#and this one is 29..because i rly couldn't cut it before)

[homosexualcitron]

I'm almost done with the first episode of the current chapter i'm working on and wooehhh it's going so well for now.. i usually struggle to draw the first few episodes but this one went rly well

[queertamil]

ok processing

so I've been doing a lot of inner child work and integrating the parts of myself that I blocked out or locked out or just split off due to trauma and the more I integrate these wounded parts back into me I'm getting even more sensitive than I was before

specifically

so the version of me I could not love for a very long time was who I was at 10- 12 yrs and I was bullied for being fat and like my parents were never home to begin with because we were broke and they had two full time jobs so like just a lot of rejection and neglect growing up in general

and also like, getting yelled at or beat for like, shit like coughing too loudly or too much when they were trying to sleep

and also they were always telling me I would have more friends if I lost weight etc and like I don't think they liked me much at that age either

so anyway as I entered high school I learned who not to be which was who I was from 10 to 12 and like I couldn't look at pictures of me from then and up until maybe a month ago, I thought of that 10 yr old chubby too talkative teachers pet kid as annoying and my worst self

not a kid that looked up to every nice adult as a parent who could give me validation

my parents weren't bad ppl, they were just traumatized and didn't have the capacity for a child

anyway anyway

so a month ago I was like ok I can't be like a 29 yr old hating and wishing a 10 yr old little girl was dead like that's just...unreasonable at this point so I started to like, understand who I was, what happened, and started to love that version of me

which I then continued to accept and integrate back into my life

which means I allowed myself to like, feel a lot more emotions again because honestly I started cutting myself at 12 so that I didn't have to feel emotions anymore and honestly apart from all the depression I was never bullied again and I became popular tbh

anyway so I played a board game with one of my best friends recently (sequence) and it was a lot of fun and I bought the game and I was excited for it to arrive so I could play it with my partner because I'm sure they would have loved it

and I let myself be excited

and at some point right before we started playing, my partner was on their phone, and I was waiting for about 10 mins at that point to start playing, and I knew being rushed was a trigger for my partner, so I like asked them if he wanted to play even just because the energy coming was so low and

for a fraction of a second my partner's expression looked mildly annoyed /frustrated and for some reason even though I knew it was an automatic response not directed at me at all

I couldn't help but like shut down and I no longer wanted to play the game anymore

and it made me so fucking sad just because idk it was a trigger or something my parents always said no to playing games with me as a kid

and I tried to explain how a flicker in their expression is why I got rly sad the next day because I was quiet and my partner got frustrated and defensive and walked away while I was crying

and then like processed it and came back and we talked and the takeaway was that I needed to work more on my sensitivity to ensure my partner didn't feel like they were constantly walking on egg shells

which broke my heart even more just because I was hoping to be able to be who I was with my partner

but it turns out I can only really be myself around myself and only beloved in that unconditional way by myself

and it's made me really sad so I went back to cutting just to turn it off