#and there's a few options I can think of how to proceed: delude myself further (not a healthy option).
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Plagued by the feeling that I'll never make meaningful connections with the people in my life despite being helped & supported every step of the way!!!
#my current running solution is pour that yearning for attention back into myself#but sitting with the self is unbearable.#and it just feels like in every interaction I have I'm holding part of myself back#the proper thing to do would be to pour the energy spent yearning back into myself. and I've done that through plowing through school#cultivating my interest. but there's *more.* always more to engage with. urging you into discomfort (for the best.)#and i try to positive and mindful towards my own self-improvement but sometimes I feel trapped#in a closed circuit overcharged with hellbent determination to succeed contesting a strong desire to opt-out of living#(working from home + unable to drive + at home with parents = inert mania)#... and alot of that is manifesting as a severe tendency to distract myself from my life and overemphasize my romantic/sexual plight#and there's a few options I can think of how to proceed: delude myself further (not a healthy option).#become a nun (working on it™/really reminds me of a fraught crush I'm still nursing sooooo next)#double up my effort to work/self-improve (capitalism poisoning... and prolly what I'll have to do 😔)#stop being guided by my feelings (nope. gonna cry abt it.)#i guess that just leaves one option..... make an OC and channel my intense into her (✅)#i haven't been to therapy in over a year it'll help me process. but my reluctance to be authentic + share my feelings remains unchanged#personal#dont rb
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