#and then have me spaced out while trying to meet w the surgeon was not the intended effect.

[whumpacabra]

Have your medical caretaker forget (or your medical whumper ‘forget’) to numb whumpee before a minor but painful operation.

They have to follow up with a sedative to help whumpee ‘calm down,’ blissfully unaware (or cruelty reveling) that they’re still in excruciating pain.

Whumpee is still in pain, but they’re too confused and exhausted by the sedative to communicate that to their caretakers.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi lovely 💖 I have a request for some reca for the community. I have no idea how to search for it but I have a burning need for fics involving John being a confident flirt or coming on to Sherlock and S being a blushing disaster. I know I’ve read some before (like the one where John is a wereslut lmao) but I can’t think of anymore. Anyone in the remaining hive mind got ideas? 💖💖💖 thank you for doing god’s work in these trying times and always being wonderful.

Hey Lovely!!

Ahhh I think the fics on my John Centric Fics / Sex God John masterpost might be good! 

Here’s some flirting fics, so thank you for the excuse to start a new list!! <3 Of course, if anyone has any suggestions, please add your own! <3

FLIRTING

Sherlock and John Go Clubbing by wendymarlowe (E, 4,716 w., 3 Ch. || Clubbing, Dirty Talk, Dancing, Coming Untouched, Coming in Pants, Bi John, For a Case, Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Sherlock is Lost for Words, Sexy John, Mutual Pining, Possessive John, Floor Sex/Hand Job/Frottage) – John pinched the bridge of his nose - even for Sherlock, this was a new level of no bloody boundaries. “You want me to go with you to a gay club, wait around twiddling my thumbs while I let you get pawed by a criminal, then out-flirt him and talk you into coming home with me instead?” Part 32 of John and Sherlock's Kinky First Times

The Effect of Memory by testosterone_tea (E, 6,430 w., 1 Ch. || Praise Kink, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Smut, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Confused Sherlock) – John has temporary amnesia coming off of anaesthesia after an operation and not only does he not recognize Sherlock, he starts flirting with him! After John recovers, he doesn’t remember the incident at all. But Sherlock does. Confusion ensues.

To Quote Malcolm Tucker; or, Get The Fuck In or Fuck The Fuck Off by kim47 (T, 8,484 w., 1 Ch. || Jealous Sherlock, Flirting, Cockblocking) – Sherlock is cockblocker and a prick tease and John is not amused.

A Brand of Gold by aquabelacqua (M, 12,757 w., 1 Ch. || Mutual Pining, POV John, Phone Sex, Texting, Masturbation, Long Distance, Drunk Texting) – What am I doing? he wondered. The answer came back at once: Flirting. He let the vital, missing piece snap into place as surely and as cleanly as if it had always been there. He was flirting with Sherlock Holmes.

The shape of the world around us by Salambo06 (E, 15,058 w., 5 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting || Lumberjack John / Botanist Sherlock, Different First Meeting, John Has a Beard, Light Case Fic, Flirting, First Kiss / Time, Masturbation, Love at First Sight, Horny Sherlock, John’s Bum, Bottomlock, Tenderness, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Shy Sherlock, Sexual Fantasies) – Looking through the bush, Sherlock felt his heartbeat quicken as a man passed in front of him. Sherlock frowned, trying to get a closer look despite the bush. The man was wearing a red plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows, and Sherlock couldn't take his eyes off the man’s arms. Muscular, slightly tanned with golden hairs along his forearms. For some unknown reason, Sherlock found himself imagining them around his waist, holding him tightly. Closing his eyes for the briefest second, Sherlock shook his head. Opening his eyes and looking back to where the man stood only a moment prior, he found himself alone. Great, now his only chance to find his way back to town was gone. “Why are you wearing a suit?”

Second Chance by SilentAuror (E, 15,816 w., 1 Ch. || Post-HLV, Post-Divorce, Friends to Lovers, UST, Romance) – Now that John's divorce has gone through and the dust is settling, Sherlock thinks that he would very much like to see if there is any possibility of moving their friendship in another direction. The only thing is, he has no idea how to go about doing that...

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

You're On the Air by prettysailorsoldier (M, 20,616 w., 1 Ch. || Unilock, Matchmaking, Radio, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Flirting, Bisexual John) – The Consulting Detective and The Woman dominate the airwaves of their university radio station, doling out advice on everything from meeting the parents to sexual positions. When their ratings start to dip before the holidays, however, manager Mike thinks it's time for some fresh blood, and who better to fill in the gaps than rugby captain--and notorious flirt--John Watson? Part 1 of 25 Days of Johnlock

Guilty Secrets by Ellipsical (E, 55,086 w., 16 Ch. || Post-TRF, Drumsticks, First Kiss/Time, Love Confession, Self-Sexual-Discovery, Anal, Rimming, Orgasm Denial, Butt Plugs, Cooking, Furniture Sex, Bath Sex, Rimming, Double Penetration, Prostate Massage, Anal Beads, Dancing, Romance, Tantric Edging, Internalized Homophobia, Case as Foreplay, Anal Beads, Tickling, Dancing, Dry Coming, Romance) – John has a prostate exam and discovers something surprising about himself. Experimentation follows. Sherlock wants to help. They're in love. You know the drill.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of SpaceBois go to Space

floating through a dark blue sky by Lediona (M, 58,966 w., 15 Ch. || Notting Hill AU || POV John, Celebrity Sherlock, First Date / Time / Kiss, Past Drug Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending) – Of course, I’d seen his films and always thought he was, well, brilliant -- but, you know, a million miles from the world I live in. Or, when John is the owner of a travel book shop and the famous Sherlock Holmes stops in one day.

31_Days_of_Porn_Challenge_2017 Series by distantstarlight (E, 96,540 w. across 31 stories || Prompt Ficlets, Assorted Kinks, PWP) – A collection in response to the 31 Days of Porn Challenge issued by AtlinMerrik! Thanks for doing that because this has been buttload of fun (that joke never gets old). All stories will be brief stand-alone one-shots.

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w., 23 Ch. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Facial Shaving, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose... is it a pirate's life for him?

[wicked-mind]

Remember Me: Chapter Seven

Summary: Y/N and Bucky were the unlikely match when it came to love, but they were inseparable since they met. After a fight, Y/N left to be a trauma surgeon in the military and returns without her memories. How will Bucky remind Y/N how she is the fire in his bones?

Word Count: 4.4k

Warnings: Swearing (I like swearing. Adds character and sounds pretty to me lol), mentions of surgical procedures, car crash, miscarriage, John Walker, slight bit of PTSD.

Series Masterlist

All Writings Masterlist

As always, any likes, reblog, or comments are appreciated (:

*gifs not mine

Previously

Y/N removed her eyes from his face, listening to the story. Her forehead creased a moment as she thought about all that was said before meeting his gaze once again. A small smile curved on her lips and she leaned towards him, kissing his lips softly before pulling away slightly to look at him, “I forgive you, Bucky."

Bucky felt relief flood through him at her words, smiling down to her. He couldn’t find any words to say to her so instead he returned his arms around her body and pulled her closer, kissing her deeply. Those were words Bucky had waited to hear for so long and for a while he didn’t know if he would ever hear them from Y/N. Everything seemed right in the world for now, and even though he was worried about what was written in those journals John had given her due to what Steve had said, he hoped that whatever else it was would be forgiven also.

Truth was, Y/N always had forgiven Bucky for what was said the moment she left. She knew it was from his own fears. But what had broken her heart was hidden in the pages of those journals.

Chapter seven - The truth in the writing

Y/N wasn’t supposed to be back to work until noon, but she got called in early due to an apartment fire that would lead to multiple traumas coming in meaning it was all hands on deck. Bucky watched her pack the yellow folder John had given to her last night into her backpack before taking her to the hospital. He came back to Steve’s to find him and Peggy having some coffee. Bucky grabbed himself a mug of the dark liquid before leaning against the counter, “She took the journals with her.” He said over to Steve.

Peggy narrowed her eyes as they flickered between the two, “What journals?”

Steve sighed, sitting at the dining table next to Peggy, “Y/N’s friend, that blonde guy named John, brought some of her journals that were left behind at her base camp. Says there’s everything in there.” He informed.

“Yeah, including something we don’t know about.” Bucky grumbled out, “Something that made our break-up worse than just the words that were said.” He would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. He replayed that night so many times in his head that every moment was burned into his brain and he couldn’t think of anything other than what was said before she left, “We gotta figure this out. So I can at least try to make it better after she reads whatever is in there.”

Peggy set her glass mug on the table, “Okay, then let’s walk through it.” She said helpfully, “Y/N came here that night after her shift and showed us the deployment papers with the date for her to leave set in a month, June 7th. She was so excited to tell you that she left immediately after. What happened at your house, James?”

Bucky sighs, setting his mug down on the counter to run a hand through his dark hair, “She came in all excited and jumped into my arms. Everything was fine and then she showed me the papers. We argued about it because I didn’t want her to go. I told her if she walked out those doors I wouldn’t be here waiting for her and not to come back. And then she left.” He flinched at his own words. He hated that he had said that to Y/N.

Steve leans back in his chair, “Then she came back here in tears and frantic. We tried to get her to talk to us about what happened but she just packed her bags, got in her car, and left.” He sighs, “I called her everyday for about four days until she finally picked up and told me she was fine, just needed some space, and she would be back soon. After that, I didn’t hear from her until she was deployed.”

Bucky cocks his head to the side at Steve, narrowing his eyes, “You never told me that.”

Steve scoffs slightly, “Yeah, well, you made my sister run away, we weren’t exactly on the best speaking terms, Buck.”

“So we have no idea where she was or what she was doing for a month before she was deployed?” Peggy interrupted, watching Bucky and Steve shake their heads to say no. She bit her bottom lip for a moment, “Maybe something happened in that month.”

Bucky looked over from Peggy to Steve, “What did she say while she was deployed?” He asks curiously, folding his arms as he leaned against the counter.

Steve looked from Peggy to Bucky, picking up his mug and bringing it to his lips for a drink before setting it back down, “Y/N called me when she got to the base, told me she made it safe and she was sorry she didn’t come back before she left, that she couldn’t come back. I asked her what happened between you two and she told me what was said. I told her you didn’t mean it and to at least give you a call.” He watched Bucky’s features soften for a moment, “There were a few more phone calls. She told me what you said hurt, but that she was okay and there was another reason she couldn’t come home or talk to you. We didn’t really talk about you two after that.”

Bucky groaned slightly. What had happened? The more he thought about it the more the timeline didn’t make sense. Everything had been fine between them the days, even weeks leading up to when she ran away were fine. He sighs looking back to Steve, “I don’t know, man.” He said, “Everything was great. We made cookies together, went on rides, had a Star Wars marathon. Everything was perfect… So perfect in fact I bought a damn engagement ring.”

Steve looked at Bucky with almost fully wide eyes before looking at Peggy who was sipping her coffee avoiding eye contact, “You knew about this, Peggy?”

Peggy put her coffee down, pursing her lips a little before speaking, “Of course I knew! Who do you think had to help him pick out the damn thing?”

Steve nodded and turned his attention back to Bucky, “Wow.” He said still nodding, “Well, now I really wish things would’ve gone differently. She would’ve been so excited.” He said with a small smile towards Bucky. Steve had always trusted Bucky with Y/N. The way he treated her was like a queen.

Bucky’s lips twitched into a small smile for a moment at Steve’s approval before it faded back into a stern line. He was going to ask Steve for help with the proposal when Bucky eventually figured out how to ask, but hadn’t gotten around to it before it all went to shit, “So nobody knows what the reason is…”

Steve nodded slowly, “Well… none of us know. But there is one person who does.”

Bucky groaned a little again and rubs his hand along his face, “God, I really hate John Walker.”

—

Y/N dealt with the wave of incoming traumas from the apartment building fire, running point on sorting patients by the degree of their injuries to create a steady flow in the operating room and emergency room. Once everything had died down, Y/N sat in the attending’s lounge eating a sandwich and starting to go through yellow folder from her backpack. There were photos of Y/N with Bucky and some of her with Steve and Peggy as well of her with John. There were also photos of her while she was deployed mostly doing silly poses in the middle of nowhere. She placed the photos back into the folder and pulled out the two notebooks next. They were leather-bound full sized journals. She opened the first one that looked just a bit more well used, figuring it was the first one. Her brow furrowed when she turned to the first page. It was dated at the top, May 15, 2019 but the rest of the page looked like the words had been gone over with permanent marker. Y/N turned to the next page and the next but for about ten pages over the next ten days from May 15th, all the words had been scribbled over with permanent marker, “Well, that’s just great.” She mutters out to herself softly, “Thanks me. Super helpful.”

Y/N finally found a page with actual words instead of just a page of black marker, the date read May 25th, 2019. It was filled with the words repeating ‘I am not my trauma.’ over and over again until the last line that read:

I’ll forget the piece that was taken away from me.

She frowned a little. What trauma did this refer to? What had happened? She turns the page quickly to read the next page.

May 26th, 2019

I leave in eleven days.

I want more than anything to call him. I don’t know what I would say. How do I explain what happened. Where do I begin?

He told me if I leave to never come back. That he won’t be waiting for me.

A part of me knows that’s a lie. I know he’d be there with open arms if he knew what happened.

I found that ring after all…

Y/N had to read the line over again a few times. Ring? There was a ring?

But how would he feel if he knew how ruined I was?

His sun swallowed into a dark pit.

He loves me. And I don’t think I’m me anymore.

Nobody wants broken things.

May 28th, 2019

I want to feel safe again.

They say writing down what I feel is going to ground me to reality. They also said I should call somebody. I can’t do that. I can’t let them know how much I hurt. I just want to run as far away as possible and that’s what I’ll do. I need to get out of here. It feels like I can’t breathe and everywhere I look I’m met with eyes filled with pity. It makes everything worse the way they look at me and stare. I get released tomorrow, I’m signing out AMA. Then it’s just nine more days. Maybe it’ll replace my trauma with a different trauma. Anything would be better than this.

I miss Bucky. I miss running my fingers through his hair and the way his stubble would brush against my skin. I miss being in his arms the most. They were so safe like nothing could ever hurt me. I wish I would’ve stayed then none of this would’ve happened. We could’ve just fought about it then go to bed and sort it out until I left. At least then I would’ve felt save and would’ve been safe.

I think the worst part about our fight was that I knew about the ring. I found it in his boxer drawer when putting away his laundry. You’d figure he would’ve picked a better hiding spot, but nope. He’s never been good at hiding things from me. I was halfway expecting him to propose when I showed him my deployment papers so we both had something to look forward to when I came back. I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat if he did. After all, James Buchanan Barnes is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But that’s not what happened. And here I am stuck in pain and guilt.

Y/N shut the book when she heard someone come in, wiping away some tears she hadn’t noticed falling from her cheeks. She looks over and put on her best smile for Chief Miller, “Afternoon, Chief.”

Miller had his hands tucked in his pockets, “Everything okay, Y/N?” He asks gently, nothing the tear brimmed eyes.

Y/N nodded, keeping the same smile on her face, “Yeah, everything’s good. A friend brought me some journals to see if they’ll help me remember. It’s just confusing and a lot to read.” She said softly, “Were you looking for me?”

Miller nodded at her words, “I’m sorry, that must be hard.” He said with a reassuring smile, “I was just getting all your medical records transferred over and one was locked from a hospital in Queens. I just wanted to ask if you wanted to unlock it so we have that information on file in case it’s needed in the future.”

Y/N tilted her head at him, her brow pulling together in confusion, “I don’t remember what the nature of that visit would be… Did it have a date? I can call the doctor from the hospital to get it unlocked if I know the date.”

“May 14th, 2019.” Miller replied, “The doctors name I think was Wanda Maximoff.”

Y/N nodded slowly at the date. It was the day before her journal started with the scribbled out pages. She pushed the journal into her backpack, “Thanks, Chief. I’ll give them a call.” She said with a small smile before standing and leaving the room. She found an empty office with a computer, googling the hospital in Queens and asking for Dr. Maximoff.

“This is Dr. Maximoff.” A woman with an accent said over the phone when Y/N was connected.

“Hi, this is Dr. Rogers from Brooklyn Mercy. I was calling about a locked file in my health records.”

“Oh, Y/N! How have you been? Are you back from deployment?”

“Been better… And yes, I am. I was calling because a medical report of mine from May 14, 2019 is sealed and I don’t remember the nature of the visit. I lost a lot of my memories due to an incident overseas and I’m trying to put pieces together.”

“I see.. I’m so sorry to hear that. Our hospital isn’t too far from Brooklyn Mercy, I think we should talk about this in person given the situation. I’ll drive down and meet you in about forty-five minutes, would that work?”

“That’d be perfect, thank you Dr. Maximoff.” Y/N said before enhancing goodbyes and hanging up. It felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest with how fast it was racing and she felt sick to her stomach as she tried to remember what happened. Whatever happened, it was bad enough that Dr. Maximoff was coming to tell her in person.

Y/N asked Chief Miller if he would be there when she went over the information with Maximoff, wanting some sort of support in case whatever happened was really bad. She kept adjusting herself in the chair in front of Chief Miller, nervous for whatever information was about to come out. She put on a small smile when Dr. Maximoff came into the office holding a medical file, shaking her hand and watching her take a seat in the chair next to her, “Nice to meet you again, Dr. Maximoff.”

“Oh call me Wanda. And again, I’m very sorry about your memory loss. I want to start by saying that we have support groups I can recommend after we talk about this information. Given that you don’t remember, it is possible you’ll go through all the emotions and grief again.” Wanda said before placing the file on Chief Miller’s desk and opening it slowly, “The night of May 14th, 2019 paramedics responded to an accident involving two vehicles. You were in one of them. It was determined the other driver was driving under the influence and had a large amount of alcohol in his system.”

Y/N nodded slowly, watching Wanda instead of looking at the file. Her eyes were full of kindness, even maybe a little pity, “What happened to the drunk driver?”

“He died in surgery. With the amount of alcohol in his system, the bleeding couldn’t be controlled and the damage was too severe.” Wanda said before continuing, “It was later determined that he was going forty miles per hour over the speed limit and from your statement, he was driving down the wrong side of the road with his headlights off. You didn’t see him coming until it was too late.”

“How bad was it?” Y/N asks softly, picking at her fingers nervously as she listened.

Wanda sighs, flipping through pages of the file on Chief Miller’s desk, “You sustained abdominal bleeding, two fractured ribs, and superficial lacerations that our head of plastic surgery took care of which is why there is no scarring. You made me promise not to call your emergency contacts.” Wanda paused, observing Y/N’s reaction but she was just sitting there nodding, “We took blood samples to cross match your blood so we couldn’t have to keep giving you O-negative blood. Those blood tests showed trace amounts of the hCG hormone. After we took care of the abdominal bleeding, you miscarried from stress. You didn’t know you were pregnant. You asked me to seal the records of the accident and you signed yourself out against medical advice.”

Y/N took a deep ragged breath, looking down at the floor in shock. The writings in the journal were making sense. She could hear Chief Miller and Wanda asking if she was okay but they sounded distant and like they were underwater. Flashes started coming back in her mind of that night. She was driving down the road back to her hotel she was staying at, crying and listening to sad songs on the radio when the crash happened. Y/N put her hand on her chest as her breathing became more erratic, it was like she couldn’t get enough air. She could see Wanda and Miller trying to ask if she was okay and calm her down but their voices were so different and everything around her was swaying. She remembered sitting in a hospital bed and crying over the news and the guilt she felt for leaving the safety of Bucky, “Can’t breathe…” She whispers out, trying to stand slowly from the chair. Y/N remembered the day after it happened, Wanda brought the journals to her hoping it would help to write what she was feeling since she wouldn’t contact anybody. She remembered the grief she felt as well as the shock and pain. This was the reason she didn’t come back to Bucky and avoided him, she didn’t know what to tell him. The world was swaying like she was on a boat and it felt like she was underwater, unable to get air in her lungs or hear the muffled sounds coming from Chief Miller and Wanda. She stumbled around at the room spinning, blinking rapidly before the world around her started fading to black and she fell onto the floor.

——

Steve, Peggy, and Bucky were still all trying to figure out events that lead up to Y/N running away a month before her deployment, trying to think of any clues that would help put the puzzle pieces together.

Steve’s phone starting ringing and he excused himself from the conversation to take the call, “Hello?”

“Hi, this is Doctor Miller, Chief of Surgery over at Brooklyn Mercy. Is this Steve Rogers, Y/N’s brother?”

“This is Steve. Is everything alright?” “Yes, everything is alright. I’m just giving you a call to ask you to come in. Your sister had a pretty serious panic attack and lost consciousness. I think it would be good if you came in.”

“What? Yeah, I’m on my way.” Steve said, walking back into the kitchen, “We have to go, Y/N’s been admitted to the hospital for a panic attack.”

Bucky frowns, “Probably read those damn journals.” He growled out, turning immediately and walking out the front door to his motorcycle and speeding down the road towards the hospital with Peggy and Steve right behind him in their car.

When they arrived at the hospital, Chief Miller was waiting for them at the front doors. He lead them up to the room Y/N was in where she was talking to Wanda with the door closed and crying, pulling an oxygen mask up to her mouth every so often. Bucky looked through the window to the room before noticing that none other than John Walker was standing a little bit away from the room leaning against the wall with a frown. Bucky immediately felt rage consume him, stomping over to John and pushing him against the wall, “What were in those journals?!” He yelled before landing a punch to John’s cheek.

John winced at the hit and pushed Bucky away from him, “She knew about the ring, asshole! She thought you were going to propose that night but instead you broke up with her!”

Chief Miller and Steve quickly pulled the two apart, Miller holding John back while Steve held Bucky back, “That’s not what it was about! Now knock if off before I call security.” Chief Miller said, moving to stand between the men, “Due to her privacy, I can’t tell you what it was but it wasn’t about a ring.”

“She knew about the ring?” Bucky said, wide eyed as he processed the words. No wonder she had been so mad at him and what he had said. She thought she was coming home to a potential proposal and instead he told her if she left to never come back.

Peggy had separated herself from all the testosterone and walked into the room Y/N was in, shutting the door behind her, “I’m Peggy, her sister-in-law.” She told Wanda before she took a seat on the edge of Y/N’s bed, gently taking her head, “Are you okay, honey?”

Y/N shook her head rapidly, keeping the oxygen mask pressed to her mouth and nose as she cried into it. She remembered the pain when Wanda had told her she miscarried and feeling alone due to the fight she had with Bucky. It was the reason she had ran- she didn’t feel like she had a home to go back to and she wouldn’t know what Bucky would think if she told him she had lost their child. All Bucky had wanted was to grow up and have a family with her and she ruined that. Her gaze set on Bucky through the window and she pulled the blanket on her legs up over her head, sobbing loudly underneath the blanket. How could she even look at him knowing what she knew now?

Wanda got up to close the blinds in the window before returning the chair placed next to the bed, “Y/N,” Wanda asks gently, reaching out a hand to rest reassuringly on Y/N’s leg over the blanket, “You’ve dealt with this pain alone for a long time and you’re going through it again like it’s fresh. You should talk to someone about it, you need support.”

Y/N pulled the blanket off her head at the sound of the blinds shutting, looking at Wanda through her blurry tear filled eyes, “I can’t…You… You tell Peggy… I can’t… I can’t.” She sobbed out, dropping the oxygen mask to her lap and putting her face in her hands.

Wanda looks over to Peggy who was eyeing her curiously, “The night of May 14th, 2019 Y/N was brought in after her car was hit by a drunk driver. We took care of all the injuries… But we found out she was about six weeks pregnant. Due to the stress of her injuries and the stress she was already under, she miscarried.”

Peggy’s jaw dropped at the news, slowly looking over to Y/N. She quickly adjusted herself on the bed to scoot closer to Y/N, pulling her into a secure hug and stroking her hair softly, “Shh… It’s okay… I’m so sorry, honey…I’m here…” She soothed gently. It all made sense of why Y/N didn’t come back before she was deployed and why she never talked to Bucky.

Eventually Wanda offered a light sedation for Y/N since she couldn’t stop crying and keep her breathing under control. Y/N drifted off to sleep from the sedative, her mind finally calming but the ache in her body didn’t fade. When she opened her eyes, it was nighttime. She looked over to the window to see Peggy and Steve talking to Wanda and Chief Miller outside of the room. Her attention was take when she felt a soft squeeze of her hand, looking over and seeing Bucky sitting in the chair staring at her with a small smile. The sight of him almost made her break again, pulling her hand out of his grasp and pulling the blanket up over her head to hide from his face.

“Hey, Y/N,” Bucky said with a small frown when she hid away from him under the blanket, “Baby, come on look at me. Talk to me.” He pleaded, trying to pull the blanket away from her face, “What happened, doll?”

Y.N eventually quit fighting the tug of war with the blanket, letting him pull it away from her face. She didn’t meet his gaze though, staring into her lap as tears started to roll down her face. She was amazed she still had any water left in her body to cry, “I can’t… You should go…”

“Fuck that, darlin. I’m not going anywhere when you’re crying.” Bucky told her, moving himself from the chair to sit by her bedside. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, leaning close and kissing her temple softly, “Talk to me, please.”

“I can’t.” Y/N replied, still not meeting his gaze as she shook her head, “I was finally feeling like everything was right in the world… Like I was back where I belonged with you… Safe.” She took in a sharp breath, releasing it slowly, “Now, it’s just all going to be ruined again. We’ll be ruined. You’ll leave.”

Bucky’s frown deepened at her words as scenarios ran through his mind of what Y/N could be talking about, studying her features intently, “No we won’t. I told you that you are the love of my life, Y/N. Nothing is going to change that.” He told her, moving his position to take her face in his hand and forcing her to look at him, “Now talk to me.”

Y/N stared at Bucky for what felt like forever, studying his face. She wondered what would reflect back to her in his eyes when she told him. Right now his eyes were pooled with concern for her but once she would tell him, they knew that concern would leave, “The night we fought… May seventh right?” She watched him nod, “On May fourteenth I was driving and I was hit by a drunk driver. I was taken to a hospital in Queens where I was treated.” She watched the concern grow in his eyes at her words, “I didn’t know I was six weeks pregnant and I lost the baby… Our baby… I would’ve came back if I knew, never left… But after I couldn’t come back to you.”

Bucky’s mouth parted slightly at the words, his eyes moving across the features of her face watching the tears leak down her face. He hadn’t even noticed his own tears starting to fall at the news. Guilt raked through his body at the words he had said that made her leave, put her in that position to get hurt. It would have never happened if he would’ve swallowed his own fear and anger at her deployment. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug, “I’m so sorry, doll.” He said through his own shaky breathes, trying to control his breathing as he cried, “I’m sorry, Y/N. I did this, it’s my fault… I’m so sorry.”

_____________________________________________________________Taglist: @vicmc624 @buckypops @shawnie--jo @ahahafudge @intothesoul @austynparksandpizza @stcrryslibrary

Shout out to @shawnie--jo for having a big brain and guessing correct (:

If I missed anybody on the taglist or you would like to be added, send me a quick message, comment, or ask. Thank you for the support (:

[broadwayandnetflix]

Pick Me Up - Bill Hader x Reader

Theme: Fluff, with some Angst

Warnings: Language, Use of Alcohol

Summary: Bill wakes up in the early hours of the morning with a request to pick up a rather drunken you.

Word Count: 2.4k

A/N: I started this ages ago, I still really dig some of my word usage in this fic. Once again, Maggie Carey and Bill will not be married in this fic. Thanks for dealing with my sporadic fic posting.

It was just supposed to be one drink. Even if you could remember that rule, you were pissed off and needed to forget everything for a while. Just enough for the alcohol to slip into your system and make you feel somewhat fixed for the night.

Except one drink became two, and three, and soon five. I think it’s important to note that you were an incredible lightweight when handling alcohol.

Usually, you’d have a friend by your side, but this bar wasn’t that far of a walk from your apartment. It would almost be quite the resource, but you rarely tended to turn to drink.

Except that is, until you found out that your boyfriend of five years cheated on you. You were crushed, obviously, but you had almost seen this coming. Or maybe you didn’t; it just didn’t seem impossible for him to pull this act on you.

After booking a job as a cast member on the thirty-eighth season of Saturday Night Live, you often found yourself becoming busier than you had ever been. You would frequently come home late and not have enough time for your partner as you had imagined.

Except, Justin had been so understanding. Why wouldn’t he? He was a surgeon at Lenox Hill and would always take night shifts to keep things afloat.

He was charming, kind, and always knew how to surprise you. You could still picture your future wedding and marriage so vividly; he was the man of your dreams, but was he really?

He probably wasn’t when you had found him fucking a random girl senseless in your shared bedroom. That’s beside the point, everything felt floaty and fuzzy, and the bartender looked concerned.

“Want me to call someone for you?” she suggested as she leaned against the counter. One hand flipping a pen, the other sneaking up to the phone beside her on the wall.

Justi-no, just no, you stopped yourself quickly.

You swallowed carefully, looking at her with an emotion swirling within you that you couldn’t quite place. She cocked an eyebrow, just waiting for your answer to flop into her fingertips.

“His name is, um, he’s a friend. Just a friend, yeah, sure. Okay, hmph. His number is-,”

—

He had just gotten to bed finally, or so he had thought, almost perfecting not focusing on the way his breathing was lulling him to sleep. It was way too late for this anyway; he would definitely make a pick me up at the local joe’s the next morning.

That was until he heard a faint buzzing come from his bedside table; he rubbed his eyes with annoyance. At this hour, who the hell was disrupting him was his first thought, that was until he saw an odd number.

Seth had always told him not to accept calls like these, but something didn’t sit right. Hopefully, he was wrong; it could very well be someone ‘butt-dialing’ him.

“Hello?” damn, he sounded gruff, was this new?

“Hi, I’m here with Y/N; she’s currently here with me at April’s Brewery on 16 W 51st street. It’s getting rather late, and we are closing up soon. She said I should call you, Bill, right?” she confirmed, the information twisting around in his drowsy mind.

“Oh, um, yeah, I am. Is Y/N, okay? I mean, yeah, I’m coming as soon as possible.” he stammered, hanging up before she could even speak, rushing out the door, and calling forth a taxicab.

Why did Y/N pick him of all people? He was him, and you were well you! He didn’t even think you were even that close, well, maybe you were. Things between you and him were pretty nice; you could make him laugh like no other. You made his days better, even if it was with something small and not that big in retrospect.

Except then again, wasn’t this Jus-whoever’s job? Your boyfriend’s job to pick you up? Why were you even drinking in the first place? He had many questions.

The cab pulled to a halt, and he paid the necessary change. Giving the driver a tight-lipped smile, he hopped out and made his way into the destination he was given.

The bar looked reasonably deserted at this point. Still, there you sat looking absolutely crushed, or what appeared that way, nursing what seemed to be a glass of something that didn’t quite look like water. Lost in some conversation with the women who he assumed had called him, her eyes catching him in what looked to be a sense of relief.

She had whispered something to you, but instantly you poked your head up. Immediately locking eyes with him, you pulled yourself up, an excited grin dashing upon your lips.

“You came, oh Billy!” you squealed, rushing over to him before slipping, his arms rushing over to hold you up.

Billy? he thought with much amusement and, of course, concern.

“Woah Y/N, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this...” he drew on his words, your head tilting in confusion. 

“I’ve never seen you this drunk,” he admitted finally only to have you burst into a fit of giggles.

“Oh, Billy, you are so fucking funny. Do you know that? You make me laugh so much, like a crazy amount. God, you are so cute!” His eyes widened. Were you cheating? No, no, he couldn’t do this.

“Y/N, sweetie.” he began while sliding the bartender a couple twenties, leading you out the door. Steering the two of you to a nearby pocket of space between the bar and a convenience store.

“You have a boyfriend, I sincerely hope you didn’t forget,” he stated only to see you deflate at the thought.

“No, not anymore, or at least I don’t think so.” you cried the tears coming down faster than he could’ve imagined.

Wait, really? He sure as hell didn’t see this coming; you two had been together for what had appeared to be a long time. Judging by your conversations at work, things seemed to be fine between you two, rusty, but okay.

You shifted your feet, looking anywhere but him, he gulped, taking hold of your quivering hands that tugged at each finger anxiously. Eyes widening, you looked up at him, something settling in your eyes that he couldn’t quite process.

He smiled softly, lifting up his thumb to wipe away your tear stained cheeks. That’s what friends did, right? You sniffed, pulling back a little farther.

“I don’t think I can go back home tonight; Justin cheated on me with someone from his work.” you huffed, feeling everything come back at full swing.

“Oh Y/N/N, come here,” he whispered, beckoning you into his arms. It absolutely crushed him to see you so....broken.

Slowly but surely, you fell into his arms and sobbed quietly. His hands rubbing soothing circles onto your back, whispering sweet nothings to you. Anything to help, god, he hoped he was helping.

“God, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” you choked out after a while, clearing your throat and pulling away from him.

His eyes darting between yours and the way your hands twitched anxiously. The sky now a deep violet speckled in navy clouds, stars peeking out from the city fog to illuminate your surroundings. The neon lights of the convenience store sitting behind you showing just how late it was. The way it hit you all at once, lighting up the way your cheeks were stained from your tears.

He had never really had a chance to tell you how beautiful you were. It wasn’t even like he was trying to start trouble; you just were.

Whether it was in weekly meetings, bright and early, the buzz of the day settling into the cast. He’d notice it, the way your lips curved into that gorgeous grin you always seemed to carry on you. The way you did your hair, how it complimented your features so effortlessly. How your eyes would filter in appreciation of everyone in the room, how you’d stop shortly at his. The crinkle in your eyes, a smile beaming at him, offering a little wink.

Mornings with you were never dull, or at least that’s what he thought. He always knew you were out of his reach, so his heart stayed far from him, like a buoy sinking up and back down into the waves of his consciousness, always there but never willing to commit.

Even now, in your current state, he was in awe of your beauty. Yet, it wasn’t polite to stare, and he had to make sure that you’d get some sleep and a cup of water and painkillers by your side the next morning.

“I have a spare bedroom. Honestly, it’s way too late, and I don’t mind it.” Bill gestured, trying to focus on any signs of protest that could erupt from you.

“O-okay,” you whispered in agreement, rubbing your eyes as fatigue started to settle in. A motion that Bill definitely didn’t miss while he looked you up and down.

He gave a toothy grin before motioning you to follow him, standing before the bustling streets of Manhattan. Even at night, cars buzzed and honked past at moderate speeds. His hand outstretched to catch the attention of taxis, one hand reaching out to take ahold of yours.

It felt nice when he touched your little hands slip into his somewhat larger grasp; it felt normal almost. God, he was such a freak, you just got cheated on. You were just friends, nothing else. Get it together, Hader.

A car pulled close to the curb, and within seconds the two of you settled in. He gave the address and buckled in. You looked rather comfy with your face smudged against the cab window.

He smiled softly, as slowly but surely, you fell asleep. The city blurring around the two of you, bright lights and street signs becoming one. He always admired New York City at night, the way it never really stopped moving. Despite the early hours of the morning, people still bustled amongst the streets.

It was still fairly early into his departure of Saturday Night Live; his face was familiar, but not quite famous like his other costars. He could walk the streets with ease and get stopped only a few times. He didn’t know how long it’d last, but he enjoyed the sense of invisibility he carried.

You, however, were admired by many. Bill could remember your first few days on set, those who were not married or dating setting bets on you. Hader often scoffed at the idea of winning your heart amongst his coworkers, you were a constellation, and he was light-years away. That is until you mentioned that you were dating some doctor, and the competition died down.

Yet every now and then, his stomach would grow a flutter, and his cheeks would blush when you’d lay your head on his shoulder, a familiar friendly feat you’d perform after long hours in 30 Rock. He hated that he crushed someone who was taken; he never once stopped hating himself for that.

The car halted to a stop, Hader’s apartment complex sitting right outside. He eyed the cash monitor for the second time that night. In an instant, he paid the acceptable amount, tipping the driver for good measure. Almost standing up before remembering how you had fallen asleep against the window.

He huffed anxiously, wondering how on earth he would do this. The driver was obviously tired and not pleased with the hold-up between his departure towards his own comfy mattress. Grabbing his stuff, he slipped out of his side before going around to opening your door.

Your figure slumping towards the pavement before he scooped you up in his arms. Internally cursing himself if you were to wake up, and want him to rid you of himself at once. Instead, you peeked one eye open, his body heaving anxiously. Y/E/C peeking up at him in dazed confusion, before murmuring something and nuzzling deeper into his hold.

It was a skill that he hadn’t perfected, getting someone into his house, without making much noise. Not to mention the fact that you were asleep in his arms, chest rising in perfect rhythm. He nudged the cab door closed and made his way up to his apartment door. Victoriously managing to slide his hand out from underneath you and into opening his front door.

Slipping into the building, he quietly kicked the door closed behind him. You only stirred, which promptly stopped him dead in his tracks, before continuing on towards the spare bedroom he owned.

Gently he laid you down onto the bed, your body curling up at the contact of the comfortable mattress. He smiled before digging around to place a blanket over you, fitting it, so you were well adjusted to sleeping.

His heart heavy and mind slowly beginning to beg for sleep, his feet padding towards the door of the guest bedroom. That is until he heard a rustle and a soft murmur escape your lips.

“What was that, Y/N? Did you say something?” he wondered aloud, his eyes trying to adjust towards the room now blanketed in darkness.

“It’s-just, I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore, you know? I’m so tired, though, could you stay until I fall asleep?” you admitted softly, playing with the sheet covers on top of you.

Bill’s eyes widened into the size of saucers; he didn’t see this coming. He shook his head before quickly nodding in your direction; you yawned without much thought and laid back, dozing off.

He stood there absolutely puzzled on what to do, except stare, which was definitely not inappropriate whatsoever. His eyes darting anywhere in the room, but you, he focused on an old rocking chair that his mother gave him when he first moved in.

It looked comfy enough. It would do, if that’s what you wanted, that’s what a friend would do. God, he hoped that’s what a friend would do in this case scenario.

The chair creaked noisily, and he cringed every single time until you stirred once again, thrusting your hand upward into the air. He sat puzzledly until your finger flicked up and down to signal him to join you.

He gulped, “please, Bill, just for tonight?” you said with a slight whimper.

Timidly he shoved the covers outward to create space, sliding into the bed, stiff as aboard. You couldn’t help but murmur something sleepily before rolling over beside him.

He froze, but he couldn’t stay awake forever. Your head now resting upon his chest, curling into his side, you smelled nice. He let you stay put before trying to get situated himself, sleep soon beginning to overtake him.

Friends totally did this, yep, of course, they did, Bill.

[punksarahreese]

Grey | 4 mg Ativan

Nosdecember day 25 | @neworleansspecial

Anxious!Ava; Ava’s comfort sweater

CW: sensory meltdown/overload, dermatillomania mention, self injury stim (hitting)

Merry christmas to anyone who celebrates ❄️💙

***

Ava woke up on this particular day and immediately wanted to go back to bed. Everything felt wrong, slightly off in some way, but she couldn’t figure out why. The first indication that it was going to be a bad day was the overwhelming sense of dread that she felt from being under the plush comforter. Usually blankets helped her feel safe, her favourite place to hide when she was anxious, but this morning she found herself kicking them off in frustration. She was glad Sarah wasn’t in bed at the time because she didn’t want to disturb her, she just needed to get the feeling to go away. She never wore pants to bed for that reason, hating the way things felt against her legs, like she was being constricted. Due to this, pants were a sensory nightmare for Ava but unfortunately they were necessary in everyday life.

She didn’t notice the way she immediately started toe walking on her way to the bathroom, heels never touching the floor. It was a habit she had had since she was a child, never knowing it was a symptom of sensory issues in adulthood, and was the primary cause of her recurrent ankle strains. She hated the way most floors felt and wanted her steps to be as quiet as possible, so she was almost always walking with her weight on her toes. It didn’t stop her from flinching at the feeling of the cold linoleum on her feet though, she hated the way it squeaked when she moved too quickly.

It took her awhile to do her hair, every gentle brush sent little shocks across her scalp, like a million pinpricks. She hated this feeling, the way it made her head fuzzy and feeling like someone was doing acupuncture against her will. It wasn’t supposed to happen, she knew that, but it did and she couldn’t make it stop. She decided that curling her hair wasn’t an option, settling for a quick french braid even though the feeling of her own fingers in her hair made her anxious.

She managed to brush her teeth and wash her face with no issue. The discomfort arose again when she tried to get dressed, though. She crept back to the bedroom, flinching when her braid brushed against her neck in a way that didn’t feel right. That day would be hell, she guessed, unsure of how she would even manage to handle putting on shoes let alone surgical gloves. She had set out a pair of scrubs the night before, folded neatly on top of the dresser, but Ava didn’t even want to pick them up at that point. She managed to pull the offending fabric up her legs, hating the way the scrub pants clung to her hips. She already wanted to cry, frustrated with her own mind for being so dramatic.

Sarah had been in the kitchen, going over case notes from that week and nursing a cup of coffee with way too much Splenda. She was tired, it had been a long four days, and she was looking forward to her day off that Saturday. She still needed to get through Friday first though, but she was waiting on her girlfriend so they could carpool to work. She had heard Ava in the bathroom, assuming she was just getting dressed, but she seemed to be taking longer than usual. The surgeon liked to be punctual so Sarah decided to check on her, intending on reminding her of the elective surgery she had that afternoon.

Sarah wasn’t shocked to happen upon the sight she did, though she felt her heart sink a little. Ava was on the floor in front of their full length mirror, clad in her scrub pants but still topless. The shirt in question was in her hands but she was holding it away from her as if it would bite her, which in Ava’s state of mind the concept was believable. Her girlfriend must have caught her reflection in the mirror because she turned to look at Sarah, frustrated tears welling in her eyes.

The psychiatrist was on the floor with her in seconds, taking the scrub top from her gently. When the hated fabric left her hands Ava couldn’t hold back her tears, shaking out her hands aggressively as if it would help her forget the texture.

“Avey, breathe,” Sarah reminded her gently, knowing she was probably way too far in her head at that point.

“T-too much…”

“I know,” she agreed, gently taking her hand when she saw the way her fists kept clenching and unclenching. That stim usually indicated that Ava’s derma was kicking in, the surgeon trying her hardest to avoid scratching at her skin. When her sensory issues acted up any texture could make her feel like she was covered in bugs, the only remedy her brain could come up with was to scratch until her skin was raw. It didn’t help, usually it only made the bad feelings worse, but in the moment she found it almost painful fight the urge.

“Hey, look at me,” Sarah coaxed her to meet her eyes, “What do you need, Ava?”

“D-don’t know…” Ava mumbled and tried to focus on the soothing feeling of Sarah’s thumb running over the back of her hand, “Need to… w-work.”

“Baby, we both know that won’t be a good idea today,” she replied gently, “This won’t get better if you push yourself.”

Ava huffed, annoyed once again that her sensory disorder was getting in the way of normal life. The last meltdown she had before a surgery had landed her in Goodwin’s office after she was discharged, the other woman chastising her for trying to work while not stable. She was trying to get Ava to agree to occupational therapy, even threatened to suspend her if she had another meltdown; as if Ava could control that. She knew therapy would probably help but she hated the idea of it. She was already seeing Doctor Charles every month, any more would feel suffocating and like she was admitting defeat. She didn’t like appearing weak, even though that’s all she felt as of late.

“S-sweater?”

Sarah nodded, “You want your sweater? I think it’s in the closet.”

The crewneck they were referring to wasn’t even Ava’s, not originally. It was Sarah’s, one from her medical school days, but Ava had immediately taken to it. It was grey, with the school logo in the centre, but it was the softest fabric either of the women owned. It always smelled like Sarah’s perfume, probably because she made sure it did since it kept Ava calm. More often than not it was the blonde who was wearing the thing anyway, affectionately dubbed her comfort sweater or just “her sweater”, it made her feel safer than anything else. Whenever she had a bad sensory day, that sweater was one of the only articles of clothing she could handle. It reminded her of Sarah and that made Ava feel better on even her worst days.

After a few moments, Sarah had coaxed her onto the bed again. She helped her out of her scrubs, knowing the pants would only make her more agitated if she left them on. The second Sarah handed her the sweater she adored so much, Ava pulled it over her head, fingers clinging to the cool-grey fabric tightly. She couldn’t help but smile when she visibly relaxed a bit; it wasn’t much but it was a start.

“I’m going to go call in, okay?” Sarah told her gently, “Then we can sit or take a nap, whatever you need.”

Ava nodded, mind still a little fuzzy. She didn’t feel okay yet, she knew it was never that easy, but the familiar soft fabric helped. She ran her fingers up and down her arm, a repetitive, self-soothing motion that kept her occupied. She was scared to lay down, afraid the invisible bug sensation would return if she tried to get comfortable. So she just stared at the wall, waiting for Sarah’s comforting presence to return.

Unfortunately, something still wasn't right. All of a sudden, a sinking feeling of dread hit Ava again and she felt like she was suffocating. Her hands immediately went to her throat, searching for any exposed skin because she needed to feel in control of something. She stopped herself before she could scratch or pick at the delicate area though, frustrated because she knew if Charles saw any wounds at her next session he would try to up her medication again. She still couldn’t control herself completely, needing to do something to get this horrible feeling to go away. Before she even thought of the consequences, Ava’s hands found her head and she hit herself repeatedly, as if she was trying to beat the thoughts away. This never ended well, knowing self-injury stims were all bad and only fed the anxiety, but she couldn't help it.

“Ava, no,” Sarah’s voice was barely audible to her though, not even noticing her there until she grabbed her hands. Ava tried to fight it, yanking against her hold and whining in both frustration and pain because she felt like she needed to stim like this. Her girlfriend didn’t waver though, holding onto her wrists loosely as she spoke firmly but not in an unkind tone.

“You know I can’t let you hurt yourself, Avey. I’m sorry, just breathe. The urge will pass.”

“No!”

“Ava, my love, look at me,” it took a bit more coaxing before the other woman could make eye contact. She was crying again, upset with herself and completely overstimulated. Everything was way too much and she didn’t know how to stop it. Her head ached from crying and from hitting herself and she was ashamed of her behaviour. She just wanted it to end and she told Sarah that much.

“I know,” she answered carefully, “But hurting yourself doesn’t help anyone. Do you want to lay down?”

After a bit of hesitation, Ava nodded, loosening the tight fists she had her hands clenched in. She let Sarah lay her down, gently tugging on her wrist to let her know she wanted her to stay. She was still crying, cheeks red and she was shaking a little, but Ava wasn’t showing any more anger with herself. She was exhausted and probably well on her way to a shutdown, so Sarah wanted to make sure she was as comfortable as possible.

“Is this okay?” Sarah asked carefully as she laid on her side of the bed, keeping space between them initially so she didn’t overwhelm Ava.

There was a lull in any response, leaving Sarah unsure if Ava was going nonverbal or just trying to think before she answered. Ava did turn her head to look at her, reddened eyes blinking rapidly to force herself to focus. Her girlfriend gave her a reassuring smile, which widened when she reached for her hand.

“B-blanket?”

“Which one do you want, love?”

Sarah was confused when Ava shook her head, “No.”

“No?”

Another tug on her wrist and a mumbled, “You,” made Sarah understand, unable to stifle a small laugh. Ava had a weighted blanket for situations like this, where she was overwhelmed and needed to feel secure. The gentle pressure did help sometimes but she often complained that the beads inside it dug into her skin or the silky blanket was too cold. Sarah knew Ava just preferred to have her be her “blanket” instead, calmed by the close contact and even pressure of Sarah laying on her. She never complained of course, anything to make her girlfriend feel better; besides, it was comfortable for her too.

Climbing across the mattress, Sarah giggled when Ava tugged her down. She teased her for being impatient, settling down on her girlfriend so she wasn’t putting too much weight on her in one spot. She felt Ava relax a little under her, cold hands snaking under her Gaffney fleece to keep warm and also hold Sarah closer.

“Better?”

Ava nodded slowly, breathing out as if she was trying to regulate herself again, and offering Sarah a weak smile. Sarah just leaned down to kiss her cheek gently, reassuring her that she was doing well. The blonde did feel better, though there was still that nagging anxiety in the pit of her stomach. That wouldn’t go away for a while, she knew that, but being with Sarah did help. When her girlfriend rested her head on her shoulder, drawing repetitive patterns over the soft grey fabric covering her side, Ava felt safe. Slowly she relaxed enough to let her eyes fall shut, exhausted from the sensory overload that had decided to plague her before the day even began.

“Take a rest, baby,” Sarah said softly, “I’m not going anywhere.”

[mychemicalficrecs]

Hiya! Not sure if you do this, but would you be able to suggest some non-ao3 finished frerard fics? It seems I've read ao3's entire collection 😅 Thank you so much, you're honestly my favourite blog on here xx

Thanks for your kind words, Nonny! And... congratz on reading the entire ao3 tag, there are a lot of works there :D

Frank/Gerard is such a popular ship that I was actually able to find quite a lot from outside ao3.

Non-AO3 Frank/Gerard

Thing-Thing by sinsense, 43k, NC-17. When Gerard signed the admissions paperwork for the Fordhaven School for Boys, he knew he was signing up for four years of sexual frustration. No one was gay at Fordhaven. Gerard was all-too-aware that he would be a virgin until he graduated. In his senior year, though, this stupid gay freshman disproves Fordhaven's straightness, and throws Gerard's entire world off-kilter. Now, in between drawing, avoiding bullies, running an incredibly serious tabletop RP game, failing out of math, and hanging out with friends, Gerard is also busy kind of falling for this asshole who's way too young for him. It's not what he planned on, but it's what's happening. In conclusion: high school sucks.

I Think I Thought (I Saw You Try) by thatsfinewithus, ~3,000, NC-17. Welcome to some weird AU world in which Gee only does awesome comics and Frank is a vampire.

They Came From Outer Jersey! by thatsfinewithus, 25k, R. New London Fire is an elite fringe government force assigned the task of protecting the earth from some of its more interesting threats: those from beyond the atmosphere or even the universe. They've handled dangerous cases before, but they've never seen anything like...ZOMBIES FROM SPACE. Vampires, long hunted in lore and legend, are now the earth's only saviors. There is little information as to who sent the creatures until Mikey Way, head of the NLF, finds out more by being abducted. Is it too late for him? Is it too late for the earth? Find out how six vampires, one government general, and one frustrated comic book artist save the earth in...THEY CAME FROM OUTER JERSEY!!

I never told you what I do for a living. by not0_fuckin_kay, 60k+, PG-13 to NC-17. Frank Iero, male nurse at Pete Wentz's private hospital and possibly more to one new patient he can't keep his eyes off of. When a new pateint is brought in with amnesia, just days before Christmas, and with nothing but the clothes on his back and a strange drawing, it's left to Frank to find out who he is and what happened to him. When he does, it changes Frank's life forever, as he's thrust into love and health scares he never thought would complicate his life. This is the story of how he tries to make it through, juggling his job and his love-life and just trying to make things better. With Patrick the doctor, Bob the ward supervisor, Travis the unlikely therapist, and Mikey, the sometimes wannabe homicidal geek.

Of All The Hidden Corners by moneyes, ~44K, PG-13. An epic, adventurous tale filled with alternate universes, lords, mischief, magical powers, snark, boyfriends, and luck of the bad kind.

All We Are by lightisbreaking, 21k, R. Set in the future, where humans are on the brink of evolution. For the select few born with a special awareness of their own minds - an awareness which gives them abilities beyond the norm, life is suddenly a very dangerous thing. Frightened of what this could mean, the government set out to make this new race of humans extinct, telling the public that these people are mentally unstable defectives and must be kept under observation for the safety of the public. All of this brings together a rather odd troupe of people, hiding from the government and eventually having to protect one of their own when he's taken into custody. Superpowers AU!

Tell Us a Story by bexless, imogenedisease, 32k, NC-17. The world as these kids know it is ending, and Gabe Saporta is throwing the party. High school AU based on the movie Can't Hardly Wait.

Stay Right Here by idktbh, swagneto, 28k, R. Frank is involved in an accident which renders him paralyzed from the waist down. When Frank begins to withdraw into himself, his relationship with Gerard crumbles and the band faces the hardest decision they'll ever make: whether to continue playing or not. This is a story about how MCR copes with the biggest obstacle of their career so far.

Return to Spirit Lake by inpurity, 22k, R. Gerard Way has left Spirit Lake when he was eighteen to study to become a veterinary surgeon, and with no intention of ever coming back. Twelve years later he is back, carrying secrets of a life spent away from his family and friends, and the weight of a dark, painful sorrow. His old home town has not changed, but his life, and the lives of the people he will meet along the way, will never be the same.

These Friday Night Lights by faux-disco-sins, 21k, PG-13. Gerard is the head cheerleader and wears the cheer skirt, Frank is on the football team, Pete is the school mascot, Ryan is the school’s hobo journalist, Jon does photography for the yearbook, Spencer and Patrick are in the marching band, Gabe and Ray are AV techs who do a ESPN spin-off for the school, Bob is the big scary lineman, and Mikey tries to fit in while ignoring the fact that his older brother is wearing a skirt in public.

Of Love And Superpowers by mcrnut, 20k, NC-17. Seventeen year old Frank Iero is in his last year at Mutant High. He has a couple of good friends, is doing okay in school and even though he has some issues with his Mother, life is pretty great. That is, until one day, when he overhears some of the professors talking about the well-known Anti-Mutant organization HSA and how they have already broken into two Mutant Academies and are heading their way. Frank and his friends have to stick their heads together and try to solve the mystery, and as if Frank didn't have enough to think about already, he finds himself falling for his friend's older brother, Gerard.

Cypress Grove by slashxyouxup, 24k+, NC17. My Chemical Romance fight off a town of sperm hoarding, men hating, PMSing maniac women in order to save themselves from certain doom! Also, Frank and Gerard get closer than close while pretending to not be completely in love with each other. Mikeyway is not amused.

Sleepwalker by lyrical_tragedy, 73k, NC-17. Frank Iero is one of the best cops in New Jersey so it’s only natural that his boss dumps a seemingly unsolvable case on him and his colleague Bob Bryar. With no leads whatsoever Frank enlists the help of Gerard Way, a reclusive young man who experiences strong visions and dreams of events from the past and visions of the future. However, none of them could ever begin to expect the terrifying chain of events that come into play once they delve deeper into the unknown, questioning Frank’s very beliefs on what the world actually holds. A story of visions, sacrifices, over protective brothers and love all in the midst of the attempted destruction of the world. The devil’s got your number and he will come calling, until it’s nothing more than hell on earth.

Patience Is A Virtue (You Might Be Good Looking, But You Can’t Sleep With Yourself Tonight) by eflorentino, 22k, NC-17. Frank Iero’s biggest hero is Gerard Way; the outspoken, obnoxious lead singer of the multi-platinum selling band My Chemical Romance. His world changes completely when he finds himself suddenly shoved into the limelight, playing sell-out shows every night and earning more than his usual $6 an hour. However, the infamously homophobic frontman isn’t what Frank expects, and after mixed signals and unsolved revelations he learns that, with Gerard Way, things are never simple.

But Nobody Cares If You're Losing Yourself by red_ones_fly, 16k, NC-17. It took me a while to work out that there was something wrong with Gerard, he kept it hidden well and, really, he didn’t even know something was wrong with him. To him it seemed like normal, everyday stuff. He never found any of his behaviour out of the ordinary. To him it was just reality.’ After Gerard's grandma passes away his behaviour becomes strange. He becomes less outgoing and more paranoid. As Frank tries to work out what’s going on with his friend/love interest, between school, learning psychology and dealing with the jocks, he doesn’t realise just how bad it is.

Parks and Recreation by vinvy, 35k+, PG-13. Gerard Way is an art school drop out with no prospects, student loans to pay off, and a dead end job. His mother works too hard and his little brother Mikey is keeping secrets. His boss runs shady contracts and smiles too much. It's nothing special and he tells himself that he'll learn to make peace with that- in the meantime he's got to carve out a living that doesn't involve artwork. Really, he's going to be okay. Then a crazy homeless kid comes along and screws up Gerard's Adventures in Normal Employment with his hippie magic and soulless eyes. Gerard can't shake the feeling that this guy "isn't quite right" but he's too busy fending off the freak accidents that are following him around to worry about that particular winged freak.

Empire Boys by noctecaelum, 30k, NC-17. In the city that never sleeps, it's tough to get your foot in the door. While Gabe Saporta may find it easy to blend into the socialite scene; Gerard Way spends his day blending eyeshadow at Bloomingdales. As newcomer Frank triumphs in Women's Lingerie, Gerard sparks a bitter rivalry in the vicinity of Lexington and 59th; but there's no use crying over spilt coffee because things are about to fire up. Meanwhile, on the Upper East Side, Gabe Saporta is none too pleased to read a socialite-bashing article, but when confronting the writer, he doesn't expect to meet fresh faced, pretty-boy William Beckett, who turns out to be the biggest tease this side of the Downtown Dunkin' Donuts.

The Evolution Index by theficisalie, 32k, NC-17. In a world where superpowers are just another thing that can get you sent to boarding school, Frank Iero and his friends know what it's like to operate under heavy levels of stress. After all, they did spend their formative years under the wings of the United States Government's most widespread and successful initiatives; a program that was created to protect and train young Americans with superpowers to become functioning members of society. And, as a side-benefit, the government realized that not only were telepaths great at taking drink orders, but they could also be trained to be highly successful secret agents. Under the guidance of Frank's volatile and (literally) power-hungry boyfriend Gerard Way; Frank, Mikey Way, and Ray Toro are an accomplished team of super spies. When a handful of people from Frank's sordid past crop up during an investigation of rash Superhuman disappearances across the country, the team finds themselves challenged both on and off the field as they fight to solve the mysteries plaguing their beloved nation. Frank knows all too much about uncovering things that he'd rather keep hidden, but can he and his team unravel the intricate web of crime and kidnapping surrounding Chicago without losing themselves in the process?

A Good Ocean Gone Wrong by xoxxblitz7, 32k, NC-17. Titanic AU - The Way's are one of the richest families in America and sometimes being an artist requires the need to travel. On the doomed maiden voyage of Titanic old friends are found, new love is formed and put to the test and the most luxurious crossing of the Atlantic ocean becomes a fight for survival.

A Fanfiction (In Which Gerard Has A Secret Stash of Star Wars Fanfiction) by sparklefap, 10k, R. Frank finds Gerard's bizarrely erotic Star Wars fanfiction, and is both disturbed and aroused by it. Those feelings won't do for Frank. He seeks revenge.

[justimajin]

Catching a Case of the Doctor Blues ⌠Part 15⌡

⇢ Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

⇢ Genre: Fluff, Comedy, Angst

↳ (4.1k) Doctor/Surgeon AU, Enemies to Lovers AU

⇢ Summary: When asked about Dr. Kim, a string of beautifully aligned words are ready spew from your lips. You could possibly go on and on about how his wonderful stubbornness wasn’t similar to talking to a brick wall, or how his observation skills were especially great in preparing your blood vessels for a drastic rupture or even how one gracious stare of his nearly had you on the verge of ripping your essential documents in half. But it seems that, perhaps, there was a lot more to Dr. Kim then what meets the eye…

⇢ Warnings: ^~^

⇢ Moodboard Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14

⇢ Updates every Tuesday - next update

The poor piece of brick wall directly in front of you is the target of your agony today when you continuously contemplate burying your face into it and screaming for the whole entire world to hear. The thought, although as wonderful it sounds, is dismissed the moment you hear the familiar rubber wheels turn to your place and you’re left with only taking a deep exhale for any form of comfort in that single moment.

For you were going to head out today.

No, it wasn’t for work.

No, it wasn’t for spending a day out with a friend.

You were going on a date.

The moment the word is even spoken inside your mind you feel like its weight is similar to an anchor. You know you shouldn’t be this terrified of the idea, but the specific person that requested this day with you is what has you feeling like you must just combust.

The fact that Dr. Kim, your long term co-worker and recently turned friend, has expressed interest in you is the reason causing your reaction.

But Dr. Kim has already come to terms with his own feelings and the terrifying part in all this for you now is...

Do you feel the same way?

A honk sounds out and your thoughts float away, turning to see your ride was conveniently parked outside. You’re forced to caste away all the anxious voices ringing inside your head that this was a bad idea when you get closer to his car.

Upon getting closer, you notice that he’s dressed in his typical Gucci attire– a brown ruffled turtle-neck paired with dark jeans. A long black trench coat covers him from the cold outside and it feels like there’s something incredibly off about him, but it right then that it falls onto you like a boulder striking its target.

H-His glasses…

You’ve never noticed how intense his eyes actually are, always covered behind the shards of glass and sealed away. They’re almost feline-like, having a subtle dark glint in them but curved to uttermost perfection.

If someone told you right in that moment that the man before you was a doctor and not a model, you would have straight up laughed into their face.

Although the change is different, it’s certainty not nice for you as your mind goes into a frenzy from seeing him like this. Your heart is furiously thumping against your chest and you quickly break any eye-contact once you slip into your seat.

“Dr. L/N?” He asks when he begins turning onto the road. You hum in response and he eyes you oddly, “I’m not one to judge anyone’s personal hobby, but why were you staring at a wall?”

You’re left speechless for a moment and he bursts out laughing, in which you jolt back at even hearing him produce such a sound.

You’ve heard Dr. Kim laugh before, but his laughter was always restrained in such a matter that you had to carefully listen in otherwise you would lose glimpses of it easily. However, hearing it now, a full loud vibrant laugh that sounds like pure music to your ears, you wonder why he was never laughing like this. Perhaps it was because of the work environment you were in or perhaps it was because he simply didn’t like to laugh.

Or perhaps he had forgotten how to.

He glances over at you, white pearls all out in a ginormous grin and you can almost feel your heart stopping at the amount of ecstasy he radiates, “Relax Dr. L/N.” He coaxes, a knowing smile on him and your eyes widen, “I’m not bringing you with me because I want you to be scared.”

“I’m not scared…” You mumble, meekly letting out the white lie.

He raises a brow, stretching his arm over and you flinch, “Not scared?” He questions again and your already cursing at yourself for reacting in such a way.

“It’s just…” You sigh, “This was so sudden.”

“I know, but think of it as just getting the chance to go somewhere on your day off.”

Phew, thankfully he didn’t call it a da-

“But it is a date.” He chuckles to himself when your flustered with the word’s usage.

“You really see me in that way?”

It’s hard to consider he would be even interested in you, after all your occupation never left you anytime to think about relationships.

He hums, “You just never noticed.”

You blink your eyes, his words echoing inside in your mind when the car comes to an abrupt halt. You glance over at where exactly you were and suddenly you’re left in a state of pure awe when the delicate pink petals flutter down onto his car.

You turn around with surprise written over your features and he smiles before gesturing you to get out of the car.

Multiple trees are lined up in the park and are decorated with the blossoms as the breeze gently causes them to cascade down onto you. The ground is nowhere to be seen, completely drenched with the petals and your feet are instantly submerged when you attempt to walk forward.

It’s magnificent.

On the inside, you had continuously wondered if you would ever get the opportunity to witness the precious memory engraved from your childhood, but now the gratitude endlessly flows at you when you attempt to quickly blink away the sparks of water being to collect.

A tender smile is on your lips, “How did you find this?” You whisper to the doctor slowly trailing behind you as he watches you with amusement.

He deeply inhales, “It took a while, but I eventually found out that Seoul did have some secret spots for cherry blossoms.” He carefully treads through the piles of blossoms, “They have there own festivals too but none of them are going to be any time soon, so I thought I bring you here myself instead.”

“It’s…incredible.” You breathe out, “They seem just like the ones I would have seen as a kid.” The petals flutter down onto the base of your hands and a small giggle escapes from you from the smooth, fluffy texture tickling your skin.

He doesn’t respond however, somber eyes latching on you when the laughter bubbling out of you is too recognizable. Other individuals watching the blossoms emerge from behind you and he’s left with sole silence when a pair of children, a boy and a girl, are seen innocently playing with the collected piles on the ground.

“V stop!” You’re being attacked by cherry blossoms from every corner, the mischievous young boy not backing down. Another wave of them heads straight for you and you begin to find your tied up hair messy with the petals.

He’s laughing at the mere sight, watching you get buried within the pink residue and seemingly camouflaging yourself within it. A hand pulls out from the mess, grabbing onto his small one instantly and dragging him inside with a snicker.

His small protests are trampled upon the abundance of petals and you soon attack him back with the flourish collected in your hands. He throws them back as well; laughter being mixed in with the petals when all he can see is you.

Your laughter, your happiness.

He never wants to leave his friend ever alone again.

The image distorts, retracting instantly at the thought and suddenly the boy is left in the field of petals alone, lost eyes searching for his dear friend.

“Dr. Kim?”

He’s snapped back into reality, blinking when the children are seen running off elsewhere with their blossom adventures and he remains planted on the surface of the ground.

He turns around to see you, brows furrowed and head tilted at how he suddenly spaced out when you were talking to him but he brushes it all off. He raises his hand, gently caressing one of your cheeks in it and you’re taken back from the warmth reflecting off of his eyes, “Dr. L/N.” His voice is laced within a gentle, comfortable tone and it immediately grabs your attention.

He moves his hand away from your cheek, reaching down to hold both of your hands within his, “I brought you here,” He looks up, eyes tracing the full branches above you two, “because I wanted an answer from you.”

“An answer?” Your voice comes out too low, his words not registering within you.

“Dr. L/N,” He bites at his lip, eyes trained on the ground before they lift up to bore into your own and the look he gives you is enough to snatch your breath away, “I’m in love with you.”

For a moment, everything around you freezes over. The fluttering cherry blossoms silently fall down, the breeze in the background doesn’t feel as cool anymore and the laughter of the children subdues. The thumping of your own heart halts and you feel like you’ve lost all will to breathe anymore.

You continue to look at him, watching his eyes carefully trace around your features for any reaction, but you remain stuck in the same place.

“W-what?” You manage to croak out when a soft smile still remains on him.

“I’m in love with you.” He whispers it out so affectionately and that’s when it actually sinks in.

Your heart rate now dramatically accelerates and your thoughts are blurred at the simple use of the words Dr. Kim retaliates to you. It feels like a huge weight has dropped onto your shoulders. “I-I..” You want to muster up some courage to give him a response and yet the words seem to dissolve the moment you try to utter them.

“You don’t have to say it back.” You glance at him surprised but flinch when you notice the distraught emerging in his eyes from your delayed response.

It isn’t simple though. Especially when you haven’t come into term with your own feelings.

But you have eyes. You can see that he cares for you when you come into work and a helpful dose of caffeine is settled there for you. You can see that he cares for you when he handles some of your work so you can rest for a moment. You can see he cares for you within your mixed banters and how he’s willing to help if you ever need him.

You can see he cares when he brought you here, knowing how much you wanted to see the cherry blossoms.

He deserves an answer from you.

“D-Dr. Kim.” You begin, voice attempting to become firmer, “I’m not sure how exactly I feel.” It’s an honest answer. “I have seen you as a friend, ever since we started working together, but…” You sigh, looking directly at him, “I know I have these feelings for you that are probably more than what I would have for just a friend.”

His disappointed eyes flicker immediately and you smile. It was extremely difficult to come to terms with this uneasy answer from you but when Dr. Kim had requested for you to come with him, you had started investing into how you even felt about him. Especially when the ‘date’ word kept coming up into use.

But he isn’t just a friend. You don’t have the same feelings you would have for someone like Yoongi or Jimin, individuals that you consider to be close allies. It isn’t enough to explain the booming curiosity that dwells inside of you when you catch a subtle glance at the man and are stuck in the pursuit of interest to know what was exactly going on inside his mind. It isn’t enough to explain how you subconsciously want to be near him, drawn to the fact that a simple smile from him had you bursting into waves of amazement. 

“And…” You sigh, “Seeing you as a friend after this is going to be hard.” A light chuckles passes through your lips and he smiles.

Lacing your fingers with his own, he leans down so that your foreheads are touching, “Then will you still stay with me?”

“As a f-friend?” You stutter, the heat still being evident on your cheeks.

He shakes his head, strands of his brown hair softly brushing against your forehead, “More than that.”

You bite your lip, still contemplating about everything, but he continues to gaze in your eyes and you wonder being with him wouldn’t be something truly so horrible. In fact, looking back at his eyes now just makes you feel like you’re doing something right, that staying with him...was right. 

You take a deep breath, finally landing on an answer, “I'll stay with you.” You reach out to squeeze his hands and he smiles.

“You should know that I won’t let you go away so easily...” His words instantly bring a deep red flush onto you and he lightly chuckles at the appearance of it.  

The sweet smile and the deep blush never once leaves your features.

Becoming a couple shouldn’t be so taxing. After all, if you have feelings for someone than staying by their side should be quite simple if anything.

But that is definitely not the case for you.

You assume its because the transition of seeing Dr. Kim from an extremely negative light to a now glorified positive light was an intense change, for the doctor was your sole source of complete hatred to which now he’s…

You can’t even explain it.

You can’t explain how every time he shows his face in your shared office, small butterflies start blooming from the pit of your stomach to how when he talks to you, all you can do is not panic about how his eyes are tenderly gazing at you.

It is too taxing, having to deal with seeing someone you care about but needing to keep it behind the curtains so you can conduct yourself in the same professional manner you have always done.

And here is where the tricky part dips in as well.

You and Dr. Kim had agreed that for the sake of your careers, no one in the hospital is know about your new relationship. It would be completely disastrous to control all the potential commotion and so it was decided to maintain a certain level of distance from each other at all times during work.

Although this system isn’t at all flawed, it arises many instances where even the mere brushing of your hands has you almost screaming, to the point where you begin to ponder if this relationship was so good to have in the workplace.

A wonderful instance of this can be today for example – a fine bright, early morning in the hospital as you are currently organizing the notes you had scribbled down for Namjoon in his absence. He has luckily returned, releasing you and Dr. Kim from the confines of his office and allowing you to get back into the same routine you had initially established.

However it feels strange not seeing Dr. Kim around you constantly and you dare even say that you missed working alongside him.

But this isn’t enough to stop said doctor, especially when he uses any possible opportunity to interact with you.

As you’re waiting for Namjoon to arrive at the office, you start placing down the papers on his desk for him to go over. In the midst of this process, the door opens and closes, causing you to assume Namjoon has returned.

You smile, “Namjoon I-“ Your words instantly die out once you see the familiar patch of blonde hair at the door with some papers in his hand. He strolls over to where you are standing and smiles.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” He places his own notes on the table and you’re already subtly tinting pink.

There was another particular issue you were also dealing with and that was attempting to get used to the fact that you were in this relationship with Dr. Kim. Every single time you seem him, the professional exterior you have dissipates and suddenly you’re freaking out.

Everything was moving too fast...and you weren’t being able to keep up. 

You shake the horrible thought in your head but can’t help and wonder how this was going to affect your work if you’re constantly left in a flustered state.

“Are you alright?” He slips his fingers in between yours and the simple action is already causing you accelerated panic, your breath quickening and eyes darting everywhere.

You frantically nod, letting go of his hand and abruptly rushing out the office when the blood rushes to your face all too fast. 

However, Dr. Kim is incredibly observant.  

He watches your back disappear from his sight when a frown sits on his lips at your abrupt actions. 

An idea suddenly sparks inside his head and a smile tugs at the corner of his lips. 

“Psst.”

The sound reaches no one’s ears, left floating in the air.

“Pssttt.”

Still no response.

“PSSSST!”

The doe boy’s eyes light up, glancing at the door, “Are you calling me Dr. Park?”  

Jimin wants to face-palm at the question, “Yes! Now get over here, will you?!”

Jungkook frowns, but obliges when he rises up from his seat, “Did you need something?”

Jimin shakes his head, gesturing for the young intern to follow him as he walks. Jungkook simply follows, confused at his superior actions until his eyes finally land on a familiar office.

“Why are we at Namjoon’s office?” The boy innocently asks but Jimin plants a finger to his lips, hushing him down.

“Just watch.” Jungkook still remains confused and he turns to see what the commotion is about. The office seems to be void of anyone until he sees you stepping inside with some papers.

The entire action is natural. And he doesn’t see the big deal.

Then Dr. Kim also enters, with roughly the same amount of documents in hand.

Again, completely normal.

“Dr. Park, what are you-“ Jimin shushes him down again, still pointing towards the office.

A couple of minutes pass by, no one opting to leave the office. If the two of you did indeed have documents then you would have been out in a jiffy without having to do much. But times still goes by slowly and then finally the door creaks open.

With a flustered you, covering your face as you quickly exit the office.

Jungkook’s eyes enlarge, especially when the second doctor appears and seems to be in a reasonably good mood as he mindlessly smiles to himself before leaving.

The whole situation dies down and Jungkook turns to look at his doctor counterpart when the engines in his mind start to turn. “Did you see that?” Jimin whispers.

Jungkook nods, “I don’t know. Maybe they were arguing and Dr. Kim won…?”

“No!” Jimin exclaims, “Clearly there’s something going on between them!”

“Dr. L/N and Dr. Kim?” Jungkook frowns yet Jimin furiously nods.

“I’m sure of it!”

“I don’t know….” Jungkook mumbles, “I think we should just leave them alone.”

“Oh Kookie,” He places an arm around his intern, “It’s at moments like this where you run towards the scandalous situation, not away from it.”

Jimin quickly gestures for the intern to follow and he hesitantly listens.

Your mind is bubbling with too many thoughts of a particular person and there’s no switch that you can use to shut it all down when you try to work. Although being in this relationship is remarkable, you wish you could control the way you would absolutely crumble around Dr. Kim and at how your professionalism gets tossed outside the window.

You need to get a hold of yourself.

The door behind you creaks and you suspect Jin has probably arrived but once again, you are proven wrong.

“Dr. Kim?” You’re not alarmed at seeing him, but more so how he quietly closes the door and then locks it before facing you.

“Are you feeling alright?” He question but his voice is neither low nor gentle, the voice you are trying to get used to, instead sounding prickling when he sends you a piercing gaze.

“Y-Yes.” You hate how you always manage to stutter around him.

“Thank god.” He scoffs and you raise an eyebrow at that, “I wouldn’t want you to get sick again, after the disaster that was trying to take care of you.”

Your jaw drops at that and you wonder if you heard him right, but then a clear layer of arrogance starts to emit from him and you’re baffled at seeing it emerge after so long,  “Excuse me?”

“You know what I’m talking about.” He walks closer to you, a confident stride in his steps as he narrows his eyes at you, “Who even acts like that when they’re sick?”

You don’t understand why he’s bringing this up now, but you suppose that the feelings must have been deeply rooted inside him and are flourishing out in the moment. “…are you implying the day you had visited me?”

“Of course I’m implying that day.” He huffs out, “When I wanted to check up on you and you were acting like a complete lunatic.”

A cord instantly snaps, “A lunatic!? I was sick!”

“You know, most people don’t jump around and act crazy when they’re sick. Be grateful I even stayed to make you soup.” His words are slicing through the air like a knife and you are boiling on the inside.

Sarcasm falls into your voice when it aggregates and increases in volume, “My gosh you made soup for me.” You walk closer to him until you’re directly staring into his eyes, “Thank you so much for being considerate!”

“And besides,” Your teeth grit as you hold your tall stance, “it was cold.”

“Then why did you eat it?” He taunts.

“Because I was hungry! And you decided that apparently it was okay to stay for the night.”

“You were the one to drag me inside!”

You’re practically yelling at this point but you don’t even care, “YOU COULD HAVE REFUSED!”

“YOU DRAGGED ME INSIDE.” His eyes are suddenly lit with fire, “YOU SPILLED TEA ON ME.” The last part causes his features to scrunch up, “YOU EVEN SNEEZED ON ME!” He roars out. “DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE MY SHIRT WAS?!”

“WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE COME IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

“MAYBE I SHOULDN’T HAVE!”

You are fuming; veins filled with adrenaline as your face is coloured with a violent shade of red. He’s the same way as you are and the atmosphere dips into a clean cut silence when no one speaks.

You are completely at loss with what is exactly going on, but you receive a split indication when a smile tugs on him.

“Do you feel better?” His voice is back to the way it usually is now with you – gentle. However, you can’t seem to brush off the aggressive tone he was using just a couple of minutes ago.

“What…?” You question.

“Are you feeling better now?” He briefly chuckles, “Less nervous?”

Your face falls and he walks towards you, carefully holding your hand as the anger is still reigning high on you. “I make you nervous…don’t I?”

Your eyes widen.

He had noticed?

“I-I..”

A wistful sigh escapes from him, “If this is going at a pace that you don’t like, then feel free to just yell at me every once in a while.” He smiles, “Go back to the good old days if its too much.” 

“I’m sorry...” You whisper and he’s startled for a moment, before shaking his head.

“Don’t be, it’s okay to be ner-“

“Not about that.” You look down in shame, “Your shirt…”

Immediately he frowns, but it fades away. “Don’t be concerned about that either.”

“Is that why you went to go do laundry?” He grimaces but nods.

You raise a suspicious eyebrow, “Was this really calming my nerves?” You inch closer to him, “Or were you just trying to get back at me for that day?”

A smirk flashes out from him, “Both.”

You roll your eyes but can’t stop the small smile that decorates your lips. To be honest, yelling at him makes you feel a lot better than attempting to return his affectionate gestures but you hope that in time you can get used to it.

He reaches out to unlock the door and tugs on it, but suddenly two familiar faces come tumbling out with panicked looks.

“U-Uh…we were just t-talking outside!” Jimin exclaims as the young intern attempts to bury his red face within the seams of his coat.

You and Dr. Kim glance at each other for a split second, before the both of you are left doubling over when the laughter bubbles out. 

[s0ftkwan]

doctor!seokjin

a long overdue doctor seokjin for an adorable anon!! thank you for requesting hon

- you were known as the strict mother superior head nurse of the hospital you were working at

- or people would simply call you mother superior

- don’t get me wrong you weren’t old or anything!!

- you were just really professional stick to the book kind of person

- people would actually be kind of scared of you?

- whenever you had new interns or rookie nurses under your care, you had the tendency to be a little strict with them

- you held very minimal conversation with your patients, instead you did you actual job and that was to take care of them

- even when you passed down the hallway, nurses, patients, and even some doctors bowed a full 90 degrees at you and refused to meet your eye

- except a certain doctor jung who always greeted you with a ridiculously big smile and a hug

- secretly you loved it though bc dr jung is one of your favorites

- but you were a very highly respected and sought-after nurse

- doctors loved working with you as their assisstant because you were always fast and efficient

- a lot of patients liked you and surprisingly most of them were young kids?? and you didn’t even know why

- there was this one kid who usually went to the hospital for regular blood tests

- he absolutely refuses to go unless you were the one handling him

- whenever he sees you in the hospital he just grins widely and runs up to you and hugs your legs

- and he goes like “nurse y/n! nurse y/n!!!” in a really cute voice and ugh it makes you so soft but you gotta be professional

- so u simply pat his head and you do your regular tests with him while he chats with you its cute honestly

- a lot of the nurses and interns are actually quite intimidated by you except for nurse jungkook

- you were childhood friends and you graduated from the same school except he was a year younger than you

- when he got assigned to your hospital, the other nurses were shocked that this rookie was teasing mother superior

- he just came in one day like “guess who graduated nursing y/n you little sht”

- people around him said a silent prayer for him like “rip goodbye jeon jungkook it was nice knowing you for like .5 seconds”

- but to their surprise you rolled your eyes and simply punched him in the shoulder like “ok you piece of trash get to work”

- from then on jungkook was known as the golden nurse because people actually thought that he was your favorite nurse

- he wasn’t but he was a close second to nurse park jimin but shh

- Anyways

- theres this new doctor

- his name is doctor kim seokjin

- you’ve heard of him before but who hasnt??

- he’s well known throughout the country as a surgeon prodigy and genius

- he’s skilled in his specialty which is cardiology

- and he was also known for being incredibly handsome

- when you first heard news of him being transferred to your hospital, you actually got quite nervous

- you admired his work (and his face) and respected him quite a lot so you were a bit anxious to meet him

- to your surprise though, he wasn’t as perfect as you thought but he was still handsome

- turns out, he was a massive flirt and a major jerk

- when the hospital’s chief was introducing him to all the staff of the hospital, he came down to you and introduced you as one of the hospital’s best nurses

- you felt your ego rise but it was quickly crushed when dr kim smirked and said

- “i’ve never once met a nurse who could satisfy me”

- you swore you felt your blood boil a bit

- the rest of the nurses and doctors including dr jung and jungkook thought they could literally see the steam coming out of your ears and expected you to explose

- all you did however was quickly take his hand in a firm handshake and smile with gritted teeth

- “i’ll be sure to change that doctor kim.”

- you said with a fake smile

- from then on, you’ve been constantly assissting the doctor in his surgeries

- not out of wanting to work more with him, but wanting to prove him wrong

- if in every surgery with any doc you made sure to give your 100%, you gave a like 10000% percent with dr kim because you wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine

- while you knew he was a total dick, you couldn’t deny his talent though

- he had a lot of precision, a good eye, and very steady hands

- you were always sure that the patient was in good hands with dr kim

- one day, you noticed he hadn’t come into work but you ignored it

- you were actually happy to not see his annoyingly pretty face for once

- but then it continued for two more days, and then three and then you finally got worried

- through bribing dr ken, who you knew was dr kim’s good friend, you managed to find out that dr kim was sick

- with even more food bribery, you managed to find out his address

- you arrived at his apartment with a plastic bag full of supplies

- you hesitantly knocked to dr kim’s door

- when there was no response, you called out to him

- “dr kim? i-it’s nurse y/n. m-may i come in?”

- there was silence at first but he quickly told you the passcode of his lock and you entered

- the place was immaculately clean which surprised you

- you roamed around the spacious apartment and silently wondered how it felt like to be a rich single genius surgeon hmm must be nice

- you eventually saw the man sprawled on his bed looking about half-dead

- “nurse y/n, what are you doing here?”

- you froze and even asked yourself

- “a-ah,,,w-well,,,, you were gone for a couple of days and i was wondering where you went so i asked dr ken and he said you were sick so i though-“

- he started chuckling hoarsely which made you stop

- “you’re babbling”

- “o-oh, was i? i-i’m sorry”

- the air suddenly grew awkward so you excused yourself by telling him that you had ingredients for chicken noodle soup and that you were going to make it for him

- twenty minutes later (i actually don’t know how long it takes to make the soup forgive me) you came back with a tray of the soup and a cup of tea

- he patted the space on the bed beside him and you gulped before sitting down

- you held the spoon out for him but he shook his head

- “i’m supposed to be the patient, nurse y/n”

- when you gave him a look of confusion he rolled his eyes and was just like “im asking you to feed me, dummy”

- your jaw almost drops into the soup but you quickly regain yourself and nod slowly

- your hands were literally shaking when you fed him the first spoon you brought to his mouth it almost spilled over the poor man

- but instead of making the whole situation more awkward, dr kim chooses to make comfortable small talk

- it was actually a rather pleasant afternoon you spent with the doctor

- you found yourself actually enjoying his company

- he was surprisingly funny in a very dad jokes kind of way and actually really nice underneath all that self confidence

- but as much as you wanted to continue your conversation, dr kim was tired and eventually drifted off to sleep

- but not before making sure you promised to be by his side

- which made you blush even though you try to deny so many times

- when you were sure he was asleep, you quickly gathered your things and tried to head out

- but he quickly grabs your wrist and pulls you back down beside him

- “you said you wouldn’t leave, y/n”

- “u-uh, d-doctor kim, i-i r-really have t-to go....”

- “it’s jin... please call me jin... and please don’t leave y/n”

- he came back to the hospital a few days later and gave you a small ‘thank you’ kiss on your cheek, leaving you blushing the whole day and the whole hospital shook

ahem,,,,i think i got a little too carried away here,,,,,anyways hope you liked it!

send all requests here!

[techcrunchappcom]

New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/scott-atlas-trumps-new-virus-adviser-questioned-mask-use-the-new-york-times/

Scott Atlas, Trump's New Virus Adviser, Questioned Mask Use - The New York Times

WASHINGTON — Dr. Scott W. Atlas has argued that the science of mask wearing is uncertain, that children cannot pass on the coronavirus and that the role of the government is not to stamp out the virus but to protect its most vulnerable citizens as Covid-19 takes its course.

Ideas like these, both ideologically freighted and scientifically disputed, have propelled the radiologist and senior fellow at Stanford University’s conservative Hoover Institution into President Trump’s White House, where he is pushing to reshape the administration’s response to the pandemic.

Mr. Trump has embraced Dr. Atlas, as has Mark Meadows, the White House chief of staff, even as he upsets the balance of power within the White House coronavirus task force with ideas that top government doctors and scientists like Anthony S. Fauci, Deborah L. Birx and Jerome Adams, the surgeon general, find misguided — even dangerous — according to people familiar with the task force’s deliberations.

That might be the point.

“I think Trump clearly does not like the advice he was receiving from the people who are the experts — Fauci, Birx, etc. — so he has slowly shifted from their advice to somebody who tells him what he wants to hear,” said Dr. Carlos del Rio, an infectious disease expert at Emory University who is close to Dr. Birx, the White House coronavirus response coordinator.

Dr. Atlas is neither an epidemiologist nor an infectious disease expert, the two jobs usually associated with pandemic response. But his frequent appearances on Fox News Channel and his ideological surety caught the president’s eye.

So when Mr. Trump resumed his coronavirus news conferences in July and August, it was Dr. Atlas who helped prepare his briefing materials, according to people familiar with them. And it was his ideas that spilled from the president’s mouth.

“He has many great ideas,” Mr. Trump told reporters at a White House briefing last month with Dr. Atlas seated feet away. “And he thinks what we’ve done is really good, and now we’ll take it to a new level.”

The core of his appeal in the West Wing rests in his libertarian-style approach to disease management in which the government focuses on small populations of at-risk individuals — the elderly, the sick and the immune-compromised — and minimizes restrictions for the rest of the population, akin to an approach used to disastrous effect in Sweden. The argument: Most people infected by the coronavirus will not get seriously ill, and at some point, enough people will have antibodies from Covid-19 to deprive the virus of carriers — “herd immunity.”

“Once you get to a certain number — we use the word herd — once you get to a certain number, it’s going to go away,” Mr. Trump told Laura Ingraham on Fox News on Monday night.

Dr. Atlas’s push has led to repeated private confrontations with Dr. Birx, who in recent weeks has been advocating rigorous rules on wearing masks, limiting bars and restaurants, and minimizing large public gatherings.

Dr. Atlas declined a request to be interviewed, but Judd Deere, a White House spokesman, accused the news media of trying to “distort and diminish” his beliefs and record, adding that the adviser “is working to carry out the president’s No. 1 priority: protecting the health and safety of the American people.” White House officials said there had never been an attempt to shift policy to anything resembling herd immunity.

“There’s never been any advocacy of a herd immunity strategy coming from me to the president, to anyone in the administration, to the task force, to anyone I’ve spoken to,” Dr. Atlas said in a radio interview Tuesday.

White House officials said administration policy continued to focus on efforts to curb the spread of the disease while pushing to rapidly develop medical therapies to minimize deaths, as well as a vaccine. The president and his aides believe effective treatments are critical to allowing the country to return to normal.

But health officials say Dr. Atlas’s beliefs, argued in news media appearances and private conversations, have begun to shift the administration’s thinking.

Before joining the task force, Dr. Atlas pitched his ideas as a health commentator on Fox News, which is in part how he attracted Mr. Trump’s attention. His arrival at the White House has coincided with less visible roles for Dr. Birx and Dr. Fauci, the director of the National Institute for Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

In a tense coronavirus task force meeting in which the guidelines were debated, Dr. Atlas angered Dr. Robert R. Redfield, the C.D.C. director, and Dr. Birx, according to senior administration officials.

But it is Dr. Atlas’s embrace of herd immunity that has alienated his colleagues the most.

“When you isolate everyone, including all the healthy people, you’re prolonging the problem because you’re preventing population immunity,” Dr. Atlas said in a Fox News radio interview in July. “Low-risk groups getting the infection is not a problem. In fact, it’s a positive.”

In a Fox News interview in June, he lamented that “misinformation has spread” about herd immunity, arguing: “The reality is that when a population has enough people who have had the infection, and since these people don’t have a problem with the infection, that’s not a problem. That’s not a bad thing.”

In Sweden, the government allowed restaurants, gyms, shops, playgrounds and schools to remain open as the virus spread, asking its citizens to follow social distancing and hygiene guidelines and protect more vulnerable parts of the population.

The Washington Post on Monday reported Dr. Atlas’s advocacy for such a model.

That “soft lockdown” in Sweden had calamitous consequences, even in a country less densely populated and healthier than the United States. Thousands more people died than in neighboring countries that imposed strict lockdowns. The country’s economy also continued to struggle, and Sweden still falls far short of what scientists view as a possible threshold for herd immunity.

But the idea has gained traction in conservative circles. Senator Rand Paul, Republican of Kentucky, says the United States needs to look at Sweden “before letting the nanny-staters shut the economy down again.”

The conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh discussed it on his show in April and cheered Dr. Atlas’s hiring at the White House, saying he was “countering Fauci.”

“Scott Atlas is a brilliant guy, and he thinks by early October that we could well be burned out of Covid,” Mr. Limbaugh said.

Kevin Hassett, a former chairman of Mr. Trump’s Council of Economic Advisers, who returned briefly to the White House this spring to help with the response to the pandemic, called Dr. Atlas “a legendary physician, and one of the smartest guys I know.”

The Coronavirus Outbreak ›

Frequently Asked Questions

Updated September 1, 2020

Why is it safer to spend time together outside?

Outdoor gatherings lower risk because wind disperses viral droplets, and sunlight can kill some of the virus. Open spaces prevent the virus from building up in concentrated amounts and being inhaled, which can happen when infected people exhale in a confined space for long stretches of time, said Dr. Julian W. Tang, a virologist at the University of Leicester.

What are the symptoms of coronavirus?

In the beginning, the coronavirus seemed like it was primarily a respiratory illness — many patients had fever and chills, were weak and tired, and coughed a lot, though some people don’t show many symptoms at all. Those who seemed sickest had pneumonia or acute respiratory distress syndrome and received supplemental oxygen. By now, doctors have identified many more symptoms and syndromes. In April, the C.D.C. added to the list of early signs sore throat, fever, chills and muscle aches. Gastrointestinal upset, such as diarrhea and nausea, has also been observed. Another telltale sign of infection may be a sudden, profound diminution of one’s sense of smell and taste. Teenagers and young adults in some cases have developed painful red and purple lesions on their fingers and toes — nicknamed “Covid toe” — but few other serious symptoms.

Why does standing six feet away from others help?

The coronavirus spreads primarily through droplets from your mouth and nose, especially when you cough or sneeze. The C.D.C., one of the organizations using that measure, bases its recommendation of six feet on the idea that most large droplets that people expel when they cough or sneeze will fall to the ground within six feet. But six feet has never been a magic number that guarantees complete protection. Sneezes, for instance, can launch droplets a lot farther than six feet, according to a recent study. It’s a rule of thumb: You should be safest standing six feet apart outside, especially when it’s windy. But keep a mask on at all times, even when you think you’re far enough apart.

I have antibodies. Am I now immune?

As of right now, that seems likely, for at least several months. There have been frightening accounts of people suffering what seems to be a second bout of Covid-19. But experts say these patients may have a drawn-out course of infection, with the virus taking a slow toll weeks to months after initial exposure. People infected with the coronavirus typically produce immune molecules called antibodies, which are protective proteins made in response to an infection. These antibodies may last in the body only two to three months, which may seem worrisome, but that’s perfectly normal after an acute infection subsides, said Dr. Michael Mina, an immunologist at Harvard University. It may be possible to get the coronavirus again, but it’s highly unlikely that it would be possible in a short window of time from initial infection or make people sicker the second time.

What are my rights if I am worried about going back to work?

He cited Dr. Atlas’s early warnings for governors to protect nursing homes from the virus. “He’s very similar to President Trump, in that you never have to wonder what he thinks,” Mr. Hassett said.

Mr. Trump is clearly enamored with Dr. Atlas’s arguments, which back up the president’s desire to restart the economy, open schools and move beyond the daily drumbeat of dire virus news.

But fully embracing any version of a policy resembling herd immunity has profound medical and political risks. Simply allowing the virus to travel through most of the population could lead to hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of deaths. And medical officials are still not sure how long that immunity might last, and how long-lasting some effects of the virus could be.

“Trying to get to herd immunity other than with a vaccine isn’t a strategy,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, a former C.D.C. director. “It’s a catastrophe.”

Dr. David Dowdy, an infectious disease epidemiologist at Johns Hopkins University who has researched and written about herd immunity, said that “the appeal of the concept of herd immunity is that it suggests we can simply go about doing our regular daily lives and the coronavirus pandemic will take care of itself,” but that it has been tried and has not worked. “Where we have had less stringent responses, we’ve had more cases and more deaths,” he said.

Dr. Atlas’s medical background — chief of neuroradiology at Stanford University Medical Center from 1998 to 2012 and editor of the textbook “Magnetic Resonance Imaging of the Brain and Spine” — appears incongruous with his current role.

But Dr. Atlas does have political connections in Mr. Trump’s world. He has advised the president’s personal lawyer Rudolph W. Giuliani, and his Hoover Institution employs several staunch supporters of Mr. Trump’s handling of the virus.

Some Hoover scholars were early opponents of state and local government moves to shut down economic activity in March and April, including Richard Epstein, a law professor who predicted in March that only 500 Americans would die of the virus.

Another Hoover scholar, David R. Henderson, wrote in May: “If the lockdowns are ended immediately, will there be more deaths than if the they were not ended forthwith? Probably. But that won’t be enough to declare that ending the lockdown was a failure.”

In Washington, Dr. Atlas has introduced new tension to the coronavirus task force.

In one of his first meetings, he argued over the science of mask wearing. As Drs. Fauci and Birx maintained that drops in caseloads reflected public health measures such as social distancing and mask-wearing, Dr. Atlas insisted that peaks and declines could have merely been the virus running its course, senior administration officials said.

In other discussions, he argued that children cannot spread the virus, despite numerous studies that have shown that children can carry the virus, transmit it and die from it.

In a June interview with the Hoover Institution, he called it “literally irrational” to close schools. “All over the world, Switzerland, Iceland, Australia, the United Kingdom, Ireland, Asian countries, there is a minimal, if any, risk of children transmitting the disease, even to their parents,” he said.

Dr. Atlas brought a similar argument to an August event encouraging school reopenings with Mr. Trump and Betsy DeVos, the education secretary.

His role in the White House has given conservative media a new official to present as a scientific authority on the coronavirus.

“The reality is that there’s certain data that’s very controversial about masks,” he told Tucker Carlson, the Fox News host, in August, railing against the “massive amount of fear bordering on hysteria.”

Dr. Atlas has also regularly promoted an idea that immunologists say is simply wrong, that immune cells called T cells, programmed with infection from other coronaviruses, can function like antibodies to prevent Covid-19.

[biofunmy]

Dax Shepard Is Listening – The New York Times

LOS ANGELES — In November, the actor Dax Shepard rolled up to a tree-shaded lot in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles in a wood-grain 1994 Buick Roadmaster and parked in front of a single-door garage.

The yard was brown and dusty, with trucks out front and a portable toilet on the premises. His house was under construction. But we weren’t going there.

Instead, Mr. Shepard, who is 44 and rangy, tramped up a set of stairs outside the garage and unlocked the door to a cozy space with slate blue walls and the odd wire dangling from the slanted ceiling.

A long couch sat opposite a leather recliner and a daintier, midcentury-style seat. Three microphones stood nearby.

Before we sat down, Mr. Shepard wanted to know: Would I like coffee? I said that I’d already had tea that morning, and besides, I was trying and routinely failing to honor my doctor’s suggestion to drink less caffeine. Filling the coffee maker with water for himself, he asked: Did I have addictive tendencies?

Such casually blunt questions are a hallmark of “Armchair Expert,” Mr. Shepard’s interview podcast, which premiered in 2018. The episodes feature a mix of Hollywood names (Will Ferrell, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ellen DeGeneres, Emilia Clarke), authors (Elizabeth Gilbert, David Sedaris, Gillian Flynn) and specialists in various fields (Richard Dawkins, Esther Perel, the California surgeon general Nadine Burke Harris, Bill Nye).

The actress Kristen Bell, who is Mr. Shepard’s wife, was the show’s first guest.

Mr. Shepard — known for his roles on “Parenthood” and the new sitcom “Bless This Mess” — is the face and primary voice of the podcast. Monica Padman, a 32-year-old actress, is his quieter co-host; she also handles the behind-the-scenes work of wrangling guests and editing interviews.

The show, Mr. Shepard said, was never meant to be groundbreaking; long-form interviews have existed practically since the dawn of radio.

But he liked going on other people’s podcasts — how the intimacy and extended format granted more depth than seven minutes on a late-night show. When he appeared on “WTF With Marc Maron,” for example, he spoke openly about his sobriety. Afterward, he said, fans said that the conversation helped them on their own recovery journeys.

Now “Armchair Expert” competes with podcasts like Mr. Maron’s for listeners. The show closed out 2018 as the most downloaded new podcast on iTunes and won “Breakout Podcast” at the 2019 iHeartRadio Podcast Awards.

According to Mr. Shepard, it is often downloaded more than five million times in a week: roughly one million apiece from two new episodes, and another three million from the archive.

“It’s so wonderful to read that, to know that,” he said. “But then my brain shifts immediately into fear, like, how do we maintain that?”

“I’ve been in a bunch of things that work just enough,” he said. “So to have something that’s a hit for me also comes with fear as well as gratitude. I’m like, ‘This is wonderful. I don’t want to lose this. I would like this to go on for a long, long time.’”

Mr. Shepard was sitting in the attic’s leather recliner, rocking back and forth and sporadically tucking a long leg up under him. He was trying to police himself, he said, to make sure he didn’t sabotage the podcast’s success somehow.

On “Armchair Expert,” as in real life, Mr. Shepard is inclined toward self-analysis of his insecurities, motivations and shortcomings.

“It feels like Dax is a much more enlightened Howard Stern,” said Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, whose interview aired in December. “You could say that he’s the poster child for an alternative to what sometimes gets called ‘toxic masculinity.’ I’m not a fan of that term — I much prefer the social science of what’s called ‘precarious manhood’ — but I think he’s a role model for how not to be someone who’s constantly trying to prove your manhood.”

Mr. Shepard’s frequent expressions of vulnerability — about his road rage, about his vanity, about being molested as a child — encourage his interview subjects to feel comfortable sharing something of themselves.

“His best quality in interviewing is making sure you don’t feel alone and naked out there,” said the actress Lake Bell, Mr. Shepard’s co-star on “Bless This Mess.” When she appeared on the show, she spoke about the traumatic birth of her son, which she hadn’t discussed publicly before.

“He creates a very safe space for an interviewee,” said Monica Lewinsky, who appeared on “Armchair Expert” in October. “There becomes something about Dax and about the way he deals with his own history which makes me want to meet him at his level of vulnerability.” (A fan of the show and a connoisseur of crystals, she brought green apophyllite as gifts for Mr. Shepard and Ms. Padman.)

It helps, Mr. Shepard said, that he and Ms. Padman give guests the option to cut portions of the interview after recording, should they regret something they said. Interviewees frequently take them up on this.

“I definitely had, as Brené Brown calls it, a ‘vulnerability hangover’ when I left,” Ms. Lewinsky said. “I panicked: ‘Oh God, was that O.K.? What did I just say? Will it be misinterpreted?’”

“You know how they pump oxygen into casinos?” she said. “It’s sort of like Dax and Monica pump some form of invisible truth serum into the air in the attic.”

Partway through our interview, Ms. Padman entered the room and sat next to Mr. Shepard. Concerned about the audio quality of my recording — “Can I be controlling and make a suggestion?” — Mr. Shepard relocated Ms. Padman’s chair between us so that she could be closer to the microphone. As we talked, he occasionally kicked a leg up to rest on the wooden arm of her chair.

The two have a close, almost familial relationship: First hired as a babysitter to Mr. Shepard and Ms. Bell’s children, Ms. Padman now works with both parents in a creative capacity, writing Ms. Bell’s awards-show monologues and reading commercial scripts to ensure that they’re written in the actress’s voice.

The affection between the hosts comes through most clearly during the “fact check” that they record after each interview, in which the two banter and debate — their favorite hobby — while Ms. Padman corrects various claims made throughout the interview.

When the comedian W. Kamau Bell recorded a live podcast with them in San Francisco, he got the sense that every audience question boiled down to some form of: “Can I move in with you and Kristen Bell and Monica?”

“A big part of the appeal of that show is that it scratches the same itch that a reality show scratches, without going down that tortured alley,” Mr. Bell said. “You’re in the middle of their relationship, and Kristen Bell is kind of like Kanye West on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians,’ where he’s just outside somewhere.”

Much of the work that Ms. Padman does on the show — the fact-checking, the editing, the scheduling — takes place off-mic. When they first started recording the podcast, she worried about getting enough airtime.

The anxiety, she said, grew out of a desire for approval from their guests, particularly those whose support could matter to her acting career, like Judd Apatow.

But, she said, “I don’t need to prove myself to any of these people. I can just be.”

Observing interviews from this slight remove, Ms. Padman sees herself as a proxy for the listener. She asks the follow-up questions that people may be curious about and makes sure to circle back to threads that get dropped midway through a conversation. She is always editing in her head. And, Mr. Shepard said, she holds him accountable.

“Monica will call me out when I’m being misogynistic or I’m being mildly racist or I’m being elitist or I’m being whatever — she will always call me out,” he said. “And I think she gives me latitude to be a real person who doesn’t do it right.”

At times, people have questioned their judgment. When the hosts invited Casey Affleck onto the podcast, some listeners criticized Mr. Shepard and Ms. Padman for giving a platform to the actor, who in 2010 was sued by two women for sexual harassment on the set of one of his films. (Both cases were settled out of court.)

In his interview, Mr. Affleck spoke in support of the #MeToo movement and discussed the difficulty of that period of his life.

Mr. Shepard was hesitant to discuss the backlash over that episode. He wasn’t afraid of a quote from his conversation with Mr. Affleck being pulled out of context, because the entirety of it is available to the public.

But to respond to it for this article would risk having his thoughts distilled into one sentence that could pour gas on the whole thing, he said. Still, he talked it out.

“We’re not a show that levies verdicts,” Mr. Shepard said. “We’re a show that lets someone tell their experience.”

He disagrees with the notion of “platforming” on the basis that it implies a person’s ideas are so persuasive that they shouldn’t be heard at all. Given the opportunity, Mr. Shepard said, he would gladly interview a serial killer — a bad analogy, he admitted, because it implies that he believes Mr. Affleck is somehow culpable, and he has no position either way on that matter.

“But I would interview a serial killer in two seconds,” Mr. Shepard said. “And my interview with a serial killer wouldn’t be, ‘You’re so bad. You know, you’re bad. You’re really bad. Have you thought about how bad you were?’ I would want to know what the point of view of a serial killer is. I want to hear their story.”

There’s no long-form interviewer he respects more than Howard Stern. On a technical level, Mr. Shepard said, “he’s just so calm, so confident, so prepared, so open to wherever it goes, never panicky.” And he admires Mr. Stern’s willingness to make apologies on air and soften the shock-jock persona that made him famous.

They have met and corresponded, but Mr. Shepard has refused to ask him to be on the show because he doesn’t want to feel like Mr. Stern is doing him a favor.

Mr. Shepard has trouble accepting help, he said, and fantasizes that one day Mr. Stern will ask to come on the podcast of his own volition.

“In all truth, I want just what Stern has,” he said. Ideally he would come in more often than he does now “and just sit in here and talk with Monica and other people.” He thinks he would prefer that over acting, he said, or, really, “anything else.”

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[royal-despair-threads]

Liz & Kai [Prologue]

Kai wandered around once more with his little black notebook and pencil in hand, a weak but gently smile upon his face. The game of truth or dare had seemingly boosted the group morale, or atleast, as far as he knew. He had kinda zoned out halfway during the game, just kinda staring at the floor and doing nothing. He might have even been asked a question without him realising, poor kiddo.

But that game in the past. Now he had to continue with his two main goals, beside the whole 'Getting out of here' thing. He wanted to meet he people here, and incase the worst of the worst happened, he needed to know their after death wishes. The boy was a gravedigger after all, one that wasn't worried about his own safety. Not having seen Elizabeth before, Kai approached the woman and quietly went to sit down next to her, unsure of how he would approach the start of this conversation.

Liz was in a bit of a daze, daydreaming and imagining what could have possibly caused everyone to be put in this situation, when suddenly she looked over and it seemed a boy had appeared next to her. She hadn't heard him approach but more than she was surprised she was curious about what had made him head over.  "Um..." She looked over at him curiously, "What's up...?"

The boy spoke with a bit of a German accent and less than stellar Japanese. While he was able to speak the language, some of the pronounciations were kinda off and he had a lot of pauses where he had struggled with what to say next. " Miss... " Oof, " Can I ask you.... A difficult question? " He looked up at her with those white eys, which both looked creepy, cute and... Kinda sad at the same time. The staring sure wasn't helping.

Now Liz was even more curious, and a bit unsettled, those eyes were quite... Something. "Y-yeah, of course."

The boy nodded and looked away, just now having realised he was staring. His eyes moved around the room as he once again tried to find something to focus on, eventually asking the question. " What are your after death wishes? What should I do with your body after you die? " He opened his notebook and got ready to write it down, revealing a few names and wishes on that page already, and probably dozens if not hundreds on the pages before.

She took a moment to think, Liz had thought about this before, but still hadn't quite decided yet. "Hmm... Well I guess... I would want to be eaten by animals?" She pauses and thinks for a bit more, "I don't really see any reason for a tombstone or a grave, it's not like I have anyone significant that would grieve over me when I die... So maybe something like a... I saw this thing once in a documentary... A Tibetan sky burial? I think it's called? Although I'm not sure how possible anything like that would be these days... I guess either that or being turned into beads..."

Disturbingly enough, Kai knew full well what a sky burial was. There were a lot of mountains in Germany after all, and a lot of stupid hykers. Sometimes, you got a sky burial without asking for it. The boy nodded along to her, eventually speaking up. " I think... I may be able to arange either. Or if we can use the... Bones, both. " Normally, he was actually for having specific places or objects to remember people by, but if she had no one that would grieve over her, then he saw no reason to limit her after deatrh wishes in the slightest. Well, it's not like he would limit them anyway. Because, those kinds of decisions were left to the living.

He wondered if she wanted to be eaten by animals so she coudl give back to nature, or just because she thought it would be cool. The boy t hen realised something important, he had forgotten to introduce himself, again... " I'm Kai... Kai Schmutz. Ultimate Gravedigger... It has been nice to meet you...? "

Liz smiles, "It's nice to meet you Kai, I'm Elizabeth, the Ultimate Surgeon, but you can call me Liz. You have a lot of entries in that journal, do you ask everyone about their death plans?"

The boy finished down writing Elizabeth's requests, with her name as well. The name and talent sounded familiar, maybe if he had studied up on the other students some more, he might remember them. But for now, Kai simply closed the little journal and put it back in his pocket. While he had no problem sharing the fact he was collecting them, unless giving permission, he wasn't going to intentionally tell others about other people's death plans. " Yes... Incase the worst... Happens here. I want to make sure... Everyone can have a proper rest... And the ones left behind can grieve. "

"That's... Noble of you." Concern appears on her face, "I can't help but feel that whatever is happening is more sinister than we might expect... I just hope it doesn't result in the death of any of us." A bit more irritated she continues, "and I hope that everyone is more considerate to each other's safety, I don't think we should risk injuring each other...especially since all of my medical supplies seem to be missing..."

Kai wasn't going to say it, but he was also missing his shovel, so he wouldn't be very useful at the moment. The boy just nodded along, seemingly agreeing with everything she was saying. Or he was just spacing out again and nodding along automatically, he did seem a bit tired. " I hope so... As well. "

Now Liz was really starting to get nervous, should she try to continue the conversation? Should she just awkwardly sit there until one of them decided to stand up and leave? Is he even paying attention? "U-Um... So what do you think for the others in this group, pretty crazy crowd, huh?"

It really wasn't her fault. Kai was just bad at talking to people. He was better at listening and giving his advice after people vented to him. The boy didn't know why people vented to him but oh well. " Oh... I think so? But they all seem very... Nice. Except the red lady."

"yeah everyone that I've talked to so far has for the most part been great! Although from what I've seen I can agree about the, ah, red lady. I wonder if she'll ever actually hurt anyone though... Like really hurt anyone... That would certainly become problematic for our group..."

"She punched... Manobu in the crotch." It had been a very bad day for Manobu, and for anyone being forced to watch that nut punch. God it was a painful sight.

Liz looks a bit embarrassed that she had somehow forgotten that incident maybe she was asleep during the whole situation?, "w-well I mean if she would ever break someones leg or something... Uh..." Liz pauses, struggling to regain her composure then blurts out, "sooo, how would you like your body to be treated when you die?"

For a moment, a very... Strange look appeared on Kai's face as he stared at Elizabeth. The look was one of confusion, but not the kinda confusion he had shown when he woke up here. It was the kinda confusion when someone was faced with a paradox, like something was said to them that was just, impossible.

"What do... You mean?"

For a while Liz thought that the conversation might be relaxing in a weird sort of way. A conversation about philosophy, about the acceptance of death and reminiscence of life, but it most certainly had taken a turn for the... Weird. Liz didn't really know what to say. "Oh, uh sorry if that wasn't something... Appropriate to ask, I just thought that since you asked me about mine I'd ask you about yours o-or something..."

There were characters like Takuma and pretended, because they were a bit silly. There were characters like Cici, who acted chuunibyou and pretended to be things she wasn't, for the joy of it. But when Kai looked at Elizabeth, and spoke those words so calmly, there wasn't a hint of pretending anywhere. The boy wasn't joking around, not trying to be funny or edgy or whatever. What he said was as true to him that the sky was blue, or that if he stepped of a building, he wasn't just suddenly going to fly.

The look in his eyes was equally creepy, sad and yet painfully innocent. Which made his words and the implications behind it all the worse. " It's alright... But... What do you mean when... I die? " He tilted his head slightly. " Can't you see... I'm already dead? "

Red flags. Red flags everywhere. Elizabeth now understood that Kai wasn't... Quite like the others. She contemplated taking his pulse and showing him that he was more alive than he thought, or, in a flash of irritation at the what she felt was the simple untruth of that statement, she momentarily thought of perhaps nicking his finger to show the red, oxygenated blood that signified life, but instead she just sat there a bit stunned. "I...see..."

But no she couldn't just sit there and let Kai be Kai, a walking corpse is medically impossible afterall. LIz concealed her annoyance and turned to Kai, "but don't you feel your pulse?"

" No... I don't have one... Anymore? " Elizabeth might get the feeling that, whatever evidence she threw against Kai, it wasn't really going to work. This might be something more serious than she could imagine. Well, he wasn't actually dead, but his belief sure as hell was strong.

Liz was rather irritated now, given the opportunity she could easily bring his fingers to his jugular or wrist to help him feel the gentle pulse of blood flowing through his arteries and veins. She wasn't going to give up just yet, she almost felt that it would betray her medical education if she did. But what to say next? "H-huh? But... Just bring your fingers to your neck, a little below your jaw, don't you feel a thump thump? When you get scrapes and bruises don't they heal? You certainly aren't rotting right now."

" You can't see... It huh? " Kai stared a bit ahead but he did as she asked, putting his fingers to right where she wanted them to be. But... Nothing. The boy just kept staring ahead, seemingly not feeling anything as he just shook his head. If she felt something, she would feel a slow but real heartbeat just fine.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Another Top 10 Fave Fics

I’m not sure I’ve used the right option…I don’t submit thingys on pages often I always feel a bother.

I’m off sick at the moment whilst the NHS try and figure out what’s going on and I’ve been off for like almost THREE MONTHS and I can’t even do much as I’ve got no energy.

ANYWAYS…

Whats a fix you’ve read recently that your obsessed with? Or just really made your soul happy/smile wide?

I needs the good sh*t to read!!!

(submitted by bluetree76)

———————-

Hi Lovely *HUGS*

Ugh, I’m so sorry for the delay; Sorry you’re not doing well, and I only hope that by now you’ve been able to get some answers!

Oh gosh, asking me to pick “fics I’m obsessed with” is dangerous because I love WAY too many fics, LOL, and I’m currently reading some new long fics, so I haven’t been re-reading anything in a little while! So let’s do this: I’ll give you some links to some of my past “fave” lists, and on this post, I’ll give you one of those cheesy “ANOTHER xx fave fics” things, because I have over 300 fics on my fave fics list XD, so I’ve a lot to go through, LOL. Sooooooo I hope you enjoy what I’ve picked out for you today :) I’ll try to keep today’s picks for stories I’ve read / re-read recently, and none are repeats of the fics on the bolded link below (Sept 18′s Fave Fic list) :)

—-

ANOTHER  TOP 10 FAVE FICS (June 2019)

See also:

Top 20 Fave 40K+ w. Fics (April 2017 )

Ten Fave Short Johnlock Fics (Easy Reads April 2018)

25 Fave Johnlock One Shots (April 2018)

Top 10 Fave Fics (September 2018)

Top 30 Read-Again Fics (March 2019) 

Top 20 Bookmarks of 2018 (March 2019)

The Wisteria Tree by SilentAuror (E, 29,773 w. || Post-S3, Emotional Love Making, Amnesia/Memory Loss, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Sherlock POV, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Est. Rel., Retirement) – Sherlock wakes up from a month-long coma only to discover that he has no memory of the previous six years to his own shock as well as John’s…

Love or What You Will by miss_frankenstein (T, 31,987 w. || College/Uni AU || Professor John, Ph.D Student Sherlock, Pining John, Poetry, Falling in Love / Slow Burn, Light Angst, Happy Ending) – John is an English professor who specializes in War and Post-War Literature and Sherlock is the brilliant yet impossible Ph.D. student assigned to be his TA because no one in the Chemistry Department is willing to put up with him. And - somewhere between Waugh and Plath, e-mails and takeaway, novels and villanelles - they fall in love.

The Boy Who Drank Stars by kinklock (E, 36,157 w. || Howl’s Moving Castle AU || Witches and Wizards, Slow Burn, Magic, Jealous John, Happy Ending, Bed Sharing) – “I’m looking for a castle,” John informed the scarecrow. “A moving one.”Except that, as it turned out, it was not a moving one at all.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn’t It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock’s forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don’t worry, things’ll be fine in just seven days.

Spare Change by Ermerness (E, 51,966 w. || Rich Sherlock AU, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Alternate First Meeting) – The Holmes family is one of the richest and most powerful in England. Sherlock spends his time flying around the world on the family’s private jet drinking a lot and shopping at expensive boutiques as a way of trying to alleviate his endless boredom. His mother decides it’s time he settles down with someone powerful, wealthy and well connected. John Watson happens to be none of those things.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because…new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride… prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship’s surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there’s more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin’ the eye, he has to choose… is it a pirate’s life for him?

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate’s charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim?

Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (E, 159,368 w. || 70′s Surfer AU || Period Typical Homophobia, Hawaii, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Professional Surfers, Gay John / Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John was a Sailor, Misunderstandings) – All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair. That’s all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition.

[biofunmy]

Dax Shepard Is Listening – The New York Times

LOS ANGELES — In November, the actor Dax Shepard rolled up to a tree-shaded lot in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles in a wood-grain 1994 Buick Roadmaster and parked in front of a single-door garage.

The yard was brown and dusty, with trucks out front and a portable toilet on the premises. His house was under construction. But we weren’t going there.

Instead, Mr. Shepard, who is 44 and rangy, tramped up a set of stairs outside the garage and unlocked the door to a cozy space with slate blue walls and the odd wire dangling from the slanted ceiling.

A long couch sat opposite a leather recliner and a daintier, midcentury-style seat. Three microphones stood nearby.

Before we sat down, Mr. Shepard wanted to know: Would I like coffee? I said that I’d already had tea that morning, and besides, I was trying and routinely failing to honor my doctor’s suggestion to drink less caffeine. Filling the coffee maker with water for himself, he asked: Did I have addictive tendencies?

Such casually blunt questions are a hallmark of “Armchair Expert,” Mr. Shepard’s interview podcast, which premiered in 2018. The episodes feature a mix of Hollywood names (Will Ferrell, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ellen DeGeneres, Emilia Clarke), authors (Elizabeth Gilbert, David Sedaris, Gillian Flynn) and specialists in various fields (Richard Dawkins, Esther Perel, the California surgeon general Nadine Burke Harris, Bill Nye).

The actress Kristen Bell, who is Mr. Shepard’s wife, was the show’s first guest.

Mr. Shepard — known for his roles on “Parenthood” and the new sitcom “Bless This Mess” — is the face and primary voice of the podcast. Monica Padman, a 32-year-old actress, is his quieter co-host; she also handles the behind-the-scenes work of wrangling guests and editing interviews.

The show, Mr. Shepard said, was never meant to be groundbreaking; long-form interviews have existed practically since the dawn of radio.

But he liked going on other people’s podcasts — how the intimacy and extended format granted more depth than seven minutes on a late-night show. When he appeared on “WTF With Marc Maron,” for example, he spoke openly about his sobriety. Afterward, he said, fans said that the conversation helped them on their own recovery journeys.

Now “Armchair Expert” competes with podcasts like Mr. Maron’s for listeners. The show closed out 2018 as the most downloaded new podcast on iTunes and won “Breakout Podcast” at the 2019 iHeartRadio Podcast Awards.

According to Mr. Shepard, it is often downloaded more than five million times in a week: roughly one million apiece from two new episodes, and another three million from the archive.

“It’s so wonderful to read that, to know that,” he said. “But then my brain shifts immediately into fear, like, how do we maintain that?”

“I’ve been in a bunch of things that work just enough,” he said. “So to have something that’s a hit for me also comes with fear as well as gratitude. I’m like, ‘This is wonderful. I don’t want to lose this. I would like this to go on for a long, long time.’”

Mr. Shepard was sitting in the attic’s leather recliner, rocking back and forth and sporadically tucking a long leg up under him. He was trying to police himself, he said, to make sure he didn’t sabotage the podcast’s success somehow.

On “Armchair Expert,” as in real life, Mr. Shepard is inclined toward self-analysis of his insecurities, motivations and shortcomings.

“It feels like Dax is a much more enlightened Howard Stern,” said Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, whose interview aired in December. “You could say that he’s the poster child for an alternative to what sometimes gets called ‘toxic masculinity.’ I’m not a fan of that term — I much prefer the social science of what’s called ‘precarious manhood’ — but I think he’s a role model for how not to be someone who’s constantly trying to prove your manhood.”

Mr. Shepard’s frequent expressions of vulnerability — about his road rage, about his vanity, about being molested as a child — encourage his interview subjects to feel comfortable sharing something of themselves.

“His best quality in interviewing is making sure you don’t feel alone and naked out there,” said the actress Lake Bell, Mr. Shepard’s co-star on “Bless This Mess.” When she appeared on the show, she spoke about the traumatic birth of her son, which she hadn’t discussed publicly before.

“He creates a very safe space for an interviewee,” said Monica Lewinsky, who appeared on “Armchair Expert” in October. “There becomes something about Dax and about the way he deals with his own history which makes me want to meet him at his level of vulnerability.” (A fan of the show and a connoisseur of crystals, she brought green apophyllite as gifts for Mr. Shepard and Ms. Padman.)

It helps, Mr. Shepard said, that he and Ms. Padman give guests the option to cut portions of the interview after recording, should they regret something they said. Interviewees frequently take them up on this.

“I definitely had, as Brené Brown calls it, a ‘vulnerability hangover’ when I left,” Ms. Lewinsky said. “I panicked: ‘Oh God, was that O.K.? What did I just say? Will it be misinterpreted?’”

“You know how they pump oxygen into casinos?” she said. “It’s sort of like Dax and Monica pump some form of invisible truth serum into the air in the attic.”

Partway through our interview, Ms. Padman entered the room and sat next to Mr. Shepard. Concerned about the audio quality of my recording — “Can I be controlling and make a suggestion?” — Mr. Shepard relocated Ms. Padman’s chair between us so that she could be closer to the microphone. As we talked, he occasionally kicked a leg up to rest on the wooden arm of her chair.

The two have a close, almost familial relationship: First hired as a babysitter to Mr. Shepard and Ms. Bell’s children, Ms. Padman now works with both parents in a creative capacity, writing Ms. Bell’s awards-show monologues and reading commercial scripts to ensure that they’re written in the actress’s voice.

The affection between the hosts comes through most clearly during the “fact check” that they record after each interview, in which the two banter and debate — their favorite hobby — while Ms. Padman corrects various claims made throughout the interview.

When the comedian W. Kamau Bell recorded a live podcast with them in San Francisco, he got the sense that every audience question boiled down to some form of: “Can I move in with you and Kristen Bell and Monica?”

“A big part of the appeal of that show is that it scratches the same itch that a reality show scratches, without going down that tortured alley,” Mr. Bell said. “You’re in the middle of their relationship, and Kristen Bell is kind of like Kanye West on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians,’ where he’s just outside somewhere.”

Much of the work that Ms. Padman does on the show — the fact-checking, the editing, the scheduling — takes place off-mic. When they first started recording the podcast, she worried about getting enough airtime.

The anxiety, she said, grew out of a desire for approval from their guests, particularly those whose support could matter to her acting career, like Judd Apatow.

But, she said, “I don’t need to prove myself to any of these people. I can just be.”

Observing interviews from this slight remove, Ms. Padman sees herself as a proxy for the listener. She asks the follow-up questions that people may be curious about and makes sure to circle back to threads that get dropped midway through a conversation. She is always editing in her head. And, Mr. Shepard said, she holds him accountable.

“Monica will call me out when I’m being misogynistic or I’m being mildly racist or I’m being elitist or I’m being whatever — she will always call me out,” he said. “And I think she gives me latitude to be a real person who doesn’t do it right.”

At times, people have questioned their judgment. When the hosts invited Casey Affleck onto the podcast, some listeners criticized Mr. Shepard and Ms. Padman for giving a platform to the actor, who in 2010 was sued by two women for sexual harassment on the set of one of his films. (Both cases were settled out of court.)

In his interview, Mr. Affleck spoke in support of the #MeToo movement and discussed the difficulty of that period of his life.

Mr. Shepard was hesitant to discuss the backlash over that episode. He wasn’t afraid of a quote from his conversation with Mr. Affleck being pulled out of context, because the entirety of it is available to the public.

But to respond to it for this article would risk having his thoughts distilled into one sentence that could pour gas on the whole thing, he said. Still, he talked it out.

“We’re not a show that levies verdicts,” Mr. Shepard said. “We’re a show that lets someone tell their experience.”

He disagrees with the notion of “platforming” on the basis that it implies a person’s ideas are so persuasive that they shouldn’t be heard at all. Given the opportunity, Mr. Shepard said, he would gladly interview a serial killer — a bad analogy, he admitted, because it implies that he believes Mr. Affleck is somehow culpable, and he has no position either way on that matter.

“But I would interview a serial killer in two seconds,” Mr. Shepard said. “And my interview with a serial killer wouldn’t be, ‘You’re so bad. You know, you’re bad. You’re really bad. Have you thought about how bad you were?’ I would want to know what the point of view of a serial killer is. I want to hear their story.”

There’s no long-form interviewer he respects more than Howard Stern. On a technical level, Mr. Shepard said, “he’s just so calm, so confident, so prepared, so open to wherever it goes, never panicky.” And he admires Mr. Stern’s willingness to make apologies on air and soften the shock-jock persona that made him famous.

They have met and corresponded, but Mr. Shepard has refused to ask him to be on the show because he doesn’t want to feel like Mr. Stern is doing him a favor.

Mr. Shepard has trouble accepting help, he said, and fantasizes that one day Mr. Stern will ask to come on the podcast of his own volition.

“In all truth, I want just what Stern has,” he said. Ideally he would come in more often than he does now “and just sit in here and talk with Monica and other people.” He thinks he would prefer that over acting, he said, or, really, “anything else.”

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[royal-despair-threads]

Izaya & Liz [Prologue]

Liz wasn't normally the type to approach people, she would wait for someone to approach her and go from there, but this situation want exactly... Normal. Although she dreaded the thought of starting a social interaction, to her it appeared that there was no choice, I mean, she was going to be stuck on this boat with these people for who knows how long... So she looked across the room, found someone that was alone, walked over to them and did her best to seem friendly and strike up a conversation, "H-hi there... Um... I'm Liz, the ultimate surgeon, I don't believe we've met."

Of all things Izaya expected, being approached by someone who seemed almost as nervous as themselves wasn't one of them. Not that they weren't grateful that someone made the effort though. "I-I'm Izaya Fanrong. Ultimate Fireworks Ma-Maker. It's really nice to meet you, Liz-san." They extended a hand for Liz to shake; they were so nervous and shakey, but Liz to them seemed like they were the formal type.

Liz breathed a sigh of relief, she was always afraid that somehow starting a conversation would end horribly, but this time it seemed to work out. She smiled and shook their hand, she didn't think that they would be the type to go for the hand shake, but she just did her best to not turn it awkward and went with it, "it's nice to meet you too! So how are you handling this, ah... Weird.... Situation?"

"How am I...." Izaya trailed off, mulling over their answer, "W-Well. If I'm honest, I'm h-handling it....pretty badly." They went with the honest answer it seems. They internally thanked their stars that their hand wasn't as sweat as it was shakey, they'd never live it down if they got poor Liz's hand all soggy.

Concern shows on Liz' face, "I suppose it is difficult to be okay in a situation like this, I consider myself a generally levelheaded person, but even this has me a little unsettled... But I saw Leon and Runa talk to you a bit, hopefully it helped to have a couple people there for you almost as soon as you woke up?"

"Oh, yeah! They're so nice, it's like having my parents here, haha..." Despite clearly trying to joke with Liz, Izaya looked to nervous, it probbaly came as no shock when they apologised, "S-Sorry....that was weird,huh?..."

Thinking back to every moment, and there are quite a few of them, in the past year that she said something somewhat awkward she was easily able to empathise with Izaya in this situation, "no, no it's fine! They definitely are the dependable type."

"Ah, they really are!" Izaya looked visibly relieved that she hadn't thought they were weird. "I feel like, no matter what, we can um, depend on them." They managed to hold a conversation, dang. Izaya decided to be a bit bolder, "S-So um, what's it like being a surgeon?.."

"well..." She thinks for a bit, "a lot of the time it's rewarding, sometimes it's very sad, but it's always a little stressful too." She stops before she says too much wanting to spare Izaya the gory details that she felt might scare the person. "What's it like being a fieworks maker? It sounds dangerous..."

"yeah, I guess you guys see some.....really horrible stuff." they shook their head to clear their mind. be happy, don't upset Liz by being a downer. "Ah, it's.....very dangerous, yeah, but um, I've been doing it for so long, I almost never make a mistake. I....No, I- I wouldn't want to be anything else I don't think, ehe...."

Intrigued Liz looks over at Izaya, "do you make fireworks for festivals? Or are they the type to just be used at home? I don't think I've ever seen a fireworks show, but it sounds beautiful!"

"Primarily it's the festival type, but I do um, I know how to make stuff like sparklers and fire crackers..." They rubbed the back of their neck in thought, "It's basic chemistry once you, um, when you know what to do..."

"ohh, that's very cool! How did you get into making fireworks anyway, sorry if this is blunt, but did your parents just allow you to play with explosives when you were a kid?" Liz tilts her head, curious

"ah, no! My father is a painter and my mother's a scientist, she helped me study while father would sit and paint," They played with their sweatband as they spoke, "She introduced me to combustion experiments and um, I got into fireworks on my own. I didn't make my first one until she- until she tested me on my skills and said I was ready so..." They seemed to speak pretty fondly of their parents, "Sorry, I got so carried away... how about you? What got you into medical practices?"

A smile appears on Liz' face as she talks, it warms her to know that they had such supportive parents, "your parents sound really nice."

That question causes Liz to go a bit silent as, with a flustered look, she tries to think of what to say, "U-uh well, I mean, I just... Um..." She freezes a bit completely at a blank for how to continue, and decided to just try to change the subject instead, with almost too much enthusiasm and an awkward laugh she says "Y-your eyes are really interesting! I've met only one other person with heterochromia! In fact you have a really cool sense of style, haHAha." She hopes the topic change wasnt too obvious, who was she kidding she knew it was painfully obvious, and awkward, and probably off-putting.

Oh no, they made things awkward didn;t they?! Izaya gave Liz a concerned look, "Ah sorry! Um, yeah, my um, my grandma has the same condition, but her eyes are way nicer than mine!" They looked a little more jittery. Gosh, they shouldn've have been so personal so soon! heck!

Liz takes a deep breath in. Then a breath out. She doesn't want to ruin her conversation with Izaya, so she does her best to calm herself down, then creates a calm smile on her face, "It's... Okay. But your eyes really are beautiful. I hope I can see one of your fireworks shows one day! Is there anything else you like to do, I guess do you have any hobbies?"

They blushed at the compliment, "Oh gosh, you're so nice! I'll definitely um, if I can I'll make a firework just for you!" Their stance relaxed a little, "I guess um, I really, really like space. Stars, the moon, the planets. Of which I um, am firmly in the belief that Pluto should still uh, be one." IZAYA.

Liz giggled at Izaya's last comment, "that's cool, the night sky is definitely beautiful, so you like looking through telescopes and going to planetariums and that kind of stuff then? Also if you did make me a firework that'd be so nice! And cool!" LIz smiled brightly

"Wow, then I definitely will!" Izaya smiled, "It really is beautiful, when I was little, I used to want to be an astronaut, but um....I'm scared of well....all the danger in space." They admitted sheepishly, "But I guess that's why I cling to my fireworks. Maybe it's like my way of sending space something from me?....Sorry, that was weird.."

"awesome, I look forward to it!" She looks at Izaya with excitement, "no! That's not weird at all, I kinda liked that in a cheesy sort of way! Being an astronaut would be cool though, but space really is scary when you think about it..."

"Yeah, one time I saw this insane space movie and I couldn't sleep for a month." Izaya groaned, "I can still see the aliens...." They shuddered, their hair somehow standing more on end, "A-Anyway, what about your hobbies, Liz-san? What does a surgeon do um, outside the operating theatre?"

"Well  I like to read quite a bit, normally if I watch a movie or anything I try to avoid scary ones and, I know this is probably boring of me, but I really like documentaries," Liz rests her head on her hands, "Oh! and I love bird watching!"

"Documentaries are pretty good." Izaya agreed. The bird watching mention did have them surprised, "Wow, really? I think birbs are adorable, but I'm, I'm not quiet enough to watch them, they just fly away..."

She mutters under her breath, stifling a giggle "b-birbs." Liz  smirks, really the things Izaya says sometimes are so cute, "Yep!  It's really relaxing, i think, and the... birbs... are indeed really cute!  It is difficult sometimes to be quite and not be seen by them, but the binoculars you can use allow you to observe from a distance."

Izaya caught that and did give a tiny giggle too. Birbs are good. "Oooh, okay, I've been doing it reeeeally wrong then. I thought you just...well...find a birb. And watch it."

"Ah, well, it can be, but it's also like listening for the bird song and trying to identify what type of bird it might be and where it is, I get really excited when I hear and see a really rare birb.  Which probably sounds kinda nerdy... and boring. But seriously if I find a rare species I get so excited that I start to, like, shake... sometimes I get so excited that I just kind of scare the bird away on accident..." Liz looks wistfully off into the distance remembering all of her bird-seeking adventures of the past.

"Wow, so you can kind of speak birb? Awesome..." Of all the things to comment on...

Liz nods  with another smirk on her face, "yes. I speak so much birb." She then looks over at Izaya excitedly, "Hey, if you make me that firework, I can take you bird watching sometime, ah, that is if that's something you'd actually want to do.."

"Seriously!? I-I'd love to!!" They excitedly bounced on their feet a little. Making plans with a friend!! It's like a dream come true!