#and then he said 'sorry I shouldnt bother you with this bs'

[megaclubdiolis]

柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第四十二回 「川辺の誓い」 ​​​

[itcantbechase]

I understand we’re different, I understand some differences will always cause friction, I understand if you don’t want to try and change someone, I wasn’t desperate, I didn’t want to change to keep you, I wanted to enjoy your music and did, We are Mickey and Gus, you were the captain, I wasn’t pretending to like any of it just to appease you, I was open and flexible and you opened up my heart to new possibilities, made me a better parent even tho I don’t even have a kid yet, made me healthier by caring about what I put into my body, made me wiser by listening to music that was deep and meaningful. Yeah I didn’t go to some show back in 2016 with you, sorry I wasn’t in to the same things you were into in high school, if I knew you in high school, there would be no 11 years because I would have tried to lock you down even if we were as different then, as we are now, I knew we were different going into this, and you did too, and the differences shouldn’t matter, because they don’t. The clothes you wear and the music you listen to shouldnt define you, maybe they did in high school but this is real life. You are defined by your beauty, inside and out. Your humor, your kindness. The fact that your such a loving parent to your son. We are the same person because deep down I care about people just as much as you do, i just have a hard time showing it. We literally have the same humor, we both care about our family, we both have the same values and common interests, you just don’t see it. Everything you claim to be different is superficial, when you dig deeper past the bs we are the same, Idc what you say. That’s why I can’t let go, that’s why I’ll always fight, I don’t want to argue but there will always be something to be said. I can’t help how I feel. Me and old boy will never be cool. Me and him can never be friends. It’s only because of what I know about him. How can I lose you to someone like that? Over time we will drift apart because he will force you into not talking to me, he manipulated you into this over the course of a month. Maybe I’m doing the same, or maybe I actually care about you. Maybe this is the hill worth dying on. Maybe you’re actually wrong for once. I know I could have been better, and in time I will become better with or with out you,

'Cause I did love you, and I still do

And how my standard of girls is based completely around you

You gave me the blueprint, I know what to look for in a girl. Maybe I’ll find one one day, maybe she will be cool with me talking to you, hopefully who ever you end up with is cool with you talking to me, I know you say you don’t need permission but you’re too nice of a girl to do something if you know it bothers someone, that’s why you deleted the playlist. In time, I’ll become someone you used to know. I’ll hear anti hero at a corporate chain restaurant and think of you. I’ll make myself an iced coffee right before the gym and think of you, I’ll think of you everytime I go to the west side of town, because we’re so different I never had any other reason to go that way, I’ll think of you any time someone mentions bold bean, I’ll think of you any time my kid gives me shit and I want to choke him like Homer Simpson, I’ll think of you all the time for a long time, and then we’ll get older and I won’t think of you as much, I’ll be reminded of you from time to time and I’ll smile, my wife will ask me why I’m smiling and I will have to lie, I’d much rather not have to lie. Because I would be lying to myself every day saying I’m happy knowing that she ain’t kaitlen. Maybe one day I’ll move on, but I don’t want to move on, that’s the thing.

I still want it to be me and you vs the world, don’t let the world win.

I know this has been a whirl wind,

but I want you to be there when the world ends.

See I’m way more emo than this wanna be, he probably only ever ever got into that shit to try and be cool with you or some other girl, I’m really about that life just like I was when I listened to rap when I was younger. I fought people, I sold drugs, i was a bad person. And after being able to enjoy the love of my life and lose her all in a month, I’m now emo. I don’t want to dress emo, I may not know the lyrics to any songs, but I’m bout that life, I showed up ready to die for you, he ran. I would of spent months in jail for you, I would still kill someone for you if they tried to harm you, that’s about as gangster rap and emo as it gets, and I’m not just saying this shit to try and get you back, I can get hoes, I just don’t want to get hoes. I want you, it’s not because I’m desperate, you are way better than me in every way, it’s because I thought you were my best friend. And because you make me laugh, and because we are the same on the inside, just not the outside. I accepted you for you, I didn’t care about the differences. You shouldn’t either, that’s why I can’t let go. At least not for now,

I been hoping for love just like Mickey my whole life, and hoping for love ruined my life, and I thought that I could be saved by you, but please, let me save you too…

[strawberryspeachy]

I wonder if im about to get fired again

Last year i got fired because a teacher who acted like he wanted to be my friend hated when I reciprocated that want.

Ive worked with about 55 other teachers since him and none of them

Ask about my weekend every week. Ask about my friends. Ask about my personal life. Stare at me in the office. Lean over me and touch me. Come look through my folder that im holding to just point out the paper im looking for (they just offer me a new one if they think i dont have it)

But. I was totally stalking him. And got fired.

Now im working at 2 schools

One with 4/5 horrible teachers

The other with 4/5 wonderful teachers

At the horrible teacher school one has been (and i dont say this about people often. Actually ever. I assume ppl hate me... but this woman has bee - well)

K so i made a newsletter for the schools. The good school put it out for the students and that was that. The bad school told me i could distribute it. So i asked this teacher where

She took me into the hallway and showed me a board. She told me to put the papers on those walls. And then she gave me pins. So i did.

Then she told my company i put papers up without permission

Ive worn the same clothes to all 7 schools ive worked at plus two camps. Never got a complaint. Until now. She complained about my skirt and socks

She said in a fly away statement when i started that because were teachers we cant travel because of corona and must stay home - it irriated me because i clearly understood that she was telling me that i need to stay home when im not working. Fuck that! But i just agreed with her. Her first question after my summer break was “you had a long vacation, did you go anywhere”

She asked in a happy voice - pretending that was wanted to hear about something exciting. But. Bitch i have a good memory. I told her i mostly stayed home and only went to a nearby town.

K so like. Thing is. She knows im probably lying (cause im young and not from this country. No one would stay home for a month) so the way she responded was kinda pissed off that she cant prove me wrong or report me or anything - then in the middle of class she asked about my housemates

1) i have no control over them

2) your first question was already invasive and this is stupid

3) youve asked me a question that i cant answer correctly. If i say i dont know youll say i might have corona because my housemates probably brought it home. If i say they went out - same thing. If i say they stayed home - another obvious lie. I told her that they are all students and had class so I think they were home. Again. She was annoyed by this answer

She constantly makes side remarks about “foregners”

She wont translate the questions that students ask her to ask me - and when i understand them and answer she acts flustered and annoyed

Shes bad at english and writes shit incorrectly - gives it to me to cold read - then gets mad when i trip over shit thats written incorrectly

She changed the song early last month because I liked it

She talks to me like im a clown hindering the class - walking over and telling me (a person standing quietly waiting for instruction) that now the students must study - the way a parent would tell a 7 year old not to bother the sleeping dog.

I TRIED to have a normal conversation with her because she seemed to be trying and i felt bad. She said it was hot and cold off and on and told me what temperature it would he the next day in celcius. I just said oh. And felt the tention. So i tried to ease it by chuckling and telling her “sorry. You know how america uses Fahrenheit? I dont really understand celcius.” She immediately —- wait hold on

This school makes us write down our temperature in the morning as though that does ANYTHING to stop corona - they dont even check - she harrassed me upon walking in the door to WRITE DOWN MY TEMPERATURE

—- k so no. No easy conversation. She immediately got serious and went how do you understand celcius for your body temperate then??? I told her i convert it.

A couple periods late she inturrupted another teacher talking to me about class and stopped me from going to class to ask me ‘if you dont know celcius how do you write your temperature down in the morning?!?’’ I told her i have a japanese thermometer and just write down what it says. Then she tried to play if off and chuckled like - oh ha i was just wondering. Whats the difference (her face was like enraged before that btw) she asked what the average temperature in Fahrenheit is and i quickly spit out 98.6 while grabbing my book to leave for the class i was now running late for

Shes full on feuding with a boy who “CANT SPEAK JAPANESE” and is “NOT JAPANESE” she tried not to bitch but also bitch about him to me - through this i learned that his mom is Australian. He was born in Japan. Also if her english didnt suck so much she would know that hes not fluent in english

She like the other teachers ask me questions that they dont want answers to. And sometimes is not even just - i wanna write this sentence wrong - does it make sense

No. It doesnt (correct answer- anything you write is correct. Dont worry. Dont ask me. Your perfect)

A couple weeks ago she told me that the song the other teacher chose is a japanese song that was translated into english. She asked it its gramattically correct. I told her that songs dont need to be grammatically correct so its fine. Then she asked me if it makes sense. I told her that its a bit vague but its fine.

She didnt know what vague meant. She asked me to write it down so she could look it up later. Not sure how she took that as an insult but Im sure she did.

And the song is vague. Id figured out that it was a song that was either written for a weird tv show or translated from something else before she even told me

Shes always late for class. She doesnt even leave for class until the bell rings. If she walks in and i was talking with the students - she looks highly uncomfortable - so ive stopped talking to them before she arrives

She wont let them ask me questions. Only her (these past two points go for the other crappy teachers too)

She cant make up her mind whether she wants me to say hello first or her. She cant make up her mind on what she wants me to read or whether she wants me to stop at commas or read full paragraphs or what - and she gets annoyed when i cant read her mind avout it —the others do this too

She reads sentences she wrote (incorrectly) out loud even more wrong - but apparently (going from her face) even though she doesnt know the word for fucking SENTENCES - and calls them “englishes” she heard me add the s to a word that should have been plural but she wrote as singular. She never says the fucking plurals or adds them where they shouldnt - but of course she heard my quick slip of adding an s onto a fucking word

- which really just shows thats she pays way more attention trying to find me doing something wrong than literally ANYTHING ELSE she does

Theres more. Im tired. And so very stressed. Tomorrow i have a meeting after school which i told my company rhat if they want my time they should pay me for it and told them theyre welcome to come to my schools (the one i like and normally can he stress free and get home early from) station

They made up bs as to why they can pay others but not me but did say theyre gonna come to the station

Last tome with the fucking “hanging stuff up without permission” i was of couse told i was in the wrong (BECAUSE JAPANESE CAN DO NO WRONG) and forced to say that i need to communicate better 3 times

Howd i start this? Watch me get fired? Yea i was fired on like the 23rd last year. Watch me get fucking fired again - for again. One racist ass peice of shit teacher

“Well you just gotta suck it up and accept where you are on the food chain” k look. Do you know how much easier and less stressed id be if i was able to do that?! I just. CANT ok. I refuse to think that i am less of a person than any other person. People can treat me that wat and do all they want. But i refuse to think that i am lesser. I am a person. And if i have to respect them they should respect me. Its a reciprocal fucking thing i cant fucking kiss ass

I lived in a house with a woman who wanted me to kiss her ass - and i basically chose not to be treated like a dormat and pike she was my lord. And thus got mentally and emptionally abused for 24 years.

I cant fucking kiss ass. I can be polite. But i cant kiss fucking ass dude. I just cant

[spnife]

91 question tag

Tagged by @vanillabeanniall​ and then @uswntinharmony​

More below the cut bc that’s how I roll

the last – 

1. drink: Arizona Tea

2. phone call: my mom

3. text message: my mom - she sent me two climbing videos. Or I sent them to me, from her phone

4. song i listened to: What a feeling, but I was asleep (i checked the music app just now), so the last song I remember hearing is Ray of Light by Madonna

5. time you cried: wednesday. First day of school was today so it was some stress

have you ever – 6. dated someone twice: yeah

7. been cheated on: yeah. I became friends with the guy though. Similar tastes I guess???  (( Actually I blocked him on snapchat last year bc he was talking some bs on his story but in eigth grade he wasn’t awful))  She lied abt it though and then talked to me two years later and still lied like okay

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no ragrets

9. lost someone special: not really

10. been depressed: fuck hell yep

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no. I had like a sip of beer on a trip but it was just to mess with a dude while he was in the porta potty

list 3 favorite colors – 12. light blue

13. orangish pink

14. dark purple

in the last year have you – 15. made new friends: heck yeah. I switched schools and found a really good group of people there already. It’s been alright

16. fallen out of love: not in the last year. gotta be in love first

17. laughed until you cried: probably but I don’t remember rn

18. found out someone was talking about you: I think? I found out parents were saying nice things about me. Mean wise maybe? I’m not really sure. Probably

19. met someone who changed you: at least one. a teacher last year

20. found out who your true friends were: i think? 

more –  21. kissed someone on your facebook? alas, i do not have a facebook

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? see 21

23. do you have any pets? A super sweet black lab named FeeBee, a kitten named Mulder and a cat named Milo, and a hedgehog named Wembly

24. do you want to change your name? i like my name. My last name bothers me sometimes bc dad stuff but it’s gotten better

25. what did you do on your last birthday? I had a chill day at school, got a nice car, got a card from all of the kids on the climbing team. One of them said “Wow Coach Ella, you only have two more years til you can drink,” like i’m sorry kid I’m only 16

26. what time did you wake up? 7. first day of school

27. what were you doing at midnight? crying and putting school stuff in my backpack and watching VEEP

28. name something you can’t wait for: to keep getting better at climbing, the Harry Styles concert on oct 11, my birthday on oct 13 bc it should be fun and I hope I’ll get another card from the climbing team bc they’re all lovely

29. when was the last time you saw your mother? today

30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? i want to know that I’ll be able to be happy

31. what are you listening to right now? watching Raising Hope

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom? yep

33. something that is getting on your nerves? I keep getting anxiety while I’m at climbing practice and that’s one of my most comfortable places. it feels like im going downhill with climbing even though I know im getting better

34. most visited site: netflix

school –  35. elementary: i loved my elementary school. every teacher i had was amazing, small school in austin and a good community and i still talk to my friends from there. so when i moved to the new school in fifth grade and depression was already showing up, the differences made it literally hell. it was awful. i didnt like my teachers and i didnt know people

36. middle: 6th grade was hell, 7th grade was even fuckin worse, 8th was still pretty bad. All the worst years of my life so far, and tbh it’s gonna be hard to top them

37. high: better than middle school but thats a really fucking low bar. like incredibly low.

38. college: planning for ACC for two years to get base courses, dream school UT in an engineering major. I love the school and the program there, but I worry if I could barely get through middle school, how tf am I supposed to survive college. Also it didn’t feel great when I was talking to a friend and I was like “yeah ut is tbh my dream school, if I can get in” and she was like “oh that’s one my last choice colleges” like fucking okay love you thanks for telling me that makes me feel real good about my intelligence and how you view me

me –  39. hair color: brown

40. long or short hair? shoulder length

41. do you have a crush on someone? yep. according to a friend i am “so gone for this girl” but um. oka y what if she doesn’t like me? I feel good around her though and she likes being around me and we work well together I think. She’s lovely and I wouldn’t want to make things weird by asking her out if I don’t know she feels that way too.

42. what do you like about yourself? I am able to figure things out and I work with kids really well. I’ve also been getting better at climbing again so I’m proud of myself for that

43. piercings? just my ears

44. blood type: lol yeah like i know?

45. nickname: ellallalala is something I’m getting from people at the new school, and I’ve had some climbing nicknames over the years but Coachella is sticking. I coach and my name is Ella it’s great

46. relationship status: nope

47. zodiac sign: libra

48. pronouns: she/her

49. favorite tv show(s): always sunny, parks and rec, my name is earl, curious george

50. tattoos: soon

51. right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? right

first –  52. surgery: i had one on my pelvis in 2013? i was in preschool and it was for this weird group of veins on the side of my leg. We’d always called it a birthmark and after the surgery the scar looked like a sunset over water but the sun is purple (still looks like that it’s rad) and the first time someone showed me a birthmark i was like??? Um no thats just a little dark bit of skin?? my birthmark is purple what is this shit

53. piercing: ears

54. sport: rock climbing. found it early and still love it

55. vacation: no idea

56. pair of trainers: first i remember are a PAIR OF DORA LIGHT UP SHOES

current –  57. eating: nothing

58. drinking: arizona tea

59. i’m about to: finish my arizona tea

60. listening to: the episode ended so me typing and the clock my great grandmother gave is

future –  61. waiting for: me to feel alright

62. want: to like what i’m doing and to know i’m able to be happy doing it. I wish I could just skip to being married with kids and a dog and everything.

63. married: oh for sure

64. career: astronaut has always been my dream career but with this level of anxiety it’s probably a no go. I am not over it. I’m def gonna cry abt it in a couple of minutes bc thats how it goes, ya know. The last astronaut I talked to though said “the biggest disqualifier is not applying” so i’m still going to try my hardest. I also love engineering and physics and space and science and education and would love to be a librarian, so we’ll see

your type – 
 65. hugs or kisses? depends

66. lips or eyes? eyes, i guess. There’s more character there

67. shorter or taller? in my head i’m always like oh taller but really it doesn’t matter. as long as i can be little spoon im good to go

68. older or younger? doesn’t matter

69. nice arms or nice stomach? tummies are cute i guess. 

70. sensitive or loud? i don’t know

71. hook-up or relationship? right now relationship and at some point relationship but ask me a couple months ago and it would have been different

72. troublemaker or hesitant? both. troublemaker with a lot of decisions but in fun ways, but hesitant when it comes to talking to new people that i want to be good friends with. and asking people out

73. kissed a stranger? yep. on a bet

74. drank hard liquor? had some jack daniels mixed with coffee and it tasted like cinnamon toast crunch

75. lost contact lenses/glasses? my glasses always turn up

76. turned someone down? yeah. accidentally on a few though lol. As i had a crush on someone i went out with for a little while last yeah legit three other people liked me and i guess im oblivious bc i had no fucking idea

77. sex on first date? depends

78. broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so

79. had your heart broken? yes but in a friendship way along with the relationship. it goes back to the you should kill yourself stuff

80. been arrested? nope

81. cried when someone died? no one i’ve known closely has died. My great-great grandmother died when i was fiveish but she was really old. There have been a few suicides at my old school (i switched 2 months before end of last year) and those hit hard, just knowing that there are so many people here dealing with that stuff and me relating to it. I didn’t know the people well but we’d spoken and I knew them some, but I had some friends who were much closer and really affected

82. fallen for a friend? yeah

do you believe in –  83. yourself? i try

84. miracles? shit happens, and sometimes it’s good

85. love at first sight? who am i to say tbh

86. santa claus? no

87. kiss on first date? if i like them

88. angels? no

other –  89. current best friend’s name: skip

90. eye color: hazel

91. favorite movie: i dont know im tired and want to cry sort of so maybe i shouldnt think about this stuff as much when im already stressed im going to go drink more tea and eat some soup

Anway

I’m tagging anyone who reads this far. gotcha

[thee4]

test

well of course its been a long time again. i dont feel well. i feel like my inner demon is taking over again. i dont want to do anything. i dont feel like doing anything. i just want to go home. and not think. its complicated but its how i feel right now. i cant breathe. i feel like i cant settle down. it doesnt make sense. and its scares me. i want to go home. i feel sleepy. and tired. and weak. i dont want to be like this but idk how to change it. when i put my hands over my eyes, my eyes sting. i assume its cause theyre tired. and right now, i feel like dying. 

sometimes i like my job. other times, i dont. i hate it so much that i want to quit. but  i cant cause i have bills to pay. i shouldnt even have bills to pay. i should only be paying off my student loan. thats it. i shouldnt be $$$ in debt. its unfair. 

i keep skipping because i havent been here in a while and idr what i used to do. i want to go home. but now that the presence has left, its not too bad. i need to find another job. this stress is getting to me. and its making me hate everything in sight. its not fun anymore. life isnt great. its stressful. there is no good when it comes to life. i dont want to be like this. im sorry jesus. i want to be happy. but its taking a while for me to get there. i think something inside of me needs to change. but who will show me how to change. and change into what. if theres nothing wrong with me, how do i change. how do i know if what im doing is the right thing. i have no mentor. no one i can confide in. there are some people but its not easy... i wish i had friends sometimes. but other times, i know i would make a shitty friend anyway. so which is it tracy. friends for personal gain or no friends so you dont have to worry about anyone else except yourself. thats mean to say. because there are peple i care about. but idk whats wrong with me. back to square one. 

there are so many things that used to make me happy. now i cant even think of one. FM makes me happy but other things in my life dont. its hard being with him tho. we’ve been fighting more than usual. and it sucks. because it wasnt like this for almost a year. maybe even longer. im stressed just thinking about it. moving on. 

i guess im mostly talking about kpop. i used to love kpop. but now here i am. i cried to my friends, asking me to never let me open a go again. but here i am again. opening a new go tonight. there is a diff tho. i guess you need to start thinking about gos are a bother. instead of helping people. no one wants to spend money on useless things. most kpop goods are useless. and now i have too much crap in my room again. i cant even hang my posters. what kind of shit.... i want to go home. its 120. almost time but like fuck not really. i need to figure out what im going to do on wednesday. i guess ill tell KA tomorrow. she seems stressed today. tomorrow might be worse but ill tell her that i tried to find a replacement already. 

i keep having to take breaks throughout today. i didnt know today would be this bad. i cant tell what im feeling. if i did, i think i would have a better handle on my emotions. but right now, its hard. 

im doing something that i havent done in a while. the last time was around oct. its weird that i can actually still remember that time. i got into the spirit of halloween last year. so i decided to listen to paranormal experiences on youtube. all the time. while working at work, during lunch, on my way home, and even at home. when it wasnt dark out yet. and then some weird shit started to happen in my house. but i cant tell if it was just my imagination or because these things were really happening. that bathroom door bs scared the living shit out of me but i found the courage to get out of bed and close the door myself. it was the weirdest fucking thing. even though i know my dad said he did it. there have been 3 weird things to happen in that house. idk why i started talking about this, but again, here we are. the macaroons thing, the noise i heard, and the door jiggling downstairs. 

i need a break from life again. my vacation isnt until april. but like..... ugh. ok its next month. wow i cant believe its only a month left. wow. im ready but then not. its weird. i dont even have a lightstick omg. but i guess its okay. i dont need one. but... i do. wait ill look it up right now. 

im sol dude. i dont have anywhere to buy the bts army bomb from... fuck. so i started to msg businesses. around the country.... this is so hard. omg.