#ans YES I know it's a coping mechanism so what

[caslyra]

A Harry Potter quote / extract / exchange that makes you giggle?

I would ask you which you find the funniest, but let's be honest there are too many to pick from, I think I'd panic at the question. But that's the thing. There are so many small moments that makes us laugh, so it's always fun to be reminded of some <3

Okay how am I supposed to answer this in under 500,000 characters??

There are so many... Harry in general ('Roonald Wazlip'/'Yeah I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life'/'I didn't realize it had to be so wet'/'Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!'), Ron during Divination and especially his O.W.L.s, Tonks and Mad-Eye ('wand safety' and how he sort of softens around her?), Luna's opinion on aurors, her commentary during that quidditch match (Zacharias Smith!), Wood's completely wonky priorities, the article on Sirius aka Stubby Boardman, Ernie Macmillan's revision schedule, Lockhart's quiz and the reanactment of his glory days he forces Harry into, him dropping his wand during dueling club, Dumbledore's cheek directed at Phineas Nigellus, Fred and George, GINNY...

But these are two (forgive me) of my favorite extracts (I copied them, I hope there's no mistakes):

Professor Trelawney ignored her. Eyes open again, she looked around once more and said, “But where is dear Professor Lupin? 'I'm afraid the poor fellow is ill again,' said Dumbledore, indicating that everybody should start serving themselves. 'Most unfortunate that it should happen on Christmas Day.' 'But surely you already knew that, Sybill?' said Professor McGonagall, her eyebrows raised. Professor Trelawney gave Professor McGonagall a very cold look. 'Certainly I knew, Minerva,' she said quietly. 'But one does not parade the fact that one is All-Knowing. I frequently act as though I am not possessed of the Inner Eye, so as not to make others nervous.' 'That explains a great deal,' said Professor McGonagall tartly. Professor Trelawney’s voice suddenly became a good deal less misty. 'If you must know, Minerva, I have seen that poor Professor Lupin will not be with us for very long. He seems aware, himself, that his time is short. He positively fled when I offered to crystal-gaze for him –' 'Imagine that,' said Professor McGonagall drily. [...] Harry and Ron got up first from the table and she shrieked loudly.' My dears! Which of you left his seat first? Which?' 'Dunno,' said Ron, looking uneasily at Harry. 'I doubt it will make much difference,' said Professor McGonagall coldly, 'unless a mad axe-man is waiting outside the doors to slaughter the first into the Entrance Hall.'

And - because I think Harry deserves much more appreciation,

'Why were you lurking under our window?' 'Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?' 'Listening to the news,' said Harry in a resigned voice. His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage. 'Listening to the news! Again?' 'Well, it changes every day, you see,' said Harry.

[shushiyuii]

Ok I really been wanting to see Giant dream and Tiny Tommy vore fluff. Just some fluff and noms. Ans Maybe another where it is Giant Dream and Tiny SBI Fluff and noms also. It is wired I am sorry. Saw you asking for requests.

I did the first one! (Also sorry for the lack of uploads today, been really busy.)

Warnings: Soft vore, mention of rough past, slight dehumanization?

Words: 1.4K+

The god and The Strange Boy

The temperature of the room was almost unimaginable, he had no idea how he had coped with it for so long within that prison, the now outside fresh air feeling foreign, cold. It was a strange sensation, but a welcome one.

He wondered how everybody was doing, how things had changed within his time within the prison. In his opinion it was an unfair sentence, it wasn’t his fault how things had changed within the SMP, it wasn’t him that should’ve been held responsible.

It should’ve been them.

He remembered how he’d get visited by him in the prison, he was almost scared. Asking for advice on what to do, he wanted so badly to hold him close to his chest and comfort him, but the prison’s containment prevented him from doing so.

At first, the exile. He hated him, wanted to kill him. But, in his exile he came to understand the boy and his beginnings, the boy had opened up to him, so he comforted him and even opened up himself.

Dream didn’t have a good past, he was known as a monster back in the day, he’d changed when he met Sapnap and George but reverted to his old ways somewhat when the whole L’manburg started happening.

But this boy. Tommy. He thought the boy acted on selfish decisions, was arrogant or worse but that wasn’t the actual Tommy. To some extent, yes but if you really knew him as Ranboo or Tubbo did. He was definitely someone else.

Whenever you see this side of Tommy, it’s mainly a defence mechanism. Because the boy had a rough past himself. One that neither found family knew of, Tubbo and Ranboo only knew parts of this past. But to say the boy had it rough, he really did.

He wasn’t sure why Tommy ran away from exile; he was there for the boy. He thought maybe he scared him. Or the loneliness? Whatever it was he didn’t know but in the meantime, he wanted L’manburg gone. So he teamed up with two others are known as Philza and Technoblade to destroy it.

In the remains of L’manburg, that’s where he saw the boy again. Looking betrayed but all of them. When in reality, all they wanted to do was protect him. Dream, as much as this ancient god didn’t want to admit but, he saw this kid as his own.

Afterwards, Techno and Phil returned to their home in the Antarctic, being the blood god and the angel of death. They had similar titles as Dream. But as for Dream, he was punished by other’s, held in prison to what many saw as home.

He hated the place but put up with it with the visits of Tommy, he had apologised for running and began to talk to Dream how he used to.

Tommy was in no way a god, he was mortal. Small compared to many others. He was a mortal adopted by the gods, taken in to be one of their own.

When in reality, he was left to survive as a plaything for these gods.

Dream saw him as no such thing, and as much as Techno and Phil hated to admit it they cared for the boy as well. Despite not being there as much for him as Dream. They had a reputation to maintain.

Now, with his newfound freedom, he was looking for his brother. It had been a while since his last visit, and he had no clue where the boy had gone.

He looked and looked, no one had a clue as to where Tommy’s current location was. It was just known he wasn’t at his dirt hole as much as he once was.

He questioned everyone he came across; he didn’t find anything suspicious until…

Until he ran into the God of bees and the God of portals. Ranboo and Tubbo.

When asked, they acted suspiciously different, as if they were trying to hide something from them.

And he was correct, when followed he found that these gods had founded a new place to call home, one off the knowledge of others. Much like the Antarctic. It was called Snowchester.

The three had founded a mortal son that they wished to hide. And with it, Tommy was there. He found him.

Tommy pulled on leaves about twice his size, trying to uproot what seemed to be potatoes in the cold winter snow. “Tommy?”, he asked whilst standing beside a nearby tree.

The boy jumped out of his mind for a moment before turning to Dream, “DREAMM! MY MANN! Wassup?!”. He said enthusiastically but Dream could see that he had frightened him.

He laughed and smiled, then approaching the boy. “I’m good, out of prison now. I’ve seen you’ve been doing good with yourself”. Dream then held out his hand to the floor, allowing Tommy to stand on as he sat down near the tree.

“Yeah, been working where I can and stuff, sorry bout not visiting”, “It’s fine Tommy”. “How’d you even find me anyways?”. “Followed Tubbo and stuff”.

“They’re gonna be pissed!”. Tommy laughed, “They won’t be, not when they realise, I mean no harm”. “That may be the case with Ranboo, not so much Tubbo, he’s not only the God of Bees y’know”.

Dream nodded in understanding. And then there was a moment of peace between the two, “It’s weird honestly?”, Tommy looked up at Dream. “How we both get along? Don’t you find it odd?”.

“Well Dream, I’m pretty sure it’s because of how great I am! I am Tommyinnit after all!”. Dream smirked from under his mask and put a fingertip to Tommy’s hair and ruffled it playfully.

Tommy’s expression turned from happy to silent grief as he looked away from Dream, “Hey Dream?”, “Yes, Tommy?”, “Am I ever going to be able to go home?”.

A thing about the god realm is that if humans were to cross the barrier, they’d never be able to return. They’d be at the mercy of the gods.

Dream looked down at Tommy and moved his finger to gently rub the boy’s back, making the answer clear. He’d been told it many a time, but he knew the boy couldn’t help but cling onto hope of going home. He couldn’t blame him.

The two sat in the comforting silence for a while longer, until the cold winds started to pick up, it didn’t affect himself, but it did affect Tommy. The boy was shivering now with no shelter for him nearby. He’d freeze soon enough.

Tommy looked up to Dream, seeming to know the plan already. Dream moved Tommy to his lap as he used his hands to unclip his mask, when the mask was removed it revealed a scarred face with his eyes black with glowing green pupils. A sight nobody usually saw.

He then picked up Tommy and brought the boy closer towards his face, where he breathed and covered the boy in warmth, Tommy clung to him. He opened his mouth to reveal a multitude of sharp fangs.

But that didn’t stop Tommy from stepping in himself, Dream using his tongue to make sure the boy didn’t trip or anything, once Tommy was safely in his mouth, he closed it. And moved his tongue to taste at Tommy.

He purred slightly as he felt the taste of Strawberries and a mix of other things, Tommy laughing every time he and the tongue crossed paths.

Once he deemed the boy ready for decent, he titled his head back and swallowed.

He traced the boy’s descent with his finger, and slowly felt Tommy drop into his stomach, safely tucked away. He rubbed there for a moment, feeling Tommy move and shift into a comfortable position.

He signed in relief when he felt the boy tiredly put his hands to rub at the stomach walls and fall asleep. He must’ve been tired from all the work he’d be doing.

He began the journey of finding a place for the night but was stopped when he heard the yell of his name. “DREAM!”.

He turned and saw the god of Explosives, Tubbo. Who seemed ready to explode and a slightly angry Ranboo, he seemed conflicted about something? He drew out his sword for a fight.

Later, they were all sitting by the fireplace, covered in injuries. “Why didn’t you say so earlier?”, Tubbo spoke in a sassy way as he sipped on his tea. Dream had a hand covering his stomach as he looked to Tubbo, “Well, it doesn’t matter now. You all are now under my protection.”.

[chibivesicle]

Golden Kamuy chapter 237 & 238 - new alliances form and - sperm.

I’m still behind on meta writing; you’d think with more time, I could write more but I’m 100% struggling with a routine when I have no idea what day of the week is and I can’t go into work.

Chapter 237 resolves the conflict between Sugimoto and Boutarou through their underwater breath holding contest.  Shiraishi cleverly suggests that it would be to their benefit to work with Boutarou as he may have a way to figure out where the gold could be.

They aren’t sure if the rumors that Boutarou spoke of are true.  Sugimoto, true to form keeps his commitment to the cause of collecting the skins.  He is certain that it is the only way to find the gold.  I have to admit, when Sugimoto latches onto an idea, he really doesn’t budge.

The only issue with discussing these things away from Boutarou, is that they have left him to roam free about the boat.  Of course the postman, had rifled through Sugimoto’s backpack and he found the possessions of Heita.  The fact that they have Heita’s notes and his Ainu tobacco case and his bloody skin, would imply that Heita is likely dead at their own hands. . . .

Boutarou then uses this time to talk to his men before he approaches Sugimoto and Shiraishi to confirm how much gold there likely is - again a much higher amount than what was originally stated.  This adds to the evidence that it is a very large sum of gold.  Boutarou spends a fair bit of time just chatting things up with them - I guess this allows his men to get into position or is he just a chatty convict?  I’m suspecting in part he’s just chatty.

Asirpa comes to the rescue as she notices that Sugimoto’s backpack is open.  Meanwhile, Shiraishi and Sugimoto are dreaming of the gold in a state of euphoria and Sugimoto seems both a bit nervous based on Boutarou’s chattiness.  After his excited chattiness, Boutarou breaks it to them that it is a shame they won’t be able to search for the gold together as his man pulls a revolver on them.

Shiraishi looks shocked while Sugimoto is already moving to his angry mode . . .  With impeccable timing Asirpa is able to stop the man from firing his revolver by shooting one of her arrows into the revolver, blocking the revolving motion of the chambers.  Yet again, Asirpa has fired an arrow in order to save Sugimoto.  It is a shame that we can’t see if she removed the poison tip or not as the panel prevents us from seeing it.

She’s able to inform them that they know that Sugimoto has Heita’s possessions and his skin.  Shiraishi quickly turns to grab the revolver - showing a change in his mode of fighting others instead of simply fleeing.  Next to him Sugimoto is ready to go man to man with Boutarou. 

With the fight on the deck, the Captain is able to turn the boat quickly enough that a tree on the edge of the river bank knocks off, the man with the gun, Boutarou and Sugimoto.  There are several pages of them falling off the boat, into the water and Sugimoto and Boutarou then begin to fight while the nameless gang member got crunched by the paddle wheel.

Sugimoto is a great disadvantage in the fight with Boutarou - his entire M.O. is to drown people by being able to out swim them.  Shiraishi knows this and jumps into the water with the intent to try to help Sugimoto knowing exactly what Boutarou is planning.  Shiraishi attempts to perform mouth-to-mouth transfer of air for Sugimoto and instead of accepting it, he stubbornly punches Shiraishi away.

This entire fanservice scene leaves me personally with a bad taste in my mouth.  Shiraishi had the best plan for the situation possible and Sugimoto refuses his help rather than “kiss” him. . . is fighting Boutarou one on one that important to Sugimoto?  That stubborn? 

Either way, Sugimoto is about to get his ass handed to him and he’s saved by a school of sturgeon.  He stabs his bayonet into one and it pulls him along with Boutarou holding onto him.  He’s lucky that Boutarou’s flowing long hair gets sucked into the paddlewheel and he’s able to surface while Boutarou fights trying to not get sucked into the wheel.

Sugimoto then returns to rescue Boutarou by cutting off his hair caught in the wheel mechanism.  We then get to see that Shiraishi is just being silly somewhere around the boat swimming around while the conflict ends.

Overall, this chapter was underwhelming for me.  It puts Sugimoto at a great disadvantage and only by sheer luck is he able to not die.  Asirpa first saves him and Shiraishi, Shiraishi then should have helped him - but he refused and then he’s saved by random sturgeon.  On top of that he lucks out and has a chance to save Boutarou instead even though if it weren’t for his crazy luck, Boutarou would have drowned him.

All we see is that Shiraishi and Asirpa are hopelessly devoted to Sugimoto.  I get that they are all friends but they are smarter than he is and much more clever and if he didn’t have them he’d be dead long ago in the quest for the gold.

It is clear that this chapter will end with Boutarou - owing Sugimoto for saving him, and likely force him into an alliance out of guilt.

Chapter 238 resolves the tension between Sugimoto and Boutarou as Shiraishi has to do the talking with the paddleboat captain.  They make it clear that they were just looking for Boutarou, not wanting to rob the mail and that they really didn’t mean to damage the boat.

Almost out of nowhere, Sugimoto then declares to Boutarou that he should join forces with him.  Sugimoto had decided to “keep on keeping on”.  Even with new information from Boutarou, he wants to continue to collect the skins.  Boutarou seems far to calm during their entire exchange - he first reasons Sugimoto saved him for information .  . . and Sugimoto sticks to the skin collecting idea ans Boutarou makes it clear he doesn’t want to search for convicts and that he doesn’t believe in the code being real or useful to finding the gold.

Sugimoto’s entire rationale is based on the fact that Hijikata and Tsurumi are intelligent men and they are still collecting the skins so they must be correct.  It is one hell of an assumption if I may so.  Yes, we as the readers as well as Sugimoto know that Asirpa remembered the code words but as far as we know she has never revealed it to anyone yet.  Tsurumi’s entire plan is focused on finding Asirpa since he knows she knows the code.  It it would be likely that Tsukishima told Tsurumi that he thinks she knows it based on her confrontation with Ogata on the ice floe.

Hijikata likely still knows some information that he hasn’t revealed yet from his time in prison.  He plays his cards close to his chest so I’m guessing if anyone in his group knows stuff it might be Nagakura and whatever Ogata has gleaned from him.

Shiraishi is concerned about Sugimoto’s alliance with Boutarou and wonders if Sugimoto’s emotions are clouding his judgement.  The fact that Sugimoto doesn’t look Shiraishi in the eyes the entire time makes me think that Sugimoto does feel some sort of connection with Boutarou.

His face is shaded and his eyes are black - does he want another showdown with Boutarou in the future as survivors of terrible diseases of the late 19th century?  Both men created similar coping mechanisms to their situations.

Whatever the reason, Boutarou agrees to work with Sugimoto.  Sugimoto seems to think any information gained through torture would not be reliable.  Does this imply that he wants to use this an out from torturing him?  That torture is a line that he won’t cross?  Tsurumi tortured him, but due to his crazy pain/physical violence tolerance, Sugimoto was able to babble about not helpful information.  Or it was the fact that Sugimoto was caught red-handed to to speak by Tsurumi so it really wasn’t worth it saying anything useful to him.

Boutarou seems to think very seriously before he replies to Sugimoto - and then he completely changes to a playful reply as he pats him on the back and tells him that it was his sympathy that spared him from drowning under the paddleboat.

He then very confidently replies that he understands the conditions of their deal and he will reveal all of his information when they have collected all of the skins - that is the best insurance he has.  Shiraishi almost immediately has issues with this deal as he thinks they may lose the gold to him and Asirpa accuses him of wanting the gold for himself. 

They are able to meet up with Vasily on the small boat as they decide to continue down to Sapporo as a group.  There is another chance for Asirpa’s Ainu 101 cooking class.  She’s pleasantly surprised that he remembers the hooks from whaling and they are using the same concept to catch a sturgeon.  She passive-aggressively cons Sugimoto into wanting to have some sturgeon.

Boutarou immediately inquires about Sugimoto’s relationship with Asirpa.  This is clearly a replay of when Ogata joined their group and watched Asirpa interacting with Sugimoto in the marsh with the crane.  Sugimoto hesitantly replies that she’s his guide.  Boutarou doesn’t let him get off as easily as Ogata did with the “woman he loves” comment in regards to Umeko.  Boutarou makes it abundantly clear that Sugimoto’s rage indicates she’s more than a guide.  Asirpa doesn’t make eye contact but her ear is red indicating that she’s still got her crush on Sugimoto.  A random guy connected that Sugimoto cares about her to his actions.

They are able to catch a sturgeon and they set up a fire allowing them to dry their clothing.  This scene reminds me of when Kiro saved Shiraishi from the giant fish and they made a fire to dry off/warm up and eat some fish.  Asirpa is excited that they caught a sturgeon that has eggs (caviar) and that she is thrilled to eat a brain again.  They sit down to enjoy the caviar and more small talk follows.  Sugimoto offers the eggs to Shiraishi and Vasily while Boutarou asks her about her love of brains.  She excitedly replies about how all brains taste good with salt.

Boutarou pushes it though as he asks her to confirm that she likes sharing her favorite foods with someone she likes - ‘the person you like’.  Again, she blushes with embarrassment and she shoves some fish eggs into his face.  This is similar to her past feedings of Shiraishi, Sugimoto and Ogata.  Meanwhile, Sugimoto and Shiraishi comment on how they are delicious with raw and go well with vodka.

Not surprisingly, despite all of this delicious food, there has been no “hinna hinna” from Asirpa.  Really, it looks like Ogata’s use of “hinna hinna” has ruined the phrase for her even though I still think he said it in honestly towards her.  With the fact that Ogata is a shit liar of course.  When will Asirpa return to saying it?  When she is reunited with Ogata over a meal?

What is clear is that Boutarou has figured out the relationship between Sugimoto and Asirpa pretty damn quickly.  Shiraishi has commented on how this may be a bad idea.  I’m going with a hunch that it will be a bad idea and that Boutarou may likely try to do something to separate the two of them or using Asirpa as a bargaining chip against Sugimoto.

With the mention of vodka, the action turns to a boat in the Otaru harbor.  On it, Sophia is enjoying some fish eggs with vodka and her men.  Oh Sofia!  I have missed you so much!  She’s back in the game and I’m stocked to see what will happen next.  She clearly has enough men in her group that they will pose a threat to those involved in the quest for the gold.  Furthermore, after drinking with her me she takes some time to drink by herself.  She quietly looks a small photo, she thinks back to Hasegawa’s photo studio, and the fire in the kitchen.  It reveals the photo that Hasegawa took fo them ans she clearly grabbed it before it was burnt in the fire that Tsurumi set to destroy his evidence.

It clearly shows Wilk, Kiro and herself before we get a close up on her very intense looking face.  Based on her furrowed brow and down turned lips that are taught, I’d say she’s planning for revenge in for the death of both of them.  She’s got a plan, she’s got men and she’s going to spring to action.

The chapter then shifts to Usami and Kikuta in Sapporo.  They are both appear to be well dressed men in the red light district in search of our “jack the ripper” character.  Usami is looking around a previous crime scene while Kikuta wonders if questioning other prostitutes would be are more useful avenue.

Recall, that Tsurumi paired these two up stating that Usami would have a special skill set in finding the convict.  The next several pages have Usami masturbating at the crime scene as he tries to determine what would feel right for the killer while Kikuta watches on in shock and horror.  Somehow using his magical masturbatory skills Usami is able to try to determine where the killer have gotten off to his crime.

After testing his hypothesis so to speak Usami ends up following his own ejaculate (I cannot believe I just typed that! thanks Noda!) to find the killer’s.  Kikuta is rightly appalled, but Usami is far too into his detective work!

What is clear is that Usami and the killer both seem to get off on violence - he then proceeds to poke at the killer’s semen and tries to date it.  At the same time Kikuta is horrified and is worried about him picking up a STI.

Usami declares that the killer returns to the scene of the crime to get off, so he predicts he will return that very night.  Usami has rocked Kikuta to his core - he doesn’t believe it and he can only admit that he’s one hell of a semen detective.  He also determines what Tsurumi meant by him being useful.  This 100% makes sense since Tsurumi knows that Usami always returned to the scene of the crime; in regards to the loss of his killing virginity when he beat his “best” friend in judo.  Kikuta is partly there, he only can conclude that Usami can think like the killer - what he doesn’t realize is that Usami 100% thinks the same way as the killer - as he is just the same as the killer.

It ends with Usami figuring things out one more time as Kikuta is still in shock.  The chapter ends with the serial killer jerking himself off at the same place as Usami does the same thing to get into the “zone” to speak.

And with that the chapter dramatically ends with mutual masturbation of Usami and the unknown convict.

This chapter gives us a few main points.

1.) Boutarou reads people well - he almost immediately determines that Sugimoto sees Asirpa as a special person to protect like family.  That Asirpa has a crush on Sugimoto and that Sugimoto likely isn’t quite aware of what it means.  Shiraishi mentioning aligning themselves with Boutarou may be a mistake likely indicates to me it will be a mistake.  Sugimoto never listens to Shiraishi . . . Boutarou will almost use Asirpa as a part of his plan in the future.

2.) Asirpa’s lack of “hinna hinna” continues.  Yep, she just had some sturgeon brains, fish eggs and is back in her element of eating but no mention of her “hinna hinna”.  The last time they said it was when she was with Ogata, Kiro and Shiraishi before they broke Sofia out of prison.  This is a complicated ritual for her - did Ogata cheapen it for her? Or did she realize she doesn’t deserve to say it after she almost killed Ogata?  Was Kiro’s death too much for her?  She remembered the code with Sofia and his help but she was unable to do anything for him.  She saw a possible fate being an Ainu fighting imperialism - keeping her habit of saying “hinna hinna” may be a reaction to all of the fallout. 

3.) Sofia has a plan.  No one has such a facial expression unless that character has a plan in mind.  We know that Sofia is a capable and natural leader.  She intends to end whatever it was that Wilk and Kiro started.  Asirpa said that Sofia will find her when she needs to.  With Sofia in Otaru she gets closer to the action.  I can’t wait to see what happens and I want Sofia to chat with Ogata.

4.) Gross masturbation humor sells - or something.  Usami is using his weird habit of linking violence to sexual pleasure to find the serial killer.  I really don’t get this, but I’ll just roll with it.  At least we got to see Kikuta as a well dressed man.  I approve of Kikuta in nice clothing.

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Stay safe people!

[alostlittlegirl-archive]

"The thing is... The Regina he knew would do that. And he assumed it that way because the Regina I was before all that and Henry and Bella ans you... I'd thorw myself in anybody's arms once I felt cornered or not mentally stable, which I was at that time. Why do you think I went to New York, or why do you think I was on you an hour before we met. I was eother cornered or down for some reason. And I can't blame him for not knowing I changed Emma. I was never a cheater but he never knew me once I had a stable relationship, all he knew was I seek pleasure once things weren't going right for me. And as sick as it possible sounds, he was trying to help. I'm not even sure if I make sense right now. But I am really tired of being in the middle of two of you." Her eyes got teary immediately. "You must know how that one feels." Her voice broke lightly as she talked. At least she was trying her hardest. Maybe their situations weren't the same, but Regina would prefer this one to Emma's closeness with August. Because woth Baron, it was physical at most, the things August and Emma shared though... It was the emotions Emma had refused to share with her in the first place.

-----------------------------

Emma looked down at their pure angels as she listened to whay Regina was saying. She tried to breath deeply as it was impossible for all sorts of feeling not to wash over hear without control. It wasn't easy to come back to all of that, even after over last four years they had been engaged. She bit onto the inside of her cheek and looked back into Regina's eyes. She cupped Regina's cheek and gently guided her to lean in so Emma could place a gentle kiss on her forehead. Caressing her cheekbone, she finally spoke gently, "I do not want you to stand between us. I do not want to get between the two of you." She needed Regina to know she didn't intend to make her feel like this. She swallowed hard then and kept going. "I... accept it might have been like this for him. I just... Can't. And I'm sorry. But I haven't and I won't make it hard for him to spend time with our children or with you. I mean... We are so different. And yes, we make together something so beautiful, but we still have our individual parts. So I grew to accept you might not be a fan of my friends and that I might not be a fan of yours. And... that's alright. So, I won't make a problem from Bella loving him or anyone else for that matter -- from people either of us personally trusts, that is." She really didn't want to talk about him any longer. Especially when Regina had those teary eyes and she felt Baron shouldn't really be the subject of that conversation anymore. "So many things has changed," she smiled softly then, tried to. "You have gone further than anyone I know. Some things will always stay with us, sure, but we still can turn them to our advantage. Like..." she pursed lips thinking, "...our make up sex. Cause that's hell of an amazing sex..." She stated trying to lighten the mood. Cause she knew how it felt, what Regina had been struggling with for so long. She could understand it to some small point, but she could. And she did notice their coping mechanisms, at core, stayed the same even if they displayed in complitely different shades.

.

[one-shoop]

Thanks for answering my question! It means a lot to me to have answers to all those questions about the weird crap I used to do.

So I read your reply and my first thought was, wow, that person is incredible, haha, they understood my crappy language and were able to give me a great answer at that. But seriously though, I know it was pretty badly written so if there were any things you didn't understand you can message me!

Also -- I feel pretty bad about that coping mechanism so I wanted to like, add, I guess?, that I'm not sure what passive-agressive means? Like -- I used to feel bad that people didn't understand I felt bad and all. And I still am really baffled away at the idea that people might, like, genuinely not realize how you feel? So I see how much of a gap there is in my analysis of stuff and all.

But I wanted to know -- is there like, a way to manage that feeling? Not the crappy mechanism itself, but like, the guilt of realizing it? I don't know if this is something I should ask about. It kind of feels manipulative to ask? Like, I know people who will do something absolutely horrible and turn to you for "comfort" aka getting you to go all "well it wasn't that bad". And I've luckily been on the recieving end of that so I haven't (hopefully?) went ahead and minimized what I do.

But like I think I'm on the opposite part of the spectrum. When I do something bad, it's like nothing will ever justify it. Sometimes, I do some crappy stuff, too -- like, being human and a kid does that to you sometimes and people tell me not tp worry, but I worry ans beat myself up even years later.

And I realized that some of this makes sense in context of how messy communication is for me. Like for example, I had a friend who I used to snuggle with. It was kind of our thing for a whike. And sometimes they'd look uncomfortable, so I'd ask them, is this okay? And I used to feel bad about this next part -- like, sometimes, they looked uncomfortable, right? But -- they'd answer it was fine, and sometimes even initiate the snuggling. And i used to get confused so my reaction was like, well, I'll somehow?? I dunno?? make things clear, and just like -- drag you and snuggle over here? Like -- I didn't know how to react. And i still don't know what I should have done. What do you do when someone asks you to pet their hair, then goes to sit away from you, then opens their arms when you don't snuggle, then tells you they've never actually wanted to do that, then texts you saying they miss your hugs? And like --

I used to tell myself I was pushy. I guess I was? I've always been pushy, but when people tell me no, I stop, tou know? But that time wasn't a no, it was more of a back-and-forth. And I tell myself, I probably shouldn't have done anything if it wasn't clear. But sometimes I would get clear "yes", but later the person would say they actually didn't want to.

So all in all, it was confusing and I still don't know what to make of it. I told mutual friends, and they told me that like -- it wasn't clear to them either. And I still don't know if I got any clear signs of anything. I worry I was too pushy, I worried I somehow forced them to snuggle with me. I worried it was sexual harrassment. But then people tell me "you couldn't have known" and I'm like "yeah!! I could have! They always sat away from me!" They'll answer "even I thought they were messing around, they always acted like they don't want to be there when we hang out". I'll go, "what if it was because of me they didn't want to hang out?" And when I say stuff like "yeah well sometimes they moved away, or looked away, and I should have known it was a no!", but they'll tell me "hey, I thought you two were dating, I had no idea they weren't into it" so I'm just???? Confused????

And like, I try to know if this is a matter of back-and-forth or not. One time, I tried flirting with this girl I liked. (Thinking back, I thought I was pretty cringe, but my friend thinks it was cute??? So i dunno??? Like I trust my friend's judgement, they're really good at stuff like that but like??? I dunno???) and I didn't really know where the limit was. The friend wouldn't seem too much into it, but at first she said it was fine, so i assumed it was a general "you can do that now". I should have asked for a more precise answer, but anyways. The second a mutual friend came to me and told me she was uncomfortable, I stopped. I worry sometimes I'm like, entitled or something, but like -- I don't know. Does it count? I was kind of weird, like -- I'd hug her, and kiss her goodbye/good morning, but at the same time, I apologized and never did that again. So like??? I don't know???

Like was that me being a weirdo and inconsistent as crap, or was it circumstance? Was I just like "forced" to agree because my friend told me to stop and I couldn't get away with it???? Was I entitled to my other friend's hugs, or something???

So I don't know. And I worry if this kind of mess is what I would get people into when I'd assume they'd see past a "I'm fine". Movies don't help, with that romantic trope of "I sEe you'rE noT fiNe". But yeah -- I have no idea. I mean, i never forced someone to worry about my problems or ask about them. I'm like, even if they ask me a second time, I won't say much.

About that -- after I realized I waited for people to ask me twice, I told myself, yeah no, don't do that. So I stopped. And instead I did the complete opposite -- so is there a way to combat that?

I know I did it out of guilt, but also, i'm afraid of confronting guilt. Not because guilt is scary, because I honestly deal with it a lot so I kind of know how to work it out, but -- what attitude should I have? I'm afraid I'll do the opposite -- like. Am I going to become entitled? And if I say something like "hey it's fine" am I going to basically say "people are rude and I'm perf"? Like I know there's a big, big difference between those two mindsets. But I feel like I can't be trusted with my attitudes. I feel like if I'm not completely submissive, I'm going to become entitled, or narcissistic, or rude. And like, blame people for "thinking I did something wrong to them" or whatever.

And on that topic -- guilt in general. I worry that if I confront people who do really bad stuff to me -- like, uh, my mother used to say I was making her miserable and helpless when I refused her advice for my depression -- I'll turn into someone who doesn't want to love people. I'll become uncaring, and I'll stop thinking of others. I'll be selfish, and I'll do things on my own and I won't care if people have beef with me. It's probably a good thing, if I look at it from the perspective of someone who has 90% bad attitudes about who takes the blame for what, so I guess it's like, healthy? But -- I don't know. And I worry that if I'm too knowledgeable about this stuff, I'm basically faking.

So uh what do you make of that?

Being “sad enough” doesn’t help

People who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) often feel that if we’re just sad ENOUGH, the most important people in our lives (our parents, s.o.’s, friends) will notice and comfort us and then everything will be fine. (I honestly feel this is part of the reason that hurt/comfort is so popular as a fanfiction genre. It’s wish-fulfillment.)

There are two big problems with that subconscious strategy: 1. People in your life who are emotionally abusive/neglectful/narcissistic will neither notice nor care that you’re in pain. You may not even realize that some of the people in your life are neglectful (for instance, abusive partners. Also, those who grew up with CEN often believe they had an ideal childhood and that their parents are great). 2. When people comfort you, it can be hard to actually take comfort from their behavior.

That second point sounds weird, but it’s more common than you’d think. People who grew up with CEN were taught to never be the center of attention (unless we were helping our parents show off). Everything was about our PARENTS’ feelings, not ours. If attention was drawn to OUR feelings, something was WRONG, and our parents would punish us for it (even if that punishment only took the form of angry expressions or tones of voice). 

So when someone cares about our feelings, we feel uncomfortable. Think about it: how many times have you see a person be really sad, maybe even actively moping, but the instant someone asks them what’s wrong, they answer, “Nothing,” or “I’m fine.” This is often stereotyped as passive-aggressive, or something women do (women are made to feel guiltier than men about being the center of attention). But really, it’s something people do who have grown up being made to feel guilty when anyone paid any attention to their feelings. We simultaneously long to be comforted, and feel DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE whenever anyone tries to comfort us. It tends to stop us from taking any real comfort from their behavior, even when we overcome our initial inhibitions and tell them about our feelings.

So we end up in this terrible bind. “I’m sad. I really need human connection. If I’m sad enough, people will comfort me. Oh, my friend noticed I’m sad! Friend asked if I was okay. I automatically answered, ‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ Friend is now confused, and I’m even more upset.”

It can be REALLY HARD to rid ourselves of this habit. It takes therapy, probably medication, and a long time of working at realizing how we were hurt in childhood and what the effects of that have been on our thoughts and behaviors. We have to try to consciously learn to take comfort from others, or to trust others enough to go to them directly for such comfort. I’m definitely still working on all this myself.