#and this girls reply is i shit you not 'bojack is for everyone! can we NOT bring politics into this????'

[mx-paint]

*opens comment section*

Comment from a guy with one of the characters from said video edited in a maga hat: god *complex character that genuinely and clearly isn't in the wrong* is just like my ex!

*closes comment section*

[linphd]

ex!aizawa x ex!villain!reader | mr.blue [angst]

shouta aizawa x reader

female reader

(Y/N) turned villain after many years with Shouta. But now that she's stopping, she still has to say her goodbyes.

warning : big ass angst, death, sad shouta

the lyrics are from mr.blue by catherine feeny and the whole story is 100% inspired by Bojack Horseman's ending so don't read and watch the video I've put if you don't want to get spoiled oof

(Y/N) and Shouta met when she was in her 1st year at U.A. He was a Big Three, thus he had to train her class and help them with hero work. They became the interns of the same hero, and that's when they started dating. When the girl finally graduated U.A, they moved in together. Their life was most of the time peaceful. However, when Shouta became a teacher himself, he got very busy. It was already something that hurt (Y/N), even if she knew it wasn't his fault ; he was even trying to be with her as much as he could, despite her being a pro hero as well. And she was kind of famous !

Indeed, she was one of the top 20 heroes, and the man not wanting to be in the spotlight, he was trying to avoid wherever she was going -as paparazzis were always nearby. Still, their couple and their love for each other was much stronger than busy schedules. It was Shouta who asked his partner to marry him. That night, they had gone to a fancy restaurant, they had watched a movie (Y/N) had been wanting to see for a long time, and the brunette was wearing a blue suit. It wasn't typical of him to wear blue, but it was a suit the woman had bought him. He wanted her to be happy. And after that night, it became 'the suit you asked me to marry you in' as she called it. Shouta didn't mind the name.

Their wedding was so beautiful. They both referred to it as the best day of their lives. All of their friends were there, the music had been perfect, the food had been perfect, and Shouta had even managed to dance perfectly, impressing even his now wife. He couldn't forget the smile she had worn the whole night, and even the two days after. She even got pregnant, yeah. It was a girl, and they had named her (D/N). But (Y/N) was 7 months pregnant when she had a miscarriage. Villains attacked their house, because of her rank. And Shouta couldn't do anything. Their lives couldn't be the same after that.

After what happened, (Y/N) kept training and training, her quirk affecting her sanity. It was a dangerous quirk. The legend said that whenever she was angry somewhere, the sky would turn into storm. When she would be sad, it would turn into rain. But it would only be where she would be standing, not affecting the rest of the town. And Shouta knew ; that legend was true. (Y/N) got depression. Maybe he did, too. But one day, he woke up, and she was gone.

She only left him a letter : ''(H/N) is gone. Tell the news I'm dead, that villains killed me in front of you. I'm not coming back'' it said. And Shouta knew that losing his daughter was one of the worst day of his life, but losing his wife had been even worst than anything else. He knew (Y/N) wasn't gone for real. Some nights, while he was doing his hero work, she would attack him, out of the blue, for fun. She looked like a villain, her hero costume was just a memory to him, now. Her quirk had left some traces on her ; her eyes looked crazy. She looked tired. She looked insane. And Shouta knew that that smile was fake, as the sky would always turn a dark purple with scary clouds, whenever she was.

She never got caught. Even after 5 years, she didn't get caught. As he had new students, Shouta had to investigate on the League of Villains. And weirdly, she had managed to befriend them and they were now a part of her own villain relations. They were so many. But weirdly, never once they attacked heroes he knew. The League of Villains attacked U.A, yes. But (Y/N) and her own minions ? Never once. He didn't know who they attacked. He didn't care as long as she wasn't caught.

Mr. Blue, I told you that I love you.

Please believe me.

Mr. Blue, I have to go now.

Darling don't be angry.

A few years later, it was Midnight's wedding. Everyone was having fun, and even some students had been invited as they had graduated U.A. Still, Shouta wasn't someone who partied, even after all those years. He just went outside, and stood on a hill nearby. The sky was beautiful. He was lost in his thoughts when he heard footsteps. Thinking it was Hizashi, the brunette turned his head carelessly. But how wrong he was. ''How did you hear about the wedding ?'' He asked. ''I hear about a lot of things. And I wouldn't miss Nemuri's wedding.'' (Y/N) replied, standing next to him, but far enough not to make it too intimate.

Knowing he would break at seeing her this close, the man turned his gaze back to the stars. ''She never heard I was a villain. I retired, anyway.'' The woman continued, Shouta's eyes widening. ''What do you mean ?'' He asked her, confused. ''It's over, for me. My quirk is worst than before. I may die if I use it again. I used drugs, you know ? I used to talk with the yakuzas when I was at my villain peak.'' She said, a little smile on her face -maybe nostalgia ? ''Did you like it ?'' Shouta asked, calmly. ''Well, it was nice while it lasted.'' She replied, smiling. ''Just like our relationship together.'' She continued, making the brunette sigh at her words. To him, the relationship wasn't really over. Sure, they weren't together, but there was still something

''I never broke up with you. You just... left.'' He said. He was right. It made (Y/N) uncomfortable that he was right. So she decided to make him uncomfortable instead ; it was what she used to do. ''You're wearing the blue suit. The suit you asked me to marry you in. Were you expecting me ?'' She asked, chuckling. ''Maybe ? I don't have many suits. You were the one finding them for me. Hizashi isn't really good at it.'' He explained, making the woman smile. But he kept talking. ''I loved you, for 17 years.'' He said. ''I wasn't even 17 when we met.'' She replied, chuckling.

I know that you're tired.

I know that you're sour and sick,

and sad for some reason.

''There were so many things I wanted to tell you. But now that you're here, I don't know what to do.'' Shouta said, not being able to put words on what he was feeling. ''You just feel... comforting, you know ?'' He tried to illustrate his emotions. ''Do you remember, when we started dating, you said you liked being in the same room as me, cause it was a peaceful room ?'' The woman asked, making him nod. ''I guess even after all this time, it's still peaceful.'' He said. ''Why did you never try to attack me ? You are a hero, after all.'' (Y/N) asked. ''I didn't want to. And you never did something that made agencies send me. You never attacked the school, nor our friends... you've always been clever.''

''This discussion is shit. Can you believe that ? We went through so much shit together, that we don't have anything else to say. And still, it's comforting.'' The woman said. ''I don't see why it wouldn't be comforting. I've never been mad at you. When you left, the only thing I thought was : '(Y/N) is gone, and now everything's worst.' But I don't blame you. Our life was hell. It was surely better for us to stop being together. It couldn't work, even if we still want it to work.'' Shouta said, admitting in the same time that he still loved her. He guessed she had admitted she still loved him too, as she never once said the room wasn't comforting.

''Thank you.'' She said. ''I'm sorry. Thank you.'' Those were just a few words, but they meant many things ; how grateful she had been to live with him. He was so understanding and was so in love with her, he wasn't even enraged when she left. ''Thank you, too. I'm not as socially awkward as I was in high school. You helped me a lot by making me humiliate myself in front of many people.'' Shouta said, smiling. It even made (Y/N) laugh. ''Did you want to see me ?'' He asked. ''Yeah. To tell you that I'm leaving. I've left once without telling you. I can at least see you in person now that I'm okay.'' She replied.

So I'll leave you with a smile.

Kiss you on the cheek.

And you will call it treason.

''You're okay ?'' He asked ; his memories of her being a happy person were very old, as their last moments together had just been her drowning more and more into insanity. But she did look sane, now. All the marks of her quirk were gone. Even her face looked peaceful and rest. After they lost their daughter, after she became depressed, and after her quirk drove her crazy... she was now okay. ''Yes. Are you ?'' She asked, and he nodded. He wasn't lying. He really was okay. ''We have to, anyway. We're not young anymore. We can't afford it.'' Shouta started.

         ''Life's a bitch and then you die, right ?'' He asked, almost laughing at his own sentence. ''Sometimes... sometimes life's a bitch and you keep living.'' (Y/N) replied. It was true. She kept living. He kept living. ''But it's a nice night, hm ?'' She asked, as she had been staring at the sky as well. He remembered how she affected the sky around her. But this time, the night was peaceful. There wasn't any dark cloud, the stars were bright and shiny. They couldn't hear the wind, and couldn't even feel it. She really was okay. She had grown. Shouta smiled. ''Yeah. This is nice.'' He replied -it was comforting.

Mr. Blue, don't hold your head so low,

that you can't see the sky.

Mr. Blue, I told you that I love you.

Please believe me.

        They looked at the sky together, enjoying that it was calm and beautiful. For so many years, (Y/N) had only seen dark clouds, and for so many years, Shouta was all alone to enjoy the calm. The woman sat, as she was getting tired to stand up. Hizashi had walked outside, looking for his friend, when he saw him, on the top of a hill. He recognized the silhouette next to him. Hizashi's mouth was agape, his eyes widened. (Y/N) decided to lay on the floor completely, making Shouta turn to look at her and laugh. He laughed way too much for a simple move. But he had missed it ; she laughed with him as well.

        ''Yamada-sen- Yamada, what's going on ?'' Izuku asked, still being disturbed that he couldn't use the 'sensei' now that he had graduated. ''I can't tell if that's the happiest or the saddest scene I've seen.'' He whispered, still focused on the couple. Izuku didn't understand, but as he recognized the silhouette of his former teacher, he kept watching. Meanwhile, the couple wanted to say things to each other, sometimes their heads turning to look at the other and their mouths opening as if to say something, but they couldn't find anything to say ; they had lived everything, there was nothing left to be said. They just didn't have anything to say to one another anymore.

         (Y/N) looked at Shouta ; he was still standing, looking at the sky. But he had a bright smile on his face. She was thankful that he had been in her life. But they lost so many things together, and she turned a villain, they couldn't get back together anymore. She hoped he understood she loved him ; she had never been the type to say it out loud, and never was he. She hoped he also believed everything she had just said to him, because she had meant everything. And as he was focused on the sky, she decided it was time for her to go, quietly. But this time, she couldn't be a villain. But she couldn't come back anyway. Once the brunette turned to look at her once again, she was gone.

note that the 'room that feels comforting', the 'nice while it lasted', the blue suit, the '... is gone, and now everything is worst’, the final dialogue and the fact that they want to look at each other but have nothing left to say all come from Bojack Horseman and I'm very thankful for that show it gives very good life lessons and helped me actually to deal with some stuff so 🤧❤️❤️❤️

and yeah I’m back with a Shouta story and it’s an angst it feels like it’s the beginning of that blog again right 😗✌🏻

[keyofjetwolf]

Jet Wolf Summarizes Act 39

The manga and I kind of hate each other. This is unfortunate, but still, I’m determined to come out of this with something. Rather than spend energy on a liveblog that’s increasingly negative, I’m reading each manga act (mostly) silently, and then writing up summaries at the end. I won’t pull my punches. There’s going to be criticism and snark about the manga, either wholesale or in details. If that isn’t a thing you feel like reading, please skip this post!

On the one hand, when I started this act today, I thought I was still in the Infinity Arc, which was bound and determined to live up to its name. I was not! I am even closer to the conclusion of the manga than I realized!

On the other hand, I’m in the Pegasus arc.

Dear god help me, I’m in the Pegasus arc.

We open with the Inners, but don’t get excited, this will be the last time you’ll see them for the next hundred pages. They’re gathered together at a park to watch the eclipse. Where’s Usagi, you ask? At another park somewhere else with Mamoru and Chibi-Usa, because if they were there, we might feel for a second that Mamoru was not the center of the universe, and can’t possibly risk it. CAN’T MINGLE WITH THE HELP YOU KNOW.

That little girl I posted earlier wishes to become an actress, and Minako whirls around, Kill Bill sirens blaring. "My dream is to become an idol!” she says to her friends for what is almost certainly the tenth time that hour. However this prompts the others to say their dreams (PS: THIS IS THE DREAM ARC) and they are every bit as obvious and lacking in character development as you’ve come to expect.

“I want to be a bride!” Mako says as I cry inside. "And then maybe have a flower shop or cake shop, but mostly bride!”

“I wish to become an elegant doctor!” Ami does not care that I am crying harder. Not brilliant. Not genius. Not lifesaving. ELEGANT. AMI MIZUNO’S PREFERRED ADJECTIVE IS ELEGANT AND I AM ON PAGE TWO OF THIS ACT

As for Rei?

While you will pry International Success Life Rei Hino from me absolutely never because my grip will only become stronger in death, fair enough, but for fuck’s sake, AMI ALREADY SAID ELEGANT REI I REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOUR EGO WOULDN’T DEMAND ANOTHER DESCRIPTOR.

Meanwhile, at No Senshi Allowed Park, Mamoru doubles over with chest pains. FINALLY SOMEONE HAD THE CORRECT DREAM. Unfortunately it passes quickly, just in time for the Dead Moon Circus to arrive on their fucking giant flying stingray shark pirate ship what the fuck??

THINGS ONLY GET MORE HORRIFYING

Of course if one thing is going to be consistent for me from the anime to the manga, it’d be how much the Dead Moon Circus creeps me the fuck out. OF COURSE THAT.

The Circus disappears then, and I’ll give the manga credit where it’s due here, it doesn’t have thirty fucking installments of no one seeing the bloody ten block giant floating circus tent.

Back to Peon Park, the Senshi also saw the circus arrive, and this apparently freaked Phobos and Deimos out so badly they had to to fly to Rei on her day off and bring her a newspaper and some feathers AND A FUCKING TAROT CARD ARE YOU KIDDING ME THESE GUYS NOT ONLY FOUND REI’S TAROT DECK BUT SORTED THROUGH THE CARDS TO FIND THE EXACT ONE TO BEST COMMUNICATE THEIR MEANING MEANWHILE I CAN’T GET MINA TO BRING ME THE GODDAMN BALL WHEN SHE WANTS ME TO THROW IT

Armed with this information, Rei, my beloved, light of my life, favourite character for over twenty years, concludes

Really, Rei. Really.

The Senshi rush to Usagi, though not one of them wonders why they bother, and that’s the real tragedy in this.

At the other, better park, for characters the author actually cares about, Mamoru thinks traffic will be bad getting home and suggests they wander around the shopping district instead. Hey look, there’s a sale on! This doesn’t seem strange at all!

Nobody thinks to mention the timing of this sale or arrival of an imminent circus alongside THE FLYING SHARK PIRATE CIRCUS SHIP, so maybe I was too quick with my credit-giving a minute ago. They wander around the stalls and shops, until something catches Usagi and Chibs’ eyes.

HMM I WONDER IF THESE WILL BECOME IMPORTANT

They convince Mamoru to buy them at $100 for the pair, which breaks down, in overall kaleidoscopic entertainment value, to about $100 a minute. As Usagi and Chibs rapidly burn through that minute, the Senshi show up, relieved to find everyone okay. “Should we join them?” Ami asks. “God no,” replies Minako, dragging everyone off to do jello shots for the rest of the issue.

God knows how many hours later, it’s 5pm and everything’s still just as packed as it was this morning, making Mamoru’s whole thing about having trouble getting home particularly dense because everyone’s fucking HERE and not on the road. But everything’s about to get a thousand times stupider.

Usagi says that it’s getting late and maybe Chibi-Usa shouldn’t go home until tomorrow. I was busy trying to puzzle out what that meant, like sleep-over in the park? No, no, she means home to the future, to which Mamoru says:

IT’S A THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE MAMORU THE DAY YOU’RE ON IN 1995 IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE 30TH FUCKING CENTURY WHAT SENSE DOES THIS EVEN MAKE

AND THEN CHIBS JUST MUDDIES IT EVEN FURTHER

HOW DOES

WHAT DOES THAT MATTER WHAT SENSE DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE THIS IS SO NONSENSICAL AND I’M LEGIT IRRITATED ABOUT IT

And then it’s Usagi’s turn to just make shit up as she goes.

SHE WON’T BE LATE IT’LL BE THE SAME FUCKING DAY BECAUSE IT’S A THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE AND THAT IS INDEPENDENT OF WHAT DAY IT IS IN THE PRESENT TIME IS NOT LINEAR FOR YOU PEOPLE AND YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR DAUGHTER FROM THE FUTURE

And I can’t even see why there’s all this bending over backwards trying to explain any of this away when plot coherency is something Takeuchi wrestles with on a daily basis about as much as she does character development.

SPEAKING OF

Cut to Mamoru’s apartment. Chibs is getting ready for bed.

Recognize the mirror?

JUST AS WELL BECAUSE THE MANGA COULDN’T CARE LESS IF YOU DO OR DON’T

FOUR TAGS WITH SQUIGGLY LABELS FOR MAMORU’S SHIT

THE PJS OF WHICH WILL BE MENTIONED IN-TEXT AT LEAST ONCE MORE IN THIS SCENE

FUCK ALL FOR MICHIRU

IT MANAGED TO BE EVEN WORSE THAN “MICHIRU WAS ALSO THERE” BECAUSE YOU CAN’T EVEN KNOW MICHIRU IS ALSO THERE UNLESS YOU ALREADY KNOW IT

WE DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE MORE DISMISSIVE OF MICHIRU BUT THE MANGA FOUND A WAY

Meanwhile Usagi is lying to Ikuko about sleeping over at Mako’s, and I’d like to think Usagi cleared that with Mako first, but that would’ve required thinking about her, and there’s just no way. The next three hundred pages are basically Mamoru and Chibi-Usa and I’d summarize what happened but I’ve punished myself enough today, and also NOTHING HAPPENED.

Over to the Dark Moon Circus, where we don’t begin with the Trio but with the Quartet.

Not that I expect anyone to have any personality. And just as well! Here’s a sample.

PALLAPALLA HATES BORING INTERCHANGEABLE DIALOGUE

Chibi-Usa has finally fallen sleep. I know what this means. I feel my mind, my soul, my very sense of self trying to shrink away, but to no avail. It comes.

AAAAHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

For relief, please join me in imagining for a moment a Sailor Moon SuperS revival featuring, as Pegasus, BoJack Horseman.

Pegasus and Chibs fly over Tokyo and then he gives her a little bell so she can summon him whenever she wants. In return?

CHIBI-USA TSUKINO I KNOW YOU READ A LOT DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS IN ENOUGH STORIES AND FAIRY TALES TO WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS IMMEDIATELY YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THAT YOUNG LADY THIS IS HANSEL AND GRETEL WITH WINGS

The next morning, Usagi and Mamoru wake up and realize they were both dreaming about Chibi-Usa and her new horse friend. Nothing about this alarms them anywhere near the correct degree in this humble Jet Wolf’s opinion. Mamoru has another partial heart attack but again does not die because I never get what I want. They realize Chibs left without them, and if I were Chibs, I’d do the same.

In the park (probably The Creator Loves Us And Only Us National Park), Chibs digs in her pockets for her Time Key, and I know Chibi-Usa is concerned about wanting to be an adult and all, but she has literally never been more hashtag relatable.

She pulls it out, but also pulls out the bell. GASP IT’S REAL. She thinks about Pegasus and how creepy he is and how she should never talk to him again and then she shatters the bell on the pavement. IF ONLY. She also thinks about her mother, specifically how she said “Leave and don’t come back until you’re pretty and useful.” YOU THINK I’M KIDDING I AM NOT KIDDING

Chibs’ first action as queen? ABOLISH MOTHER’S DAY

She wonders if she’s okay to go home yet, but when she uses the Time Key, it rejects the shit out of her, so guess not. Mamoru and Usagi run up and Pegasus appears again for no particular reason that I can figure out. Then there’s a tiger attack (NO REALLY) and everyone runs off, except for Mamoru, who once again is taunting me with his imminent death that never comes.

Usagi and Chibs try to transform, but can’t, because they don’t have all the Senshi around to power them up. “God, what a stupid requirement anyway, like I ever see those guys,” says Usagi, and so she just makes a new transformation happen because that is a thing she can do.

The Quartet are behind this attack, and Usagi and Chibs try to fight them, but are apparently powerless without a new toy from Bandai, so it’s marketing to the rescue! Chibs calls for Pegasus and begs him for a new weapon. He complies!

AND I FUCKING SCREAMED. While Usagi and Chibs power up on their own -- which I actually thought was a better turn from the anime for a second -- all it functionally did was change their outfits. They don’t even try to fight or attack, I presume because they know they can’t, so while they look neat, they’re powerless and helpless until they beg Pegasus for help. Until Pegasus arrives to give them power.

Power that came to them BY WAY OF MAMORU ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

So one of my biggest sources of anger and frustration with SuperS? ACTUALLY IMPROVED ON THE MANGA.

Also the Moon Gorgeous Sex Toy is sentient and can talk so. Yeah.

Back at the Dead Moon Circus, Zircon is all “The people of the White Moon reincarnated, god I fucking hate that,” so the Quartet respond by turning their tiger, hawk, and fish into, you guessed it.

They also see Chibs and Usagi and wonder what their dreams are.

APPARENTLY THE ANSWER IS ONE OF THE WORST EPISODES OF THE WORST SEASON OF THE ANIME JESUS WEPT WHEN WILL I KNOW REST

[diegopetrucci]

What I’ve neglected, lost, and done wrong

I lied. The previous one was not the last update. I’ve realized that I’ve only written the things that I have done well in the past few months, but not the mistakes that I’ve made. I’m not quite sure whether or not this big list will be helpful because at the end of the day making mistakes is part of the process, and it’s as necessary as getting it right. Moreover, it’s not very effective to tell someone “don’t do x or y, you’re going to regret it” — no one ever listens to old people, or to parents, and all of this stuff is basically what they keep telling us over and over. We only learn from our own experience, we need to bang our heads against something to have it settle in. But still: while this might not help to avoid a mistake, I see it as pattern recognition. Maybe reading it will help somone recognize an issue before it becomes problematic.

So, what I’ve done wrong, analyzed:

1: I’ve lost the ability to spend time by myself.

As I’ve forced myself to go out more, and spending time surrounded by people, I’ve gone to the other extreme and I’ve kind of lost the ability to be surrounded by just myself. I’m not reading enough, I’m not watching any more shows, I’m not cooking, I’ve basically stopped doing things on my own, chilling by myself.

On one side, I think this is because I fear that somehow I’ll go back to my old habits and become a shut-in again. On the other, I think I’m just scared; spending time alone, for me, means being forced to have deep thoughts about who I am and what I want — which I don’t think I really know.

Going out almost every day has definitely helped me, but now I need time to figure stuff out. For example, I started partner-dancing to take my mind off my breakup, and I’ve not stopped since. I am pretty sure I still love it, but I owe it to myself to take some time off of it to think hard about it. Having a positive routine is a great thing, but it should be re evaluated every now and then — doing something just because it’s the thing you do is not healthy. It should be a conscious choice.

I think I will spend a few nights a week learning how to cook, meditating, and writing a bit more. These are all things I used to love that I rejected when I began the “conversion” to become more outgoing. It was fine then, I needed to distance myself as much as possible from my past habits, but now I’m comfortable in my own skin, I don’t fear those ghosts anymore.

2: I’ve focused too much on self-growth

All that I’ve achieved this year is because I’ve put immense pressure on myself. My iPhone is full of notes filled with objectives, diaries, goals, and so on. And even though I think that’s fine, I’ve become so focused on becoming better and better and better that I’ve had real issues of being able to accept myself as I currently am.

This is the thing that I’ve discovered: however fucked up you and your life might be, you’re still a person, and because of that you deserve to love yourself. Obviously that doesn’t mean you should never go out of your comfort zone, but the opposite is also counterproductive: progress and growth won’t necessarily fix your self-image problems. You, as a person, are fine as you are, and deserve to be loved (by other people and yourself). If you don’t realise that, no matter how much you’ll change and improve, you’re always going to feel like you’re not enough.

Finding the fine line between acceptance and eagerness to grow is tricky, but it needs to be done. Your mental health depends on it. The faster you’ll be able to accept your reality, the faster you’ll have the right tools to improve it and move on from it.

3: Cutting out toxic people

This one is hard. While trying to be social I’ve felt the need to be accepting of everyone that I’ve come across. A need to please and be friends with everybody. This can’t and shouldn’t be done.

I define toxic people as follows: people that instead of adding value to your life they remove it.

At the end of the day, your life is your responsibility. Not everything that happens might be your fault, but everything that happens to you, once it’s happened, it’s your responsibility to manage. You could be hit by a bus, or be dumped by your SO, or have someone in your life die, and while none of this might not be your fault, how you decide to handle the consequences is solely your responsibility.

The same applies to other people in your life. If they can’t handle what they’ve been thrown at, you can and should try to help them, but if they can’t snap out of it, at the end of the day, it is their problem, not yours. It’s harsh but true. Your life objective shouldn’t be to fix everybody.

A person that is removing value from your life, to me, can mean a bunch of different things. It could be a colleague that is always down and shuts down any attempt to positivity and growth. Or a friend that is not willing to step out of their comfort zone and makes planning going out on the weekends impossible. Or a girl that makes dating her difficult instead of an enjoyable discovery. Or a parent that doesn’t want to see you grow, wherever that growth might take you.

Toxic people are draining. They take energy out of your life, while only adding pain. And while I believe that pain is necessary, it should have a purpose: gym pain is useful, as is learning pain, and new experience pain — pain for the sake of it, however, it’s not, and should be avoided at all costs.

It is always painful to recognise that a person is a value-vampire, but it needs to be done, and you need to cut them off. You don’t necessarily need to completely isolate yourself from them, but you do need to find the right distance where their actions won’t affect you.

Distancing someone is always scary, like am I going to be able to find other people that suit me? But it shouldn’t, because by doing it you’re effectively improving your life, your mood, your health, and it will be easier for you to attract new people in your life.

4: Not setting standards for girls I date

This is linked to cutting off people that remove value from your life. I have done the big mistake of basically going out with every girl that 1) was attractive 2) was showing me signs of interest. This is not okay. I have taken great care to make my life full of enjoyment and growth, so if I let a girl in my life, she needs to be hitting a certain standard. A pretty face is not enough.

And by the way, this is not a brag. I believe everybody should have standards, it’s just that my requirements could be very different from someone else’s. You might need someone that has their shit together, or a fuck-buddy, or someone that is willing to take things seriously, or someone that makes everything else disappear when you’re spending time with them. We all seek different things. But again, we should set a standard, and ruthlessly cut out the people that don’t meet it.

It is again a matter of self-love: how are you supposed to make the world better if you can’t love yourself and the situation you’re in? And if your partner is making it hard to do it, they should go.

There’s plenty of people in the world, and there are probably a dozen or more SOs that would make your life better. It’s just a matter of being in the right state of mind to recognise and bring them in.

5: Getting validation from external factors

I shouldn’t have set goals. Become a mid-level iOS engineer by this year. Find a girl in that year. Have x social circles by the end of the summer. Goals, while quantifiable, are very easy to miss, and the pain is not only when you measure yourself against them, but when you realise you don’t have enough momentum to hit them (and then you get sad, and unmotivated). They’re a receipe for disaster.

There are so many times that I’ve found myself coming back from a night of social dancing with a sad frown because I did 5 dances instead of the 10 I told myself I’d do, or because one girl I liked stopped replying (when I had others going on), and so on.

Instead, what I’ve found useful, is setting up processes. Processes still retain some of the characteristics of goals, as you can look back and see if you’ve improved, but are more forgiving — they let you have bad days, or even weeks. Sometimes life gets in the way and it temporarily derails your plans, and that’s okay. In one of Bojack’s episodes, Bojack is resting breathless on the side of the road after a run. Another runner, a monkey, notices his pain, stops by, and says “It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day, that’s the hard part. But it does get easier”. I don’t think one good night makes up for ten average ones. If you show up every day you slowly build up what you need to improve on, and the bar consistently gets higher.

This is very much linked to being able to forgive myself. Not every day I’ll be in the best state of mind or physical ability. But that’s okay. If I’m able to move on from disappointing days it means that I can look forward the future ones to improve even more.

6: Build a support network ASAP

The day of the breakup I realized I not only lost my lover, but my best friend too. Staying together for nine years means the other person has a mini-you in their head that is a very good approximation of the real you, making it easier for them to support you. When we broke up we made ourselves a promise to keep being friends, but that’s, IMO, a bad idea. I needed time to grieve and to process the loss. So I stopped communicating with her for many months. When I felt ready we started talking again, and I was lucky that she was still available to entertain a friendship with me. But the months in between have sucked hard. I lost her, my other best friend was in Italy, and so were my parents. I had no one to look in their face and tell them how my world was falling apart.

I got very lucky to find some other people that I’ve become very close to, but I’ve should have pushed more and way, way sooner. Friendships are tricky because you don’t really notice their importance in good times, but if you don’t really have any close people next to you in the hard times, well, your life is going to be miserable. As I’m sure most of this “advice” will sound, this is basic knowledge for many people, but I don’t think there is a limit to how much you can give to others during the good times. Time for others is always well spent, and will pay you back when in need (assuming you're choosing the people in your life wisely). It’s also very easy to kind of treat some relationships as a given, but they need to be nurtured constantly (and actually meaning it). It might sound a tad self-centered, but you need to give to others because one day they will need to give to you. And oh boy that day is coming. Better be prepared.

7: Not being authentic sooner

I’ve touched this topic briefly here and there, but I think it’s worth repeating.

For a long time, years probably, I’ve felt the need to be accepted by everybody. To do that, I’ve tried not to say anything polarizing or to express myself honestly. The result has been me being very… well, boring and insipid to other people. Not really what I had hoped to be.

When I’ve started being more honest, and above all when I’ve stopped putting up a filter, I’ve seen people getting closer to me way faster than ever. My fear of hurting or disagreeing with anyone was making me avoid any conflict, or saying what I really thought, and the irony is that people trust you more when you’re open to them (even if they don’t fuck with you in some regard). If a person is able to get to know you, even if they don’t like x or y of you, they still will like you. I have so many friends that I don’t agree with on some topics, even political or “serious” ones, and yet I still love them to death. People are not defined by one thing, they are three dimensional, and it’s okay if they’re different from you. But the moment you decide to filter out your thoughts you become one dimensional, and no one in their right mind is going to want to learn more about you.

I’ve had people I’ve known for years telling me that they didn’t really know me — they didn’t know what I liked, or my interests, or my political stance. When I was leaving to come to London, I heard that coming from someone that had known me for almost ten years and it hurt like nothing else before. I realized I had given up a life of authenticity for the pyrrhic objective of being accepted by everyone. I had effectively hid myself for years.

These days I really don’t care anymore. I am 100% honest to anyone, be it work or friends or girls, and I’m doing fine. I’m able to filter out people very fast, and I’m confident that those who are around me truly like me and embrace me for what I am. And the funny thing, by stopping giving a shit about rejection, you actually experience it less. In some ways this mentality gives you abundance of opportunities, and friends, and that has a positive feedback loop back to your mentality, making you care even less.

—

At this point I think I’ve eviscerated everything I went through. Maybe I’ll write a couple of things here and there, but I think that’s it.

It’s a good time to stop. In ten days I’ll be back in Italy for a while and I’ll be able to face my ghosts there. The final battle. I need to get away from all the stuff that’s going well here to see if I can handle the pressure of being in a place that brings up too many painful memories. I think I can do it. :)

Oh, and one more thing: thanks for all the support in the last post. It’s really nice to see that people care, and it’s been fantastic having people tell me privately how something I wrote reasonated with them. There’s still a lot of stigma around talking about this kind of personal stuff, but it needs to change, as we need to recognise that the fights we’re fighting are something we all go through in a similar way, and there’s a lot of people that we can lean on.

[biglinkenergy]

The Prude -- One

You have a reputation on campus: the prude. Very few people understand you for you. And one of those people is Min Yoongi, your best friend of three years. It’s senior year and it is time to come to terms with all of your feelings.

Genre: Fluff, angst, humor/crack, friends-to-lovers, college AU

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader, Taehying x Reader (past), NamJin (established)

Warnings: A quick chat about genital biting (non sexual)

One: There is NOTHING Dormant Going On

The whole moment is so cliché, you think. You’re sitting in the bathroom stall, your knees pulled to your chest, listening as some girls you don’t know talk shit about you. You don’t know why you decided to hide instead of walking out, but it’s not like you can go back in time. You’re stuck now. 

“Well Taehyung is single now,” One girl says. 

“Oh, he and the prude finally ended whatever their situation was?” The other says. She chuckles and you can almost hear her smirking. “I don’t want to call it dating.”

“Who would?” The first one replies.

“He’s probably had blue balls the entire time,” The second one says. “I’m going to see if he wants to hang out this weekend—or just Friday night.”

“You’re so bad!” 

Their voices fade and you’re left in the stall, forced to think about why the hell your relationship ended. 

You remember the day Taehyung asked you out. So many people were caught off guard: you, your friends, and most of the people on your college campus. Taehyung had a…reputation and it was almost the exact opposite of yours. Taehyung was the fuck boi. The cassanova. The lothario of campus. He didn’t do long term relationships. He could barely handle the commitment of a one night stand, but there he was, in the dining hall, asking if you wanted to get coffee “sometime soon”. You said yes and it turned into quite the three month relationship, but just like your other relationships, it fell apart. In the end, he wanted sex and you didn’t. You didn’t want it, didn’t need it, and you weren’t going to have it. 

That’s what happened with Seth and Connor in high school and now Taehyung in college. Everyone labeled you as a prude without asking you. They just heard that you don’t put out and that’s all they needed. They didn’t know that the idea of having sex made you so uncomfortable. Almost to the point of throwing up. You didn’t like the idea at all, and in the end, you didn’t see how it could define a relationship so much. Like yeah, sexual gratification is nice and all, but have you ever just sat around and recited all the episodes of Bojack Horseman with someone? That’s good shit.

And it’s not like you’re really a prude. You don’t judge people for having sex. That’s their business, not yours. But its hard for you to explain. Sex is just so normalized.

Sometimes you think you could compromise. And you thought about it with Taehyung. You almost did, too. He had his shirt off—and he was hot, dammit. But you couldn’t do it. You didn’t feel it. And it wasn’t going to happen.

He dumped you a week later. 

Yoongi suggested that you might be a lesbian. 

“Uh, no. I like men. Have you seen men?” You replied. This was freshman year, a few months after you first met. Yoongi was always the best with trying to actually understand you and not just write you off as a judgmental prude.

“She makes a great point,” Jin said. He was ogling the library assistant, Namjoon. In a couple weeks, Namjoon would finally ask him out and they would become the perfect couple.

You have researched what this situation is. You know your preference is men because what little sexual attraction you’ve felt, it’s been for a guy. But you’re not so quick to give yourself a label because you just don’t know. Are you asexual? Demisexual? Demiromantic? Who knows? You’re just you.

You finally exit the bathroom, hoping that the girls are not waiting out in the hall for you, but don’t worry. It’s just Taehyung. He doesn’t see you because he’s on his phone (probably Tinder) but as you’re scuttling by, he lifts his head.

“Yin! Hey!” He sounds pretty chipper, you think. There was a party at his frat this weekend and he probably solved the blue balls situation. 

“Oh, hey!” You give a slight wave. “I’m sorry, but I’m late for meeting people in the library.”

“Tell Yoongi hey for me,” He winks. 

If people aren’t calling you a prude, they’re assuming you’re dating Yoongi. You two have been attached to the hip since freshman year, when he nearly ran you over with his recording equipment and bought you aerosol cheese as an apology. Jin was always around too, but it wasn’t the same. 

You roll your eyes but walk away. You’ve never entertained the idea of dating Yoongi that much anyway.

(That was a fucking lie)

During sophomore year, you had caught feelings hard. Not sexual feelings, but like, “I want to spend all day watching Bojack Horseman with you” feelings. You liked hanging out at his apartment, watching Netflix and listen to Jin and Namjoon bicker like the perfect married couple they are. You liked listening to Yoongi make his compositions and talk about music. For most of sophomore year, you were convinced that Min Yoongi was the one because all you could think of was cuddling with him while he wrote love songs about you.

But you snapped out of it. There is nothing dormant going on. No there is not.

You arrive at the library to find Yoongi, NamJin, and Namjoon’s old roommate, Hoseok, sitting at the usual table by the window. Jin is trying to throw pieces of chips into Hoseok’s mouth and there’s a lot of chips on the floor. You gesture to the pile and Yoongi rolls his eyes. You consider getting a group of female friends, because this shit is ridiculous.

“I’ve almost hit a record!” Hoseok is excited.

“One isn’t a record,” You sit in the empty chair next to Yoongi. He snorts, but continues working. Hoseok pouts, but doesn’t respond. You all spend a few silent minutes working before you say, “Am I a prude?”

All four of them stare at you with various degrees of confusion. Yoongi is the least confused, like he knew what those girls had said and knew it would eat at you. You honestly hated the fact that you brought it up but you had to ask.

“I don’t know you that well,” Hoseok says.

“No,” Namjoon says, nearly at the same time. “The definition of prude is, ‘a person who is or claims to be easily shocked by matters relating to sex or nudity’ and you’re not easily shocked.”

“He’s got a point. Remember that time you walked in on me and that girl I dated junior year? Didn’t bat eye.” Yoongi says.

“Well I was scared to yell. What if she bit your dick off?”

“Is that even fucking possible?” Hoseok flinches.

“How about the next time Yoongi gets a blow job, we just scare the girl and see what happens?” Jin suggests. You snort.

“How about what the fuck?” Yoongi says. “Sacrifice your own gentials!”

“I need my genitals!”

“What the fuck?” Taehyung is standing there with his own posse, Jimin and Jeongguk. They are equally as shocked.

A couple of girls are with them as well, but you don’t care enough about either of their names. They’re whispering and snickering to each other but you don’t really care. But you also think you know exactly what they’re saying. 

“I’m going to pretend I heard none of that,” Taehyung continues. “I just wanted to invite you guys to a party at the house on Saturday night. Redneck theme. Yin, that means you too.”

“Thanks, Tae,” You say. 

You could say a lot of things about Kim Taehyung, but you couldn’t say he was a shitty person. For most people, he had a valid reason for dumping you. For you it wasn’t valid, but the past is the past. He was nice about it, though. He said he liked you a lot, but he felt a relationship needed sex. It was important to him. And you got that. You couldn’t hate him for speaking his truth. He did feed you the line about wanting to still be friends, but you didn’t quite believe it until now.

The girls were still snickering to each out.

Taehyung shoots them a look, “What are you two snickering about?”

“It’s just highly unlikely that the prude will show up at a party, you know,” The taller one says. She’s definitely a bathroom girl. A shitty girl, you would say. 

Won’t she just, ruin the mood?” The other shitty girl says.

“Aren’t you doing a fine job of that right now?” Taehyung snaps.

You could never say that Kim Taehyung was a shitty person.

In the end, only NamJin and Hoseok went to the party. Quite frankly, you didn’t want to go and watch people do a bad job of hiding the fact they were talking about you. Instead, you went over to Yoongi’s apartment and sat on his shitty futon and watched Golden Girls and ate instant Ramen. 

After the episode where Miles returns from witness protection, Yoongi blurts out, “Did you decide not to go because of those girls?”

“Not entirely,” You say. They were definitely a part of the whole reason, but that wasn’t all of it. You already hated dealing with the gossip, but shitty one and shitty two seemed dumb enough to try and pull a cliché prank on you to humiliate you. And why use that as a plot device?

“Well,” Yoongi says. He’s almost whispering. “Don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself. You’re fine just the way you are.”

You two were on the futon, huddled under a blanket, with Yoongi’s arm around your shoulder. And you feel that feeling you did two years ago. Your heart starting beating a little bit faster. You think its nothing.

There is nothing dormant going on.