#and then he'll be like everything is socially constructed so why does it matter how people perceive you?

[despite-everything]

hooooo boy outta nowhere my dad decided at lunch today to ask me about what exactly gender identity is. wow. not a conversation i was expecting to have today

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Ava

Nancy: okay, so now the Seychelles makes even more sense... Nancy: you could've told me, you know Ava: ? Ava: Expand, please Nancy: I'm just saying, like, whatever relationship drama you were going through at the time Ava: I wasn't in a relationship when we were in the Seychelles though Nancy: exactly Nancy: so I'm glad you sorted it out with whoever you were obviously missing Ava: Well, thanks Ava: it wasn't as simple as that though really Ava: isn't, whatever Nancy: it rarely is Nancy: do you want to talk about it now, it's not suddenly too late or anything Ava: Yeah, okay Ava: now's as good a time as any for me Ava: if you've got the time Nancy: I do Ava: Alright Ava: so it's not a straightforward, conventional kind of deal Ava: there's multiple factors that make it, hmm Ava: not problematic for me but problematic in being open about it, telling certain people especially Nancy: I'm listening & trying not to be a judgey bitch Nancy: how unconventional are we talking about? Ava: He's not in prison or in a cult or anything before you get carried away with possibilities Nancy: That's a good start, he's not a teacher either is he, because you know, for obvious reasons I can't support that Ava: As if Ava: If you saw my teachers, you wouldn't ask that Nancy: I will have, they can't all have retired or died since I was there Ava: Do you remember Buster was friends with a boy called James? Nancy: Yeah Nancy: he has a brother your age-ish, right? is that who you're dating? Ava: No Nancy: What about James then? Nancy: Why do I need to remember him? Ava: Nancy Ava: come on Nancy: No, you come on, that's not funny, Av Ava: I'm not joking Ava: that would be such a strange angle to take Nancy: he's married to...he's married Ava: They're getting a divorce Ava: it isn't out there yet but it's happening Nancy: because of you!? Oh my god Ava: No, not because of me Ava: their relationship was a mess, she's awful Nancy: No shit, Ava! Nancy: why would you do this? how could you even, like...I know Chelsea is cliquey but Jesus Christ, where would you even find him? Ava: At King's open day Ava: I did some summer courses, he was there too Nancy: does she know about you? Ava: She's gone Ava: to her parent's villa or something Nancy: okay, good Nancy: she can't find out Ava: Well she's going to Nancy: No Ava: Um, yeah Ava: I highly doubt she's deleting her socials any time soon Nancy: you need to be serious Ava: I am Ava: you mean I need to be scared of her Ava: I'm not and I'm not going to be Nancy: I don't know what you expect me to say Ava: Then don't say anything Ava: you asked Nancy: I can't just Ava: I'm already planning to tell mum and dad today so you don't need to do anything Nancy: I want to do something though Ava: Are you really going to tell them before I get a chance? Ava: Tell Buster as well if you fancy it then Nancy: That's not what I mean, I want to help you Nancy: it's going to be so bad when she finds out Nancy: Forget mum & dad for a second, forget Buster Ava: No it won't Ava: what's she gonna do Ava: it's her marriage over, her kids she doesn't wanna see Ava: she's got bigger issues Nancy: she made my life hell every day for 5 years & I didn't even do anything to her, she's clearly got issues Ava: Yeah well that's not gonna happen to me Ava: she's made James' life hell for 6 years Nancy: how many kids do they have? Ava: Two Ava: the one she had back then and a baby, about a year Nancy: a year... Nancy: she's not just going away then, is she? Ava: Yeah, she must've been trying to have a fixer baby Ava: it had fallen apart before then Nancy: Gross, I can't think about that Ava: Now who's not being serious Nancy: I'm serious, I can't Ava: Who's asking you to Ava: just drop it Nancy: okay Nancy: I just mean, his life, I can't imagine what's happened and what it must have been like for all those years Ava: You can't Ava: no one can Nancy: you said you met him at that open day, it hasn't been that long, can you? Ava: I didn't say I could Nancy: I'm just trying to process this Nancy: how serious you two are Ava: It's not really a situation to dip into casually Ava: not fun from my perspective or fair on his side Nancy: Obviously not Ava: There you go then Nancy: I'm doing my best here Nancy: to me, James, how I remember him, it's weird Ava: That's nearly a decade ago though Ava: of course he's changed Nancy: yeah, we all have Ava: Exactly Nancy: except her by the sounds of it, unless it's for worse Ava: I think so Ava: she's actually ill, I think Ava: but what can you do? you can't force someone to get better Nancy: how long has she been gone? Ava: Only a couple of weeks Ava: but she didn't tell James she was going, and hasn't been in contact at all since Ava: just with her parents when they threaten to fly out, basically Nancy: she didn't take the kids with her? Ava: Nope Ava: she's said she doesn't love them, didn't want them Ava: and I've not heard or seen anything to the contrary Nancy: Wow Ava: I know Nancy: Like, I know she was young when she had the first one but she wasn't that young Nancy: she had choices, not like Nan or something Ava: Choice is just a matter of perception Ava: she clearly didn't think so Nancy: Mum & dad are going to go ballistic, you know that, yeah? Ava: Undoubtedly Ava: there's nothing they can do though Nancy: except make it harder for you than it's already going to be Ava: That would require being here Ava: which they're not going to do Nancy: Dad might Nancy: if he's angry enough Ava: For how long Ava: he'll get bored Nancy: you can come & stay if you need to Ava: I have school soon so Nancy: I know, but I'm making the offer anyway Ava: Thanks Ava: but I'm good Nancy: I'm not good at this, I know that, but I care about you, okay? Ava: Then why do you want me to leave Nancy: all I want is for you to have somewhere to go if you need it Nancy: no, more than one somewhere actually, as many as possible Ava: I don't want to go anywhere Ava: I want to be here Nancy: I'm not dragging you onto a plane Ava: If I have problems, I deal with them Nancy: okay Ava: Okay? Ava: Good Nancy: I don't appreciate the drag but we're not going to fight about it now Ava: Sure, another time Nancy: yeah Ava: Yeah, well done, Nance Ava: later Nancy: Ava, come on Ava: You've got to be kidding me Nancy: don't do this Ava: No, you don't Ava: don't offer your faux support, it's worse than you not being there Nancy: I'm genuinely trying Ava: Then just don't Ava: I don't need it Nancy: what do you need? Ava: Honestly, just go Ava: and don't tell anyone before I do Nancy: I wouldn't do that, it's not about me Nancy: you have to tell them Ava: I know, I'm going to Ava: I have places to be right now though Nancy: can we just not leave it like this though Ava: Fine Ava: thank you for trying Nancy: whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry, you know Ava: If you don't know, it means nothing to me Nancy: you're gonna have to tell me, one day, when you don't have places to be or whatever else Ava: No, that's the thing Ava: I don't have to Nancy: you don't want to, you mean Nancy: cos I don't understand I can't just figure it out Ava: Why would I want to? Ava: It doesn't affect me Nancy: fine, forget it Ava: Sounds good Nancy: Yeah well, I won't keep you any longer then Ava: Uhuh put the blame on me Nancy: oh my god Nancy: you either want to forget this or you don't Ava: I want you to not victimize yourself every five seconds Nancy: yeah? I'd love not to Ava: Bullshit Ava: if you aren't complaining you have nothing to talk about Nancy: that's really constructive criticism, thanks, like Ava: You can't help yourself can you, Christ Nancy: No, my life's mostly a mess & clearly nothing I'm doing is helping Ava: So just fucking think, will you Ava: nothing I said indicated I would want to leave Nancy: I'm not telling you to leave, I'm telling you I'm here Nancy: because I can't come back Nancy: but that doesn't mean I'm not here Ava: Well it does Ava: You haven't been here period so let's not act like that's revelatory to either of us Nancy: I don't need to be in Chelsea to be supportive Ava: Anything you have to say, any advice, is so far removed from my reality Ava: you don't know me, it's insulting Ava: you don't get to offer support and then be offended when it's not wanted or needed Nancy: I'm not offended, upset for sure, but that's because you're right Nancy: I don't know you, so what? Now I just never get to know you ever? That's upsetting Ava: You don't get to dole out advice or act the big sister Ava: especially when that's the last thing I would want Nancy: okay, I'm sorry Nancy: I shouldn't have reacted how I have for basically this entire conversation, but it was a lot Ava: It's fine Ava: it just proves how little you've changed Ava: your first reaction will always be to run and hide and I don't need that in my life Nancy: I had to leave, Ava Nancy: I wouldn't be in your life at all right now if I hadn't done that Ava: You did what you had to for you Ava: it doesn't change that it happened Ava: doesn't mean we can force a relationship now 'cos it weren't your fault Ava: that time's gone Nancy: it's not gone for me Nancy: it affects everything Ava: and I'm sorry for you Nancy: yeah, I know Ava: I can't be expected to fix that for you, no one can Nancy: I know that too Ava: There's nothing more to say Ava: we both got fucked over Ava: it is what it is Nancy: there's just one more thing I wanna say, even though you don't want or need my advice, don't let her ruin anything, whether she comes back or it's just the damage she's already done to that poor fucking lad, like Ava: I can't control her Ava: I can just be there for him now Nancy: Yeah, don't let anyone stop you then Ava: I won't Nancy: Good Nancy: I hope you're both happy, I mean that Ava: Thanks Ava: that's the goal Nancy: It's all mum & dad actually want, they'll calm down eventually Nancy: Buster too, he's a lot calmer these days Ava: They'll have to Ava: he's not doing anything wrong Nancy: it's not me you need to convince Ava: I should probably go do that then Nancy: Right, why waste time Ava: All good fun Nancy: C'est la vie Nancy: if there's a NYC equivalent of that I can't remember it Ava: even New Yorkers don't have culture Ava: still American Nancy: Gays are the only ones who have culture Ava: Bold statement to make about plaid and dysfunction but okay Nancy: what else have I got? might as well Ava: Sure Nancy: she didn't manage to straighten me out even if she took everything else Ava: Any small victory Nancy: Go then, you're shamelessly stalling now Ava: I'm walking Ava: going to the park, I told you I had things to do Nancy: try not to get run over again please Ava: 🙄 Ava: that's nice isn't it Nancy: I'm serious, I was worried Ava: James came and looked after me Nancy: I'm glad, it's shit being alone when things like that happen Ava: They wouldn't have been able to discharge me so yeah Ava: it was good Nancy: he always did seem like less of a prick than the rest Ava: A glowing review Ava: almost sounded like a compliment Nancy: he never joined in with any of it, so yeah, I guess it is Ava: He's a nice person now, that's all I know Nancy: that's all that matters now anyway Ava: Yeah but I'm glad he didn't Ava: obviously Nancy: I wouldn't let him near you if he had, whatever you say or however many flights I'd have to get to keep you apart Ava: Okay, drama queen Nancy: shut up, that one's not my fault, actually genetic Ava: 😂 True Nancy: dad's such a 👑, good lord Nancy: I wonder if they met James when he was friends with Buster Nancy: probably not Ava: He says he doesn't really remember them but I remember Buster's friends being around so Ava: guess saying thank you when you run out the front door isn't really meeting Nancy: Yeah, they always were Nancy: but like you said, mum & dad really aren't so Ava: they were more back then Ava: when I was little Nancy: Sure, they aren't going to rival James' wife in the parenting stakes Ava: It's not even funny Nancy: she never has been Nancy: how she ever thought I could fancy her when she's not no sense of humour Ava: Maybe she is gay Ava: something's making her seriously unhappy and fucked Nancy: She was definitely into Buster too though, I remember that from way before I left Ava: I think she slept with everyone, like Nancy: not him though, his 😍 for Ri were in place before we moved from Cambs Ava: Yeah but I mean, she obvs didn't know that Ava: 'til everyone did Nancy: that whole group were always swapping, it was so gross & weird Nancy: but I was the weird one, okay bitch Ava: Yeah Ava: lots of people still roll like that Nancy: there's a whole gay scene here that's entirely that Ava: A box is a box wherever it is Ava: even if you roll it in glitter and call it culture 🤷 Nancy: & lesbians are ridiculous wherever you find them Ava: we'll leave that at a self-drag Ava: I'm not getting involved Nancy: I'm just saying, I don't wanna be friends with someone who broke my heart, why does that make me weird? Ava: Who's broke your heart this week then Nancy: Unlike you, I was heartbroken in the Seychelles Ava: Duh, you wouldn't have come otherwise Ava: so go on, what happened Nancy: you've pointed out enough of my flaws for one conversation, cheers Nancy: I'm not dissecting my breakup with you Ava: I am busy so ⌚ Nancy: goodbye then Ava: 😂 Ava: I'm not dying Ava: laters Nancy: until you get run over again, yeah? Nancy: seriously, stop walking & annoying me, like Nancy: it's an actual safety hazard Ava: Not to brag but my coordination is great, tah Nancy: being rude to the dyslexic now Nancy: yeah, you can go Ava: 👋