#and then of course the tension of that becomes eroticized because that's what brains do with things!

[aeide-thea]

i've said this before on here, albeit more euphemistically, but it really is funny to me how fixated my subconscious has gotten on the very specific scenario of 'getting fucked in the cunt without getting misgendered'???

like historically that particular configuration is so, so low on the list of things i like—i like getting fucked in the ass and i like getting my mouth on people pretty much everywhere and i like fingering them and i like fucking them and that's without getting into any of the kinky things i also like [which are not especially hardcore imo but like. the way america is going who the fuck knows what counts as hardcore anymore, also frankly that sort of ranking is problematic in a bunch of ways we can talk about if you want]—

but it has nonetheless loomed very large in my imagination lately even though it's like. the least satisfying thing i can do with my body by a long chalk, because like. don't we all want to show someone the things about us that we feel/fear are dealbreakers and have it turn out that somehow, miraculously, they're forgivable and we're lovable and desirable as our own real, imperfect, acceptable, accepted selves, just as we are…

[sevicia]

Watched Hellraiser 2022 with my sister over lunch and :( I'm so sad I really didn't like it almost at all. She thinks it's a really good movie though and after it ended we watched reviews of it (lol), a positive one and a more negative one and while I guess I could like, see? the points the girl from the positive review was making I just didn't find any of it impressive or super eye-catching, and she kept mentioning how this remake has super well laid-out and explicit lore re: the cenobites and how she really likes that instead of the vagueness of the original, but I seriously could never disagree more? The cenobites are alluring and intimidating because you'll DIE wondering. They're otherwordly and unfeeling to the point I could never call them villains, just merciless deliverers of their gifts...

BUUUT the girl from the 2nd review had apparently rummaged around my brain and taken it all out it was CRAZY

Like as the movie went on I kept thinking about how thoroughly UNsexy the remake is, it drove me INSANE. It's THE goopy gory sexy horror movie and this version had 0 goop, mildly unsatisfying gore, and felt incredibly tame sexually. No joke I was thinking WHERE'S THE SEX!!!!! for most of the movie

I don't have any sort of attachment to any other horror franchises so I've never been let down by a remake like this and I always thought that I'd be able to see all remakes as just another view to an established story, but it turns out I DRASTICALLY underestimated how much Hellraiser means to me.

The cenobite designs were cool and very beautiful visually, but I seriously missed the leather SOOO much.... this was also such a confusing let down for me

I will always be insane about gore but in this case it was just not gory enough? Even though the body horror related aspects were (once again) beautifully done, only a few of them felt visceral enough to be satisfying.

Towards the end where that one guy is becoming like, a cenobite-ling(?) and is getting his body peeled here and there and there and there I just really wanted to see him bleed more and scream with MORE anguish and writhe and cry. It was just not enough for me. There's also the fact that that scene in particular felt visually similar to the ending of Martyrs (also one of my favorite movies of all time), so it was just a complete letdown.

There's also the fact that I found none of the characters particularly interesting, which is crazy because I love Terrifier and that one's notorious for lack of character depth. But in Terrifier you had Brooke and Tara being silly friends together!!! There was not a single time I can think of where the characters in Hellraiser '22 had any sort of... joy? displayed between them. I don't need there to be super wholesome happy and clean relationships, I do, in fact, prefer the opposite when it comes to horror, but weren't these guys supposed to be friends? It just felt like they didn't even particularly like each other.

It also makes me think of how they handled (or rather Didn't handle) Riley's struggles as an addict. Of COURSE it's gonna raise tensions with the people who care for her! It's not an easy situation/topic to navigate, ever, but after one point it just felt irrelevant to the story when I feel they could've explored it in an interesting way that also aligns with the themes of temptation we see in the original. Frank went to such an extreme place while looking for sexual pleasure after all!?! I would've loved to see Riley struggle more explicitly with addiction, have more involved relationships with the other characters, have the cenobites use her addiction against her as a way to tempt her, and ALSO make the surreal aspects of '22 feel SO much weirder and anxiety-inducing!!

But in the end the most massive and shocking letdown is, once again, the lack of eroticism within the film. I want it to be scandalous! I want to feel thrilled! I want to look at the cenobites and be able to imagine what it'd be like to grab and twist and poke at their exposed flesh and bone and every sharp edge I could possibly reach! I want to look at gore and feel the way meat and guts and blood run through hands, wet and slimy and soft and red and disgusting, I want to think of a body's warm insides becoming colder as I hold them! There was no grime in this movie at all, and the gory scenes felt like they were only half-done!! I want to see it all, but the fact there was unreached potential will ALWAYS be so much more frustrating than just cutting it out entirely.

It was just not remotely what I wanted from a new Hellraiser movie, because it's an entirely different focus!! x( but its story couldn't have been told without the presence of the cenobites and the puzzle box, so ????

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC Review: The Notorious Lord Knightly by Lorraine Heath

5/5. Releases 6/27/2023.

For when you're vibing with... Peak angst hours, people who adore each other but oof pain, defiantly proud heroines, and big "I was half a virgin when I met you" energy.

Knight--otherwise known as Lord Knightly--has an issue: there's an erotic memoir circulating around the ton by an anonymous source. And everyone thinks the "Lord K" that corrupted Anonymous in the book's pages is him. Bigger problem: it totally is him, and Anonymous happens to be Miss Regina Leyland, the woman he left at the altar five years ago. After years of avoiding Knight, Regina has had enough; but she can't be revealed as Anonymous, especially if she's to move on with her life and marry a good man. Knight offers to help her on that front--by publicly making nice with her, despite the fraught tension between them. But with every polite and platonic dance, Regina wants to claw Knight's eyes out--and fall into his arms. Both. Both is good.

MAN. Lorraine fuckin' Heath. I don't know if anyone does pure shots of emotion like her. There's just something about a book wherein you can feel how much the leads want each other, where you're actually thinking "Why can't they just figure this shit out and be together?" She does it so well.

Quick Takes:

--Regina Leyland is one of my favorite heroines, maybe ever? She's so proud and so wounded and self-righteous, and so like... in denial. She's not a nice girl who's just sitting there weeping over her broken heart, or a classy broad who's Risen Above in the five years she and Knight spent apart. Nah. She's pissed. And she should be! Her anger and the verbal lashings she gives Knight really serve to underscore how much she adored him and how much she gave him. Like, I don't know, I think we often see this tendency among romance readers to feel like heroines should just get over it. Because we are in the mind of a hero like Knight, and we of course know he loves Regina and has his reasons for acting as he does. She doesn't have that. She's suffered. He needs to fix it.

At the same time, Regina has also done a lot in those five years involving forced responsibility and growing up. She lost her innocence (.... in every way ...) to this man. So you get this sense as you read that you're seeing her reawakened, and kind of... allowing access to a part of herself she's neglected for a long time. What I'm saying is--she is horny. And he's hot. And honestly, the fact that she's so horny makes it more believable to me that she keeps coming back to go "AND ANOTHER THING". Girl is hard up. It adds a dash of humor to what would otherwise be kind of dark, and balances the book perfectly.

--Knight is very hot, and very much worthy of Regina's horniness. Honestly, I kind of get how losing him broke her brain a bit and sent her own a rampage of revenge. This guy is... sexy, in a way that Lorraine Heath nails so well. So many of her heroes are really not asshole alphas, but they're like--smooth as fuck. They rattle off lines or throw smiles or do something that is so incredibly slick that you're like "God, this man FUCKS". Knight is one of those. Also, he does creepy shit like keep her ribbon in his pocket for YEARS.

--This book is actually really fucking meta. Regina wrote a book that is a memoir, but is anonymously written and fictionalized on some levels. What people--especially women--love about this book is its eroticism and passion and focus on women's pleasure. We see attempts to ban the book, attempts to shame the writer and the women gleefully reading it, attempts to dismiss its importance. Reading a historical romance focusing so hard on this during an era when the US at least is becoming increasingly puritanical, with calls to shame ethical sexual content in fiction and to outright ban expressions of sexuality and sexual autonomy for women and queer people in particular... It was really cool. I love that Lorraine's past couple of books in particular have used their historical backdrop to make a commentary about issues that plague us to this day.

Where this book is better over The Counterfeit Scoundrel, in my opinion, is in its ability to maintain a searing romance. Counterfeit's romance was good, and it was a very romantic book. But this book had me feeling the way books like Waking Up with the Duke and When the Duke Was Wicked did. The romance is that good.

--Another interesting thing this book brings to the table is its focus on illegitimacy. Regina is illegitimate, but her mother was her father's long-term mistress, essentially his wife of the evening, and he was an involved figure in her life who recognized her. Bastards and mistresses are often a thorny topic in historical romance. The goal of most historicals is ultimately marriage--but the reality is that, among the nobility at least (which most historicals still focus on) love was reserved for paramours. Bastards were perhaps more likely to be born of love, or at least passion, than legitimate children. And while we often scorn mistresses to this day, mistresses functioned (and... let's be real, still do) as different types of wives. In this case, Regina's father's wife was the one who hosted balls and attended functions (important!). While her mother was his emotional refuge and partner (also important!).

Lorraine executes a really interesting analysis of these roles. Regina is not to be pitied--she's had loving parents and her father always made sure she had cash to spare. But she also has three siblings she's never met, who resented her. She's also shamed more for losing Knight because she is a bastard. Her mother was a badass woman who taught her daughter to prioritize and not be ashamed of love and sexual pleasure (a note I adored) but she also didn't get everything she deserved from the man she loved. The gray is explored really well here.

--I've seen some criticism re: the "why we broke up" of it all... And I suppose it could've been a bit more high stakes? But I personally love an internal conflict, where people kind of act stupid because they're human beings and human beings rely on emotion and issues like insecurity and the sense of obligation and can ultimately make a big impact. So for me, it really didn't affect my enjoyment of the book. I love it when people make realistically bad decisions and have to deal with the consequences.

--You do get flashbacks to Regina and Knight's original courtship so--two romances in one! I really adored the contrast to the heady, innocent days of the virginal Regina's seduction by this rake, against the more jaded Regina trying so desperately to deny her feelings for Knight, who clearly loves her and has always loved her. Them coming back together as angsty people who've Seen Shit was everything.

The Sex Stuff:

There are a few different sex scenes in this book, scattered among the flashbacks and the present. I always feel like Lorraine's books are truly sensual. The sex scenes aren't as explicit and are somewhat more euphemistic than those by other authors I love, but she conveys passion and wanting so well that I don't need it to be as graphic. It's hot. One of the sexiest scenes in the book is literally a kissing scene.

But also, he fucks her real good. So. No worries there.

She's done it again! I loved this book, and recommend it wholeheartedly. Peak second chance.

Thanks to Netgalley and Avon for providing a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[adambstingus]

7 WTF Sex Scenes That Will Destroy Your Sanity

Sex scenes, while occasionally controversial, are a fairly regular part of cinema, from Eyes Wide Shut to Boogie Nights to Casablanca before they had to cut out all the orgy scenes. But in addition to their ability to titillate, certain movies (especially horror) like to get real creative with how far they can stretch the definition of erotica. And while some sexual experimentation can make for a great anniversary, too much of it might just put you off having sex for the rest of your life.

We’d warn you of all the nudity in this article, but it’s honestly the least inappropriate content you’re going to find compared to …

7

Denise Richards Does A Striptease For A Dinosaur’s Disembodied Brain

Post-Jurassic Park Hollywood tried to jam dinosaurs into just about every movie, from The Flintstones to that movie where Whoopi Goldberg was legally forced to solve crimes with a dino buddy. Then there’s Tammy And The T-Rex, an instant classic where Denise Richards plays a girl whose dead boyfriend (played by Paul Walker) has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur. Why not a real dinosaur? Because that would be ridiculous.

You’d think the screenwriters would have their hands full with the whole cyborg tyrannosaurus plot, but they somehow managed to also find time to add in a whole bunch of weird sexual tension throughout the movie– like a schoolyard fight that results in a surprising amount of dick-grabbing.

Scenes like the penis pinch seem out of place in Tammy And The T-Rex, which is quite the achievement if you think about it, but that’s not the movie’s fault — it’s the fault of uptight censors. You see, the movie was originally intended for mature audiences, with its violent scenes eventually cut out for the American release, such as this moment where the lovable T-Rex rips a guy’s head off.

But the weird sex stuff was totally fine for preteens, so that was left in. The very final moment of the film features a particularly baffling attempt at sexiness. After removing her boyfriend’s brain from the T-Rex, it now lives a hellish existence in a petri dish in Denise Richards’ room, wired to a camcorder that cruelly has the lens cap on while she’s out.

So what does she do to satiate Paul Walker’s existential agony? In a moment that was trimmed down for the PG version, she does an elaborate striptease. It’s pretty much the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what Krang’s bachelor party would look like.

And because the brain that lives on her nightstand obviously doesn’t have a penis, it reacts to arousal by ejaculating sparks all over her teddy bear, which is a fire hazard.

The movie ends with Richards jumping on the bed for the really naughty stuff to happen. Of course, we don’t get to see any of that because the movie fades to black.

The brain in the jar also can’t see any of that, because the bed is out of its field of vision. Brains don’t have arms, Denise, you need to move the camera for him! Or, y’know, unplug him and let him pass blessedly on into eternity. Whichever.

6

Ninja Women Dispatch Enemies With Their Magic Genitals

It’s a common movie trope that the femme fatale assassin uses her sexuality to eliminate her target. But Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3: Sacred Book of Sexual Position (not a porno) boldly asks the question, “What if female assassins literally used their genitals to kill people?”

The sequel to a movie in which the Catholic Church hides treasure maps in vaginas, Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3 finds a gang of (not surprisingly) female ninjas seeking an ancient book of sexual positions. Along the way, they have to best a series of warriors with their feminine ninjitsu skills … which mainly involves them getting molested and then erupting vengeance from various orifices. For example, one ninja quickly transitions from sex to squirting a guy in the face with acid breast milk, like some misguided erotic version of the dilophosaurus attack in Jurassic Park.

Cinefile Videos

Cinefile Videos “No use dying over spilt milk.”

In another hectic battle, one ninja busts out the aptly named “Vagina Bubbles From Hell”– a slow-moving mass of vaginal soap suds …

Cinefile Videos

… And this lethal bubble bath literally kills a dude, who we can only assume went to the afterlife red with embarrassment.

That’s not even the dumbest vagina-related magic power in the movie. That honor is reserved for the powerful mystic who turns her enemies’ … uh, goo, into a weapon with her vagina silly-string (from Hell).

5

The Hilarious Werewolf Threesome In The Howling II

Werewolves combine the worst parts of puberty: the rampant hormonal rampages and the unfortunate body hair. So, despite the Twilight saga’s most mediocre efforts, you can’t make a werewolf sexy. Case in point, The Howling II.

A sequel to the werewolf classic, with a subtitle that sounds like a line from Dracula’s Friars Club roast, Howling II: … Your Sister Is A Werewolf opens with Christopher Lee. In space. Talking about werewolf boning. Don’t worry, the British accent totally sells it.

After all that build-up about “beasts” and “fornications,” we finally see the Werewolf Queen’s castle, a temple of sin filled with … old people, for some reason. Apparently, the werewolf community is totally cool with senior citizens getting bussed to their Zorro-themed orgies.

Three of the werewolves splinter off to a candelabra-filled bedchamber to have a threeway. Well, we say “threeway,” but it’s mostly just a whole lot of watching and not a lot of movement. For all of Christopher Lee’s ranting about the abject sin of lycanthropy, these two hairy asses are fumbling about like it’s werewolf prom night at their werewolf Catholic school.

Eventually, the Werewolf Queen joins in, but seemingly goes to great effort not to physically touch the other werewolves, probably because the filmmakers didn’t want her $200 manicure getting tangled up in all that recycled pubic hair.

If there was a porn parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats directed by someone who had never had sex before, this is probably what it would look like:

4

A Nurse Bangs An Anatomically Correct Medical Dummy In Front Of A Child

Pin is a Canadian horror movie about a young man who kills people because a medical dummy told him to.

In a flashback, the killer’s backstory shows that his doctor father used the anatomically correct dummy to teach his kids. He even did the voice of the dummy, just to maximize the chance of future psychic traumas.

Eventually, his son starts to think the dummy is real. It doesn’t help his delusion when the kid catches a nurse using the dummy as a marital aid.

What starts as some gentle petting quickly turns into a speedy run-through of years of sexual education for the peeping tom …

… Then she crushes that dummy’s ass in what the Kama Sutra calls the “Loveless Marriage Lotus.” The kid’s reaction shot says it all.

With this brief but potent girl-on-medical-equipment action, we now know exactly (through shared trauma) why this child becomes a deranged killer. That’s one psychosis out of the way, but what about the nurse’s? The movie never explains what the hell is going on with her. Do the filmmakers think that this how health care providers spend their coffee breaks? Why don’t we follow her around for ninety minutes and see where that angel of death vibe may lead? Probably to a mannequin store.

3

Jason Voorhees Kills A Potential Threesome In The Wackiest Way Possible

We all know Jason X wasn’t exactly the strongest of the Friday The 13th movies; it has a cast of terrible actors, a spaceship set that looks like a sci-fi-themed Motel 6, and a musical score that was likely played on a toddler’s bumblebee-shaped keytar. But it did do the one thing all Friday The 13th movies are supposed to: make teens everywhere regret wanting to have sex.

The movie finds a group of futuristic students on a field trip in space when the frozen body of Jason Voorhees comes to life and starts murdering people — another good reminder of why permission slips always need to be signed. At one point, the intrepid group of survivors trap Jason in what’s basically a holodeck simulation of a country resort, in a desperate attempt to slow him down with wistful nostalgia.

Worried that Jason won’t simply drop his machete in favor of drinking mai tais in a deck chair, they add in some horny teenagers …

… Who immediately get naked and try to seduce a confused Jason …

Jason, even though it wasn’t on the menu, picks the murder option. He lets the naked child-supervisors get into sleeping bags and then beats one sleeping bag against the other sleeping bag …

… And to neatly wrap things up, kills the other counselor with one whack of a sleeping bag to a tree.

Which is both a call-back to Friday The 13th Part VII, and a handy way to save money on gore effects. But let’s go back to the holodeck for a sec. Which future pervert thought it was a great idea to program a university research vessel with the simulation of a summer camp sex fantasy that hasn’t been relevant since the late 80s? Even more disturbing, these topless gals are specifically simulations of Camp Crystal Lake counselors, a place only known in this universe as the site of a famous massacre. What we’re saying is that that sleeping bag whack-a-mole we just saw Jason do is probably the least gruesome act ever performed on that holodeck.

2

Troll 2: The Goblin Queen Bangs A Dude With A Corncob (And Ejaculates Popcorn)

Aside from the fact that it was technically the first Harry Potter movie, Troll 2 is most well known for being possibly the worst movie of all time. Troll 2‘s human protagonists were maybe even less believable than the puppets, so it’s not surprising that the movie’s brief dalliance with eroticism would be about as sexy as sticking your junk into a thresher just because it said it loved you.

The scene in question starts with All-American boy Brent sitting in front of the TV, channel hopping, when suddenly he lands on a woman seductively caressing some corn on the cob — which is some kind of black magic, or the Green Giant commercials used to be a whole lot more fun.

The mysterious temptress then tells Brent to go outside because she’s waiting near his trailer and holy shit, all those beer commercials were right after all!

What Brent doesn’t know is that she’s actually the Goblin Queen, presumably hanging out in trailer parks because she’s fed up with her husband’s baby-stealing and their unnecessarily muppet-filled house. But we can forgive him for being … distracted.

They go back inside the trailer to do it, hard. But she has one condition: the corn gets to play too.

Because this is all part of her evil trick, Brent’s orgasm causes an explosion of popcorn as if he’s part of Orville Redenbacher’s wet dreams …

… Which then almost kills him as he drowns in his own salty, butter-soaked sex corn.

Troll 2 obviously performed very badly at the box office, but this scene makes us wonder if that was merely due to the movie being terrible, or the fact that it showed audiences the most popular concession-stand food covered in sex mucus?

That’s the difference between a regular bad movie and Troll 2. A regular bad movie will ruin 90 minutes of your life; Troll 2 will ruin your moviegoing experience forever.

1

Faust Has The Most Disgusting Sex Scene Of All Time

Faust: Love Of The Damned tells the story of an artist named John Jaspers (thus dodging the litigious wrath of famed artist Jasper Johns) who sells his soul to the devil in order to become a demon superhero and avenge his girlfriend’s death. Think Spawn, but if his mom made his costume for him.

One memorably horrifying scene finds the devil (who in the movie looks like a 90-year-old woman doing her best John Malkovich impersonation) about to get it on with his girlfriend — because in the age of internet dating, there’s always the odd chance that you accidentally wind up going out with the Prince of Darkness …

… But it turns out the woman has crossed him, so as a punishment he uses his evil magic to make her boobs and butt turn gigantic, and then melt. Again, he’s the devil, so we can’t be 100 percent sure this isn’t just some weird demonic foreplay.

Eventually, the seductress is reduced to nothing but a shuddering, liquid, four-leaf clover of female sexuality. It’s a pretty fucked-up, gross scene. If David Cronenberg ever directed an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, this is probably the nightmare factory he’d produce.

You (yes, you) can follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

For more all time awkward moments in fictional fornication, check out 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Sex Scenes and The 6 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Video Game History.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Sex Scenes Made By People Who’ve Never Had Sex, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-wtf-sex-scenes-that-will-destroy-your-sanity/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/176327569462

[allofbeercom]

7 WTF Sex Scenes That Will Destroy Your Sanity

Sex scenes, while occasionally controversial, are a fairly regular part of cinema, from Eyes Wide Shut to Boogie Nights to Casablanca before they had to cut out all the orgy scenes. But in addition to their ability to titillate, certain movies (especially horror) like to get real creative with how far they can stretch the definition of erotica. And while some sexual experimentation can make for a great anniversary, too much of it might just put you off having sex for the rest of your life.

We’d warn you of all the nudity in this article, but it’s honestly the least inappropriate content you’re going to find compared to …

7

Denise Richards Does A Striptease For A Dinosaur’s Disembodied Brain

Post-Jurassic Park Hollywood tried to jam dinosaurs into just about every movie, from The Flintstones to that movie where Whoopi Goldberg was legally forced to solve crimes with a dino buddy. Then there’s Tammy And The T-Rex, an instant classic where Denise Richards plays a girl whose dead boyfriend (played by Paul Walker) has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur. Why not a real dinosaur? Because that would be ridiculous.

You’d think the screenwriters would have their hands full with the whole cyborg tyrannosaurus plot, but they somehow managed to also find time to add in a whole bunch of weird sexual tension throughout the movie– like a schoolyard fight that results in a surprising amount of dick-grabbing.

Scenes like the penis pinch seem out of place in Tammy And The T-Rex, which is quite the achievement if you think about it, but that’s not the movie’s fault — it’s the fault of uptight censors. You see, the movie was originally intended for mature audiences, with its violent scenes eventually cut out for the American release, such as this moment where the lovable T-Rex rips a guy’s head off.

But the weird sex stuff was totally fine for preteens, so that was left in. The very final moment of the film features a particularly baffling attempt at sexiness. After removing her boyfriend’s brain from the T-Rex, it now lives a hellish existence in a petri dish in Denise Richards’ room, wired to a camcorder that cruelly has the lens cap on while she’s out.

So what does she do to satiate Paul Walker’s existential agony? In a moment that was trimmed down for the PG version, she does an elaborate striptease. It’s pretty much the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what Krang’s bachelor party would look like.

And because the brain that lives on her nightstand obviously doesn’t have a penis, it reacts to arousal by ejaculating sparks all over her teddy bear, which is a fire hazard.

The movie ends with Richards jumping on the bed for the really naughty stuff to happen. Of course, we don’t get to see any of that because the movie fades to black.

The brain in the jar also can’t see any of that, because the bed is out of its field of vision. Brains don’t have arms, Denise, you need to move the camera for him! Or, y’know, unplug him and let him pass blessedly on into eternity. Whichever.

6

Ninja Women Dispatch Enemies With Their Magic Genitals

It’s a common movie trope that the femme fatale assassin uses her sexuality to eliminate her target. But Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3: Sacred Book of Sexual Position (not a porno) boldly asks the question, “What if female assassins literally used their genitals to kill people?”

The sequel to a movie in which the Catholic Church hides treasure maps in vaginas, Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3 finds a gang of (not surprisingly) female ninjas seeking an ancient book of sexual positions. Along the way, they have to best a series of warriors with their feminine ninjitsu skills … which mainly involves them getting molested and then erupting vengeance from various orifices. For example, one ninja quickly transitions from sex to squirting a guy in the face with acid breast milk, like some misguided erotic version of the dilophosaurus attack in Jurassic Park.

Cinefile Videos

Cinefile Videos “No use dying over spilt milk.”

In another hectic battle, one ninja busts out the aptly named “Vagina Bubbles From Hell”– a slow-moving mass of vaginal soap suds …

Cinefile Videos

… And this lethal bubble bath literally kills a dude, who we can only assume went to the afterlife red with embarrassment.

That’s not even the dumbest vagina-related magic power in the movie. That honor is reserved for the powerful mystic who turns her enemies’ … uh, goo, into a weapon with her vagina silly-string (from Hell).

5

The Hilarious Werewolf Threesome In The Howling II

Werewolves combine the worst parts of puberty: the rampant hormonal rampages and the unfortunate body hair. So, despite the Twilight saga’s most mediocre efforts, you can’t make a werewolf sexy. Case in point, The Howling II.

A sequel to the werewolf classic, with a subtitle that sounds like a line from Dracula’s Friars Club roast, Howling II: … Your Sister Is A Werewolf opens with Christopher Lee. In space. Talking about werewolf boning. Don’t worry, the British accent totally sells it.

After all that build-up about “beasts” and “fornications,” we finally see the Werewolf Queen’s castle, a temple of sin filled with … old people, for some reason. Apparently, the werewolf community is totally cool with senior citizens getting bussed to their Zorro-themed orgies.

Three of the werewolves splinter off to a candelabra-filled bedchamber to have a threeway. Well, we say “threeway,” but it’s mostly just a whole lot of watching and not a lot of movement. For all of Christopher Lee’s ranting about the abject sin of lycanthropy, these two hairy asses are fumbling about like it’s werewolf prom night at their werewolf Catholic school.

Eventually, the Werewolf Queen joins in, but seemingly goes to great effort not to physically touch the other werewolves, probably because the filmmakers didn’t want her $200 manicure getting tangled up in all that recycled pubic hair.

If there was a porn parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats directed by someone who had never had sex before, this is probably what it would look like:

4

A Nurse Bangs An Anatomically Correct Medical Dummy In Front Of A Child

Pin is a Canadian horror movie about a young man who kills people because a medical dummy told him to.

In a flashback, the killer’s backstory shows that his doctor father used the anatomically correct dummy to teach his kids. He even did the voice of the dummy, just to maximize the chance of future psychic traumas.

Eventually, his son starts to think the dummy is real. It doesn’t help his delusion when the kid catches a nurse using the dummy as a marital aid.

What starts as some gentle petting quickly turns into a speedy run-through of years of sexual education for the peeping tom …

… Then she crushes that dummy’s ass in what the Kama Sutra calls the “Loveless Marriage Lotus.” The kid’s reaction shot says it all.

With this brief but potent girl-on-medical-equipment action, we now know exactly (through shared trauma) why this child becomes a deranged killer. That’s one psychosis out of the way, but what about the nurse’s? The movie never explains what the hell is going on with her. Do the filmmakers think that this how health care providers spend their coffee breaks? Why don’t we follow her around for ninety minutes and see where that angel of death vibe may lead? Probably to a mannequin store.

3

Jason Voorhees Kills A Potential Threesome In The Wackiest Way Possible

We all know Jason X wasn’t exactly the strongest of the Friday The 13th movies; it has a cast of terrible actors, a spaceship set that looks like a sci-fi-themed Motel 6, and a musical score that was likely played on a toddler’s bumblebee-shaped keytar. But it did do the one thing all Friday The 13th movies are supposed to: make teens everywhere regret wanting to have sex.

The movie finds a group of futuristic students on a field trip in space when the frozen body of Jason Voorhees comes to life and starts murdering people — another good reminder of why permission slips always need to be signed. At one point, the intrepid group of survivors trap Jason in what’s basically a holodeck simulation of a country resort, in a desperate attempt to slow him down with wistful nostalgia.

Worried that Jason won’t simply drop his machete in favor of drinking mai tais in a deck chair, they add in some horny teenagers …

… Who immediately get naked and try to seduce a confused Jason …

Jason, even though it wasn’t on the menu, picks the murder option. He lets the naked child-supervisors get into sleeping bags and then beats one sleeping bag against the other sleeping bag …

… And to neatly wrap things up, kills the other counselor with one whack of a sleeping bag to a tree.

Which is both a call-back to Friday The 13th Part VII, and a handy way to save money on gore effects. But let’s go back to the holodeck for a sec. Which future pervert thought it was a great idea to program a university research vessel with the simulation of a summer camp sex fantasy that hasn’t been relevant since the late 80s? Even more disturbing, these topless gals are specifically simulations of Camp Crystal Lake counselors, a place only known in this universe as the site of a famous massacre. What we’re saying is that that sleeping bag whack-a-mole we just saw Jason do is probably the least gruesome act ever performed on that holodeck.

2

Troll 2: The Goblin Queen Bangs A Dude With A Corncob (And Ejaculates Popcorn)

Aside from the fact that it was technically the first Harry Potter movie, Troll 2 is most well known for being possibly the worst movie of all time. Troll 2‘s human protagonists were maybe even less believable than the puppets, so it’s not surprising that the movie’s brief dalliance with eroticism would be about as sexy as sticking your junk into a thresher just because it said it loved you.

The scene in question starts with All-American boy Brent sitting in front of the TV, channel hopping, when suddenly he lands on a woman seductively caressing some corn on the cob — which is some kind of black magic, or the Green Giant commercials used to be a whole lot more fun.

The mysterious temptress then tells Brent to go outside because she’s waiting near his trailer and holy shit, all those beer commercials were right after all!

What Brent doesn’t know is that she’s actually the Goblin Queen, presumably hanging out in trailer parks because she’s fed up with her husband’s baby-stealing and their unnecessarily muppet-filled house. But we can forgive him for being … distracted.

They go back inside the trailer to do it, hard. But she has one condition: the corn gets to play too.

Because this is all part of her evil trick, Brent’s orgasm causes an explosion of popcorn as if he’s part of Orville Redenbacher’s wet dreams …

… Which then almost kills him as he drowns in his own salty, butter-soaked sex corn.

Troll 2 obviously performed very badly at the box office, but this scene makes us wonder if that was merely due to the movie being terrible, or the fact that it showed audiences the most popular concession-stand food covered in sex mucus?

That’s the difference between a regular bad movie and Troll 2. A regular bad movie will ruin 90 minutes of your life; Troll 2 will ruin your moviegoing experience forever.

1

Faust Has The Most Disgusting Sex Scene Of All Time

Faust: Love Of The Damned tells the story of an artist named John Jaspers (thus dodging the litigious wrath of famed artist Jasper Johns) who sells his soul to the devil in order to become a demon superhero and avenge his girlfriend’s death. Think Spawn, but if his mom made his costume for him.

One memorably horrifying scene finds the devil (who in the movie looks like a 90-year-old woman doing her best John Malkovich impersonation) about to get it on with his girlfriend — because in the age of internet dating, there’s always the odd chance that you accidentally wind up going out with the Prince of Darkness …

… But it turns out the woman has crossed him, so as a punishment he uses his evil magic to make her boobs and butt turn gigantic, and then melt. Again, he’s the devil, so we can’t be 100 percent sure this isn’t just some weird demonic foreplay.

Eventually, the seductress is reduced to nothing but a shuddering, liquid, four-leaf clover of female sexuality. It’s a pretty fucked-up, gross scene. If David Cronenberg ever directed an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, this is probably the nightmare factory he’d produce.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-wtf-sex-scenes-that-will-destroy-your-sanity/