#and this guy reviews a lot of cheese in a really funny way (he's lactose intolerant)

[therealkaidertrash21]

rip Linh Cinder, you would've loved alexkhosieyo

[lazyphiladelphiareviews]

LAZY PHILADEPHIA REVIEW ABBAYE

Hello. Thanks for coming back.

This is a Lazy Philadelphia Review for Abbaye, in Northern Liberties Philadelphia.

First, I would like you to know that I got a new laptop, because I spilled coffee on my old one, and it broke. So then I bought this new one, and then magically, immediately, that very same day, my old one fixed itself. So I spent 1500 dollars on nothing really, because this new Macbook Air sucks and my old Macbook air works better and I actually like it more, because this one, the keyboard sucks and sometimes it types extra letters on accident, so if my spelling gets even worse…blame the keyboard of this new macbook air, which sucks.

Okay so I am back to writing these restaurant reviews. It’s been awhile. Well it’s been like 2 hours, since I just posted one about how I got sick from Pura Vida, who tried to kill me, so I guess everything happens for a reason, including attempted homicide.

So I haven’t written in awhile before that, because I’ve been busy being a freelance writer, so that means I don’t have what some people would call a “full time job” and let me enlighten you to the fact that health insurance doesn’t pay for itself, neither does my rent, and neither does my brand new pristine and sexual 355 horsepower Audi S4 that does 0-60 in 4.1 seconds but may be even faster than that, I don’t know because the pot holes around here are terrible.

OKAY SO!

ABBAYE: First, I would like to get out of the way that this place is close to my house. Like very close. So I have been here many many times. And many of those times, I don’t remember very well, because they serve alcohol and they stay open late. But this is a restaurant review, not a bar review, and not a review of the fact that maybe I have an alcohol problem which is none of your business and besides, what’s it like to be perfect, asshole?

Okay so I eat a lot of food. Sometimes multiple times a day. And one of my favorite foods is a burger, but i don’t really fuck with dairy, so I am not a cheeseburger guy. So let’s get that out of the way right up front here. You can freak out about it all you want, but the way I see it, that just means more cheese for you, that I won’t be eating. Yes I love pizza, maybe, maybe I am allergic to lactose, I don’t know all the answers here, but I stay away from dairy okay? 

Okay now that that is out of the way, I have to say that for my money, Abbaye has the best burger in Philly. And yes, really it is for my money, because they don’t give me anything for free there, I have to pay money for everything. I don’t get anything for free around here, I have to live and eat like every other strap hanger and it’s not fair but it is what it is.

Abbaye is pronounced like Abby, and not like Ay-Bay-Bay, despite what any recently graduated Temple sorority matriarch will tell you, although that song is pretty good now that I think about it. Well, now that I think about it again it’s not really very good at all.

Abbaye always has like 12 beers on tap, so you can get a wide variety of beers there that are mostly ales but they always have like one cider, and a lager or two, which I prefer. They also have lots of bottles available. You may even classify this place as a “bar” and probably nobody would correct you or anything, unless they’re people who have to correct everything WHICH REALLY GETS OLD AND DEMORALIZING, MOM, OKAY?

Hey do you like dirtbikes? I was just thinking about the old dirtbike I had as a teenager that thing was awesome. Not too many places to ride dirtbikes in Philly though unless you’re one of those guys who ride up and down the street doing wheelies and scaring pedestrians and cars and white people of all shapes and sizes.

Other things you can eat at the Abbaye include … hmm I am not really sure bc I always get the burger, but hey, I just remembered my old girlfriend Alexandra, her favorite food probably ever was the seitan wings from Abbaye, and the vegan cheesesteak as well. One time she saw Legally Blonde then decided to become a lawyer and that’s what she is now, even though she is very short!

Abbaye is equipped with two (2) unisex bathrooms, and both of them have mirrors all over the place, reflecting off each other, into infinity, which is very startling if you come into Abbaye under the influence of questionable yet very effective hallucinogenic substances you took with the band at a huge concert at Union Transfer which caused you to have to leave the show during the performance of one of your favorite bands because you were considering running up onto the stage in the middle of their show to really experience the whole psychedelic vibe with them in person. Just letting you know, if you partake in that sort of thing. Totally random suggestion!

I have met the weekend nightly bartender at Abbaye approximately 3,000 times and I am pretty sure his name is one of the following:

1)    Dave

2)    Steve

3)    Brian?

4)    Steve?

5)    It’s Dave, right?

It may be absolutely something else but I’m sorry about that if it’s not Dave. Dave? Is it Dave?

So what else! Abbaye has a GREAT brunch that’s very affordable and has mimosas and big old bloody marys if you can’t get into Honey’s, which always has a wait, or Green Eggs, which also always has a wait. You should check out my review of Honey’s for information on, you know, Honey’s. But like I said, you probably can’t get in.

Hey have you ever seen We’re The Millers? This movie is pretty damn funny! “What, oh my Orca? I bought an Orca! I make a lot of money!”

Okay so Abbaye has this waiter and his name is Jorge. Pronounced HORE hay. And he is the nicest, most hardworking dude I have ever met in my entire life. I am not sure where he is from or how old he is, or what country he is from, but he is one of the greatest people I have ever met in my entire life. So when you go there, ask for Jorge, and talk with him awhile, I swear to god you will love this dude. In fact, a couple weeks ago, me Nick and Bernie went in there and Jorge was working and all of a sudden this dude is legit JACKED. Like in a matter of months, he somehow became DIESEL like … I dunno Vin Diesel. And I was like “Jorge what the fuck dude, you’re a muscle god demon now and you could twist anyone in this place into a pretzel, what the fuck dude?” And he was like “I eat right, I lift, are you ready to order?” JORGE!!! THE BEST!

Okay so this one has been super long. Check out the Abbaye, it’s one of my favorites.

ABBAYE! Go for the burger, stay for the beers, experience and admire Jorge!

This has been Lazy Philadelphia Reviews of Abbaye with Elliot.