#and--obviously this does not go for everyone--but it's insane how much more personally fulfilled I've felt spending more time

[alewyren]

possibly a hot take but I think a lot of people are way too comfortable with STEM illiteracy.

Thing is, the way math and science are often taught in compulsory education sucks. Way too much time spent on busywork largely made redundant by modern technology, not enough time spent understanding concepts--frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if splitting math and physics into two separate subjects is a mistake, because you really can’t understand one without the other. Straight up, modern technology has made the busywork part of math mostly obsolete. Doing basic operations over and over again, memorizing formulas without any insight into their deeper meaning, is boring.

And sure, some people who struggle with STEM have actual learning disabilities that make it difficult if not impossible to process basic math operations. I don’t mean to throw those people under the bus here. But nearly every person I’ve met who’s said they’re “just not a math/science person” was actually, like, fine at it. They were just taught it terribly. I remember my mom complaining about how she was taught trigonometric ratios and had no idea what they could ever be used for, then proceeded to have her mind blown when I explained that they can directly measure gravity on a slope. You really don’t need to be an intellectual to learn math/science, you just need to be properly told what the hell you’re doing and why.

The needlessly stressful grading system also plays a huge part in discouraging people, frankly. Mistakes related to number-crunching details (ie: forgetting a minus sign) have very little to do with how well you understand the concepts, and time constraints make it worse. And some teachers are just straight up assholes who will give you a 0 for not showing your work exactly the way they want even if you clearly show enough to prove you understand the concepts (forever holding a grudge against my calculus I professor for this). None of this means you’re bad at math. Hell, I’m good at math but still don’t get, like, super amazing grades.

And it sucks that so many people get taught badly and then discouraged, because honestly? Math and science are cool as shit. Math is literally the language of the physical world, and once you learn enough to really start broadening your understanding, it will come up in ways you never could have expected (my physics coursework once saved an entire batch of pasta, I am dead serious). And the scientific method itself is applicable to all avenues of life. Seriously, if nothing else, learn how to not only cite sources, but vet their credibility.

And look, okay, I’m not gonna force you to do something you hate. But the problem is that STEM subjects come up all the time in life, and so many people don’t know how to engage with them properly. This is how you get pseudoscience MLMs, or faulty studies that get disseminated to push political agendas. Or on a more mundane level, why billions of people around the world use the internet every day and don’t know the first thing about cybersecurity. People want the security of a strong scientific grounding, but aren’t independently driven or encouraged to engage with the subject properly.

And yeah, I think we do need to restructure STEM education from the ground up, but broadly my point is this: if you’re living in a country that speaks a language you don’t understand, it’s generally advisable to try to learn as much of that language as possible. We all live in the physical world. We all use technology. Why are we so content to rely on other people to be our interpretors?

(obligatory khanacademy plug in case I’ve struck a nerve with anyone reading--great resource to brush up on subjects completely free! I would not have been able to pass calculus without it lmao)

[thedreadvampy]

I am so tired 😭 not like sleepy tired I'm just like

I don't know I think. I don't really need a lot from anyone. I have built a lot of my life around not needing a lot from anyone bc if you need someone then a) that traps them with you and b) you're pretty fucked if you can't rely on them being able to help

that's not to say I'm some sort of lone wolf John Galt island btw. obviously I need people. I have very often needed help with fairly basic things like eating, leaving the house and having shelter. On this I'm pretty good at asking for help, I've lived a lot of my life very reliant on the help of other people. But I try to avoid being in a situation where I need one specific person to help me, if it's an actual survival need I try and have at least a couple of backups before I ask the first person.

(something that does alarm me is that I do have a couple of exclusively load-bearing people just now. like people who if they weren't there I wouldn't have a second option built in. I guess that's trust? but it's also a lot of pressure to put on them)

so like I have spent a lot of time trying to build myself into a position where people can be unavailable to me or say no to me and I will be fine. I'm not going to die of it or go insane or get hurt. I can be relied on to feed myself, go to work or deal with taking a day off, to manage my bills, to get home safely on my own, to protect my physical safety and look after myself if I get ill, to deal sensibly with stuff going wrong or with a crisis...basically, left alone I Will Manage.

(sometimes managing might look like asking for very specific help like 'could I stay on your sofa tonight?' or 'can I come grab your keys cause I'm locked out' or 'i have covid can you leave 6 mangoes and a 2 litre of water outside my door?' or 'can you come get me because I can't leave the house' but those are always. Options. Not the only choice. If the answer is no I will figure something else out and it will be fine)

But like. What I'm finding a lot more. And I think this is maybe a symptom of being a few years into post-traumatic mode rather than constant crisis and instability. Is that I still don't need things from anyone but I'm very much more aware of how much I want from people. Like I want attention. I want love. I want to be looked after in the way that I have made it my life's goal not to need. I want to like. Be able to fall back and have someone else catch me instead of having to set up my own safe landing and several contingencies.

but at the same time these are wants and not needs. and needs should always take precedence over wants.

Like if I'm going to be fine but a bit lonely if I don't see person X, but someone else is in immediate physical danger of they don't see person X, then obviously person X should go see that other person. If I want sympathy and support from person Y because I'm a bit grumpy but they need my support because they're in crisis like, obviously that interaction needs to be about them. Somebody's survival needs are the priority. If an interaction isn't a survival need then it's a nice-to-have and you can ask for it and expect it from people who love you when they have time but you've got to be ready for that to not be a possibility.

but the difficulty is like. ok so a) I have put my eggs in the not-needing-any-one-specific-person basket, meaning I have worked hard to build strategies meaning very few bits of support are fully load bearing, and b) I'm out of crisis. weird. but other people aren't.

so that means that put simply. I want. Other people need. I will always get by on my own if I have to and not everyone will. I very rarely have a need that I can acknowledge both is a need and can only be fulfilled by a specific person.

so if you're paying attention you will notice that means: I am not ever going to be a drop-everything priority. If something else comes up I'm always going to say 'no you should go look after them/yourself' and mean it even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want you to stay and look after me, bc I know that I will be fine, just temporarily sad about it. Like I'm never going to be in a position where I feel able to ask to be cared for in a way that takes energy away from looking after yourself or other people bc I do not need it. I will manage. I have always managed and anyway things are more manageable now than they've ever been.

but at the same time like. I'm coming to really resent this about myself. I resent that I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself and parenting myself and that I'm constantly balancing other people's needs against my wants. I constantly want to throw myself on the ground and scream and cry and demand attention, like I want to let go completely and fuck up and leave it to other people to catch me, but I can't because that's not fair.

like I want to have needs. I want to be the priority and let myself be the priority. I want to be in dire straits such that people have to put me first or lose me. but like. It doesn't work like that. I've been in extremely bad situations, I've been in near constant crisis for like 20 years, and I've never been able to feel like I'm in a bad enough situation that looking after me should be a priority for anyone because I've always felt like it's on me to drag myself through it and figure it out.

And I have! I've done that! Not without damage but like I'm 30 and I'm still here and I did that. I had help along the way (shout out Alex you fucking lifesaver) but I made that happen.

but in some ways that's uhhhhhh worse? bc I know I'm right that if nobody looks after me I will be ok. I know I'm right that I can manage my own survival even when it feels impossible and even at times when nobody is available to help me. and if that was true when I was much closer to the edge then how can I ask to be prioritised now, when things are pretty much stable and safe for me and very much not that for most of the people around me?

but like. I am so fucking tired. I have been carrying the whole of my own weight and a bunch of other people's non-stop for decades and not been able to let go of any of it and I want so much to put it down. but I don't know how and anyway. it's a want. not a need. and needs come first.

(and it's haaaaaaard because ultimately the problem is with me. I don't prioritise me, and I actively push back when people try to look after me, so I don't think it's anyone's fault but mine. I have decided I can manage and other people can't (and that's pretty narcissistic and self-aggrandizing tbh). so like. If someone asks 'is it ok if I go look after X instead of staying with you' the answer of always gonna be yes. if somebody doesn't ask that but I know they're worrying about X I'm always going to gently encourage them to go deal with X. so I make it very hard to look after me or prioritise me bc ultimately I do think that prioritising me over other needs is almost always the wrong call. It's at the very least internally consistent but it's a very lonely place to be.)

[impalementation]

Hey I wanted to get your opinion on something I've been thinking about for a little while: For me, I see Buffy's jump from the tower in "The Gift" as (partially) an act of suicide as a result of years of trauma but also IMO guilt that she "lives with every day"(courtesy of "Phases") from all of that trauma that she feels like she should've been able to control: Angel's loss of his soul, Jenny Calendar's death etc. but I wish we could've gotten to see more of how that guilt has affected her (1/2)

(2/2) And by that I mean if we had more references to Dr. Gregory and how she liked him or saw Buffy grappling with her complicated grief for Ford, or if season 3 showed her grief for Kendra and how that might've affected her relationship to Faith. All of that just to ask: do you think the show did a good job of portraying Buffy's guilt and trauma from the losses and tragedies she's faced?

i’ll be honest, i don’t actually subscribe to the read of buffy’s sacrifice in “the gift” as suicide. so that’s going to color how i reply. she is, obviously, killing herself. and i know that there’s the context of spike’s death wish speech and buffy saying “i don’t know how to live in the world if these are the choices.” but personally, i think that buffy’s sacrifice is clearly meant to be heroic. i talked in a recent post about how the white light signals that, as well as the fact that it’s contrasted with ben’s cowardly decision to choose himself over dawn when faced with buffy’s same choice. there’s also the fact that dawn is life, or buffy’s youth, or any number of positive things, and her request that dawn “be brave” and “live” is about wanting that life to go on. most importantly, the show as a whole is so hard-line anti-suicide, that it just doesn’t really make sense to me that this scene that is clearly meant to be a positive, heroic (even if tragic for the audience) moment for buffy would be intended to be read as an act of suicide. like i mention in that post i linked, we even have the contrasting example of buffy in “dead things” for what it looks like when buffy is trying to figuratively sacrifice herself out of guilt. and the show doesn’t frame her actions in that episode as positive at all. (sympathetic, absolutely. but not really the “right” thing to do either.)

keep in mind that when spike says that “sooner or later” buffy’s “going to want” death, he has been unreliably narrating all evening. when buffy jumps, i don’t see her as fulfilling spike’s prediction straight. i see her as fulfilling it ironically, like a prophecy that comes to pass in the letter but not the spirit. in that moment, buffy does technically want kill herself, but not to die, or for any of the reasons spike gave. she wants to do it because it means that her sister gets to live. and she has been terrified all season that this would not be possible. similarly, when buffy says “she doesn’t know how to live in this world” i don’t see it as much about buffy not wanting to live but about buffy not wanting to live in this world. as in, the problem is the world. but when she jumps from the tower, she’s figured out a choice that she is finally content with (“tell giles i’ve figured it out”). a choice that allows dawn, and all of her friends, to keep (a) living, and (b) in this world. in other words, it’s a moment decidedly in favor of life.

symbolically, there’s also the fact that buffy’s leap into the portal is (in my read) about her leaping into the portal of adulthood. and then season six about the rude awakening of realizing that adulthood isn’t just about a single easy leap. which means that her death isn’t really about literal death. it’s about leaving childhood behind. which is sad and painful in its way, but still ultimately something that the show thinks is good and important and even heroic to do.

however. that said. i do think the show addresses some of what you’re talking about. if you’re looking for a season that’s about buffy’s accumulated guilt over her inability to save people, i think the season you’re actually looking for is season seven. season seven puts buffy in a pressure cooker where over and over she’s confronted with the fact that she can’t save everyone. “lessons” has dead spirits come to life who taunt her for not saving them:

BUFFY: Dawn? I'm close by.

DEAD JANITOR: Too late. But then, you're always too late, aren't you? Sure as hell didn't save me.

“help” has buffy trying to save cassie, who dies no matter how much buffy tries to fight it. “selfless” revisits buffy’s history of having to kill angel, and any other friend who becomes evil. “conversations with dead people” forces buffy to kill a former classmate/temporary confidant (shades of having to kill ford in “lie to me”). “sleeper” puts buffy in the position of potentially having to kill spike too, and when he gets kidnapped she may or may not be able to save him. when the ubervamp shows up, buffy’s ability to protect the potentials gets thrown into question. and that uncertainly only becomes more intense as the season goes on. obviously, season seven doesn’t really address much in the way of specific past trauma or guilt for buffy. it doesn’t reference those people you reference. but it does absolutely address the way that being the slayer has put buffy in this awful position where people are always dying, and it feels like her fault—sometimes because she literally has to kill them. which the season does because it’s trying to show that the solitary slayer mantle is a messed up, unjust system. it’s messed up that buffy should have to shoulder this guilt, especially alone.

so i mean, on the whole, yeah. i think the show does gloss over a lot of specific traumas. but in other ways it really doesn’t. "when she was bad” and “anne” and early season three clearly address how the end of the previous season affected buffy. and i don’t think it can be understated how insane it is that the show had buffy be depressed for literally an entire season. and even before that, buffy’s grief over joyce informs the back half of season five. i think it’s also clearly established that buffy represses like crazy, so it’s actually quite in-character to me that most of the time she glosses over the things that are hard for her--except those times when it cracks open. could the show have shown more? yeah, probably. and probably some of what it decided to show was affected by biases about what the writers thought of as important, or them just not wanting to be doom and gloom all the time. but on the whole what the show did show mostly worked for me.

this is all me though, of course! if you feel differently, that’s completely understandable, and definitely don’t let me stop you.