#anon I hope you see this and also that my full on psychoanalysis at the slightest provocation isn't... too over the top haha

[vaguely-concerned]

So I got an anon ask a long time ago that, from sketchy memory, said something like: Who do you think had the better/worse home life growing up, Graves or TF? And I’m super sorry because it’s gotten lost somewhere on this blue hellsite and I can’t find it again anywhere I’ve looked, but I thought I’d try to write out a post as a response anyway! I’m sorry it’s so late, it took me a while to know how to answer aaand then I had to rifle through my drafts fifteen times to see if I could find it. Again, oops and sorry lol. (In general, if you’ve sent me an ask and I haven’t answered… please know that’s on my little ping pong ball of a brain bouncing erratically around in here, and absolutely not on you.) Also I’m going to mention some stuff around physical and emotional child abuse and trauma in this – nothing graphic or in depth, but just in case anyone needs the heads-up!

Okay, so my personal headcanon/what I’ve built for my fics* is that they’re both only children of single mothers. Graves has no idea who his dad is and Mama Graves possibly has only the haziest approximate idea too haha (none of the candidates would be promising long-term prospects in any case), but in Bilgewater logic he basically grew up with the idea that in having one living parent with any kind of investment in his survival (and occasionally even happiness, an embarrassment of riches here) he might as well have hit the jackpot. TF’s dad died when TF was very little and he doesn’t remember him, and that loss is partially why his mother wasn’t able to do a very good job at the parenting thing. (She probably would have done better with a dependable partner and less depression weighing her down, but there’s some underlying emotional immaturity there too that was the real problem.) Between the two of them he probably did have the safer environment around him growing up, though; child rearing among his people was a good deal more communal and tight-knit than in the gutters of Rat Town, he was raised along with a bunch of cousins/other kids. (He was seen by most of the adults as kind of a weird annoyingly precocious kid – there is a certain kind of adult who’ll get very uncomfortable around an uncannily observant and inquisitive child – and there were Family Politics at play there as well that meant he had a subtle sense of being on the outside already there.)

Graves’ mom was physically and verbally abusive (and drank too much periodically, mostly when he got a bit older) but also had some genuine care for his wellbeing and safety, especially physically, while TF grew up with a largely emotionally unavailable and neglectful mom who collapsed into helplessness and rejection whenever he needed things from her, and then was completely abandoned by her and everyone else in the family in the end. He did experience some much better and more loving connection with his (paternal) grandfather, but his grandfather also struggled with an ever worsening serious health condition that was slowly growing terminal as TF turned eleven or so – by the time he got exiled at thirteen his grandpa was barely awake for hours at a time some days and couldn’t really do anything to help him :(

And now let me try to show my work a bit around what parts of their lore I’ve extrapolated/built this from and elaborate on the long-term effects on their ways of dealing with relationships!

So to Graves being the recipient of indifference feels much worse than anger or conflict in relationships, because his primary attachment relationship taught him that interest, even in the form of anger, was a sign that he mattered to his mother; her anger (often born of fear and boy does Bilgewater offer a lot of things to fear) and insistence on being involved in his life (so he wouldn’t y’know end up being eaten by a warf rat or something while being a dumbass kid lol) were proof that she loved him and that he had some sort of importance in the dangerous violent world he was born into.

He takes TF running away from him as a sign of indifference and rejection/abandonment, which is why it just keeps escalating the rage and hurt in him during the whole chase scene in Burning Tides; to him it reads as more and more proof that TF doesn’t care about him and never really did, that he’s blowing off all the pain Graves has been through the last ten years and that he’s desperate to convey to someone (because I think that’s also part of why he feels he needs TF to listen to him before he actually does anything violent to him; he needs someone to hear and witness how much it hurts, even if that’s not the vocabulary he knows how to use. And he needs TF to listen both because he thinks he’s the one to blame but also because he’s the person he thinks would understand or that it would matter to – aside from his mother he’s the only other person he has actually had such a close relationship with. Some parts of him still know TF as ‘love, safety, home’ even while other parts are on the war path with lethal intent, and the raging parts carrying the abandonment pain go ‘well, then I’ll fucking make him feel this as much as I do one way or the other’ (sinister intent). Even that is still a bid for connection on some level.)

I really think part of Graves’ way of feeling and showing love is grounded in mutuality that way. Even in that twisted form, what he wants from TF is mutual connection. (Which is why TF disappearing into his Cool Magic Gambler Persona TM bothers him so much, because it leaves him ‘alone’ and without that back and forth flow of call and response of connection between them (look at their moment in the crate in the animated short for an example of what I mean – the way their bodies and gazes do an effortless sort of a back and forth sway of expression: TF leans in with a conspiratorial air and stays there as Graves takes in his meaning, Graves leans in eagerly as he gets it and TF smugly settles back against him, and you can see how much they BOTH enjoy it. TF could just have used the card immediately, but his first thought is to share their imminent triumph with Graves and make a moment of it, have a connection. I don’t know how clearly I’ve managed to express it with that, I just go on Vibes and that’s why I write fiction lol. See also the immediate easy back and forth they fall into at the end of Burning Tides, where so much can be left unspoken because they know each other that well, and how it makes Graves GRIN when only like fifteen minutes earlier he notes it’s been a long, long time since he laughed. Which then gets the paranoia briefly kicking in for a moment because that’s Dangerous Territory to his trauma brain, but I really do think that their safe established connection is part of how Graves has honestly been getting back on his feet with surprising speed and ease considering Everything.)

There’s an ability to fully commit to an idea of us without having the I become lost there that I think must have started very early. As lacking and harmful as she was in other ways Mama Graves did provide that sense of unflinching ‘me and you against the world you little shit’ psychological security.

(Graves is also very quick to hear criticism where it isn’t even intended because oh boy Mama Graves always had something to complain about, TF has had to do a lot of baffled ‘…Malcolm, that is NOT what I said where the fuck did that come from’ unpacking with him over the years whenever that kicks in for him)

Meanwhile TF had to learn to fashion affection from indifference growing up: he basically learned from his mom that the best thing he could do for her was to need nothing from her, to make her life as easy as possible however he could and intuiting the things that would accomplish that without troubling her, and if he did it right she would give him some superficial attention and affection, and that’s what love is. Writing it out this is… very very sad. She would also sometimes have unpredictable anger episodes where she’d snap at him instead (often rooted in repressed shame because something in her recognized this is not how it’s supposed to go) – they were rarer but did some real damage whenever they happened. This is where his ability to read people probably started getting honed to its razor sharpness.

As you see there’s a brutal lack of mutuality in this dynamic, and a reversal of how the parent/child dynamic should actually work, the kid desperately having to do their damnedest to regulate the parent to get any needs met at all and not really managing it, because that is the DEFINITION of getting set up to lose, it just can’t work. (And I do think that mutuality Graves freely offers in close relationships is a huuuuuge part of why TF is so attracted to him both initially and enduringly, it fulfills basic needs he didn’t have met as a kid. His mom set him up to give and give and get very little back, but Graves has that basic sense of fairness that he doesn’t want TF to give him something without him getting something of equal value back in return, it just seems against some sort of code haha. There’s no honor among thieves but there is between partners, sort of thing.)

It’s also why he defaults to Flight in very tense situations – when the angry dudes came for him in the incident that lead to his exile he had no one safe to go to for help, and he was one small slip of a kid against a bunch of drunk angry adults; there really wasn’t a lot else his brain knew how to do than get away, and then he’s abandoned for it on top of it all afterwards. Trauma sandwich with shame for mustard holy shit.

I am basing this heavily on the underlying theme in Burning Tides that TF thinks that by running away he’s helping Graves by making sure he won’t put them in a position that’ll invariably seriously hurt (or worse) one or both of them while he’s so angry that he’s not in his right mind, and he’s SO frustrated that Graves doesn’t see that – “Will you ever learn? Every time I try to help you – ”. No, actually, the feeling I get is more that he thinks Graves does understand it – that it’s such a self-evident part of how relationships work that he MUST know it – he’s just ignoring and devaluing it, which is what seems like rejection through TF’s eyes. He’s essentially trying to regulate Graves’ emotions for him in an (innocently instinctive, I think) manipulative way, and he’s hurt and confused as if by rejection that Graves doesn’t accept that or won’t play along with it. “I’m trying to shield you from the consequences of your actions here because I care about you; why won’t you let me???” hahaha. In the process he also can’t take Graves’ emotions seriously or meet them until he’s been chased into a corner and is forced to, because as far as he’s concerned his job is to give them an out from all that and he can’t bear doing ‘his part’ while forced to take in just how broken Graves is inside and what it means; that he’s lost him all over again. There’s no simple ‘okay okay hang on I can fix this by myself one moment please’ here, sunshine.

Interestingly Graves DOES seem to recognize this uh love language of TF’s as it were, when he’s less severely triggered:

Damn me, he’s right. I do things my way. Always have. Whenever I pushed it too far, he had my back. He was always the one with the out.

But I didn’t listen to him that day, and I haven’t since.

And now, I’ve killed us both.

And this is the exact realization that makes him believe TF is telling the truth about what happened back then, and makes him try to save him. It’s not quite forgiveness just like that, all at once, but it is a clearing of Graves’ poor trauma-battered brain’s confusion, like he can finally see both of them clearly again and that there is deep love on both sides here even after everything.

Not only does he recognize it, he even gets it deeply enough that what he returns is in the same language:

Now, at the end, I believe T.F. I know he tried everything to get me out, like he did all those times when we ran together. This time, for once, I’ve got the out. I can at least give him that.

(Which is also proof that Graves is not unheedingly ‘my way or the highway’ or incompetent in relationships, incapable of taking on another person’s point of view and seriously considering it, or cruel or particularly aggressive in close relationships when not completely torn up by trauma. And again that mutual shared sense of fairness I think is at the base of how their dynamic works. He recognizes what TF has done for him and tried to do for him and what it means, and he wants to return that in kind, not least because it’s the fair thing to do. Again, it’s about the mutuality of it all! Graves may need some time to muddle through and figure it out sometimes but y’know he gets there he gets there eventually lmao, in some ways I suspect he can actually be more mature and levelheaded about interpersonal stuff than TF, who, poor man, is just one big aching quivering abandonment issue most days)

Like when it’s finally clicking into place what’s actually going on, that the care he’d thought was there hadn’t been a lie all along after all – suddenly the world makes sense again. Which seems to be enough for him to meet death if not peacefully then at least not as broken inside as he was before that moment and realization. (TBF TF could probably have been a lot more communicative about his intentions instead of expecting Graves to understand it just from his subtle maneuverings and like Vibes haha, but well that was the unspoken deal with his mother, that it had to be seamless so neither of them had to face what was going on)

It feels like a lot of their current issues in communication comes from Graves exasperatedly being like ‘Tobias I don’t want to be managed, I want you to just talk with me like a normal human being’ and ‘chasing after’ him when he pulls away because he feels abandoned, and TF having forgotten how to like… Person during that decade when he was alone, instead just doing that ‘what does this person want from me (and how can I use that to manipulate them)’ dance he’s gotten FRIGHTENINGLY good at with other people and that doesn’t really work with someone that knows you so well and actually wants your company. It’s going to take some sinking in that Graves doesn’t want him for what he can do for him but because, y’know. He’s him and they’re Partners.

I think TF can handle the current (understandable lol) turbulence in their relationship, but his biggest fear is to be really, truly seen by someone and deemed unworthy and abandoned, having let them that close. So in a weird fucked up way he was more okay with Graves trying to hunt him down and kill him than he would have been if he had looked at him as all that he was and went ‘actually y’know what? Fuck this and fuck you you’re not worth it, I’m just leaving without you’. Truly a “TF, he wants to kill you” “*wobbly teary voice* at least someone wants me for something” “TF NO” situation.

TL;DR: their parents were both terrible and dysfunctional in their own ways, but Mama Graves would n e v e r have left her kid alone on that riverbank; she’d sooner have cursed the rest of them black and blue and flipped them off with both hands before marching off with him. Accuse her of many things and rightly so, but she was no coward and she was loyal as fuck to the few things that mattered to her, she would have tried to fight the devil himself with a frying pan for that dumb fucking kid (if she was sober enough that day ouch). In the other direction TF’s mom would never have hit him. TF had more of an experience of a safe community, but then he also had a much more brutal and complete abandonment at the end of that. There are probably very good reasons Graves left Bilgewater for the mainland when he was barely even more than a boy. …man there are so many ways to mess up a child’s brain huh thank god they found each other and mostly managed to make that work honestly

*With the caveat that there’s some wiggle room for change here as I work on my TF POV WIP and refine the ideas I’ve got in there – change more in the small details than in the big picture concepts, though, I think I’ve got that moooostly settled now? also I really want to stress that this is just my ideas and opinions, if you imagine something completely different for their backgrounds that is Valid haha

[heraldofzaun]

re: your post on associating Viktor's GE with being transgender, i just want to say that was a really well-worded post in my opinion and i found myself agreeing with you, even as someone who likes to think of Viktor as trans. you didn't change my mind per say; more accurately you put into words something that i'd been quietly considering when i thought more about the relationship people have with identifying Viktor as trans. i think the idea of bending biology to your own will is one that (1/?)

//Hey anon! I gotta say I was a little surprised to see 3 messages in my inbox, but these are about the neatest 3 I think I could get. (Especially after I stared at that post for like 5 days wondering about whether or not to post it oops.) I’m putting my response under the cut for the sake of keeping the dashboard less clogged up.

One of the really interesting things about Viktor that I’ve seen throughout my time in this fandom (since like 2014... oof) is how strongly people relate to him and identify with him. I mean, I’m not going to count myself out of that - I draw upon some of my own experiences to fill out aspects of his character, and aspects of his canonical story have resonated with me for years (although I relate to them less nowadays, and in a much healthier context) - but it’s really interesting how he has this sort of sticking power that most other champions don’t seem to. I think that it’s great to have a character that people can relate to, but it also does worry me that so much of this relatability comes out of his tortured relationship with himself and humanity as a whole. Far be it from me to use that as a point of psychoanalysis on Viktor fans or something stupid like that, but it is a point that worries me when I see people holding up Viktor as a character that they relate to/project onto/idolize in some aspects. I just hope everyone’s doing okay, I guess.

I think that Viktor’s themes of rebirth/self-reinvention and moving past weaknesses/the judgment of others is maybe more relevant than bending biology to one’s will, but that’s also because I’m a more than a little “eh” about the idea that to be trans is to inherently always want/crave/etc. physical transition. But I can certainly agree that your viewpoint could cover that of a lot of people, especially folks who have a different approach to their gender than me. (I’m one person, after all.) I’d also caution a little bit against using the word “transgenderism” (I’m sorry, I really don’t mean to sound like I’m scolding you) just because it’s often used in pathologizing contexts... But anyways, that’s really the only bones I had to pick here, and they’re very small anyways. They really don’t take away from your points at all, I’m just being One Of Those People.

And yeah, on the subject of liberties from canon, I think that my own take on the GE is pretty um... Not what Riot was probably originally intending, because what Riot was originally intending sure does have some eugenicist undertones about like, removing disability and “streamlining” the human form, with the implication (or at least what many people take as the implication) that it’ll happen against people’s wills. That’s partially why I write my Viktor as having traits that are non-typical (neurodiversity through autism, his genetic condition that’s Waardenburg’s-adjacent and results in the white streak in his hair/ symbrachydactyly on his left hand) that he doesn’t want to remove. (That’s why Full Machine still has four fingers on his left hand, in my opinion! It’s obviously not what was intended from an authorial standpoint - the real answer is that it’s just how modeling worked out - but I like that headcanon of mine.) It’s part of who he is, and he doesn’t see it as a negative - and that experience allows him to have empathy and understanding for individuals who wouldn’t want to have something about them “fixed”. Of course, Viktor isn’t a disability rights king or anything, but I think I’d expire on the spot if I wrote him direct-from-canon with his voice lines that are... very easy to interpret as eugenicist. (”Inferior constructs” is one of the ones that especially gets to me, as does “submit to my designs”. I choose to believe that these are... a persona, in an attempt to make him seem more threatening while on the Fields of Justice. He was made when Summoners were still canon, after all. But again, from an authorial standpoint, it’s just that he’s a crazy Russian villain who wants to Destroy Humanity.)

I mean. He still wants everyone to go full robot and be immortal, even if they choose to keep their emotions for some reason (yikes, Viktor), because the GE for him is about defeating death and stopping suffering because he’s got a real fucked up strain of idealism... but it’s not as bad as it could be. It still sucks pretty bad that his core belief is that people will come around to the GE eventually, if not this current generation than the next, so it ends up being less of a “I need everyone to become a robot now” thing and more of a “No it’s totally cool if you don’t want to be a robot, I’ll mourn the fact that you didn’t have to die, but maybe your successors will be more amenable to the idea” thing... which is, um, very not good, Viktor. But when you hit the point where you’re an immortal robot, you’ve really got nothing but time for the world to come around to your Completely Logical And Good Point Of View. I personally think that take is more interesting than just the “rah rah get in the robot remove your emotions whether you want to or not” take that canon gives, while still maintaining the fact that his worldview is pretty skewed and leads to pretty bad places.

Anyways, that tangent got away from me. Viktor cool being trans cool trans Viktor very cool the entire GE being the trans agenda very dubious x2. I tried to make it really clear in my post that I’ve got absolutely nothing against folks putting aspects of themselves onto Viktor, or just thinking that it’s neat if he’s trans, and I’m glad that came through to you.

[venii-vidii-vicii]

Hey I hope this isn't sudden but I found you through the DE Reddit (seen you around insta too) and thought I would drop my qustions tp you here. 1) what kind of guys do you think Glen likes? 2) if the Hardies seem cool with Glen being gay, why is he still in the closet? 3) what the fuck is wrong with Glen? 4) what's your favorite thing about him? I'm genuinely curious cause I've never seen a background character get this much attention before. Sorry for the multi-questions.

I'm sorry anon but I'm about to drop a long post on you 😔 I just have so many feelings for that man, it's unbelievable.

1) Titus Hardie

That's it.

Jk jk. Idk I kind of see Glen with dudes who are also burly and buff but I also see him with v soft boys. I mean the way the game describes Titus and Glen is that they're basically big buff giants who tower over everyone else, right?

From a psychological aspect I would have to say he probably leans more towards the petite guys because that makes him feel like "The Man" which is the big psychological issue he seems to have in the game. He wants to be a macho guy; He wants to be the dominant one, the strong one, the big guy so that his manliness doesn't get questioned. I can only hypothesize that in his head, being with smaller more feminine men gives him the satisfaction of being the top dog.

Generally though.... Just give him ALLLLLL THE DUDES!!!

2) I don't think anyone actually knows Glen is gay except Titus (and most likely Ruby) as Alain makes a comment about how Ruby likes bo0o0bies more than him. Plus Titus tries to hint it rather than just full on out Glen. He glanced at Glen when he says "some are queerer than others" but no one seems to comment, it either went over their heads (like it did with a lot of players) or they just chose not to say anything out of respect for their bro's privacy in front of stranger cops.

Personally I think some of the Hardie boys are smart enough to already know like Eugene. Alain might know but made the comment as a joke like "she likes tits more than u cuz you're gay lmao" u know?

But seeing the stance Revachol has with LGBTs, I think it's safe to assume that Glen just has too much to lose if he came out. He would most likely be kicked out of the rugby team, and He probably believes that he will lose the Hardies respect.

Again this leads back to his "big man" problem. Media and people in general seem to associate being gay with being feminine or that every gay guy likes to wear make up and dress like a woman. These ideas will stick to Glen and he doesn't wanna be associated with them. He doesn't want to be seen as less of a man.

He doesn't want to be a joke to people.

There's just so much at stake here for him to come out.

After all, the homosexual "UNDERGROUND" is an underground for a reason. They're not welcomed in the surface world.

He has a couple of good things in his life and he could lose everything over night just cuz he decided to tell the world who he really was.

Imagine going from hanging out with your friends every night, being a sport star, getting free beer... to just being alone in your room every day, losing people's respect, your job, losing everything. Not to mention the way others will treat you.

If you were depressed while you still had everything, imagine what it would be like to be depressed and have nothing.

It's tough.

3) a lot.

I can only answer this with my own psychoanalysis of Glen's character with little canon proof so take it with a grain of salt.

I think Glen grew up in a very shitty household with probably an abusive parent(s). The macho manly problem he has probably stemmed from his parent(s) drilling this idea into his head that he has to be a man. His parent(s) might have been close minded homophobes which resulted in Glen just fighting that part of him because he "knows" it's wrong and he shouldn't be feeling romantic things for other men.

Having abusive parent(s) would also explain why Glen is so violent, aggressive, and sadistic. This violence is all he knows and not to mention, being strong is associated with being masculine and manly.

Power makes you a man.

His physical strength is probably an overcompensation for his repressed homosexuality.

He suffers heavily from toxic masculinity and it has really fucked him up.

Of course having to live this way brought a ton more problems. Depression, self loathing, all the shit he tries to numb with beer.

Tbh I think Glen is a bit too hard on himself but it's not easy so I relate to how he feels.

4) my favorite thing about him is how stupid he is. He doesn't understand sarcasm, thinks a fiddle is something gay, and all the repressed homosexual shit he says. My god, he's so fucking stupid it's funny. I love him!

I also admire his strength. Choosing to keep going even after all the fucking shit he has going, it takes a lot of strength. The thought that he even joins the Hardie boys and not goes off to be a psychopathic serial killer is very nice. He might seem fucked up but at least he chose to use his fists for good.

There's still, in his fucked up shattered mind, a desire to be good. To do good. To help save a city that would never accept him. I admire that so much.

He's not a good person, but he's not a bad person. He's literally just human. He's trying to get by in a really shitty place and he wants to help others get by too.

He even shows sympathy sometimes. It's the little stuff that makes me think that he's not completely fucked just yet. There's still enough pieces of him to put his shattered self back together.

(Well had his end been different of course)

TLDR; he likes all dudes, has too much to lose, mommy and daddy issues, and he's dumb but has a good heart.

[yeoldontknow]

hello! firstly i love, love, LOVE your fanfics (hardcore chanyeol stan here), and secondly i actually draw a lot of inspiration from you so i kinda wanted to know what your job is like and how do you cope with pressure?? cause i'm struggling at uni and i feel so lost about my career

hi anon!! omfg thank you so much for this cute compliment awww! I ALWAYS WELCOME THE CHANYEOL STANS!!! this blog is your home my love

oh hun. im sorry to hear youre struggling. :( uni is hard and stressful especially because you feel pressured to choose something you think of as a career - essentially deciding so young what you will do the rest of your life. the first thing im going to say is that what i went to university AND graduate school for is not TECHNICALLY what im doing with my career. i went to school for film and learned the following:

- editing- critical theory- film festival/event management- film archiving- museum curation

precisely none of what what im doing with my job relates back to my BA. my MA was kind of where i figured out what i should be doing. my MA was all critical theory and i realized i wanted to do something with film AND music. so i started work in music supervision and wrote my MA thesis on psychoanalysis/nostalgia and film soundtracks. that was how i figured out what i WANTED to do with my life but it still doesnt actually match what i do everyday/get paid for. what i do is CLOSE to my dream job, but not quite.

i mentioned all of that because sometimes what you do in uni doesnt give you the full spectrum of possibility. internships and work placements really help you see what other options are out there in the realm of your interests. also if youre struggling right now because you just arent sure, its ok to take a gap year after uni to volunteer or figure out your future. in the US theres A LOT of pressure to get a job right out of school, and that simply couldnt happen for me. even after i got my MA i had to work retail for a year before i could get into the company i wanted. 

as for my current job, while i dont feel comfortable saying what it is, i will say i work in a creative industry but i mostly have a desk job. my day to day job is very demanding and requires my full focus when im there because our industry moves so quickly, especially the department im in. i handle a lot of things for a lot of people, and also work with other companies to make things happen for our clients so coping with pressure is a thing i deal with regularly. 

if im feeling pressured to finish a thing or figure out a thing, i kind of just emotionally separate myself from it for a minute and try to compartmentalize things. ‘which of these is more important?’ ‘how do i finish this?’ ‘what do i need to do to get all these things done?’ 

doing that kind of makes me realize that some things im pressuring myself about cant be done that very moment and probably arent as important as other things on my plate. so i just work by priority. handling it this way doesnt mean im not feeling stressed. i get stressed pretty easily, but ive learned to breathe through it. sometimes ill vent to a friend - ive sent @kpopandlock MANY texts before meetings. hell there was a day i was in back to back meetings and couldnt eat until 4 and was so hungry and tired i wanted to cry, but because i got to talk to her while getting lunch i got all my worries off my chest and felt well enough to finish out my day. i was TIRED AS HELL but didnt feel low about the day, just was relieved to be home and relaxing.  

i also really like...i take self care very seriously because i am someone who gets stressed easily, devotes too much of her time worrying about work and is definitely the type to burn out/get depressed if i dont pay attention to myself. so i practice meditation every night to relax my muscles and heal my mind. i also do facemasks a couple nights a week to keep my skin healthy and free of stress signs. while i do a mask i usually watch videos that make me happy. i cook almost every night with a few glasses (or a bottle) of wine. its important to me that i leave what pressures me at the door so that my home is free of that energy. 

i hope some of this was helpful to you angel

[we-work-hard]

Conflict

Pairing: AJ Styles x Shane McMahon

Summary: Shane's thankful to be back home and safe after his crash-landing in the helicopter, but someone's still worried about him...

x-posted to aO3 (This isn't explicit yet, but I'm hoping...).

Notes: Shane/AJ are my FAVES, and I've wanted to write current-day versions for a while - mainly inspired by anons with @llowkeys (QUEEN), and the frickin' fantastic Shane/AJ fic writers of the world. 

(P.S. stylescoalition has already written a wonderful 'copter crash fic on aO3, and it's awesome, and anyone who hasn't read it should read it right now. Because it's SO GOOD)

P.S. I’m sleepy so this might be full of typos, tbh.

Warnings: Adultery, and language, and Daniel Bryan being a bit of a prick (I’m sticking with calling him Daniel Bryan). Also, maybe typos.

Conflict

‘jus had to get in a helicopter didn’t u’

Shane got the text at around 11, while snuggled up behind his wife in front of the TV, safe. After his ‘adventure’ in the helicopter today, she’d been terrified, angry, but – finally – relieved that he came home in one piece to her and the boys. He’d spent the last few hours alternately hugging and being hugged by his family, before getting the boys to calm down and sleep. She’d wanted to be close to him ever since then, tucked under his arm with her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He’d squeezed her tight and silently thanked God it hadn’t been more serious. He felt so, so stupid.

And talking of stupid, seems like AJ had heard about the helicopter’s crash-landing now too, and had decided to stick on ‘angry’.

But then, AJ was always angry now.

Shane can’t stop himself from thumbing in, ‘Who is this? I don’t recognise the number’.

That was pissy, but AJ makes him pissy. Stupid, hard-headed idiot man, getting in touch now just to piss him off. Shane’s not allowed to talk to him, even look at him, and AJ texts him tonight?

“Honey, you’re tensing up – you okay? Thinking about it? You’re not okay, are you?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine – don’t worry. Just, messages from work.”

“Now?! They can’t leave you alone for one night – after what happened today? I’m calling your stupid stubborn father–”

“No! Just, calm down – I need... I need some calm tonight. I don’t want to think. Please.”

She sighs and searches his face for the truth of that, and finds it. It settles her again. She doesn’t pick up on the kind of thinking he actually wants to avoid. Such as, thinking about the stupid man who’s blowing up his phone.  

‘u kno full well who this is, don’t be a prick shane.’

Aha. Shane’s the prick. Right.  

‘Ah – AJ, right? The last time we talked without a script you told me to put you out of my head – I did. Now, go away and leave me alone with my wife. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Me with my wife, playing happy families? I am. So, go back to being sullen and silent – you’re good at that. Leave me alone, like I’ve left you alone.’

He’s tensing up again, and she can feel it. So he strokes her hair, tucked under his chin. Always pretending, always hiding how he feels...

When the phone vibrates again, so fast, he knows AJ’s pissed.

‘oh, ur wife and family huh – family man now. Maybe u shld have thought abt them and the people u’d be leaving behind when u got into that crappy helicopter’

‘And what is that to you, how I travel, or my safety? Shouldn’t you be spending time with YOUR family, Allen? Instead of worrying about me?’

‘don’t call me allen’

‘Fuck you, Allen.’

‘fuck u shane u selfish ass’

“Do you want to go to bed, sweetheart? Maybe you should get some sleep, turn off the phone?”

It starts ringing, “P1” flashing on the screen. He rejects the call and turns the phone off.

“Sounds like a good idea, let’s go up.”

He can’t avoid this forever. But maybe he can try for a month or so. That’s about how long AJ’s been avoiding him.

*****

Two and a half months ago, on a Tuesday after taping...

"I mean, it's funny, but it's getting kinda weird."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess it is kinda weird…" Shane trails off.

He’s debriefing with Daniel backstage in his office for the night – the corner of a vending machine room, just because it had a desk in it – and they're talking about AJ Styles. Or, more accurately, Shane and AJ Styles, and the way they’ve been interacting since Wrestlemania. He didn't think anyone had picked up on it. Shit.

"Because, y'know, I get it, Shane. You guys are just goofing around. But, sometimes…”

Shane holds his breath.

“…I think he's taking it too far, like… is he flirting with you? It's weird," Daniel widens his eyes in mock concern.

AJ flirting? Flirting with him? Shane lets his breath out and feels his cheeks heat up in relief that he's not the one being accused of flirting. Then he feels guilty. Then he goes back to feeling relieved again. Okay, back to a little bit of guilty. He needs to throw Daniel completely off the scent that he might pick up any second, even though there isn’t a scent to pick up. No way, nothing. Not from him.

"Well, Daniel, it's just ribbing; we all do it. And you may have noticed this – we’re both married. To women. I think you're trying to stir something because you're bored."

"But, Shane–"

"You know how you get, Daniel,” Shane says wearily. Daniel’s got that impish look he gets when he’s looking to wind things up in the locker room. He’s a nice guy, but not the kind you let see your weak spots.

Luckily, it seems he hasn’t noticed Shane’s weak spot. Yet. Shit, shit, shit.

“Look, don't go around the locker room saying this crap – you're already on the ‘flat-earther’ stuff too much and he's getting crabby about it. Plus, you know he’s… religious."

“Don’t you mean: ‘kind-of a bigot’?”

Shane sighs.

“Did I say that, Daniel?”

“He’s got a reputation.”

“So have you.”

“For what?”

“Being annoying – can you wrap this up; can you do me that kindness?” Shane pinches the skin between his eyes with irritation. But not panic. Shit.

“I need to look over these scripts again. Off you go. Go away, Dan.”

“Hmm, well,” Daniel gets up to leave, with that same ‘I’m going to have to bring this up again, you know’ faux-worry thing he does.

“Stop it, Daniel. Have a good night. Or don’t.”

“Sure thang, sugar-britches,” Daniel gruffs out with a shitty Southern accent.

“You’re very funny,” Shane nods as Daniel finally walks away with a laugh.

“…Jesus.”

Shane allows himself to bang his head down on the desk.

It’s happening. Just what he’s been sweating about and losing sleep over.

Daniel will pick up on how defensive he’s being. Then he’ll notice how Shane has started watching AJ walk away whenever they pass in the hall. Then he’ll realise AJ’s just joking during their stilted interactions on camera (and backstage) when it gets ‘weird’, and that when Shane gives him the heart-eyes in response, he’s not joking.

Oh my God, how did this happen?

“Hey Shane.”

“JESUS.”

“Nah, Shane – just AJ.”

“Oh, right… of course. Yes?”

“Well, I just saw you collapsed on the desk. So, are you okay? You want some water, some ice? You know I’m good for that,” he says with a grin.

“There’s no Producer telling you to bring me ice now, AJ.”

“Uh, well, a Producer didn’t tell me to bring you ice earlier, either.”

AJ blushes and looks down at his feet. Uh-oh: danger. More weirdness imminent – is he making AJ feel uncomfortable? His poor straight co-worker AJ? Is Shane staring up at him too long? Oh God, he is.

“I- I’m fine, AJ – great! Just tired. Thank you, though. I appreciate that. Yes.” AJ finally looks back up and swallows, seems to roll his eyes at himself. Keep talking, Shane – keep talking.

“So, uh, AJ – you’re off to the hotel tonight, or driving through?”

“Hotel. Yeah. But driving through tomorrow… You?”

“Huh?”

“You drivin’ or stayin’?”

“Driving, back to Stanford.”

“Oh! Right,” he nods and looks at Shane for a while. Then realises Shane isn’t talking.

“Well, I guess I’m keepin’ ya...” he frowns.

Shane’s chest gets tight – what has Shane said, what’s wrong, what’s he done? Did AJ want him to stay behind longer, so he could tell him to cut out the mooning over him, all the hero-worship?

It is hero-worship he’s feeling towards AJ… right?

“Will we see ya next week, Shane?”

“I think so – should be around for rehearsal.”

“Okay. Cool. I’ll, uh, leave you to it.”

He knocks his knuckles against the wood of the desk twice, then turns to walk away. Finally. Shane lets out another breath he didn’t realise he was holding and tries to pull himself together. Maybe he needs therapy – would six weeks of intense psychoanalysis work with his schedule?

“Oh, Shane?”

Fuck.

“Yes, AJ?”

He’s stopped in the doorway, and he’s smirking.

“I got you that ice because you were looking overheated. Talkin’ to me on that show gets you all heated up and nervous, don’t it?’

Shane’s mouth goes dry. AJ’s eyes are sparkling with that playful look he’s been giving him since they started working together on the Wrestlemania angle. He can’t talk – does AJ know?

“It’s tough keeping up with The Phenomenal One, ain’t it?” Then he does the ‘AJ Styles pose’ with his arms out as he walks out of the door, laughing to himself, just like he had in the ring the taping after their match on April 2nd.

Shane swallows and starts to cough, undoing another button on his shirt. He’s sweating again, heart thudding fast in his chest.

It’s not hero-worship. Shane wants him.

“Oh, shit.”

*****

Shane can’t sleep. She’s sleeping, but since they got into bed, he’s been staring at the ceiling and regretting not taking the call from P1. AJ. Allen.

AJ might not want him anymore, but Shane still wants him. So badly. He only had AJ underneath him in a bed twice, but he wants him again. All of him. Even if he’s always angry.

The phone goes off when Shane turns it back on, quietly praying the noise won’t wake her.  

Three messages.

‘i was worried abt u’

‘i miss u shane’

‘forget it – delete these msgs’

Maybe AJ’s getting past ‘angry’. But neither of them are anywhere near relief.

[wthomeland]

I'm trying to figure out the point to this reveal that Dar has sexual abused Quinn. Why is it necessary? And what does it mean when Dar says "I never forced anyone to do anything?" Am I supposed to believe a 16 year old Quinn allowed it? I'd be more inclined to believe that if someone younger which I suppose is naive of me. I mean poor Quinn. I just want to give him a big hug.

Anonymous 2 said to wthomeland: Hello! As we all know, last episode was really hard to watch, for so many reasons. Considering the scene between Quinn and Dar, which you think is the purpose of it? Do you think is a plot device? What this might mean to the story going forward?

flor4life said to wthomeland: Well I loathe Dar Adal so much now that for a moment I forgot about Q/C. I want him to die in pain. What do you think is next?

Anonymous 3 said to wthomeland: sent an ask awhile ago about dar trying to turn q against c. I think the answer was something like “why would he do that”. Apparently because of jealousy?! 🙊😷

Anonymous 4 said to wthomeland: Well, Dar is officially on my shit list. Don’t see how he can come back from this one. Now we need Astrid to tell Quinn how absolutely devastated Carrie was when she thought he was dead.

Anonymous 5 said to wthomeland:  Totally agree with your episode 7 review. I thought Dar was supposed to be a red herring! Could he be, still? But, even so, how can they possibly even remotely begin to redeem him after this? Why introduce this shady but okay character in season 2, develop him over the course of the series, and then totally destroy him in ONE episode? I guess we have to rename episode 7: “Shady Becomes Satan, FYI.” Ugh, Javadi’s shooting didn’t even seem that coldhearted in comparison to all we went through.

Anonymous 6 said to wthomeland: Is it even possible Dar survives this season? I just don’t see him coming back from any of this.

Anonymous 7 said to wthomeland: So being the righteous, ethical American citizen that I am, I want to see Dar brought to justice by the courts, have him face humiliation from his peers, and sent to prison for the rest of his life. Would also love to see Q testify against him, with C in attendance to support him. But then again, we’d be coming full circle if Q took him out. Imagine the irony in that. Preference, WTH'ers?

Anonymous 8 said to wthomeland: Pure speculation, but do you think this could be Dar’s final season on the show? Not sure how they could begin to “redeem” him at this point, and I doubt they’ll have the gang chasing him around the Middle East for two more seasons. Love F. Murray Abraham, though!

Anonymous 9 said to wthomeland: Do we know what Dar’s current position/title is in the CIA? He seems to have a lot of power. And I don’t like that there is no active director for the second season in a row. Who is Dar answering too? I miss Estes and Lockhart.

Anonymous 10 said to wthomeland: So is Dar, like, the king of the deep state or something?

Hi everyone, sorry to clump you all together again, but we got slammed with asks today, as you might imagine. Also, I’m sorry to say in the process of cut and pasting in here I lost a couple of other asks along this same vein, so I apologize in advance to those of you who never get an answer from us 😬.

I’m going to try to tackle the “purpose” of this reveal from the perspective of Quinn and Dar’s characters separately. Although I can’t really say yet whether it was “necessary,” I’ll give you my understanding as it is now. 

For Quinn, this is an extension of what we learned about him in 5x12. We know he was recruited at 16 with the express purpose of using him to honey-trap targets (”pretty enough to turn the head of a Hong Kong paymaster”). So the implication is that Quinn did this for the CIA as part of his missions and did it willingly. This was not news to anyone.

Quinn came from a hard life on the streets; it doesn’t seem too big of a stretch to imagine he may have been turning tricks already when Dar found him. I think the bottom line is that Quinn was used to doing whatever it took to survive, seducing perverted old men and accepting Dar’s advances were just part of his survival instincts. I imagine Quinn never really thought of himself as a “victim” in this scenario, perhaps not until now that he’s older and his injuries are maybe forcing him to examine his past. 

The reveal definitely offers us a little more insight into the Quinn/Dar relationship. Why Quinn has such a hard time breaking away from Dar and the CIA. I do think, even though Quinn was a hardened street kid, he probably sought in Dar a father figure and wanted to please him. Perhaps unconsciously then, there was definitely this abusive, dysfunctional parent/child dynamic playing out. (Sorry for my layperson’s psychoanalysis, just going by what’s just kind of “out there” LOL)

ITO the reveal’s purpose for the story, I feel like at this point it necessitates some kind of “endgame” type confrontation between Quinn and Dar. Quinn HAS TO break free of Dar now. If the reveal doesn’t lead to this outcome, then I will probably have to declare it gratuitous. 

ITO the purpose of Dar’s character, I do have the feeling that it signals his end. Like many of you, I don’t see how he is redeemable at this point (unless perhaps he ends up sacrificing himself for Quinn? but that seems far-fetched LOL). I do hope between now and the end of the season, though, they manage to build some texture into Dar’s character again. It seems a shame to let him end his run as a really interesting “ambiguous” character as a one-dimensional villain. This, to me, would be very disappointing. (I’m with you, Anon 5)

As to Dar’s role in the conspiracy, clearly he has his fingers a lot more stuck in the dough than he would if he were a red herring, LOL. Nevertheless, I still harbor my doubts that he is the mastermind and have, since watching the episode, developed this little fantasy where Dar is actually a pawn in somebody else’s pawn and is ultimately brought down by his own weight. That would bring some poetic justice to Dar’s downfall and make it perhaps feel worthwhile. 

Let me just tie up some loose ends from your asks:

Anon 3 - ITO Dar’s interest in keeping CQ apart, I don’t think it’s “romantic” jealousy since Dar’s relationship with Quinn is about control. In Carrie, he sees a rival ITO his influence on Quinn. 

Anon 4 - I do think something like this will come up next episode between Quinn/Astrid. But Quinn can ultimately only be convinced that Carrie loves him by Carrie herself. 

Anon 7 - I want him to die, preferably a victim of his own game. 

Anon 8 - I do think this could be his last season, sadly 

Anon 9 - It’s not clear what Dar’s position is, but he seems to report directly to the Director. I also hope the Director makes an appearance this season. 

Anon 10 - I don’t think so. At least I hope not.