#and then how he softly touches trailblazer's hand in comfort

[samudrarthaa]

not dan heng completely shattering my heart into a million crying pieces

[marbl3z]

☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩ the rain brings me comfort with you in my arms.

it feels like my titles are getting longer and longer omgg-

✧ : dan heng ( Inbibator Lunae) x (trailblazer)! Gn!reader. ;; fluff / comfort.

Cw: hugging, Dan heng is lost in his thoughts about his past, kissing, nicknames from you to him, it's just a super sweet moment between you and him. I headcanon Dan Heng (IBL) purrs! (HC) When Dan heng is upset or experiencing very strong emotions sometimes his "full" form will manifest.

WARNING:: Honkai: Star Rail spoilers // Trailblazer quest spoilers // Dan Heng IBL spoilers.

You walked back to the hotel, you and your crew were staying at, everyone had to share a room with each other so money wasn't so tight at the new planet the express had arrived at. Upon entering you noticed one of your familiars, your boyfriend; Dan Heng, sitting by the window staring up at the cloudy sky.

"hey," you whisper, walking towards him with gentle steps.

"oh, welcome back... where's March?" He seems to have snapped out of his daze, his eyes meeting yours.

"she wanted to go shopping, so I said I'd meet up with her later I wanted to come check on you," you sit next to him, watching the gentle drops of water fall from the sky. "What have you been up to?"

"..." he sighs before responding, "I've been trying to distract myself, to be honest. Taking notes in my notebook for the databank on the express, reading on the lofou's history..." he rubs the back of his neck, his long hair tied in a low pony tail from March.

You reach to caress his face, rubbing his cheek with your thumb lovingly. "I'm sorry, my dear." He leans into your touch, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes closed. He sighs once more.

"I'm just... lost on this journey to find out who Dan Feng really was. Who the type of person he was, what did he do, how did the people see him... I'm sorry for not going out with you and march, instead just. Surrounding myself with books and work. I don't want neither of you, nor the express to worry about me.." he opens his eyes meeting yours, you reach your hand up to in-between his horns. Petting his hair softly, before moving your arms to engulf him in a comforting hug.

"Don't apologize, my flower," you coo in his ears, his face buried in your chest. "You're doing your best," you kiss the top of his head. "Take as much time as you need to feel ready to come out with us, we'll never rush you... worrying for you is what we do, we care for you, No matter what your past is. We love you more than you can imagine," you stroke his hair gently, pulling the hair tie out to brush through his hair. You feel a small rumble in your chest from him, as if he was a cat purring.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, wrapping his arms around your body, hugging you close. "I shouldn't be like this," you hush him by kissing the shell of his vidyadhara ears.

"Dan Heng." You whisper is in ear, causing it to flicker against your warm breath. "You are okay, I promise."

"..." he sighs, hugging you closer, his horns bumping against your chin. You stroke his hair as he closes his eyes once more, letting these few moments of peace wash over him.

"I love you," you whisper in his ear, placing your hands on top of his back. Rubbing gentle circles upon the fabric of his sweater.

"I love you too,"

"I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. It's so unfair you don't deserve this," you coo. his strong emotion of sadness and confusion manifesting a faint illusion of longer horns and his tail, the fluffy tip of the tail swaying like a cats.

You two sit like that for a few minutes, but it feels as if a few seconds had passed. After moving to the wall so your back doesn't hurt, you get a text from March asking if Dan Heng was okay and when you guys were going to meet up to go shopping together for the express crew.

"hey.." you poke his head gently.

"hm?" He nudges your chest, turning his head so he look up at you. The illusions are gone now.

"March wanted to know if you wanted to go shopping with us, and she wanted to know if you were feeling any better," you show him the messages with March.

"... I don't mind going," he takes a deep breath, before sitting up. "Is she on her way to the meet up place?" He stretches turning to look at you as he stands.

"yeah, in a few minutes. It's quite cold outside, so make sure you dress warm." You glance back at your phone typing a quick message to March.

"alright," he goes to find his jacket slipping on his shoes.

"Hey come here," you stand up, walking up to your lover. Pulling his hair up as he slips his arms through his sleeves of his jacket. You brush your hands through his hair lifting it up and pressing your lips against his neck.

He shivers as you press your lips against the top of his spinal cord. You smile softly, pulling his hair in a low ponytail. You kiss the tip of his ear before standing next to the door waiting for him to finish getting ready. he grabs his phone and wallet meeting you at the door, your fingers intertwining as you two make your way out of the hotel room. once the door is locked and closed you two walk down the hall to meet the welcoming rainy day.

---

i love dan heng sm, both IBL and normal,, like. ugghh hes so soft-

this is such a short but sweet fic,, i had a dream about him and it was exactly like this, <33. he deserves so much

[stragefields]

gepard comes home from a exhausting work day and you surprise him with something he didn‘t expect…

tw: fluff, shower, massages ?

characters: gepard

you stir in your sleep as you hear the slight crack of the door opening revealing your husband gepard.

he looks so exhausted again, his body still tense and the bangs under his eyes clearly visible. you just hate seeing him like that but you know he was born to be in this job and you support him living his dream. maybe you could help him out.

standing up from the couch in the living room, walking towards him and embrace him in a hug which he gives willingly in.

„how was work my love?“ you ask him softly while softly massaging his scalp.

„mhm could be better, you know i really want to protect belobog and-“ „i know you‘re trying your best and thats okay. i‘m so proud of you you know“ you interrupt him by putting a finger at his beautiful mouth. „how about i help you to relax geppi?“

„sorry y/n but i‘m far too exhausted riggt now for sex“ he says while softly shoving your hand away from his mouth. „i wasn‘t talking about this kind of relaxing. come with me.“ you say quietly as you walk with your hand intertwined with his towards the bathroom.

„i was talking about a shower. i thought you need that right after-“ you don‘t come to finish your sentence because gepards soft but unexpected kiss hits you offguard. „thank you my love, that’s just what i need. you‘re joining me, aren‘t you?“ he sends you a questioning gaze.

instead of answering you just nod and start to take down his work clothes followed by your night gown and taking gepard into the shower.

he visibly relaxes as you turn the hot water on, leaning his head back and flexing his back muscles, very aware that you‘re watching him.

after a few minutes you turn your gaze around to look for the shampoo. quickly finding it you go back to gepard pouring some of the liquid into your hands and then softly starting scratching gepards scalp. shortly after he stiffens but then relaxing at your comforting touch. then he turns to you softly smiling at you and moving towards you, sneaking his arms around your waist and leaning into you, closing his eyes.

„you tired“ you ask while continuing to massage the shampoo in his hair when he just hums in response.

after washing the shampoo out you tell gepard to turn around that you can massage his back.

poor gepard is completely disoriented after opening his eyes bit he just looks too cute with the long lashes and the wet strands.

you start working at his neck around his broad shoulders and down his shoulderblades. while you have hands full he seem to enjoy you gift of affection.

when you two finished showering you snuggled yourself in comfortably clothes and laying in the enormous bed of yours while hugging each other and slowly drifting off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this was literally so long in my brain that i just had to write it down in one sitting and i think i‘m officially a gepard girly now.

maybe i‘ll write about some other hsr characters in the future but i don‘t have that much background knowledge since i just started playing the game and i‘m just like trailblazer level 18 but yeah.

anyways i hope that you guys have a great day, byee

reposts, comments, follows and other ways of support are appreciated

[rateatingraccoon]

Messes (Danmarch fanfiction)

Ugh, finally wrote something again. It's about damn time. Sorry that I've been promising bg3 fics but with no results... my brain doesn't like cooperating. Hope you understand.

Anywho, Danmarch. Golly gee. Fic under the cut!

“After another battle, Dan Heng finds himself covered in blood. March insists she help him clean up.”

WARNING: Blood, mentions of murder and violence.

A powerful being sat before March. She had watched him and his draconic companions shred the likes of Gods, had watched him part the sea, had watched him slide into the skin of his past as though it was an old friend he didn’t wish to see again. She had seen him soaked in blood, most of it not his own, and command beings that could snap all of them in half with a simple flick of slender fingers. She’d seen him defensive and vicious, slaughtering minions enforcing a manipulative agenda without so much as a blink.

And yet here he was, in March’s prized sphere chair, surrounded by pastel pillows and plushies. His muscles didn’t ripple from battle but rather from having to shift himself to keep from staining her valuables with scarlet, no matter how many times she told him she didn’t mind. She’d gone as far as to make him pull off his shirt and change into fresh pants, so he could feel comfortable enough to at least somewhat relax. While his exposed body was certainly attrractive, March was keenly focused on his face, collarbone and hands instead - where much of the blood splatter had hit, and where a few cuts had disturbed his pale skin.

“This is unnecessary, love,” he protested weakly, a stark contrast to how strong he had seemed just an hour ago. His eyelids hung low in exhaustion, his arms tense but shaking as though struggling to support him as he leaned down with his weight on them.

March simply grunted as she dragged her bucket of warm water closer, trying her best not to let any slosh out and onto her carpet. “So what if it’s unnecessary?” she huffed, finally placing it on the ground and kneeling down to take the soaked rag out of the water. “I want to do it, so it doesn’t matter if I need to. Now stop protesting before I go get the trailblazer and tell them to help me!”

Dan Heng’s eyes narrowed at the thought, and the sight let know March had succeeded. He wanted nothing less than for the trailblazer to see him being pampered by March; and while he had protested, he hadn’t actually told her to stop or that he didn’t want to be pampered. March knew him well enough to know he simply refused to admit he wanted this, after having fended for himself for so very long.

At his silence, March hummed in satisfaction and began to ring out the piece of cloth until it was merely damp. “Thought so,” she sneered playfully, straightening herself and tenderly taking his jaw in her grasp, tilting it up. It always felt strange to look down on him like this, when he was so much taller than her in both forms - not that she was complaining. She smiled softly and lifted the rag to a patch of half-dried blood, gently wiping the stain away and, with it, the evidence of his struggle. Of his fighting. Of his past.

Dan Heng’s eyes fluttered closed at the combined warmth of her hand and the water, leaning into her touch as she continued to gently wipe away each and every drop of blood and dirt. Even as she moved downward to his messy neck and collarbone, he simply leaned his head back to allow her better access, letting her move his hair out of the way. However, as she did, her smile faltered. “Your hair’s all messy with blood, too,” she told him, rubbing the tangled strands between her fingers, long silky hair now clumped and dry.

“I’ll wash it once you’re done.” he said simply, but after a moment of silence from March and no more sensations of the cloth he opened his eyes and looked down at her. She was still gingerly observing his hair, chewing at her bottom lip as though withholding something she wanted to say.

He remained silent, waiting for her to speak on her own time. It didn’t take long for her to realize he was staring down at her, and she blushed softly and dropped the strand of hair. He raised a curious eyebrow, silently encouraging her to say what she wanted.

Seeing the gesture, she took in a sharp breath and asked her question all in one jumble of words, looking back down at the limp strand of hair now resting against his bare skin. “Could I wash your hair for you?”

Dan Heng’s eyes widened slightly, conveying his surprise. Still, something twisted in his chest: desire. Not in a sexual way, but rather a longing for intimacy that he’d been declined for many years and now was given to him freely. It almost felt wrong to accept, after how much she’d been caring for him already, and yet his voice seemed to emerge on its own accord.

“I would like that.”

March looked up at his face in obvious shock, but it was soon replaced with a giddy grin. He was never quite so direct with his allowances, and she’d yet to do more than clean off his skin as she was doing now. Washing his hair would be something new for both of them, and yet he agreed so readily that excitement swirled in her chest at just those four words.

Dan Heng observed her silently but curiously as she immediately straightened and rushed over her closet, leaning as far into it as she could go and digging through her buckets of stuff. At last, she found what she was looking for: a basin, pink and with the outside decked in stickers, looking well-used but nonetheless dusty. She set it up and pushed the stool from her vanity before it, brushing her hands together in pride and motioning to Dan Heng to come over.

He stood slowly and made his way over, taking the chance to look over the basin that he hadn’t even known she had. As he lowered himself onto the stool and watched her go digging into her bathroom for supplies, he took the opportunity to ask about it.

“Why do you have this?” he questioned casually, looking over his shoulder at where she was pulling out a brush, shampoo and conditioner that looked as if it’d never even been opened. As she prepared for his hair bath, she answered in scattered snippets.

“When Himeko first freed me from the ice, I didn’t even remember how to wash my hair,” she explained, jogging over to her abandoned bucket of water and dragging it back to the bathroom to replace the bloodied water with fresh liquid. “So she let me pick out a basin at a planet and would use it to teach me. Sometimes she even let me wash her hair, but that stopped quickly ‘cause she uses a ton of products for it and I never used them right.”

As she rambled, she returned to the basin and poured the new water into it before bringing her supplies over as well. “When I was really tired, she would use this to wash my hair for me. But I haven’t used it in a while…” Her voice faltered as her attention flickered briefly to look over the stickers decorating the sides of the basin, many peeling off from weeks of friction against other clutter in the cramped closet.

Apparently done with her tangent, she positioned herself behind the basin and carefully gathered Dan Heng’s long hair, pooling it into the water. Immediately clouds of red rose from the dirtied strands, but most of the blood nonetheless remained stuck to his hair. As March ran her fingers slowly through the woven strands, separating what she could gingerly enough that Dan Heng felt little pain, he found himself relaxing against the edge of the basin, head leaning back and allowing her full access to his scalp.

He listened silently as March deemed her pre-work good enough and opened the shampoo bottle, squirting a bit onto her hand and massaging the foaming substance deeply into his roots. He groaned softly in content, leaning back to soak in every movement of her fingers, finding himself relaxing more than he ever found himself doing since he first revealed this form to his companions.

The water gradually grew soapy as March continued her work, humming softly as she appreciated each and every second that Dan Heng allowed her to pamper him. And with the way his eyes were now fluttered closed, his breathing slow and calm, she didn’t imagine he would be stopping her anytime soon. She withheld a quiet chuckle as to not disturb him and simply kept working her fingers tenderly through his hair, as if he were a fragile doll rather than the guardian of an entire race. It was hard not to when he looked so vulnerable in her hands, like a prey animal showing their belly as a sign of deep trust.

Eventually March felt that his hair was deeply cleaned enough that she could begin to ease in the conditioner. She cupped water in her hands and ran the warm liquid over his soaked hair, squeezing out every bubble of shampoo before getting a generous amount of conditioner in her palms and running her hands gingerly through his hair. She could nearly feel the softness already, and could only imagine how much softer it would be when the conditioner had fully settled and his hair was dry.

The sweet scent of something akin to strawberry filled the room, making March sigh happily. The bottle instructed that the conditioner be left in for a few minutes, but rather than simply letting it sit, March continued to move her hands gently through his hair, thoroughly dispersing the substance through his hair. When it came time to rinse out the conditioner, she made sure to take her time, too enraptured with the rare sight of Dan Heng so relaxed and vulnerable to lose it so easily.

As she eventually rinsed out the conditioner, she brushed through the last of the tangles with her brush, the conditioner making it much easier to ease out the woven strands of hair until they were once again separate and silky as ever.

Once she was done, she found herself slightly disappointed, wanting to cling onto the moment for far longer than she got to. However, Dan Heng was quick to open his eyes once more when he noticed how easily the brush now slipped through his hair, and March took it as her sign to get up and retrieve a towel for him. While he at first reached for the towel to dry his hair himself, March simply pretended that she didn’t notice and took his hair out of the water, wrapping it in the towel and dabbing the damp locks until they were at least no longer dripping water onto her carpet.

As she released his hair, March looked up to find Dan Heng staring right at her, his gaze unusually soft and… grateful. Without another word, he reached for her hand and abruptly pulled her close, forcing her to drop the damp towel as her arms instinctively wrapped around his shoulders. He wrapped his own arms around her and pulled her against his bare chest, seeming to have completely forgotten about the blood still littering much of his exposed skin. Even the pain of her clothes brushing his cuts didn’t discourage him.

“Thank you, March,” he said instead, burying his head in her shoulder, hair draping over his shoulders. “I love you.”

She grinned brightly, hugging him back tightly in return. “Anytime. I love you, too, Dan Heng.”

[sincerelyxnini]

afterparty sleepy comfort ♡

#taekookau;

"Hyung, 'm gonna fall asleep."

Taehyung bites back a smile and softly presses the cotton pad to Jungkook's cheek. "5 more minutes, baby."

3AM sneaks in with the trailblazing lights of parties and beer, and settles like comfort in their room.

It's time to clean up.

Jungkook slumps against the wall, sitting on the sink and he's dangerously close to knocking over all the micellar water and cotton pads, but Taehyung's too soft-hearted to move him. His sweetheart is tired, that much is obvious.

"Can you sing for me?" Jungkook murmurs.

Taehyung hums lightly before saying, "You'd fall asleep if I do."

"No, I won't. Promise."

"Yes you will. You will, baby."

Jungkook sighs, eyes drooping shut. "How much longer?"

"The foundation's nearly off. I'll do your eyeshadow next then you'll be fine to go to sleep."

"Okay," Jungkook whispers.

Taehyung just smiles. Grabs another cotton pad, douses it in micellar water, and begins to pat away at the last vestiges of foundation on Jungkook's face.

Under his fingertips, Jungkook is warm and breathing and beautiful. Lethargic, soft.

This is always Taehyung's favourite part after a party. Some nights, he enjoys this more than the event itself.

The party they just went to was meant as a celebration for the end of finals. Taehyung simply couldn't refuse when Jungkook dragged him to one, hands clasped together, even though they were bone-tired and sleep-deprived. And it was fun - parties with Jungkook are always fun.

It was a rush of shots and sticky beer spilt on the beer pong table, music right in his ear and Jungkook's body draped over his as they jumped and danced and tasted the bitter and sweet alcohol on each other's tongues.

But it ends. It always does, and there came the downtime. The slow patter of tipsy footsteps as they walked back to their apartment. The bathroom light too bright at first, but they got used to it.

And out came the micellar water from under the vanity. The cotton pads, too.

Jackets off, tight jeans off, and Taehyung's in sweatpants but Jungkook's just in his boxers and it pleases Taehyung to know that only he, in this moment — this 3AM moment that flows like warm, viscous honey over his tongue, between his teeth, spilling out of his lips and into the kiss he presses onto Jungkook's cheek, so sweet — only he knows about the Elmo boxers that Jungkook wears.

About the bruise on his thigh and the mole on his hip.

Just as Taehyung starts on the eyeshadow, Jungkook pipes up, voice tired and slurred and on the verge of cracking, "Taehyungie hyung, you remind me of water."

Taehyung wants to keep that voice in a locket like a strand of hair. Let it hang right next to his beating heart.

"Hm?" "Well, you know," Jungkook starts. And, no, Taehyung doesn't know, but he nods anyway. His love says, "Everything you do is overflowing. Like— it— it just flows out from you in waves. Your touch and your kisses and your words. It washes over me."

"What does?"

"Love."

Taehyung pauses. Jungkook's eyes are closed. Taehyung has a cotton pad pressed over one eye, soaking up all the eyeshadow.

Even without his gaze, Taehyung can feel the sincerity of Jungkook's words. It's in the pitch — low and rough, the product of his sleepy, serious thoughts.

It's in the breathiness, and the quietness, like it's some secret that only the two of them should know. But it's not really a secret, is it?

Everyone can see Taehyung's love for Jungkook. He doesn't hide it. Displays it proudly for the world to see — their kisses, their hugs, their laughter like streams of water rushing out, a flood, and for every last droplet squeezed out of their smiling lips, there's a billion, trillion, infinite number of atoms of adoration and fondness held tenderly inside.

"That's why I remind you of water?"

"There's more."

Taehyung lifts the cotton pad from Jungkook's eye. Most of the eyeshadow is gone, but it's going to take a little more time.

Jungkook shifts, and his movements are slow and heavy and it's undoubtedly because of his intoxication seeping away.

"Once, when I went to some fancy place with my parents— I was small. Really small, and I don't have any other memories from that age except this. And, anyway, this one time we went to a really fancy hotel," Jungkook mumbles.

Taehyung gets back to cleaning him up. "Mhm."

"And there was this fountain in the foyer. Big and cool and I couldn't take my eyes off it. In the middle, there was this angel, and the water was flowing all around it, and I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world."

"The angel?"

"No. The fountain. All of it."

"But wasn't the angel the coolest thing?"

"No. The angel was the cherry on top. But I liked the water flowing out of the fountain, I liked the pool underneath, I liked the coolness of the water, and there was a gold railing around the edge of the fountain so people won't y'know, fall into it."

Taehyung finishes removing the eyeshadow from one eye and moves on to the other. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. And this railing was gold and shiny, but some parts were dulled. They were bronze. And when I asked my mom why, she said it was because so many people touched the gold railing that all the gold faded away in those areas. Turned it bronze."

"I'm like the gold railing?"

"No— Well, yes. But no." Jungkook laughs softly, nose scrunching. "Hyung, listen."

"Okay, okay. Sorry, baby."

"You're the whole fountain to me. You're the pretty angel on top — all your good, your smiles and happy moments. You're the water underneath and the mechanisms inside; all the things you don't show to everyone, but I've seen them. I've touched the cold waters that you hide, your sadness and insecurities and I love them. I love you because of them."

"And the part about the gold railing?"

"So many people have loved you. You've had a million people in your lives, but I'm the one who loves you the most. Me."

"You?"

Jungkook nods. "Me. I want you to turn bronze because of me. Just me. And you'll be golden for everyone else."

"Now, isn't that a little possessive, baby?" Taehyung uses his free hand to tap Jungkook on the chin. Jungkook's lips quirk up into a small smile, and Taehyung's heart shakes.

"Maybe," Jungkook mumbles.

"And isn't bronze less beautiful than gold?"

"No. No, hyung. Bronze is beautiful in its own way. It means you've been loved well and dearly, and I want you to be loved. So much. I want to do the loving. I want to love you forever, like I do now."

Beautiful. Jungkook is beautiful, and his sleepy words mirror his gentle soul.

Taehyung feels his breath stutter with every word that kisses Jungkook's lips because — god, dear god, how could someone store so much love in one body?

How could someone warm him to the core so unbelievably tenderly, with whispered words at 3AM and messy hair, with pouty lips and eyes closed and makeup smudged?

Taehyung's voice trembles when he whispers, "I want you to love me forever too."

"I will," Jungkook promises. So full on conviction, like he knows he will.

"And I'll love you until forever and a day, and to the lifetimes after that," Taehyung murmurs.

"Babe, don't one-up me like that," Jungkook whines, then says, "I want to love you until eternity ends and the next universe begins, and I'll love you in every universe that exists."

"Well, how did I ever get the privilege of having you as the one who loves me the most?" Taehyung asks. Soft, amused but it's a genuine question.

He still wonders how he got someone like Jungkook — gentle and caring and poetic (especially when he's sleepy) — to love him so much.

"Because you're you and I'm me," Jungkook says.

"And that’s enough?"

“More than enough.”

Taehyung finishes cleaning the last blurs of eyeshadow on Jungkook's eye. He pats Jungkook's cheek to let him know, but Jungkook reaches up to grab his wrist instead, fingers curling around his skin, and he turns his head to press a sweet kiss to Taehyung's wrist.

Jungkook opens his bleary eyes and, lips still brushing against Taehyung's skin, he whispers, "I love you."

Taehyung swipes his thumb along Jungkook's cheek, tender. "I love you too."

Jungkook yawns and says, "sleep?"

Taehyung nods. "You go ahead. I still need to clean up."

Jungkook frowns. "I'll do it."

"Baby, you're tired. Sleep. I'll be in soon."

"No, hyung. You cleaned me up. I want to do the same for you."

Stubborn. Jungkook is stubborn and determined, but his movements are clumsy and he almost pokes Taehyung in the eye when he wipes off Taehyung's eyeliner.

3AM: micellar water, cotton pads, tongue poking out the corner of his lips, and Jungkook is always so, so beautiful.

The morning is blurry and dark outside, the horizon on the verge of breaking out from the ocean it's trapped under, when they wash their faces.

The cleanser foaming up, hands grabbing for the same towel, and Taehyung giggles when their heads butt together in their chaos.

Then, they're off to bed.

The booming bass and sticky alcohol slips away down the drain, and the stars wash the night sky in lights.

But under the sheets, it smells like vanilla softener and the lavender shampoo that Jungkook uses, and Jungkook is in Taehyung's arms.

Their love comes in like a tidal wave, and Taehyung...

"Goodnight, baby," He whispers.

Jungkook mumbles something incoherent ("sing for me?"), eyes squeezed shut. Still, he manages to tip his head forward and smush his lips to Taehyung's collar in a sleepy, lingering kiss.

Love like a tidal wave, stars like the sea, the tap drips in the bathroom and Taehyung takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, holds Jungkook tighter through the night.

Softly he sings, "Twinkle twinkle, my little star..."

Jungkook melts into him a little more, breaths deepening.

"How I wonder what you are..."

Taehyung dives head first into their love like he always does. Lungs burning, body suspended in warmth.

"Up above the world so high..."

He falls asleep when the first droplets of golden sunlight trickle through the window.

--

come talk to me on my retrospring !

the twitter post~

[astrxlfinale]

"Helllooo? I believe I'm owed something, here!"

Tick, tick, tick. Midnight had since passed, Caelus perched on her neatly folded lap as he tapped at his phone. Some rhythm thing, she wagered; or maybe texting a bunch of people, or... doing whatever Caelus does. Looking up the best recipes? Looking up the nearest trash king tournament? Looking up how his friends were doing...?

Augh, all of that was important, but didn't he know--??!

"Fine! Looks like I've got the tactical advantage!" leaning down, March leant toward his chin, the angle awkward and skewed -- it wasn't full, it wasn't cheeky, but... she remained there for a moment, basking in the element of surprise. "And you got an Arachnid Kid-style kiss out of it, too!"

(for kissing day!)

"Mmm? I thought I paid you proper for that contest with the 'anytime you want' ice cream dates-- Well. You actually still have over two weeks worth of days for whenever you please."

Let no one say that Caelus doesn't keep to his deals! March's abrupt ingenuity in one of his classic games had stomped him, gloriously to top it all off. He was proud as much as his pride was wounded, as she never even tried that game before. The magical horizon of potential and possibility just happened to perfectly meet. Even now, the measure of her bubbly cheer could be well remembered from that day, how those starlit, bubblegum irises lit up with thriving ego at her victory.

She looked damn good wearing that ego of her's, mind you!

Right now his hands were busied with DMs from multiple angles. Some of her guesses were right, other scenarios were due to Penacony related business. After all, as one of the head promoters for his beloved Clockie series, it would be one of the few times responsibility would be drawn like a proud cloak. Underneath the scrutinizing gaze of Ms.March 7th, the Trailblazer found it pretty difficult to actually keep his focus constant. There was a lovable burn to her eyes that made him aware, that made the task of keeping his busied postured contained a herculean trial. Smiling, feeling as if it'd shatter the effort of prolonging this moment.

Too bad in that case. For March's abrupt declaration would ensure that his phone found itself released from his hands, lost to the bounce off of her thigh as it'd be consigned to couch cushions. Right now, those apt senses of Caelus's found themselves devoted to a sweet nirvana. For his lips would almost be compromised, led to a loving press of her's gracing his chin, so so close to the goal of his actual lips!

For a fleeting moment, he finds himself lost in the pleasant flora scents that always accompanied her, disarming his guard even further as comfort swept over him.

There was no helping it, he did very much laugh at hearing this kiss that gained increasing familiarity being noted by her. Reaching forward, one of those fingers of his softly prods at her forehead.

"You've really been loving that little idea, haven't you? Either as a certified kiss ninja or.. Maybe it looked that sweet?"

"If it's kisses on the other hand, I never knew the rule here was one at every stroke of midnight. That's the kinda stuff you need to tell me sooner." Caelus pointedly shoots back, this time propping up from the sanctity of that lovely lap pillow. Seeing how that cute face hadn't moved, this time he'd be the one making the most of current conditions. Craning his hand just a touch, trying, working to match that posture as recited in the haphazard scene itself, only for the Trailblazer's lips to collide with the clearly 'spoiled' Nameless.

Peace would sweep over him in lieu of devouring her soft frustrations. Firmness would be drawing sparks of pleasure pressure, the tender graze that works with him cupping March's cheek from the reverse perspective only added a loving energy to the moment. Inevitably, a hum of delight eases from Caelus as he momentarily loses himself in the experience of kissing her in earnest. The soft gasp, the dreamy sounding sigh, all from her, it only added to correct reasoning that spoiling her is always the right move.

...

She's just really in for it when he decides to sit up properly, he can't exactly kiss her breathless like this!

@ofhope

[lunaetis]

@puckish-rogue asked :

Gestures such as this may be considered quite surprising for a man of his caliber to do. I mean, is that really so wrong to think? Kinda comes with the territory of being a guy whose default expression is 'touch me and I'll fucking gut you'. But alas, even the Boss of the 3rd Street Saints has his softer moments. And of course a certain little raccoon would have most of that reserved solely for her. It starts off as a bit of stroking of her head, soon followed by his hand trailing down to her cheek. Even with hands as rough as his (he does try to keep them taken care of!), the Boss manages to keep his touch very soft. He feels just the slightest bit embarrassed over the fact he's even capable of being this tender, let alone with another person. Yet could he really blame himself? It's hard not to find Eden even the slightest bit endearing. There's so much to like about her. Guess it just goes to show that even some weird space raccoon can melt the heart of a big bad nasty crime man all the way on Earth.

unprompted. || always accepting

​─「エデン」─  the TRAILBLAZER had always been rather honest when she was demanding for attention, that was why her golden hues were kept upon the male when she was silently asking for a pet on the head as a wordless praise to a job well done. his hand was rough and calloused, but it felt gentle when those strong digits weaved themselves through her silvery-brown locks. if she had fluffy counterparts such as ears or tail, they would be folding back in acceptance of the tender touch. her head tilted up slightly, letting out a quiet PURR of contentment. she didn't know why, but there was something soothing about how soft he touched her as opposed to the way he would violently beat up his enemies with the very same hands.

                after all, she knew how strong he was, how many things he's capable of crushing with his bare hands alone, so the fact that he was being careful as he petted her head was making her heart pound. when his hand slowly traveled down her cheek, cupping it within his hold, she nuzzled towards his rough palm, amber optics mellowing softly.

                without a word, she scooted closer to his frame, before nuzzling her whole body into his arms by wedging herself right in his embrace and guiding his arms to wrap themselves around her. it appeared that just pets weren't enough for her. the trailblazer was craving for his warmth in a form of a cuddle. resting her head to his chest, she curled up into a ball right in his hold, making herself comfortable.

                " warm ... " happy raccoon pup is happy.

[wizkiddx]

supercluster

this is my entry for @hollandsrecs 'toms birthday fanfic fest' event - go check it out!!! I know its a early but im v bored so have it now. also im acc kinda really proud of this one, any feedback would be v appreciated 🤍

the prompt was: 'you and tom are best friends and you tell him that you love him on his birthday'

summary: its toms birthday but he has a few things to get off his chest and into the night sky, y/n joins in with a bit of a revelation too

best friends -> lovers

warnings: mentions of alcohol, bit angsty but promise ends all fluffy and a shit tonne of dialogue

wc: 3.5k ishhh

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Everything got a little too wild and stuffy in the living area, Haz and Harry screaming sweet caroline, whilst Greg (Tom’s stunt man) was pouring *another* round of shots. The sweatiness and clamminess of the room meant Y/n took a moment to escape, sliding out the double doors, and closing them softly behind her to ensure no one would notice her little escape. Something about the midnight air, the slightly dewy smell of the neighbouring fields, felt like it was refreshing Y/n from the inside out. When she turned around, back facing the fancy rented house, she was slightly shocked by Tom standing in the garden. It was his birthday party after all. In all honesty, Y/n felt a bit guilty she hadn’t noticed he wasn’t in the thick of it with his brothers and castmates.

His silhouette was set against the clear night sky, the stars extra prominent this evening and the moon casting a soft glow off the left side of his face, exaggerating the natural contours of his jawline and cheekbones. Clearly, he was enraptured by the sky, staring up at it with a thoughtful look on his face.

And Y/n recognised that look instantly; she knew what he was doing.

In fact, he had taught her to do precisely the same thing. As kids, the Hollands, Y/n’s family and another two families from the local area all went camping together. It was an annual event, ‘the Kingston collective camping adventure’ as Dom had named it. Y/n couldn’t remember a year when they hadn’t gone actually - it was that much of a tradition.

One year, though, when she and Tom were about 9, her mothers’ due date coincided with the camping dates. So, sensibly, the decision had been made that Y/n and her brother would just be looked after by the Hollands - whilst her mum and dad were safely tucked up in bed at home, awaiting the arrival of her littlest brother.

Y/n, her brother Alex, and Tom were all sharing a tent, and it must’ve been at least midnight that Tom was awoken by shuffling and zipping up of the tent. He’d realised she was gone through sleepy eyes and, without a second thought, went to go find her. Sure enough, she wasn’t far away, not even 50 metres from the tent, crouched on the grass. Immediately Tom’s presence had been noticed, making Y/m quickly snivel and wipe her face.

“Are you upset?”

“Go away Tom.” The comment didn’t do a lot, though; instead, 9-year-old Tom had planted himself down next to her - his pyjamas getting wet on the moist grass floor.

“Are you missing Auntie Sarah and Uncle Mike?” In the same way that Y/n called Nikki and Dom auntie and uncle, the Holland boys mirrored the nicknames for her parents. Y/n replied with a long sigh before hiccuping, failing to control the stream of tears. Yes, he was right - this was her first night away from her parents- but she wasn't about to spill her heart out to the 'stupid boy' who had stolen one of her marshmallows that evening. Tom’s little brown eyes swelled, looking slightly terrified and out of his depth, whilst with all his 9 years of wisdom, trying to come up with an answer.

“Do you want to play football to forget about it?”

Unsurprisingly Y/n shook her head violently. Tom cursed inwardly at himself for saying the wrong thing, apparently football wasn't the answer to everything. The two children went back to silence until Tom had the metaphorical light bulb moment. “My mum told me something for when I got to sleepovers? Look!” He grabbed Y/n’s little hand, extending it upwards towards the night sky.

“No matter where you are, you’re all looking at the same stars too, right?”

Tom jumped a little before looking over his shoulder and recognising Y/n with the softest smile that grew across his face. Y/n slowly walked to his side, arms crossed over her chest to try and keep the cold at bay, joining Tom in staring up at the starry expanse.

“How do you always know?” Tom spoke in a breathy chuckle, shaking his head slightly. It was true, she did always know - but his question was somewhat irrelevant. They'd spent most their childhood together, they were as easy to read as a children’s book to each other.

“Missing home?”

“Sort of, I got my own slice of home with the boys and-and you but… pads, mum dad yeh, feel like on your birthday your always supposed to see your family.”

Although Harry, Harrison, Sam and Y/n had managed to fly out to surprise Tom on his birthday- prior commitments meant his parents and youngest brother hadn’t been able to make it. They four arrived yesterday, greeted by a very shocked and pretty emotional Tom - who had clearly been missing the sense of home somewhat. He’d been away shooting a film, then straight away launching into press for the next spiderman movie. It had been a long while since he’d been in London - half a year in fact.

This time too, he’d been away without a single family member or friend - that was another truth he’d learnt about growing up. Your friends and family, they all get lives of their own. Tom used to be a trailblazer, the first to get a job, the one everyone was super proud of. They still were, of course, but didn’t dote on him in quite the same way - everyone had their own shit to deal with. It was yet another reason Tom wasn’t welcoming his birthday as much as he usually would.

“Your parents did always spoil you rotten.”

“They spoilt you worst and you’re not technically their kid.” Y/n rolled her eyes, even if it might slightly true - muttering a ‘touche’ at the brown-haired boy next to her. Their families had always been close; naturally the adults seemed to gravitate more to the kids that weren’t their own. The ones who you could ‘give back’ at the end of the day. It just so happened Nikki and Dom had always loved having Y/n around, maybe a bit more than anyone else.

“Have you had a good birthday then? You should be in there with Greg pouring that shitty vodka down your throat.” Y/n questioned, whilst shrugging back toward the house, the dull thump of Jacob's playlist just audible. Still, both stared upwards, standing close enough that their upper arms were both pressed up against each other. She expected a jovial answer, but even from his tone, it was evident there was something up. He sounded…weary?

“I’m bloody glad you all came...don’t get me wrong, I love Z and Jacob and everyone but….”

“Shitty week?”

“Shitty birthday week of promo and press.” Tom scathed, and Y/n nodded. Even if she couldn’t understand what was so bad about press, she knew that Tom hated it passionately. And in the same way, he loved all his castmates dearly, but they hadn’t known him his whole life. They didn’t understand why he did every little thing; their values lay just that bit apart. It just wasn’t the same as being surrounded with his family - you and Harrison adopted Hollands too.

“I just feel like I’ve spent all week trapped in a room answering the most stupid, irrelevant and inconsequential questions... Everything’s just so surface level and fake and, and I-“He cut himself off, for the first time meeting Y/n’s eyes. In all honesty, Tom got a bit caught up in the stars reflecting off her piercing y/e/c eyes before changing tack.

“Will you do me a favour?”

This wasn’t spoken with the normal Tom tone. It wasn’t joking or jovial; it wasn’t an ‘off the tongue’ thing. This was spoken with such seriousness and gravitas coming from his deep voice that Y/n replied equally truthfully.

“Always T, you know that.”

“Will you please ask me a personal and serious and deep question?”

She got where he was coming from too.

Clearly, even though the evening was supposed to be a light piss up in celebration, it had instead unearthed some darker thoughts that Tom had been harbouring away. Perhaps he never even realised he needed such seriousness, or perhaps with his castmates he hadn’t felt comfortable exposing himself like that. Either way, Y/n was going to respect him now. It was technically his birthday, too; the clocks had already struck 12 - it was now his day.

It wasn’t tricky to think of one; she’d often wondered the same question of him - never with the opportunity to ask. The question popped into her head again, almost as soon as Tom asked for one.

“Okay…. What’s your deepest regret that makes you feel guilty for feeling because in the grand scheme of things, it minor? Like such a 'first world problem'." What do you regret that’s just completely selfish?”

Tom immediately stiffened, his jaw tensing as he worked through his thoughts in his head. Scared she’d pushed it too far, Y/n averted her gaze back to the sky, chewing her bottom lip slightly. It took a moment, but then she saw Tom turn towards her, in the peripheries of her vision. With a tightly closed-lip smirk on his face he joked “If your gonna ask questions like that, we better sit down.”

And so they did, both sitting crossed legged on the ground, knees brushing against each other. Just on the grass lawn, almost mirroring themselves all those years ago as kids in that camping site. Y/n wondered if she should offer to play football instead - to cheer him up.

“Missing out. I miss out months at a time. Miss out on seeing mum and dad, miss out on the pub quizzes with the boys, miss out seeing you… I mean, I didn’t even know you had a new job until you mentioned it this morning. I miss out on time with nana Tess and all my grandparents, and that’s scary cos… well, every time I go, it could be the last time… I don’t know, I just… I get so much, get to travel, to see the world, but… sometimes it feels like I’m sacrificing the foundations. And without the foundations….”

“The walls come crumbling down.” Y/n finished off his sentence quietly, barely whispering the words - but from Tom’s nod of agreement, it seemed like she’d hit the nail on the head. There was silence for a beat till Y/n whispered to him.

“Well, happy birthday to you” Trying to bring the mood up a little, she bumped his shoulder, and Tom chuckled breathily.

“Seriously! This is helping me out. I-I just need to get everything out and start my 25th year fresh.”

“Hey, if that’s all you want, I’m getting a refund on my present- we can just get deep and interview each other.”

“I’m game, except I’m keeping the present too.”

“Just because it’s your birthday and I’m a bit tipsy, I’ll allow it.”

“Okay, well then, Y/n L/n”, He spoke formally, leaning in closer and making her giggle a little. “What’s your biggest regret?”

“Honestly?” Tom just repeated her in reply, but this time it was a statement.

"Honestly."

He really was going deep too. No holding back now. Y/n sucked on her cheek before replying. “Not travelling with you when we were 19… I was just so determined to get to uni and start grown-up life, but… well, grown-up life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I should’ve tried to stay a kid longer, messing about on your film sets and pretending it was work. I think I would’ve learnt more from seeing the world with you.”

“Well, I am very knowledgable.”

“Shut up, you drop out- who didn't know what a drag race was.” She wasn’t wrong, and whilst yes, he had dropped out to be a film star - he was still a dropout. (with exceptionally poor knowledge of RuPaul) He scowled, then leaning back on his hands, so he was half reclined on the grass as Y/n thought of her next question.

“Whats your biggest worry?”

“Easy.” He chuffed, making Y/n furrow her brows at him. Clearly, he’d already thought of this. “That I finally settle down with the love of my life, and then the fans or press or paps ruin it.”

It made sense; every time Tom had gone public with a relationship, it had ended in a minor car crash. Typically it was also the girl who got hurt; she was the ‘victim’ in everything. Though Y/n had seen first hand the effect it had had on Tom - he never made it out damage-free.

“You make it sound like you’ve already got this dream girl queued and waiting.”

“I wish”, Tom sighed, as Y/n took the opportunity to completely lie down on the grass, staring up at the dark abyss. She’d always loved the stars and had become a bit of a geek on them as they’d grown up too- and maybe it was all down to Tom on that camping trip. Following suit, Tom copied her, his head resting on his hands that were crossed behind his head, taking in the moment of pure peace as they lay on the grass.

“You see that bright one there?” Pointing up, Y/n shimmied closer to him so that he definitely saw the same thing as her. “It’s actually not one. Look closer.” Humming, Tom shifted a bit closer, so her shoulder slotted under the side of his body just the teeniest bit. It meant he could follow her direction and squinted up at the little patch of the sky.

“ 5…maybe 6? What is it?”

“The pliedes supercluster…. basically a big group of stars that all were born from the same place- the same stellar nursery.”

“But they’re moving now?” She hummed in confirmation to his question, briefly glancing at the way his eyes were fixed on the sky. For the first time he seemed genuinely interested in hearing her stories of the stars. It usually was an eye roll and ‘you’re so lame’.

“They’re called the sibling stars… like everything in life, as they get older they drift apart but…. but to us down here? They’ll always be associated together because they have a gravitational effect on each other. They’ll always have their thing tying them together. Like an invisible string.”

“Sounds like you’re being metaphorical.” Tom chuckled, expecting a taunt back but receiving nothing except a gentle agreement.

“Theres also actually 7. The last one people can only sometimes see… it’s a pulsing star, so comes and goes.”

“They do that?”

“Yeh, and no matter what… if you can see it or not, it’s always there. Always having an impact on its family.”

Biting his lower lip slightly, Tom repositioned his head slightly, Y/n’s words taking time to be fully absorbed. He was sure she was making parallels to him. Barely there, appearing and disappearing, but always a part of the family.

“You are being metaphorical.”

“Maybe.” She whispered shortly. “Metaphors depend on who’s listening and if they draw parallels to their own life. It’s subjective. You can’t tell anyone what is and isn’t metaphor…. it takes the beauty out of it.”

“Right, sure... But if you were…. me, harry, Sam, pads, you, Haz, Tuwaine? That the 7?” Y/n held back the little smile at his words. Tom wasn’t as ‘head in the clouds’ as she was- he was literal. Also, he was bloody stubborn when he wanted to be.

“I wasn’t being metaphorical T.” He knew she was lying. She knew that he knew. But it still helped him, made him feel a bit better. That he was always, in some way, having some effect... lives always intertwined with the people he cared about the most.

“Tell me another story about another star.”

Time for the rest of the night kind of got lost. The two young adults just lay on the grass, entirely in their own little world, using each others body heat to keep themselves warm through the early hours. Neither felt remotely tired, Y/n whispering her little stories of both the myths and science of the old stars, pointing out each planet. Meanwhile, Tom listened in awe, for once not taking the mick out of her incredibly geeky hobby. Instead, he found himself getting fascinated by all the little intricacies Y/n was so passionate about.

It was only when the stars began to fade, as orangey-red hue started to seep up from the horizon the either noticed the time. It was now the morning of the next day, the house long since had turned silent behind them - presumably, everyone finally passing out shit faced.

As the stars’ light was overtaken by the rising sun, Y/n ran out of stories; the two settled into silence - neither quite ready to go to bed yet.

“It’s still my turn,” Tom spoke into the sky before pivoting his head to look Y/n in the eye, seeing the confusion in her furrowed brows. “It’s my question to ask. My turn.”

“Aren’t you sick of my voice yet?” There was absolutely no reason that they were both whispering. It wasn’t like anyone was trying to listen or that they’d disturb anyone else my talking normally. But it was nicer that way. It felt calming... intimate even.

“One more. And then you get one more… and then we really should probably go to bed.” He didn’t want the night to end; he was immensely enjoying this weird grey time between being 25 and 26. But it was cold, Tom could tell Y/n had started to feel it a little more. To be fair, she was only in a floral day dress, not much in the way of warmth. With a hum of agreement, Y/n smiled lightly at him, urging his question.

“Whats the biggest secret you’ve kept from me?”

With a bit of a scoff, Y/n sighed and closed her eyes, trying to draw some strength she wasn’t sure she had. It wasn’t like she needed to wrack her brains to come up with it - she knew instantly. Almost painfully too.

“Uhm, honestly?” Now even more intrigued, Tom nodded, using his foot for nudge hers - encouraging her to speak. “Probably how much you mean to me.”

“Oh” He couldn’t help it; the sound just slipped out his mouth without checking with his brain first. That answer had just been so unexpected. He had honestly been thinking that it would be something about how ‘fame had changed him’. After hearing that, Y/n turned her head up the sky again, feeling like her cheeks were on fire with embarrassed heat. Tom knew he had fucked up.

“No, I… I didn’t mean- just just ask me too.” With a sigh, Y/n waved off his stumbled answer as he tried to cover himself.

“This is stup-“

“Ask me!” For the first time in 5 hours, Tom spoke at an normal volume - but it felt painfully loud, like a shout.

“What’s the biggest secret you kept from me?” Her tone was defeated, but nevertheless, he answered.

“How upset I was when you didn’t come when we were 19. I got why, but it was still annoying. Felt like you were picking uni friends over me-“ At this point on any other evening, Y/n would have interjected and argued. None of this situation was normal, though, so she chose to hear him out. “- I know it’s stupid, but…. I guess that’s how much you meant an-and still mean to me too.”

There was silence for a couple minutes, waiting whilst the sun started to peep over the horizon, the lone witness to an otherwise very private conversation. That was until Y/n barely spoke, more like mouthed 2 simple words.

“I lied.” The intensity of the way Tom stared at her made Y/n wish that the sun hadn’t been so bright, that they were back in the darkness that hid her face more. “Biggest lie I’ve told you … that I’m not in love with you.”

Y/n didn’t see because she couldn’t face looking at him, but Tom’s face erupted into the most prominent, toothiest smile. Whilst Tom was enjoying the moment of being absolutely ecstatic, Y/n was waiting for a response- feeling her world come crashing in. That she'd just destroyed one of the most important friendships in her life too.

But then he said the opposite of what she thought he would.

“I lied too.”

That had her attention, whipping her head toward him as Tom rolled onto his side on the lawn, balancing with his head resting on one hand. “I lied that I’ve not been completely under your spell since we were kids at that campsite, and you were homesick.”

Y/n’s heart was literally in her mouth, brain overwhelmed but one overriding thought oh so bloody clear.

She’d lost control of everything, arching up to mirror Tom. Using one hand, she reached out to cup Tom’s jaw, to which he instinctively leant toward - until their lips were mere centimetres apart, hot breath fanning over each other.

Y/n no control as she whispered those 3 words against his lips. No control at how immediately after he pressed his to hers; no control as Tom guided her to roll on top of him, knees either side of his torso as his strong arms wrapped around her back.

Once again, time was lost between the two, only pulling apart when their lungs burned for oxygen.

“For the record, I love you too.” Grinning from ear to ear, Tom used one hand to gently stroke his thumb across her cheek, switching his focus from her left to right eye - in wonder at how the early morning sun reflected from her y/e/c irises. He’d always thought she was beyond beautiful, but when she was this close to him, with the sun rising behind her in such a way - she looked damn ethereal.

“Happy birthday T.” Nodding in agreement, Tom chuckled before finding her lips once again, whispering against them.

“Yeh, happy damn birthday to me.”

~~~~let me know what you think ;) ~~~~~

tagging: @hallecarey1 @hollandfanficlove @crossyourpeter

[angstymarshmallow]

My Little Trailblazer - Kaitlyn x MC Fanfic

[A little note: A cool bean I know requested a part 2 of A Kindled Flame and if you haven’t already you should head on over here to read before reading this. This is supposed to take place the same night that Kaitlyn came home in tears after realizing she was flunking her spring semester. I was always going back to write another kaitlyn x mc fanfic but I just didn’t know if it’d be as well received like the last time because of my clear ineptitude to romance. I’m sorry it’s so long. Here’s to a happy end of the spring semester for this adorable ship. Woo boy; in any case this fanfic is for you and for all the kaitlyn x mc shippers out there!]

[Summary: Studying isn’t helping MC to forget and neither is pretending that the break up didn’t happen. When Kaitlyn comes home - with fresh tears and a plea for forgiveness, MC realizes how much her little trailblazer meant to her. No matter how much distance she’d given her; it didn’t make loving her any less - possible. ]

I don’t want to miss her anymore. 

If I couldn’t deny that I did, at least I could wish I didn’t. At least I could wish fervently that things could change - that the longing inside my heart would one day cease. It was some sort of downward spiral; that was the only thing I could think of it as. A flame I was still drawn to but now that it had burned me so deeply; could I ever begin to pick up the pieces she left behind? A trailblazer in her own right that had taken so much of me with her when she left. 

I couldn’t extinguish what I felt for her. The flame wavered from time to time but it was still there. Weeks later and it was nowhere near dying out the way it should. I thought distance would have allowed it to flicker and die out. Instead, it remained nestled inside my heart. She brought me the sun and without her all I had left was this blistering cold and emptiness. She left me distant reminders of her sunshine.

I kept pushing myself to write, to study – distractions from missing her. Except the second I let my guard down, my thoughts wandered. They would drift and remember how many nights she spent snuggled inside my arms, how many afternoons we spent doubled over laughing at nearly being caught together in dressing rooms, and when I gave into the temptation to scroll through old photos of us – all of it reminded me of how much I missed her.

They were wrong. Out of sight, hadn’t meant she was out of mind.

I left early.

She came home late.

It was our cycle.

My eyes would linger a little longer than necessary by her room, hoping to catch any sign of her while the other part of me couldn’t fathom what to do if I did. I imagined her concert as some sort of nightmare; she never said those words to me. The words that had pierced my heart. I would imagine she was inside my room instead, waiting for me to come home. But as soon as I stepped inside our dorm, that wistful thinking shattered. 

Maybe it would have made everything worse between us. Or maybe she was hurting as much as I was; maybe all I had to do was to reach out to her, to stop the feelings of isolation we were feeling from turning into barriers. I loved her, I never stopped loving her.

Why is this so hard? Why does loving someone have to hurt so much? I was angry, hurt - but most of all I was lonely. I wish someone had an answer for me, some response that would put everything back into perspective because living without Kaitlyn was like not having enough air to breathe.

The only people I could look to for guidance didn’t understand what I was going through. They weren’t in my circumstances. Abbie and Tyler were always solid; I haven’t even seen them have a real argument before. Zack and Brandon were perfect; and even with all the distance between them – they somehow managed to make it work.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and I were an utter mess.

“What’s lithium oxide’s ionic compound and when does it result in a solid compound with a high melting point?”

The question startled me. “Hmm?” I muttered absently before bringing my attention from the outside of my thoughts. I blinked rapidly, taking in my surroundings until I realized for the fourth time today that I had forgotten where I was.

Zack flicked a small piece of paper at me, “C’mon Naomi, focus here. We’re nearly through Chemistry.”

Shrugging sheepishly, I stared at my untouched bagel and muttered a stiff apology.

Right. We were supposed to be studying.  I couldn’t remember how long I had been sitting here, lost inside my own thoughts but the nonsensical scribbles at the bottom of my page probably meant that I hadn’t been paying attention for awhile.

The four of us sat cross-legged inside the living room. Notes and textbooks were scattered all around us, and were turning into unorganized stacks that were piling up with each subject we tackled. Zack was currently writing something down while Tyler and Abbie exchanged worried glances before looking back at me.

Life around me seemed to move on despite my own inner turmoil. Finals were nearly here and most nights were spent studying with the rest of my suitemates, except for the quiet moments when I wanted to be alone. It was slowly turning into one of those moments. 

We were supposed to be studying Chemistry when my mind had wandered again. I thought this would have been the distraction I needed, but it hadn’t made a difference. I couldn’t find my focus. Weeks had passed by, and yet I felt just as lost as I had been that night.

I hid my scribbled notes under the crook of my arm and apologized again. I forced a smile, “I know you’re just trying to help me get in the zone, and I appreciate it.” I took a deep breath. I knew they felt the but coming even before I said it. “But maybe I should study alone.” Maybe I need to be alone. I added silently. I handed Abbie the rest of my highlighters before standing.

“Or maybe you should just stay and listen.” Zack’s voice was laced concern, “You don’t have to participate you just –” He lowered his voice, “shouldn’t be alone.”

His words hurt. But they weren’t wrong. I used to relish being alone; I used to enjoy the silence because being alone used to be familiar before them - before Kaitlyn. I just needed to find a way to feel comfortable with the idea again. Though some part of me was touched by their worry, the rest of me felt guilty that I was slowing them down. “It’s fine really. I’m fine.” The words felt off, and so does the small smile I gave them. If studying wasn’t going to give me the break I needed – then nothing was going to work. Better to just get back to it when I felt a little less likely to fall apart.

I grabbed my textbooks, “Some alone time will do me some good.”

Another round of worried glances. “Really, I’m fine.” I insisted again, feeling a little irritated by their concern. I was used to being the person that held us altogether. I was used to poking my head into other people’s lives but not the other way around. Their worry unsettled me, I wasn’t doing that badly…was I?

I took another deep breath to try and settle my nerves. My grip tightened on the books inside my arms. “Thanks for worrying about me, but I guess what I really need is some time.” I just want to forget – but then I don’t want to forget. “And maybe that means being alone for awhile.”

Zack was the first one to say anything. The rest of them were still looking at me with the strange entanglement of worry even though they pretended not to; with forced smiles on their faces. They didn’t seem as if they were inclined to stop me if I suddenly bolted. “We get it.” Zack softly said.

“Thanks.” I turned on my heels with the intention of tossing my books through the window being the likely scenario before I heard the turn of the front door. Automatically my eyes flew up in question towards the noise and the string of cursing that accompanied it.

I froze. She wasn’t supposed to be home yet.

I sucked in a deep breath as my eyes found hers – and held.

I couldn’t move. I felt stuck, like somehow seeing her only reminded me painfully how much I missed her. The books fell out of my grasp and I couldn’t tear myself away to stop them from falling before they clattered on the floor.

She had been crying. Even though she tried to hide it with soft makeup, I could still tell. All the playfulness that I was accustomed to seeing was missing and her eyes were tinged with regret and a pinch of tiredness. Her expression was so desolate, so painfully sad that it made my heart hurt - I had to touch my chest to make sure my heart was still there.

I couldn’t look away; my eyes drank in every detail of her. Her hair was different, all side-swept together into a messy ponytail with streaks we dyed what felt like a lifetime ago. Her hands shook as she stepped inside. All of my instincts were telling me to go to her, to say something extremely lame in an attempt to break the uneasy silence that fell once we saw her. I wanted to wipe that expression off her face so badly. But then I remembered; she wasn’t mine anymore.

Right. Distance. I hugged myself instead, and waited like the rest of our suitemates for her to speak.

Her eyes looked defeated, and sadness clung to her every move. Her feet shuffled and she dropped her belongings before she choked out a sob.

“Kaitlyn…?” I trailed off, uncertainly. It had been awhile since I said her name out-loud. It came out like a breathy sigh.

When her eyes caught mine again – it seemed to have broke it. Whatever thing that had poisoned us. Suddenly she was rushing, practically sailing across the room until she could throw her arms around me. “I’m sorry!” She choked out.

I didn’t have time to think, my body which had become so accustomed to her automatically shifted until I could press my lips to her neck. She didn’t stop me and I inhaled her familiar scent, trying to comfort myself with the fact that she was really here. I couldn’t speak not yet, I didn’t want to break this. I wanted to keep her here. I ran my hands over her back trying to soother the gentle cries that came from her.

The clear of someone’s throat made her pull back long enough to explain. “I know I’ve been kind of a jerk lately,” She gave a half-smile that didn’t reach her eyes and took another large step back enough for me to remember how to breathe. Her words were for everyone but her eyes never left mine. “And I’m so sorry for pushing you all away – I just thought I had everything figured out and. And.” Her breath hitched.

“Slow down.” My voice was soft, barely a whisper. I kept my hands by my side even though they were itching to wipe her tears away. Even though they were itching to touch her again. “What’s wrong?”

“Honestly, what isn’t wrong?” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “I’m pretty sure I won’t make it through finals.” She collapsed inside our sofa and buried her face inside her hands. “All of the skipped classes…all the missed assignments…They’ve finally caught up to me.” When she glanced back up at us again, at me - she handed me a half-open letter. “It’s from Harfeld.”

The rest of our friends pooled around me and peeked over my shoulder to see the letter. My hands shook a little as I opened it. I read it quickly, and blinked rapidly at the words; not believing with my own eyes the words that were so clearly written. Crap, she was failing everything. “Kaitlyn, didn’t you check your emails?” I asked glancing down at her. “Usually schools give some kind of notice….”

 “Yes.” She bit her lip as her face fell again. “Okay no,” She sighs in frustration, “It’s been awhile I guess.” Her eyes searched the room but like an invisible force between us; they kept landing back to mine. “I know I have no right to ask you guys –”

“You don’t even have to ask.” Abbie interrupted, “We’re here for you.” She waited a beat before glancing at the rest of us for affirmation. “Right guys?” 

One by one we all nodded. Then nodded a second time, more fiercely. “No one goes to sleep tonight!” Zack cheered. We were going to be an unstoppable force until Kaitlyn’s finals were finished.

“Chris says he’ll be here soon too, so it’s a group effort.” I mumbled glancing at my phone. He sent his text not too long ago, but I had been too preoccupied at the time to give it much thought.

Kaitlyn’s lips trembled before she uttered a small sigh. It sounded like a sigh of relief. “Thanks guys,” She bit her lip, “…I don’t even know if I deserve this.” She wasn’t looking at any of us anymore.

“We can talk about that later.” I interrupt with a thin smile I didn’t feel as her eyes followed the sound of my voice. “Right now, we have work to do.”

I wasn’t imagining the tension in the room as we all sat together on the floor. And much to my surprise - Kaitlyn sat beside me; with only two feet separating us once we started. I couldn’t deny the rush I felt with her being so close even as I tried to ensure there was enough between us for me to remain clear-headed.

I didn’t say anything at first. Abbie lead us through the first subject – Shakespeare’s Hamlet and before long we began reviewing all of Hartfeld’s materials – subject by subject. At first, I only peeked at her from the corner of my eyes every now and then as everyone else tried their hardest to get the subjects to stick. Gratefully, no one mentioned how stiff I was. Eventually, I couldn’t hold onto it any longer. The anger. The pain. I had to force it back so that I could help. Wasn’t this what I wanted anyway? To see Kaitlyn reunited with us…but more than that I wanted her here, for me. 

Tension began to dissolve as I joined in, adding my own helpful hints as we tackled each subject tirelessly. It was a team effort - all of us here tonight, working together the way we used to before all the drama started. 

Every now and then my eyes strayed to her. Her familiar smile, the look of surprise that gradually transitioned into sudden joy when something stuck and the indecisive looks she sent in my direction when she thought I wasn’t looking. I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t resist. It was torture, being so close but never being close enough. “Can we take a break?” I asked abruptly, some time later.

It was close to two in the morning. We all could use a break.

Abbie and Tyler yawned before agreeing meanwhile Chris and Zack hesitated as they waited for Kaitlyn’s response.

“Yeah, sure. This would be a good time for snacks anyway.” She said finally.

A minute passed between all of us before the rest of our suitemates suddenly began making up excuses; Zack ventured for a coffee run, Tyler and Abbie disappeared into their room - something about grabbing a couple fresh highlighters and Chris excused himself to the kitchen.

I knew they were all doing it for my benefit, even if they weren’t subtle about it. We sat in silence - me nibbling on my bottom lip and Kaitlyn hunched over her notebook before I glanced up at her.

Her eyes met mine at the same time, and it felt as if my heart was splitting in two. God, she was beautiful. I looked away, suddenly finding it hard to look at her. Hard to even breathe. I need a break.

I stood, stretching my stiff joints before tucking my binder once again under my arm. “I’ll be in my room.” I mumbled. I didn’t get far. Before I could take another step, I felt her hand encircle my wrist.

The simple touch sent a jolt, a spark inside my veins. Even the slightest touch caused a reaction. No, I hadn’t missed her any less. I inhaled sharply and pressed my eyes closed for a moment. I waited until the initial feeling faded long enough for me to turn to her with uncertain eyes. “Yeah, Kaitlyn?” I waited expectantly.

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. 

I watched the indecision flicker inside her eyes. Then the fear before she looked away.

What’s she thinking? What’s she so afraid of? I would give anything to know.

Finally, I decided to put her out of her misery and broke the silence between us. “My room?” I inquired softly.

She nodded before slowly rising. She didn’t release my hand as we walked cross the hall, past the kitchen, and past the other rooms. She was the one leading me to my room with all the clinging familiarity a lover should.

I closed the door behind us once we got inside.

She plopped herself on my bed. She hugged her knees and an awkward, almost uncomfortable quietness filled the room.

I kept a safe distance away. I didn’t trust myself to be any closer. I pressed my back firmly against the door as I waited for her to speak.

She didn’t say anything. Not at first. I could almost see the wheels turning inside her head when I glanced back to her.  She looked around my room, “Everything’s the same.” She said it as if she couldn’t believe it.

Everything but us. I nodded once, wanting to get whatever this was over with. I know what my heart wanted, what it needed to hear – but did she know what she wanted?

“I’m sorry.”

Did she - 

My thoughts sputtered at the sound of her voice and my eyes swept back to hers questioningly.

Her voice faltered. “I’m so sorry. What happened between us at the night of my concert….” Her eyes looked up at me, desperate and afraid. “It was really because of me, not because of you.  Because I didn’t know how good I had it, how good it was with you.” She shuddered a deep breath. “I tried to push you away because I thought you were holding me back, when all this time you’re the reason why I could always keep it together.”

My heart lifted at the sound of her words. My hands shook as I moved from the door. Was this really happening? Were all my quiet pleas that I sent to the universe finally being answered?

“Do you think….” Her bottom lip trembled, “Do you think you could ever forgive me?”

Yes. 

The word was on my lips, like a desperation clawing to get out but I couldn’t do it. Not yet. The only thing I had ever wanted to be was hers. But knowing that I wanted to be hers had always meant embracing her unpredictability, embracing all the inexplicable joys our adventures brought us. Embracing the parts of her that even I wasn’t sure I could always quite understand.

I crossed the room to pull out my bracelet, my favorite bracelet. The only thing that had brought me constant luck inside my life, constant happiness. It never let me down the way people often did.

I sat beside her on the bed. Our arms were nearly touching as I showed it to her. “This is my charm bracelet – it brings me luck no matter what.” I touched the familiar insignias – the ice cream cone, the charm that had helped me through my English ap exam and eventually I brought her attention to the K. That was the most important one.

“What’s that one for?” Her voice was barely over a whisper as she pointed at it.

“It’s K for Kaitlyn.” A small smile touched my lips. “You’re the first friend I met in Hartfeld. And the first person I’ve ever fallen in love with,” I continued softly as my eyes searched hers, “And you’re the first person that means more to me than anyone else. Than anything else.” My voice hitched at the end. “Fighting with you hasn’t changed how I felt and there’s been a lot of times where I’ve glanced at it – touched it because of how much I missed you. How much I missed staring into your eyes, like I am right now - looking at you, really looking at you and waiting for your wonderful smile. It kept me going when I didn’t think anything else could.”

Her breath came out in a series of little gasps, and her eyes swam with tears. I could feel my own eyes, prickling at the sight, my own heart feeling as if it was sprinting out of my chest. “I love you so much. And I never meant to hurt you.” She whispered. I watched as her hand hesitantly reached up to brush my lips.

I couldn’t resist tasting her, and with our quiet admission of how much we loved each other I didn’t want to wait anymore. I closed the distance between us slowly, never breaking eye contact before I captured her lips. I could feel her soft sigh of elation, and her shoulders sagged with relief as I took time exploring her mouth.

I kissed her the way I’ve been dreaming about for the last few weeks – with an almost desperate edge as my tongue went past the barrier of her lips. And she kissed me back, kissed me with such urgency like she was afraid this was all a dream. I kept kissing her to remind her it isn’t. She’s real, I’m real and this was all real. My hands began to roam, relishing in finally having her inside my arms again, until I was leaning into her – pressing her firmly into my cotton sheets. Our lips found each other like a forgotten love that had finally been given the chance to rekindle. And the flame that had once resided inside my heart burned brightly before spreading to the rest of me. I felt it’s heat in every touch.

Eventually, I pulled away; feeling breathless. My body felt on fire with need, but my brain was the smarter part of me. The part of me that knew what she needed more than that right now. “I would love to continue this but as your girlfriend it’s my responsible to make sure you pass with flying colours.” I propped up one elbow as my other hand fastened my bracelet onto her wrist.

She pouted playfully before placing a kiss on my nose. “Fine – but I intend to finish what you started later.” She pulled me down again for one last lingering kiss. “I love you.” She muttered softly.

I leaned my forehead against hers. “I love you too Kaitlyn. My little trailblazer.”

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