#another post on 'people dont understand chaos in these games and I am Upset about it'

[no-light-left-on]

So the Death of the Outsider lacks a chaos system and it makes perfect sense

(I recommend reading my other post on how chaos works in the DH universe first but it is not mandatory.)

The point of the chaos system is, at its core, a reflection of how a world already at its tipping point reacts to the player's actions: Dunwall ridden by the plague and oppressed by the Lord Regent’s rule, Karnaca bloodfly-bitten and slowly torn to shreds by the Duke with people scared after the recent coup.

Billie, however, simply exists as a person once the world has been tipped towards the better, Emily having reclaimed her throne and Karnaca slowly but surely steering towards better times. Her quest is not motivated by politics or by a falling empire. It is entirely personal to her, Daud, and the Outsider.

Billie is an ex-assassin. She puts the world on a tipping point, but she does not decide whether the world rights itself or comes crashing over the edge. She takes jobs from the black market, sometimes killing people for money, because that is all it is to her - a job. And while she may kill innocent people while at it, there is no more terror it can bring atop the cruel rule of the Duke and people dying in the mines. In the end, she will disappear into the shadows. It is just another mugging, another unfortunate murder of a father coming home in the evening. Nothing more, nothing less. No responsibility to take over it after.

She is dedicated to her quest, and that quest is not even hers - it is Daud's, and she is just going along with it out of maybe guilt, maybe old times' sake. She is not even that interested in killing the Outsider herself, has very little stakes in it, and decides to go through with it because it's what Daud wanted. There is no world that can react to her because she is the world that is reacting, in a sense, to Daud's wishes and the Outsider's subtle interventions.

Compared to, say, DH2 which takes place months before the events of DotO, Billie has very little to lose, no place to reclaim, no world to save. The results of her actions, no matter what they might be, won't change how the world is at the end of the game. Emily can choose whether a brilliant doctor lives so she can save lives, she decides whether the Howlers or the Overseers take over Batista, dictates who rules and with how much power, with what level of cruelty. Billie is killing a god, no matter what it takes, and there is little need for consideration of how this result is achieved.

The game does not even have targets, save for one, the Outsider himself. All the missions are about gathering intel and preparing for the job. The structure of the whole game is very different to serve the purpose of the plot and honestly it's a clever choice so that the focus remains on the one thing only - killing the Outsider.

One thing I did not mention in relation to chaos in my other post is that the chaos also influences the Outsider and his speeches at the shrines. Which, fair enough, it is just one more change in dialogue among many. But in the case of DotO, he is directly involved. He is not an observer anymore. He has real reason to be emotionally invested in what is happening and what Billie is doing. He needs to bait her into murder, or change her mind to spare him and free him from his eternal imprisonment. There can't be a change from interest to cynicism as Billie kills more people to get to him, because in the end, he is the target. He wants out of the Void by any means necessary, which means he has to be fully invested at all times. He has no reason to suddenly go soft and make subtle comments. He comes across as so much more malicious in this game, maiming Billie and being so incredibly cruel when he tells her that Daud has passed while she was away. All this because he can't risk her changing her mind, thinking to herself, “Hey, maybe he sucks but he’s not That Bad” and then turning on her heel to leave. He is trying to influence Billie instead, which he didn’t do with his Marked (unless you count his mentions of multiple possible outcomes as influencing, or him telling Daud about Delilah).

So no, the world won't change for you, the player. It won't change because you chose not to kill anyone, not even the contract targets, because if you don't do the dirty work, someone else will. And the Outsider cannot change either, because Billie is not changing the fate of an empire. She is changing the fate of Him, personally, and he cannot afford to let her choose the only bad choice - indifference. So there is no point in a chaos at all.

No matter what Billie does in the end, the outcome will be the same - the Void will change. sShe will change the universe as they know it, but no matter how she goes about it, the change will come. She is not faced with a question of what she wants the world to be. She was guided there by others, expected to do one thing - kill a god. The world has set her up, and now she has to react.

And so she comes to the Void and is met with the only choice that will matter: Is she going to show mercy, or remain the same?

[harmicist]

the torbcourse, version 2.0

around 2 weeks ago, i made a very long post about the amount of hate/types of hate being directed @ the character Torbjorn from overwatch.  I actually never expected it to gain much traction, given i only had about 100 followers at the time it was posted.  

thats the backstory.  it now has over 7,000 notes on it. if you never actually saw it going around on tumblr, here’s the permalink to it if you’re interested in what i said on it.  the tl;dr of it though, is that most of the hate has some root in ableism.  

Torbjorn has dwarfism.  i got too many people asking for the source on that, and so i’ll just say it up front. someone who medically has dwarfism is beneath the full grown height of 4′10.  Torbjorn is only 4′7.  regardless of any and all references and poking at world of warcraft “dwarves”, as dwarves dont exist in the real world this classifies him as the very first little person who is a playable character in a videogame, to my knowledge.

I should clarify before I begin with v. 2.0, as i should have then, that im not referring to how he’s annoying in game to play against.  the amount of responses i got that “i only dislike him because i dont like playing against him” is overwhelming.  I’m referring to comments about how he’s unshippable, the complete and utter lack of him in fanart and fanwork, to calling him ugly or claiming that he’s undeserving of any of the things has has, from his family to his wife to his friends.  those things are entirely unrelated to gameplay, and entirely related to how people producing and consuming overwatch fandom content perceive him.

I am gonna put the rest under a “read more” bc mom, holy fuck, this is a long, long read, but i tried to be as concise and answer the various rebuttals i’ve gotten over time that weren’t total nonsense.  Additionally, if you could spread this that would be nice, because, damn.  If i leave one good thing on this fandom without a doubt I do want it to be a reevaluation of how we treat certain characters.  

i think that deflection is actually a good bouncing point to start off with.  So many people say that “I only hate him because of gameplay” and i just want to say that is very much patently wrong. The most hated character to play against in overwatch, to my knowledge, is Mei.  Symmetra is quickly coming in as a close second because of how overpowered she’s become after the massive buff blizzard gave her.  And yet, you see tons of fandom content with both mei and symmetra.  Yes, originally, torbjorn was a very hard character to counter because of hero stacking, but after both nerfs hit and there was the elimination of hero stacking, he’s become far more manageable to play against and has been entirely eliminated from the meta.  The same is true of bastion- who also is included in overwatch fanworks frequently.

I cant say for lower ranking players at all how that works, but as i am a diamond player the meta is pretty close to what i actually play.  Frustrating? sure, but no more so than bastion, who is also difficult to play against in the short turn but if you counter correctly isn't much of a hassle.  Its actually to the point both bastion and torb need a bit of a nerf to bring back onto the player map.

However, there is an unprecedented amount of hate directed at him considering all of these factors, essentially I’m saying he’s actually less frustrating than other characters who receive more content than him and another character hated for the same reason also doesn't get the same treatment as torbjorn.  the reason im saying that is, is unconscious ableism.  I’m not saying you’re consciously thinking “he’s ugly, im going to add more hate onto an issue because of that,” im saying that there is a complex process where your anger and frustration towards his playstyle is aggravated by an unconscious bias against disabled people.  

Think of it in a different context- you are in a checkout line at the grocery store.  The cashier is going slow, because they are moving slow because, say, they have downs syndrome or are perhaps are an amputee.   the issue is yes, they’re being slow and you, in a humans inherently selfish manner, care about your time as well.  there’s that disconnect in your mind because you dont want to call someone the r-slur or point out that they are having trouble bagging because they dont have full use of motion.  (though some might not share your unwillingness, lord knows i’ve heard grocery store employees get harassed before).  But you are still irritated with them in a way they are undeserving of receiving.  Even if you keep it quiet while interacting, sometimes as I’ll hear my mother say after she leaves, “I understand they’re trying to be inclusive, but does it have to get in my way like that?”  Rather than being irritated at being slow, it transforms into irritation that they are disabled and therefore getting in your way.  

the tl;dr of that is that yes, even though you’re not necessarily angered/made upset by the disability it can become an aggravating factor in response to another irritant.

Moving on- the “creepy” trope as applied to torbjorn.  I would personally like to thank @necromin for this comment, even though I cannot tag you in this?  

It is true!  There is a massive trope and history surrounding the idea of dwarfs/little people as being depraved or perverse, or imp-like.  Our willingness to apply how some people use torbjorn to the character itself is not a thing that just happens in a void.  How fandom interprets the intent of his voice lines also does not occur in a void.  

Another commonly said thing in the tags was that oh, i only hate him because he hates omnics!!! and as many, many other people pointed out, that in itself is a fallacy, because plenty of characters in overwatch dislike omnics.  From Zarya (who outright threatens both Zenyatta and Bastion), to Junkrat (Also makes threatening lines towards the Shambali monastery), to Reaper (tin cans, a dime a dozen), there is a long history of hating omnics for a variety of reasons. Interestingly, he’s not even so much a “violent racist” as some would have him made out to be.  His line to bastion (I hate working with those talking tin cans!) actually does make some sense, because he did have to fight against them in the war, and can you blame him for not wanting to go into the Shambali monastery or Numbani after seeing what large numbers of omnics grouped together can do?  Far more violent omnic “racist” lines are Junkrats- (If these bots want to go into the light, I'd be more than happy to help), and (So we're delivering a bomb to scrap some bots and I'm getting paid for it. My kind of job!)

However, much like how characters who are also “annoying” to play again dont receive the same amount of flack, there is a hypocrisy in that a lot of the people who claim not to like torbjorn because of this, love and produce content of other characters like reaper, or zarya, or junkrat.  and so the question that lies therein, is “why does torbjorn get hated for this reason more than those other characters?”  the answer is back at the end of the second paragraph.  

And a lot of people call it “omnic racism”, but as a poc blogger who can state it far more elegantly than i can, racism is a very inadequate, if not inappropriate word to describe the relations between omnic and human in the overwatch world because of why omnics are hated.  they started a worldwide war that threatened the very existence of humanity, caused total chaos for an undetermined amount of time.  Racism is an inappropriate word because this implies that racism as we know it has a cause that is justifiable,  since “omnic racism” is rooted in a very much justifiable history. and thats just not true.  The same can be said of x-men being used as an allegory for racism, because there is a fear that is understandable, when in irl racism it is very much not.

but that is just a sidenote, and not really the focus of this.  

a lot of people also asked if this was a joke.  or treated it like a joke.  I am very much serious about this, and a lot of people agree with me that it got very much out of hand, and some people who were guilty of falling into the ableist route of mocking torbjorn for being ugly/unshippable apologized for it or admitted this opened their eyes some to their own internal biases.  Others still insist that hating him is just a meme.  Then, Lets move onto what i am talking about that i count as hate, but is a bit less obvious to see unless you’re looking for it- which is, the erasure of torbjorn’s character in fanworks.  first i’ll start with the math of it, and then i’ll go into other things of note.

If it is just a meme- than riddle me this-why can you quantitatively conclude that he has significantly less content of him than practically any other character in the game? 

The overwatch archive of our own has over 10,000 fanworks on it now.  The two most common pairings on it are mchanzo and reaper76, each steadily on their way to 2,000 works apiece. The 3 most-tagged characters are all original members of overwatch- McCree, Reaper, and Mercy.  8 of the 10 most tagged characters if you include Amelie and Fareeha, had some major relation to the original overwatch or were members.  9 if you include hanzo, being genji’s brother.  Each of them have over 1,000 fics apiece where they are tagged, and really more like 1,500-2,000+ fics apiece where they are tagged.  (Jesse with almost a whopping 4,000 fics where he’s tagged)

Torbjorn only has 437 fics where he’s been tagged.  Of those fics, he’s not in any of the top 10 most tagged relationships.  Compared to any of the other 5 founding members of overwatch that we know of, that is very strangely low.  Reinhardt is tagged in roughly 1,100 fics, Ana, 1,200 fics, 76, over 2,000, and reaper with over 3,400 fics tagged.  

As a side note, the only character with less fics than him is Bastion, who only has about 240 fics where they are a tagged character.  But this isnt necessarily not understandable- they have no spoken lines whatsoever that arent some sort of robotic onomatopoeia, or omnicmatopea, as i might call it.  Even sombra has more fics than him by a slim margin, but it strange considering she’s the new character, and he was one of the very first ones to be released.

The other interesting thing of note is the dramatic drop off in fics after Winston, who also has a relatively small number of fanfics compared to his role as one of the main characters of the series.  of the 7 characters who have less than 1000 fics to their name, 4 of them are women, 3 are woc, and 2 have confirmed disabilities that are unconventional in video games on top of being amputees.  

but please, tell me again that people aren’t interested in torbjorn because he’s a white man.  say it to my face while we both can see the enormous amount of content for Junkrat, Reinhardt, and 76.  

Its harder to quantify this, but when you read as much overwatch fanfiction as I do, you start to pick up on a few trends that are subtle but important to denote nonetheless.  First off, is that when in fics where the “original” members of overwatch are a friend group, Torbjorn is oddly left out.  Second, in the fics that take place prior to overwatch’s fall and there is some sort of science/ engineering/ mechanical fix involved, the role usually is given to Winston- even if it doesnt make sense timeline wise to have Winston even be there, in Overwatch.  

as another side note, an easy benchmark is this- in your overwatch fanwork, if Fareeha Amari is under the age of 18, then Tracer, winston, and genji aren’t yet members of overwatch.  Tracer and winston are both younger than Fareeha by a handful of years (tracer by 6 years, winston by 3) and Genji joined after he turned 25 (if Fareeha is 18, then genji is only 21)

Ok, but if Winston isnt a member, then who would be the one to do the fixes and technological stuff in Overwatch?  that should be easy, given that Torbjorn is both an original member of overwatch and a world class, genius engineer who is stated in canon to be the designer behind a great deal of Overwatch’s technology.  So why do i see time and time again that he’s just not present in these fanworks?  (See the end of paragraph 2).

The same is true in fanart.  He is mostly not included in comics where it would make complete and utter sense for him to be there.  If its a comic about the golden 7- dont exclude Torbjorn from it. (the golden 7 being, gabriel, jack, ana, reinhardt, mercy, mccree, and torbjorn).  As another person pointed out, he’s likely considered practically family to people like Mercy or Reinhardt or Pharah and Ana.  If I see a comic with 6/7 of them in it, and I dont see torbjorn, i do wind up very, very suspicious.  Not of the artist purposefully saying “I dont want to draw torbjorn because he’s ugly / disabled”, but of unconsciously devaluing his character and place in the series because of those aforementioned biases and so erasing him from the fanwork altogether.  

The same thing with him being “shipped” in fanwork.  I referenced this anecdote in the original post, and the numbers confirm that essentially no one is producing content with him in a relationship in fanwork.  It is not always so overt as people saying he’s disabled and therefore unattractive, but rather people finding him unattractive because he’s short, because he’s disabled.  

and lastly, returning to the point of him being a WOW dwarf and him being an uninteresting character for the special kind of ignorant-

“they just dont care about him so they dont bother reading about him, believe me, most people who make fun of torbjorn think hes a fantasy kind of dwarf rather than a character with dwarfism lol

im not saying that fandoms have not disliked a character purely because of their disability before but seriously, its kind of blizzard’s fault for making a character with dwarfism look literally a stereotypical fantasy kind of dwarf without a very interesting backstory or personality.”

Im not tagging this person, im not interested in “callouts”, but this person had both the accusation that people who dont like him because they dont care about him, and so they dont bother reading about him and then say explicitly they just dont care about torbjorn because they believe he’s without a interesting backstory or personality.

From literally everything about his character, how on earth can you conclude he’s not an interesting character with a good personality/backstory?  He was one of the 6 founding members of overwatch, of the 6 he was the only one with any sort of background in causing the crisis, even though he voiced disapproval of intelligent AI to businessmen who were looking to make profits over the safety of others.  In his profile, it says that his worst fears were confirmed when the omnic crisis began.  How come there arent a ton of fics about him seeing his worst fears come to light when that clearly would be a very interesting topic of fanwork- and a very common theme in Overwatch canon and fanon.  (Ie, mercy fanfics and addressing her resurrecting Gabriel, Hanzo’s regret about listening to orders and murdering genji.)  Thematically, the idea of your past coming back to haunt you places torbjorn in with the other characters very well. Similarly, in recall fics, torbjorn seeks out even now, post-fall of overwatch to right the wrongs he made in his youth with the creation of the omnics that are huge.  Storywise, torbjorn is actually both incredibly important and intriguing.  Thematically, his character also fits right in with the various themes established in the lore amongst the older characters.  

Overall, though, this person is correct, because yeah.  People dont read about him because people dont care about him.  But the question is why don’t people care about him enough to know that he’s actually a character who fits right in with everyone else?

And the answer to that question, is on some level, undoubtedly, ableism, due to his disability making him “unattractive” and therefore “unshippable” and therefore unworthy of most attention in fanworks, or his disability making him “unattractive” and “unworthy of friendships” and therefore not included in platonic works with the characters.  

Anyways.  I’m still tired.  Hopefully I communicated calmly what I meant + more people will be receptive to understanding what I’m trying to get across- that regardless of intent or the original reason of why they hated torbjorn, his physical disability is worsening insults and magnifying dislike of him, and causing him to be erased altogether in both fanart and fanfic.

[survivorcutthroat]

Episode 2: “The queen stays queen for another day.” - Sherry

So I ended up cutting Nehe because I felt like I gained more from him going than from him staying. I know I'm almost 100% to blame for his elimination and although my dark side is loving it, I still feel bad....I view myself as a snarky hero not some heartless villain...I wish we had just won immunity ugh. But I cut him and that's the name of this season - cut or be cut. I just have to get used to the feeling - maybe I can take some tips from Matt???

Now that the first vote is over, I can get a sense of who all trusts me. I think Zack is thankful I didn't flip but he still doesn't trust me which was to be expected. Dustin seems to trust me but I think he might not be telling me the whole truth just yet - I'm starting to be skeptical that Seamus is lying about his vote....Amir seems to trust me too but I feel like he could be threatened by me? I dont think he'll come after me anytime soon but his tone kinda changed towards me when we talked game - he didn't realize how much of a role I would play I presume....for now, I hope a swap happens and I can go more UTR. I was a bit chaotic with this last round and I want to dive back down underwater for a while to disappear from any potential bulls eyes on my back! 

THIS WENT PERFECTLY. I set up Ali and Sherry going against eachother even though I was the only one going against both of them. I eliminated an idol, kept my trust with everyone but Sherry, and got rid of my target of Ali. I wish Ali were here but this is a great scenario as well.

15 minutes later

Tribe swap and I'm so happy. We are nu YANGBYE which is the best tribe name around. I love these people but I'd also love to say "yangbye!" to them one by one. 

Crow - Oh my god I get to work with chaos crow <3 

Jaiden - I don't understand Jaiden but I want to work closely with him 

Dom - YES it's my pal from whatever our starting tribe was 

Zack - I quite like Zach but I don't trust him. 

Liana - She doesn't talk to me very much. 

I'd like to keep Jaiden Crow and Dom around. The other two are threats and they're not on my side. 

Wooooo okay so post tribal council and I survived!!! Nehe was great and a nice person but Seamus was in his ear and Nehe was going around saying that Zack and I are a final 2 and in the end I couldn't have him here anymore and my target ended up leaving so hehehohohahha

Okay now I gotta focus purely on social bonds because our tribe dynamic is weird as fuck. us 4 voted together to outvote nehe and Seamus...but now its just us 4 lmao which means if we go to tribal then kumbaya time is gonna be over and someone gotta go. My plan? Turn crow and zack against each other. Crow was the most hesitant to keep zack and zack has thrown crows name out there in the past 

But other than that I fucking love Zack and I really didn't think I was going to during this game but if people are saying we're close friends when were not, we might as well align. Crow is still my husband, he's a lil sketchy but still my husband. Dustin is the only sane person here newfkj and I'm glad he's here and best case scenario is we don't lose the challenge and I get to keep my gays a little longer in the game. 

Current people I still want gone in order: SEAMUS, LIANA, stevie, ali, tommy 

This first tribal was interesting!! Winning the challenge I chose a tribe to go to and I got to vote with them but I was immune, such an interesting twist. It seemed like the tribe wanted to go for Sherry, which I did not really want. I end up talking to Sherry and she told me about the idol and that she was using it so to keep up appearances I voted for Sherry to vote in the majority, knowing what she was gonna do. Hopefully she isn't mad about that. Now Im on this new tribe and I have my old tribe as the majority so im feeling pretty good about this current position and hopefully nothing happens to ruin that just yet. 

I MADE FINAL 18! We just swapped tribes to 3 tribes of 6 and now I left my Yangbye tribe and joined the New Sagu tribe with Cole, Stevie, and Abel who were on my original Yangbye tribe and Dustin from Magyi and Sid from Sagu. We made an original Yangbye alliance chat however, I don't know how loyal the people in that chat will be especially a guy named cole.  For whatever reason I'm getting a strong vibe that cole doesn't like me or want me in the game long term so I'd be so down to get him out... I think he will be a threat however I also don't wanna just betray this new alliance but I don't wanna play dumb. I like Dustin and Sid to an extent, I'm not sure how much I can really trust either... For right now the two people I'm most trustful of on my tribe are Stevie and Abel, as for the rest of them I have no idea where their heads are at in terms on strategy of the game. I hope we just keep winning immunity, I really really don't want to go to tribal, I feel even less secure on this tribe than I did on my last one. 

Ok, so the first two tribals that have happened pretty much didn't effect my game at all! I barely talked to either Nehe or Ali so I'm glad they are gone. They were nice but I didn't see anything in them. I feel like my lip sync will be good enough to get my tribe to winning this Immunity, I just hope we find someone who can edit because I have no idea how to edit at all. If we do end up going to tribal I should be fine as I made a alliance with the original Yangbye tribe! Also omg at sherry snatching everyone's wig with that first tribal idol.... My mouth is still open. 

Anyways why was cole willing to let sid edit the video and willingly give him the power to be the first one with the finished product so sid can submit and get the idol clue when sid is on the bottom? He’s only fussing about it right now in the tribe chat bc i just pointed it out to him in pms. Like ik cole’s not stupid so i strongly doubt he would make such a dumbass mistake. Shady ass bitch. 

[7/7/17, 8:40:47 PM] Abel: 

[7/7/17, 7:27:03 PM] Abel: sis are we really gonna let sid get the idol clue [7/7/17, 7:28:08 PM] Cole™: I'm gonna try and get it 

[7/7/17, 7:28:21 PM] Abel: whoever submits it gets it 

[7/7/17, 7:28:38 PM] Abel: and if he’s editing it’ll probably be him 

[7/7/17, 7:31:23 PM] Cole™: But like I did the most work 

[7/7/17, 7:31:52 PM] Abel: one of us needs to submit it then 

[7/7/17, 7:32:17 PM] Abel: like i would share the clue with you obviously but yeah its just easier for you to submit it 

[7/7/17, 7:32:30 PM] Abel: and sid has the power if he’s making the final product 

[7/7/17, 7:33:43 PM] Cole™: True, I would share it too 

 I have an okay relationship with dustin. Tommy i still trust. Stevie eh mostly. I would love to just coast on tribal lines/challenge dominance for a bit. Sid is the only person i have no relationship with and I’m not really interested in trying to make one like i’d rather just vote him out lmao. Like i said hi and how are you to him already and it was just so exhausting idk i don’t have the energy to fake another friendship rn. We’ll see where my paranoia with cole takes me.

I am upset that I'm separated from Crow Zack and Dustin and I'm also really upset that I haven't been on a tribe with Cole Sid Or Bodhi but on the bright side, I have sherry and I have rob. I have enough people I won't die at least. 

ZACK IS MY SON AND I WILL PROTECT HIM.

hi it's me again hehetehe. 

lemme just talk about last round bc im still a lil FUCKED up. bc some people got me FUCKED up. 

Seamus is an ugly dirty little rat and if he really thought he would pull a fast one on ME.. he was SURELY mistaken. he can go back to fucking his cousin and eating his hay. he literally looks like he eats hay. like.. you're not gonna just try to get me out and think i'm not gonna say something.. and now he wants to come and apologize and act all innocent like bitch, please, save that shit. 

anyways... i like my new tribe? like i'm not completely fucked here. i miss dustin and amir tho :( literally dustin and amir are my hunts like they really put there ass out there to help me and i appreciate that so much. i got their backs in this game. i hope me abel dustin and amir can all make merge and run this shit to the end.

ps- fuck seamus.

Really? REALLY? I'm used to being on elite tribes not amateur ones.....so after the tribe swap I wind up on the worst of the 3 tribes with people who seem to either be shy or just incredibly nonchalant. Liana just spoke like, today - Zack is still Zack and Dommy is sorta like that team member who's all talk and no game at this point...and Jaiden is just an ugly troll. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been seeing Matt on my tribe so I guess thanks for not doing that to me.... 

Like I understand we all have busy lives and this isn't an easy comp but I've been sitting in Iceland halfway across the globe with internet lag and cut-out quite often but I was willing to put time into this comp for my piece of it (I was legit going to do my lip sync in a RV bathroom - how iconic is that?) 

But INSTEAD someone mysteriously submitted a dumb pre-made video to the blog (which is no "accident") which basically means we lose even though we never started. 

And Jaiden, I know it was you. I can't tell if it's out of complete stupidity or mischief, but either way, you're in hot water sir. 

Ugh, can we swap again? Pls? I can't do this constant losing thing it's bad for my ego.

Alrighty so there was no doubt I was going to get kicked off of my tribe before the swap. Luke, Jaiden, Sid, and Seamus? Jaiden randomly hates me (and my husband), and Seamus probably wants revenge for Zootopia, Luke is impossible to talk to. The only person I liked game-wise was Sid because he's really easy to get along with and I feel like I can actually trust him and he won't cut me, so to speak. 

In order to try to rectify this, I figured I could gain trust with Seamus by starting an idol searching brigade, so I told him where I searched. He could easily lie about this and probably did but it's whatever, I'm trying (reasoning on this later). I tried to clear the air with Jaiden and we talked things out and I tried to find common ground with him (idk if it worked or not). 

 Seamus talked to me about me and him and Sid working together. Ever since the tribe swap I haven't heard from them so I guess that's dead. 

I trust Stevie the most overall. I've been telling him my thoughts (lol contact him for confessionals). Stevie was actually my first ally in my first game so I like him a lot (he taught me how to be cutthroat). He told me about his and Seamus' idol clues, and how Seamus would probably lie about it (hence the earlier reasoning). He said that the clue said the number is the same on a clock (i.e. 1-12) but Seamus would probably say the opposite. Seamus has actually said nothing so anyway I continue to not trust Seamus. 

The other tribe was ugly for trying to vote out my fellow woman.

wow so um... cole and sid are targets more info tomorrow

I think I'm good with my whole tribe. I trust mearl completely. I love rob and sherry the most. I don't think they'll vote me out. I don't fucking care about this challenge but I have to act like I do. I actually was willing to stay up all night and do the work and commit my night for it but I can't put in effort if no one else will. Yesterday when I tried to bring it up no one cared. I'm really drunk. Also um Seamus and I worked out our differences but like I'd still vote him out. Luke and I promised to work together but I'd still vote him out. I'll vote anyone out I don't give a fuck. Also Crow has been ignoring me for like all day. So it's clear he's only social when you're on a tribe with him, same with Dustin. I think I've decided I'm most loyal to Cole and rob in this game and maybe Sid and zack.

One minute later:

I AM GOING TO DESTROY EVERYONE 

I WANT THEM ALL DEAD 

I WILL END THEM

Jaiden accidentally threw the challenge for our tribe. THANK GOD. Now I don't have to do it. Sherry and Jaiden both fucked up for the tribe and the target is off of me. At tribal I'm going to be targeting Liana or Zack. Probably Liana. I have Jaiden and Dom with me 100% for now, and crow is probably gonna be smart and vote with the majority. Liana doesn't talk to me so she doesn't need to be here. Simple as that. Zack doesn't talk to me much either, but Amir likes him, and I think crow does too. Zack can go next time.

I don't even know what's happening with this challenge. I think I lost it by accident for everyone but they're all causing unnecessary chaos around camp so I need to just sit down and shut up. Tomorrow one of us will be voted out I'm assuming, so I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it's Liana or Crow and not me. As it stands in the game right now, I've been able to go on private calls with Seamus, Bodhi, Dom, and Tommy. I'd say those four are my closest friends and allies at this point (but I don't want to speak too soon since the game has only just begun). I still need to work on getting into good graces with the rest of the players I wanna work with this season, so we'll see how successful I am with that. Also, I think I've formed an alliance with Bodhi and Dom. Like I said from the get-go, I won't take this alliance too seriously because I know that they can kiss my ass in calls and PMs but still say only bad things about me in confessionals. I'll trust them only as far as I can throw them and see how things go if we do end up going to tribal. I think this swap worked out pretty well in my favor and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

So before I came back to orgs this year the last ones I played were 2014/early 2015 and in those games I managed to go really far by doing the least and I feel like that’s what Cole remembers me as and I feel like he views me as a potential drag-along ally, one that he can always go back to as he makes shady deals with everyone else. What he doesn’t realize though is that I’m that bitch with the pristine memory and know he wins/goes far in so many of his games and knows that he’s been active all these years and knows everyone. Whether or not he actually is working with Sid, I just know he has a lot of connections in a lot of different places and in a one world season it would just be stupid to let someone like that reach a point where he can connect with others and fuck things up for everyone. ALSO SIS HAS THE NERVE TO BE A FLAMING FAGGOT IN EVERY CHAT AND CALL BUT WHEN HE GETS TO MY PMS HE SUDDENLY TURNS INTO BRITNEY’S MIC FEED! I spoke to Tommy last night and he’s on the same page and I don’t think it should be hard to get others on board…if we choose to do so bc I still don’t have any use for Sid at all whatsoever lmao.

Dearest Liana, Please speak to me. I'd like to not have an easy tribal! I adore going to tribal council, but you are making this too easy for me. With love, Bodhi.

I don't believe I've ever touched on WHY I throw so many challenges. The answer is simple. Tribal council is a wonderful group bonding excersize. If you can go into the merge with a group of 2-4 people, you'll have some people with as much trust as you can manage. There's another big facet to this, being that tribes that don't go to tribal council have a lot of time to stir up feelings of wanting other people out. People on cutthroat are going to be so willing to flip on their tribes it's not even funny. These people almost all feel like they have something to prove, and if you can just give them time to get bored, they'll be making big moves at the merge like no ones business. Tribal loyalty will not exist in that much of a sense on this season. One of the biggest advantages of having a tribe swap from 4 tribes this early is that there isn't the whole "day one alliance" that can sometimes unify a tribe. Everyone is on a tribe with someone that they want out of the game, and once those people get their ways, there will be new people who want revenge. Ideally, there will be one more swap, and neither of these first two sets of tribes will matter to anyone except for me and whoever I'm loyal too. I'm making ties with folks on the other side so that when we swap again I won't need to scramble or anything. I'll just need to sit back and watch people take each other out.

Well after that challenge fiasco, I still have little hope of winning immunity.....however at least we are submitting something semi-legitimate? I just really really don't wanna go to tribal again so soon....especially with so many quiet/shady characters. We have a solid idea in my opinion but it'll be a swing or miss sort of idea. As far as my tribe.....Zack says he's on my side and loyal to me til the end but A) He hardly talks to me on his own B) This is fucking Cutthroat Island Bodhi and I are supposed to be close but he's smart and tricky so I don't really trust him... Jaiden is a known troll but somehow one of the people I like?? (why do i find myself closer to trolls than norms..*ahem* Kyle) Liana is a fucking ghost. This girl just appears in the main chat once a millennium, hardly replies to pms, and doesn't even seem to care?? If we were to lose, my money would be on her leaving. Bodhi already suggested it to me actually.... Dommy is the chillest of them all and maybe will be someone I can use? But I don't know if he's closer to myself or Bodhi, which will be crucial down the line... Or maybe this tribe's flops are part of some mastermind machination to blindside me pre-merge. I don't even know at this point. My strategy pre-merge (considering GL pre-merge was....non-existent for me...) is to build as many bonds as strong as I can and go with the flow. Big moves that make your target bigger are p.o.i.n.t.l.e.s.s until at least jury! No one in finale talks about "yea that second vote where I flipped" cuz its so far in the past! The #1 goal should be survival - not control. Plus, the more targets that make merge, the better for me. Let the elite make it to merge and let the bloodbath begin while I fly through the underworld completely invisible to the finale <3 :D

And we're back! After Sherry pulling off a beautiful idol play round 1, I have a new vigor for this game! Amir survived his tribal as well! Things are looking good, everyone. But wait! I spoke too soon. Satan himself announced a FUCKING TRIBE SWAP. Okay, calm down, Sid. Now you have a chance to be with Sherry or Amir, right? Wrong. Austin's fucking Sorting Hat rip-off kept me on Sagu while Sherry and Amir are living it up on Magyi and Liana is stuck on Yangbye. What's worse, Nu Sagu is a 4 Yangbye, 1 Magyi, 1 Sagu split. WHAT STARS HAD TO ALIGN TO MAKE SURE I GET SWAP FUCKED IN EVERY GAME? I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN IDOL. (Speaking of, Sherry told me the clue Stevie got. Apparently the Idol is under 12 and Sherry found her's at 11. But, now I don't know why Stevie is giving out clues unless he found one. Hm.) But whatever. I'm screwed on Nu Sagu because Stevie is an egomaniac who I'm pretty sure wants me out, and I don't know who these other 4 are. Tommy said he'd work with me, but how much do I trust him? Or like even like him? Minimal. My only hope rests in this challenge, so I stepped up to edit our lipsync (And I think it can win us this challenge!). Also, the submitter of the winning tribe gets an idol clue! DOPE! Since I'm editing, I should be able to submit. Apparently not. Cole asks in the tribe chat if he could submit because he wants the clue. THE FUCK? NO I THINK THE FUCK NOT. I've been editing for hours, and all you had to do was twerk on camera for 3 minutes. And I doubt Cole is really a stranger to that, whereas I had to learn Movie Maker for this fuck-up of a tribe. So I said "yah sure" because I'm in a clear minority, but I have a plan. Even though I finished the video hours before the deadline, I'll pretend like I'm rushing to finish it. And in my rush, I submitted it on accident! I'm sure he'll see through my plans, but I'll have 2 idol clues, AND I think we'll have immunity with my video. Right now, I think working with Tommy or Abel is my best shot to survive if we go to tribal... ALSO P.S. Sherry, Amir and I have finalized our alliance. It's called "THREEVIL" (Three + Evil) and it is so fucking awesome! I love these two with all my heart. <3 <3 <3

This is some bullshit. I'm not about to do this challenge solo and still lose. Why did crow make a big fucking deal about it? We could've gotten a DECENT score on this shit and at least I submitted something???? Even fucking dom who is online all the fucking time isn't here to do shit 

if Me getting that ottn5 edit this episode huh. I'll really go off at tribal council when the time comes because we're clearly losing.

Everyone the past few days: 

https://68.media.tumblr.com/0590f2ef9171d9c120daa59db8f36233/tumblr_inline_oj6u3b7XBj1snhjdw_500.gif Me: Hey we should probably do this challenge! 

Everyone: https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-09/22/14/enhanced/webdr10/anigif_enhanced-11075-1411411562-9.gif Me: Guess I'm doing this on my own... 

This is what I've come up with so far! Everyone @ me because apparently it sucks: https://media.tenor.com/images/72c91bf233275e5da4c66dae418829e2/tenor.gif 

Me, internally: http://68.media.tumblr.com/baebe363529713f2fdee2b9047d27d47/tumblr_osadyruIyd1rt5ctno1_250.gif ... Me tomorrow night after we lose this challenge and they unanimously vote me out: http://wwwimage.cbsstatic.com/thumbnails/photos/files/asset/10/00/35/45/bronte-big-brother-eviction.gif

Day 7 Confessional 4: Ugh okay so lots of tea to spill. So i voted in the minority on the special tribal and Nehe left which like doesn’t matter much. But then we immediately tribe swap and my new tribe is amir luke mearl rob sherry and myself. Amir immediately approaches me and tells me he is angry that i was telling Nehe that he and Zack were a final 2 which never happened. I finally convinced him that it wasn’t true and now we are golden and Zack and I half made up too. But basically from the moment i got onto this tribe i started desiring another tribe swap because our tribe literally sucks. Like besides Mearl Rob and myself they literally fucking suck. Sherry is so busy irl, Luke is MIA and im not surprised, and Amir has family issues going on. I kinda hope we lose this challenge so we can send either Luke or Sherry home, then we will have a better chance going forward as a tribe…. Also the winning tribe gets a idol clue and I think I am going to approach them with an offer that I will share mine (I’ll lie about what is says) if they share theirs! But yah as of now I am kinda hoping we lose so we can cut some loser out of this damn game. 

So there was a tribe swap. Yippeee. No, not really. My whole original tribe ends up sticking together but of course I get separated. Thats alright, just means I'm going to make more connections I can use later down the line. Change is a positive thing right? Wrong. My tribe sucks ass. And I don't like sucking ass. If you do then think of whatever unpleasantry you wish instead.   First impressions- Luke- Ugh. I voted him out five times in a row in GL. I have a feeling he isn't exactly going to trust me. I tried to strengthen a bond but it seems so artificial on his part. Amir- Seems like somebody that can be a strong ally. I'm glad Amir is here. Seamus- First impression tells me to watch out or Seamus but he is wooing me in... but I'm aware that his wooing is why I wanted to watch out for him in the first place. Rob- Don't really know. Blah? Hopefully a potential ally. Sherry- I had a good conversation with her the night before the swap (when it appeared she was going home) so was happy to see her on my tribe. I figured that she'd be somebody that I could utilize... well lady is crazy and forgetful because she forgot the conversation we had and was asking me about myself and telling me things about her that she had told me less than 24 hours earlier... like scroll up. You can play the mother card and thats fine but when you are a no show in challenges (seems to be a trend) I have no problem voting my mom out. So the first challenge comes along... the dreaded lip sync. I hate this challenge. Hate it. HATE IT. Its just so blah. I hate singing. I hate dancing. And of course I'm busy but nobody else is able to edit a video (or wants to). Whatever.. then it gets worse. People aren't even fucking sending me videos. Like they missed deadllines and just flat out ignore me when I ask if they are giving me anything or not. I tell them that I need to know so that I can start editing the video if I'm not going to receive anything but nothing. Like I have just as much content 6 hours before the challenge is due as I did 48 hours before but I wasn't working on it because I figured I'd get more. So now I need to piece meal together shit and find shit and try and make it look nice. I mean I'm a creative guy I guess so lets see what I can do. For this challenge all I received was a piece of poop so I put it between two slices of bread and I’m hoping the judges like shit sandwiches. I really hope my efforts pay off because I don't wanna be going to tribal yet. Im not sure where I stand but I'm hoping this challenge has put me in a good spot.

First things first, fuck my old tribe! they literally like...don't even attempt to reply to me since the swap and its becoming really apparent whos genuine and who will play nice just for the game so as far as I care, they can all leave I don't give a fuck. However, I hope zack and crow don't go over someone like liana at the upcoming tribal. people like liana stevie tommy crow etc are able to lie so convincingly and make it seem like theyre on your side like....they can literally lie like sociopaths and no one in this game is allowed to have that quality except for me so they can fking go! I feel like I have a lot of those relationships right now, like circumstantial allies. I feel that way about Mearl, zack, crow, dustin, sid, sherry and even luke The people I fully trust right now are rob and cole and MAYBE Bodhi. everyone else is dead to me. Also why am I the only Canadian in this cast full of American freaks me trying to fit in with the americans: https://vine.co/v/e1EFMxhDZOB/card?api=1 Psa: do you guys think im the type of boy who wont send nudes to stay safe in a game, because youre 100% wrong. I am an adult, if another adult wants to see me arse for an idol clue or some shit, ill take it! Also talking about idol clues "hickory dickory dock, the number you are looking for is on the clock" The idol is right under your nose I think its jungle 9. because table is under the nose and 9 is under 12 lets try that next time lmao abel is.....LIKE...not smart. sweet guy but he asked me to have a secret final 2 within like five seconds of speaking for the first time and then told me im a good social player who'll make it far. not the best way to make me want you on the island buddy I love flirting with guys in games because its like playing pretend when the truth is the only thing that turns me on is voting them all out http://68.media.tumblr.com/bf80ec6181ee7722e81fba5665a78426/tumblr_o319g3ZJhR1uwwhj6o2_250.gif

Well, I'm safe another week so that's good right? Still annoyed that my tribe didn't win immunity, like we did so well and we honestly lip synced and I actually slayed everyone in the lip sync.... Oh well. I want to win something, I want to prove to the community that I'm a strong player physically and not just socially. I'm just grateful to be here right now, I don't think a lot of people see me as a threat but I could be wrong. I just want to make jury right now and prove it to myself I really am a bad bitch!

Last round, I was an iconic mess. I was able to flip the vote against Sherry, however she played her idol and voted for Ali. BUT! because I was in the pool and I removed my vote in case anything changed, I self-voted even though I gave a vote a minute late about it was close so grr. It tied between me and Ali and everyone minus Sherry voted against Ali. Wooh! I'm ready for my CPN/M4 edit. I am devastated that Ali is gone I really do trust him. I connected with him and he had NOBODY. We swapped like I predicted and it's 3 tribes of 6. I am on the Magwhy tribe with myself, Sherry, Seamus, Mearl, Amir, and Luke. I think I am in a decent position on this tribe. Seamus I feel has a certain degree of trust in me, he thinks he can control which I'm fine go ahead do it. Mearl I've been working on getting him to like me and I think he might, I did a lot for the challenge I went all out and I've been praising him which he did a great job. Amir LOVES me and the feeling is mutual. Amir is just so much fun and I want to be like him. I want to be like Amir when I'm older. Luke... I'm on good terms with but I want him out tbh because I am petty and he's a threat. Him being depressed, is to my advantage and that sucks for him I guess? Sherry, I don't know where I stand with her, we said during the vote last time we should work together, and she knew Ali was going, but she's blowing smoke up my ass. I'll try to work with her, but I doubt I'm going to talk to her. If we do have conversations I see it being strictly game which I despise. The video is a lip sync and we originally did something that Sherry did because we were sort of reluctant to throw ideas and I liked it. I felt it was a song I could do and people at first were like yeah. The thing is, skype is a fickle fickle bitch. It updated and I asked if we were doing All Summer Long and i got no reply. I filmed my video which was lit tbh because I had my sister help me out and she's a theater kid (tm) psycho.  I had it done and ready but then out of nowhere my messages update and I see at the same time when I sent the previous message they responded and they decided to change it to calling all the monsters. Like??? WHO THE FUCK CARES IF SHERRY HAS ALREADY DONE IT DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT? HELL NO AND THEN YOU USE THE SAME EXACT FOOTAGE FROM HER VIDEO WHAT A BUNCH OF DUMBASSES STFU. Anyways we win because Mearl pulled God's work and I'm shook because Saggy's was so good too. Abel as Valentina ctfu. I saw yangbye's too and it was hilarious i loved it Heather did amazing. I heard it was mean but I don't really think so? I mean Jaiden got it from her youtube videos so it's public domain and people could gif it anyways from there. The hosts got pretty pissy though like they weren't bad at all imo I enjoyed all three of them like sure maybe Yangbye could have been more active in their video but it was still a funny product. I'm active and I'm not a threat so I don't think I'm in a bad spot. Goat me! 

I don't feel great about this vote....but what I've heard from Zack and Bodhi is that it's an easy vote for Liana - but I no like easy votes cuz usually they aren't!