#and you probably say things like ‘kids these days don’t know real music’ or whatever

[chuckfinnlypwrmadness]

OK, I’ve heard this enough times and it seems like everybody on here has a misunderstanding about tweakers partying with other tweakers.

Hooking up with someone; that is where two people meet with the soul intention of fucking each other and having a good time doing that with each other. Neither one of them is paying the other. If there’s money involved, you’re a hooker. Nobody wants to hire a hooker to hook up with.

PNP; means party and play, not play & pay. When two people PNP normally the guy will rent a motel room for one to three nights, by the party favors and pretty much pay for the whole weekend. I myself or give the lady that I spent the weekend with a little sack to take with her so she doesn’t have to come down so hard. I’m not going to pay someone to show up to do that with me. That’s not how that works. You talk to somebody online or you’ve already know them you meet at the motel room I don’t pay for your gas to get there. I don’t have to cash app you money because you’re a broke ass bum you can’t drive across town probably cause of course you don’t live nowhere near where I’m at. And the funny thing is, y’all try to run that game all the time and it’s bullshit. I need gas money. I need a card all that dumb shit everybody’s hip to it. Meet someone across town at a motel walk in the door. Take all your clothes off. Get in the shower come out. Sit on the bed. Sit next to each other, talk get high fool around kiss watch TV whatever play game listen to music. But in no time does anybody exchange money? Nobody gets paid to be there. Another thing is who wants to send somebody some money so they can watch them on a video blowing clouds? That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve heard in a long time. I assure you there are plenty of women out here that you don’t have to pay at all to party with.

I have had girls that I was going to PNP with who did not wish to have sex and I told them that was fine. We don’t have to. I’ll pay for half of everything you pay for the other half the stuff, the motel, blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. And they were like why do I have to pay because usually when you PNP with someone whoever’s paying decides on what the activities will be most guys wanna have sex or fool around or whatever and if you don’t wanna do that then we can split the bill right in half. Anyways, I just wanted to clarify that if you’re on here trying to meet someone and hook up or PNP or blow clouds and you want to do it over a video chat or they have to send you money you’re fucking the game up and 90% of these girls on here talking about, I’ll deliver to you  and fuck you they are full of shit. I’m not gonna buy shit online so just give it up. I’m not going to send you money for gas or your sisters kids to watch a video or whatever that other dumb shit y’all talk about. I’m not doing it. Don’t ask me. I have women out here that want to party and play just to party and play and they want to hook up because they wanna get fucked and they are not asking for any money! Something else gentlemen, the majority of these girls on here are not girls. There’s some freaking Asian in a treehouse trying to scam you or some Indian in India trying to get your money. They’ll never show up. You lose all your shit. They are worthless  spineless pieces of shit ! They’re not real.

If you want to meet in PNP or hook up or SK8 and you don’t require any kind of money to get you to show up to have this fun then come on. If you’re broke ass needs money get a job suck dick do something quit trying to cheat everybody on here out of their money. It’s pathetic!!

ONE OTHER THING. PEOPLE WHO GET SPUN OUT EVERY DAY PEOPLE WHO DO THIS LIFESTYLE AND LIVE IT THEY CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU IF YOU REALLY GET SPUN OUT EVERY DAY OR YOU’RE DOING ANYTHING A LOT OF Y’ALL SAY Y’ALL WANNA DO ALL THESE THINGS BUT Y’ALL DON’T LOOK LIKE A TRUE PLAYER!

SOMEONE THAT GEEKS EVERY DAY AND LOOK AT A WOMAN TELL IF SHE’S REALLY GEEKING IF SHE GEEKS AT ALL. SO JUST KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT FOOLING NOBODY!

⚡️⚡️

[autisticempathydaemon]

hi, i was hoping to do one of the redacted matchup thingies, they’re so fun :) I’M SO SORRY THIS IS A PAGE LONG AAAAGH

i’m just gonna lead with the miscellaneous stuff (WOW i spelled that without spell check. didn’t know i could do that.) i’m a young adult bi dude. apparently i’m quiet but snarky and people say my humor is very dry (i have a monotone voice and am Very Committed To The Bit.). i used to have really bad anger issues to the point that davey pre-character arc is more relatable than he should be (even though my parents are alive. they’re just shit). i try to dress kinda grungy? but also whatever’s cozy/comfortable and in neutral/dark colors (except red! i like red, my hair is dyed neon red) i used to have cptsd so bad i basically didn’t leave the house for two years. i think it was like agoraphobia or something? there were delusions in there too. i’m much better now though.

usually the kind of stuff i listen to is loud angry rock music (fave song is hysteria by muse) or slightly older pop music (florence and the machine, MARINA) but the last few days i’ve been on a newer pop kick and i’ve been playing “Good Luck, Babe!” by chappell roan on repeat and it makes me want to scream on a windswept seaside cliff during a storm. specifically the bit from 2:15 to ~3:10 in the song. i know it’s a banger when it makes me want to scream on a cliff or punch something.

INTP? is that an enneagram? (“you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?”-sounding sentence, sorry)

not really video essays but i love listening to someone summarize books i never plan to read (i like the ones by cari can read or lexi aka newlynova.)

i didn’t have an imaginary friend? i’m incredibly autistic + adhd so i was daydreaming constantly to a near maladaptive extent but i never had One Consistent Thing that i thought was real.

i have to mash my face into the pillow for a bit to decompress and then i can sleep how i normally do, sleeping on my side in a way that’s probably very bad for my shoulders. (i am an adult dude and i hold a stuffed bunny who i haven’t given a name every night to go to sleep. maybe ill name the bunny after whatever character you give me)

my name is stolen from the love interest of a YA steampunk novel (a young victorian gentleman who wears eyeliner), because his character description just fits me so well, as well as the name itself just looking cool written down

my fave audio is probably the smash bros tournament :D. it literally convinced me to buy the game lol

it’s a good thing i’m anonymous cause i just do not get the gavin or caelum hype. i’m too possessive to date an incubus/ someone who will fuck other people. and i hate children so caelum is just past my threshold for kid-esque behavior that i’m willing to deal with. i’m also really not a fan of the yanderes/evil ones. other people can go ahead and like them, they just stress me out more which is the opposite of what i want.

knives out :D. the detective movie

i would friend the HELL out of asher. i just wanna play games with the man that’s all i ask

i don’t really get food at gas stations but whenever i go to a cafe i am probably getting something strawberry related (lemonade, a smoothie, etc) and a breakfast sandwich

the playlist “songs to get obliterated by a black hole to” is my pride and joy. i fucking love space and sci fi (that’s the thing i’d ramble about too)

my guilty pleasure media is the official gender-swapped twilight (puts my head in my hands) I KNOW.

I sent an anon for matchup earlier (I mentioned a stuffed bunny) and said I didn’t know what an enneagram was and I just looked it up and did a quiz and apparently I’m type 6? Idk how accurate that is but there you go (also I’m sorry if I was trauma dumping/oversharing I was restless from being inside all day whoopsie)

I’m a sucker for a good black cat/golden retriever sort of pairing, you know? Tack that onto you being a Type Six, and I’ve just got to pair you with Huxley!

Type Sixes are characterized by a desire for stability and security, for dependability, and who’s more reliable than Huxley? This also works with your self-described possessive nature in that Huxley would be the best partner to never trigger that nature, to never make you doubt or toe your boundaries. I also love him for you because we know Huxley canonically is a calming, relieving presence in the face of anger and conflict, which makes him even more perfect for you! (Also I think your grunge fashion sense would contrast so cutely with his casual, gym-bro style.)

Huxley would be so fun to be with! He’s no Asher, but he’d be a great gaming buddy, happy to show you all the Smash tips and tricks for when he introduces you to his family. Speaking of family, Huxley’s moms would just adore you for making their son happy. I can see him taking you to the east coast to meet them and taking you on the hiking and camping trails of his youth. It’d be a lovely time of you showing him the stars and constellations at night and maybe even him finding a cliff for you to sing Chappell Roan off of.

Song:

And I hold you every night/ And that's a feeling I wanna get used to/ But there's no man as terrified/ As the man who stands to lose you/ Oh, I hope I don't lose you

It was so fun to look for a pop-rock song that would make you want to scream or punch something, and I hope this fits the bill. The first chorus extremely hits on top of being a beautiful love song, and I think it wouldn’t be out of place on a road trip with Huxley in the driver’s seat or by a gorgeous cliffside.

Runner-ups:

Aaron and Sam are your runner-ups for a lot of similar reasons. They both also have drier senses of humor, so I think you could vibe and hold to a bit with either of them. I headcanon both of them wearing red often (Sam, a red-checked flannel and Aaron, a red polo a la his thumbnails), so you could match. I also headcanon both of them actively wanting to be child-free, so you’d be compatible in that aspect. Aaron outranks Sam just slightly because I think he’d offer more stability and security given his occupation and Unempowered status.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[phanofclouds]

i was tagged by @drunkenromantic to answer the get to know me tag! thanks a lot for tagging me !! 🩵

1. Do you make your bed?

yes i do ! especially if i’m at home. i like to have my room tidy and, as it’s pretty small, that comes quite easy

2. Favourite number?

27, because i’ve had some good, but also some bad coincidences with it

3. What's your job?

i’m currently a student and i don’t work as of right now sooo, none :)

4. If you could go back to school, would you?

absolutely no because of constant burnout + the people.

5. Can you parallel park?

well i used to while i was learning how to drive, but after i got the license i’ve tried once, miserably failed, and never tried it again. (i probably should re learn it though)

6. Do you think aliens are real?

i don’t know, you should ask casper ruud or alexander rossi

7. Can you drive a manual car?

yes, i’ve only ever driven manual cars actually

8. Guilty pleasure?

probably listening to reggaeton? although the more time passes, the less guilty it is

9. Tattoos?

i really like them, but i can’t see myself ever getting one unless i’m 1000% sure about what i want to get

10. Favourite colour?

turquoise ! i also love most shades of blue and green

11. Favourite type of music?

tough choice…i would say pop, rock, indie, and whatever muse do i guess. shoutout to most genres of albanian music as well

12. Do you like puzzles?

i do ! haven’t done one in ages though

13. Any phobias?

thanatophobia. yeah.

14. Favourite childhood sport?

i wasn’t into sports at all as a child, but i’ve tried and, to a certain extent, enjoyed athletics during middle school, so i would probably go for that. i’ve also watched the occasional world cup/euros matches as a kid, but more for the vibes rather than for the football itself

15. Do you talk to yourself?

i’ve got to admit this, i do it all the damn time

16. Tea or coffee?

both ! not a single day goes by in which i don’t drink at least one of the two

17. First thing you wanted to be when growing up?

whatever barbie did in her movies, i wanted to do as well. no wonder i actually have no clue what to do with my life now

18. What movies do you adore?

i’m anything but a movies person, but if i had to list some of my favorites, i’d say dead poets society, the truman show, toy story, the maze runner saga

this was fun ! i’m tagging @nick-cassidy @dacchamp @jakehughesrace @aliassimes @carlosheinz (no pressure to do it of course !! <3)

[twilightknight17]

This time on P3R: Get in the car. We’re going to war. Atlus is just personally attacking me now.

(I’m half-joking. Probably.)

It’s the first day of December, and Ryoji was absent today. But I got a text from him after school asking me to meet him in the music room.

Specifically using the phrase “I need to see you right now.”

He’s sitting at the piano when we get there, by himself. Something is clearly wrong.

Don’t apologize. You’re important to me.

He’s not even sure what he wants to say. So he just thanks Minato for spending time with him, because he’s learned so many new things and got to experience so much, like the trip to Kyoto and just hanging out with everyone.

...oh. He learned to play the piano. For Minato.

Let’s do it let’s play together let’s play a duet asdfjkl;

We don’t have another time! T_T

He says that seeing the couples in Kyoto and spending time at the dorm has helped him understand what it means to build real connections with other people. They help each other overcome challenges and keep each other going. And they understand each other.

It’s… sweet, knowing what he is. He’s trying so hard to understand, and he likes people so much.

………

……Atlus. ATLUS. What is this? WHAT IS THIS? I’m not allowed to date this boy and you put THIS dialogue in this game how much more blatant can you GET OH MY GOD.

Hello, TVTropes editors, it’s not a crack ship or ships that pass in the night after a line like that.

...WHERE IS MY THIRD DIALOGUE OPTION. ATLUS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Yes, I want to be more than friends, I love you, please, please, please, if I love you enough I can save yo--

FUUKA NOT NOW WE’RE HAVING A MOMENT.

Fuuka comes in and says that she was passing through and heard someone playing a beautiful song, so she thought she’d come in and listen to the performance. Which. Did you just hover outside the door after he stopped playing so you could interrupt at the worst moment?

That was mean. I’m sorry, Fuuka. But seriously.

She asks who was playing. It was Ryoji. He’s right there, Fuuka, come on--

Did my boyfriend launch himself out that window to escape this interaction? Oh my god.

I never should have taken my eyes off him.

I didn’t even really get to answer him. Those weren’t definitive answers.

God. Fuck. Atlus, why. Why would you do this to me.

All I can do is go home, and spend my evening doing whatever.

Ryoji’s still absent from school, and now Aigis is gone, too.

But there’s literally nothing I can do.

I guess I’ll go to my student council meeting.

...Odagiri-kun, I know I’ve been neglecting your link. But – and I say this with as much respect as I can manage when I’m busy worrying about my boyfriend – it has been over six months. Just let this go, holy hell.

I’d rather not go home, but I guess I have to. After all, I need to get some sleep before the plot decides to go haywire.

You’ve never woken up at midnight even once this entire month? God, I should have woken you up in Kyoto.

Also the fact that Aigis went after him without telling anyone else what was going on… no. We’re a team for a reason, Aigis!

But no. He’s “dangerous”. He’s her enemy.

He also doesn’t know what’s going on at this point.

Shoutout to Atlus for the butterfly wings when she activates her powers. Thematically appropriate for the papillon heart. But look at his face! He doesn’t understand what’s happening, and you’re trying to kill him!

It triggers his memory, though.

Ryoji is the thirteenth Arcana Shadow: Death. And ten years ago, he was broken into thirteen pieces because of an incomplete awakening in the Kirijo labs. During a fight on the Moonlight Bridge against Aigis, a robot created specifically to destroy shadows, she couldn’t defeat or destroy him, so she sealed him into the only available vessel.

So, y’all killed his whole family in your fight. Oof.

Aigis says she had no other choice but to seal Death in this kid. I guess when you’re 100% focused on your goal, it certainly would seem like that.

I am curious what happened to Minato after that. I’m surprised any of the remaining scientists didn’t snatch him up. Did Aigis just never mention what happened to Death?

Apparently not, because this poor kid was left to grow up alone, until his inevitable return to Iwatodai.

...he looks like he’s in pain, now that he’s remembered.

Aigis comes at him, even though he tells her not to because he’s stronger than the first time they fought. He’s got all of his pieces now. He doesn’t want to hurt her. And he deflects her no problem with what I’m assuming is Moonless Gown. But she keeps trying, even activating Orgia Mode, until she can’t anymore.

Fuuka had been scanning for Aigis, and SEES took off immediately when she found her, so now we’re arriving two minutes too late. Aigis is down, entirely shut off, and Ryoji is not doing well.

You didn’t want any of this. It’s not your fault.

He tells SEES that the shadows exist to bring the rebirth of the “maternal being”, and that the Appriser exists to draw her to him and allow her to awaken.

Overwhelming?

Incomparable?

Inevitable?

OLCE?

He explains that he was born ten years ago and sealed inside Minato, and that Minato returning to Iwatodai set all of this in motion.

Junpei, he’s awake during the Dark Hour and won against Aigis. There’s clearly something going on here.

...plus, listen to how sad he sounds.

No wonder. An awakening will take it out of you, and he awakened to something stronger than most of us can comprehend. Minato also realizes that Ryoji was probably Pharos all along.

This would be a great opportunity to carry him home like a damsel, though. I’m gonna pretend that’s what happened, especially after the music room conversation. And I KNOW I’m gonna have to go to school tomorrow, but I’m also going to pretend I don’t have to.

But yeah. Seriously, Atlus? For real? All of that?

Just end me.

I need to go write fic or something.

They deserve to make out on a piano.

I’ll do the sad explanation next time.

(Also I’m gonna hit the image limit. X’D)

[sanrielle]

⭐️ - for the directors cut ask <3 hope you’re doing okay!!

I'm doing pretty well, thanks :D Hope you are too! Thanks for the ask :)

So this goes back a bit, but it's related to my smut fic, 'As Long As You Need Me', which was left kind of open-ended (mostly to avoid angst). I had ideas for a non-canon sequel--basically an AU--that would take place 20-25 years later. Rather than letting their issues/jobs get in the way of happiness, Toph and Sokka would end up with some accidental kids over the years and figure things out together.

I never wrote this fic, but I did write a scene. It's formatted as a diary entry from the POV of Suyin, the youngest of five. She has a twin brother named Koda, who is deaf and blind. Her other siblings are Kya (Sokka totally stole the name before Katara could use it lol), Ilia, and Lin. Suyin is meant to be ten in the fic, but she tells a story from when she was a couple years younger.

Anyway, I've dug that scene out of my dusty chest-o-abandoned-WIPs :D

~~~~~

Two years ago, we went to the Lantern Festival and Mom punched a guy in the face!! It was AWESOME.

(Since she started the police force back before Kya was born, she’s good friends with the Chief so she got off with a warning.)

But anyway, here’s what happened:

“We’re going to go find our friends,” Ilia said when we got there. She and Kya always went off on their own.

“Can I go with them??” Lin begged. 

“No way! We’re not here to babysit!”

“It’s not babysitting! I’m not a little kid!”

I just kept quiet while they argued, knowing me and Koda would be staying with Mom and Dad whatever happened.

“Mom, c’mon,” Lin said. “At least let me go find my friends.”

Mom probably would’ve let her go, but Dad interrupted.

“C’mon, Lin. It’ll be fun! Remember last year, how we snuck into the parade?”

“Ugh, that was so embarrassing!”

“Oh, give it a rest,” Mom said. “You loved it.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. Mom was right— She and Lin had ‘borrowed’ a dragon costume and run up and down the parade with it. Me and Koda stayed with Dad and climbed onto one of the floats. It was a lot of fun because I got to climb up to the top and wave at people like I was a princess or something.

Anyway, by the time Lin gave up arguing and agreed to come with us, Kya and Ilia were gone. I wished they’d come with us and we could’ve all gone together, but I guess they’re just too grown up to hang out with their parents and siblings :(

We walked around for a little while and played some games, then went to where there were a bunch of food carts by the park and got a little bit of everything. We sat in the grass and pigged out while listening to a band.

Koda was really happy that day. I guess he could feel the beat of the music or something because he got up and started dancing, making excited, happy noises.

He’s never said any words—how would he know them?—so the noises he makes sound a little funny, I guess. He makes different sounds if he’s sad or happy or scared or mad, but I think only people in our family can tell the difference.

Another family walked past and they had a boy about my age. I saw him point at Koda and say something to his dad. I couldn’t hear them but Mom has SUPER hearing and she must’ve heard what the dad said because she got up and stomped over to him all angry. Even though I tried SO hard to listen, I don’t know what she said, but at least I got to see her punch him right in the nose!

It was HILARIOUS! The guy fell right on his BUTT and his face was all bloody! Dad got up real quick and went over there. The guy was yelling and his wife was yelling. Koda was still dancing and making noises, not caring about anything else in the world, so I got up and danced with him. When Mom was done yelling, she and Dad came back and we all danced together—even Lin!

[chewycrunchytgirl]

hello tumblr user crunchytgirl, quick question: what's your favourite namari hime song(s)??

Hello leek, thank you for asking, it’s a complicated question to answer because there are so many good ones, but I can sort by which ones I like the most for different reasons

The song that first got me into nyanyannya as an artist outside of just pjsekai was Club=Majesty, and that’s one of my favorites in part because out of any song ever produced, that one had the biggest mental impact on me in interpreting its message. It hit even harder in a humorous way because of the fact that I was actually in a hotel room on the Las Vegas strip when I listened to it, already in the belly of the beast, so to speak, and the ideal of opulence at the cost of others sang about in Club=Majesty was surrounding me, and that I think me beginning to feel disillusioned, or even disgusted with the luxury I was currently experiencing (I was on vacation) was the first real rift in thinking to form between myself and my father, and led in part to my mental independence.

Sister=Sect Rouge was also pretty influential, and holds a special place for me, in the fact that that is actually the song that convinced me to come out to my best friend about wanting to transition and become a woman. I had long realized that things didn’t feel right as I currently was, but I had been of the mind that doing so would make me a flawed, defective woman unless I worked really really hard, and I had no use trying to justify (Justin⟹Jive⟹Justify reference!?) any extra work for myself, instead opting to feel the pain I know rather than the one I don’t. That all changed one fateful night when I had a dream and met one single, incredible character. Transmasc Sister=Sect Rouge. In he walked with such incredible confidence my girlfriend in the dream immediately broke up with me to go with him. He walked and spoke with an otherworldly swagger and influence. But the most important part? There was almost nothing different. He wore the same outfit, if a bit more minimalist, had the same voice, did the same things, overall the same except for a clear masculine presence that only existed in the realm of thought. And that made me realize that I think it didn’t really matter if I passed, or if I had a feminine voice, or if I dressed femininely, it only mattered that I had the confidence to simply be a woman. That was the catalyst that led to me coming out and starting my journey, and I have had so much joy since. Also the song is a banger and speaks to my previous experiences and critiques with religion when I was a kid.

I also have kind of a sleeper pick, in that I’m a big fan of Noel de Figaro. In the music you can hear how it resembles Noel’s part in El Tango Egoista and in that latter song hear his part break over time and melt into Sister=Sect Rouge’s part, and I think that’s neat. But more than that, Noel is one of only two characters in my life that I have ever truly kinned, and this song is the primary reason why. The whole song is about how truth and sincerity are the only things that matter, told through a somewhat condescending tone, perhaps, and if that were all it would make it one of the weaker songs on nyanyannya’s list, if not for the implications caused by what else we know about his character. Noel de Figaro is an alias. This man is lying as he preaches truth. He is failing as he preaches resilience. He is shrinking away as he preaches confidence. He is the contradictory spirit that posesses my own words and actions, and I think of him every time I think about how “the only true talent is endurance and willingness to practice” and then not practice at that thing, or when I say “austerity breeds power” and then I seriously overcomplicate whatever the thing is. I try my best every day to overcome these flaws, and I know he probably is too. Noel Beutel is my favorite Namari Hime character by far, and I feel conflicted after I realize that he’s probably one of the few who is dead. I think about his journey daily and I am spurred to keep living my life by the fact that I would want him to.

I’m also a big fan of Asu wa Subarashi, an old nyanyannya title featuring Kagamine Len before the Namari Hime series really took shape, and for the problems that song may have it makes me cry without fail every time I even think about it for too long.

Also for reference’s sake I have not read the nyanyannya light novels, and I joined the fandom around the time Kirapipi Kirapika released, so about 8 months ago.

I’ve also been trying to find the Kadoh-anna-ruk-ah Cyanotype album in disc form for a really really long time so if anyone has any leads on that please DM me

I’ve also been listening to Peacemaker on repeat lately

Sorry for the long response, I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this in a while

Oh also EDIT: fun fact I actually saw the Cyanotype album in a dream several months before I found out it exists! I had to prevent myself from spending all of my money on it, just like in real life :3

[myloveforhergoeson]

That's All She Wrote - Chapter 19

Chapter Index

Find me on wattpad + ao3!

Show: Big Time Rush

Pairing: James Diamond x Original Female Character

Chapter 19: No Sleep Till Brooklyn ~ 11k

Jo and Camille,

You’ll never believe who took my phone the first day of tour and refuses to give it back because “I have more important things to be focused on right now.”

I KNOW HE CHANGED MY LIFE BUT SOMETIMES I HATE GUSTAVO ROCQUE. And I’d never say I hate Kelly, but I am upset she let him do that… SOS!

Thanks to my expert negotiation skills, I’m allowed one call to my Dad per week - like this is some kind of prison or something - so I’m going to do my best to write letters to both of you in order to keep you updated.

While it took a long time for Gustavo, Kelly, and I to map out this tour path, I didn’t think about what it would mean to be crammed on a handful of buses with both the band and our musical accompaniment. Our lovely producer and talent scout get to take flights and stay in five-star hotels, but I’m okay to travel by bus. I’ve only been to Minnesota, Wisconsin, and California, so I’m excited to see the country this way. First stop - Orlando! In three days!

We booked three buses, one for the musical accompaniment (technically I’m one of them I suppose, but the boys say they hate road trips with Logan, so I just snuck onto the bus he’s on to keep him company), and two for the band. Each one has three tiny bunks, some couches, a full bathroom, most of a kitchen, and plenty of cabinet space for snacks, games, and anything we could possibly need. For now, I’m writing from the couch, sitting next to a napping Logan, and Carlos is up front making friends with the driver, Henrietta. The other bus is currently transporting Kendall and James.

Speaking of, after Gustavo told us the tour was back on after the concert when I came running to you two to tell you what had happened, James practically ran straight to 2-J to pack and hasn’t spoken to me since. I thought I had done everything right but I guess maybe he wasn’t actually into me after all. Maybe just the thrill of surviving a kidnapping?

“I lived through this so now I can kiss Roxy!”

Blegh.

Though, I suppose it might be a good thing… After thinking about it while I was packing I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now, if that’s even something he’s interested in. Sure, I like him, but I think I still need some time to get over what Dak did to me. As much as I don’t enjoy thinking about it, they bare many similarities and that scares me a bit more than I’d like to admit.

Pop stars

Can be self-absorbed

‘Cuda extra strength hairspray

Pretty

I should probably quit while I’m ahead, but I guess I’m gonna learn my lesson if I keep playing with fire and then promptly getting burned.

All my love,

Roxy

***

Hey,

It was so humid in Orlando that it took me an extra hour to fix my hair before the show, but other than that, we had a lot of fun! I’m really proud of the show we put together and getting to perform for a new crowd all the way across the country was so surreal. There are people who know all the words to my songs, more than willing to scream them right in my face… If only that pesky boy band wasn’t in the way.

Just kidding!

Today, we’re heading to Mansfield, Massachusetts - one whole day on the bus and a show tomorrow. I’d look up some facts about the town to share but, you know, no phone or whatever. Warden Rocque hasn’t changed his mind even after the combination of pleading from the five of us…

Before the show in Orlando, I got to talk with the guys in the musical accompaniment band a bit more, they were super nice! Mick, the bass player, is pretty quiet and mostly hangs out with Gustavo and Kelly since they’re old friends, but Austin, the drummer, is our age and easy to get along with! He goes to a performance arts high school in Los Angeles called Hollywood Arts (Can you believe that’s a real thing?! A whole school just for acting, singing, and growing musical talent?!)

Austin and I have somewhat similar music taste, and his father taught him how to play the drums, just like my dad taught me how to play the guitar! We’re alike in many ways, and since 1/4 of Big Time Rush wants to ignore me right now, I think I’ll be spending more time with him…

It’s bad that I thought James might kiss me again at the show last night, right? I stood in the same spot side-stage, putting on the same lipstick and everything, but he and the band just ran past me on the way to the other side of the venue. I wonder if he told them what happened; everyone else is being normal to me.

Logan says he misses you so much, Camille! Quickly followed by a panicked statement, “Not that I don’t care about Jo, it’s just different!” Kendall joined us on the bus today, swapping out with Carlos, and said, “Tell Jo I vow to get my phone back so I can call her again,” and when I asked him why he didn’t write you letters too, he claimed that stamps were too expensive. Perhaps your boyfriend is both illiterate and broke, Jo, and for that I’m sorry.

See you soon, even if soon isn’t soon enough,

Roxy

***

Thought of you both today, and it made me so happy,

We just arrived in Agawam, Massachusetts, which is only two hours away from Mansfield, so we had a quick show turnaround for the day.

I never knew going on tour was so exhausting, it’s like I’m constantly running around the venues, checking our equipment, making sure the proper snacks are in the band’s green rooms, or seeing if the stage crew needs any help. We have two big eighteen-wheelers to carry all of our stage equipment… I can’t imagine being in charge of all that stuff - the stage manager is a saint!

This morning, Gustavo dragged us out of the bus around 6 am to get to a local radio station so the band could promote their show tonight live on the air. They even gave a pair of tickets away to a fan, it was so fun to watch and reminded me a bit of my radio days. I might call my old boss and ask her if BTR can get on Project Pop when we finish our tour in Duluth.

While the band was working out with our athletic trainer to keep in shape for the show this evening, I hung out with Austin a bit more. He was nice enough to show me his drum kit and I think I’m going to ask him to teach me how to play if we have some free time. It looks a lot more fun than the piano, plus I get to hit things. Drums are a crucial part of instrumental songwriting, and I could really use the knowledge of a seasoned drummer to help me learn.

James saw us together today when he made his way to the stage to warm up for the show, and I might be overexaggerating but I think he was a bit put off by it. I thought about talking to him about it, not that I need to ask if it's okay or justify who I hang out with, but I actually think he and Austin would get along really well if he could stand to be in the same room as me for more than 5 minutes.

I think it should be illegal to kiss someone and then promptly ignore them. What if I wanted to kiss him again? And again? And again?

Anyway, I wish mail traveled fast enough that you two could send me replies and I’d be guaranteed to get them at the next venue. It feels a bit like I’m writing to a brick wall here, but it certainly keeps me occupied during our very rare downtime. The couch on this bus has become my unspoken spot (the bunks are too narrow and small for me to feel comfortable in them) and I need to do more than just sleep here, listen to my iPod, or write/play my guitar.

Until the next letter,

Rox

***

Hello!

Too many things happened today for me to record before the show, I’m writing you two a nice list as we drive away to our next stop.

James rode the bus with Logan and me today (a two-hour ride to Saratoga Springs, New York) and the two of them ignored me almost the entire time and just played their stupid video game on the TV. All I got was a “Hey, Rox, can we use the couch?” and some semblance of a thank you when I told him yes. Ugh. Is “Hey, Rox, remember when I kissed you last week? Wasn’t that so awesome? Wanna do it again?” too much for him now? It feels like I sucked all of his fun, flirty, carefree attitude straight out of his body.

I asked Austin if he could teach me how to play the drums and he said yes, as long as I helped him write a song for a fun summer project. Apparently, a good chunk of the kids at his school are songwriters too, how neat! If they write something like a short scene of a play, a song, or a musical composition and present it in the first few weeks of school, they get extra course credit. I wish the Palm Woods school had something like that - I’d be rocking straight A’s the entire year.

It was finally time for me to call my dad today, as per Warden Rocque’s direction, and he’s doing okay. Nothing ever changes with him, so I’m pretty at ease as we travel. Kelly let me put him on the guest list for the Duluth show, and even though I know he won’t really like our music, I think he’ll admire the production. He always wanted to tour around the country, and I hope showing him some backstage magic can help satisfy the teenage rocker he used to be. Maybe it’ll be a good time for him to meet Kendall, Logan, and Carlos too!

The band was recognized in public for the first time today while we were waiting in line for coffee! I’m not sure if the girl posted the photo I happily took of her and the boys to ScuttleButter, but I hope you two can find it so you can see their dazzling, shocked smiles. They were beyond ecstatic; Carlos spilled most of his drink from how hard his hands were shaking with adrenaline. Good thing he wasn’t wearing his concert outfit or Gustavo would’ve thrown a fit.

I was hoping to sneak away and take a train to New York City since we got here so early in the morning, but that is what happened instead. We’re playing Madison Square Garden near the end of the tour, so I’ll see the city then, but I’m worried I’ll be too tired and burnt out to enjoy it.

Warm wishes,

Roxy

***

Friends,

Sorry for the lack of letters these past few days! We’ve been so busy getting from New York to Oklahoma, we haven’t stopped anywhere with a mailbox I could easily find. You know what would make it easier for me to find a post office? Having my phone.

I’ve probably complained about that enough, right?

Over the course of this particular trip, I’ve been traveling with Logan and Carlos and I’m beginning to understand why the boys claim road trips with Logan are tough. He has a pretty strict expectation for cleanliness, which Carlos and I do not adhere to at all - but in helping clean up and placing things in their bunks to help put a rest to Logan’s anxiety this afternoon, I learned he has a picture of you, Camille, tapped to the top of his bunk. It’s been pretty well hidden by the curtain he keeps drawn, but I caught a glimpse of it this afternoon. So romantic!!! I imagine Kendall has something similar of you, Jo, but I’ll have to wait until he’s back in rotation with us to double-check.

I wonder if it’s exhausting for the other three to keep moving around, or if they prefer it that way. For me, I like knowing that Bus 1 is my bus… Having to haul all my stuff from one bus to another feels like an excellent way to lose some of my things.

Do you think if James and I were together he’d have a picture of me in his bunk? The thought of him falling asleep to dreams of me… Seems impossible. And exhausting to work for. If he’s going to be all hot and cold like this, I’m not sure I’d be able to take it, but on the other hand, it’s not like I’m communicating with him either because whenever I even try to bring up anything related to us at all, I freeze up and all the thoughts exit my brain before I can get a word out. Maybe we are made for each other after all since neither of us seems to want to get a word out… The pretty idiot and his idiot songwriter… Haha….

On a separate note, after the show in Tulsa tonight, the band, our bosses, and the musical accompaniment will be headed straight to the airport to catch a flight to Del Mar, California for our next show there in four days. Due to my flight aversion, I get to stay with the buses and gear and travel on the ground to meet them there. It will be interesting to see how I fare, considering I’ve been around the band 24/7 for the last two weeks. Maybe I’ll be able to work on some music distraction-free. I have a few works in progress, both about guys I really don’t want to think about, but once this tour cycle is over there’s no doubt we’re going to begin the process all over again for album 2.

Just paused writing this to pull out my journal and write “All Over Again” down on a blank page. That sounds like a wonderful song title.

Talk again soon,

Roxy

***

Guess what?

I was right about getting in some quality songwriting time. With the near silence of the bus, besides the intermittent strumming of my guitar and terrible singing of my own lyrics to the musical background track in my head, I think I’ve finally finished Til I Forget About You, even if the title isn’t all that accurate.

In fact, the title isn’t accurate in the slightest. In these last four days, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about Dak more. There’s been lots of frustrated yelling, crying, ripping and crumpling of pages of my journal on the floor… I don’t know how Taylor Swift makes writing break-up songs look so easy. She’s been who I pray to when I get stuck on a line or can’t figure out which chord I like better.

Between Gustavo’s and my affinity for pop music, when I write from the deep recesses of my heart, I find myself bringing out my rock roots. There’s nothing better than the feeling of guitar blasting from the speakers so loud you can feel it rattling around in your rib cage, filling up your ears and leaving them ringing for days on end, and that is the feeling I’ve been coasting on these few days…

It reminds me of my dad and I think that’s why it helps me feel better. Growing up on the heels of his time in the rock scene in Texas, then discovering the punk scene in Minnesota, he was always using his free time to replicate the sounds he’d hear at shows to play for me on his days off. He would tell me all the time that I was such a smiley, giggly kid, as long as his guitar was out - so the minute I was old enough to hold one in my hands he bought me one and taught me to play.

When I was finally old enough to go to shows with him, I always loved the contrast between our looks - my mainstream, bright-colored clothing straight out of TeenVogue and his old, beat-up black band t-shirts blending in with the dark ink on his forearms and even darker jeans and Doc Martins. Was a crowded basement in a random suburb miles away from our house, filled with drunk 20 to 30-somethings and a lineup of 7 different bands in one night really the safest place for a 13-year-old girl? Certainly not, but he always kept me safe and gave me a space to foster my own music taste just like he was afforded as a teenager.

Phew. That was a long-winded way of saying that I’m finally starting to find myself getting over the pain Dak caused me through my music, and I’m really lucky Big Time Rush has given me the space to explore this. Not that Til I Forget About You is an incredible, unmatched rock song - it is still very much a pop song, which I love just as much - but it is, for all intents and purposes, mine.

I miss both of you so much, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Roxy

***

Greetings,

One thing always seems to lead to another. In Del Mar, we finally had an actual, honest-to-God day of rest yesterday and the band asked if I wanted to go to the beach with them. Of course, I agreed, because it felt close to chilling by the Palm Woods pool, but once we got there I quickly learned that the trip everyone took without me brought Austin and the boys closer together. Which is fine, that’s what I wanted in the first place, but now, it feels like I’ve lost my touring buddy.

They spent the entire day surfing (where did these boys learn how to surf?), playing volleyball, and trying to pick up dates, and basically left me to my own devices to watch our stuff. I even wore my best bikini top (purple!) in hopes maybe, just maybe, it would bother James a bit, but I’m not sure he even noticed as he kept trying to play wingman for Carlos and Austin all day. I guess he decided no one on the beach was interesting enough to try and pick up.

Something I did notice, not that it matters at all, but Austin had a bit of trouble in the sun all day. Logan said that he was displaying symptoms of hypoglycemia, and he and I had to help Austin back to our stuff at one point after he nearly toppled over from how shaky his legs were. Eventually, we were able to get a few sodas in him, and he claimed to be right as rain, but it was pretty scary. I know it’s not right of me to ask him what I can do to help if he ever needed it because if he wanted me to share, he would have told me, but it was a bit hard not to take note of the small, off-white pod attached to his deep almond abdomen when he took his shirt off.

Typically, I’d just look it up in private to confirm my own thoughts, but I don’t get my phone for another few days. For now, though, or until he’s comfortable talking about it, I stopped into a corner store on the way back to our buses to grab some snacks that I think would help if his blood sugar were to drop unexpectedly again. Now I just pray nothing punctures the small juice boxes I put in a plastic bag or the hard fruit candies don’t spill out and stick to anything.

And on top of all of that, despite applying copious amounts of sunscreen, I managed to burn my legs. Goodbye shorts and skirts, hello pants I was saving for the colder climates. I tried to take a page out of Hayley Williams’ style book and go for shorts and fitted tees or crop tops as my go-to stage look - adding in jewelry, belts, tights, whatever to switch up my looks day to day, but now I guess I’ll be looking more like Gwen Stefani circa 1995 with my small shirts and big pants.

The show went off without a hitch and we’re off to Central Point, Oregon now, and hopefully once things get back to normal I can get my tour buddy back.

Rox

***

Girls!!!!

I know you’re both from the east coast, and I am obviously so Midwest, but there is just something about the crisp, Oregon air that makes me long for a different hometown. If I grew up here, beautiful Central Point, I think (in addition to being a major league hippie) I might have led a very different life. It’s strange to think about, and I’m incredibly grateful for my current life, but can you imagine if I was the owner of a quaint crystal shop on the edge of the evergreen forests of this state, or if I hand knit sweaters, tye-dying them all crazy, fun colors to sell to tourists. One pretty prominent radio station, Talk Radio Network, is based here, so maybe I’d still be Rockin’ Roxy out here too…

It’s a quiet town, however, not like Duluth or Los Angeles, and it’s pretty far from Portland. My dad always told me he wanted to visit there - apparently, they have a thriving music community in that town.

That’s all I have in the way of updates. After tonight’s show, we’re on our way back to California to the town of Turlock. Kelly, Gustavo, and I could have been a bit more coordinated when booking shows, but we were desperate enough to take whatever we could get, even if it meant extra travel time.

Extra travel time, however, means I have more time to think about the dumpster fire that is my love life as I am now trapped in a bus with James once again. Maybe he and Logan will play that stupid game again and leave me alone as I write.

Speaking of, here’s a few lines I’m working on. What do you think?

I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by,

Can’t even talk, ‘cause words don’t come into my mind,

I’d make a move if I had the guts to,

But I’m paralyzed

Best,

Roxy

***

Good morning, or evening, or whatever the appropriate time may be,

I’m so sorry I skipped out on letters these past few days, our show turnaround time has been insane, and I’ve been doing my best to keep up with my assistant-ly duties to the best of my ability - meaning I’ve had no time to myself in the last four days. Since I last wrote, we’ve been to Turlock, California, Costa Mesa, California, Kansas City, Missouri, and are presently pulling away from Harrington, Delaware.

A list of things of note for you:

In Turlock, Carlos ran over to me during the show and asked me if I wanted to sing. I said absolutely not and he ran off again. Then in Costa Mesa, he ran up to me during City is Ours and asked me to shout “There they are!” into his microphone after the “We pull up, open the door, all the girls scream-” line, while the rest of the band held theirs out to the crowd. They’re really taking this show and making it theirs, and it’s lovely to see. As I write this, Carlos just informed me I’ll be doing that every night with that big, goofy grin of his that makes it impossible for me to even think about saying no.

We did a radio show in each city, and the questions these interviewers come up with in order to be different from one another are just insane. Though, one of the hosts did ask them if they had anyone special waiting for them back home - it gave Logan a chance to stutter his way around the question (Camille… Make it official with him already!) and Kendall the opportunity to monologue about Jo for, like, five minutes. I would’ve recorded it had I had a device on hand capable of doing so (yeah I’m not done complaining). By the time he was done, the interview had nearly ended, so Carlos squeaked out “I have four special people!” and I think he meant the Jennifers and Stephanie (Is Stephanie back yet?). James (blegh!) said “Anyone willing to wait on me is special,” like the true teen idol he is. Any girl willing to wait on him… I pity her.

My drum lessons started in Kansas City after the band managed to rope Austin into a game of pickup while the buses were unloading. Who puts a basketball hoop outside of a music venue and expects anyone to get anything done? Regardless, it was a lot of fun and Austin is a pretty attentive teacher - far better than grouchy Gustavo when he was going over piano basics. There’s a lot I can learn from him! We also started writing his song, a fun, simple summer song about the beach and girls and whatnot… I’m excited to see this project through with him.

Gustavo and Kelly wrote a note on the daily itinerary sheets they give the band and I that we’re currently headed to Denver, Colorado, where we’ll have two days off from performing to do interviews, radio shows, news slots, the whole nine yards. Apparently, news outlets come to us, not the other way around, and they’re very excited to talk to America’s next top boy band. We’ll be doing a few live acoustic performances as well, meaning the guys and I, on camera, filmed for the whole world to see. Let’s hope I don’t mess up.

Miss you endlessly!

Roxy

***

Greetings from the Mile High City,

The press day, the boys claimed, was “hella exciting” and “beyond epic”... I’d describe it more like “waking nightmare” if anyone bothered to ask me. All they had to do was sit there, look pretty, answer some questions or play silly games, and sing. I, on the other hand, was lost in an endless pile of media release forms for every news outlet to approve, combing through the Gustavo pre-approved questions the interviewers were going to ask the boys, keeping their refreshments well stocked so they never ran out of water and choked on a dry throat when they went to answer questions… My work is never-ending!

Definitely one of the worst days on this tour for me, though, I wouldn’t choose it over having to go back and rewrite Til I Forget About You. Speaking of, in my previous letter I forgot to mention a particularly important line that I keep repeating to myself whenever I find my thoughts unpleasantly flickering to Dak… Or at this point, to James.

I found a place where I can lose myself,

And just leave your memory on the shelf,

See? I’m fine, no, I don’t need nobody else.

The punctuation is subject to change, but for now, I’m quite certain I don’t need anyone else in my life. I’m fine just being Roxy for a while… Even if my thoughts often turn into Roxy and James.

Not to toot my own horn, but the song is very good, and I can’t wait to record it once we get back from tour. I think that’ll be a good point to mark my “getting over it” progress.

Something I forgot to mention about these interviews, that I now realize as we pull away from the Denver venue and off to Eureka, Missouri, is I’m actually learning so much about the band by sitting and listening in. They almost never talk about their lives before Hollywood, because the four of them have (as I learned today) known each other since they were four years old. From first meeting at a Pee-Wee hockey league game all the way to playing varsity hockey at MAHS, they’ve been with each other almost their entire lives. Most of the interviewers ask really good, clear questions, that lead the boys down a path that gets them talking and reminiscing on themselves - something they rarely speak about when the others are around. Today (among other things) I also learned Carlos is fluent in Spanish, Logan was really into ventriloquy in middle school, Kendall is allergic to kiwi, and James is the heir to the Brooke Diamond Cosmetics company.

I should have put two and two together on the last one, he’s insanely beautiful and the last name “Diamond” isn’t exactly very common, but remembering what he’s told me about his mom and now knowing she’s Brooke Diamond?? The Este Lauder of the Midwest?? accounts for a lot of his behavior.

A few years ago, there was a big scandal that hit the front page of all the Duluth papers, news stations, radio waves, etc., claiming that BDC’s top model, and Brooke’s husband, Blake Diamond, was caught having an affair with a woman half his wife’s age. On top of that being insanely disgusting, it was in the news for weeks, announcing the Diamond divorce, explaining the court hearings and who got what, all leading up to Blake and his girlfriend eloping to Vegas and getting married the minute he and Brooke were officially split.

What does that do to a budding teenager? Chew them up and spit them out a completely new person. No wonder James never talks about his parents, or his home(s). The only time I learned something about his family was after the dance when he told me his mom made him break up with his boyfriend and when we were back in Minnesota he vaguely told me his parents were separated.

God, I cannot imagine what that must have/still feels like for him. Knowing that he had Kendall, Logan, and Carlos to help him through it makes me feel better, though.

I think, among other reasons, that might have been why he helped get us back to Hollywood a few days before the big concert. Either returning home to his successful mother as a failure or returning home to stay with a cheater and his new wife…

Phew. That was a long one. Every time I send one of these I can feel the two of you mentally cursing me for my wishy-washy gushy James feelings - trust me, it’s just as exhausting for me to think I’m fine alone one day, then want him so badly the next. Please bear with me while I figure this all out.

Wish you were here,

Roxy

***

Eureka!

Somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Kendall woke me up from my lazy couch nap to tell me he wants to learn how to play the guitar.

“That’s great,” I said. “I’d love to teach you, but all my guitars are strung left-handed.”

Bless his heart, he cocked his head and asked, “Why does that matter?”

“Well. I’m left-handed. You’re not. It’s a completely different learning process.”

“Do you know how many hockey players play left-handed, even though they’re right-hand dominant?”

Of course, I don’t. But, in the small second I had to think about it, I realized that there are plenty of famous guitar players that do that too… kind of. Many left-handed guitar players just learn right-handed because left-hand guitar equipment isn’t produced near as much or to the same quality and standards as right-handed equipment!

Thankfully, my dad is left-handed too, so he knew where to get the proper things in order for me to play when I was little, but it was I who took it upon myself to learn how to restring a guitar to fit my own needs. When I was 12, there was this beautiful oak wood acoustic in the local music shop, but it was strung right-handed. The owner didn’t know how to restring it (claiming no one had ever asked him to before, but I just think he was lazy), so I convinced my dad to buy it, a pack of new strings, and a tool kit, and I took it apart, then put everything back everything completely opposite - worked like a charm, until I sold it a few years later to get my electric acoustic.

In all, I’m excited to teach Kendall but I’ll have to find the time in between my assistant duties and my own drum lessons. The request was a bit out of the blue, however, and I wanted to ask him why, but he was too busy buzzing to Logan about it after I told him yes. Maybe he’s trying to learn a skill that will set him apart from the other band members.

After tonight’s show, we’ve got another one tomorrow before another press day, then a stretch of three more shows back to back. It’ll be tiring, but at least we’re having fun. Playing shows is rewarding beyond measure, and hard for me to put into words, but the connection the band has to their audience is unmatched. The way they can make thousands of people get up and dance, sing, let loose… It’s a beautiful sight - one I’m so lucky to be able to witness almost every night.

Maybe you can find some clips on SnoobTube,

Roxy

***

Girls, I’m running out of clever greetings,

I AM SO TIRED.

Columbus, Ohio, along with being a boring city in the world, also happened to be the same place our press day was taking place - meaning we were there for two days too long. Then, we had our three-day tour stint.

On day one, one of our eighteen-wheelers containing half of the stage set up was late. So, guess who, on top of making sure the boys were situated in their green rooms and had everything they requested, had to assist with tech setup I knew nothing about, got to run the soundcheck almost completely alone, and explain to Gustavo the boys had to go on a few minutes later than anticipated :)

On day two, I learned more about the boys. Maybe I’m being dumb and petty, but I think it’s a bit strange that much of my knowledge of them is now coming from these interviews - they’re sharing important things, that I think as their friend I should have the right to have known about beforehand. They know I’ve been struggling to get good at the piano for months now and guess who I learned has been playing all his life? James. Would it have killed him to maybe offer a helping hand? In addition, I found out Logan’s favorite food is toast. Just… plain toasted bread and butter… Kendall’s dream pet, apparently, is a goat because he misses the one we rented at the School of Rocque so much and Carlos doesn’t think Antarctica is real. I wish I could’ve stopped him before he said that during a live interview, but you win some, and you lose some. I was too busy handling all the paperwork and helping the next news outlet set up to get the interviews done as quickly as possible to get in his way.

On day three, we made it to Clearfield, Pennsylvania, a cute town that runs along a beautiful river I discovered on a walk in the morning. Sometimes being cooped up in a bus all night gets old, so when the boys work out in the morning, I wander as far as I think I can before Gustavo and Kelly realize I’m missing. The show that night was great, but Kendall ripped his pants jumping off one of my amps, and everyone in the first few rows got to see his underwear. I’m not sure he’ll be living that one down for a while.

On day four, we rolled into West Allis, Wisconsin around 6 am, where we were promptly escorted off the bus and into a local radio station, who called Gustavo the previous evening and practically begged for a Big Time Rush live acoustic performance. So, Mick and Austin got to sleep in, while I grabbed my acoustic guitar and drowsily followed the boys into the studio, languishing in the familiar smell of Lake Michigan - So close to Lake Superior back in Duluth! We performed three songs, Big Time Rush, Stuck (of course…), and Any Kind of Guy acoustic. Honestly, my stage skills are getting better with each performance, and I think it’s because the guys make me feel so relaxed when we play together. Whenever I performed with Brand New Day, I was always trying too hard to impress Dani, and more importantly, Mag, so playing always took a ton of effort. But with Big Time Rush, I feel so at ease, and I’m able to let loose and have fun. The only thing that caught me off guard today was James derailing the interview before Stuck to dedicate it to “Any girl who feels like they’re invisible… Don’t worry, I see you.”

Dedicating a song you didn’t even write to a person it’s not even about? Barf. Those words keep rattling around in my brain and I wish I could kick them straight out, but I’ve been dwelling on them for days.

On day five, we took a ferry (!!) to Midland, Michigan, while our eighteen-wheelers had to take the long way around, through Illinois and Indiana. Since our stage equipment didn’t arrive until the later part of the day, I pulled out two of my guitars stored away in Bus 1 in order to give Kendall his first lesson at the venue. Since Carlos bunked with Logan and me the night before, the boys decided to switch buses for a few hours, which meant I had to deal with an insane amount of James' side eye as he went about making his breakfast in the small kitchen.

If he’s got a problem with me hanging around my friends, he’s no better than Dak and I’m certainly not going through that again. He kisses me a few times and now thinks he has some weird possessive thing over me? Absolutely not. I’m just so done with him, I don’t understand how just a month and a half ago we shared a journey that literally altered the course of our lives, and now, here he is, acting as though it meant nothing to him.

Maybe I need to get out of the celebrity dating pool - if this tour has taught me anything it certainly is the fact that all my friends are famous and I am not.

Yeah. What a downer of a letter this turned into,

Roxy

***

Send lots of caffeine and my giant stuffy puppy to Fairlea, West Virginia, please!

I’m too exhausted to write out a better greeting, so this letter begins with the truth. There were many times over the last three days I sat down to write this, but every day I ended up falling asleep in the middle. Last night, Logan had to physically remove the pen from my hand while I slept as I was apparently in danger of poking my eye out.

In three days we’ve been to Hamburg, New York, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Peru, Illinois. Another day without seeing the Big Apple, another day in a big city that makes me miss Los Angeles, and another day in a city where if the name and state weren’t written down on our call sheets I might be so tiredly deluded I think we’re in a different country.

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James are natural-born performers. I, on the other hand, am starting to believe that I may not be cut from a similar cloth. Something inside of them keeps them on the go, go, go, and I would love to know just what it is that makes them tick. The only thing keeping me motivated right now is getting to hear the crowd sing along to my songs every single night. It sounds a bit cheesy to write out, but it’s true! To know all of our hard work writing, recording, and rehearsing, is paying off and reaching corners of the U.S. we didn’t even know existed! And that people are buying our album… So I’ll have a nice cushion of a retirement plan when I’m older…

That, and my lessons of course! Austin has been so cool about helping me learn the drums, and I think I’m getting pretty good even though I’ve only had a few moments of practice. That, and we even had enough time to work on our song more, which is surprisingly almost complete… That boy can write! My goal is to write a drum section for one of my songs all by myself. Normally, Gustavo is able to take my lyrics and guitar melodies and write in drums, bass, piano, or whatever else we think is necessary to execute our grand vision, so for once, I’d like to fill in a new instrument and save him some time which would probably also equate to saving him some time yelling at our other band members.

Guitar lessons with Kendall have been going well too, though I’m not sure he’s very fond of me as a teacher. I’ve struggled to put together little exercises for him to practice because I barely remember learning guitar myself. Maybe I can talk to my dad about it on our next call.

Oh! And Carlos and I invented a game today!

We call it Honk Bonk, and you play it exactly how it sounds. Any time a car in traffic honks, you bonk the closest person on the head with something near you. My weapon of choice, of course, is my journal, and the boys are already used to bonking from that, though someone did honk during Kendall’s lesson today… I was tempted but alas, he needs to stay pretty so he can date my best friend. And sell more albums.

I hope you’re both well, I can’t wait to get back home to see you,

Roxy

***

Panicking! I spent all of today panicking!

This morning, Logan and Kendall shook me awake around 3 am to tell me that it was James’ birthday. TODAY.

I had a few thoughts on this. 1. Why didn’t any of the band mention this until we were three hours into the day? 2. Where the hell am I supposed to get party supplies on a moving bus rolling into Fairlea, West Virginia? 3. How am I going to survive an entire day centered around the guy I’m doing my very best not to think about? 4. Is James mature enough to be the first of us to turn seventeen?

Thank God James was on the other bus because if he had heard the ideas Logan, Kendall, and I had in order to surprise James the minute we stopped at the next venue…

Here was what we came up with:

If you cut up little pieces of colored paper, it kinda looks like confetti. The colored paper in question? Three of the front and back covers of books Logan had brought and finished in the first part of the tour. Kendall had to physically restrain him as I did this.

I’m a songwriter - when in a pinch, write a song. The three of us quickly devised a little spin on the traditional happy birthday song to surprise James with on stage later that blends into the traditional song everyone knows. Hopefully, an entire stadium of people singing to him is a good enough gift.

We can take old tour itineraries from the previous towns, a Sharpie, and some of the bungee chords holding our equipment down during travel to make a HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES banner.

The bus was stocked with enough items to make Oreo Fluff salad, thanks to the miracle that is pudding cups, but not a real cake… He seemed to enjoy it when he came to tell me we were going back to L.A. after a few hours in Duluth. I don’t have any green food coloring, however, so it was boring black and white.

A sub point - around 6 am I begged the bus driver, Henrietta, to let me use her phone and call a Fairlea local bakery and express order a cake to bring out on stage. I also managed to call the venue and ask them to pick up some cupcakes to be waiting in the green room when we arrived and put up any party supplies they had on hand.

It was exhausting, like most things on this tour I guess, but once we rolled into town everything had been squared away, our efforts were well worth it.

Did you know that when James smiles, like really smiles, he has the most adorable dimples that carve right into his cheeks?

A smile that makes me breathless. A smile that remained on his face all day as we surprised him with our homemade banner, confetti, and treats. A smile plastered on his face the entire show, especially when we surprised him with our song, cake, and the entire crowd sang him happy birthday.

When the show ended, the band freshened up and went to meet some fans out by the front of the venue, and I had to run back into the bus and record my journal entry and write this letter, as I currently am before they came back.

My journal entry contained the word “James” like 40 times.

GOD! He ignores me almost all of the tour, speaking to me only about the essentials or whatever's going on around us on our days off, I finally decide he isn’t into me and I should just chill out for a bit, and now I’m suddenly all about him again. Maybe it’s just because I’m around him literally every day… Maybe it’s because I felt a hint of (healthy! Definitely healthy!) jealousy when he looked at everyone singing to him on stage and in the crowd except for me… Ugh.

We’re on for another multi-day stretch of shows, so please forgive me for fewer letters as the days go on,

Roxy

***

Look I know I said I’d be sending fewer letters but I NEED to tell you guys this.

After arriving in Farmingville, New York, around 9ish in the morning, I was abruptly awoken to the sound of Gustavo yelling at the band about who knows what. Apparently, this pissed them off so much they came storming onto my bus, told me to get ready as fast as I could, and thirty minutes later we were sneaking out of the venue and into a taxi that drove us right into the heart of Manhattan.

We messed around the city for the ENTIRE DAY and Gustavo had no way of finding us since he had our phones. Finally, we got to be the tourists instead of the attraction, before getting back to the venue before the show started.

Once the taxi dropped us off right outside of Time Square, Logan had the brilliant idea for each of us to pick one thing we wanted to do, and do our best to complete them before the end of the day. The list is as follows:

Kendall wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building

Logan wanted to visit the Morgan Library

Carlos wanted to see Spider-Man

James (after loudly complaining we couldn’t see something on Broadway) wanted to take a sightseeing cruise around the bay to see the Statue of Liberty

I wanted to see the musical instrument display at the MET and I convinced everyone to join me for a lunch picnic in Central Park.

Today was literally perfect, though I did feel a bit bad about leaving Austin and Mick back at the venue to run the soundcheck without me.

Besides admiring the thousands of advertisements roving around the Square, the first thing we did was hit the Morgan Library. The architecture was just breathtaking and it was amazing to see the carefully curated collection of historical documents. They even had musical manuscripts and printed forms of music from nearly one hundred years ago… I wonder how a boy band in 1909 would look… Or if my journals will be on display in 2109… Scary!

Not as scary as the top of the Empire State Building, though!

It was so cold and windy up there, even in the middle of the summer. I practically had to cling to Carlos’ arm to feel even a little bit stable, but of course, he wanted to get right up to the very edge of the building and look straight down. Kendall and Logan wanted to join him (one to spit off the edge and the other to try and calculate how far away the second tallest building in NY was) so I got passed off to James. Would it have killed him to put his arm around me and tell me it would be alright? Jesus. He just stood there, silently looking off into the distance while I clutched at his arm. Message received: He isn’t into me.

The rest of the day was fun and I wanted to write more but now I’m a bit sad after writing that. All I really want to do is go to bed now; I’ll tell you about it when we meet again, I guess.

Roxy

***

Daddy,

Tour is hard. So hard. And I feel so stupid for thinking that I was cut out for this kind of thing. Songwriters are for the studio, not the stage. I’ve spent so much time around the guys I’m starting to go crazy. You and I always talked about traveling if we had the money, and let me tell you one day per city is hardly enough to even say that I’ve been here. It’s not cross-country exploration if I haven’t explored five minutes past the closest coffee shop because I can barely keep my eyes open without caffeine.

I’m constantly tired. My back hurts from sleeping on the couch. My fingers are so sore. My eyes are dry from the incessant spotlight lighting us up for thousands of people every night. The next person to ask me for something might get their head bitten off if they don’t say “please?”

Just because I’m an assistant doesn’t mean I get to be walked all over.

The applause is nice though, hearing everyone sing along to my songs even in parts of the country I’ve never even heard of… Maybe that’s enough to get me to Duluth.

I can’t wait to see you. Sorry for the depressing letter, I’m having a hard time being away from both of my homes.

Promise you’ll listen to the setlist before you see us?

I hope I’m making you proud,

Roxanne

***

Hi.

The shows in Lima, Ohio, and Falcon Heights, Minnesota were great. Our friends are just so talented. It was hard being so close to Duluth, and I invited my dad to the show last minute, but he wasn’t able to make it.

We’re driving to Essex, Vermont now - 13 hours into a 20-hour journey.

The weather out here has been awful, it’s been thunder storming nonstop, so we haven’t been making as many stops as we usually have. Just my luck I’m stuck with Logan and James, and I’ve been writing a song all day.

It’s a song for James’ invisible girls… More accurately, a song full of words I wish he would say to me.

Am I out of mind, or just invisible?

Anyway. It’s been extra hard to write because the two of them were sitting less than three feet away from me the entire time. They’re both so nosey, consciously or not and kept looking over at me. I could tell they wanted to ask me about it, but at least they were respectful enough not to.

It’s got a really beautiful guitar melody, but I’d love to get my hands on my keyboard back home because I have a cool idea for a backing track… Never thought I’d be excited to play the piano but here I am, itching to play it thousands of miles from home.

We play Boston, Massachusetts in a few days, and the boys kept talking about wanting to hit up a pizza place in the city that they visited during one of their hockey tournaments a few years ago. At this point, I’m just trying to get through the next 7 hours. That’s when we get to the next venue, though we have to take a day off from the show tomorrow. Not only is it Carlos’ birthday, but it’s the day of Hawk and Rebecca’s trial. Sweet, sweet seventeen spent reminiscing one of the worst moments of our entire lives. Whoo whoo.

In other depressing news, after coming to the realization that I like James, but he doesn’t like me, it’s been extra hard to be around him. Mostly I just hang out with Austin and beat out my frustration on his drum kit… The last 13 hours have been like hell. Every time James smiles, it makes me want to. His laugh rings in my ears, sending a jolt straight through my heart. Whenever he gets up to walk by me, it takes everything in me not to stare as he moves about the bus.

It’s exhausting… Having a crush on someone is supposed to be fun. I’m supposed to feel like I’m walking on air, and glow, and sparkle, and shine. Instead, I feel like shit.

Truly, I guess I don’t really know him like I thought I did. What happened to the always flirty, unserious, loverboy who took me on a date our first month in Los Angeles?

I think I blew my chance with him once I met Dak, and I think I hate myself for it.

Exhausted and missing home,

Roxy

***

Happy birthday, happy trial day,

I hope you’ll be pleased to know that Hawk and Rebecca will be going away for a long time. We tried to celebrate Carlos’ birthday with cupcakes at the venue, but no one had an appetite after our Skype trial. To try and lighten the mood, I played a few songs he showed me at the beginning of the tour on my guitar, but I could tell as he absently sang along it wasn’t really helping.

Though, in other news that I shouldn’t be happy about, James spoke to me today unprompted and asked if I was okay after my testimony. Apparently, I was speaking quite shakily… Which, yeah. I was fucking kidnapped and asked to recount it in front of a room full of people I don’t know, of course, I was shaky. But at least he was thinking about me.

Maybe he needs signs or cues or reasons to act or something… Weirdo.

Anyway, we’ll bring a cake out for Carlos during the show tomorrow and have the crowd sing for him. Hopefully, he’s in better spirits tomorrow.

This was a weird letter, I know. Life’s weird recently, but thanks for reading. Miss you two.

Roxy.

***

Carlos fucking Garcia has been reading my mail. I’m convinced of it! Because tonight, when the band did the little introduction of their musical accompaniment, Carlos introduced me, walked right up to me, planted to sweetest, wettest, loudest kiss onto my cheek, and told me he loved me in front of the whole crowd.

When I told him I loved him back, we got some “awwws” (mostly “boooos” that I’m choosing to ignore) and continued the show.

Then.

When the show ended.

James grabbed my hand, dragged me off towards the back door of the venue, onto some side street alley where we couldn’t hear the crowds of people leaving the show anymore, and asked me if I wanted to make out.

A reason to act! Carlos telling thousands of people he loved me was a reason to act!

So.

We made out in a dirty, smelly alley and I think it was the best night of my entire life… Besides the five seconds I’m pretty sure a rat touched my foot.

There is hope yet,

Roxy

P.S.

When I got back to the bus I was buzzing so bad I told Logan everything. That I liked James, that we kissed, that we kissed some more, that I think about him all the time, that I’ve written one and a half songs about him already.

I’m in so deep at this point… And all Logan did was grin at me - stupid, dumb grin - and say “Finally,” before heading off to his bunk to sleep.

Camille, I hate your almost-boyfriend and I’m drawing all over his face in Sharpie tonight.

***

Oops,

Not to leave you two on a cliffhanger but the last month of tour has been so insane I haven’t even had a minute to myself to write (letters or otherwise), think, or even just take a breather in a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

The rockstar lifestyle is hard to get used to… Hopefully, we budget more off days for future tours or I might go crazy.

To answer the question I know is on your minds: No. Nothing else happened with me and James, though he does actually sit down and talk to me now (even if it’s mostly work-related, I’ll take it). We toured all throughout most of the other states in the country, I’d write them all here but I lost track after Boston if I’m being honest. Though I do know that at one point we were in Phoenix, Arizona and Kendall accidentally said “Hello, Las Vegas!” to the entire stadium.

MSG was insane. Best venue I’ve ever been to, the best crowd we’ve ever had, and the second-best night of my life.

As I write to you now, we’re about to play our last show in Duluth, Minnesota, before our three-day journey home. I’ve got a bunch of silly string to prank the boys with on stage during their solo sets… They won’t even know what hit them!

My dad finally got to meet the guys, though I’m not sure he liked any of them but he was kind enough - but what father would like the four boys his daughter is best friends with? I have no idea why he keeps calling James “Jay” but whatever. After the show ended I snuck him out of the venue and showed him our buses, and trucks for stage set up, and let him meet Mick and Austin as well - Austin even performed his song for my dad… His first audience member!

Safe to say, he loved Austin’s number, but how he felt about everything else, he didn’t share on his face like normal. I like to think I’m pretty good at deciphering how my father feels at this point in my life, but he kept his expressions at bay as we walked around everything we had waiting for us outside. I hope it didn’t put him off or something, considering I know that being a musician was his dream, too. What he did say was: “You shared this bus with two boys?” and “Which guitars are you using, Honey Bun? You deserve only the best.”

Dads.

I also got to meet Logan and Carlos’ families! (Minus James’... I felt really bad for him that his parents weren’t there…) Logan’s moms were so sweet - overly doting on him, fixing up his outfit, practically smothering him with health facts and tips. I think one of his moms is a realtor, while the other is a doctor, which would explain Logan’s want to be a doctor himself. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s a pediatrician. She gave off the vibe she’d be amazing with kids. It must have been so wonderful to grow up in that household :)

Since I’d already met Carlos’ dad, Mr. Garcia was kind enough to introduce me to his wife and three daughters. Genetics work in mysterious ways, blessing each of the Garcia children with the same dark hair and alluring eyes. It was hard to tell sisters Maria, Lupe, and Alena apart, but after talking to them a bit I was able to find some differences. They all followed me on ScuttleButter, so maybe we’ll talk more in the future. I loved getting to know them! Mrs. Garcia and her son also share a lot of the same mannerisms - they’re both curious, caring, and just a bit ADHD. The two of them spent most of their time together with the girls, pointing out different things about the venue, sharing stories from their time away from each other, and the coolest part was their switching back and forth from English to Spanish depending on if they wanted their conversations to be overheard or not.

At one point I think they were talking about me (and James) but I can’t be sure. Maybe if I’d taken Spanish in school instead of French my freshman year…

I wish Mrs. Knight had been there, but Kendall and James kept themselves occupied by talking sports with my dad. For a bit, Dad and Kendall talked about guitars after mentioning that I was teaching him how to play, leaving James out of the loop, so I went over and struck up a conversation with him.

Normal. That’s what we are - or more accurately what our relationship is - though, I think he looks at me a bit differently now. There’s no evidence to that last statement, I just feel his eyes on me sometimes and it makes my chest flutter. I much prefer being friends (who made out) that are able to be around each other, than whatever his weird, “ignore Roxy” game was.

The show’s in 10, so we need to start walking to the stage!

I loved writing to you two, but I can’t wait to get back to talking face-to-face. I’m in dire need of a girl’s night.

See you soon (for real this time),

Roxy <3

--

A little change of pace before season two! Thanks for reading :) Support for this story has been overwhelming!

Since school is starting back up, I'm going to be switching back to posting every two weeks instead of every week. <3 

Season two starts September 5th, but I'll do my best to post little one-shots and such on my tumblr, so check over there every once and a while :)

[rumor-weed]

Links to My Other Muses!

Audrey “Rumor” Weed - My Main Blog! You Are Here! But also check out the blog, it’s got a lot of fun links/little fun bonus bits. Here to spread rumors, gossip, and party hard til the last day. Her best friends are Bob the Tomato and Petunia Rhubarb. Petunia makes sense, they have a history, but Bob? One can only wonder how long they've known each other. They're on a bowling league together, and she loves it. She's very competitive, just probably not the best bowler. She may have sold Jollies, but we forgot to do anything with that plotline so who knows.

Bartlebey the Butler - Oh, Bartlebey. How beloved your bartleblogging has become. You scamp. You scallywag. You may be a Lovecraftian horror who vaguely resembles and sounds like Tim Curry, but is also a Veggie, a Butler, and Bartlebey, but you’re our Lovecraftian horror. Rescued from a few mentions on a dead blog, we made you our own. In fact, really, the only thing we kept was the only information given: your name and occupation. Now we know so much about you! Well... we know more than we did before, anyway. And that information can be found on the provided Veggie Lore page on the blog, if you don’t feel like sifting through all the RP logs. He is madly in love with Charlie Pincher. One could even say he's Charlie Pincher's dream come true. Maybe he is. He doesn't know where he came from, and his memories all seem fabricated. Was he ever real to begin with?

Phil Winklestein - the Toledian actor best known for being Frankencelery, potentially the next great musical playwright? probably not, though. Just really, really attracted to tomatoes for some reason. He's awkward, uncomfortable, and genuinely a little pathetic. A real "poor little meow meow" of a guy, or whatever you call them. He tries too hard to impress and it often backfires on him.

Peter Pepperazzi - the sleaziest Pepper you’ve ever met. He gives off dark, unsettling vibes, and nobody knows quite why he’s so obsessed with the Veggies, but when they became active again the summer of ‘23, he showed up as well, ready to ask questions. Does he seem a little obsessed with Petunia more than the others? What's his angle? Does he look familiar? He says he has a kid. Does he have any other family around?

Lovey Asparagus - poor, sweet Lovey. Went through an awful period of marriage, murdered divorced her husband, and yet he came back anyway, denying any knowledge of the worst of their relationship. She’s a Vampire now and her best friend is Jerry Gourd, so you know we’re following canon VeggieTales very closely. Only source material here, folks. She may have murder a little deeper in her veins than we think, and as her relationship with Archibald - at least, the one who returned - heals, she's considering solving murders and doing a true crime podcast with him. Just as best friends instead of lovers, this time.

Nebby K Nezzer - The man, the myth, the looks-67-but-is-actually-37 zucchini with a rotten love life. The Incident at Glee Club Finals may have been what aged him so drastically overnight, but nobody knows for sure. Rumor has it that he's actually Wally P. Nezzer pretending to be his twin brother Nezzer, but how long has he pretended? He seems to know too well the life of his brother Nebby. Is he more Nebby K. Nezzer than Wally P. Nezzer now?

Art Bigotti - revived famous bowler Art Bigotti, a once-wild party animal who has softened his edge with world-weary bleakness after a game of Jumanji gone wrong. Well, wrong for him. The game probably meant to do that. Either way, he returned forty years later, still the same age he was the night of the Incident. There are many questions left unanswered for him, and drugs, alcohol, and bowling just don’t seem to be the solution they once were in his golden days. His unrequited love for Dad Asparagus is obvious to pretty much everybody except Dad Asparagus, much to his distress and relief. Disrelief? Restress? There's a lot of highs and lows in bowling and love. They have that in common.

Laura Carrot - the child actor/criminal who Uno and Goliath believe murdered Uno’s parents in a Hot Topic. She did it. But don’t tell the cops I said that! She’s just an eight year old with a dream. A dream to own her own getaway truck one day. If only the world would stop getting in the way of that dream... Junior's her best friend, she may have killed Lenny, and she complains a lot about her dad. We never hear much about the rest of the people in her life, and maybe that's for the best.

Goliath Gottik - dated Uno in his younger days, though after the Incident, it became clear that Uno was suffering a severe breakdown and refused to grow, staying mentally in 2006 for the last seventeen years. He became a professional boxer, cameo’d on VeggieTales, and recently became more active in acting. Because of the whole Laura thing, he doesn’t really trust kids and believes they’re all criminal masterminds. He's not really smart enough to stop seeking medical advice from his veterinarian-combo-doctor Dr. Larry, which does lead to some wacky situations. He's constantly annoyed by his doctor, but maybe he thinks of their situation as friends, maybe as enemies, or maybe just really confusing frenemies. Seriously Goliath, why are you still going to him for medical advice? God forbid you actually need real medical help one day, it may be the death of you.

Pa Grape - Uno’s adoptive father. Tom and Rosie just aren’t around any more, they live out of state, and they never visit. Ma? Well, Ma seems to have gone a long time ago, and Pa doesn’t mention it. If you ask him, he’ll just faintly smile and allude to the fact that she’s been gone a while, a little sorrowfully. And sure, that looks like confirmation that she’s passed, but she could just be on a very long vacation, or they could be divorced, and who even knows. Pa’s been losing his memory lately as he ages, and he does his best to get by with the help of Uno, who needs to let go of the past and accept the way things have changed to heal in time to appreciate his father. Pa Grape also was front-man for Three Days Grace Period, a Three Days Grace cover band. His wife may be a car? Seriously, his wives are definitely a confusing subject, and I don't trust Pa Grape, even if his cover band was kind of cool.

Shannon Cedric “Uno” Scallion, or, Alternatively: Nameless Scallion/Scallion Number 1 - Yeah, he’s goff. He writes fanfic. It’s always 2006 for this scallion, who seems unaware of time passing, though Pa is helping him through his emotions and pulling him out of Emo Hell. He’s worried for his adoptive father, who despite his emo ‘you’re not my real dad’ attitude, he genuinely loves and sees as his dad. He’s embarrassed by the name Shannon (not goff enough), used to go by Cedric before The Incident, and then eventually settled on ‘Uno’ as an appropriate substitute. He's starting to catch up on time, or maybe time is catching up on him, and he's recognizing Pa Grape's aging and falling back into his old self - pre-incident. (I manage this blog with the permission of the owner, who has currently abandoned the project due to unforeseen drama in his life. He did promise to possibly add more ‘secrets’ to the blog, if you know what to look for in the URLs, and might return to his fanfics soon.)

Kilt “Bagpipe” Rhubarb - You know him. That Scottish or maybe Irish lad. And if you don’t? Send him some asks and get to know him. He's a Yale man, a redheaded rhubarb who's inexplicably flirtatious and a little horny. Before Archibald came back, everybody knew him as "that fella Archibald cheated on his wife with". Also a general menace to their society. He's not who he says he was, but who is he then?

Tom Grape - He just wants to be left alone. Why don’t you bother him with some asks?

Egg Boy - He likes Eggs. What else do you need to know? An orphan who wants to know who his parents were, and is also a biter/has sharp teeth like a shark. For a few years he thought his father might be at the bottom of the sea...

Vicki Cucumber - like, ugh, whatever 🙄 she's over it. she's done. She's not even all that into him, and maybe she's just trying to cover up her feelings for someone else. Or maybe she's madly in love with both of them. Or neither of them. It's so not your business.

Scooter Carrot - he’s hip, he’s Scottish, some kids call him oddball, some kids call him weird…

Mr. Beet - Not to be confused with his brother, Mr. Beast, Mr. Beet runs a hotel and generally is pretty pissed off all the time. Maybe there's a dramatic backstory his episode didn't cover, but we'll sure figure it out if we ever get around to focusing on our many many characters. Seriously. Look at this list. This is just Ryan's (me) list. You know how many characters I plan to ADD to it?

Joetato Jonas - star of Camp Rock 2: the Final Jam and Head Brother of the Jonas Brothers. He just wants to be appreciated for being famous! He's THE Jonas Brother!

[jadedrrose]

I need number 3 and 11 of the ask 👀👀

The answer to 3 may be obvious…. But it’s Pirates of the Caribbean (all 3 original lol)

No but actually…. Definitely POTC Dead Men’s Chest if I had to pick only one of them…. And for the other 2 movies, I’d go with The Sound of Music and…. I guess either Steel Magnolias or That Thing You Do? For some reason I always end up watching the first with my mom after I have a shitty day (it’s always on during those specific days for some reason) and the ladder I haven’t rewatched yet but I LOVED it the first time I watched it.

As for 11….. this might turn out to be an essay tbh (I’ll try to keep it short lmao)….

Romance for me is weird. Like, I think I know what I’d want and yet I’ve never even had a chance to experience it or find out. But… from what I can sort of tell, it would probably be insanely difficult for me to find someone willing to match me lol. As in, I am not affectionate whatsoever (except for with my pets), so I wouldn’t be into hugging/kissing/sex. Hugs I could get used to maybe, idk. I struggle with saying “I love you” to literally everyone I know, which would probably turn a lot of men off if I couldn’t tell them so, even if I really did lol. And I won’t even consider being romantic in public. Nope. Never.

What I’m basically saying is… I am not a romantic person. Unless being infatuated with animated fictional men and writing stories for them counts? But…. I think this is more of a real life question.

For me, what would be “romantic” is spending time together, listening without judging and them showing me that they care in ways that aren’t just kissing or whatever. And also them accepting me how I am (like I will always have a pink themed bedroom idc, and I will always choose my pets over a random guy. Silly things like that)

But still… I don’t know. Because there are days where I catch myself daydreaming, sort of wishing maybe one day I can find a nice guy to marry, maybe to even have a kid with? To be the perfect couple everyone always talks about, yknow? And yet, I seem to always change my mind when I remember the amount of trust I’d have to place in that person. There’s too many things that could go wrong, and I’m way too private of a person to have multiple relationships like that.

ANYWAY…. I am sorry. That got too long lmao. But I think it answers the question? It’s probably insanely different than what you guys would expect from me, given the content I write lol.

also thank you for sending an ask!!!!!!! <3

[jmagnabo92]

It's A Twin Thing Ch 8

Jeremy and Sam have a conversation that may lead to him staying a bit longer at the B&B.

AO3

***

            Jeremy isn’t surprised to find his brother asleep with his girlfriend in her room with Flower.  In fact, he’d been expecting it, hence, deciding to spend the early morning hours drawing the two of them together.  He always enjoyed drawing a sleeping Trevor, the one that isn’t putting up a front, just his natural relaxed self.  

            He loves it.  

            No façade, no pretending, just the real Trevor.  The Trevor that few people actually get to see.

            Even dead, he barely lets his true self show except on occasion.  His discussion with Hetty had illuminated that. Still, he hopes that his presence and the stories regarding Trevor would help him be able to be himself.  

            Maybe then, he’ll be even happier here.  Especially since he’ll probably be here for at least a few more decades. Jeremy’s pretty sure that Trevor will ascend when Jeremy does, but as promised, he’s not exactly planning on that anytime soon.

            Of course, he might’ve already found peace with his girlfriend.  They certainly seem cozy together.

            “What are you doing?” Sam asks, quietly from the left.  

            He jumps slightly, not expecting her (or anyone) to be awake at four-thirty in the morning.

            “Uh, sketching,” Jeremy states, just as quiet.  “What are you doing up?”

            Sam shrugs.  “Couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t ignore Flower and Thor going at it anymore.  Figured I’d do some writing when I might actually have peace to write.”

            “The ghosts drive you crazy?” Jeremy asks, gesturing away from the room.  The last thing he wants is to wake anyone, especially if Sam thinks she could do some writing.  

            Sam nods as they begin walking downstairs.  “It’s not that I don’t appreciate my ghost family or as Jay likes to call then ‘our eight idiot kids’ –” 

            At this, Jeremy bursts out laughing.  “Very fitting.”

            “Extremely fitting,” Sam agrees.  “Anyway, it’s not that I don’t get it – it’s not like they have much going on, but do you know how annoying it is to have backseat writers all the time?  I mean, sometimes, you just get the words out and then edit stupid mistakes later, but they’re all like ‘missing comma’, ‘that’s spelled wrong’, ‘you should really rephase that’, etc.”

            Jeremy laughs as they enter the kitchen and Sam begins making tea after placing her computer on the counter.  “In my experience, you just have to assert yourself and stand by it.”

            “Oh?  I thought you learned to ignore them?”

            “I did,” Jeremy says, as he sits with his sketchpad.  “But it took years and those that were aware that I have this ability before I learned to ignore them obviously weren’t going to let me pretend that I didn’t see them.  They were too excited.”

            “That makes sense,” Sam says, as she sits across from him.  “I know the ghosts here were over the moon about my ability – well, after we agreed that I wasn’t leaving.  They just don’t seem to understand that sometimes I need to be alone.”

            “And that’s where asserting yourself comes in,” Jeremy states.  “For example, Stanley, who lives in my studio, knows that he can’t just talk to me whenever I’m in the zone with a painting.  He knows that music is one thing, having him talk to me about how I’m using the wrong colors or ‘not another painting of your brother’ is not acceptable.”

            Sam laughs.  “Are all of your paintings of your brother?”

            “No, but most of them are,” Jeremy admits.  “It used to be somewhat more even.  I’d draw whatever I saw that day – someone walking on the street, the sunset over the road, the clouds with different designs, and then, Trevor or our parents or our friends.  I once had a girlfriend, who was determined to be my muse and would get upset that I drew him, instead.”

            “I imagine she felt second-best…”

            “He’s my twin brother, literally the other half of my soul,” Jeremy counters.  “While it’s not true for every set of twins, we’re not the only ones to feel that way.  In fact, the other woman that can see ghosts – Emma, she said that she felt the same way about Sutton – her identical twin sister, who is currently a ghost in upstate New York.”

            “I suppose that must’ve been hard to find someone then?”

            Jeremy chuckles.  “Yes and no.  I was never – I am not really interested in a relationship, but I did find someone who understood, it just took a little longer especially because his death hit me so hard.”

            Sam looks down.  “I guess I never realized what it’d be like for your family… when your parents came here, it was hard on Trevor, but I can’t imagine…”

            Jeremy nods.  He didn’t really want to think about it.  Instead, he refocuses on sketching.  

            “Anyway, the ghosts – for obvious reasons – like that you can do things for them that otherwise they can’t do, but you just have to assert yourself.  Like you attempted to do with the ghosts’ election.”

            Sam laughs as she takes care of pouring the tea.  “Yeah, because that worked so well the first time.”

            He laughs as he accepts his cup.  “Well, maybe you should just pick someone that you know is more understanding about stuff.  Someone who’s only made you look like an idiot like a couple of times and that had to do with his doucheface ex-boyfriend and our parents accidently coming to visit.”

            “He dated Ari?” Sam asks, surprised.  Then she shakes her head.  “That explains a lot.  And I suppose you’re right.  He has probably been the best about not making me look like an idiot.  Everyone else certainly hasn’t.”

            “You just have to put your foot down,” Jeremy states.  “And stick to it, especially if it affects your work.”

            “Speaking of your work – your drawings and paintings are fairly amazing.”

            “Thank you,” Jeremy smiles.  “I appreciate the compliment.”

            “And I’m thinking – you know, Jay was really excited to see some of these drawings … it kind of lets him see more of the ghosts and feel connected to them…”

            “Uh-huh?”

            “And well, I bet the ghosts would love to be represented here in the house…”

            Jeremy chuckles.  “Are you asking me to paint pictures of the ghosts to put up?”

            Sam’s slight excitement deflates.  “You think it’s a dumb idea?”

            “No, of course not.”

            “Then why are you laughing?”

            “Because I’m just imagining the early years of Stanley complaining that my paintings aren’t right when I tried to paint him,” Jeremy states.  

            Sam gives him a confused look.

            “Stanley owned the studio before me.  He wanted to be remembered and etched in stone on the studio, so I agreed to paint him…”

            “Oh God, it didn’t go well?”

            “Not at all.  I must’ve tried to paint him a dozen times, but he always claimed that I didn’t ‘capture’ him right,” Jeremy states.  “But if you’d like – I can give it a try.  If only because it gives me an excuse to be here longer and heckle my brother.”

            “I heard that,” Trevor states as he leans in the doorway.  

            Jeremy grins.  “Didn’t see you there, T.  What are you doing up?”

            “I heard you whispering and was curious.”

            “So, you’re just hiding and spying?” Jeremy questions.  “Don’t you know the phrase ‘curiosity killed the cat’?”

            “I’m not a cat and I’m already dead, J.”

            “You two are ridiculous,” Sam comments with a laugh.

            Trevor grins.  “For the record, I think it’s a great idea because I think it’s going to be utterly hilarious to watch you trying to paint people you’ve been painting for ages knowing how specific they all are.”

            “Better or worse than Stanley?”

            “Have you met them?  Far worse, but I’m going to get a kick out of it.”

            Jeremy laughs.  “I’m sure you will.”

            “Does that mean it’s a yes?” Sam questions.

            Jeremy nods.  “It never hurts to try.”

            “You’re so going to eat those words.”

            “We’ll see.”

***

            Trevor can’t help laughing as Jeremy huffs, again, at the rather particular comments coming from Alberta about the painting of her because she had insisted on being first.  

            “Alberta, haven’t you ever heard of not correcting the artist?”

            “You’re not capturing the essence that is Alberta Haynes,” Alberta counters, just as huffy.  

            “You do realize that all of you have been in paintings that I’ve been doing for twenty years… I know what I’m doing.”

            “You haven’t been painting me you’ve been painting your brother…”

            “And you don’t think you appeared?” 

            “Fine!  You may have been painting me for years, but you’ve been doing it wrong.”

            “Or you’re just being ridiculously anal and need to stop.”

            “I never imagined that Alberta would be the anal one,” Flower states.  “Thought that would be Hetty for sure.”  

            Trevor barely managed to keep his laughter in check because Hetty had given him a look that said, ‘Don’t you dare make a joke’.  

            “I’m not anal,” Alberta counters.  “You’re just getting me wrong.”

            “I’m not getting you wrong!”

            “And besides, if anyone’s anal here it’s Hetty.”

            “Excuse me, Alberta, but I have not said a word.  So how can I do anal?” Hetty questions, which causes them all to burst out laughing.

            Hetty looks at him confused, and Trevor says, “The word is ‘be’ – how can I be anal.”

            “What is wrong with ‘do anal’?” Hetty asks, still confused.

            “I – uh, it’s the phrase people would use for like … Ari and I having sex.”  She still looks confused, so he says, “I’ll explain later.”  Then he clears his throat.  “And Alberta, as funny as it is to see you heckle my brother – he’s extremely talented and he’s captured you perfectly.”

            “He has not!”

            Trevor gives a pleading look to Flower, who says, “You know, Alberta, I think it’s time to chase the butterflies.”

            “Flower…”

            “Come on now,” Flower says, grabbing her hand and leading her away.  “You know the rules – if it’s time to chase the butterflies … you have to come with me.”

            Alberta huffs, but doesn’t resist and a moment later, they’re outside.

            Jeremy gives him a look.  “Somehow, worse than Stanley.”

            “I’m pretty sure you expected that,” Trevor states with a smile.  “Still, I think you captured her well.  Maybe you should tell her about the paintings you’ve sold.  Might remind her that you’re a famous artist.”

            Jeremy hums.  “Although I probably shouldn’t tell her I sold one to creepy Todd.”

            “You sold a painting of Alberta to Creepy Todd?” Hetty questions.

            “Well, I – I didn’t know who he was at the time,” Jeremy states.  “He bought the painting ages before he ever visited Woodstone mansion.”

            Hetty tilts her head in confusion.  Obviously, not sure how it made sense.

            “It was a painting of Alberta singing.  Ironically, without the audience being interested,” Trevor explains.  “Right before Sam returned from the hospital.”

            “Oh, I remember that.  You were taking up the whole couch.”

            Trevor laughs.  “You chose to sit on the armrest.”

            “Because you chose to take up the whole couch,” Hetty says, moving closer to him.  

            “Not true.  I only spread out because I could – no one joined me,” Trevor states, so close that they could reach out and kiss.  

            “Maybe they would have if you had not spread yourself all over the couch,” Hetty states, pretending like it even matters at this point.  She doesn’t really care; he knows that, and she knows that.  She’s just trying to rile him up and it’s working.  

            “I did not spread myself anywhere.”

            They continue to banter back and forth for a few minutes, getting closer and closer together before suddenly they’re kissing.  Neither of them are paying any attention to where they are or anything other than each other for several minutes.  

            At least until they hear: “Alright, I think I preferred when you two were hiding – is this what we can look forward to now?  Walking into any room and seeing you trying to eat each other?” 

            “Sass!” another voice admonishes.  

            Breaking apart, they see Sass and Pete standing in the living room not far away. 

            “If I said ‘yes’, would that mean you’d go away?”

            “Trevor!”

            “What?  He doesn’t ask the same of Thor and Flower and they have sex ten feet from my head,” Trevor states, turning to her.  Hetty opens her mouth to counter, but Trevor’s not done.  “He also doesn’t say anything to Isaac and Nigel or Sam and Jay … what makes us different?”

            Hetty tilts her head, obviously confused in that adorable way that he’s grown to adore.  “Trevor’s right, Sasappis.  What is different about us?”

            “I – well – you – it’s Trevor and you – I just …” Sass stutters.

            “That’s not an answer.”

            “Can I offer an answer?” Jeremy offers, after it’s clear Sass won’t be answering.  

            Trevor nods.  

            “I think it’s because Sass finds himself attracted to one of you or both of you and well…”

            He trails off, but Trevor does know.  That would be hilarious, and it makes him wonder if it’s him – after all, Sass clearly spent more time watching Elias rather than Hetty.  Sass picks up on the underlying messages and stutters, “I’m not attracted to Trevor!” and then storms off.

            Trevor can’t help laughing, meanwhile Hetty leans over to his ear and whispers, “He might not be, but I certainly am.”

            Trevor gives raises his eyebrows at her, and says, “Five minutes?”

            “As if we need that long,” Hetty replies.  “Race you?”

            “Gladly.”

            They take off before anything else can be said, completely ignoring Pete and Jeremy, he’ll explain to Jeremy later.

[motownfiction]

strawberry shortcake

Sam socks away a few bucks in every paycheck trying to buy the most perfect birthday present for the most important girl in his life: his baby goddaughter, Elenore O’Connor.

He’s known exactly what to get her for the past three months. Because she is her mother’s daughter, through and through, Elenore already enjoys following stories. She likes it when people read to her, gossip in front of her, and she’s rather fond of the TV. When Sam watches her, he likes to do a balance of all three. Some of Elenore’s favorite things to watch are those Strawberry Shortcake specials. She loves the music and the colors. Her little arms flail up and down when the theme song kicks in. Sam’s heart breaks every time. If he’d known it was possible to love somebody so much – a baby, no less – he probably never would have tried. Sometimes, it’s like his ribs don’t have enough room.

No one gives him any suggestions about what to buy Elenore for her birthday. Lucy says she doesn’t need anything, especially not from a broke high-school senior, but Sam thinks that’s horseshit. He’s the godfather, and whether or not the priest said it at her baptism, part of his duties is to get her presents that will make her happy. And he knows the strawberry-scented Strawberry Shortcake doll, with the attached Strawberrykin (whatever that’s supposed to mean), is what will make Elenore happy.

He gets a little crazy about it. Every time he sees Lucy or Will, he tells them how close he is to being able to buy the doll. Will thinks it’s sweet, but Lucy likes to remind Sam that because Elenore is only turning one, she probably won’t be able to appreciate or remember the doll. Maybe he ought to get her something she can use and grow out of, like a little dress or a pair of shoes. Little kids’ clothes are far less expensive than luxury toys, after all.

But Sam won’t hear it. He understands the practicality. After years of being friends with Lucy, he understands practicality almost too well. It just doesn’t matter. He’s going to get Elenore that doll, even if she doesn’t love it, even if she doesn’t understand it.

Because he wanted Malibu Barbie.

He was about four when Mattel came out with Malibu Barbie, so he was old enough to remember (and old enough to hold a grudge). Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, Sam can still see Malibu Barbie’s little blue dress and long blonde hair. He wasn’t really sure why he wanted the doll so badly. He just knows that he did. There was something about her that was so … happy. Happier than boys’ toys, which were mostly about throwing and catching things, often to no avail. Malibu Barbie could never be so cruel. For his birthday and Christmas, Sam asked every adult he knew for Malibu Barbie. Some of them turned their noses up (“Why would your son want a Barbie doll?” they’d ask Maggie and Mike, who weren’t surprised at Sam’s request at all). Mom and Dad said they looked everywhere for Malibu Barbie that year, but they couldn’t find her. A few years later, Sam learned that wasn’t quite the truth. Mom and Dad found Malibu Barbie in a few places.

They just couldn’t afford her.

And if real, adult parents couldn’t afford a doll for their son, why would teenage parents be able to afford a doll for their daughter?

Sam’s going to work his fingers to the bone for that Strawberry Shortcake and her Strawberrykin. Even if it only brings one smile to Elenore’s perfect little face, it will be one more smile than he ever had.

And aren’t you supposed to want more for the kids you love?

(part of @nosebleedclub july challenge -- day xviii! i'm still chug, chug, chugging away here)

[adultswim2021]

Space Ghost Week

Space Ghost Coast to Coast #68: “Waiting for Edward” | December 25, 1998 | S05E11

Ending the season on an episode that’s just fine. Denis Leary joins the Ghost with his acerbic brand of being a jerk. Denis plays it roughly how you’d expect, by acting very CYNICAL. He’s a cool guy who speaks his mind, and you gotta respect that. 

I’m a little at odds with myself, because I’m pretty sure that the first time I saw this I literally thought Denis Leary was ACTUALLY VERY FUNNY AND COOL. I still appreciate him on some level; he does embody a very 90s ‘tude that is generally “my bag”. In fact I bet you a million space bucks that I at one time or another referred to this as one of my favorite episodes just because it has Denis Leary in it. I really was that much of a loser. But I’ve grown up.* I’ve changed.**  Nowadays I just wish he would stop smoking and ranting, I got school in the morning, sheesh! I

This one starts with a very long “Waiting.” title card intro. I’ve been told that this episode aired with different variations where the music that plays during it is changed out. I remember one time noticing that in the program schedule for this episode they actually added “(version B)” to the episode title. I think Kon, who knows and is actually very good friends with Space Ghost, told me that it meant there was different music, and that it was on purpose. I think. He’ll correct me.

 I have to tell you something: I recently downloaded the Superjail episode “Superbar” as-aired as part of it’s stealth premiere on April Fools Day 2008. It was a “fine cut” version that wasn’t final, and it had the “Waiting.” title card at the start of it. Was “Waiting.” some kind of genuine internal Cartoon Network thing that played before the episodes instead of a more traditional countdown lead-in or production slate or whatever? 

This one also ends with, instead of an episode number, a little bug in the corner that designates this episode as belonging to the “100 series”. To this day, I don’t know what that means. When I was just watching these on TV in random order I assumed they actually had reached 100 episodes and decided not to count them after that. I was wrong, and I’m still baffled by it. In my comic “Early Conan” (which I’m not linking to because the web hosting is about to expire and I’m gonna move it somewhere else eventually) I actually included a “100 series” reference when I hit strip 100.

Notable moment run-down: the very long “Waiting” intro being interrupted briefly with footage of Space Ghost with Zorak on his shoulders, doing something mysterious. Zorak telling Leary that he’s seen all of his movies and that he didn’t think any of them were very good.  Moltar trying to get Space Ghost to say “nice jacket, Fonzie” to Denis. Denis dismissively telling Space Ghost that he only agreed to be on the show because his kids like it, and Space Ghost singing the line back “so the feelings of your stupid kids are more important than mine”. Space Ghost’s spit-take gag turning everyone red. Appearances from Brak and Lokar, who hasn’t been seen in a while. 

There’s also an appearance from the Cartoon Gang, who did somewhat lengthy interstitials between shows on Cartoon Network. It was just a group of kids discussing cartoons. They weren’t too beloved, and they seemed like the product of a craven attempt to be more outwardly kid-friendly by putting real kids on camera. I didn’t really remember them at all, but for some reason I have strong memories of Evan Dorkin hilariously bad-mouthing them during a Space Ghost commentary track. In their thankfully brief segment, Space Ghost bores them to tears about “saving Christmas” and then yells at them for being layabouts. Christmas gets a special thanks in the credits. Hilarious. Hey, when did this air, anyway? I don’t feel like looking up.

That closes out another Space Ghost Week. We’ve only got one more Space Ghost Week for classic Ghost, then I’ll probably do another one covering the dreaded GameTap episodes. Until next time, uh… I can’t think of a Space Ghost reference to put here. Oh well.

*I have not grown up. **I have not changed.

MAIL BAG

Tonight we resume our Adult Swim programming. Yippee! Here are a bunch of SG Mail Bags:

it's a line from the smash hit mario movie. don't read the trades much, do ya?

I’m afraid I don’t believe you that Merrill Markoe’s dead dog Lewis is in the Mario Movie and that they say “Lewis Lectures here we come!”. I’m willing to be wrong about this, though.

its hard to explain how cool kevin smith was to people who were too old or too young to be there.

He’s simply too weird for words nowadays. But man, the run of Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy was gigantic if you were an easily-impressed teenager who liked indie movies in the 1990s. I sorta admire him for trying new-ish things after that though. I Stan Tusk.

Meeting!

(doing the three stooges “hello” thing) (Jason Mewes, revealed to be napping at Kevin Smith’s feet during his Space Ghost interview) “heh-leoh”

any tips for anyone looking into getting into space ghost?

I can see how it might be tough getting to Space Ghost; especially since younger people might not be able to latch onto it for various reasons. Saying to check out episodes based on the guests can backfire, and I’m sure some viewers consider all the guests to be impossibly ancient.

I got into Space Ghost by seeing whatever episodes were on randomly. References to other episodes would pique my interest and they’d pay off later when I finally got to them.

At some point I’ll probably produce a list of best episodes of Space Ghost, but I won’t right now. You could do worse just finding random “best episodes” lists or sorting one on IMDB.

If you’re the type of person who compulsively starts with a full chronological watch-through regardless of the advice you receive saying to do otherwise, I’d say do this: get whatever you can get your hands on (DVDs, torrent, streaming [it’s getting yanked from HBOMax soon]) and just go with that even if it’s missing stuff. Fill in the gaps later. Please know that the early episodes might not be the funniest things ever, but this is also one of the rare comedies that actually gets funnier as it goes along. There’s going to be references you don’t get, There’s still stuff about the show I don’t understand, either. 

This might be unorthodox but: Maybe watch the episodes or seasons in backwards order? That’s actually probably a very good idea. Okay, yeah, actually, just do that.

[pesterloglog]

Harry Anderson Egbert, Vriska Serket

Page 194

HARRY ANDERSON: so...

HARRY ANDERSON: um. vriska?

VRISKA: The one and o........

VRISKA: (Ughhhhhhhh)

VRISKA: I mean, yeah. That's me!!!!!!!!

HARRY ANDERSON: i've heard a lot about you. my name's harry anderson egbert.

HARRY ANDERSON: but my friends just call me harry anderson.

VRISKA: And what do incredi8ly hot and 8adass alien girls call you? ::::)

VRISKA: 8ecause there's no way I'm saying Harry Anderson every time. That's like... 8 whole letters too long.

VRISKA: From now on your name is just Harry.

HARRY: o... k?

VRISKA: Gr8.

VRISKA: So what's your deal, Harry?

VRISKA: If I had to 8et, I'd say you're the thing that pup8ed after a 8ar8aric act of human sexual intercourse 8etween John and some Lalonde or other.

HARRY: ok.

HARRY: ew.

HARRY: i do NOT want to think about that.

VRISKA: Too 8ad, chief. It's 8asically all I've 8een dealing with today.

VRISKA: "Welcome 8ack, Vriska. Your friends have spent the last who-knows-how many sweeps producing an army of freakish offspring, all while steadily getting uglier and LESS COOL."

HARRY: lol. gottem.

HARRY: but um, yeah. john and roxy are my parents.

VRISKA: Ugh, "parents".

VRISKA: I didn't care a8out all this alien shit when John first tried to tell me a8out it, and I DEFIN8TELY don't care any more.

HARRY: hahaha...

VRISKA: What?

HARRY: i don’t know, i’ve just never talked to a troll who didn’t grow up around humans.

HARRY: you sound like vrissy, but if vrissy was from like...

HARRY: ok, so have you ever seen the musical calamity jane?

HARRY: i guess you probably haven't.

HARRY: but so there's this part at the beginning, where the title character comes back from chicago, and she talks to all of the old-timey locals about how bizarre and new-fangled everything was, and

VRISKA: Godddddddd it really is like talking to teenage John all over again.

VRISKA: No I haven't seen Chastity Jane or whatever the stupid title was. It sounds like a total snooze!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: And anyway, what are you trying to say?

VRISKA: That I sound outd8ed?

VRISKA: There WERE no humans on Alternia, okay? There were no humans, and no human "musicals", in my entire UNIVERSE.

HARRY: it sounds like a horrible place. ):

VRISKA: Yeah, it 8lew so un8elieva8ly hard.

VRISKA: And while we're at it: don't compare me to Vrissy either!!!!!!!! She's no 8etter than the rest of you.

VRISKA: She's soft. I can tell.

VRISKA: None of you weenies would have survived even a day, 8ack where I came from.

HARRY: i bet i would have.

VRISKA: HAH!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: No way, kid.

VRISKA: I mean, I can tell that you think you’re hot shit, and I can respect reckless 8ravado.

VRISKA: 8ut only if you can 8ack it up. :::;)

HARRY: i can back it up.

VRISKA: Oh yeah????????

VRISKA: Ever killed any8ody????????

VRISKA: Ever even thrown a P8NCH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

HARRY: well... no.

HARRY: i mean, we've done stage fighting before, but never the real stuff.

HARRY: but i bet i could learn. i took kickboxing with my mom for a month and half when i was nine.

VRISKA: Pffffffff.

VRISKA: Well, at least you aren’t a coward. I’ve known guys softer than you, 8elieve it or not.

VRISKA: John, for instance!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: He totally freaked out the first time I told him I killed some8ody.

HARRY: haha, that sounds like my dad.

VRISKA: He came through, though. I guess. When it actually counted.

VRISKA: He was there to punch me in the face when I needed it most.

HARRY: hehe...

HARRY: ...

HARRY: wait.

HARRY: like... literally?

VRISKA: Yup!

HARRY: not to cast doubt on any of these stories about my dad that you're telling me vriska, but he's probably going to freak out a bit about this whole clown situation.

HARRY: as well as... you even being here?

VRISKA: John already knows I'm here, num8nuts!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: And as for the stuff with Gamzee,

HARRY: no, listen, i mean the fact that you're HERE here. the fact that you're involving any of the rest of us.

HARRY: my mom probably won't be happy about this either!

HARRY: i'm not allowed ONE vriska in my bedroom.

HARRY: i don't even want to THINK about how much trouble i'll be in if she finds out i had TWO of them up there.

VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha oh my god. And you expect me to 8elieve you'd survive on Alternia?

HARRY: well, i'm not there right now!

HARRY: right now i'm in my mom's house with my girlfriend, her boyfriend, and another god damn version of my girlfriend, and all of us are probably now on the run from the fucking GOVERNMENT!!!!

VRISKA: Ooooooookay, so YOU'RE freaking out a8out it now. Cool.

HARRY: of course i am freaking out vriska!

HARRY: i'm freaking out what i think is probably a good amount about this. the fashionable amount of freaking out.

HARRY: the coolest possible amount of freaking out to be doing about the present situation, is the amount of freaking out i'm doing right now.

VRISKA: >::::|

HARRY: but my dad ISN'T cool!!! he just spent like an hour on driving me around in his car and talking about emotions and stuff.

HARRY: he's going through some kind of personal epiphany at the moment. he even shaved off his MUSTACHE before coming here.

HARRY: this is really serious, and now i'm implicated in it as well!

HARRY: you guys were at my school, so he'll realise immediately that you were trying to meet up with me!

HARRY: he's going to absolutely flip his fucking lid if he ever finds out about this!!

HARRY: or worse, it might just make him as miserable as before, and he'll be really disappointed in me, and then he'll just leave again, or... or SOMETHING!!

HARRY: and that's not to even MENTION--

BECAUSE JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEEELLICLES DO JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES CAN JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEELLICLES

HARRY: oh fuck.

JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEEELLICLES DO JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES CAN JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEELLICLES

HARRY: it's him.

[lightofraye]

I spent all day working on this response, since yesterday. I was actually asked by @themoodyestj if she could respond to that ask… because it was very clearly and loudly referring to me. She didn’t have to. It’s her blog. She could’ve deleted and I would have been none the wiser. Or responded regardless. But she wanted to be sure I’d be okay with it. It was a kindness I did not expect.

The anon is clearly referring to my history that I’ve openly spoken about probably since I started my blog. I’m not ashamed of my history of a survivor of abuse and I won’t let an anon make me feel as such.

So what brought on this sudden and savage hate? Only thing I could think of recently was a statement—an opinion—about the J2 wives and who was tokenizing the kids more.

I brought up some moments that had been mentioned by fans who attended Wales Comic Con and cited them. Then an opinion of mine.

I believe that was largely it.

The hate, the vitriol, that has been leveraged against me since I started writing on my speculation of the Ackles marriage, my perspective of what I feel is going on, has been breathtaking since I started in… April? Maybe May?

I’ve received death threats. I’ve endured threats of violence, both in anon asks and publicly on blogs (I have those screenshots too). Worst of all, I’ve had an anon say that I deserve to lose my son (and to paraphrase said anon, “that’s if he’s actually real”).

In response to said anons’ behavior, I took away their anonymity. It was a privilege, not a right. In response, they’ve gone to other blogs in hopes I’d respond. I had done so before and realized that was an error. So I stopped.

I maintained boundaries. I keep to my tiny corner of Tumblr and I write. I share funny things. I came up with cool ideas—my almost daily music choices and Supernatural memes for the days, currently having fun with Supernatural Halloween and 12 Days of Halloween Music. I occasionally share photos. I talk about cats. I make posts about family.

Then my real passion: sharing and educating on abuse, as so many are unaware that they shouldn’t endure such mistreatment in the name of love.

These posts are frequently heavily researched, not using some minor personal blog but legitimate sites on abuse, on psychology, and I’ve taken to citing them in the post itself or at the end with link references.

I don’t pull knowledge out of the ether. I research. That’s my background, that’s my passion, and hell, being a paralegal is largely doing research to back up citations in legal arguments.

It’s why it takes me a while to write posts on it. Because I research. And because it can be painful as I read and reconfirm all the hell I’ve been through was in fact… abuse.

As for the claim of “go do something”… what makes you think I don’t? I’ve made passing mentions of things I’ve done in the past. I was recently summoned to testify to an abuse case. I’ve helped throw out an abuser in my daughter’s life two years ago.

There’s more, but guess what? I’m not here to brag. Bragging is gross. It’s an unnecessary ego stroke. I let my actions speak for themselves.

Sadly… I pity this anon. I pity others like them. How empty their lives must be that they feel threatened by someone writing an opinion, speculation, on a celebrity marriage? Or express a dislike of a headcanon? Or a small time former celebrity? Then attack so viciously that had they said this to me in person with witnesses, I could probably secure a restraining order, bare minimum.

How empty is your life, anon? That you behave like this. That other people have gotten equally rude or worse messages… because we collaborate? That we reblog and laugh or facepalm? That they’ve had to delete and block… because the hate is so vicious and unhinged.

I know there are some who say I made up the abuse for clicks (why? Tumblr isn’t monetized). For attention. For… whatever. That my daughter is in fact imaginary and fake. That I’m a creepy psycho for wanting to see Jensen Ackles as a human being as opposed to a Ken doll.

I could go into detail about the abuse I’ve experienced. It still wouldn’t convince the anons. They want, apparently, to have that hate to feel good about themselves. To feel useful. To give their lives meaning.

I pity anons like this. All they have is their hate—be it against me, against Jared, and yes, even Jensen.

I’ve had people say I’m “too kind”. Even too forgiving. Maybe so… but the opposite is this anon, angry and bitter and hateful.

I’d rather show kindness, love, compassion and yes, knowledge to highlight abuse—because if it can help one person, then I’m happy.

Go in peace, anon. I hope you find it.

To all my readers...

I'm usually not much of a speech person (although I write quite a lot) but today I got this ask:

See, this Anon wasn't addressing me. They were addressing one of my mutuals that they think is me. A mutual who was brave enough to share their story of abuse. A mutual who this Anon felt entitled to harrass, using a very painful period of their live, for the sake of what? Apparently Danneel Ackles. Well, one thing I know for sure. Even if just for the sake of image, Danneel Ackles wouldn't touch this Anon with a ten feet pole. Much less her husband. There is no way this disgusting behaviour is justifiable.

WEAPONIZING ABUSE IS NOT OK.

I know that the normal route of things is to delete and block. Nobody wants to see this ugliness. Some people have closed their Anon asks altogether.

Well, I believe this behavior is shameful and exceeds what I would call delulu behavior. This is evil. This is zero respect for the human condition. And it needs to be called out.

I ask the AAs and Hellers of this Tumblr, do you claim this as yours? Do you condone to this type of behavior? Do you find it justifiable? And to my readers and mutuals, if you are disgusted by this as much as I am, I ask you to reblog with #againstweaponizingabuse and/or #supportingabusevictims. Let's expose this once and for all.

[uptownoxy]

you know i came into this music shit with enthusiasm and anticipation to have fun not use it as an outlet to express my emotions but over time it slowly became my only outlet to express myself and i no longer look at that as a bad thing.

of course there are ups and down to every story but never in a million years would i of thought i would of had to go through what i went through in february of this year.

losing one of the only people that i’ve ever been able to be around without having to confine to some sort of social standard or have to worry about what someone was really thinking is one of the most painful things i’ve ever endured to say the least because it still hasn’t even registered that you’re gone.

our relation was so different because we were both in the same situation coming from the same thing going on at home and living in the lowest income place in the city.

growing up there was an unspoken feeling of acknowledgement to the fact that we weren’t suppose to be like anyone in the city and our aspirations were way farther than what whatever radius we happened to be in and football was something both of us used as a crutch to keep us as far away from what we never wanted to be.

sadly the coaches we were given didn’t care about the kids who didn’t have parents that were apart of the booster clubs or were apart of the prep kids who’s parents had been friends since high school and that showed me from a early point in life that all that shit ever was is politics.

as time went on and people started caring less we both started becoming what we used to frown upon and there was nothing we could do about it.

both of us had so many odds against us that opened my eyes to the way society is set up in places like where we grew up in. if u don’t have the right infrastructure at home it’s survival of the fittest way before you reach the age of being an adult and that’s something we were both trying to fill a void with.

i know there’s so many what ifs and excuses but sometimes i just wish we would’ve realized what we had from the start and made sure that no matter what we weren’t gonna let shit get between us but sure enough life happened and we both started trying to figure out what we were gonna do to survive and when you had to leave the city the only thing we could do is talk on a fuckin phone...

i know u probably thought i was the one who went hollywood and stopped fucking w everyone but what i was going thru was something i figured you would’ve understood.

you know all my life i’ve been really good at making things look perfect when they’re really the farthest thing from that so you probably thought i was good because i never made it seem any other way but just as lost as you were i was too

going from growing up with someone to slowly seeing each other have to go y’all separate ways and make due because y’all ain’t have no to support y’all was painful itself because i knew what we came from and i knew where we wanted to but but when the only one to support you is yourself it turns into a race to live.

when we started making music it was a fun thing. it reopened a lane for us to be in and learn from.

from the start music was always something that brought us together.

i remember after school one day i played lifestyle by thug on some dude bluetooth speaker and you heard it and said “this my shit” and we ended up singing it back n forth like we was the ones who made it and mind u this was before high school and before we ever even thought about making music but that moment was monumental for what would come to be.

when we first me we had some friction and i think that’s cause we both had a “who dis?” moment and we both just wanted to be at the top of the food chain but we both realized we were different from everyone else.

i remember playing 2 ball at the rec watching u play and after a few games i asked u if u wanted to be on my team and you said yeah and we was both lowkey geeked cause we had never had a real interaction before that but we ended up going like 5 games undefeated and after the rec closed i ended up going to ya crib and from there we were inseparable

before then we were both fans of each other but it was never an expressed thing because for whatever reasons but after we became friends it was something powerful. some we can conquer the world type shi lol.

i think seeing what we both came from let us put that wall of judgment down that we had to keep up with everyone else and that was ultimately what made our bond even stronger.

now that i know how political school is i can see how many people tried to put us again each other i wish we could’ve realized they were just doing what they were doing cause they ain’t have what we had

i’m just glad that even tho we had to maneuver thru a lot we always knew what blood couldn’t make us closer than what we were

i hate to even be saying shit like this because i still feel something empty inside of me but i love you bro and i’m sorry shit played out the way it did. i know you were only doing what you did to survive so i don’t blame you for anything that you did. mfs took advantage of you and ain’t care about the outcome it ima make sure what we started gets finished.

they don’t know the last time i got to talk to you i told you i was thinking bout ending my shit and now i got more than a reason to live. i promise you bro i’m do this for you. ima make sure yo daughter good and i will never let your name die. i love you bro i’m literally crying so much right now trying to type all this shit but i know you’re spirit is still alive and until we meet again i got something to prove so until then save me a spot up there and continue watching over me twinski. i love you eternally jay meeks.

[jamiefantana]

Sunday Scaries Somedays Scare Me

   This was my first ever tinyletter column.  Written... oh damn, 2/20/22.  

   I had something totally different for this, already written, but I want to save it for later.  Also, it's Sunday evening and I'm in my feelings.   The first time I heard the phrase "the Sunday Scaries," I was in South Korea.  It was 2016, and a co-worker of mine just let the phrase drop in the middle of whatever mixture of self-deprecating-rants-masking-actual-self-loathing talk he was talking.  I remember asking him about it, and he explained that it was the dread one feels right before the beginning of another week.   I was shocked and awed.  It put into perfect definition a feeling I've had basically my entire life.  I don't know who was the first person to come up with the term "Sunday Scaries," but they were probably German.  East German.   Even as a young James, a Lil Baby Jamie if you will, I've had periods of things being rough.  Middle school, as a whole, was pretty awful.  Puberty was striking everyone down, like Darth Vader.  Or Covid.  We were getting the hormones without the maturity.  And oh did I dread going to school, being at school, doing school work... high school was alright.  Even went to prom with a pretty redhead.  But around that, school could suck.  To this day, my pulse quickens when I hear the theme song to King of the Hill.  And I like King of the Hill!  Everybody does!  But hearing that country-fried guitar meant that the week was coming.   Times change, people grow.  You enter a period of your life called college, and suddenly your biggest concern is "am I going to pass this class?" which if you're like me, your answer will be "of course, you're an English major, you'd have to work harder to fail it."   But then with that English degree so easily won, you get out into the real world, and upon learning you can't just show up in Los Angeles with a diploma and get hired to write for King of the Hill, you tend to find work wherever you can find it.  Hell, not just liberal arts majors, a large part of millennial job interviews go like this-   "Says here you graduated in 2011 with an English degree."   "Yeah, that's right."   "Then you got a job at Home Depot."   "Sure did."   "And then a job as a barback at Flannigan's Hole."   "Uh huh."   "Your last job was as a mutual fund representative for DNR Analytics."   "It was."   "Just curious, why did you choose this career path after college?"   "Because I didn't want to be homeless.  Now Bob, tell me if I'm gonna be able to pay rent this month or not."   As an adult, you get reacquainted with the Sunday Scaries real quick.  And if you missed them the first time, you partake in the shared experience of the rest of us.   The Sunday Scaries exist as a kind of silent alarm.  A sign that you're not where you want to be, either socially, financially, geographically, or psychologically.  Nobody completely satisfied with their life feels them.  John Cena probably wakes up, does the "you can't see me" taunt to the sun, and then gets ready for his day of being a beloved former-professional wrestler/current critically acclaimed action-comedy star.  Mark Zuckerberg probably gets up, attempts to mimic human emotion, reboots, then recommits to his mission of brainwashing Boomers and destroying democracy.   The Sunday Scaries are for the rest of us.  And they existed long before the official term.   In music, Moz moped that "every day is like Sunday/every day is silent and grey."   In literature, Toru Watanabe in Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood wondered "how many Sundays - how many hundreds of Sundays like this - lay ahead of me?  'Quiet, peaceful, and lonely' I said aloud to myself."   Saturday night is the party night.  S-A-TUR-DAY-Night.  Sundays are the hangover.  As a kid, you get the world's most uncomfortable clothes pulled over you and find out how you were born hellbound.  As an adult, you wake up with a headache, sometimes alone, sometimes with a stranger, as you listlessly scroll through social media and compare your unedited behind-the-scenes footage to the world's highlight reels and realize even the mature and secular can create their own hell.   All one can do is try to attain a life where the Sunday Scaries don't exist.  To return to those halcyon days, whenever they were for you personally, where the upcoming week held no particular power over you.  Or, god forbid, held promise and pleasure.  Sure, it might be tough to do in a world with a global pandemic, global military conflict, global unrest, growing income disparity... but nobody every said it'd be easy!   Now if you excuse me, I'll wrap it up here.  I have to do my weekly wash and prepare for another week as... data... transponder for a financial... oversight... I have a desk and quotas.  I know that much.