#and then last night with both mashups being something that might be forever remembered as a lowkey big thing in the fandom

[elliedafish]

So, I think it's official that Taylor really loves Canada and her Canadian fans.

[in-love-with-darth-vader]

Aggressive Negotiations Episode 2: Old Friends

Hello!!! It’s been a little bit and due to some personal issues I haven’t been able to write, so I’m not sure how good this part is, but I still wanted to post something!

“Padme! It’s been so long, how have you been?”

“Satine!”

*the two friends hug briefly*

“This is a lovely gathering. I’m having a wonderful time.”

“Oh, good, I’m very glad.”

*padme realizes Anakin is still standing awkwardly next to her*

“Oh! I’m sorry. Satine, I’m sure you remember Jedi Knight Skywalker.”

“Indeed. Hello Anakin.”

“Nice to see you. If I would’ve known the Duchess of Mandalore was coming, I would’ve made sure my Master was here too. It’s very unprofessional of us, I apologize.”

*he said this with a smirk and you just KNOW he’s stirring the pot*

“Hmmm, yes, I would’ve enjoyed seeing him as well.”

*int. With Anakin*

“I know you want to ask me so yes, I have a plan!”

You have a plan?

“Have you ever seen the parent trap?

Yeah…

“Well, Obi-Wan and Satine are the two parents and I am both the children. Or, maybe Ahsoka can be the other one. That’s not relevant. Anyway, now that I know Satine is here, I need to get her and Obi-Wan back together. Operation Parent Trap is a go!”

Is there a reason for this plan?

“Look, I love Obi-Wan. He’s like an older brother. Perhaps a father figure. In another lifetime, we may have even been lovers. In short, I want him to be happy. I know he loves the Jedi Order, but I also know he still loves Satine. I’m gonna have to get Padme and Ahsoka in on this.”

*back to the scene*

“Yeah, maybe you can leave with us later and we can all hang out.”

“Perhaps. Well, Padme, I’ll certainly be back around to speak more with you, but I must go speak to some more people to sway their vote.”

“Of course. See you soon!”

*she turns back to Anakin in a yell-whisper*

“What do you mean his girlfriend?!?!?”

“I would love to tell you now, but I don’t exactly think it would be appropriate to tell all the senators and the Chancellor about Obi-Wan’s past, maybe current secret relationship.”

“Okay. Good point. But you’re spilling it all the second we get home!”

“Definitely.”

*int. With Padme*

“I cannot believe this! Look, I’ve known Obi-Wan for a long time, and since Anakin is his Padawan I know him very well. So Anakin telling me that Obi-Wan, The Jedi Master Golden Boy, the most perfect Jedi there ever was, BROKE THE RULES for love and attachment is utterly unbelievable. I mean, this whole time Anakin and I have been hiding and sneaking around when Obi-Wan has been doing this for years?!?! I’m speechless.”

*intro and title card*

“You know, you should try to set Satine up with someone next time she’s over here.”

“What good would that do? I thought you wanted her and Obi-Wan to get back together.”

“I do. But everyone thinks she’s single, so we have to keep up that ruse. If you offer to set her up with someone, she’ll have to make up insane excuses and that will prove she’s not over Obi-Wan!”

“I don’t know, Ani. Seems a bit manipulative of our friends. It feels wrong.”

“Nonsense. The manipulation of our friends is for their benefit, so it’s fine.”

“Okay, fine. But I’m only doing this because I still don’t fully believe you that Obi-Wan was ever secretly in love with someone!”

“That’s fine, cause by the end of the night you’ll believe it.”

*they split off. Padme seeks out satine and Anakin stays by the snack table to watch this all unfold. Also, the cocktail weenies. Luckily for Padme, satine is leaning against a wall near a window looking outside and she’s alone.*

“Enjoying the view?”

“Ah, yes. I’ve always loved looking over Coruscant at night. It’s beautiful. Every time I’m here I end up looking out at the night sky longingly.”

*int with Padme*

“Okay, so she’s clearly been here many times. I only know of a few official times that she’s been here for political business, so she’s definitely been here for personal reasons.”

*back to the scene*

“I agree. It’s a pleasure to get to live here. Although Mandalore is gorgeous as well.”

“Indeed.”

“So, you know Anakin already?”

“Oh, yes. Last time I was here, Obi,…….Wan Kenobi introduced us. He’s a very interesting man. He and his master seem to care about each other greatly though.”

“Yes they do indeed. They get in each other’s hair from time to time but they are very close.”

“It seems like you’re very close to him too, no?”

“Yeah, I met Anakin when we were children, and we’ve been friends ever since. In fact,

*she pulls out her necklace revealing it to be the one we all know from the phantom menace*

“he made me this when he was nine.”

“Hmm, friends? It seems as if it’s more than that. How long have you been together?”

“Oh! No! Uh, no we’re not-it’s not….I’m single actually. Not interested in anyone. And he’s a Jedi, so….”

“So they can’t love. No attachments. Trust me, I know. Although, that’s never stopped anyone from breaking those rules, hmm?”

“I suppose so, but no, I’m not currently seeing anyone. How about you? Any secret Jedi lovers?”

*satine coughs and chokes on her drink at that making Padme smirk evilly*

“Oh, no! No, definitely not. In fact, I’m not seeing anyone either. Not interested. Completely content by myself. In fact, I haven’t been with someone since I was nineteen.”

“That many years by yourself! What do you say I set you up with someone? I know some great people.”

“Oh, no, I think I’ll pass, Padme.”

“Aw, come on! It’ll be fun.”

“Perhaps we could go on a double date then?”

“What?”

*int with satine*

“I know Padme and Anakin are together. There’s no way she’ll agree to going on a double first date with me because she’s already seeing Anakin. Therefore I won’t have to go either.”

Is there a reason that you don’t want to go?

“.......that’s unimportant.”

*back to the scene*

“Oh, you know, if you’re going to set me up with someone, I might as well do the same for you! So what do you say? We’re both single, we could both go on a date, yes?”

*panic is clear on Padme’s face. We switch to an int. with Padme*

“What the hell is she doing?!?!? If I don’t accept, then it looks like I’m hiding something! If I do accept, then I’ll have to go on a date! And not with my husband! But we need to get to the bottom of this!”

*back to the scene*

“Of course! Sounds like a fun time!”

*int. with satine*

“....Haar'chak.”

*back to scene*

“Great! Luckily I’m here on Coruscant for the rest of the week! Just let me know when!”

“Will do! See you later, Satine!”

*padme walks back over to Anakin*

“So?”

“So I have good news and bad news.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Good news is that you’re totally right. She’s hiding something. Bad news is that she agreed to go on the date, so now I do have to set her up with someone.”

“Alright, that’s not so bad-“

“There’s worse news.”

“...what happened?”

“She definitely knows we’re together and in order to prove it she suggested setting me up with someone too on a double first date! She was trying to get me to say no to spill the details of our relationship!”

“Okay, but you did say no, right?”

*padme looks down at the floor away from Anakin*

“Right???”

“I had to say yes! I’m sorry! I wasn’t going to expose us and get you expelled!”

*anakin sighs*

“Okay. Okay fine. But tomorrow, you, Ahsoka, and I are getting to the bottom of this and making a plan.”

*we switch now to obi-wan Kenobi. He is exiting a Jedi council meeting when suddenly he stops and closes his eyes. He senses something.*

“Master Kenobi, are you alright?”

“Oh, uh, yes, Master Windu, I’m quite alright.”

“An imbalance in the force, did you feel?”

“Something like that. I just need some rest. I’m off to my quarters now.”

*int. with obi wan*

“I swear I felt her through the force. I haven’t felt it since the Coronet. I must be going crazy. I really do need some rest.”

*he leaves the interview before anyone can inform him that satine is indeed here. we are now back at Anakin and padme’s apartment, the day after the senator gathering. On the couch is Padme and ahsoka. Anakin is standing a few feet away next to a whiteboard with his back turned to them both as he’s writing something down.*

“Padme, what in the galaxy is he up to?”

*before Padme can answer Anakin turns around and interrupts*

“I’m so glad you asked, Snips!”

“What is that????”

*she points to anakin’s torso, more specifically at his shirt. He somehow had time to customize a black t shirt in less than a day’s time.*

“Ah! So you like my shirt!”

“Like isn’t the word I was going to-“

“I’m glad you do! Because you get one too! And so do you, Senator.”

*he smirks and tosses them both the same black t shirt that he’s wearing*

“What the heck is an Obitine? And why are we on its team?”

*anakin steps to the side to reveal the whiteboard. At the top in capital letters it says OPERATION PARENT TRAP: OBITINE EDITION. On his shirt in big white letters is TEAM OBITINE*

“That, my Padawan, is a mashup of Obi-Wan and Satine’s names.”

“But why?”

“Cause they’re in love, Snips. Must I spell this all out for you!”

“Anakin, are you on death sticks? Cause it certainly seems like it. There’s no way Master Obi-Wan has attachments, let alone a lover.”

“I’m gonna prove it to you today. Look, even Padme is in on it.”

“That’s true. I didn’t believe him either until I talked to Satine last night. I attempted to set her up with someone since she claimed she was single, but now we’re stuck because she also called me out on being single. Now there’s going to be a double first date that we need to plan for.”

“Wait a minute, you’re not single??”

*anakin and Padme give each other the ‘oh shit look’*

*int with Anakin and Padme*

“I really shouldn’t have let that slip.”

“Great. Now we have to not only get you a fake date for a day but now we have to get you a fake date for forever!”

Or you could just, tell ahsoka you guys are together, right?

*in sync* “NO!”

“Who knows who she’ll tell! Too many people already know!”

“Wait a minute. What do you mean too many people know? Who knows other than us?”

“Well other than me and you, I’m 90% sure Obi-Wan does, Satine definitely does, I guarantee that Rex knows by now and maybe more of the 501st and probably Cody too. And Ahsoka might too! Plus Artoo and Threepio if you count them.”

“Oh, for Force sake, Anakin.”

“I’m not the one who told Ahsoka I was seeing someone!”

“I’m sorry! We’ll just keep it super secret and not tell her much. It’ll be fiiiine.”

*back to the scene*

“Well, yes, Ahsoka, I am, but it’s very secret and not super official, so I don’t really tell anyone. I do trust you though, so I’m sure you won’t tell anyone, yes?”

“Oh, of course Padme! No problem. So, we have to find you a fake date since you can’t take your real one and we have to find a fake date for Satine?”

“Well, my date is up to Satine, but otherwise yes.”

“Great. Let’s do this!”

“Glad you’re on board, Snips. But first, we really have to figure out whatever the hell is going on between Obi-Wan and Satine.”

*he writes and draws on the board*

“Ta da!”

“Is that supposed to be Obi-Wan and Satine?”

“Yes. It’s obvious. These are great drawings. Anyway. What do we know about their relationship is the question. Anyone wanna contribute first?”

“Well, last night, she definitely slipped up and called him ‘Obi.’ She casually said Obi, realized it, and then slipped in ‘Wan Kenobi.’”

“Calls him Obi! Great!”

*he writes that down on the board*

“Oh! And she’s definitely been to Coruscant on her own personal business before. Like, many times.”

“Thank you for your contribution, Padme. Now, since I’m his former Padawan and best friend, I know a lot more about their past. Sadly not a lot but at least more than you guys do.”

“Yeah, which is why I’m confused as to why I’m here.”

“Because you have to understand everything so that you can be in on this plan, my impatient Padawan. Here’s what I know. I know that when they were both nineteen, they were on the run together on a mission that the Jedi Council assigned Obi-Wan and his master Qui Gon. I also know that something happened between them during that year, I just know it. Obi-Wan hinted at it and assured me it was ‘all in the past,’ but that’s definitely a lie. I mean, they were nineteen, on the run, and had to keep everything a secret. Nothing’s more romantic than that.”

*he writes this down as he speaks*

*ahsoka gives the camera a look like ??? as Anakin winks at Padme who rolls her eyes*

*int with ahsoka*

“Did he just….?? Did Anakin?? Did he just wink at the Senator???? Is he really flirting with Padme while talking about Obi-Wan’s relationship??? He really needs to get over this crush.”

*back to the scene*

“Aaannnyway. Yeah. Something happened during that year.”

“Wait, Ani, did you say they were both 19 during that time?”

“Uh, yeah, why?”

“Satine told me last night that she hadn’t been in a relationship since she was 19 years old!”

“See Snips!!! See!!! I told you!!”

“Okay, you have a point there.”

“I have the best proof, though. Something I haven’t told anyone. Obi-Wan doesn’t know that I overheard him and Satine on the Coronet. Satine thought she was going to die. She told him that she’s always loved him. Obi-Wan was hesitant, but he told her that he would’ve left the Jedi Order if she would have asked him. He would’ve left the Jedi Order!!”

“Why didn’t you START wIth that?? That’s kriffing insane! Obi-Wan said that??? Our Obi-Wan.”

“That Obi-Wan, yes. You should’ve seen him before that. He was a nervous wreck. And he was flirting with her!”

“Alright, master. I’m on board. Operation Obitine is a go. Let’s do this!”

*switch to obi wan. he’s walking down a hallway in the senate building at night. No one else is there due to how late it is. He can’t sleep. He decides to go out onto a balcony that he’s particularly fond of to watch the chaos of Coruscant at night.*

“I should’ve known you’d be here. This is where we’d watch the sunrise whenever I was visiting.”

*he turns around*

“Satine??”

“I’ve missed you, Obi.”

END OF PART 2

Oh! Bonus:

Anakin’s Whiteboard

[maryellencarter]

What is your middle name? -- You know, about a year ago in a D&D session, I was attempting to sass the big bad (I’m much better at sass when I have time to think about it, D&D is such a time pressure that I’ve wound up playing much more of a strong silent type than I intended), and I said “Defiance is my middle name” and the DM wound up making Defiance the name of the country my character is from. Which is a delightful sort of NYC/Vegas mashup, quite different from Defiance, Ohio. ^_^ Also the capital city is called Skreuyu (pronounced, of course, Screw-you). :D

What are you passionate about? -- Dear god. What aren’t I passionate about? O_O I could attempt a brief and incomplete list, but this is a long meme anyway. ;-) Besides, you’re here, you’ll hear about it all sooner or later. XD

Zebra or leopard print? -- Either one, but only if it’s in day-glo neon rainbow colors. And not to wear, particularly. Fake-fur blankets and pillows, mostly. Lisa Frank was... a formative influence. ^_^ If I ever have money to actually decorate a place of my own, it’s gonna look very much like Wes Janson decorated it, although possibly with fewer Ewoks. (I do have a BB-8 penny bank, though.)

Do you have any fears? -- Honestly, at this exact moment, I’m too damn sleep-deprived to know. XD When I’m awake it’s probably social anxiety stuff. When I wake up at 4am tomorrow in my car, I may or may not be having the kind of weird quasi-psychotic fears that come with a certain level of sleep deprivation, where I’m suddenly convinced my laptop is going to eat me. Right now, nothing especially comes to mind.

Silver or gold? -- To wear? Gold. My skin corrodes silver. But as a color, I like silver better.

Top three places to visit? -- Ooh. Um. That I’ve been to, or not? I want to go back to Washington DC, and someday I want to be extremely sane and go back to Indiana, and someday I’d like to go back to the Black Hills and see all the geology tourism things, because the only one I saw as a kid was Mount Rushmore, which is more of a colonialism tourism thing. That I’ve not been to... Scotland, maybe? And Hawaii and Yellowstone, again for the geology nerdery? I feel like there are places I’ve very specifically wanted to go someday that I’m blanking on.

Where are you from? -- Indiana, once upon a time. Love the place, cannot deal with the people. Miss the snow. And the autumn leaves. And the library.

First career you wanted as a child? -- Paleontologist, best I can remember. Some things stay pretty constant. I don’t have the physical health to be a geologist anymore, if I ever did, but damn, I still want to take some more classes or keep up with the field somehow.

What’s your sign? -- You know, I’m not being bothered with this at the moment. I’m sure it’ll come up in a reblog pretty soon, I do those memes a lot.

Future names of your children? -- I refuse to have any. Five generations my bio-family has fucked up, all by trying too damn hard not to be their mothers. I will be a weird adopted relative and not name anybody anything.

What are you listening to right now? -- A fifteen-minute instrumental cover of “Turkey in the Straw”, to block out the myriad noises of the fast food place so I can think words. I’ve been looping it for hours and I’ll presumably be looping it for hours more.

Do you believe in fate/destiny? -- I have a lot of weird conflicting opinions about things like fate and destiny. I think if the universe is being... directed, by a god or fate or destiny or anything with intelligence or purpose, it’s an asshole and ought to be punched. It’s not actually any less depressing if the universe is being run by random chance and just happens to shake out in ways that make it seem like it’s being run by an asshole, but it’s less angering. *tries to word* I do get the feeling, the... desire for shit to have a purpose and to make sense, but a big part of me thinks that’s pareidolia or something related. It’d be nice if all this bullshit was eventually gonna shake out to me being either a stable human being or an epic hero, but I strongly doubt it. (And even if it did, a smart enough god should be able to get me there with less suffering, if it wanted to. So at minimum, if there’s a fate or god or destiny directing me, it’s either sort of incompetent, or motivated by priorities like taking the most direct route rather than minimizing the chances for me to die along the way, or it’s kind of a sadist. Sorry, I have Feelings about this one.)

Ethan, however, has a take that I think is... relevant, to the state of the world at the moment. He thinks the specifics of the world at any given time are all determined by chaos and random motion, but that there’s a cosmic balance between... stuff that’s very hard to give names to. “Good and evil” is part of it. “Order and entropy” might be a little closer. “Light and darkness”, whatever. But there’s this cosmic balance, and if, say, the Forces of Evil or whatever you want to call them... if something pushes too hard in one direction, tries to make one side win, the universe is gonna bounce back. There’s always gonna be that push-pull. Lots of people can get hurt or killed in the process, but because Ethan and I both read LOTR at formative ages, where we wind up at is the line “They cannot conquer forever”. You can’t have... you can’t get stuck. This is probably terribly Manichaean or something of us, but right now that’s the best I can word. That there’s always gonna be the thing you are Against, but there’s also always gonna be the thing you are For, even if one of them gets pretty squished for a while.

What are your career goals? -- Sometimes what you want to be when you grow up is “paid”. ;P I’d like to reach a point where I never have to ask the internet for money again, while continuing to be alive, and maybe can even give other people money. Help support my friends, travel around doing meetups, go to conventions or whatever, maybe do some cosplay. What exact job I’d be doing, Chaos only knows.

What is your favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, midnight blue, cobalt blue. Often with stars on.

What is your favorite flower? -- Uh. I’m gonna say these little striped white and purple crocuses that would come up through the snow in the spring? I loved those.

What was the first concert/show you attended? -- The Monkees 45th anniversary reunion concert. I said at the time that I’d blown five years of luck on the improbable string of coincidences that led to me getting there, but I’m so damn glad it happened, because I enjoyed it immensely, and Davy Jones died before what would have been their 50th. And hey, that was 2011, maybe I’m accumulating some luck again. ;-)

Something you are working on right now? -- This meme? XD In more general terms, reblobbenating some really old posts from my previous blog, as well as filling up my queue from same. It’s pretty slow going.

Have you ever had a near-death experience? -- Not the sort where you see a tunnel of light or go out of your body. Just the kind where you nearly die. :P

Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? -- Pfffft. Time management is something that happens to other people. ;P Occasionally I do get something done right away, but mostly it’s the night before deadline, or sometimes the night after. o_O Maybe when I have some spoons I’ll be better at that.

Left or right handed? -- Right. Very much so. My left hand is clumsy enough that I never did really get the hang of playing the piano with both hands, and I still struggle with video games that aren’t Mass Effect. (I’m good at Mass Effect because I’ve been playing it for something like five years at this point. ^_^)

TV Shows and anime you watch regularly -- Hah. I don’t watch anything regularly. I don’t even read books regularly, I go through phases where I don’t read a book for months and then suddenly I’m reading ten in a day. And I don’t do open canons, anyway; they interact badly with my particular anxieties and stress levels.

Halloween costume idea for this year? -- I generally default to a cowboy or a pirate. I also have a witch hat now. But I might come up with something else. Living in an apartment complex, though, there will be no trick-or-treaters, so unless I wind up working somewhere that does Halloween costumes, the point is rather moot.

What is your relationship status? -- Single, aromantic, have never dated anyone, would rather like a primary relationship at some point but that’s an issue for when I can support myself. :P

Last movie you just watched? -- I genuinely don’t know. Probably Black Panther? No, that was like February. Hot Fuzz?

A song that’s been stuck in your head? -- This very seldom happens to me. I think the last one was Janice Buckner’s “Strange Friends”, a little-known ‘80s children’s song, of which I can remember neither the tune nor the lyrics. Usually I can at least remember the lyrics even if I don’t know what tune they went to.

A book you want to read/have recently read? -- Erm. I just reread Aaron Allston’s X-wing books, if you can call it rereading when I was mostly skimming looking for good tumblr URLs (I found a lot, but none that felt like me). I’m not really in a reading phase at the moment, so.

[stargazerdaisy]

11 Questions x 3

I was tagged by @kyliafanfiction, @trinitea-fics, and @skyeward-otp forever ago, but there’s no way I can come up with 33 questions.  So I’ll answer the 33 and come up with a new 11.  Theoretically.  We’ll see.

From Kylia:

1.) Favorite Trope To Subvert?

One of my favorites that I (think I) pulled off was in Please Don’t Make Me! , where Skye is all whispering in Ward’s ear about them sneaking off and finding a way to ~entertain~ themselves, and it certainly seems like sexy times are about to happen.  And then...it’s Mario Kart.  I love twisting people’s expectations for the sake of comedy and fun.

2.) Favorite Trope to ‘Play Straight’, as it were?

Bedsharing.  I am weeeeeeak for bedsharing.  GImme gimme gimme.  I want those  punks to wake up spooning and entwined and then the awkward to set in, but actually push them to deal with their feelings.  Yes please I need it now.  

3.) What is that one character that, no matter how much you might like to be open minded about other fans having their own opinions and whatnot, when you see people defending them, you just cannot stop rolling your eyes and being at the very least somewhat angry, if not raging?

Melinda May and Phil Coulson....

4.) Favorite Thing To Put Ketchup On?

The garbage can.

Haha, just kidding.  I’m not a huge ketchup fan.  I prefer bbq sauce or ranch for most things you’d use with ketchup.  But ketchup on a burger or hot dog works well (if bbq sauce isn’t an option).  

5.) Cake or Death?

Cake.  

6.) Is there a Spoon?

47 of them to be precise.

7.) What is the Average Airborne Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow?

African or European?

8.) Did you get the references in questions 5, 6, and 7 without having to look them up?

5 sounds familiar, but no.  6, not even in the slightest.  7, my answer should explain that one.

9.) Silliest name you’ve ever heard for a person/thing/group?

Oh, oh, oh, I know I have some doozies of nicknames, but I’m drawing a complete blank right now.

10.) What is a book series that is nominally completed that you’d like to see more installments of?

I’m a big fan of the Jack Ryan books by Tom Clancy, but well, Clancy died a few years ago, and none of the co-writers can match his original style and quality (honestly, neither can his own later books).  So while that verse could easily accommodate more stories, and I could love them, it’s not going to happen with the quality I want, so I wouldn’t want people to try and subsequently fail.

11.) Song you both hate but sometimes can’t stop listening too?

There was an *Nsync song back in the day that I hated.  But I listened to it enough times that I ended up learning all the lyrics and singing along with.  That’s happened with a few others too.  There are some One Direction songs that I like and it pisses me off that I like them.  

From Trini:

1. A song you are listening to on loop right now

Actually no, I’m not this week.  Which honestly is kinda rare.  Then again, I’ve been listening to a couple of playlists with The War on it and that song always gets to me, so it’s back in my mind again.

2. What is a popular show/book/movie/podcast could you not get into/have no interest in?

I’ve never gotten into Supernatural.  Just never had that much interest, despite having a big fondness for Jensen Ackles.  

3. What is the last movie you watched?

Thor: Ragnarok

4. Opinion of Valentine’s Day?

It’s nice to have a day where you make an extra effort to show your love for others.  It’s just as lovely to do so with family and friends as it is with a romantic partner.  And I definitely prefer, low-key, thoughtful gifts/activities.

5. A show, book or movie that you consider “Your childhood”

Inspector Gadget was one of my absolutely faves when I was a kid.  Also, totally loved Ghostwriter and wanted to start my own crime-solving group.  Alas, we did not have a ghost to aid us.  Magic School Bus was also watched a lot and I can still remember the ending bit with all the kids making phone calls.

6. Favourite Youtuber/what you do watch on Youtube?

I mostly listen to music on YouTube.  I don’t follow any particular person.  I’ve been enjoying mashup videos lately.  Imagine Dragons are great for mashups.  (There.  Happy Megan?)

7. What do you need to buy?

A new battery for my laptop.  It would be nice to use it when it wasn’t plugged in.  After all, that’s a big part of the whole laptop thing.

8. What merch are you close to impulse buying?

At this moment, nothing really.  But I had strongly considered buying Chloe Bennet’s Fight Like A Girl shirt.  If I had had the money at the time, I probably would have.

9. What’s the weather outside?

Right at this moment, overcast, grey, cool (low 40s), but happily, not raining.  Typical late March weather in this area.

10. A thing that you recently accomplished that you are proud of?

@mframe and I spent a good chunk of a day (or was it a couple days?) and built a form within the test environment of our database.  Built it from the ground up, adding groups, creating custom fields, making them calculated fields, setting up a bunch of codes in order to make them calculate correctly, etc.  And it works really well.  I really like it.  Now if only the assholes that I work with would shut the f*** up and get on board, we could actually use it.

11. Movie/book/Tv show/podcast coming out soon that you’re excited for

I NEED TO BUY MY TICKETS FOR INFINITY WAR.  Also, The Incredibles 2.

From Gilly:

1. If you won $1,000,000 dollars, what’s the first thing you’d do?

Pay off debt.  

2. A movie/tv show that you always go back to whenever you’re bored or don’t know what to watch?

Friends, Community, Brooklyn Nine Nine are all great standbys for when I can’t decide on what I’m in the mood for.

3. Most meaningful book you’ve ever read.

That’s an excellent question.  To Kill A Mockingbird is one of those books that’s always stuck with me.  I need to re-read it again, in fact.

4. Have you ever gotten anyone to get hooked on a tv show? How did they feel about it?

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH.  Yes.  I mean, nothing on the scale of Megan getting me hooked on AoS.  But I’ve convinced a couple friends to try Doctor Who, I got @evieoh to watch Community, and then she and I ganged up on @airaze-blog and made him watch all of Alias.  There was a lot of screaming.  We won’t talk about Orphan Black.

5. Has anyone ever gotten you hooked on a tv show? How did you feel about it?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Yes.

As referenced above, Megan was the one that really pushed me to try AoS again.  (I’d watched the first 3 or 4 episodes when it first aired, but lost interest and was always having to watch it later b/c of committments those nights.) There was another friend of ours at work, who pushed along with her, and my bff watched it as well and encouraged me.  I was kind of hesitant, didn’t care a whole lot, but I was getting into the MCU as a whole, so I decided to give it a shot again.

Amazingly enough, while I knew Hydra comes out of the shadows and about Jiaying’s evil turn, Double Agent Ward wasn’t spoiled for me.  I was SHOCKED at that.  And I’m so glad, because it was SUCH A GOOD TWIST.  

But yeah.....that may have just slightly, dramatically changed the trajectory of my life.  I wouldn’t have had an Aussie live on my couch for the last 6 months and that would have truly been tragic.

6. Where’s your dream vacation?

Croatia.  I’ve been dying to go there for years and it gets more intense every day.

7. Favorite social media app/site.

Tumblr.  I get the most interaction and the widest range here.  

8. Dream job.

Stay at home mom would be my preferred occupation.  For a profession, lactation consultant is my dream.  We’ll see if I ever get there.

9. Favorite genre to read/write.

Uhhh.....in terms of fanfic genres/tropes, I love enemies to friends to lovers (on any scale).  

10. Favorite genre to watch.

I love spy shows.  Gimmes spies anyday.  

11. Favorite quote at the moment.

CHICKENS!  (just for you, Evie)

My questions - sorry dudes, only doing 11.

What is your favorite season?

What are your feeling on A.I. (the concept, not the movie)?

What is the oldest piece of technology in your home?  Do you use it?  Do you know how?

Hummus.  Thoughts?

Tell me about a favorite birthday or holiday present.

What pair of shoes do you wear the most?  Are they your favorite or just the most functional or something else?

What’s your dream fanfic?

How easy is it for you to unplug?

What is a hobby/activity/something that you have an absurd amount of supplies/tools for?

What is your guilty pleasure snack food?

Are you more a dialogue or song lyrics referencer?

I tag: @evieoh, @mframe, @agenthaywood, @airaze-blog, @helloimthedoctor, @agentsofsunnydale, @queermageddon, @livesindaydreams, @orlissa, @vesperass-anuna, and @in-the-moving-castle

[rapuvdayear]

1994: “Intro” The Notorious B.I.G. (Bad Boy/Arista)

Strap in, this is going to be a long post (even by my standards). Like, more than 5000 words long.

In the annals of rap history, there are certain periods that are just plain loaded. For example, between 1986 and 1988, Public Enemy, Run-DMC, Boogie Down Productions, the Beastie Boys, Eric B. & Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, Slick Rick, Too $hort, and NWA all released absolute classics that not only redefined the genre, but have become touchstones for the rappers who followed them. 1992-1996 boasts a similar embarrassment of riches: The Chronic, Doggystyle, Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), The Infamous, Soul Food, All Eyez On Me, The Score, Ridin’ Dirty, and ATLiens, among many, many more. Smack dab in the middle of that run, 1994 was arguably the apex of rap’s golden era. In any other year, The Diary would’ve taken the crown as the best/most important album. But Scarface’s opus gets unfairly ignored because 1994 also saw two releases that appear on any serious (read: not trolling) all-time top ten list, and are perennially in greatest-ever discussions. I already covered Nas’s Illmatic back in April. And today, we celebrate the 25th anniversary of Christopher Wallace’s debut, Ready To Die.

Properly assessing Biggie’s impact and legacy is a near impossible task. No other rapper has burned as brightly for so brief a period. After doing a nine-month bid in North Carolina for crack dealing as a 19-year-old, he was featured in The Source’s Unsigned Hype column—back when it was the still rap’s undisputed publication of record—off the strength of a now-infamous demo tape, a recognition that also helped launch the careers of Eminem, DMX, Common, and others. Big’s come up after The Source nod was similar to that of his contemporaries, like Nas, in that he stole the show on a couple of posse cuts. But while Nas went the “lyrically lyrical” route for a time and, with Illmatic, made an album featuring a Who’s Who of boom bap era producers, Big’s style was harder to pin down. He recorded just two official full-length albums, and only Ready To Die was released during his lifetime; in fact, Ready to Die is now officially older than Big was at the time of his murder, a crime that is still unsolved (and if that’s not a depressing statement about rap, violence, and blackness in America, I don’t know what is). His debut was recorded at a time when the West coast g-funk aesthetic was dominant, and East coast rap still meant “NYC,” which was primarily divided into two camps: the Timbs-and-hoodies style of the so-called New School rappers who could trace their lineages back to the Def Jam superstars of the 80s and Queensbridge’s Juice Crew, and the more “alternative” and Afrocentric stylings of the Native Tongues clique (there was also Wu-Tang, who combined elements of both but were also just weird as fuck). Ready To Die, in this sense, is much more representative of the Timbs-and-hoodies crowd, but it also paved the way toward a much more introspective, darker style of rap focused on violence and material wealth in equal measures that would become the standard in New York for the remainder of the decade. It’s a gangsta rap record with a boom bap sound. And though Biggie was certainly no slouch on the mic—his internal rhyme schemes are complex, and his flow is versatile—he didn’t need to rap fast or sound like he’d memorized a thesaurus in order to distinguish himself, either. His greatest strengths were his lovable-yet-dangerous personality, bawdy sense of humor, and unparalleled skill as a storyteller, which he would showcase to even greater effect on 1997’s Life After Death. Add everything up, and it makes perfect sense why Big is remembered as one of the—if not the—best to ever do it: he emerged at the peak of the golden era, but was also an originator rather than an imitator.

The 2Pac beef, East Coast-West Coast war, and “playas vs. thugs” dichotomy in mainstream 90s rap have all been broken down in painstaking detail elsewhere, with conspiracy theories lurking around every corner (for anyone interested, I think that the best resource for understanding those stories and where Biggie, Pac, and LAPD corruption fit into it all is this 2001 Randall Sullivan article in Rolling Stone). Separating history from hagiography is tough enough in a culture that is built on braggadocio; no rapper worth their salt has ever “let the truth get in the way of a good yarn.” But Biggie’s tall tale/folk hero status is on a different level, arguably even more so than Pac’s, with whom he will forever be linked. Much of that is due to the fact that his career was so short and his talent so undeniable; as distasteful as it is to admit, Biggie’s legacy undoubtedly benefited from his early passing, leaving us with two outstanding, classic albums and a handful of loosies, guest appearances, and posthumous compilations that continue to fuel speculation about the heights that he could have reached. Just as Jimi never made an experimental jazz guitar album and Otis never made disco, Big never recorded Nastradamus or Kingdom Come.

In the final analysis, Biggie’s career is defined by death, but not necessarily his own. Many have observed that the title of his debut album, Ready To Die, was, in a way, a foreshadow of things to come, and that the second, Life After Death, serves as a chilling acknowledgement of what occurred just two weeks before its release. But on a deeper level, a careful listen to both records reveals Biggie’s obsession with death: what he sees happening around him, the ways in which he might die—possibly even by his own hand—and the unanswerable question of whether or not death is the end. Behind all of the jokes, tales of sexual escapades, and reflections on how enjoyable the playa lifestyle can be, at its heart Ready To Die is extremely nihilistic.

That nihilism begins with the cover art, which along with The Chronic is the first rap album cover I can remember noticing. Despite what Nas and Raekwon may think, Ready To Die’s cover probably owes more to Nevermind than it does Illmatic: Nas’s childhood photo laminated over the Queensbridge housing projects on his debut evokes nostalgia for his roots; Ready To Die, on the other hand, is a bleak statement about being born a black man in America. Here’s this cute baby with an afro and a diaper set against a stark white background, and we the viewers are invited to wonder what his future holds. In other words, the point is that every American black male is born “ready to die” because that’s what the statistics tell us (in actuality, the photo model is alive and well). As an 11-year-old American white male from rural Maine, this was completely lost on me at the time. Looking back on it now, I can’t help but feel goosebumps.

The cover also simply yet effectively communicates the album’s narrative arc, such that there is one. Ready To Die isn’t a concept album by any means, but it does chart the life of Christopher Wallace from the womb to the tomb, so to speak. The first sounds we hear on the intro are a heartbeat, a woman in labor, her partner urging her to push, and then a baby crying. The last sounds are of a gunshot, a body falling to the floor, a voice on the other end of the line pleading, and a heartbeat slowing to a stop. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go through it track-by-track; this is one album that is all killer, no filler.

Intro (link above): This is a classic rap album trope: the introductory skit that establishes where the rapper is coming from, sort of like a superhero’s origin story. Maybe this is symptomatic of having recently been listening to only mid-to-late 90s rap, but it seems to me that these sorts of intros used to be more common than they are now. There’s no actual rapping here. Instead we get something very similar to “The Genesis” on Illmatic, a mashup of different iconic sounds from “the culture.” Whereas for Nas it was an excerpt from Wild Style followed by a skit over that movie’s theme, Biggie’s intro is more personal, and more comprehensive in terms of situating him in a time and a place. It begins with Christopher Wallace’s birth in 1972 over the sounds of “Superfly,” followed by an argument between Biggie’s parents about his antics that turns quickly to violent threats while “Rapper’s Delight” (1979)—the birth of rap, officially-unofficially—plays, then Big and a friend discussing a plan to rob subway passengers set to “Top Billin’” (1987), and finally Big being taunted by a corrections officer as he’s released from prison and Snoop’s “Tha Shiznit” (1993) can be heard in the background (this last part is definitely pure fiction; Big’s only recorded stint inside was back in 1991). The point of the narrative is obvious, but the musical choices are also significant. Biggie was part of an emerging generation of rappers who could still remember a time before rap, but who also grew up alongside the genre, their lives’ milestones scored by a soundtrack featuring the likes of The Sugarhill Gang, Audio Two, and Snoop. By 1994, rap itself had changed several times over already, and with Biggie’s entry it was set to change again. This theme continues on the next track…

Things Done Changed: First of all, this is one of the few songs I can think of that takes full advantage of stereo sound as the beat jumps from right to left and back again before the first harmonies kick in. In college, my friends and I used to love driving around with Ready To Die in the tape deck and performing a ritual of sorts to this opening, nodding our heads and pointing to the speakers on one side of the car and then the other (Side note: after college when I moved to Prague, a group of friends rented a car one night for the express purpose of driving around the city and listening to this album in its entirety. We actually got pulled over when we accidentally found ourselves in a Czech police extortion trap and had to bribe our way out, but that’s another story…). “Things Done Changed” is exactly what the title declares: a mix of Biggie waxing nostalgic about the bygone days of his Brooklyn childhood and communicating the harsh reality of post-crack NYC. The “back in the day” rap is another trope, but whereas previous examples like The Pharcyde’s “Passin’ Me By” (1992), Pete Rock and CL Smooth’s “T.R.O.Y.” (1992), and even Nas’s “Memory Lane” (1994) all are accompanied by production that emphasizes the slow, sweet, happy remembrances of things past, “Things Done Changed”—with samples from 70s funk group The Main Ingredient—sounds downright foreboding. The message is that there’s no time to lament the past because it’s over and done with and the future is anything but certain. As if this point weren’t clear enough, the Dr. Dre sample on the chorus—“Remember they used to thump? But now they blast, right?”—and Biggie’s appeal to his contemporaries—“Motherfucker, this ain’t back in the day/ But you don’t hear me though”—eliminate any sense of ambiguity. There are so many great Biggie lines sprinkled throughout (e.g., “And we coming to the wake/ To make sure the crying and commotion ain’t a motherfucking fake”; “Back in the days our parents used to take care of us/ Look at ‘em now, they even fuckin’ scared of us”; and “The streets is a short stop/ Either you slingin’ crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot,” which incidentally was quoted in the cringeworthiest way possible in 2000’s Boiler Room), but one in particular stands out to me: “It make me wanna grab the 9 and the shotty/ But I gotta go identify the body.” A former roommate of mine always loved this part because it encapsulates not just Biggie’s moral dilemma, but in many ways the definitive contradictions of gangbanging and the drug trade: I’m so angry and in pain that I want to visit extreme violence upon the world, but at the same time I have to deal with the fallout of the violence around me in the most intimate of ways. Did I mention already that this album is nihilistic to the core?

Gimme The Loot: This song will always hold a special place in my memory. It was either this or Snoop’s version of “Lodi Dodi” that was the first rap I memorized word for word. In high school, my friends and I used to go out to the cross-country running trails after school to, uh, do what burnouts do, and more often than not would end up reciting “Gimme The Loot” in its entirety at the top of our lungs (I hope that we changed all the ****** to “suckas” or something…). Biggie voices two characters, both plotting small-scale robberies with grotesque levels of passion. For real, some of the lyrics for the album version had to be censored because, well, this: “I don’t give a fuck if you’re pregnant/ Give me the baby ring and the #1 mom pendant.” “Gimme The Loot” is also a perfect example of Big’s style: it’s played for laughs, but the subject matter is darker than dark. I like to think of this as a companion piece to “****** Bleed” from Life After Death—my all-time favorite Biggie track—which is about a much more ambitious robbery that is also full of jokes. In line with the album’s theme, “Gimme The Loot” ends with Big presumably dying in a hail of bullets during a shootout with the cops, “a true motherfucker going out for the loot.”

Machine Gun Funk: Ooh, this beat! As anyone who follows this account already knows, one of my favorite things about rap is how much great music I’ve been introduced to via samples. In this case, “Something Extra” by 70s funk band Black Heat. Easy Mo Bee, who produced this and five other tracks on Ready To Die, doesn’t get the acclaim of contemporaries like DJ Premier, Pete Rock, or Large Professor. But his bona fides are solid—coming up with the Juice Crew—and his work on this album is spectacular. As with “Gimme The Loot,” some of the lyrics in the second verse censored: “For the jackers, the jealous-ass crackers in the blue suits/ I’ll make you prove that it’s bulletproof.” This was, after all, around the time that NWA and Ice-T had provoked outrage—and FBI investigations!—for their anti-police lyrics. “Machine Gun Funk”’s overall gist is summed up in one line: “I’m doing rhymes now, fuck the crimes now.” In other words, Big is just as hard as he was on the ascent, but he’s transcended that life now and is making bank from rap. It’s another well-worn trope that’s become almost obligatory for rappers to talk about now.

Warning: Another funky Easy Mo Bee beat, this time with an Isaac Hayes sample. Biggie relates a story of being awakened early in the morning by a friend who has gotten wind that his enemies are plotting his demise (he also shouts out fellow Brooklynites M.O.P., which is a nice touch!). He demonstrates his capacity for catchy internal rhymes—“They heard about the Rolexes and the Lexus/ With the Texas license plates out of state/ They heard about the pounds you got down in Georgetown/ And they heard you got half Virginia locked down”—and penchant for clever metaphors—“There’s gonna be a lot of slow singin’ and flower bringin’/ If my burglar alarm starts ringin’”; “The criminals, tryna drop my decimals.” There’s also the continuation of the “ready to die” theme with a depressing statement about trust and paranoia: “It’s the ones that smoke blunts witcha, see your picture/ Now they wanna grab they guns and come and getcha.” “Warning” ends with a darkly funny skit of sorts that leads right into the next track…

Ready To Die: I mean, it’s right there in the title: this is the entire album in a nutshell. Big is defiant here and completely nihilistic: “My shit is deep, deeper than my grave, G/ I’m ready to die, and nobody can save me/ Fuck the world, fuck my moms and my girl/ My life is played out like a Jheri curl, I’m ready to die!” And why all the violence? It’s simple, really, a means to an end: “Shit is real, and hungry’s how I feel/ I rob and steal because that money got that whip appeal.” This Easy Mo Bee beat is appropriately eerie, too, flipping the organ from blaxploitation film score legend Willie Hutch’s “Hospital Prelude Of Love Theme.” “Warning” ends with Puffy reciting “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep,” similar to how he would start “You’re Nobody (‘Til Somebody Kills You)” on Life After Death with the 23rd Psalm: both are prayers about death and the afterlife.

One More Chance: This was one of the tracks that Big recorded during the second half of the Ready To Die sessions at Puffy’s urging. While Big allegedly didn’t want to make any concessions to commercial tastes, being the ever-calculating businessman that he is, Puff encouraged him to include a few tracks that weren’t just about robbing and killing. As such, the tone here is a little different from the album up to this point. However, it does give Big a chance to explore another of his signature topics and themes: sex, but in the lewdest way possible (I mean, he raps about shifting kidneys, shattering bladders, and “fuck[ing] her ‘til her nose bleed”). As my friend Jason pointed out to me recently, the skit in the intro is more interesting than it would appear at first, too. Ostensibly, it’s recordings of women on Big’s answering machine who he’s ghosted. However, the second caller doesn’t seem to be someone he’s slept with, but rather a female friend chiding him for being inconsiderate. Who knows whether this is meaningful or not, but maybe just maybe it’s a small subversion of the “g’s up, hoes down” mantra pervading rap? Eh, it’s a stretch. “One More Chance” was remixed and released as a single in 1995, becoming one of Big’s biggest hits. The original version is far superior, though, IMHO. Another minor note: verse 2 contains a cool shout out to Houston’s Geto Boys and the “Mind Playing Tricks On Me” video, complete with the beat switching up briefly to index that song.

Fuck Me (Interlude): A skit featuring Lil’ Kim. I usually don’t like rap skits, but this one is notable for making “Oreo cookie eatin’, pickle juice drinkin’, chicken gristle eatin’, biscuit fuckin’ suckin’ … V8 juice drinkin’, Slim Fast blendin’, black greasy muthafucka” into passable dirty talk. And that’s all I have to say about that.

The What: When Nas said, “My first album had no famous guest appearances/ The outcome: I’m crowned the best lyricist” on Stillmatic, this is the song he was talking about (well, either this or “Brooklyn’s Finest”… yeah, it was probably the latter). Given how rappers have stuck to the formula of paying for the services of more accomplished figures to drive interest in their debuts, it’s a testament to Nas’s and Big’s greatness that both Illmatic and Ready To Die only had one feature apiece: AZ on “Life’s A Bitch,” and Method Man on “The What.” With all due respect to AZ, no one’s mistaking him for a “famous” guest. Meth, on the other hand, had only really been famous for a couple of years at this point, but he was far and away Wu-Tang’s breakout star and would become the first group member to drop a post-36 Chambers solo just two months later. His participation here is also unexpected given the less-famous-yet-still-potent beef that existed between Wu-Tang and Biggie. Collabos and features are often underwhelming; either the guest feels like an unnecessary afterthought, or ends up “murder[ing] you on your own shit.” In this case, though, Meth is able to keep pace with Big and vice versa. Although his chemistry with Redman is legendary and their work together was super enjoyable, “The What” makes me wonder what a Meth and Biggie full-length would have sounded like. Easy Mo Bee laces the beat with the most stonerific production on the album, a laid back, fried melody that samples the outro to Leroy Huston’s “Can’t Say Enough About Mom” (1974). It works!

Juicy: It’s funny, this used to be my least favorite track on Ready To Die, entirely because of the chorus, which I thought was too “soft.” But now that I’m older, I appreciate its anthem-ness and the funky-ass Mtume sample. “Juicy” was, of course, the album’s lead single, but it was recorded toward the end of the sessions because Puff realized that they needed a radio-ready hit if Biggie was going to be a success. As a result, it’s the most discordant track on the album because of its uplifting tone, message of positivity, and nothing in the lyrics about death or dying. Along with “Things Done Changed,” this is the most autobiographical song on Ready To Die. And it’s chock full of quotables: “Time to get paid/ Blow up like the World Trade” (which has subsequently been censored in post-9/11 radio versions); “Spread love, it’s the Brooklyn way”; “Considered a fool cuz I dropped out of high school” (that one always resonated with me, haha); “Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis/ When I was dead broke, man, I couldn’t picture this” (which sounds hilarious now as far as stunting goes); “Birthdays was the worst days/ Now we sip champagne when we thirstay.” Also like “Things Done Changed,” “Juicy” is a nod to the past—the first verse is basically a list of 80s rap influencers—while signaling that a paradigm shift is happening; when Big says, “You never thought that hip-hop would take it this far,” he means for both himself and for the genre as a whole. He probably would have been a star anyway without “Juicy,” but its inclusion on Ready To Die definitely helped drive his early mainstream appeal.

Everyday Struggle: This anthem is still relevant today. They wouldn’t be brave enough (or stupid enough, depending on your perspective) to actually do it, but Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders could totally use this as a campaign song in 2020. The name of the game here is “precarity” and the choices people make just to survive. The sample, from Dave Grusin’s cheesy 80s jazz composition “Either Way” (1980), starts off in a vaporwavish muffle that makes the intro sound like a classic TV theme song. And then immediately we’re vaulted back into Biggie’s bleak, nihilistic take on contemporary life, and his suicidal ideations (a foreshadowing of things to come…): “I don’t wanna live no more/ Sometimes I hear death knocking at my front door/ I’m living everyday like a hustle, another drug to juggle/ Another day, another struggle.” The whole song is about drug dealing, but it’s not all glorification: Big makes it quite clear that a) violence and the possibility (inevitability?) of death are ever-present, and b) it is an endeavor that is fundamentally about preying on one’s community. As he puts it, “Baggin’ five at a time/ I can clock about nine on the check cashin’ line/ I had the first and the third rehearsed, that’s my word,” all of which is to say that he had a clear understanding of the temporal rhythms of government assistance, wage payments, and the financial habits of the unbanked. It’s less of a lament than what appears in other rappers’ odes to “the game,” but I think it’d be remiss to ignore his discomfort with being a participant in an activity that clearly destroys lives and neighborhoods.

Me & My Bitch: Woooooo, talk about a problematic song! This is Kevin Gates before Kevin Gates. On the one hand, you could make a legitimate case for “Me & My Bitch” being the most romantic gangsta rap song ever (which is saying something in and of itself). On the other hand, Big would definitely be cancelled in 2019 for this. The opening line is classic Biggie humor: “I’ll admit when I first saw you my thoughts was a trip/ You looked so good, huh, I’d suck on your daddy’s dick.” But it soon devolves into your run-of-the-mill rap misogyny: “When the time is right, the wine is right/ I treat you right; you talk slick, I beat you right.” It’s all a fantasy—AFAIK Big never had a romantic relationship like the one depicted here—that’s the textbook definition of “ride or die.” Emphasis on “die” because that’s where the song ends up (because of course it does, this is Ready To Die after all). At first, Big tells us, “And if I deceive, she won’t take it lightly/ She’ll invite me, politely, to fight, G/ And then we lie together, cry together/ I swear to God I hope we fuckin’ die together,” which say what you will, that’s kind of a sweet sentiment. But alas, he doesn’t get his wish, as his lover is gunned down by his enemies, collateral in a war against him. Again, his eulogy for her is also kind of sweet, in a perverse way: “It didn’t take long before the tears start/ I saw my bitch dead with a gunshot to the heart/ And I know it was meant for me/ I guess the ****** felt they had to kill the closest one to me/ And when I find ‘em, your life is to an end/ They killed my best friend.”

Big Poppa: Another of the more radio-friendly, Puffy-inspired tracks, and consequently one of the album’s biggest hits (and second single). This is also the closest the Ready To Die comes to emulating 1994’s pop rap zeitgeist as the production on “Big Poppa” is clearly g-funk, complete with a high-pitched synthesizer straight out of Dre’s toolkit. It’s quite the contrast with the previous track, going from “ghetto soap opera” to “big willie playa fantasy.” Overall, “Big Poppa” is solid club song. Also, did Biggie invent the “weird flex” with this line: “A t-bone steak, cheese, eggs, and Welch’s grape”?

Respect: This one’s a nod to Biggie’s Jamaican roots, and introduces another chapter in the autobiography established through “Things Done Changed” and “Juicy.” “Respect” features Jamaican reggae/dancehall singer Diana King on the hook and reggae-ish beat from Poke of the Trackmasters that interpolates KC & The Sunshine Band’s “I Get Lifted” (1975). Even here Biggie pushes the “ready to die” theme as he narrates his birth!: “Umbilical cord wrapped around my neck/ I’m seein’ my death, and I ain’t even took my first step.” Verse 2 contains some more reflection on the uncertainties of the drug game: “Put the drugs on the shelf? Nah, couldn’t see it/ Scarface, King of New York, I wanna be it/ Rap was secondary, money was necessary/ Until I got incarcerated, kinda scary/ … Time to contemplate, damn, where did I fail?/ All the money I stacked was all the money for bail.”

Friend Of Mine: Easy Mo Bee does it again! Another of my favorite beats on Ready To Die. This one’s mostly Biggie-style sexual humor, similar to “One More Chance” only funkier and more misogynistic. It’s Big’s version of “g’s up, hoes down” or “Scandalouz.” The double standard regarding male and female promiscuity is in full effect. Even so, there’s a cleverness to the lyrics; Big’s descriptions are just plain different from other rappers’ (side note: the same argument can be made for Gucci Mane): “I don’t give a bitch enough to catch the bus/ And when I see the semen, I’m leavin’”; “Now I play her far like a moon play a star.”

Unbelievable: Scoring a DJ Premier beat for your album in the 90s was basically confirmation that you were someone worth paying attention to. Nas did it with Illmatic, and Big pulled the legendary producer’s card for this, the final track recorded for Ready To Die. Premo even gave Big a discount, charging him less than his usual fee because he’d gone overbudget already! The sample, from The Honeydrippers’ “Impeach The President” (1973), is well-traveled territory in rap, having been sampled in dozens of songs already by that point. “Unbelievable”’s content is mostly just Biggie boasting about his greatness at all things. And you’ve gotta respect the audacity of sampling yourself, from another song on the same album, giving yourself props (“Biggie Smalls is the illest!”). Even without a clear narrative or any deeper message, “Unbelievable” is a showcase of Biggie’s range of technical skills from internal rhymes—“And those that rushes my clutches get put on crutches/ Get smoked like Dutches”—to sly metaphors—“I got three hundred and fifty-seven ways/ To simmer sauté”—and original adjectives—“car weed-scented.” Big and Premier would link up again on Life After Death for two of that album’s standouts—“Kick In The Door” and “Ten Crack Commandments”—but three tracks still feels like far too few for such a potent combination.

Suicidal Thoughts: Dear lord, what an ending! If you doubted that Ready To Die was nihilistic up to this point, “Suicidal Thoughts” leaves no question as to the tone that Big intended. This is my second favorite of Biggie’s songs, and IMHO his most poignant. I almost feel as if he invented emo-rap here, letting the listener into his tortured psyche in a way that only Pac and Eminem have even come close to imitating. I’ve written about this track and my fondness for it already, naming it my “rap of the year” for 1994. The overall concept is Big calling up Puff to deliver what amounts to a suicide note. As Puffy pleads with him not to go through with it, Biggie enumerates all of the reasons that he’s “a piece of shit, it ain’t hard to fucking tell” and why the world would be better off without him: his criminal escapades, his sense that he’d let down his loved ones, his lies and infidelity. The key passages: “All my life I been considered as the worst/ Lyin’ to my mother, even stealin’ out her purse/ Crime after crime, from drugs to extortion/ I know my mother wish she got a fuckin’ abortion/ She don’t even love me like she did when I was younger/ Suckin’ on her chest just to stop my fuckin’ hunger/ I wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes?/ Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies”; “People at the funeral frontin’ like they miss me/ My baby mama kiss me, but she glad I’m gone/ She know me and her sister had somethin’ goin’ on.” Additionally, this is one of the things that truly separates Big from Pac when it comes to their musings on death and the afterlife: while Pac rapped about heaven and “thugz mansion,” Big seemed convinced that he was headed to hell both here and elsewhere: “When I die, fuck it, I wanna go to hell/ … It don’t make sense goin’ to heaven with the goodie-goodies/ Dressed in white; I like black Timbs and black hoodies.” If “Ready To Die” was a defiant declaration, then “Suicidal Thoughts” is Biggie proving that it was no lie, that he is, in fact, ready to pass on even if it’s his own doing. The beat is handled by Lord Finesse—another boom-bap veteran—and complements perfectly the tension that builds until the final moments: the gunshot, the thud, and the flatlining heartbeat (the sample is Miles Davis’s “Lonely Fire” (1974)).

There’s no denying Ready To Die’s place in the pantheon of rap history. People can debate whether or not it and/or Big are the greatest ever, which is fine, but ultimately meaningless. What we have here is an album that can be enjoyed on many different levels. And even if it is all about death, as with any work of art, it will live on as long as people keep listening to and loving it.