#and then some couldn't find again sadly; 2023 found with that search and two others from window stars are standing in for one I didn't

[squareroot-1]

[justine-the-guillotine]

About a month ago, I found out two different, formerly-very-close-but-since-estranged, people to me passed away recently.

I found out one because I randomly decided to check my FB message requests and saw a request pending from her husband who actually reached out to me almost immediately after it happened: "I know you two didn't talk anymore, but I thought you should know--"

She died because of her health conditions and ailments and not wanting to fight anymore.

We were no longer talking because despite having a very intense best friendship over ten years ago, we had a huge falling out that felt like betrayal and she hurt me so much I decided to never forgive her. We connected only twice afterwards.

The other one I found out about because I just had a sinking feeling and I went searching for it. And I found what I was searching for. He died, ironically, coincidentally, sadly, in-a-way-that-had-nothing-to-do-with-me, on May 27, 2023. I was out of town and having one of the best nights of my life.

I can't find the exact cause of death for him (rather, I did not dig deep enough) but it was likely an overdose. The last I heard of him was he wanted to get clean and couldn't. He just couldn't. He missed his mom a lot.

We were no longer in touch because, even though he was the love of my life in our teenage years before we both realized he was gay gay, not bisexual, it can be difficult to stay in touch with people you love when drugs and a town you both were hurt so much are involved. After high school, we drove around town together when we were in college. I would meet his mom. A couple of years later, a mutual friend made it so he could surprise me at a birthday dinner. The next time I saw him was in a YouTube video when someone profiled him for his addiction.

Finding out about these deaths were ... Interesting, to use possibly the most basic word I could to describe something that is so much more than that. I had already mourned these two people leaving my life back when they were still alive. Do I mourn them again, knowing now it is permanent? Am I even allowed to mourn them again, knowing I didn't try harder to keep either one in my life?

I am different (matured, grown, weathered) nowadays in many ways but the same in some. I sometimes wish I would fight harder for people to stay, but nowadays I don't push people away if they come seeking me out again. How can I hold grudges when life is so fragile, so fleeting, so constantly changing. We are always different people. We are always the same people.

Both of these people had loved ones who mourned them after they passed. They didn't need me. They didn't miss me at their death beds. I likely wasn't a thought to either one. Or maybe that's something I would like to believe. I don't know what is more arrogant. These were once two very important people to me but who knows if it was reciprocated. If our time together was still thought about for either of them. Maybe it's just me who doesn't forget or doesn't really move on from people I love(d). I don't even know who else entered their lives after I was no longer in it. I don't know who else was able to stay for them. Who else was there for them. Who is actually allowed to mourn them.

I do know neither one have visited me in my dreams and I think that's where I should leave it. Both of them done with me even after they died. It's okay, it's their right. I'll continue to think about them anyway.

[sauvryn]

Yes, this IS just terribly sad, but not for the reasons that everyone thinks. It's sad because it is slander.

Okay so I'm gonna finally talk about this garbage article, because I keep randomly finding it in search results. I need to get it off my chest and Tumblr feels like the safest space for a rant. I am Jason's wife in real life - his legal spouse of almost 10 years. The article that the OP linked to was written by Jason's oldest son from a previous marriage, whom I have never met and didn't have any particular impressions of. Apparently, it was published in December of 2022. Want to know when Jason and I found out about it? May 2023. And we only did because I happened to see a Babylon 5 fan on Facebook post a link to it in response to the B5 animated film announcement, in a reply to another fan wondering why Jason wasn't involved with the project. The fan speculated that it was perhaps because of how Jason was purportedly "difficult to work with" and "his character probably killed off" due to personality changes from his TBI, as it said in the article.

What? I was shaken. I read it.

I told Jason about it. He read it.

It was very painful.

We decided the best course of action was not to give it any more oxygen, though the desire was strong to write a point-by-point rebuttal to the absolutely stunning amount of misinformation, assumptions, and assertions present in the article. Little to none of the information had been verified directly with Jason, nor with his brothers or mother (two of which still don't know about the article, and we are trying to keep it that way for now). There's a lot of "I've heard..." and "I've been told..." in the article. Like, by who? Jason's ex-wife, maybe, who isn't exactly his biggest fan? Who are these sources? I looked on Twitter and apparently a fan brought the article to the attention of JMS (the creator of Babylon 5) and asked if it was true, and JMS said he never saw any aggressive, unprofessional, etc. behavior from Jason. Which is expected because - before TBI or after - that's never been Jason.

I'm not relating much of Jason's personal reactions here because I don't want it getting back to his son and causing additional drama (or, worse, another article) - that's something that needs to be worked out privately between the two of them eventually. As for my own reaction: the article personally angered and saddened me. It - intentionally or not - drags Jason's legacy through the mud with what amounts to honeyed slander while waving a clickbait title to drive traffic by banking on his fame and, worst of all, supposedly is written from a place of "compassion" and "love". It's disgusting to read and does a horrible disservice to fans of Jason by presenting supposed "truths" about his history, personality, and professionalism from what would otherwise reasonably appear to be a reliable source. Sadly, the comments on Medium do not appear to doubt the author's account in the slightest. From what I have heard from the fans I have talked to on Facebook that read it, they hadn't thought to question the article's validity either and some even believed it was published with Jason's knowledge, both of which couldn't be farther from the truth.

Do I think his son actually believes everything that he wrote? Yes, I think this is how he has rationalized his past in order to try and make peace with it.

Do I think his son is being purposely malicious? No. Again, I think he believes he's just telling the truth of his experience and may even believe he's helping others by relating it.

Does any of that make it better? Absolutely not. Ignorant slander is still slander, which is especially hurtful from a child who is likely getting their "facts" from the other divorced parent and the associated relatives.

Anyway, my advice to anyone reading this: if you have issues with a parent about your childhood, at least please try talking to them directly to ask about the reasons behind why they made certain choices that negatively affected you. Don't instead silently look for something to point at (an accident, a mental issue, etc.) to fantasize that parent into a total victim of that condition, in a misguided attempt to banish your anger by artificially transmuting it into pity.

Marcus was my absolute favorite on B5. This is just terribly sad.