#and then i reply full on sobbing I AM BEING COMPASSIONATE.... BUT I STILL SAD????

[setaripendragon]

Never Simple - Chapter 6

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] Happy winter holidays to everyone! This chapter is entirely explanations. It felt cathartic to write for me, but it does go over quite a lot of the awful from the last chapter (check those warnings), so if that upset you, this might not be entirely safe to read either. And an extra warning for actual on-screen cannibalism.

The only thing Ed could do was get Nina out of the lab and away from… everything. So, feeling sick to his stomach and hollow right down to his bones, he tucked Nina’s head against his shoulder and picked her up while she continued to clutch at his shirt with hands like claws and scream her head off. Then he turned towards the door, and froze.

Roy Mustang was standing there, turned to a badly lit silhouette by the light from the stairway, one hand still raised with fingers poised to snap. “Mustang.” Ed said dumbly, while inside him, Truth coiled, tense and wary. The sound of his name seemed to knock the man out of whatever stupor had caught him, and he shook himself, lowering his hand and very carefully stepping out of the doorway to make room for Ed to pass him. Ed didn’t move, though. “What’re you doing here?”

“I called him.” Al said from somewhere beyond the doorway.

That made sense, Ed thought. He felt a little perturbed that he couldn’t even remember noticing that Al had disappeared at some point during the confrontation with Tucker. He knew he’d been a little preoccupied, but that was worrying. Nina’s scream finally tapered off, only for her to suck in a deep breath, and start wailing. Ed winced, the sound piercing him right to his core and twisting him up into knots.

Mustang cleared his throat. “You should… take Nina upstairs while I deal with Tucker.” He stated. Ed nodded, and with a little help from Truth, forced his feet to start moving again. He stopped with one foot on the stairs, though, with Al hovering worriedly several steps above him, to look back at Mustang. The man had paused when Ed did, and was looking back with a worried frown.

“Don’t kill him.” Ed said, half way between a request and a warning.

Mustang’s expression softened for a brief moment when his eyes flicked down to Nina, still wailing into Ed’s shoulder. “I won’t.” He stated, and Ed nodded. “Oh, but, Elric?” Mustang added as Ed began to turn away, halting him in his tracks. The expression on Mustang’s face when he looked back had gone steely with determination. “I’m going to expect a full explanation for all of this once I’m done down here.” He commanded.

“Sir, yes sir.” Ed replied, mustering up a little sarcasm from the dregs of his reserves. If he wasn’t much mistaken, there was the barest flicker of a smile on Mustang’s face before he turned his back on Ed to face the mess in the lab. Without another word, Ed resumed climbing the stairs towards Al’s worried face. Once at the top with Al at his side, Ed hesitated. He wasn’t sure where to go or what to do now. He dismissed the idea of trying to put Nina to bed. She doubtless wouldn’t be sleeping well for a long time yet, and nightmares were the last thing she needed right now, and besides, Ed wasn’t sure he could bear to let her out of his sight.

“Let’s go sit in the kitchen.” Al suggested. “We can-” He faltered for a moment, but then shook himself and stood a little straighter to press on. “We can all have some cocoa to help us calm down.” Like their mum used to do for them, when they woke up in the night with bad dreams. Ed nodded wordlessly, and followed his brother into the kitchen. He debated putting Nina down in one of the chairs, but she refused to let go of his pyjama top when he tried, so he relented and just settled her on his lap when he sat down. Al bustled about making cocoa, Nina’s wails lost some of their energy and turned into gasping sobs, and none of them said a word.

It wasn’t too long before Mustang found them. He looked a little surprised to see the mug of cocoa waiting for him in front of one of the empty seats, but he sat there and picked it up to sip at it with a tired attempt at a smile. “Thank you.” He said, and it was so innocuous, so bland and polite and ridiculous, that Ed almost laughed. The urge died a moment later, however, when Mustang put his mug aside, braced his elbows on the table, and fixed Ed with an unwavering stare to say; “What, exactly, are you?”

Ed thought that if he hadn’t been so tired, so completely overwhelmed, that question might have freaked him out. As it was, he just had no idea how to answer it, but he knew he had to. Nina was quieting herself down, trying to listen without drawing any attention to herself, and she certainly deserved an answer, whether or not Mustang did.

“He’s my brother.” Al interjected defensively.

Mustang glanced at him, one eyebrow twitching upwards, before looking back to Ed. “And that thing you turned into down there?” He challenged.

Of course Mustang saw that. Resigned, Ed decided that words were just not going to work for him right now, so he simply laid one hand on the table palm up, and gave Truth a mental nudge. The response he got from Truth could basically be summed up as a vehement Nu-uh!

Don’t be a baby. He’s already fucking seen you, it’s not like he’s just going to forget you exist. Ed chided, rolling his eyes. Sometimes Truth didn’t at all act like the terrifying ancient monster it actually was. With emphatic reluctance, Truth oozed up out of Ed’s palm, tendrils of white biomass weaving together to form a little pod of a head. It looked, Ed thought with an edge of hysteria, like a sock-puppet. No eyes to speak of, but a thin little slit of a mouth where it was trying very hard not to show off its teeth.

“Oh.” Nina said, and reached out with one hand to poke at Truth. It bore the attention with only a vague sense of indignity, which melted away to fondness when Nina started petting it instead. It let out a quiet little croon of pleasure, a buzzing vibration that made Nina giggle. Then a couple of little rust-red tendrils flailed their way out of her wrist to pat at Truth’s head as well, and Nina recoiled in shock. The tendrils retreated with just as much alacrity.

“This… this is Truth.” Ed said, lifting his hand a little to indicate what he was talking about.

Mustang stared at Truth, then raised his eyes to meet Ed’s. “What is it?” He asked again.

Ed blinked at him, his mind drawing a complete blank on how, exactly, to answer that question. He let out a slightly deranged laugh. “I have no idea.” He said, which obviously did not reassure Mustang at all. Truth projected a mental sensation of being whacked upside the head at Ed.

“It would not be incorrect to call us a symbiote.” It explained.

Mustang twitched a little when it spoke, but otherwise contained his reaction quite well. “A symbiote.” He echoed flatly, eyeing Truth shrewdly. “That implies a certain level of cooperation, or perhaps even alliance, considering you appear to be sentient.”

Truth bobbed its head in a nod. “We’re working on that.” It confirmed, and Ed snorted.

Mustang stared at them for a painfully drawn out moment, then he bowed his head to pinch the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “I have far too many questions.” He said, mostly to himself, Ed thought. Then he raised his head again. “How long, exactly, have you… been with Elric?” He asked of Truth, faltering only a little over his words, which Ed thought was truly impressive.

“Since mere hours before you met us.” Truth answered.

Mustang just nodded like he expected that. “And before that?”

“I guarded the Gate.” Truth stated.

Mustang’s eyebrows rose, but before he could actually voice the question, Ed answered it for him. “The Gate is a cage that Truth built between the building blocks of reality to contain the rest of its species.” He explained. “Because most of the rest of its species are assholes.”

“Assholes?” Mustang echoed, faintly amused. “That doesn’t make very much sense for a symbiotic species.”

“They were not always this way.” Truth said, and it was hard to tell with the way its voice reverberated and echoed strangely, but Ed thought it sounded almost as sad as it felt. “We were once… better. I cannot say we were peaceful, but we were better. But we became corrupted, we began to believe that we were better than our hosts, that they ought to bow to our will, and so we began to consume them in unsustainable numbers. I was fortunate enough to find a compassionate host to teach me better, and when we saw with clear eyes what the rest of us had become, we knew we had to stop them, before they killed all humans and caused their own destruction.”

Nodding slowly, Mustang laced his fingers together in front of his face and frowned very intently over them at Ed and Truth. “And what happened to this Gate once you stopped guarding it?” He asked, sending a chill of realisation and fear through Ed.

“The Gate will continue to stand unless someone on the outside deliberately tries to tear it down.” Truth assured both Ed and Mustang. That was not quite as reassuring as it could be, but Ed would take it. “Greater numbers may be able to escape if I am not there to close the Gate behind any alchemist foolish enough to attempt to rend the fabric of the universe, but we have come to the reluctant conclusion that there are enough of our kin already walking free that we must act to stop them now.”

“How many?” Mustang asked, closing his eyes as though that might make the answer easier to bear.

“Dozens have escaped the Gate.” Truth informed them, and Ed didn’t know whether to wince at how high it was, or sigh in relief over how low it was. Mustang looked distinctly relieved when he opened his eyes, and the pity Ed felt coming from Truth at the expression made him decide that wincing was the right answer, so he did. “Some may have died in the intervening years, but also, some may have spawned, as Mania did.”

“Mania?” Mustang echoed.

“The one in the jar downstairs.” Ed informed him hollowly.

Mustang screwed his eyes shut and pressed the forefinger and thumb of one hand into them as though he was getting a pounding headache. “On the desk?” Mustang checked, and Ed hummed an affirmative. “It… spawned?” He asked, finally winching his eyes open to stare balefully at Ed and Truth. Ed nodded, something sticky and unpleasant clogging up his throat and making words hard to come by. He thought it might be guilt. Mustang glared at him. “A little more information would be helpful, here, Elric.” He bit out. “Exactly how many of these symbiotes do I need to be concerned about?”

Ed glared right back. “There are only three still alive in this house.” He spat out, even though just saying it made him feel sick. “Truth, Mania, and the one inside Nina.” Does it have a name? He asked Truth, feeling a little bit awful that he didn’t know.

Probably not, yet. Truth replied with the mental equivalent of a shrug. It takes time with a host to find a concept that fits. You should explain to him about the others. It added, and when Ed baulked at the idea of saying it out loud, took the duty upon itself with a scoff. “We sent the other two living infants to the Gate.”

Ed was a little relieved to see that Mustang winced at the word ‘infants’, too, but the man didn’t actually comment, or question the decision. “And there were no others?” He checked, instead.

“None that we saw.” Ed confirmed. “Except the dead ones in jars.” He added bitterly.

Everyone flinched at that, but it was Al who actually put his mug down hard enough to spill cocoa over the lip and stared at Ed in sudden, wounded horror. “Those… those were all…?” He breathed, before pressing a hand over his mouth.

“Dead babies in jars.” Ed confirmed bitterly. Nina made a tiny choked noise, and Ed immediately felt guilty for saying that in front of her. He held her a little tighter in apology.

“Nina?” Al asked softly. “Do you want to come and sit with me in the living room while Brother talks to Colonel Mustang?” Nina shook her head violently without looking up, and attached herself more firmly to Ed. Al looked helplessly at Ed, who shrugged. He still didn’t quite want to let Nina out of his sight, anyway. Mostly because he was terrified that if he did, the… the symbiote inside her would take the opportunity to go on a rampage, and he wouldn’t be there to stop it.

Mustang sighed, then visibly steeled himself, straightened his shoulders, and ploughed on, despite Nina’s presence. “Which brings us to the more immediate issue. What, exactly, did Tucker do?” Ed felt Nina shudder in his arms at the question, and started stroking her back, hoping to offer some comfort, because he wasn’t going to play down the shit the man had pulled to spare her.

“Where do I fucking start?” Ed groused.

“At the beginning?” Truth snarked.

Ed rolled his eyes. “Right, okay, the beginning. So. Uh, two years ago, that chimera Tucker made? That, uh, that was his wife.” He began, and Mustang sat bolt upright in some combination of outrage and disgust. “I suspected, you know, when you mentioned a talking chimera.” He went on, not letting the man get a word in edgeways. “Because there were only two ways I could think for him to have done that, made a chimera that could actually do proper grammar and shit. One was taking the language-processing centers from a human brain, and the other was knowing enough about brain structure and biochemistry and fucking neurotransmitters to fabricate a functional language-processing center.”

Mustang frowned. “Neuro…transmitters?” He echoed uncertainly.

Ed gave him a very pointed look. “Yeah.” He agreed. “I didn’t think he’d have that much knowledge without outside assistance, either.” He lifted the hand that Truth was still hovering over pointedly. Mustang made a reluctantly agreeable sort of face. “Turns out, it was both. He was trying so damn hard to mutilate his wife that he accidentally ripped the world apart and freed Mania.” Nina let out a sob at that, and Ed winced. “Shit, sorry.”

“Alright.” Mustang said calmly, although there was strain showing around his eyes. “But that was two years ago. What about tonight? I would very much like an explanation for all of that, because I’m still not quite sure I can believe what I think I saw.”

Ed took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a brief moment to recite a silent litany of Don’t wanna don’t wanna don’t wanna you can’t make me! inside his head before steeling himself to do it anyway. “I don’t have a clue how we got from there to here, honestly, but I figure Tucker thought that the- the symbiotes were a more impressive research project or something, because near as I can figure, he was trying to get Mania to- to spawn.”

“Going by the number of… occupied jars, we would say he’s been inducing Mania to spawn in substandard conditions for the last year at least. There are at least three nests worth of infants there.” Truth interjected. “Possibly more, given that this time, Mania only produced three offspring, rather than the more usual numbers.”

Al had both his hands over his mouth now. Ed ploughed on, because if he didn’t keep going now that he’d started, he’d never get through this. “I figure that’s what we walked in on tonight. He’d let Mania possess Alexander, and it had spawned.” Just the memory of that first look made Ed shudder with remembered horror. He wanted to close his eyes, but if he did that, he’d just see it again on the back of his eyelids, so instead, he stared at Mustang’s gloved hands and talked. He explained, as best he could the way Tucker asked Nina to hold one, and how Truth had sent it back to the gate, and how Tucker had put Mania back in a jar and monologued, how one of the babies had tried to eat Tucker by possessing Alexander, how Ed had pulled it out of Alexander, and-

“I ate him.” Nina interrupted, and her words silenced the room like a shout, even though they were barely audible, said in a strange, timid monotone. “I- I ate A-Alexand-der!” She sobbed, curling into Ed and starting to cry, jagged and breathless, into his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Ed said, and then wanted to smack himself. It was so very obviously not okay that saying that was only going to make shit worse. “Look, Alexander… he was already dead. You know that, right? You- you didn’t hurt him, okay?”

“I- I d-didn’t m-mean to.” Nina wailed. “I- W-we were j-just s-so hungry!”

“I know.” Ed assured her, and he did. He really, really did. Truth was old, ancient, and had the self-control to warn Ed before they reached the point of a starving newborn desperate for a first proper meal, but… he remembered just how hungry Truth had been at the beginning, after centuries of not-quite hibernation in the space between the fabric of the world. “I know. It’s not your fault, Nina. You- Neither of you are to blame for wanting to live, okay?”

That just made Nina wail even louder. Ed supposed it wasn’t very convincing coming from the guy who’d disintegrated two of her… symbiote’s sibling for that exact reason. “I w-want my Daddy!” Nina cried, and Ed grimaced, eyes flicking up to meet Mustang’s in a plea for help.

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible.” Mustang said, which at least meant Ed didn’t have to say it, but it wasn’t exactly helpful.

“We want our Daddy!” Nina insisted, and Ed felt a little chill run down his spine at the sudden shift to plural pronouns. His fears were only confirmed when her next repetition came out echoing and distorted; “You- you can’t send him away, too! We want our Daddy!”

Ed gaped, trying desperately to find the right words to explain why Nina wasn’t going to get to see her dad for a really long time, if Ed had anything to say about it, but there weren’t really words for that, were there? At least, not ones that wouldn’t hurt. Abruptly, Al got to his feet and left the room. “Al?” Ed called after him, but he got no response.

Looking deeply wary, Mustang got to his feet. “I’ll keep an eye on him.” He said, almost absently, to Ed, and followed Al out the door. Ed was left sitting there holding a sobbing girl who was begging for the father that had tried to eat her earlier this evening, wondering what the fuck was going on.

He wasn’t left to stew in his confusion for long, because Al was back within a couple of minutes, and he was carrying one of those awful jars. The one, Ed realised a moment later, with Mania still trapped inside. “Here.” Al said quietly, coming over and holding the jar out to Nina. “You can’t take the lid off right now, but… you can keep hold of it, if you want.”

Nina peeked out at him, let out another huge sob, and held out her hands in a very clear ‘gimme’ gesture. Feeling entirely nonplussed, Ed watched Al hand the jar over, watched Nina handle it with extreme caution until she had it securely in her arms, and watched as she cuddled it to her chest like it was her favourite teddy-bear while she continued to sob much more quietly.

We can’t let her keep it. Truth thought sadly.

Why the fuck not? It’s not hurting anyone in there. Ed retorted, deeply unwilling to take yet another thing away from Nina right now.

You want to leave it in that awful thing? Cramped and alone? Truth challenged.

The Gate looked pretty fucking cramped to me, too, and it’s not alone, it’ll have Nina and its baby. With the upside of no one’s going to fucking eat it while it’s in there. And don’t tell me that’s not a danger inside the Gate. That blue one was perfectly happing chewing on you.

That plasma could kill it.

I’m not saying it’s ideal, but the Gate isn’t exactly idea either, if you ask me, but it’s not a terrible solution for now, if it keeps Nina a little bit less traumatised. Ed didn’t really know what to do. Those jars had to be at least a little bit painful; they were too small for an adult-sized symbiote, and pressing into the glass had to be agony. It did seem cruel to leave a sentient creature locked up in one, but the Gate seemed pretty cruel, too.

Truth suddenly projected a sense of surprise and acceptance, a sort of huh, okay and when Ed responded with a questioning sort of feeling, it drew his attention back down to the jar. The jar in which Mania had stopped thrashing quite so violently. Instead, it was pulsing gently, not the unthinking twitches of the dead babies, but like a little heartbeat just beyond the second layer of glass.

“Huh.” Ed said, staring. If he hadn’t felt so drained, he would have smiled. “That settles that, then.”

“On the contrary.” Mustang interjected, recapturing Ed’s attention. He looked up with a glare, because if the man thought he was just going to let him take this away from Nina after everything she’d been through, he had another thing coming. Mustang stared back, uncowed and unreadable, fingers laced in front of his mouth again. “The military is going to have a very big problem with the idea of letting a civilian child keep hold of an unknown sentient species.”

Ed stiffened as he remembered exactly who this man was. He opened his mouth, ready to let loose a furious tirade, but Truth stopped him before he could get started. “You will not gain the renown of recruiting such a young and talented alchemist if we’re locked up in a lab somewhere.” It told Mustang calmly, which was definitely more diplomatic than what Ed had been planning to say. Mustang’s eyebrows rose. “If we let it get that far. Which we would not.” Ed grinned, sharp and feral.

Then he caught sight of a tiny crinkle at the corner of Mustang’s eye that could only be there if the bastard was smiling. “I didn’t say I would agree with them.” He pointed out smugly. “But it is going to be a problem, one that we’re going to need a solution for.”

Ed stared at him, thrown off-balance by such a rapid turn around. “You’re going to help us hide this shit?” He checked.

Mustang nodded, his smile dying. “I won’t claim to be a good man, Elric, but I like to hope that I have my limits, and condemning children to the life of a lab rat is on the far side of what I can live with.” He explained. Then brushed that moment of sincerity aside with nothing more than a straightening of his posture. “Obviously, we can’t tell them the truth, but we’re going to need to come up with a very convincing cover story.”

“Why do we need one?” Al asked.

Ed turned to scowl at him. “Haven’t you been listening, Al?”

Al shook his head, but not in answer to Ed’s question. “No, I mean… even if you take out the symbiotes, we don’t actually need to lie to make sure Tucker will get arrested. Especially not if- if Nina can’t be found.” He pointed out. Ed blinked, and reshuffled everything he knew about what Tucker had done to remove all the parts involving the symbiotes. He remembered the scene in the lab downstairs, and realised that Al was right.

“It’s a good idea.” Truth agreed. “It may even be useful.”

“Useful how?” Mustang challenged at once.

Truth grinned at him. To Mustang’s credit, his only reaction was a faint widening of his eyes and a tensing of his hands where they were laced together. “Those who do not know of us will assume Nina was destroyed in an attempt to create another talking chimera. Those who do will suspect that she became a host and ran off. If someone wants to look for her, then we will know that they know.”

Mustang inclined his head thoughtfully. “We will suspect, at the very least.” He hedged, but it was close enough to an agreement that Truth felt perfectly satisfied. “But that still leaves me with several questions.” He pointed out, lifting one hand to tick the points off on his fingers. “I will need somewhere the military won’t think to look for Nina to stay. I will need to dispose of the… remains of the other symbiotes downstairs. And, then, of course, I will need to find somewhere else for the two of you to stay.” He paused, eyes narrowing faintly, and then addressed Truth. “Do your people have any particular customs in regards to death rights and burial?”

Ed blinked. He hadn’t expected that level of respect, and going by how quietly floored Truth felt inside of him, still and shocked and aching in some indefinable way, neither had Truth. Then it was flooded with wry humour. “Thank you for that, Mustang.” It said wryly. “You may have less respect for our, as you call them, burial customs when you know what they are.”

Mustang raised his eyebrows, and opened his mouth to ask, but Ed, who was getting the thought-memory-knowledge directly from Truth’s mind, said very suddenly; “That’s disgusting.”

“What is?” Al pressed, while Mustang’s eyebrows just inched higher on his forehead.

“We eat our dead.” Truth informed them.

Al recoiled. “Oh.” He said, weak and wavering, looking nauseous.

“It’s not as if humans are strangers to cannibalism, either.” Mustang pointed out, although he didn’t sound entirely sanguine with the whole idea. Al pulled a face that very clearly said he didn’t want to accept that as truth, even if he knew it was.

“We begin and end our lives that way. It is fitting. Besides, it is not as if we decompose the same way your people do. Your cities would still be littered with our dead if we did not recycle them for you.” Truth pointed out, amused, but it was only on the surface. Underneath, there was an aching sense of loss and sorrow.

I’m really not okay with that, just so you know. Ed pointed out internally, not quite wanting to have this conversation out loud. But the idea of having to consume those things, knowing what they were, made him feel sick to his stomach. Isn’t there anything else we can do with them?

It would be an entirely avoidable waste. Truth retorted, with no small amount of disgust at the concept. They deserve more respect than that.

Eating them is respectful now?! Ed thought in disbelief.

More respectful than simply destroying them, rendering all of that substance and energy a pointless waste of resources. All living things consume and are consumed in their turn. To deny a creature their rightful place in that cycle is an abomination.

Ed’s guts squirmed unpleasantly. I take your point, I guess, but I don’t know if I can, okay?

He got the very distinct sense that if Truth had eyes, it would be rolling them at him. Coward.

Asshole. Ed retorted.

“It would make Ed less squeamish if you could burn them, Mustang.” Truth said, tone distinctly derisive. Ed mentally jabbed at it in retort. It jabbed him back, clearly unhappy with him.

Mustang looked between them thoughtfully, and leaned back in his chair. “I will, if that is what you’d prefer, but I wouldn’t want to interfere with your customs against your wishes.” He said coolly. “Perhaps…” He couldn’t quite keep the grimace off his face as he went on, but he did say it, which was more than Ed could ever have managed. “…perhaps one of the others could, if Elric is unwilling to participate?” He suggested, nodding towards Nina and Mania.

Ed’s stomach dropped like a lead weight at the thought of asking Nina to do something like that after everything. He shook his head violently over Truth’s Oh, I really like him and Nina’s quiet whimper and flinch.

“Fine, I’ll do it, just-” He swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat and glared at the table. “Just let’s not put Nina through that on top of everything else.”

Nina’s hand grabbed for his arm, gripping with the sort of strength that made Ed think it wasn’t just Nina doing the grabbing. “But we’re hungry.” She whispered. Ed was really starting to get creeped out by the plural pronouns she kept using. “We don’t want- But- Brother, we’re h-hungry.” Ed wanted to cry, wanted to rage and scream at Nina being reduced to this, having to deal with this. He half expected Truth to point out that she wouldn’t have to if Ed hadn’t been a bleeding heart and had just sent all the symbiotes to the Gate, but that thought came in his own voice, not Truth’s.

You were right. Truth told him, silently radiating a sense of regret and sorrow mingled with a strange sort of lightness Ed didn’t quite have a name for. I had gotten so used to the Gate being the only solution, I had begun to forget what we used to be. What we ought to be. What we, perhaps… could learn to be again. Ed buried his face in Nina’s hair, trying not to let himself get swept up in relief at the notion that maybe he hadn’t fucked up too badly in that one instance.

“Okay.” Ed whispered to Nina, because he was going to have to help her deal with this, with having a symbiote and that endless gnawing hunger. And he was going to have to… deal with the symbiote, too, a child who knew nothing but instincts to consume, and he was going to have to help Truth guide it to better practices than eating the brains of other sentient, living creatures. The fact that the idea of eating the baby symbiotes was profoundly disturbing to him was probably not something he ought to pass on to her, if Truth was right about how symbiotes usually behaved.

I wouldn’t lie about it. Truth protested, deeply offended by the very notion.

“If that’s all sorted, then?” Mustang prompted, looking between Ed, Nina, and Al pointedly. Ed nodded. “I’m going to call in reinforcements and arrange places to stay for everyone. You two-” He nodded towards Ed and Al. “-should see about bringing up the jars.” Which was a very good idea, in Ed’s opinion. It was one thing to get Nina to eat the corpses of her not-siblings, it was another to make her walk through the carnage in the lab to do it. “Try to avoid disturbing anything else, and please dispose of the jars once you’re done.” Mustang concluded his instructions.

They left Nina in the hall with Mustang while he rang his people, and set about bringing up the jars one armload at a time. Once they had them all laid out in the living room, Nina crept in to join them looking so damn broken, hollow eyed and pale and hunched in on herself, that Ed had to fight the urge to be sick. Is there any sort of… ceremony to this? He asked Truth.

Not particularly. Truth replied with a mental shrug.

That’s bullshit. Ed replied as he beckoned Nina over to sit with him and tucked her under his arm. “Okay.” Ed said again, and then reached out to the first jar and deactivated the array. Immediately, the eerie light faded, and the symbiote inside stopped twitching. It lay still, a puddle of lifeless matter at the bottom of the inner bulb. He unscrewed the lid and tipped it out into the palm of his hand. It was cold and slick, like holding a palm-full of jelly. He felt like he ought to say something, make this more of a memorial than a snack, but he couldn’t think of what to say.

Just eat it. Truth thought tiredly.

Ed raised his hand to his mouth and pushed the ball of alien viscera into his mouth. At least Truth had the courtesy to swallow for him, because he couldn’t have convinced himself to do it, or even worse, bitten into the thing. He opened the next jar, and, hating himself more with every passing second, tipped the thing inside into Nina’s shaking palm. “It’s kind of like swallowing a water balloon.” Ed told her.

Nina gave a startled, hysterical little giggle, all but threw the thing into her mouth, and then burst into tears. Ed tugged her closer, and wished he felt he could join her. Wordlessly, with tears streaking silently down his own cheeks, Al proffered up the next one.

[cheion-writes]

Smiles

How Steel tries to make Sidestep smile, or how Steel realizes he is slowly falling deeply in love.

Steel/Sidestep. Steel!POV. Spoilers!

No angst – not this time. Yep, I decided to stop being an ass to Steel. For now.

Thanks @auroriane for beta-reading! :)

----

0.

Seven years ago, they fell.

You never see them again.

Then one day, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, they reappear. And when you realize just how shattered they feel, you find that nothing's right in your world.

1.

They're a wreck, eyes dark-rimmed and exhausted. They're looking at the dogs, expression far away, stance hunched, small and vulnerable in a way you've never seen them before.

Fear. Misery. Desperation. Pain.

Spoon whines; he too senses something is wrong. You pace forward hesitantly, expecting them to react and shy away from you but they remain frozen; it's never happened before.

You don't know why that makes your heart clench painfully.

So, you reach out for them. Maybe you're worried. Maybe it's just the guilt. Or maybe it's something more.

They turn to you and you see their eyes... eyes so haunted it makes them look much older than they really are.

Your heart tightens.

Then, loving, tender-hearted Spoon jumps up and licks their face, yipping joyfully and covering them in slobber. You see their momentary surprise, the flash of a smile on their face before it's blown away in the wind.

You find yourself wishing to see them smile again.

2.

You meet them one afternoon as you're walking Spoon. He must remember who they are for he barks happily, pulls the leash out of your hands, and dashes forward.

You almost miss the tiny smile on their face at his furiously wagging tail. Their soft laugh as he rolls onto his back and exposes his belly in its full, furry glory.

You find yourself chuckling as they reach out and give him a rub. But when they (reluctantly) disengage and wave goodbye, you see the smile falter and fall.

And you find yourself promising to bring those smiles back again.

3.

One day, they corner you in the Ranger's base. They look particularly miserable; their vulnerability and exhaustion radiate strongly in waves.

Sadness. Despair. Regret. Pain.

What they speak, their words are halting. They ask if you could go to the dog park. If you could bring Spoon.

You don't know why you're disappointed they didn't just ask for you. But still, you barely hesitate before you agree. You don't know the reason why.

By the time you arrive, they're there by the tree. They turn to you and you sense their immediate relief when they spot Spoon.

You watch as they collapse to their knees and envelop him in a hug. Spoon whines, leans in, and nuzzles their cheek. You see the watery smile upon their face, and you find yourself wishing that it was you they chose to hold.

And when you realize with a start that their smile has never reached their eyes before, you find yourself vowing to make them truly smile.

4.

You ask them out one day, if they'd like to walk Spoon with you. Yet, as shocked as you are by your own words, it's more than made up for by the surprise that lights up their face.

Wonder. Gratitude. Relief. Hope.

"I'd like that very much," they say, their tentative smile sending your heart aflutter.

It's the first time you've made them smile. You hope it will not be the last.

5.

You see them more often now. They feel lighter. Less burdened.

On one of your walks (without Spoon), you find them unconsciously drifting closer to you. And as you gently brush your hands against their knuckles and slip your fingers into their own, you see a tiny smile form upon their lips.

But still, it doesn't quite reach their eyes.

6.

You're with them one night, staring off into the ocean. They're sitting beside you; they’re close, so very close.

"Why do you want to be with me?" they ask quietly.

"Because I care about you,” you say.

They smile, though it's a sad, bitter one. "Why do you care for something that isn’t real?"

You interlace your fingers with their own, trying to ignore the brokenness in their voice. "You’re here. You’re real. This is real.”

They pull away. They don’t meet your gaze. “I… you should leave, Chen. Go back to Ortega. Go back to your team.” Their voice is small. Exhausted.

Pain. Despair. Loneliness. Resignation.

Your heart stutters at that. Taking their chin in your hands, you gently turn them to face you. “Why would I when you’re the only one I need?”

You glimpse a flicker of something in their eyes, but as fleeting as the sun on a cold winter’s day, it fades away.

7.

"Wei? Can I ask you something?"

They're at your apartment. Their eyes dart nervously back and forth, their hands fiddling with their sweater. They look worried. Stressed. Afraid.

Is someone after them?

You rise to your feet, the unspoken question on your lips but they shake their head.

"No, I'm fine. it's just..." They take a deep breath and lick their lips. "If... if I'm not really what you think I am... will you still care?"

The question takes you by surprise, but your reply comes easily; the words are heartfelt after all: "I always will."

You hear their sniffle, sense the desperation in their eyes. "Really?"

Hope. Uncertainty. Longing. Fear.

Their wretched voice tears at your heartstrings. Nodding firmly, you place an arm around their shoulder. "Whatever it is... you will always be you. Nothing will change that." Nothing will change how I feel for you.

It makes them smile briefly, though it vanishes all too soon as their growing fear returns.

"Then...there's something I need to show you."

8.

They remove their sweater. They remove their shirt.

And for the first time, you see them for who they really are. You see the secrets they've hidden for all their life.

Your attention is drawn first to the scars – and there are just so many, far too many; oh, just what horrors have they suffered? – before your eyes land on the orange tattoos that mark every inch of their body.

You swallow hard.

You know those colours. You know those designs.

They're... they're a regene.

And finally, everything falls into place. Finally, you understand why they avoided cameras and hospitals like the plague. Why they refused to submit to those background checks. Why they wore layers upon layers in the dreadful heat of the sun... Why they never could bring themself to smile...

You see them begin to tremble at your extended silence.

Self-loathing. Disgust. Pain. Fear.

Swiftly, you step forward and envelop them in a fierce hug, rubbing tiny circles onto their back. "I know how hard this must be for you… but know this: regardless of where you were from, you've the biggest heart I've ever known. You're human in every sense of the term, and don't you dare think otherwise."

You feel them crumple. You feel them wrap their arms tightly around you, tears soaking deep into your thin shirt. You hold them close and refuse to let go; you never will again.

"Thank you," they say hoarsely.

You’d like to think they smiled then, but you can't tell from the tears in your eyes.

9.

"Do you really think this will work?" they whisper. "Sometimes... sometimes I look at you and the only thing I recall are the times you didn't trust me."

Your blood freezes over; you had feared this would happen.

"I'm sorry I doubted you," you reply softly. "Seven years ago, ... I'm sorry for failing to trust you… to save you… to find you."

Your eyes are watering now, but the words continue to tumble forth like a raging river, unimpeded and untamed. "I'm sorry it took me this long to realize how foolish I have been, for never considering why you needed to hide. And… and if staying away is better for you… if this apology is seven years too late-"

Your throat locks up; please, please I don’t want you to leave. But if this is what will help you heal…You choke down the bile and force yourself to continue.

"-then...then I'll let you go."

You lower your gaze, close your eyes, and wait.

...

...

You feel them take your hands into their own. You feel their fingers find you chin. And when you open your eyes, you see their sincere, tear-filled eyes gazing deep into yours.

"It isn't too late," they say. “I’m not going anywhere you can’t follow.”

You choke out a sob. There's so much you wish to say, so much you wish for them to know. You want to tell them they're the most courageous, empathetic and compassionate person you have ever known. You want to thank them for forgiving you, for accepting you, for loving you. You want to promise to never leave them, to be there by their side forevermore.

But in the end, you simply say the three words that matter most, the three words that encompass all that you promise and feel.

"I love you."

And, finally, finally, you see them truly smile.

It's a genuine, beautiful smile, and it's the loveliest thing you've ever seen.

Faith. Hope. Joy. Love.

And finally, at long last, all is right in your world.

[sweetbroloveit]

The 100 Season 4 Finale

Holy shit y’all! I watched it this morning and I wasn’t quite able to process it all so I watched again it tonight. It was really intense and I pretty much scream-sobbed the whole way through. And then I cried even more on the second viewing.

Thoughts and feels under the cut. (LOL, this is 3 pages y’all, so grab a bottle of wine first)

The Blake Siblings moment was BEAUTIFUL! I love them so much. I loved the mythology callback and how he teased her for ruining his Prometheus metaphor! I’m thrilled she finally said ‘I love you’ and even though his reply was cut off, at least he said it in 4x11 so she knows. And them both saying ‘May we Meet Again’ to the dead radio also killed me in the best way.

With regards to Wonkru in the bunker, I’m kind of bummed we didn’t get to see more of the fallout from Kane and Jaha’s choice last week, but there really just wasn’t time. I saw a review suggest this should have been a 2 hour finale and I actually think that would have been awesome, maybe then they could have spent the first half focused on the bunker, and the second half with the time crunch space race? But anyway. Just to touch on the Octavia as commander story: I’m really glad Indra specified that this wasn’t the same as being Heda/The Commander as we’ve known it. Octavia isn’t taking the Flame, she’s not trying take on a spiritual role or be blessed by the Faith, she is their champion and their leader in her own way. The forehead charm kind of bugged me in season 3 for edging on cultural appropriation, but I think giving it its own symbolic importance has helped. So it’s not just decoration or someone playing dress up, it’s a symbol of the leader – much like Skairkru’s chancellor’s pin.

Now on to the best part – the remaining Delinquents and friends:

I really wish those scripts hadn’t been leaked so early in the season. Even though I never read them, they obviously influenced people’s speculations and fandom discussion so you couldn’t help but know Clarke would be left behind. And the promos showed her on a post-praimfaya Earth, so that was dumb. It took some of the fun out of it, but the mining colony prisoner transport landing instead of the Space Delinquents was a cool twist at least.

I was really looking forward to a season of the Delinquents in space and the adults in the bunker on earth, that would have been a great callback to season 1 but… that’s exactly why they wouldn’t do that storyline, because they have done it before. So I can understand their choices based on the story they seem to want to tell next season: going back to 3 factions returning to earth – Space People (Mining Colony Prisoners), Grounders (Clarke and Madi) and Mountain Men (Wonkru underground). I really hope the Space Delinquents get back to Earth soon and that everyone in the bunker is okay. I’ll be excited to see the leadership triumvirate of Clarke, Bellamy and Octavia take on the Mining Prisoners (assuming they will be the new antagonists).

The scene where the space gang was suffocating, while trying to connect the oxygen up, was incredible. I felt like I also couldn’t breathe. And I absolutely loved how they all cared for each other, sharing their oxygen and pulling everyone closer to the vents. They felt like a real team, Emori and Echo included (bless you Echo for pulling off Bellamy’s helmet when his oxygen finally gave out!)

I loved Monty and Murphy’s scenes on the ground – Murphy has grown so much. Monty hugging him and saying maybe he doesn’t hate him anymore was amazing!

I also really loved Bellamy’s scenes with Raven and Echo. At first I thought Echo was up to some sabotaging shadiness when she put on her white face paint. Her ritual was so similar to the Azgeda assassin’s when they blew up Mount Weather, I really thought she was going to fuck everything up. Her suicide plan took me by surprise since the whole reason she saved the Delinquents last week was to secure a place in the lighthouse bunker and survive. But I guess the idea of living in space was rather daunting and just reminded her of how isolated she was from her own people. The look on her face when she saw the rocket was quite telling. I liked how Bellamy talked her down, he was super honest about how he may never trust her but he was still compassionate. It reminded me of how he talked Raven out of running away in season 1, by pointing out how the group needs her.

Bellamy and Raven had some great scenes as well. I loved their final scene when he asked if she was with him and she said “always”. That was really special. I personally have never seen any romantic chemistry between them, their sex scene in season 1 still makes me cover my eyes, but I like their friendship. And I’m pretty sure they’re going to hook Bellamy up with either Raven or Echo during the time jump (since he thinks Clarke is dead *sob!*) and I would rather it be Raven than Echo tbh.

BELLARRRRRRRKKKKKKE!!!! MY BABIESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I’m so sad they’ve been separated for 6 fucking years! But again, we knew it was coming. I thought at first, I would rather them be separated than have them hook up during the 5 year time jump and us miss all the development. But really they have had 4 seasons worth of build up so as a shipper I would have been happy if season 5 started with them being all cute and domestic up in space, like ‘Boom! We’re canon now!’ But I digress…

The overly-optimistic part of me thought maybe he would give up his spot on the rocket and stay with her, but that really wouldn’t make sense since he’s not a nightblood, and they needed to show him making the rational choice rather than the emotional choice to further his character development. I think Bellamy’s growth as a leader is going to be a big feature of next season, but in order to push that they sadly needed to separate him from Clarke, his partner, for a significant period. My hopeful shipper side also kicked in when she started their heart-heart (or rather heart-to-head) and I thought for a second she might make a love confession. But alas… we have yet another season to wait for canon romantic-Bellarke. But we really did get some amazing scenes with them this episode.

THAT HUG! OMG! The way he rushed to her and pulled her into his arms, and the way she squeezed him so tight she linked her hands behind his back, and when he put his hand in her hair at the back of her neck… I AM CRYING AGAIN. They love each other so fucking much!

SO many touches this episode! I screamed for their entire scene up on the balcony. The way he gently caressed her face and later she put her hand on his chest/heart and touched his temple… I CAN’T! They are not platonic. Those were not friend touches. They are in love.

*Ahem*

Fangirling aside, their conversation was beautiful. I loved the role reversal from 4x06: This time Clarke was the one who wanted to have the feelings talk and Bellamy was the one trying to shut down any notion that this was goodbye; he was convinced they were both going to make it. But she really thought there was a chance Abby’s premonition was true so she was trying to prepare him for leading without her. Just like 4x06, she told him how special he was. And she was 100% right, she has always seen who he really is and admired his heart. When she told him he needed to use his head sometimes too, the way he said “That’s what I have you for” absolutely fucking broke me.

As for Bellamy leaving Clarke behind, it had to be done. He was right, it’s what Clarke wanted. After their conversation, Bellamy took on the responsibility for their people – sacrificing Clarke is part of that (season 1 finale parallels anyone?). He has to make sure their people survive and that means not only getting them safely off the dying planet, but also being there for them and leading them for the next five years in space. The way he kept glancing at the doors, hoping she’d make it just in time, his quiet “May we meet again”, and then “I left her behind” when he thinks he sacrificed the person that he loves for nothing – It was not an easy decision to make, but it just shows how much he has grown as a leader since season 1. We save who we can save today.

But now he thinks Clarke Griffin is dead that that hurts me like you have no idea. But he won’t let her death be in vain. He is going to make damn sure every one of those space delinquents thrives. He’s going to be the best leader he can be, to honour her. I loved him looking at The Baton bottle at the window on the Ark (the Ring?). So technically it was Jaha passing on the baton, but I think it’s obviously also a symbol of Clarke handing the sole leadership to Bellamy (for now).

Oh and my girl Clarke Griffin! So brave! So strong! The worst part of her staying on Earth for me was the idea that she would be by herself for 5 years. I really didn’t want that for her. So I’m glad she found Madi. I’m not wild about the sudden Clarke-as-a-mom storyline. It feels like a cheap way to “soften” her? Like she adopts a child and now she’ll be a very different person and make completely different choices? I don’t know. I’m probably wrong. I’m sure they’ll make it work. I thought they’d go the Heda Clarke route this season and they proved me wrong (and called out the shittiness of it) so I’m willing to keep an open mind.

AND SHE’S BEEN RADIO-ING BELLAMY BLAKE EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 6 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS!? The thought of him keeps her sane, reminds her of her humanity!? I mean!?! Even when he is millions of miles away HE STILL KEEPS HER CENTERED. I really don’t know if the show will ever go full-on romantic Bellarke, but they have already proven that they are soulmates. I really hope they let them make out and get married etc. but I’m willing to wait for it as long as the show keeps giving their relationship the attention and care that it deserves.

Gah! Is it 2018 yet?