#and when you're neglected and outcast and autistic it becomes impossible to be jamaican at all
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unfortunately i have the kind of autism that makes people have to explain things to me/i have to bounce my ideas around with people who know things before thoughts become anything for me
#when i did cape literature it was the first time i had actually read shakespeare in its like. original english dialect#and i would read the play on my own at home‚ not understand anything much less connect themes or anything#then go to school and sit in class while we read it and it would feel like i was reading it for the first time#much of my existing is masking like. pretending i know things i think i'm fr stupid at heart#<- i got away with a lot of this at school like i never spoke in patois i never wore braids my parents were still super helicopter-y#so i was generally unaware of like. school gossip or jamaican pop culture because at first i didn't have a phone and then later on#i straight up stopped caring about pretending to care about that stuff#i was pretty quiet but at the same time i had a lot of friends but didn't have a friend group etc etc#i Appeared like the perfect student so i got away w cheating on tests or not knowing stuff etc etc#especially towards the end of highschool when my depression got really bad and my overall average was in the 60s#very often i would submit assignments and tests thinking i got my point across perfectly or answered questions right according#to what i studied then id get the grades and commentary back and i fucking failed or something#so now whenever my profs or people in fandom r like you're so smart or you articulate your works very well i'm like What the fuck thank you#and it imprints in my brain forever because this is new to me#jamaican academia and jamaica in general is like so much about following roles than it is being a person#and when you're neglected and outcast and autistic it becomes impossible to be jamaican at all#and now people both here (jamaica) and in ghe us ask me shit like “wait you were born and puved in jamaica your whole life??”#it's. anyway#this post was originally about how i'm actually kind of stupid#*
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