#and today i've literally done nothing productive at all either and i hate myself for it

[asavapatr]

🫠

[dzpenumbra]

3/17/23

I was having a pretty good productive day today. All it took was... getting excited about Habanero cheese... and it started falling apart.

This is so annoying. I hate how razor's edge the difference between a good day and a frustrating day is.

I did yoga and meditated, which was good and helpful. I did dishes, I ate some food. I started brainstorming my stream stuff. I have a nice mic that I've been using for streaming... I mean... it's over 7 years old now... but who's counting, right? -_- It still gets the job done though, but my mic stand is cheap and once I get it set up I really don't like moving it. And... for art streams... I'm going to have to move it. I really just don't have a choice, that table is like 7 feet away. It's either that or not have a mic. Or get a new mic, but that shit ain't cheap.

And even now... I just... I get hit by a wave of depression thinking about streaming. I feel like no one engages, like no one really looks forward to it. It just feels very strongly like I'm background noise for people. Which... I guess that's kinda what streaming is for a lot of people. Maybe I'm just getting a bit greedy on it. Wanting friends. Wanting social interaction, social engagement.

I might as well get into this. The guy who used to be one of my biggest fans during my Rimworld YT series back in like 2020 (ouch, time files, huh...), he dropped by. It's the third stream of this colony, half an in-game year has already gone by. He drops in and says like 3 words. And is silent until he leaves. Fun. Guess the thrill is gone, eh?

I was really enjoying the story in this new playthrough. And some really dramatic shit happened, and I just... barely got a reaction. Like half the fucking colony died and no one really cared. And it's really goddamn hard to be excited about something in an interactive medium when people don't really care. It took the wind out of my sails a lot. I noticed myself narrating less. Treating it more like a game than a story. I cut myself off. I cut the game short and switched over to Session, which was like taking the interactivity of the stream behind the shed and putting it out of its misery. But I enjoyed Session, which is really the most important part, I think.

I'm still really grumpy about that. Like... all I want to do is just share my life with people, to have friends and share something I find fun. I come from an upbringing where friends would come over and watch you play games, or you would go over to their place and watch them, and the only thing you're doing is watching. And you're really engaged. And when I watch streams, I'm either working on art with the keyboard nearby to interact... or I'm just full-on watching the stream. But it seems like the guys who watch my stream just put me on in the background while they are playing games themselves. Like... this guy is playing Destiny 2 with a party, and has my stream on in the background. You really think he's absorbing the story? You really think he's invested in the characters? This is someone who goes out to the movies and is playing Candy Crush on their phone the whole time.

On one hand, I feel I should be grateful anyone is showing up. And, in a lot of ways... I am. It is better than streaming to no one. But it just... sucks. And I feel like I should be honest about that. Nothing is really more alienating than to have something you're really really passionate about... and no one to share it with.

The big thing that set off the tone shift in the day though... was the Habanero cheese. Yeah, I found my way back there. I have to do grocery deliveries now, on account of the whole "not having a car" thing. The grocery store is garbage at keeping up with the stock in their store. I have no fucking clue how... since they literally have every individual item scanned into a machine as it's brought out of the store... I have no fucking clue how they can't keep their inventory stocks organized and updated... Like... good lord... it's 2023, how the fuck do you not know what is on your shelves? So... pretty much every time I order Instacart groceries, there are substitutions or refunds. And I had a whole plan for tonight. I saw habanero cheese and I got really excited, and I had a whole plan to cook the potato skins I've been saving in the fridge from the other night, mixing that habanero cheddar with some smoked cheddar I have... I was pretty stoked for that, some cheesy rice on the side, maybe some chicken with it. And then, after like 4 substitutions... the lady is at the end of shopping and just straight up refunds the habanero cheese... and I'm typing in the chat "hey, if you can't find the habanero cheese, go check in the produce section by the deli meats and shit, there's a display case there, it should be there... and if not, please just grab me some pepper jack." And I got like 6 words into that and the jerk closed the order and went to checkout. Like straight up ended the order mid-sentence on me. And I'm giving this person like 17 bucks to drive this shit 1.3 miles from the grocery store to my apartment. That's not too shabby for like... half an hour, 45 minutes of grocery shopping, man. That... really threw me. It really upset me.

I got myself Chinese food to make up for it, but the night was just really thrown off. And the Chinese food wasn't that great tonight. I just... I'm trying really hard to keep positive momentum, but it's so damn hard to do that in an isolation chamber. Getting a "sorry for your loss" letter from the Animal Hospital didn't help either. I mean, the thought was nice, the gesture was nice... but... it's also kind of a token gesture. I appreciated the phone call from my vet who actually knew her... more than the signatures of like 6 people who never met her or me. But yeah, just... bringing that back it... it was tough. Like... ever since the sun went down it's been a bit rough.

So yeah. Doing my best with all that.

I feel stupid. I've been through so much shit lately... and this is what I'm getting upset about. Cheese... and distracted nerds who don't value the entertainment I'm providing. I just... stream-wise, you know I'm still stuck on that. I feel like I could be doing something better. I do. I know I'm just antsy or whatever... I just... I feel like I should be doing art. And art and music streams are just the only shit I can't do right now, because I don't have the shit set up.

Here's the run down. My notes I took today:

GAMES Rimworld - Load and go Session - New controller, ideally

WORK Music - Map the audio routing, test if you can just capture desktop audio and monitor through Cubase. Take a day and troubleshoot. - Set up Magic preset to make visuals a bit more engaging. Make sure audio routing works with that too, since they might compete for ASIO use. - Audio routing is an absolute bitch.

Art - Set up webcam and stand. - Check if second mic is here. If so, brainstorm a setup. - If not, brainstorm a new mic setup, or… I hate to say this… move the current mic over there for art streams. It's gonna be annoying as fuck, but it's the easiest solution right now.

STREAM CONTENT Music - Right now, I can do programmed music in Ableton. Pretty sure, might wanna test it. Audio drivers are the real variable. - Find and add more OST music to the playlist for Rimworld streams, it's working so far. - Consider listening to bands from Deathwish and other smaller labels.

So yeah, that's sorta where I'm at with that, I guess. Any moron thinking streaming is as easy as just pressing a button clearly hasn't put in the effort of setting up something with decent production value. Especially with makeshift equipment. Especially when it comes to audio routing. Good. Fucking. Lord. What I would give to never have to watch another fucking YouTube video about audio routing for OBS or Cubase. I have been recording music off and on since I was like 17... and I still fucking nod off every time drivers and ports and routing and blah blah blah. AGH. My life would be so much easier if it didn't bore me!

The same goes for this art idea from last year that has come back to haunt me. And it really won't leave me alone. No idea if I shared it last night, I might as well now. The idea was to create a completely custom coded from-scratch rudimentary organism. A thing. A thing that can move, and see, and choose where to move based on sight. Very basic. A thing - like a single-celled organism - that is capable of moving, that can see in a range front of it with a photoreceptor, that can discern from... let's say to start the average light level of the area in front of it... which way to move. Like a Roomba. Life. Something that makes its own decisions within the parameters given to it. Intelligence. Artificial Intelligence.

Wow, I actually got some clarity. My older brother is really into languages and computer stuff. He might be able to help me code this stuff. I can figure out the logic chains, and I know exactly what I want this thing to do. I just need help with like... translating it into coding language. That's where I was going with it. I learned a bunch, enough to make organisms that could randomly move around on their own last year. But just to random locations, not specifically choosing based on environmental parameters, which is what I want. If my brother could help, that would be insane. But... he has a very young son. And a young hyper dog. And is basically co-running the severely understaffed family business. I doubt he'd be able to make the time even if he wanted to.

Ugh.

Welp, the ultimate idea is this, and I can see it in my damn head it's so clear. I want these organisms to function off of sight or smell, or both - at least analogs for those senses. I want this thing to avoid the boundaries of the simulated world. I want it to avoid collision obstacles. I want it to seek areas of high nutrition density. And I want it to leave a path behind for others to follow starting when it has identified a food source, which will diffuse and fade over time, a pheromone trail. I basically want to create an input map of nutrition nodes, and track the creatures' desire paths.

I want to make art out of desire paths. That's the big thing at the core of it. Maybe all this AI stuff is convoluted, maybe it's my way of simulating something we already have... real fucking life. Desire paths have fascinated me for so long. Maybe it's just being on the trails out in the woods, and exploring off-trail and finding deer trails and shit, and seeing which paths they like to take. I used to like blazing trails in Minecraft too. The concept is really alluring to me, very interesting, and very beautiful how they are some weird fusion of manmade and natural. Like... sometimes the difference between manmade desire paths and natural ones is almost indiscernible. And I think they're really beautiful.

And I've had these patterns in my head for so long of like... nodes... with paths leading between the nodes. Every path a bit different from the last. I've probably already written about this, I'm just... really enraptured right now and want to keep it in my head. Like if you look at Google Maps of a city, one with a pretty organic layout, if you just disregard the grid shit we do in cities because otherwise every major city would be like Boston... XD Maybe a town is a better example. If you really zoom out, you see a concentrated area in the center, a concentration of Life. And the winding paths to get there. And to leave there. Almost like an organically shaped spiderweb. And... I don't know. Something about those patterns keeps calling to me.

I really wanted to code AI and have them draw these randomly influenced individual paths towards nodes and between nodes. I really thought it would be a cool concept. But the work involved. The learning. Learning code, when I'm not 100% fully into it... it literally makes me nod off. It's not that I don't care, I just... can't get it. It just frustrates me. It's like... all these extra fucking steps! And, with this project at least, I'm tempted to just get a big piece of brown paper, tape it to the wall and just draw these fucking paths myself with a pen. And I might. I might just take a day and do that and see how it comes out. I just... I really wanted to find a way to choreograph this where I wasn't able to influence the level of randomness. Because, intuitively, I'm going to add some bias for aesthetics... which completely fucks up the concept. The concept is that the individual that is taking each individual journey (i.e. the roller ball in the ballpoint pen, or the AI cell) has no real idea of what their macro journey looks like from a birds-eye view. The only see what's right in front of them. They see their immediate goals. They see where they are heading, they see their immediate choices of forward, right, left, go, stop. They see whether this area is travelled or not, whether it's safe or not, whether it's passable or not. I see the paths others have taken. I see their entire path so far. And I see the patterns and the trends. So if I am controlling that pen? It's going to be really hard to force myself to tunnel-vision on --- Holy fuck. I got it. I figured it out.

Digital art. That's it. That's how I can hand-draw this. I can do each journey, each individual "hike" or "walk" or "journey" through whatever map I put them on... I can do each one as a different layer. And turn off all the other layers when it's time to go. So that they're not influenced by the one before. Oh shit, it's coming together. So... I can check after and overlap them... and when areas overlap say... 5 times? 5 different travelers overlap one specific area? Make that visible on the main map for other new travelers to see. So a trail starts naturally forming in that area. And people are definitely drawn towards traveled areas, so if a traveler is passing an established path, and it's heading the direction they are going... it makes sense that they would use it. Like... we would all walk on the shoulder of a road rather than straight through the woods as the crow flies, because even if the cleared path is a longer distance, it still goes faster and easier, and safer.

That could be a good solution. Hm... Worth experimenting with. That would be pretty easy. I just need to set out parameters. A map with distinct landmarks - points of interest (destinations), impassable areas, we'll start with that - and a bus stop route for each traveler. Maybe just roll a d20 to pick each stop. That could be cool.

I love inspiration. More than that, I really love capturing it like I did right here. Seriously, it was like a lightning bolt, it just came together. My brain does this constantly, I can't turn it off. Unless I'm super depressed and distracted, like... the first half of this... XD I love my gift, I just... it can be very frustrating to lack the tools to make some of these ideas... or to lack the training and not be able to pursue it properly... and even more so to actually complete them and then... have them go nowhere.

But I'm not going to tarnish this glow with any more of that shit. That was a great vibe to end on. I'm going to put this project on my whiteboard and make sure I take sometime to prototype it tomorrow. I can very easily do this on stream. That could be a nice way of just chilling and making fun process-based art, and sharing the process with anyone who wants to come chill.

[diavolosthots]

Hey dear! I hope that you have a good time! I want to make a request, but please delete it if you don't feel like doing it.

I saved that request in the notes and been waiting for you to open them 😊

For request

First fight with brother (any of your choice) and one of them (I mean MC or that brother) thinks that it's end of relationship (because never had anything serious), but they reconciled in the end. I want some heavy angst with happy ending. MC can be GN if that is OK.

If you don't mind you can do for Mammon, but feel free to choose another one if you don't feel like write for him. Or if that would be better to write as headcanons for all the brothers. That's up to you!

I haven't been doing requests for ages. Please don't hate me if there is something wrong! I've read the rules, and I hope I haven't missed anything.

Anyway, sorry for long ask. And thank you for your writings!

(I forgot to look if you did anything similar, and remembered it at the end of writing that ask. Sorry if you already did something like that!)

Hey babes ❤ I did end up doing HCs for all of them because I thought it would be cooler (or more like I know someone is gonna request separate fics for all of them if I dont and I'm saving myself that trouble lol) I still hope you like it ! ❤ also this got SUPER LONG so its under a cut

Warning: angst -> happy ending-ish

THE BROTHERS in a fight with MC and thinking that they’re over (yikes)

Lucifer:

Everyone always says Lucifer is quick to lose his cool but he’s honestly been nothing but patient with you. He may have hinted at several things he doesn’t condone and he definitely has that ‘look’, you know the disappointed dad look, but he has held back a lot so as to not ruin the beautiful relationship you have with him. Everyone snaps, though, and when he finally did, it was ugly. He did NOT call you names, but oh he didn’t. He went straight for your feelings and pointed out every mistake you ever made for as long as he’s known you. Ouch. In his defense, you weren’t nice either. The argument ended nasty and ‘I hate you’s!’ were definitely thrown around, but none of them were meant, right? Goodness, he doesn’t know. After you left, he threw himself on his bed, literally, and just stared at the ceiling. His anger slowly fled away and he began to feel… guilty. Not necessarily because of the argument itself, but because he delivered some low blows and he knows that. Are you over? Done with him? You haven’t texted or called or talked… you’ve been actively avoiding him and he doesn’t like that, but his pride is such an issue, goodness. He can’t straight up apologize, that dickhead, but he’s sending you flowers and standing in front of your door with a sad face that says it all. 

“Forgive me? I made reservations at your favorite’s? We can talk over a nice dinner?” 

Mammon:

Mammon is known to get mildly agitated over the silliest things, let’s be real. He’s also quick to revert to the “are you dumb?!” argument, which is never effective. But he loves you and he would do anything for you so even if you do do something that he deems ‘dumb’, he usually bites his tongue. Doesn’t mean that doesn’t get on his nerves, though, and he definitely has a short temper, although people tend to overlook that. You just managed to push his buttons today and he used the “are ya stupid?!” argument, to which you obviously defended yourself, and rightfully so. This ended in a massive screaming match and him saying “Then leave! Ain’t nobody keepin’ ya with me!” He regretted it the minute those words left his mouth and you could see his eyes grow wide in shock at his own words, but that didn’t mean you stayed. “MC!” he tried running after you immediately but you were faster and honestly, who can blame you? He fucked up, and he knows it, and he feels terrible about it. Honestly, he’s crying just at the mere thought of you taking his words seriously and he can’t… he can’t bear to lose you, you know? What’s he gonna do? You’re the light of his life, as pathetic as that may sound to some…. So he won’t let you run away. Homie will hunt you down and beg for forgiveness. 

“Please, MC! Forgive me! I’m dumb, not you!!! Don’t leave me…” Don’t leave him. He will continue crying. 

Leviathan:

His constant need to put himself down is frankly, quite annoying. To you anyway. But you put up with it and just reassure him that, at least to you, he’s the most amazing demon that ever existed. It’s just facts. But a person only has so much patience, right? You can’t always spend your days trying to lift him up when all he does is dig himself a bigger hole. Who has the emotional time for that? You sure don’t. “Oh my God, Levi! Shut up! I can’t take it anymore!” Followed by “See! You’re just like everyone else! Leaving me!” and then you slamming the door to his room shut. It’s frustrating and understandably so. It makes you feel awful that you can’t even make your own boyfriend feel good about himself and get at least a little bit of self confidence and it’s so, so, so very draining to have to constantly listen to that. At this point, it’s affecting your own mental health and you just… you just can’t…. But Levi can’t lose you because he knows you’re right. He has to work on himself if he wants to keep someone as amazing as you with him and that’s why he’s crawling back to you now. 

“Look I… I know you’re right… I’m sorry. I promise I’ll … I’ll try. For you.”

Satan:

For being the Avatar of Wrath, you always admired Satan for his ability to keep cool. He prefers the relaxed and easy going life much more than the type of life people expect him to live, and you respect that. That doesn’t mean his constant need to one up Lucifer, through whatever means necessary, didn’t bother the hell out of you, though. You tried talking to him about it once or twice in a calm manner, but you always got the same answer “Pfft.. it’s Lucifer. Who cares?” And it never sat right with you. Just today he decided to pull a prank on the eldest and you had enough, standing in front of Lucifer and letting the bucket of cursed green slime land on you instead, to everyone’s shock. “What are you doing?!” Now that you’re thoroughly green from head to toe, you were also beyond pissed. “What am I doing?! What are YOU doing?!” But Satan matched your anger tenfold, accusing you of favoring Lucifer over him and oh! “You probably got an affair with him, too!” Which was a stupid thing on his part, but it looked like it the way you defended him. Anger doesn’t even begin to describe the emotion you felt running through you and had it not been for Lucifer, you probably would’ve physically fought Satan for such a dumb accusation. Lucifer took you to get cleaned up and lifted the course, giving you your natural skin and hair color back within a few days and plenty of scrubbing, and Satan felt like shit. You’ve always been there for him and, rationally speaking, he didn’t have a reason to doubt your loyalty to him, but he just can’t help but feel insecure beside Lucifer…. He decides to come apologize anyway, a deep blush on his face and guilt in his eyes 

“I’m�� sorry for accusing you. It wasn’t my right to speak out of anger and jealousy…” 

Asmodeus:

How can anyone fight with the Avatar of Lust? Seriously, the guy is super easy going and he loves pretty much everyone. Not as much as himself, but almost. You on the other hand… you didn’t. Well you didn’t NOT love him or yourself, but you were just… you. You didn’t spend 4+ hours in the bathroom trying to get ready when you knew you were only going to the kitchen down the stairs. Like?? Although you never brought it up to Asmodeus, he constantly bothered you about skincare and what foods to eat and what not to eat, etc… It’s quite annoying, honestly, and at some point you just gave him a passive aggressive “Okay, whatever. Can we move on now?” To which he didn’t take lightly. He was still nice and sweet, trying to convince you that at least one of these things will make your skin glow brighter than a unicorn’s ass but you just had enough. “Can you stop?! You’re indirectly saying I’m ugly without that shit ton of product in my face and a diet that would make me starve before it helped me! If you want a skinny VS angel that barely holds onto their skeleton, get one!” It was more hurt and frustration speaking than anything, but your outburst still shocked him and he was taken aback for a moment. And then you ignored him for a week straight and as someone who thrives off of attention, especially the kind he gets from you, he can’t handle that! So he showed up in your room in sweats and a tshirt and messy hair and no product on his skin. 

“You’re right… we’re all naturally beautiful…. Wow that… that really hurts to say MC but can you forgive me?” 

Beelzebub:

Oh the sweet, sweet angel. He’s far from innocent and you know that. We all know that. But for this story, I will give him the benefit of the doubt. His reliance on Belphegor is just really… annoying. Belphegor this, Belphegor that. “Belphie used to…” or “Belphie said….” or “one day when Belphie and I….” Like why does everything have to include his twin? It’s so annoying and so rude when your significant other is right here !!! and planning their own future with you, Beel, thanks. It makes you feel less than and like Belphegor will always come before you. It makes you feel like shit, quite frankly, and who is to blame you? “Hey MC did I tell you what Belphie---!” “No! Shut up! I don’t care! It’s always about Belphie! The day you come to me and don’t let that name drip from your tongue is the day Jesus comes back to save me and we both know that will be never! I’m tired of always being stuck with Belphegor! We are not equals!” Granted, you shouldn’t have yelled and Beel was more than confused at your outburst, but you wouldn’t talk to him anymore after that so he left you alone. He thought you may need an hour or two, maybe a day tops, but that day turned into a full week and he even lost his appetite just because he knows you’re angry with him. It’s been a week, does that mean you’re over? His heart aches just at the thought… 

“I’m sorry for bringing Belphie up… I don’t want you to feel less than, MC. You mean a lot to me and so does Belphie, but you’re not Belphie and I need to learn that…”

Belphegor:

Honestly it’s a miracle he hasn’t lost his temper at you yet. Well, he partially blames it on his own laziness because if being angry or getting upset didn’t take so much energy out of him, maybe he would’ve snapped by now lol, but he tries really hard not to because he thinks your relationship with him after everything is pretty good, considering yall kiss and snuggle and fuck on a regular basis. But anyway, that’s exactly the issue. Considering everything, you’re still holding *that* against him. It’s never direct either, which makes it worse. It’s always said in a joking manner and something like “haha look it’s just like that one time you killed me” or “Beel’s grabbing that ham like you grabbed my throat” or “I remember seeing jesus for a moment there” and it agitates him. It makes him so angry, and he finally snapped. “I know I fucked up MC! Stop holding it against me! What do you want? A medal of honor? A survivor's certificate? Maybe a pat on the back for developing some sort of Stockholm syndrome that made you come back to your abuser?!” And then he left. And you may have cried both from confusion and your own anger, he isn’t quite sure. It’s just so…. Aggravating. He can’t deal with it. He knows it was a mistake spurted by his own insecurities and survivor’s guilt which ultimately led to his hatred but please, stop holding it against him.. He can’t keep putting up with it from the person he’s grown to love. He’s the one ignoring you and he won’t budge either because he’s a stubborn ass, but maybe if you come up first… 

“I’m sorry for yelling at you… I’m just so tired for it being held against me… I love you, and you should know that, and I do feel guilty about what happened.”