#and yes i know that iq means next to nothing but she's really boastful about it

[moths-in-the-coat]

OC PROFILE #11: ORIGINAL UNIVERSE (UNTITLED VAMPIRE COMEDY)

"Sometimes, you just need a little weird science to solve your problems."

i.– basic info

☣ name: Rhiannon Cage ☣ nicknames: Riri, Mad Scientist, Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die (will elaborate) ☣ age: 26 ☣ birthday: March 18, 1997 ☣ star sign: Pisces ☣ birthplace: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania ☣ hometown: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania ☣ ethnicity: White ☣ nationality: American ☣ languages spoken: English, Spanish, German (not very well) ☣ gender: cis female (she/her) ☣ sexuality: aroace

ii.– appearance

☣ description: Rhiannon is an average-height woman with short black hair and green eyes. Her most distinguishing feature is her skin, which is a shade of blue due to her use of colloidal silver (argyria). She has numerous ear piercings, similar to Vinnie, as well as a lot of silver jewelry. ☣ height: 5'5 (175 cm) ☣ weight: unknown/irrelevant ☣ other distinguishing features: wide smile, eye bags, short fingernails

iii.– personality

☣ positive traits: determined, intelligent, motivated, trustworthy, witty ☣ neutral traits: ambitious, stubborn, enigmatic, blunt, questioning ☣ negative traits: quick-tempered, know-it-all, moody, single-minded, obsessive ☣ likes: science, rodents, routine, cheese puffs, soap operas ☣ dislikes: wet textures, vampires, loud noises, summer, spicy food ☣ fears: vampires, mutilation, needles, public speaking ☣ hobbies: watching soap operas, collecting porcelain cats, researching vampires, listening to music, taking care of her guinea pigs ☣ talents: intelligence, problem-solving, agility

iv.– abilities

☣ weapons: gun (with silver bullets), pure silver dagger

v.– relationships

☣ friends: Vinnie Wright, Jasper Pedroza Veracruz ☣ enemies: ANY AND ALL VAMPIRES. ☣ love interest: none, single

vi.– backstory

Rhiannon was born and raised in Pittsburgh. In her youth, she was known for being far ahead of her peers in all subjects. After an IQ test at the age of 8, it was discovered she had an IQ of 130, which made everyone expect great things from her. Despite all the pressure, Rhiannon took it in stride, being consistently at the top of her class and winning science fairs back-to-back. At the age of 16, she was attacked by a vampire. The only reason why they didn't end up killing her was her jewelry, which was made of pure silver. Afterwards, Rhiannon wasn't the same. She became secluded and paranoid, causing her grades to slip in senior year. This didn't stop her from being accepted into the University of Pittsburgh's honors school, where she would study biology. It was there that she met Jasper Pedroza Veracruz, a geology major who harbored the same hatred for vampires. The two became fast friends even after they graduated. After graduation, the two started the Vampire Hunters' Association (or VHA for short) and were shortly thereafter joined by Vinnie Wright, an aspiring cryptozoologist with a masters' in mechanical enginering from MIT.

…and then the fic starts.

viii.– other

☣ fashion styles: does "mad scientist" count as an aesthetic? ☣ voice claim: Lizzie Freeman ☣ face claim: Emily Rudd ☣ theme song: Weird Science- Oingo Boingo ☣ assorted fun facts: She has three guinea pigs named Oppenheimer, Darwin, and Turing. She has an IQ of 130 and brags about it constantly. She watches Spanish-language soap operas with Jasper. She loves movies and books about mad scientists. She is autistic. She takes colloidal silver supplements daily, which makes her blood practically poison to vampires.

[zrtranscripts]

Season 8, Mission 29: King of Kings

Red God

~

JODY MARSH: Decent view of the sea from these hills on Mor Island, Five. Tom would have loved it. Look at those clouds. There's a hell of a storm closing in.

SAM YAO: Yeah, and it's not the only thing. Janine reckons Shona will be coming straight here from Shipwreck Cove. Her V-types are probably marching across the ocean floor right now.

PAULA COHEN: The storm's scared the gulls away, so there's nothing to warn us when they're close. The Undaunted's patrolling to intercept. Janine just transferred aboard to give tactical advice. If V-types take the island, Amelia will nuke it out of desperation. Janine doesn't have long left.

JODY MARSH: Shona will get past the Undaunted, Five. I can feel her in my mind, gloating. It's horrible.

SAM YAO: Yeah, well, that's where we come in, right? Thanks to the laird, we know there's something in the king of the rocks ceremony that's been stopping the red fungus from conquering Mor for millennia. We don't know exactly what it is, and because she finally got her hands on the Edda, Shona and the skincoats probably do. 

But if we run the ceremony, maybe we can work it out, make sure it happens. And we've got that old rhyme to work off. It's badly translated from Ancient Gaelic, but... When gale blows and the moon shines, then gather at the silver pools. Swing around the rocks that stand. Give fruit to the sea to bless the land. There's got to be a clue in there somewhere.

MORAG BROWN: Dinnae worry. No one knows this island like old Morag Brown. Also, I'm not a skincoat or driven crazy by the red fungus. Yet.

JODY MARSH: Right. We know the plan. But when Shona gets here, Sam, I've got an arrow with her name on it.

PAULA COHEN: Jody, Tom hated the way he gave into revenge. He wouldn't want the same for you!

JODY MARSH: No, but he'd understand. Peter always says I'm lucky, used to call me Clover. But the people I care about aren't lucky, are they? Owen, Ellie, Tom. She's not getting away with it, Paula, and she's not hurting anyone else I love.

SAM YAO: The storm front's already hitting the island. I know this feels like a long shot, guys, but... well, I guess we're out of options. We can't evacuate the island. Everyone's carrying the fungus. I'm all set up in the Dougals' farmhouse. There's room here to pin up all our notes from Jones, and all Ellie's research from before we came, and Frances is waiting on comms with all Dearg's research if we need it. You'd better get a move on before you lose visibility in the rain. Keep going straight. You're almost at the cave where the ceremony starts. Run.

~

JODY MARSH: We're in the cave where the king of the rocks starts, Sam. Still dark and gloomy in here. Still creepy egg things on the ceiling. No sign of any more pomegranate seedpods hatching out.

SAM YAO: Okay. So we know the king of the rocks used to start with lighting fires in that caves before the islanders stopped for safety reasons. We know fires make the egg things hatch.

MORAG BROWN: Aye, but those eggs aren't here every year. They weren't here when I saw this cave with Lachlan.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Um, hello. Sorry to interrupt. Frances from Dearg Island here. The seedpods look like pomegranates, did you say?

PAULA COHEN: Once they hatch from the weird egg things, yes.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Okay. Well, doesn't part of the ceremony involve throwing fruit off a cliff? Maybe when the ancient islanders started the ceremony, the fruit was from those caves, hence lighting fires to draw pods out.

MORAG BROWN: But if the ancients were throwing seedpods in the sea, wouldn't that red muck be everywhere?

PAULA COHEN: The problem is the ceremony goes back millennia. Without the account of the original in the Edda, there's no way to know how badly it's been distorted over time. All we have here is one fragment Tom managed to tear out of the Edda before Shona murdered him. We found it on... on his body, clenched in his fist. Even in his last moments, he was trying to help us.

MORAG BROWN: And what does it say?

JODY MARSH: Blessing of the silver rain. It's not much, but it has to mean something. I know it does.

SAM YAO: Guys, I'm getting a signal from the Undaunted. Patching it in now.

JANINE DE LUCA: I repeat, the Undaunted detected a V-type and moved to engage. The V-type managed to sneak into a torpedo tube. Crew is under attack. Weapons damaged. We must evacuate - [radio static]

SAM YAO: Janine? Janine, come in! I've lost her. I can't see the Undaunted out there on cams. There's just lightning, and oh God, whirlwinds over the sea. You guys have got to hurry. The next part of the ceremony happens at the rock pools on the beach where Jones landed. Get down there fast, run!

~

JODY MARSH: Sam, we're on the beach coming up to a big stretch of rock pools now. These waves are crazy! Wind's enough to blow you over.

MORAG BROWN: I don't see how this part of the ceremony's going to help us. It's just a wee bit of rock pooling for the kiddies before the big dance at Reesride.

PAULA COHEN: Hold on. Look, Five, down in the rock pools. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Flecks of silver sparkling in the water.

SAM YAO: What, you mean like - like the silver stuff the V-types hate? Wait, that's in the rhyme! The silver pools.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: The silver mud is usually found underground or in ocean silt. It's very rare. But we know some of Mor's caves flood in high tide. The storm's tide could be dredging up silt, circulating it through the island, causing it to drift up through surface channels.

PAULA COHEN: Okay, but there's only tiny specks of it here. And how is that going to help us fight the V-types?

SAM YAO: Guys, there are V-types coming ashore further up that beach. They've got those weird fungus tendrils sticking out of their bodies, probably to help against the currents underwater.

MORAG BROWN: They aren't the only things landing. Look by those rocks. There's a boat coming in.

JODY MARSH: The skincoats. They must have been holding position nearby waiting for the Undaunted to be neutralized.

PAULA COHEN: They're coming this way, hooded and armed.

JODY MARSH: But Shona's missing. She wouldn't keep her hood up, not when she can boast. Everybody, head inland. The next stop is the boulder at Reesride. We need to work this out fast. We are not letting them stop us. Run!

~

PAULA COHEN: Sam, we're inside of the boulder at Reesride. It's right on top of a hill, looming over us.

MORAG BROWN: This is where the big cèilidh happens. It's meant to mean thanks for the gift of life, though mostly it turns into young folk canoodling. 

PAULA COHEN: You know, I've been running over the medical records from Dearg. The red fungus isn't good, but in small doses, it has health benefits. Better reaction times, faster healing, slightly higher IQs. That's probably where the stories about longer lives on the Far Hebrides come from.

SAM YAO: So what, the ancient islanders used the fungus for its benefits, but had a ceremony to stop it getting overgrown?

FRANCES DEMPSEY: That jives with the models we're working out here, Sam. The seedpods are meant to be dropped from the cliffs at Heron Point. Looking at tidal patterns for this time of year, they'd end up washed elsewhere in the Far Hebrides. The fungus would stay local, but Jones triggered a pod early in another part of the island, so some fungus ended up on the mainland.

PAULA COHEN: Uh-oh. Guys, five skincoats coming out from behind that boulder.

JODY MARSH: They must have worked out where we were going, used the caves to cut us off!

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Form up, all of you. The red god has ascended! It's promised we will be united with all those buried in its soil!

MORAG BROWN: You're bloody barmy, Duncan Macallan! And I wish I'd never baked you that wedding shortcake!

JODY MARSH: We need cover. We're outnumbered. There's a bunch of villagers taking orders from the skincoats. Quick, into those trees. Frances, if you're going to work things out, now would be a really good time.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Um, well, the original mutation of the fungus seems fragile. Without the exact soil composition in the Far Hebrides, it has trouble rooting outside a host. That's why it's dying off on the mainland.

PAULA COHEN: So it'll be super desperate to make us zombies, is what you're saying.

JODY MARSH: Sam, the skincoats are coming fast. We can't get to the boulder. We need a route out of here.

SAM YAO: Hold on, hold on. Checking maps. Um, yeah, there's a cave to your east. It runs all the way to the cliffs over Heron Point, the next stop for the ceremony. The cultists probably aren't using the cave because it's full of devil's breath blowholes. It looks like they've got every other path covered. The cave mouth is in the gully to your left. Run!

~

JODY MARSH: Sam, we're in the cave.

PAULA COHEN: There are blowholes exploding out of the floor all over the place. Stay clear of the spurts, Five. They're strong enough to crack you into the rocks. 

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Oh my God, that's it!

MORAG BROWN: Aye, being cracked into the rocks would put us out of our misery. Those blackguards are still after us.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: No, you don't understand. The geysers, they're the key. Tidal movement is sweeping silver mud off the ocean floor into the island. Some of it will get swept into those blowholes.

PAULA COHEN: You know, some of those spurts do have a  bit of a silvery tint.

JODY MARSH: And that's enough to kill the fungus?

FRANCES DEMPSEY: No, not on its own. Geysers wouldn't distribute the silver mud. The answer was in the fragment of the Edda Tom took. The blessing of the silver rain. You see there's a massive storm front over the island, whirlwinds sucking material into it. If a powerful geyser blew enough silver mud into the storm -

SAM YAO: It'd circulate in the rain like when a fish or frogs get caught in a hurricane. Thank you, Tom.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: It'd wipe out fungus across the whole archipelago. That's the ceremony! The storm kills the fungus, and the locals save a few seeds that bloom later. Storm fronts this big only happen every half-century or so. The ceremony probably started out generational, became annual. The fungus has been growing a long time since the last proper wipeout.

SAM YAO: I've got it! It was in Ellie's notes. There are three large blowholes associated with the king of the rocks. They're known locally as the three kings. One was – ! [sighs] Yeah, right. It was covered by a rockslide 20 years ago. Oh, and then there's - ! [sighs] Yeah, no, there's a museum built over the second in town. The last is by East Loch.

JODY MARSH: The skincoats are going to try and block the final blowhole so the silver rain never falls! We're almost out of the caves. The loch isn't far. Everybody, swing east as soon as we feel rain. Run!

~

SAM YAO: Guys, I see you approaching East Loch. The geyser's right in front of you.

JODY MARSH: We see it spurting, Sam. It is glittering silver!

FRANCES DEMPSEY: The storm only just started passing over that part of the isle. Once the whirlwinds hit the geyser, they'll begin sucking up the silver.

PAULA COHEN: We're really close to the Reesride boulder. Oh hell, there's more skincoats and their islander acolytes guarding the geyser.

MORAG BROWN: Why, I recognize those two. Don't think those hoods fool me! You're Danny Butch, Meg Butch's boy, and you're Lisa Gale, the little kleptomaniac! Shame on you both! What would your mothers say?

SAM YAO: Uh, they're running away. Well, so are the skincoats behind you... Oh, good job, Morag.

JODY MARSH: I don't think they're running away from her. Look at the boulder up on the hill. It's moving! There's a lot of V-types pushing it.

PAULA COHEN: Do you think... could that boulder block the geyser? In the rhyme, it says the rocks that stand. That must be the point. That it doesn't get moved, and if something has moved it, the rhyme says they have to stand it up again so the blowholes don't get blocked.

JODY MARSH: The skincoats must think so. It's coming this way down the hill. Everybody, out of its path, away from the blowhole! Run!

~

SAM YAO: Jody, are you guys all right?

JODY MARSH: We're fine, Sam. We got away. But that boulder landed on the geyser. There are V-types around it making sure it's in place. The blowhole's blocked. It's too big to move. We'd need 50 people.

FRANCES DEMPSEY: Then there's no way to stop the red fungus.

AMELIA SPENS: Sam, Five, anyone, do you copy?

SAM YAO: Amelia, where are you? Where's Janine?

AMELIA SPENS: We just came ashore in a life raft. We're hiding in a cave. The Undaunted is evacuating. Most of the crew turned V-type. Janine's unconscious. I can't wake her.

SAM YAO: Yeah, I see the Undaunted on cams. It surfaced near the cliffs. There are V-types clinging to the hull, red veins all over the sub's body. The fungus is growing around it. It's crushing it! [explosion] Oh my God! The Undaunted just exploded! It's – it's exploded!

AMELIA SPENS: The captain stayed behind to scuttle the ship. The nuclear materials will be contained in the wreckage. It was all we could do.

SHONA REID: Runner Five! I still have Tom's headset. Are we having fun?

SAM YAO: It's Shona. She's just come ashore on a skiff, near Reesride, surrounded by V-types.

SHONA REID: I felt that explosion, but it's too late. I keep telling you the island is mine.

SAM YAO: The Undaunted explosion, it's caused a rockslide. It's – it's sheared off a layer of the cliff's rocks. It... oh my God. Underneath, there's just... just red fungus entwined with the rock. Oh, so much. The whole island must be absolutely full of it.

SHONA REID: The ceremony's over. There's nothing you can do now. It's the dawn of the red god, and you're all going to be part of it.

~

[sweetlifetownsville]

Hard Going Getting On Top Of The Hill: The Mayor's Magnificent Mount Louisa Make-Over Might Stumble At The First Jump

And Jenny knows about the problem, but is blithely telling us its all go, when it may well be all stop. The Pie shares a most interesting email. The old bird can reveal that Mayor Jenny Hill IS under investigation by Brisbane authorities for possible misconduct and watching all the fumbling inanities coming over the next 12 months in the run-up to local council elections is going to be more fun than watching a blind man trying to get out of a door knob factory. To that end, The Pie this week introduces a new occasional award, The Codswallop Cup. No shortage of contenders. Also, our new white ele sorry, stadium, has hit more turbulence as it rises from the mud and Lozza Lancini will not be a happy chappy. Bentley has a say on George Pells new lifestyle And our regular gallery from Trumpistan. First, Hot Of The Rumour Mill

The most interesting rumour has just floated into the Nest. Its unverified (well duh, thats why its called a rumour) so well have to wait until the Astonisher plays catchup sometime this week. The Pie hears that the only two tenderers for the new stadiums ultra-lucrative catering contract , one being the incumbent Spotless and one being the Cowboys Leagues Club, have both been excluded for non compliant tenders to do with not paying award wages. So back to square one for the new stadium and where does that leave Spotless in the current stadium? For the answer, check the Astonisher around oh, say, next Friday, by when Lozza Lancini will have told iditor Jenna Cairney what she can say about this. Pell Mell Nothing has been quite as spectacular in the annals of fallen high flyers than that of George Pell, who has swapped his glittering Mardi Gras cardinals robes for prison drab, after being sent to chokey for six years (to serve 3 years and 8 months before eligible for parole) for what only be described as the most brazen, power-deluded child abuse imaginable. Indeed so brazen as to leave lingering doubts among some observers whether such things couldve happened as described, but an appeal will sort that out, after all, the jury knows things that we do not. Now Georgy Boy faces another biased jury his fellow inmates, a class of folk not known for their strict adherence to jurisprudence rules and who exercise their own summary justice according to their own morals and mythology. And Bentley reckons you never know who youre going to bump in in the Yard.

And The Pie says to those who say the term is not enough, rest assured, for a man of Pells pomposity, ego and age, he has been handed a life sentence of one sort or another. One imagines there is one person who will give Judge Peter Kidd the thumbs up.

Shifty Business Delivering on promises is a tricky business, especially when our mayor is in campaign mode. Today, we were offered this little bit of click bait.

But when we went through to the story, what we got was this

Uncanny how this is so ambiguous, like the Castle Hill upgrade itself. Now this is media sleight of hand at its clumsiest, making a highly speculative project sound like solid fact. Interesting because it simply that the TCC will start drawing up plans for what it would like to see at Mt Louisa and crucially for mayor Mullet is the quote: with construction expected by the end of the year. Community engagement started this week and will continue until the end of April. The Pie thought, well thats a nice idea, if conveniently timed to become a re-election boast, but hey, good for the huffnpuff crowd. Then this morning, (Sat) an email fluttered into the Nest. From Angela Sacilotto Councillor Jenny Hills grand plan for Mt Louisa is another political stunt with council elections due in March 2020. TCC do not own all of Mt Louisa. I own a 8 ha block right across the middle of the hill. I have told TCC I do not want to sell. Havent been able to verify Ms Sacilottos information, but she volunteered her contact details and phone number if The Pie wanted a chat about the matter (which for reasons well known to regular readers, is not a viable option since the recent operation.) But The Pie would guess there will be whole lot more to the meaning of community engagement when Mayor Mullet reads this. it is known that Jenny Hill does not like being crossed by people with legal rights who stand in the way of her grand visions, so this community engagement with Ms Sacilotto could involve nipple clamps, a car battery and wet towels . But That May Be The Least Of Her Problems Cant reveal too much at the moment, but our mayor is being officially investigated possible misconduct over her Adani links, particularly arising out of her trip to India. This will not be a revelation on her, because she has been informed of the issue by the Brisbane based investigating body, and what is officially termed overt inquiries are underway. Perhaps no biggy (but then again ) but not a great look for someone who once expressed her admiration for Ipswich Mayor Pisasale. What Dreams May Come, As Willy Shakespeare Once Said All this has led to The Magpie being told that Jenny, a Hitchcock fan, recently watched his classic The Birds, but when she went to bed, she had an horrific dream.

Serves her right for throwing darts at a much loved and protected Australian species. THIS WEEKS CONTENDERS FOR THE CODSWALLOP CUP Its a crowded field. Cmon, Really? Cmon now, seriously Jenna Cairney? Is this all youve got?

Listen, me dear old haggis-head, getting shocked by a menu may apply to a Korean doggy delicacy, a Vietnamese cockroach kebab or the price of a pie at the footy, but because this mob is adding burgers bloody good old Aussie burgers we Aussie snowflakes should be shocked? Do you not understand how insulting this advertorial pap is? One seriously has to question whether the decision makers who publish this clap trap have an IQ above room temperature. A Group Effort Where to start with this one, the inanity is of such magnitude that The Pie is tempted to inaugurate the Clusterfuck Cup as a separate category.

This mind-blowing little corker of an idea is called the Palmer Street Precinct Activation project, and involves wait for it a bit of new lighting along the street, and a new sign saying hang on again Palmer Street.

The plan was obviously to give re-election hopefuls a bit of sorely needed publicity (youd think on recent photographic evidence, Messagebank Walker and Ann-Maree Greaney are going steady). But for other reasons, the story raised both an eyebrow and a guffaw at the same time. Chef/restaurateur Matt Merrin, normally a sensible and successful man, made a right goof of himself when he (reportedly) told the paper the changes would transform Palmer Street into a world class destination. It will be something that visitors to Townsville can Instagram, take photos of and sell the message to the world. Its going to bring new investment back to Palmer Street (question: how does new investment come back?) Weve had many restaurants close over the last 12 months, this will inspire new restaurant owners and people to come back into Palmer Street and be part of the precinct it once was. A world class destination? Matt, a message from The Magpie, mate lay off the cooking sherry and exotic herbs before talking to the Astonisher (FFS, mate, youre even holding your glass crooked.) The story also informs us The dining strip received some upgrades during the preparations for the Commonwealth Games last year. Oh did it? Very similar upgrades in scale to the ones now proposed , as The Pie remembers. So in the year since that spruce up, two Palmer Street nose-baggeries have gone belly-up. But somehow, this one is going to usher in a new era? Hows that? But heres the best bit in the original story, Ann-Maree Greaney said the lighting would keep people, particularly women, safer that apparent admission that the council has allowed Palmer Street to operate without adequately safe lighting for years has now been removed from the story. What fucking planet are you from, you lot? Reporter Chris Lees, have you no dignity? Or sober judgement? Did TCC media gopfer Simpo Templeton have anything to do with this, its about his speed? Well, anyway Anthony, unlike the when at the Astonisher, at least in your TCC role you dont have to put your name to your cock-ups. 3. Off The Rails Then on Thursday, we had this little bit of fluffy irrelevancy.

But no sooner had this flimsy kite taken to the sky, than the Astonisher itself cut the string on Friday with this:

What city rail plan? There wasnt any, the original story was a campaigning thought-fart from the desperate Clr Jacob. Clever though, isnt it write bullshit one day and call it out as bullshit the next. Gotta luv the ol Astonisher. A Miscellaneous Magpie Whinge The Magpie is deliberately not talking about or seeking comment on the massacre in New Zealand, he has no words, certainly none that would contribute positively to this dark deed of pure evil. But coverage does prompt The Pie to vent about a favourite piece of nanny state demeaning idiocy can we please move away from the rubber-faced sign language person standing next to officials who are often making statements about deeply disturbing matters. Often signing involves grotesque and to the uninitiated completely inappropriate comical facial expressions. This presents the twin problems of distraction for the general audience and indignity for the subject of the media conference.The Pie doesnt know what the average deaf audience would be at any given time not many one would guess and yes, there are times like bushfire and flood updates where this information should be conveyed in this manner. But shit folks, heres a newsflash for more 60 years now, real time lower screen captioning has been available, or as all sports directors so slickly employ technology for a smaller, less distracting vision box to one corner. To currently give such a minority a so distracting and undignified presence is not necessary and lacks dignity, and disturbs concentration on what can be vital messages. Of course, nanny staters wont agree. Speaking Of The Nanny State Our evolving language, not always for the better, now features the term woke, as in are you woke to climate change? or any number of other social issues. It means are you alert to, but as so often happens, we too readily adopt the argot of the ill-educated as some sort expression of being cool and identifying with a group one wouldnt normally break bread with. The lovely thing about this nonsensical use of substitute language leaves it wide open for hysterically funny skewering and in this classic piss take Are You Woke? from a fed up Tracey Ullman. The Clock Is A-Ticking The Brexit imbroglio is increasingly hard to follow (or for The Pie, to care much about) but one of the cleverest pictorial comments the predicament of Theresa (dis)May(ed) comes from the Guardians Steve Bell.

And More Of The Same From Trumpistan A lot of attention continues to surround the tumble of democrats eager to take on President Trumpet at the polls next year. And the interest has been heightened by someone not running.

. The ducking, weaving and hilarity of the comments section runs 24/7, so give us of your best, folks. And if you like the blog, you can show your appreciation with some sorely needed financial support, the how to donate button is below. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/hard-going-getting-on-top-of-the-hill-the-mayors-magnificent-mount-louisa-make-over-might-stumble-at-the-first-jump/

[sweetlifetownsville]

Hard Going Getting On Top Of The Hill: The Mayor's Magnificent Mount Louisa Make-Over Might Stumble At The First Jump

And Jenny knows about the problem, but is blithely telling us its all go, when it may well be all stop. The Pie shares a most interesting email. The old bird can reveal that Mayor Jenny Hill IS under investigation by Brisbane authorities for possible misconduct and watching all the fumbling inanities coming over the next 12 months in the run-up to local council elections is going to be more fun than watching a blind man trying to get out of a door knob factory. To that end, The Pie this week introduces a new occasional award, The Codswallop Cup. No shortage of contenders. Also, our new white ele sorry, stadium, has hit more turbulence as it rises from the mud and Lozza Lancini will not be a happy chappy. Bentley has a say on George Pells new lifestyle And our regular gallery from Trumpistan. First, Hot Of The Rumour Mill

The most interesting rumour has just floated into the Nest. Its unverified (well duh, thats why its called a rumour) so well have to wait until the Astonisher plays catchup sometime this week. The Pie hears that the only two tenderers for the new stadiums ultra-lucrative catering contract , one being the incumbent Spotless and one being the Cowboys Leagues Club, have both been excluded for non compliant tenders to do with not paying award wages. So back to square one for the new stadium and where does that leave Spotless in the current stadium? For the answer, check the Astonisher around oh, say, next Friday, by when Lozza Lancini will have told iditor Jenna Cairney what she can say about this. Pell Mell Nothing has been quite as spectacular in the annals of fallen high flyers than that of George Pell, who has swapped his glittering Mardi Gras cardinals robes for prison drab, after being sent to chokey for six years (to serve 3 years and 8 months before eligible for parole) for what only be described as the most brazen, power-deluded child abuse imaginable. Indeed so brazen as to leave lingering doubts among some observers whether such things couldve happened as described, but an appeal will sort that out, after all, the jury knows things that we do not. Now Georgy Boy faces another biased jury his fellow inmates, a class of folk not known for their strict adherence to jurisprudence rules and who exercise their own summary justice according to their own morals and mythology. And Bentley reckons you never know who youre going to bump in in the Yard.

And The Pie says to those who say the term is not enough, rest assured, for a man of Pells pomposity, ego and age, he has been handed a life sentence of one sort or another. One imagines there is one person who will give Judge Peter Kidd the thumbs up.

Shifty Business Delivering on promises is a tricky business, especially when our mayor is in campaign mode. Today, we were offered this little bit of click bait.

But when we went through to the story, what we got was this

Uncanny how this is so ambiguous, like the Castle Hill upgrade itself. Now this is media sleight of hand at its clumsiest, making a highly speculative project sound like solid fact. Interesting because it simply that the TCC will start drawing up plans for what it would like to see at Mt Louisa and crucially for mayor Mullet is the quote: with construction expected by the end of the year. Community engagement started this week and will continue until the end of April. The Pie thought, well thats a nice idea, if conveniently timed to become a re-election boast, but hey, good for the huffnpuff crowd. Then this morning, (Sat) an email fluttered into the Nest. From Angela Sacilotto Councillor Jenny Hills grand plan for Mt Louisa is another political stunt with council elections due in March 2020. TCC do not own all of Mt Louisa. I own a 8 ha block right across the middle of the hill. I have told TCC I do not want to sell. Havent been able to verify Ms Sacilottos information, but she volunteered her contact details and phone number if The Pie wanted a chat about the matter (which for reasons well known to regular readers, is not a viable option since the recent operation.) But The Pie would guess there will be whole lot more to the meaning of community engagement when Mayor Mullet reads this. it is known that Jenny Hill does not like being crossed by people with legal rights who stand in the way of her grand visions, so this community engagement with Ms Sacilotto could involve nipple clamps, a car battery and wet towels . But That May Be The Least Of Her Problems Cant reveal too much at the moment, but our mayor is being officially investigated possible misconduct over her Adani links, particularly arising out of her trip to India. This will not be a revelation on her, because she has been informed of the issue by the Brisbane based investigating body, and what is officially termed overt inquiries are underway. Perhaps no biggy (but then again ) but not a great look for someone who once expressed her admiration for Ipswich Mayor Pisasale. What Dreams May Come, As Willy Shakespeare Once Said All this has led to The Magpie being told that Jenny, a Hitchcock fan, recently watched his classic The Birds, but when she went to bed, she had an horrific dream.

Serves her right for throwing darts at a much loved and protected Australian species. THIS WEEKS CONTENDERS FOR THE CODSWALLOP CUP Its a crowded field. Cmon, Really? Cmon now, seriously Jenna Cairney? Is this all youve got?

Listen, me dear old haggis-head, getting shocked by a menu may apply to a Korean doggy delicacy, a Vietnamese cockroach kebab or the price of a pie at the footy, but because this mob is adding burgers bloody good old Aussie burgers we Aussie snowflakes should be shocked? Do you not understand how insulting this advertorial pap is? One seriously has to question whether the decision makers who publish this clap trap have an IQ above room temperature. A Group Effort Where to start with this one, the inanity is of such magnitude that The Pie is tempted to inaugurate the Clusterfuck Cup as a separate category.

This mind-blowing little corker of an idea is called the Palmer Street Precinct Activation project, and involves wait for it a bit of new lighting along the street, and a new sign saying hang on again Palmer Street.

The plan was obviously to give re-election hopefuls a bit of sorely needed publicity (youd think on recent photographic evidence, Messagebank Walker and Ann-Maree Greaney are going steady). But for other reasons, the story raised both an eyebrow and a guffaw at the same time. Chef/restaurateur Matt Merrin, normally a sensible and successful man, made a right goof of himself when he (reportedly) told the paper the changes would transform Palmer Street into a world class destination. It will be something that visitors to Townsville can Instagram, take photos of and sell the message to the world. Its going to bring new investment back to Palmer Street (question: how does new investment come back?) Weve had many restaurants close over the last 12 months, this will inspire new restaurant owners and people to come back into Palmer Street and be part of the precinct it once was. A world class destination? Matt, a message from The Magpie, mate lay off the cooking sherry and exotic herbs before talking to the Astonisher (FFS, mate, youre even holding your glass crooked.) The story also informs us The dining strip received some upgrades during the preparations for the Commonwealth Games last year. Oh did it? Very similar upgrades in scale to the ones now proposed , as The Pie remembers. So in the year since that spruce up, two Palmer Street nose-baggeries have gone belly-up. But somehow, this one is going to usher in a new era? Hows that? But heres the best bit in the original story, Ann-Maree Greaney said the lighting would keep people, particularly women, safer that apparent admission that the council has allowed Palmer Street to operate without adequately safe lighting for years has now been removed from the story. What fucking planet are you from, you lot? Reporter Chris Lees, have you no dignity? Or sober judgement? Did TCC media gopfer Simpo Templeton have anything to do with this, its about his speed? Well, anyway Anthony, unlike the when at the Astonisher, at least in your TCC role you dont have to put your name to your cock-ups. 3. Off The Rails Then on Thursday, we had this little bit of fluffy irrelevancy.

But no sooner had this flimsy kite taken to the sky, than the Astonisher itself cut the string on Friday with this:

What city rail plan? There wasnt any, the original story was a campaigning thought-fart from the desperate Clr Jacob. Clever though, isnt it write bullshit one day and call it out as bullshit the next. Gotta luv the ol Astonisher. A Miscellaneous Magpie Whinge The Magpie is deliberately not talking about or seeking comment on the massacre in New Zealand, he has no words, certainly none that would contribute positively to this dark deed of pure evil. But coverage does prompt The Pie to vent about a favourite piece of nanny state demeaning idiocy can we please move away from the rubber-faced sign language person standing next to officials who are often making statements about deeply disturbing matters. Often signing involves grotesque and to the uninitiated completely inappropriate comical facial expressions. This presents the twin problems of distraction for the general audience and indignity for the subject of the media conference.The Pie doesnt know what the average deaf audience would be at any given time not many one would guess and yes, there are times like bushfire and flood updates where this information should be conveyed in this manner. But shit folks, heres a newsflash for more 60 years now, real time lower screen captioning has been available, or as all sports directors so slickly employ technology for a smaller, less distracting vision box to one corner. To currently give such a minority a so distracting and undignified presence is not necessary and lacks dignity, and disturbs concentration on what can be vital messages. Of course, nanny staters wont agree. Speaking Of The Nanny State Our evolving language, not always for the better, now features the term woke, as in are you woke to climate change? or any number of other social issues. It means are you alert to, but as so often happens, we too readily adopt the argot of the ill-educated as some sort expression of being cool and identifying with a group one wouldnt normally break bread with. The lovely thing about this nonsensical use of substitute language leaves it wide open for hysterically funny skewering and in this classic piss take Are You Woke? from a fed up Tracey Ullman. The Clock Is A-Ticking The Brexit imbroglio is increasingly hard to follow (or for The Pie, to care much about) but one of the cleverest pictorial comments the predicament of Theresa (dis)May(ed) comes from the Guardians Steve Bell.

And More Of The Same From Trumpistan A lot of attention continues to surround the tumble of democrats eager to take on President Trumpet at the polls next year. And the interest has been heightened by someone not running.

. The ducking, weaving and hilarity of the comments section runs 24/7, so give us of your best, folks. And if you like the blog, you can show your appreciation with some sorely needed financial support, the how to donate button is below. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/hard-going-getting-on-top-of-the-hill-the-mayors-magnificent-mount-louisa-make-over-might-stumble-at-the-first-jump/

[sweetlifetownsville]

Hard Going Getting On Top Of The Hill: The Mayor's Magnificent Mount Louisa Make-Over Might Stumble At The First Jump

And Jenny knows about the problem, but is blithely telling us its all go, when it may well be all stop. The Pie shares a most interesting email. The old bird can reveal that Mayor Jenny Hill IS under investigation by Brisbane authorities for possible misconduct and watching all the fumbling inanities coming over the next 12 months in the run-up to local council elections is going to be more fun than watching a blind man trying to get out of a door knob factory. To that end, The Pie this week introduces a new occasional award, The Codswallop Cup. No shortage of contenders. Also, our new white ele sorry, stadium, has hit more turbulence as it rises from the mud and Lozza Lancini will not be a happy chappy. Bentley has a say on George Pells new lifestyle And our regular gallery from Trumpistan. First, Hot Of The Rumour Mill The most interesting rumour has just floated into the Nest. Its unverified (well duh, thats why its called a rumour) so well have to wait until the Astonisher plays catchup sometime this week. The Pie hears that the only two tenderers for the new stadiums ultra-lucrative catering contract , one being the incumbent Spotless and one being the Cowboys Leagues Club, have both been excluded for non compliant tenders to do with not paying award wages. So back to square one for the new stadium and where does that leave Spotless in the current stadium? For the answer, check the Astonisher around oh, say, next Friday, by when Lozza Lancini will have told iditor Jenna Cairney what she can say about this. Pell Mell Nothing has been quite as spectacular in the annals of fallen high flyers than that of George Pell, who has swapped his glittering Mardi Gras cardinals robes for prison drab, after being sent to chokey for six years (to serve 3 years and 8 months before eligible for parole) for what only be described as the most brazen, power-deluded child abuse imaginable. Indeed so brazen as to leave lingering doubts among some observers whether such things couldve happened as described, but an appeal will sort that out, after all, the jury knows things that we do not. Now Georgy Boy faces another biased jury his fellow inmates, a class of folk not known for their strict adherence to jurisprudence rules and who exercise their own summary justice according to their own morals and mythology. And Bentley reckons you never know who youre going to bump in in the Yard. And The Pie says to those who say the term is not enough, rest assured, for a man of Pells pomposity, ego and age, he has been handed a life sentence of one sort or another. One imagines there is one person who will give Judge Peter Kidd the thumbs up. Shifty Business Delivering on promises is a tricky business, especially when our mayor is in campaign mode. Today, we were offered this little bit of click bait. But when we went through to the story, what we got was this Uncanny how this is so ambiguous, like the Castle Hill upgrade itself. Now this is media sleight of hand at its clumsiest, making a highly speculative project sound like solid fact. Interesting because it simply that the TCC will start drawing up plans for what it would like to see at Mt Louisa and crucially for mayor Mullet is the quote: with construction expected by the end of the year. Community engagement started this week and will continue until the end of April. The Pie thought, well thats a nice idea, if conveniently timed to become a re-election boast, but hey, good for the huffnpuff crowd. Then this morning, (Sat) an email fluttered into the Nest. From Angela Sacilotto Councillor Jenny Hills grand plan for Mt Louisa is another political stunt with council elections due in March 2020. TCC do not own all of Mt Louisa. I own a 8 ha block right across the middle of the hill. I have told TCC I do not want to sell. Havent been able to verify Ms Sacilottos information, but she volunteered her contact details and phone number if The Pie wanted a chat about the matter (which for reasons well known to regular readers, is not a viable option since the recent operation.) But The Pie would guess there will be whole lot more to the meaning of community engagement when Mayor Mullet reads this. it is known that Jenny Hill does not like being crossed by people with legal rights who stand in the way of her grand visions, so this community engagement with Ms Sacilotto could involve nipple clamps, a car battery and wet towels . But That May Be The Least Of Her Problems Cant reveal too much at the moment, but our mayor is being officially investigated possible misconduct over her Adani links, particularly arising out of her trip to India. This will not be a revelation on her, because she has been informed of the issue by the Brisbane based investigating body, and what is officially termed overt inquiries are underway. Perhaps no biggy (but then again ) but not a great look for someone who once expressed her admiration for Ipswich Mayor Pisasale. What Dreams May Come, As Willy Shakespeare Once Said All this has led to The Magpie being told that Jenny, a Hitchcock fan, recently watched his classic The Birds, but when she went to bed, she had an horrific dream. Serves her right for throwing darts at a much loved and protected Australian species. THIS WEEKS CONTENDERS FOR THE CODSWALLOP CUP Its a crowded field. Cmon, Really? Cmon now, seriously Jenna Cairney? Is this all youve got? Listen, me dear old haggis-head, getting shocked by a menu may apply to a Korean doggy delicacy, a Vietnamese cockroach kebab or the price of a pie at the footy, but because this mob is adding burgers bloody good old Aussie burgers we Aussie snowflakes should be shocked? Do you not understand how insulting this advertorial pap is? One seriously has to question whether the decision makers who publish this clap trap have an IQ above room temperature. A Group Effort Where to start with this one, the inanity is of such magnitude that The Pie is tempted to inaugurate the Clusterfuck Cup as a separate category. This mind-blowing little corker of an idea is called the Palmer Street Precinct Activation project, and involves wait for it a bit of new lighting along the street, and a new sign saying hang on again Palmer Street. The plan was obviously to give re-election hopefuls a bit of sorely needed publicity (youd think on recent photographic evidence, Messagebank Walker and Ann-Maree Greaney are going steady). But for other reasons, the story raised both an eyebrow and a guffaw at the same time. Chef/restaurateur Matt Merrin, normally a sensible and successful man, made a right goof of himself when he (reportedly) told the paper the changes would transform Palmer Street into a world class destination. It will be something that visitors to Townsville can Instagram, take photos of and sell the message to the world. Its going to bring new investment back to Palmer Street (question: how does new investment come back?) Weve had many restaurants close over the last 12 months, this will inspire new restaurant owners and people to come back into Palmer Street and be part of the precinct it once was. A world class destination? Matt, a message from The Magpie, mate lay off the cooking sherry and exotic herbs before talking to the Astonisher (FFS, mate, youre even holding your glass crooked.) The story also informs us The dining strip received some upgrades during the preparations for the Commonwealth Games last year. Oh did it? Very similar upgrades in scale to the ones now proposed , as The Pie remembers. So in the year since that spruce up, two Palmer Street nose-baggeries have gone belly-up. But somehow, this one is going to usher in a new era? Hows that? But heres the best bit in the original story, Ann-Maree Greaney said the lighting would keep people, particularly women, safer that apparent admission that the council has allowed Palmer Street to operate without adequately safe lighting for years has now been removed from the story. What fucking planet are you from, you lot? Reporter Chris Lees, have you no dignity? Or sober judgement? Did TCC media gopfer Simpo Templeton have anything to do with this, its about his speed? Well, anyway Anthony, unlike the when at the Astonisher, at least in your TCC role you dont have to put your name to your cock-ups. 3. Off The Rails Then on Thursday, we had this little bit of fluffy irrelevancy. But no sooner had this flimsy kite taken to the sky, than the Astonisher itself cut the string on Friday with this: What city rail plan? There wasnt any, the original story was a campaigning thought-fart from the desperate Clr Jacob. Clever though, isnt it write bullshit one day and call it out as bullshit the next. Gotta luv the ol Astonisher. A Miscellaneous Magpie Whinge The Magpie is deliberately not talking about or seeking comment on the massacre in New Zealand, he has no words, certainly none that would contribute positively to this dark deed of pure evil. But coverage does prompt The Pie to vent about a favourite piece of nanny state demeaning idiocy can we please move away from the rubber-faced sign language person standing next to officials who are often making statements about deeply disturbing matters. Often signing involves grotesque and to the uninitiated completely inappropriate comical facial expressions. This presents the twin problems of distraction for the general audience and indignity for the subject of the media conference.The Pie doesnt know what the average deaf audience would be at any given time not many one would guess and yes, there are times like bushfire and flood updates where this information should be conveyed in this manner. But shit folks, heres a newsflash for more 60 years now, real time lower screen captioning has been available, or as all sports directors so slickly employ technology for a smaller, less distracting vision box to one corner. To currently give such a minority a so distracting and undignified presence is not necessary and lacks dignity, and disturbs concentration on what can be vital messages. Of course, nanny staters wont agree. Speaking Of The Nanny State Our evolving language, not always for the better, now features the term woke, as in are you woke to climate change? or any number of other social issues. It means are you alert to, but as so often happens, we too readily adopt the argot of the ill-educated as some sort expression of being cool and identifying with a group one wouldnt normally break bread with. The lovely thing about this nonsensical use of substitute language leaves it wide open for hysterically funny skewering and in this classic piss take Are You Woke? from a fed up Tracey Ullman. The Clock Is A-Ticking The Brexit imbroglio is increasingly hard to follow (or for The Pie, to care much about) but one of the cleverest pictorial comments the predicament of Theresa (dis)May(ed) comes from the Guardians Steve Bell. And More Of The Same From Trumpistan A lot of attention continues to surround the tumble of democrats eager to take on President Trumpet at the polls next year. And the interest has been heightened by someone not running. . The ducking, weaving and hilarity of the comments section runs 24/7, so give us of your best, folks. And if you like the blog, you can show your appreciation with some sorely needed financial support, the how to donate button is below. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/hard-going-getting-on-top-of-the-hill-the-mayors-magnificent-mount-louisa-make-over-might-stumble-at-the-first-jump/