#and when i say He is the ultimate Jedi i'm just continuing the quote

[trynot-moved]

@prequelsnet PREQUELS APPRECIATION WEEK: DAY 1 – PROTAGONISTS — Matthew Stover, Revenge of the Sith Novelization

[marsbarsfrommars]

if you need to be mean (be mean to me)

star wars: the high republic | rated t | complete | 2,661 words | avar kriss & elzar mann, a little avar kriss/elzar mann | hurt/comfort, angst, little bit of fluff

summary

“Are you alright?” he asks then, his voice gentle yet heavy with concern. It makes her want to scream at him and break down crying at the same time. She chooses the former. “Of course I'm not!” she snaps, whirling around to face him with so much force she nearly stumbles. “Starlight is lost at the bottom of the ocean, along with Stellan and Maru and so many others, and it's all my fault!”

or, a continuation of their argument in sos #2

read

under the cut or on ao3 for better formatting

notes

I told everyone who asked me to write more elvar (I'm incredibly honoured by that btw) that it would definitely take a while, but it hasn't even been a week so now I look like an idiot, but at least I have this for you

this one is dedicated to everyone on tumblr and ao3 who commented/liked/reblogged/left kudos on my last fanfic. your support means the world to me and is probably the reason I was able to finish this so fast

unfortunately, this is not as fluffy as the last one, but I really wanted to write this because I feel like we don't talk about avar's trauma regarding starlight and stellan's death enough. she deserves to let it all out and receive the comfort she needs.

I need to be real with you for a moment, though. I struggle with perfectionism, and that makes me really insecure about my writing, and while I try to overcome it, I have managed to convince myself that this is actually the worst thing ever written in the history of fanfiction. initially, I didn't want to post it at all, but I'm trying to overcome my perfectionism because it's actually pretty hard to get anything done like this, so I have forced myself to post it anyway. that is actually not at all relevant to the fanfic itself, but I needed to get this off my chest. anyways, I hope this isn't as bad as I think it is and you actually enjoy it

what avar and elzar say to each other during the first argument at the beginning of this will probably seem familiar to you because those are direct quotes from the comic. everything after that is written by me only.

also, english isn't my first language, so please just ignore any grammar/spelling mistakes

content warning for survivor's guilt, loss of a loved one (stellan in this case) and description of the start of a panic attack, but it's not more severe/graphic than in the books

“I am going into Nihil territory. I will find their leaders and bring them to justice,” she said when they fought that afternoon, the anger clear in her voice but not fully masking the still-audible edge of desperation.

Elzar looked taken aback. “Wait, you're leaving? After I just told you…” he hesitated then, like he just realised something. “Is that why? Because of what I did?”

It wasn't; of course it wasn't; she would never dream of leaving him because he had made a mistake. Normally, she would have explained herself and told him that she wanted to leave because of her own mistakes, not his, but she was too shaken up to properly explain herself, and he continued talking almost immediately.

“Or… is it something to do with us?”

“I can't make important decisions based on us, Elzar. I am a Jedi,” she answered, already turning on her heel and starting to walk away from him. “And so are you.”

She left him in their tent and went to help with the relief efforts until dusk, when the Eirami disaster relief workers told her to go and rest. She protested, of course, but they couldn't be persuaded to let her continue helping them.

She debated checking on the other Jedi, but she couldn't bring herself to face them at the moment. Ultimately, she decided to walk back to the refugee camp, hoping that Elzar wouldn't be in their tent. Out of all the people here, he was the one she wanted to see the least.

When Avar opens the door to the tent now, it's empty, and she lets out a breath of relief. Maybe I really should rest for a while, she thinks, even though deep down she knows she won't be able to, despite her tiredness. Nevertheless, she strips off her torn and singed cloak and washes her hands and face at the small sink in the corner.

Someone placed water and a small pile of ration bars on the low table between the bunks while she was away. Avar unwraps a bar and takes a bite. It tastes like nothing, like it always does, but unlike so many other times before, she's not bothered by it this time; she has no appetite anyways.

She takes another bite and lets her thoughts wander, almost desperately trying to avoid thinking of Stellan and Starlight. Amazingly enough, she succeeds. Instead, her thoughts travel back to Elzar and the argument they had this afternoon, which is only a marginally better thing to think about if she really intends to rest.

I can't make important decisions based on us, Elzar. I am a Jedi. And so are you, she told him and she meant it, she still means it. They are Jedi, after all. They can't put their feelings for each other above the wellbeing of the galaxy. Not that he had asked her too; he would never. Both of them believe in being Jedi too much for that.

Deep down, she knows that her desire to leave has nothing to do with them at all, and everything with her not being able to face her own failures. But it's easier to not think of that right now. Instead, she reminds herself that there is no them—there can't be, not like it's supposed to be, because they're Jedi and because Stellan is dead. They are a constellation missing a star, a composition with one note crossed out, an ocean devoid of life. They are forever incomplete. And there is nothing she can do to fix that. She has failed them all.

The pain manifests as a physical ache in her chest, and it becomes harder and harder to breathe. Before, Avar had hardly noticed the panic building up inside her, but now it threatens to overwhelm her. She clenches her trembling hands into fists and tries to breathe as deeply and evenly as possible. This is not supposed to happen to her. She is a Jedi; she doesn't let her emotions control her. She's not supposed to be overwhelmed by them or feel like she might die.

Avar tries to push the panic away, but the harder she tries, the worse it gets. Theoretically, she knows she has to calm herself, but it's hard to focus on anything but the fact that she can hardly breathe. Every single one of her senses is solely focused on the panic, until she abruptly senses something else—she expected him to return at some point, but she didn't expect that point to come so soon and even hoped to be gone by then. The shock snaps her out of the spiral she was threatening to go down and lets her focus on her breathing until she feels the panic subside. It's still there, but it's less overwhelming now.

She feels Elzar's presence before she hears the door open. At least one thing is still the same. He pauses at the open door, and there's a moment where neither of them say anything. Avar thinks he might just turn around and leave again, but he doesn't. Instead, he closes the door behind himself and walks over to her, stopping a few steps behind her. “Are you alright?” he asks then, his voice gentle yet heavy with concern. It makes her want to scream at him and break down crying at the same time. She chooses the former.

“Of course I'm not!” she snaps, whirling around to face him with so much force she nearly stumbles. “Starlight is lost at the bottom of the ocean, along with Stellan and Maru and so many others, and it's all my fault!”

He doesn't seem taken aback by her anger. A part of her wishes he was, wishes he would shout back. He doesn't. His voice remains gentle when he shakes his head and says, “It's not, Avar. I said this earlier too, but you can't put all the weight on yourself. I know you blame yourself, but no one else does, I promise you.”

“And how would you know that?” Her voice is raised and full of anger, she's almost shouting. It's unnecessarily mean, she knows that. Elzar is just as hurt as she is, he doesn't deserve to be the target of her rage at all, but he's here right now, and the anger is simmering hot beneath her skin. She knows she shouldn't give into it, but she's afraid of what will be left once the rage is gone.

“I know,” he responds, still infuriatingly calm, “because everyone out there has made mistakes as well, and some of those mistakes have set something in motion that got people hurt in the end, but no one blames them for that. How could they? Making a mistake that gives people who want to harm others the opportunity to do so doesn't make you wholly responsible for the harm caused. Sometimes it doesn't make you responsible at all.”

He's right. She knows he's right, but she can't quiet the song of fault and failure the Force has been singing to her all day. It's as overwhelming as the panic had been before.

Elzar continues talking. “Yes, you've made mistakes that indirectly led to all this happening, but so did I, so did Stellan, so did the Council, so did the Chancellor, and so did lot's and lot's of other people. But in the end, it's the Nihil alone who blew up Starlight. They caused all of this. They are to blame for all the deaths and all the hurt.”

He still sounds calm, but there's a clear edge of desperation in his voice now. “I know it's hard to accept that no one else blames you, when you blame yourself.” He doesn't say, I blame myself, too, doesn't say, If you blame anyone but the Nihil, it should be me, doesn't say, Logically, I know what I said is true, but I won't stop thinking it's all my fault, but she knows anyways. Normally, she would try to comfort him, like he's trying for her now, but she is unable to comfort anyone right now, not even herself.

“But I need you to know that the galaxy doesn't blame you, Avar. I don't blame you, and I know that Stellan doesn't-, didn't… that he didn't either.”

And that's what makes her tip over the edge she has been so precariously balancing on. “You have no idea what Stellan thinks of me or if he would blame me!” She's definitely shouting now. “The last thing we ever did was fight! It's the only thing we've done the past year, and now Stellan is dead and I can't ever tell him that I'm sorry and that I didn't mean any of it and that he will always be my best friend and that I… that I…” her voice breaks, effectively interrupting her rambling outburst. She has to take a deep, shaky breath before continuing, only to find that she can't. At last, her voice has failed too. That's when all the emotions she had been so carefully pushing down finally spill over and she just breaks down.

Elzar is there to catch her. He takes two quick steps forward and wraps his arms around her. Avar allows him to pull her close and clings to him like a lifeline. She buries her face against his shoulder and starts sobbing uncontrollably. He holds her for what feels like hours and lets her cry for as long and as hard as she needs to, while gently caressing her back and occasionally stroking her hair.

Eventually, the tears stop coming, and her breathing steadies enough to allow her to speak again. She pulls away slowly, not enough to create any real distance between them, but just enough to look him in the eyes. Elzar’s been crying too, she realises. His face is stained with tears, and his eyes are just as red as hers probably are. She brings one hand up to cup his face and he leans into it like it's instinct.

Avar leans her forehead against his and closes her eyes. They’re so close now that they are sharing breaths. She can't remember the last time they've been this close to each other. She missed this; she missed him.

“I'm sorry I yelled at you,” she whispers, her voice hoarse from all the crying. “It's just… I miss Stellan. I miss him so much, and I can't stop blaming myself for Starlight and for never apologising to him.”

“It's alright, I understand. I miss him too.” Elzar's whispering too, his voice as hoarse as hers. “And I know that he didn't blame you—he would never. He wanted to apologise and make things right with you. He missed you, Avar, and he wasn't angry with you in the end.”

She had thought she physically couldn't cry anymore, but she feels the telltale pressure of tears behind her eyes return at his words. “If he didn't blame me, he didn't blame you either, El.” It’s the only thing she manages to say before she has to bury her face against his shoulder, as her body is once again wracked by sobs. Elzar is crying too, she can tell by the way he's trembling in her embrace.

She doesn't have to question if what he told her is true or not; he wouldn't lie to her, she knows that. She also knows that he believes what she told him. It makes everything a little better. Still, neither of them will stop blaming themselves. Starlight is still gone, and Stellan is still dead, and there is nothing they can do to change that. The grief is something they have to accept and work through, as is the Jedi way. And as much as each of them wants the other to be okay, it's not something they can offer one another. Elzar and her—they're as broken as the song of the Force and all they can do is hold each other so they don't fall apart. It's a painful realisation, but Avar is grateful for it nonetheless. It's better than the panic or the anger.

It's then that she truly realises how tired she is. Her body feels heavy with exhaustion, and she doesn't think she can stay on her feet a moment longer without collapsing. “I think we should try to sleep,” she tells him.

Elzar nods. “Yeah, we should. I can go and find another tent if you-”

“No,” she interrupts him firmly. She doesn't want to be alone tonight, not anymore, and she imagines he doesn't either.

“Alright,” he answers, and Avar can hear the relief in his voice.

They pull away from each other fully, and while she toes off her boots and takes off her belt, outer tunic, and gloves, Elzar strips off his cloak and washes his hands and face like she had done earlier tonight. He takes off his boots, belt, and outer tunic as well, but leaves his gloves on, which should strike her as odd, but she's too tired to even question it right now.

They sit down on the edges of their respective bunks, facing each other. After everything, the physical distance between them feels too far like this. It's something both of them know, but neither is brave enough to address in fear of overstepping the boundaries they've so carefully drawn up between them. It's not something Avar can deal with tonight, she decides. So she walks over to him, sidestepping the low table, until she's standing right in front of him and he's looking up at her. There is a question in his gaze, he doesn't dare assume anything. She cups his face again, this time with both hands, to reassure him and because she wants to.

“El,” she whispers his name. There's more she had planned to say, but all the words are wiped from her head when his hands find her hips. This doesn't need to be discussed; they understand each other just fine without words. He gently squeezes her hips before letting go and scooting back on the narrow bunk. She climbs in beside him. It's clearly not made for two adult humans to comfortably sleep next to each other, but they make it work. They lie down side by side, faces turned to each other, and Elzar pulls the blanket over both of them. They don't speak, both of them are too exhausted to have a conversation.

Elzar softly brushes his lips against her forehead in lieu of saying good night, and she presses her hand against his chest, right over his heart.

They fall asleep like this. Lying on their sides, facing each other, arms slung over waists and legs intertwined. It's a surprisingly deep and restful sleep considering the events of the day. For a moment, it feels like maybe they'll be okay after all.

In the end, though, that night changes very little in the grand scheme of things. Avar still leaves in the morning. She wakes before he does and slips out of his arms and the bunk as quietly as possible. As much as it hurts her to leave Elzar like this, she knows in her heart that she can't go back to Coruscant. She can't face her own failures, so she tells herself someone needs to be out there fighting the Nihil and runs, even if she hates herself for it a little.

(Six days later, the Stormwall goes up and she's trapped in the Occlusion Zone with no way home. Three hundred seventy-six days later, she finally hears Elzar's message and his words make her sob once again. Three hundred and seventy-eight days after she left him on Eiram, she steps into the Council Chambers in the Temple on Coruscant and he's there. It takes her three hundred seventy-eight days to find her way home, but she gets there in the end.)

[r-2-peepoo]

Did Obi Wan really vote to kick Ahsoka out of the Jedi Order???

All of these things that are wrapped up in Ahsoka’s story, which ultimately make her realize what the audience realizes. “I love the Jedi Order. They’re very important to me, I’ve always respected them. But there’s something wrong here, and I need to walk away from it to assess it.” -Dave Filoni on Ahsoka walking away from the Order.

(Full Quote at the bottom.)

For anyone who doesn’t want to read my ramblings, the answer is NO. You may now continue scrolling. <3

There’s this weird idea I’ve seen showing up over and over mainly in the comments of tiktok edits of Ahsoka and Idk if it’s just one person and I’m just on a very niche part of Star Wars edit tiktok but it’s bothering me so I want to say this for anyone who may have seen this misinformation:

Absolutely nowhere has it been definitively stated that Obi Wan voted in favour of expelling Ahsoka from the Order.

You are more than welcome to speculate but it is not a proven fact so let’s not lie to fans who potentially aren’t aware of that.

This arc in general bothers me, not because I’m a biased Obi Wan fan who thinks he can do no wrong (quite the opposite in fact), but because I do think it could’ve been written better or at least in more detail. I know Dave claimed otherwise but I don’t believe that it would exist if not to explain why Ahsoka wasn’t in Revenge of the Sith. It was necessary, I love how dramatic it is, but I could also live without it. That's just my opinion though.

Did Obi Wan do as much as he could to help Ahsoka? No. That is a fact. Neither did Plo and those are two people who are meant to be in her corner. It’s super disappointing to watch but it’s also not out of character which is a strength of the arc. People you care about can and will disappoint you which is just a fact of life and understanding that is a vital part of growing up. It’s an uncomfortable truth and it would be cool to know more about Ahsoka's perspective on this considering how young she was when this happened.

Furthermore, people rarely seem to consider the perspective of the council. The public is losing faith in the Jedi (for understandable reasons). Not to mention that people were killed in the bombing and they deserve justice. Like it or not, there was evidence placing Ahsoka at the scene. We know she would never do it. Anakin and Padmé know. Certain members of the council definitely know. However, it would go against the council’s beliefs, and would be wrong for them to bend the legal system to protect one of their own. As nice as it would be, it would only end up making things worse not just for the reputation of the Order but for Ahsoka herself too. She would still be a suspect and to outsiders, she would look guilty, so the council has to follow the legal system. Doing anything else would only amplify the spotlight on her. That doesn’t invalidate her reaction at all, in fact, her reaction is the most compelling part in my opinion. It would, however, be interesting to know what she thinks about it when she’s older though because her views on the Jedi are far from black and white.

I'm also of the view that Palpatine and the Senate did the majority of the damage. If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's fuck Palpatine.

When I first saw this arc, my heart sank to see Obi Wan and Plo not giving Ahsoka their full support and it still does make me sad but after reading Dave’s full quote on the issue and reflecting on it more, I understand. Can’t say I’d do the same as I’d probably end up more like Anakin but it was the best thing to do considering the council’s position and the information they had at the time. Not to mention it’s heavily implied through what Dave said and just from watching the show and knowing these characters that the people most likely to vote to save Ahsoka are Yoda, Plo and Obi Wan.

Also let's talk about Obi Wan's reaction to Ahsoka leaving because that shit broke me. He's usually so restrained and composed so Plo having to stop him from going after her and Anakin is a huge deal. I'd love to know what that confrontation would've looked like.

Star Wars characters’ strengths lie in that not a single one of them is a perfect person. It’s what makes them so interesting. Manipulating the narrative to make certain people look like more of a victim and others look worse just picks holes in the story and does a disservice to both the character being victimised and the character being vilified. Ahsoka looks back on her time as a Jedi and misses it and always intended to come back eventually. She didn’t hate them. It would be uncharacteristic of her if she did and Obi Wan was someone who really meant a great deal to her, ever after this arc.

-

Finally, here is everything Dave said on the matter:

“Then at the beginning of the last arc [of Season Five], she basically saves Anakin the way Anakin would’ve always saved her in the past. And Anakin’s unconscious, he’s like, “What happened?” She says, “I saved your life, don’t worry about it.” It’s fun and he laughs about it then, and he’s not embarrassed by it. They’re a team. So we get them to that moment and then we put a ton of pressure on it.

And through the whole trial, Anakin is the only one that stays 100 percent in her court.

I think Plo Koon stays 75-80 percent of the way in her court because he says, “I don’t believe she could’ve fallen so low.”

In Obi-Wan we really see the Jedi because he is compromised. Obi-Wan doesn’t believe Ahsoka is guilty of these crimes, but he has a very hard time arguing politically that the Jedi Council shouldn’t do what they do to her. He trusts in the Force, which is what they love to say when they don’t know what they’re doing, and they expel her. He can’t argue the logic. He doesn’t like Tarkin’s logic [but he can’t argue] that they can’t try her within the Jedi because the public, which we show in this episode arc, who are losing faith in the Jedi, would cry foul ball. “How can you put her on trial? Of course you’ll find her innocent. She’s a Jedi and you’re a Jedi.” So they expose themselves, and we see how they’re exposed.

All of these things that are wrapped up in Ahsoka’s story, which ultimately make her realize what the audience realizes. “I love the Jedi Order. They’re very important to me, I’ve always respected them. But there’s something wrong here, and I need to walk away from it to assess it.” It all feeds into Revenge of the Sith when the chancellor says, “The Jedi have just made an attempt on my life.” When you see these four episodes, I think you have a better understanding of how he gets away with all of that, because you see how compromised the Jedi Council is. And these episodes aren’t just meant to get Ahsoka on her way, but they’re meant to explain in more detail the scene [in Revenge of the Sith] where Yoda, Mace, and Ki-Adi-Mundi are discussing arresting the chancellor, and what a gamble that’s going to be for them. Because you see that to the average Coruscant citizen who’s not impressed with this war or the Jedi anymore, they’ll see it as treason. It’s probably the arc that connects to the movies the most and has the most impact. I think that’s why it works on so many levels for me and is one of my favorite arcs, because it’s such a companion piece to the films.”

[kckenobi]

It's fascinating to me to see how Padmé is portrayed as this good and just character (and maybe she is!), but by the end of RotS, she knows of TWO genocides that Anakin's responsible for AND he just tried to choke her to death a day ago, without any regard for the safety of their children, and STILL she's like "there's still good in him". I'm all for nuanced characters and she certainly is, so it's kind of baffling to see the takes like "maybe if she'd lived, Anakin would've turned back:"

hello!! I am slightly confused by the wording of this so forgive me if I totally misinterpret, but I'll do my best to respond!

As far as like, Padmé being portrayed as good and just while also having faith in Anakin while he literally and repeatedly goes off the deep end, I think what's interesting is that everyone is so contradictory and flawed. Anakin, obviously, is a hot mess of conflicting good and bad qualities, the latter of which ultimately doom him. Padmé is an idealistic young person, both to her benefit and her fault too.

And in the way of that contradiction, you can love someone and still know they're deeply flawed. Or know it but try not to see that they're deeply flawed. In the ROTS novelization, there's a scene where some senators meet at Padmé's apartment because they recognize that something is amiss, and when it's suggested that they get the jedi involved, one of the senators asks whether the jedi are even trustworthy. Padmé responds by saying that there's one jedi she knows she can trust--then realizes she's not talking about Anakin, but Obi-Wan.

So she knows she can't trust Anakin, even before things really go south. She recognizes the instability in him, but also knows that it's caused by the conflict of fear and anger and love.

Anakin starts his turn to Vader out an unhealthy of fear of loss—a willingness to do anything to save her. But he continues to choose darkness because he feels like there is no other way—even after Padmé is gone, and there's nothing left for him to lose, he sees himself as being unredeemable now, so he doesn't even try. I actually just saw this quote on my dash today from George Lucas, where he says "It’s the one moment that says he’s self-aware that he’s rationalizing all his behavior. He’s doing terrible things, but in the end he really knows the truth. He knows that he’s evil now, and there’s nothing he can do about it. I mean, that’s really the moment where the I think the pathos of him getting stuck in that suit is real, ‘cause… if he had to do it over, he probably wouldn’t do it, but he can’t stop it now."

I think her "there's still good in him" line is true, because he is a person who's committed terrible, appalling atrocities. He also hates himself for having done them. And yet that's not enough to make him stop. He is evil and terrible and sad and grieving and, at one time, loyal and good and in love. He is a contradiction. There is good and evil in him. He chose to act upon and become the evil.

There's a quote from Stephen king (sorry I'm also quoting Stephen king whoops) about writing, and how honest writing acknowledges "the fact, let us say, that murderers sometimes help old ladies cross the street," that people are not entirely one thing or the other. Both Padmé and Anakin make contradictory choices and have conflicting forces and traits within themselves. And I feel like that's part of what makes the whole prequel trilogy interesting, and tragic, and real.

I'm not sure if that really answered what you were saying at all, so sorry if I missed the mark! But basically I guess—people are complicated. Even evil ones!