#and then I saw their fucking formatting style and tags

[stars-for-circe]

Circe's Most Frequented 🤍🤍🤍

My favourite authors over many different fandoms, for your indulgence.

@astralnymphh - TLOU, sapphic, shakespeare reborn

𖣂 There is no one else who could begin this list except for you tbh. One of the first authors I ever followed on this app and your work has never failed to blow me away; from your beautifully paced works that never run out of new prompts and tropes that you always nail, to your crazy big words you scavenged from wordhippo and managed to intergrate perfectly into your fics. To the Ellie Williams enthusiasts, give her fics a read and I promise it will change the trajectory of your lives forever. And don't be afraid to send her an ask, because she will quite literally craft a masterpiece.

𖣂 My recommendation: 'The Salvo Project'

@vifilms - TLOU, sapphic, she makes tumblr formatting her bitch

𖣂 At first it was your witty drabbles, then you graduated to 10k fics that take everyone's breath away. The way you can turn a single tiny idea into such a detailed work while also integrating the essence of each character you write into every single paragraph never fails to amaze me every time you appear on my feed. With your constantly changing layouts, and your beautifully crafted fic headers that show just how much of your heart goes into everything you put onto this app, you keep raising the bar again and again.

𖣂 My recommendation: 'Long Night, Long Ride'

@sweetercalypso - TLOU, multi

𖣂 Also one of my first follows, I remember quite clearly scrolling through the Abby Anderson tag on ao3 and being so blown away that I basically did a cartwheel when I saw you on tumblr. Your fics are the perfect late-night fix that are to-the-point, and your drabbles are filled with every trope anyone could even think up. And I'll shamelessly admit that reading your fics definitely moved Joel up quite a few slots in who I liked most within tlou.

𖣂 My recommendations: 'Texas Hold 'Em' + 'Uncharted Territory'

@the-kr8tor - Spiderverse, f/m, sfw

𖣂 I gotta say, this third movie needs to speed up so more people can come here and see how well you write for the spiderverse. Finding you in the tags was like a breath of fresh air, and your series works have kept me up at night on more than one occasion because of their binge-worthy goodness! From the adorable drabbles of Billie and Ramona, to the ups and downs that come with being a pirate, your works keep me invested even in the first, second....twenty-something times I've reread them.

𖣂 My recommendation: 'Our Place In The Middle Of Nowhere'

@s-4pphics - TLOU, Arcane, sapphic

𖣂 I hope you know that when you released 'The Call', it kept me up at night. Seriously, you're a genius. Maybe this style has been written before but it's the first time I've seen it. And amidst all the Sevika and Vi works that were being pumped out after the release of season 2, that fucking gem was put on my feed and it genuinely blew my mind. It was the perfect combination of crack-style fic and dark humour, coming together to make this smutty, hilarious, jaw dropping fic that had me pacing around my room a couple times - one of my favourites of all time.

𖣂 My recommendation, obviously: 'The Call'

@taintandviolent - Ahs, f/m, multi-fandom extraordinaire

𖣂 First of all, your username is fucking genius. Like actually, it had me saying it out loud and having such an OHHH moment and now I can't stop thinking about how cool it is. Secondly, if anyone has a taste for dark, gritty, horror infused tropes, or loves anything Evan Peters just like I do, her blog is the way to go. Her page is unapologetically for the monster-loving girlies who 'can fix him', and there's a little bit in there for every fandom that finds her. You're one of my favourite authors to send requests to, and you have definitely made me see Bill Skarsgard in a different light as of recent. 𖣂 My recommendation: 'Ouija Board’

[seethesin]

rotaries and roses

pairing: Tattoo Artist!Corky x Florist!F!Reader

tags/warnings: modern au, tattoo artist/florist trope, first time tattoos, suggestive themes, cursing, teasing

a/n: requested by anonymous here. this was my biggest challenge yet because... this is smut free and i don't have tattoos 😭 i hope you guys don't mind how many liberties i took with this! as there are no gif hunts of gina as corky, this will have a gifless format. enjoy! 🥰

You found yourself at Corky's by the recommendation of a close friend. Every time you mentioned your desire for a tattoo, they would practically beg you to give the tattoo shop a chance before pulling up their Instagram page. The first thing you noticed was the address. The tattoo shop was on the same street as your flower shop; how you hadn't noticed it sooner was beyond you.

Your friend was right. You needed to take your ass over there. And now, there was no excuse not to.

Out of all the artists featured, the owner, Corky, had your favorite designs. Her Neo-Traditional style blew you away, and it was the post featuring a canvas with an array of roses that sealed the deal. They had always been your favorite flower, regardless of the stereotypical label they held. Every bouquet of roses that leaves your shop always receives your special attention. They never fail to bring a smile to your face, regardless of the color, quantity, or occasion. To have them on your body felt right to you and you wanted them in Corky's signature style.

You spent the rest of that evening mulling over what you wanted. It took you a few more days, but finally, you came to a decision. You wanted a ram surrounded by Corky's roses. A ribbon would wind around the portrait of the ram with the phrase: My will is sturdy inscribed on it. The design was perfect and you knew Corky would do your vision justice.

Your consultation was the first time you meant Corky outside of emailing her. A studded leather jacket was haphazardly thrown over her white tank top. You couldn't tell what brand of jeans she wore, but they did wonders for her legs. Her steel-toed boots clicked on the hardwood floor as she came to greet you. You accepted her offered hand into a shake and couldn't stop yourself from memorizing the callouses on her palm within those few, fleeting seconds. Her brown hair was perfectly unkempt and a permanent, knowing smirk was glued onto her face.

"I'm Corky."

She was hot. You were fucked.

After your initial greetings, she brought you to the back where her desk was so you both could work through your design. You found as many references as possible, including the same array of roses you saw on her shop's Instagram page. Corky chuckled fondly as she examined the canvas, lips quirking into a genuine smile.

"This is some of my older work," she mused as if she was warning you. Her gaze flickered through her lashes, brow quirked inquisitively at you.

"It's one of my favorites," you admit and Corky's smile only grows at your confession.

The close proximity allows you to catch onto her scent: fresh smoke and citrus. You want her to tattoo it into your lungs.

"Give me an hour and I'll have something nice for you. I'll call you when I'm finished."

One phone call later and you were back in her shop. Unsure of proper etiquette in the tattooing world, you had brought back coffee for both yourself and Corky. You needed a pick me up and it felt strange not to share with her. Shyly, you offered her a cup which she graciously accepted. Your guess of Corky taking her coffee black was right; you swallow a smile at the thought. She leads you back to her desk so she can present you her work.

It's overwhelming how beautiful Corky's art is. Everything about it is perfect and truly, you can't think of anything else to add, remove, or change. The roses woven through the ram's horns, the brilliant blue outline, and the delicate font she chose for the banner were small details you would have never considered on your own.

Your lack of a verbal response makes Corky laugh, leaning in closer.

"Stunned ya speechless, huh?" she teased and you can't help but laugh with her.

"It's gorgeous, Corky."

There's something on Corky's tongue as she pauses. Silently, you watch her shake whatever thought it was away before refocusing on you.

"Where do you want this?"

You pause to think.

"I think my thigh would be the best. I've read that it's one of the better places to get your first tattoo."

This information slaps a smile back on her face.

"You read right. That works for me."

Soon after, you discuss the rest of the housekeeping tasks regarding your tattoo. Once you put an initial deposit down, you decide on a date a month later. You bid Corky goodbye and return to your flower shop to close up for the night. Before you retire to bed, you start working on a custom rose bouquet for one of your clients.

The roses are beautifully crimson, just like the ones Corky drew for you.

"I'll be with ya in a moment!" A disembodied voice calls from the next room over at the sound of the doorbell. You nod—more to yourself—before shutting the door behind you.

A month blew by quicker than you anticipated. Tonight, you found yourself awkwardly stationed at the front door of Corky’s tattoo shop with a cup of coffee in each hand. On her recommendation, you came well-fed, hydrated, and with eight hours of sleep under your belt. You donned a loose, simple dress, figuring it would make Corky's job tonight easier.

What you didn't realize was that she booked you as her closer tonight. The shop was empty and immediately, you felt yourself sweating. Silently, you asked whatever higher powers existed to refrain from making you out into a fool tonight.

Shifting on your heels, you visibly brighten at the sound of Corky's boots thundering towards you. She appears from the backroom, grinning ear to ear as she walks towards you. She's clad in another plain white tank top and dark jeans, revealing the complex sleeves her leather jacket hid. The most notable tattoo is of a labrys on her upper arm.

"Hey stranger," she greets, raising her brows as you offer her a coffee cup. "You spoil me; thank you."

You don't miss the way her eyes drag down your frame.

Corky's fingers slide against yours as she takes the coffee from you. Her touch is electric and you hold back from shivering. If something so innocuous got to you, you don't know how you'll last tonight.

"My pleasure." You don't mean to sound so breathless, but you were currently recovering from her touch. Corky merely smiles and beckons you to follow her. You do so wordlessly, stepping up and over to her workstation.

She sifts through her desk before pulling out the stencil of your tattoo. Turning on her heel, she presents it to you and you nearly choke on your coffee.

It’s perfect.

Every detail from her initial artwork has been transcribed onto the stencil. You find yourself hypnotized as you lean in closer. It needs to be on your body now.

"Corky," you start and she laughs, gesturing for you to sit in the chair. You do so quickly, placing your belongings on an empty side table out of the way.

"Don't go worshipping me yet," she teases, easily picking up on the dreaminess laced in your voice.

She drags over a small, wheeled cart, completely set up for your session. You're unfamiliar with everything on it, but you watch carefully as she sets up her rotary machine. After checking to make sure you didn't have a latex allergy, Corky puts on a pair of black, single-use gloves.

"I still gotta tattoo it."

Pulling her stool over, her gloved hand goes to your thigh. The edge of her thumb grazes the hem of your dress and tenderly—so tenderly you might faint—she pushes the skirt up. You meet her in the middle, pulling it the rest of the way so it settles just over your hips. Cool air immediately rushes between your thighs and you've never felt more exposed. Corky guides your leg towards her and the thought of her face buried in your cunt flashes in your mind. Swiftly, you shake it away.

You allow her to position you as she sees fit while she preps your skin. Once satisfied, she presses the stencil to your skin to transfer the design. It takes all of your restraint to stay still and on the chair. How were you going to make it through a two hour session?

"Go check it out in the mirror." Corky points her thumb behind her and her voice sucks you back from your reverie.

Holding your dress skirt up, you walk to the wall mirror and examine the design. Turning to her, you hold a thumb up as she stares intensely at the exposed flesh. She hums in approval and you hurry back onto the chair. You get comfortable and again, Corky's hands are on your thigh. She's readjusting you and your teeth dig into the inside of your cheek to keep from moaning.

"Are you ready?"

You nod.

"Let's begin."

The first ten minutes are relatively quiet. The buzz of the rotary is the only thing distracting you from the dull pain in your thigh. Well, that and the fact that her other hand is gripping your thigh in a way that makes your head spin. Corky pipes up first over the noise.

"What do you do?"

You beam; you adore answering this question.

"I'm a florist!" You watch as Corky's brows raise in interest, her gaze intensely fixed on your leg as she works. "I actually own the flower shop just up the street."

The buzzing stops completely and her eyes are glued to your face, lips parted in surprise.

"You own Fern & Flora?"

You nod proudly, practically glowing from the recognition.

"No shit; one of my girls, Sue, is there every two weeks buying flowers for her girlfriend."

Corky's machine whirs back to life and the prickly pain on your thigh returns. You hum to yourself, going over a mental list of your regulars and who could fit the profile Corky described.

"She's always going on about how her girlfriend likes the—"

"Violets." You finish thoughtfully, unable to stop the genuine smile growing across your face. "Margaret's favorite flowers are violets and Sue never lets me forget it."

You watch the way Corky's face softens as you speak. Her thumb presses against your inner thigh and your breath hitches quietly in your throat.

"What's your favorite flower?"

Staring down at her in disbelief, a chuckle pushes from your throat. You gesture to the tattoo she was currently working on, hoping to highlight the array of roses she was getting ready to outline.

"Do you even have to ask?"

Corky's shoulders raise into a shrug, glancing up at you quickly before refocusing on your thigh.

"Hey, forgive me for making small talk." The smile in her voice is evident and you find yourself grinning along with her.

"What's your favorite flower?" You toss the question back to Corky, ready to take her answer and brand it into the back of your mind.

She takes a moment to think about your question. If it wasn't obvious already, you could tell that this was something Corky hadn't previously thought about.

"I think I'm going to have to swing by your shop at some point to answer that question."

You can't help but blush. Was she flirting with you?

"I'd like that," you admit, fiddling with your fingernails.

Corky doesn't respond, instead reabsorbing herself back into her work. But a sly smirk plays on her lips and you have to stare up at the ceiling to keep your thoughts at bay.

"I think you'd like cornflowers." You finally state after a minute of silence. The cool colors and perky petals reminded you of Corky's persona. The bouquets that you crafted with them were some of your favorites so far.

"I think I'd like anything you recommend."

Okay, she's definitely flirting with you. Brazenly, you reply with: "Then I recommend you visit me sooner rather than later."

"Oh yeah?" There's a teasing edge in Corky's voice and you feel the warmth rise to your cheeks. Her voice drops an octave lower and you've completely disregarded the pain in your thigh. "And why's that?"

In that moment, you’ve forgotten everything about yourself. The only things you could comprehend were Corky’s hands groping your flesh and the irritating whizzing of the rotary. You suddenly feel hot and the idea of stripping your dress off grows more attractive with each passing second.

“I want to make a bouquet for you.” The sentence is rushed from your own nervousness, but you mean every word. “The sooner you stop by, the better of a selection I’ll still have for the season.”

Caught off guard, Corky sputters out a cough. However, she doesn’t stop working. The machine is still on as she finishes the outline of your tattoo without issue. You glance down curiously and witness her face flush crimson. A delighted giggle squeezes from your throat and you swear Corky blushes deeper than before.

“I’ll come by tomorrow.”

Your laughter is replaced with a kind smile. “Promise?”

She nods.

The rest of your session goes swiftly. Corky works like a machine: detailed, efficient, and insanely accurate. Your small talk comes and goes in waves, more so that she can focus on her work above all else. With a final wipe of her towel, your tattoo is finished two hours later. She grins eagerly before looking up at you.

"Wanna check it out?"

You don't miss a beat: "Uh, of course!"

You practically spring off the chair, stretching your legs as you scurry over to the mirror. The hem of your dress is still bawled in your fists as you stare at your thigh. You can hear Corky snickering at you while you fawn over her work.

"Holy shit..." You are awestruck and you turn to her, gaping before turning back to the mirror.

"It looks incredible," she agrees, discarding her gloves before pulling the rolling cart over to the side and out of the way. She goes to her workstation, pulls a few documents out, and scribbles something down as you continue to gape and stare at your new tattoo.

You return to Corky's workstation, gathering your belongings as you ready your wallet. She turns to face you again, handing you paperwork and guidance on how to maintain your new tattoo. You listen to her instructions carefully, unable to stop yourself from staring at her chapped lips every few moments.

"Do you have any questions?" You shake your head, averting your gaze to the papers she gave you. It essentially regurgitated what she said aloud, but you were thankful to have something written to refer to. Corky had also included her business card that you examined, noting the handwritten number just below her professional contact information.

"Actually, I do have a question," you start, not looking up from the papers in your hands. "Do you give all of your clients your personal number?"

Turning the documents to Corky, you point at the handwritten digits just below her work email. She flushes briefly before clearing her throat.

"Well no," she starts and a grin is already curling on your lips, watching as she gathers her thoughts. "But I figured it would make sense to give it to you. For tomorrow."

You hum thoughtfully, glancing over at her workstation before looking at her.

"Can I borrow that?" You gesture at a Sharpie marker on the side and she snatches it up before handing it to you.

"Give me your arm."

Corky stares at you, bewildered by your demand, but obediently offers her right arm to you. Your fingers clasp her wrist, outstretching it so that her fingertips just barely graze the top of your chest.

You miss the sharp inhale Corky takes.

Carefully, you jot your phone number down, making sure to avoid writing over the pinup girl tattoo facing you. Once finished, you push the cap back on and place the marker in her open palm.

"For tomorrow," you parrot, giddily watching the flustered look wash over Corky's face. She nods quickly, clutching the marker before stammering for you to follow her so she can take the rest of your payment. You trail behind her, already working out flower combinations in your mind for Corky's bouquet.

Out of all the ones you can think of, cornflowers and roses are the most fitting.

🦇 tag list: @crvptidsmain, @astroph1les, @uraesthete

[destieltropecollection]

Destiel Trope Collection 2024 | Day 18: Amnesia

and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up | @cassiecasyl Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 2,704 Main Tags/Warnings: Memory Loss, Castiel in the Empty (Supernatural), Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Dean Winchester is a mess, Confusion, Dissociation, Dreams vs. Reality, Dean Winchester is Going Through It, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Hopeful Ending, Castiel reaching out to Dean, Dean Winchester Needs Castiel, Castiel Says "I Love You" (Supernatural), Angst, Hurt/Comfort Summary: The skeletons in Dean's closet are divine, but the hole inside his chest sheds feathers, and you know what they say about the thing with feathers.

three card stud | @autisticandroids Rating: Mature Word Count: 4,356 Main Tags/Warnings: Season Six, Script Format, Canon Remix, Pre-Slash, Experimental Style, Dark, Dean-Cas-Lisa Love Triangle, Infidelity Subtext, Mindwipe, Summary: A collection of script excerpts for a version of Season Six that goes a bit differently. Cas and Dean conspire. Lisa is oblivious, and they keep her that way. Dr. Freud always said nightmares were based on wishes, too.

After the Thunderstorm | @verobatto Rating: Explicit Word Count: 4,630 Main Tags/Warnings: Apocalypse AU, angel!Castiel, memory loss, hunter!Dean, enemies to lovers, falling in love, angel grace kink, top!Castiel/bottom!Dean Summary: Thunderstorms are weird in the Apocalyptic World. But they are known as dangerous and deadly. It's one of those nights, and the thunder brings a naked and beautiful man to the Human Resistance Camp. The man doesn't remember his past or who he is. Dean, the leader of the Resistance, will try to help him. They need all the help they can get against the heartless angels.

Remember When | @verobatto Rating: Explicit Word Count: 11,031 Main Tags/Warnings: Season 8, canon divergence, time travel, memory loss, case fic, slow burn Summary: Trying to find the demon tablet in the supernatural auction, Cas and Dean found Toth, an egypcian god of time. He sees the angel is being controlled by Naomi and decides to help him by putting him and Dean to a test. Sending them to England, Regency era. Or… how Dean has to deal with Emmanuel!Castiel, the angelic loss of memories and his wife Daphne again.

Map to Yesterday | @amaranthhiding Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 23,003 Main Tags/Warnings: Canon Universe, Mass Amnesia on Team Free Will, Mystery, Magic, Road Trips, Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery of Identity, Angel Wings, Rowena Is Part of Team Free Will, DCRB 2022 Summary: Team Free Will wakes up with no memory of where they are, or who they are. Left with nothing but some foggy shreds of their identities, they have to rediscover themselves and each other—and team up to piece together what even happened.

Here We May Be Free | @friendofcarlotta Rating: Explicit Word Count: 39,506 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Canon, Mermaid Castiel, Hunter Dean Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Fluff and Angst, Canon-Typical Suicidal Ideation, Amnesia, Magic, Falling In Love, Misunderstandings, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Top/Bottom Versatile Castiel/Dean Winchester, Creature Sex/Monsterfucking Summary: When Dean was eleven, he saw something in the ocean: a boy with blue eyes and iridescent scales. Almost twenty years later, a spontaneous detour after a hunt brings Dean and Sam back to the town where that encounter took place. And Dean can’t shake the feeling that Castiel, the owner of the local Mermaid Museum, looks familiar…

Unveil the Splendours of Your Heart | @thefandomsinhalor Rating: Mature Word Count: 68,868 Main Tags/Warnings: Modern AU, Homeless Dean, Famous Model Castiel, Memory Loss, Trauma, Assault, Hurt Dean, Fluff and Angst, Addict Sam, Protective Castiel, Cuddles, Pining Summary: When a reporter asks Dean, a homeless man with a mysterious past, why he exclusively keeps close to the billboards and posters of a specific male model—the one Dean likes to refer to as the angel with spectacular blue eyes—in a moment of weakness, thinking it won’t change anything about his situation, Dean tells him the truth: it’s how he finds comfort and solace. Something that is difficult to come by. That is until the story reaches the ears of Castiel Novak, the model in question.

Two Worlds Apart | @destiel-pirate-in-middleearth Rating: Mature Word Count: 70,329 Main Tags/Warnings: Amnesia au, Past Castiel/Dean Winchester, Starting Over, Amnesiac Dean Winchester, Falling In Love Again, Mutual Pining, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Nightmares, Dark fic, Meet cute. Summary: After being injured in a car accident and suffering memory loss, Dean spent the last five years attempting to put his life back together. The majority of his memories return, but something still remains missing—something he can't identify—that everyone is hiding from him, something that always remains unanswered. Dean’s past comes back to haunt him when he visits Sioux falls for a business meeting where he meets a stranger named Castiel. Something about the man seems strange and oddly familiar which makes Dean wonder if he knows him. But the guy always denies that. And that marks the beginning of a quest to solve the mystery of his past hidden in between those recurring dreams which becomes more vivid the more time he spends with Castiel which soon leads to a painful realisation and series of regrets.

[sciencelings-writes]

My tLoZ and LU Masterlist

UPDATED 11/19/2023

Of Dubious Sophistication: 6/? posted chapters, Wild meets the chain on a day when he has to act like an important person and decides to fuck with their initial misconceptions of him. Mostly formatted to give each of the Links to come to their own conclusions about Wild, a Compilation of oneshots with a vague overarching plot.

Another Second Chance: 2/? classic Wild gets pulled into the AOC timeline and is tasked to help prevent the calamity. But he looks different enough from his counterpart that he doesn’t reveal his true identity. He accidentally parallels Astor in the whole mysterious sorcerer/ seer vibes as he both knows the future and popped out of nowhere in a dramatic cape and ancient technology. Lots of interaction between Wild and the champions and there is both angst and hijinks. There’s also stuff about the new champions as most of it follows the plot of AOC. Also Wolfie is there because I thought it would be funny for him to bop around the baby egg guardian.

The Silence of the Knight: BOTW pre-calamity fic that’s mostly an introspective fic about why Link went silent and how everyone around him reacts to his lack of outward emotions. I just saw the concept of people seeing him as not quite human because of his refusal to show any emotions and wanting to catch a glimpse of how/ if he reacts when tragedy strikes, just to see if he has the ability to feel anything at all.

Heavy in Your Arms: Wild hated getting his memories back. They could be triggered by seemingly anything, they forced the entire group to stop or have someone stay with him until he got over it, which mostly ended up being Twilight, and he tended to end up feeling terrible. Even the good ones were bittersweet, when he saw glimpses of a family that was long gone or a fleeting moment when his life wasn’t destined to be a nightmare, only to open his eyes a century later having lost everything.He knew it was starting to become a hindrance on their quest and the last thing he wanted to be was a burden. (part of a series focused on the Wolf Trio)

I’ve Seen Hell (But This is a Bit More My Style): BOTW Fem!Link fic focused on how being the first female incarnation of the Heroes Spirit would be treated with a little bit of Zelink as a forbidden relationship. Link is angry and all of her past lives are just as pissed as she is. She’s seen as a harbinger of the calamity rather than the hero sent to stop it. And she’s seen as a mistake of the goddess and proof that the 10,000 years of peace was now at an end. General woman problems you know? (Sequel incorporating LU in progress) also please mind the tags.

Swordcrossed Lovers: Fluffy oneshot of the above au, Link and Zelda go to Gerudo Town and flirt while sword fighting. Zelink Week 2022 prompt: Sparring. 

Champions Possessing Wild Oneshot Collection: The champions possess Wild sometimes, it leads to some shenanigans 

The Unironic Magical Properties of True Love: totk role swap, Zelda find where Link has been hiding since being stuck in the past.

*NEW* Forever Changed: post totk zelink, where they both come back a little differently and have to deal with the immediate aftermath of... everything.

Requests/ short oneshots:

The Idiots of the Wind: Wind makes friends with the spirit of Revali and they team up to mess with Wild, mildly traumatizing him in the process. 

A Waste of Pretty Faces: Wild and Warriors bond over something they didn’t expect (mind the warnings and tags)

To Kill What’s Already Dead: Set after sunset pt.7, Wild deals with not being allowed to see Twilight and with the very real possibility that his mentor is dying.

A Mosaic of Broken Glass: Link has a lot of scars, they don’t like them very much. Zelda is determined to help them work on loving themself. Non-Binary BOTW Link and I accidentally made Zelda asexual.

On Top Of The World: Day 1 prompt for Zelink week 2022- One Last Look, Link and Zelda reunite after the final battle with the calamity. Idk what to say it’s just pure fluff. 

Frightful & Delightful: Wintery LU fic that is Hyrule-centric for a secret santa. Hurt/comfort, but mostly fluff. 

3 Sentence Fics: Lots of short fics in one place, including LU, botw Zelink, and my own AUs!

The Many Duties of the Princesses Appointed Knight: Fluffy pre-calamity zelink hair braiding, not me basing a whole fic off of a vague idea... 

The Caretaker of Holy Things: OC fic made for a zelda creators collab, the Priestess of the Temple of Time remains at the great plateau while the calamity rages around her, unfortunately, she’s due to have visitors. 

Whumptober 2022:

Prompt 2: Nowhere to Run: Aryll from my priestesses AU meets the Fierce Deity for the first time.

Prompt 5: Hypothermia: Link and Zelda from my Golden Priestesses AU journey up to the Temple of Nayru to the spring of wisdom.

Prompt 9: Caught in the Storm: Zelda spends one hundred years fighting the calamity, even though he’s slumbering in the shrine of resurrection, Link still finds a way to help her keep her head above water.

Prompt 10: Whipping: Wild from my Fem!Wild AU has to reveal some things about her past after having a panic attack post-battle. Kind of a rewrite of part of the comic where Wild throws himself in front of Wind during a fight, you know the one. 

Prompt 15: Emotional Damage/ New Scars: Wild visits the forgotten temple after the events of LU, he mourns. 

Zelink Week 2023: 

Day 1: Yearning: All In Good Time: Fem! Zelink AU during the events of LU, Wild misses her Princess. 

Day 2: Forbidden: The Ballad of Frost and Flames: Fem!Zelink AU, pre-calamity while Link is still in hiding, they meet at a masquerade ball. 

Day 4: Hand in Hand: The Fable of the Dragon and the Phoenix: MAJOR TOTK SPOILERS, Zelda makes and eternal choice and Link learns to rise from the ashes.

[valeffelees]

An Ask Game for Writers to Procrastinate Working on Your WIP(s)

thank you kindly for tagging me @shrekgogurt @youarenevertooold, and @monbons i've been seeing this game make its rounds on my dash and was really hoping someone would pull me in!

🦈 Tell us the name of one of your WIP(s)

my main three wips at the moment are without sun, ballad of the final sparrow, which is more commonly known as bitverse, and fragile things (and how to break them), but i've also been fucking around a bit the last two or three weeks with a new (terrible, evil, very self-indulgent) wip called god-forbid.

🍄 Describe one of your WIPs in the format of “___ + ___ =___”  

i think i might be dumb bc i don't understand this question at all.

🌍 What tags or warnings will your WIP(s) need if you intend to share it?

bitverse: heavy angst, psychological horror elements, alcohol abuse, allusions to suicide, unhealthy coping mechanisms, dead dove: do not eat.

🧭 An alternative title to one of your WIP(s)?

ballad of the final sparrow -> baz is typing fragile things (and how to break them) -> there's a werewolf in london god-forbid -> the gap between a tragedy and comedy

⚠️ Which WIP you’re most likely to finish or update next?

i have no idea. i mean, you'd think the answer would be without sun since it's the only fic i actually have posted at the moment, but unfortunately i am an untrustworthy villain.

💾 What is the document of your WIP called? (Not the story title, but what you’ve saved it as.)

same as the fic title. if i start a new wip and don't know what to call it, i'll pick something at random and add (working title) at the end.

🖍 Post any sentence from your WIP

from without sun:

“You don’t like peppermint,” he says. But maybe she does. Maybe that’s one more thing he can add to his growing list of things he got wrong about Agatha Wellbelove. No. 1 — Dislikes peppermint; actually, she is quite fond of it. No. 2 — Likes Simon Snow; him, not so much.

♻️ A scrapped idea for your current WIP

one of the biggest changes i made to the plot of without sun really early on was penelope's role in the story. i had a clear idea of the story i wanted to tell as soon as i saw the prompt for the fic. without sun was always supposed to be about more than simon and baz. the story is about grief and love, and the space we take up in the lives of the people around us. but n e way, in my orig draft, penny was actually supposed to be able to communicate with simon a bit, and there was gonna be a whole sect of scenes in the middle of the fic where they sat around together trying to break simon's curse what we know and what we don't know style via passing notes. i ended up tossing this idea really quickly tho, and i'm glad i did bc one of my favourite moments i've ever written in any fic happens in chapter two of without sun and it belongs to simon and penny.

🤔 What’s a story you’d love to write but haven’t even started yet?

so many. or, well—what counts as "haven't even started"? i hate to let ideas sit around in my head bc it feels like leaving raspberries in the fridge for too long, like that shit is gonna get mould on it, so usually the first thing i do is rough out a few scenes and/or script out a very rough outline of the plot (like this / this / this style) so that i have something to come back to later. i have dozens of zero drafts just lying tf around. but otherwise, yeah, so many. one big idea i have is called heart on fire and it's based on fanart, but i haven't started it yet bc obvs i wanna get permission from the artist first but i've been holding off reaching out to them about it until i've knocked a few of my less intimidating longfics off my wip list bc heart on fire is gonna fucking hefty so i don't wanna give'r until i'm sure i can manage it.

🤡 How many WIPs are you actively working on?

LMFAO

🛠 Is there a scene or anything in the WIP you are struggling with right now?

i'm having a real bitch of a time with agatha's main scene in chapter two of without sun, i've been fighting with it on and off for months, but i can't get it to do what i want it to do.

❤️ Not a question, just a second kudos to send.

cheers!

sorry for any doubles but, tagging: @drowninginships @cosmicalart @that-disabled-princess @fatalfangirl @cutestkilla @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @artsyunderstudy @thewholelemon @roomwithanopenfire @hushed-chorus @blackberrysummerblog @imagineacoolusername @nightimedreamersworld @prettygoododds @confused-bi-queer @mooncello and an open tag for anybody else who wants to procrastinate their wips!

[raitrolling]

Cursed Drabble meta post because i cant help myself sometimes

while i dont think i nailed the vibe for the tumblr reader x celebrity self-insert fan fiction (mainly because i just Could not get through a single fic without dying of cringe. im sorry i do not vibe with this genre in the slightest for reasons that are probably evident in how i wrote that fic) and its probably more wattpad / quotev fanfic tier, i think i did pull off the standard tropes for those sorts of fics

like how the self-insert is supposed to be a blank slate for anyone to, well. self-insert into, but they're always very obviously written to be (cis) women. and the author can't decide if they want their self-insert to be meek and easily smitten, or sassy and genre-aware, as well as simultaneously living the fantasy of having a glamorous lifestyle that people would be jealous of, but she's also totally just an ordinary girl you guys. see, she's got average looks!

and also the combination of fulfilling the fantasy of 'what if my dream man saved me from a scary situation like gross dudes hitting on me', and the fact that the love interest is... often not written that much better than the bad guys lmao. the 'i saw you from across the room and immediately fell in love and wanted to protect you because you are so beautiful' seems to be popular in self-insert fics from what i skimmed through, but a lot of the time the dudes always come across as creepy to me. but in this fic sharle is using french terms of endearment so clearly he is sexy and romantic and not also a weird sleaze, duh

i died the most writing every single piece of sharle's dialogue but also the descriptions talking about how hot he is, btw. the line about the reader imagining his hands choking someone and them smelling his intoxicating scent in his bedsheets both made me want to hurl LMFAO props to people who can write that shit, id rather swan dive off a cliff thanks (tho the hand focus is also due to me listening to that read-through of the foxhole court and the video essayist mentioning how often the characters in that story grabbed each other by the chin. i was just like 'ok yeah i need more hand stuff in this people eat that shit up')

the warnings at the start are there solely because when i was scrolling through the tumblr tags for reader self-inserts i saw quite a few that warned for swearing which i thought was funny since like. this is a 13+ website. you can say the fuck word here and not get in trouble. apart from the cringy dialogue i wouldnt say anything in the fic actually merits a warning, but i felt like i needed to add the other stuff to keep it true to the formatting style that is common for tumblr self-insert fic

the bit with ropikk at the end definitely breaks the illusion and probably turns the fic into some 'lol well that just happened' marvel '''humour''', but tbh i just wanted to include a 'he would not fucking say that' joke and needed to write a palate cleanse LMAO you can pretend that last paragraph doesn't exist if you dont like the immersion-breaking

anyways uh. this was a lot of words i wrote to explain my stupid drabble i wrote as a joke and because people voted for something cursed. you can't say i half-ass anything lmao

[wannaeatramyeon]

You really said that you don't have any plans of writing any other series and then dropped this ✨masterpiece✨ (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。

BISHHHH! IT WAS SOOOO GOOD. I WAS SKEPTICAL AT FIRST BUT THEN AGAIN IT WAS YOU WRITING. I LOVED IT 💜💜💜

also can I be 🕊️ anon?

Hope yall don't mind me responding to these in one go. Also please note my anon tagging is terrible but I do remember all my anons! I think I'll probably do this batch format moving forward? I SUCK at conversations through the inbox but also a) don't want to be rude 😅 and b) clog up people's dash.

+ Tip - filter 'ramen asks' tags in your settings if you're just here for the fics.

Non fic-request asks answered: 7 (you might want to check if your asks are here anons!)

🕊️ anon! Thank you for reading! You are being much too kind. I really had no plans to write anything long and uh... the nthis happened. It's ALWAYS good to have a healthy dose of skepticism though haha. I. I just. Idk how I feel about my longer fics at all but I'm glad you're enjoying them!

Anon?! Ah that's so sweet to say and I'm glad my fics are accessible for you!I don't struggle so much with focusing, but there are some formats and fonts that I really find difficult to read. Give me a shout especially with regards to format/font side if things ever deviate with my writing and I'll try to correct it!

Goo brainrot anon, you know who you are with your exquisite taste 🫶

And on my other response that Goo brings out our feral sides, and imo also has the most feral simps... Would be hilarious to watch you guys in a cagematch for Goo's affection. And you KNOW he would love that. 2A style.

I'm sorry this is actually our sweet Ying's/@mymxnfgh hc which you can read here. I don't want to just steam roll ahead with her idea especially if she reads HTF! Hope you understand.

Babe, I'm completely with you. I wrote this about Eli but really to go on about WTF is happening with his character and plot. Fuck 5A man.

Answering this like... a month late but we're still waiting lol. YES THE ADIDAS SAMBAS! I saw the theory too. I'm not 100% sure if Jake fits but I will just take whatever crumbs of my No.1 green flag PTJ will give!

Anon I am so so sorry for my super late response. Have you watched the PTJ video from a while ago where he talks about Samuel's charming chest? I think you may like that.

Anon, your opinion on Vasco is perfectly valid AND CORRECT. Altho our lil cinnamonroll is at least getting a personality lately so I can't be too mad.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

LMAOO dw it’s just part of your character development that’s honestly really funny (the way that you always find crazy people around you is also kinda crazy LMAO not even kidding you really did get the “it’s for the plot/character development” treatment

So real it’s definitely not ALL animanga but you can tell there’s some that just let the art or style carry actually I think you bring up a really good test though!! Like if you can co very it into a light novel and have it still be good then you know there’s at least some substance beyond just the visual effects…omg the jjk discourse about the female cast fr irks me like guys even maki is NOT developed enough like she fr is always just alluded to as tojis copy so??? Bro angel/hana’s treatment was actually foul I’m ngl I barely even remembered her until I saw her in the second to last chapter and immediately face palmed like bro why…..but yeah jjk is definitely not AWFUL awful but not as peak as everyone screams about

Oh definitely orv cast is developed and actually relevant also yess i love the platonic relationships and dynamics!!! Kdj and hsy are so funny LMAO I love seeing that kinda found family/platonic connection with kdj and co.

LMAOO so real like there’s chronically online but then there’s an even more extreme where it’s really “do you ever see the sun” but speaking of that post you reblogged made me giggle “are you pro or anti ship” “I have a life” LMAOOOOOOOO so real like it’s really not that deep guys

DDHSHS people on wattpad fr cannot handle reader not being the Mary Sue ultimate it girl with a reverse harem also to the people saying it’s perfect except the OCs bro it wouldn’t be the same without the ocs like let’s be real please and yeah like ESPECIALLY since it’s not even a commission of any sorts maybe you were just posting for the sake of being able to read it all through wp formatting and platform too, why people have the audacity to actually spew shit like that is beyond me like ok it’s not your story though??? And you really took the effort of writing out a comment to say this it’s much faster to just click the close tab button?? It’s like they comment thinking that you’ll go back and edit out all instances of your ocs??? Honestly disappearing off wp is such a mood

LMAO yeah I’ll definitely casually watch the anime because at least the animation usually has some cool scenes too but nothing all too serious after knowing what happens (actually I’m excited for the memes to come when the Yuta and cockroach curse get animated HAHA)

SHSGSHSHS it’s ok if you end up converting there’s a good chance that at some point I’d follow suit knowing us but the opposite sides of a war trope is actually so interesting I haven’t read anything with that in awhile?? Just generally not even on tumblr so many possibilities for adding in complexities and depth…wc Kunigami esp with the angst and the whole transformation of wc

REAL when kaneshiro fails yk Mira’s got you….still baffles me how yukis been sidelined (literally) sm WAIT AHAHAHAH im crying if it were otoya instead of yuki fwtkac i can imagine it where instead of reading looking at yukis account during that lunch scene she’s looking at otoyas profile and karasus like “bruh his hair looks like a fucking leek you like this one???” And then he enters the room where they play tag and he’s like “HOLY SHIT ITS THE LEEK DUDE YOU MF” while otoyas trying to think which of the fifty dates he went on karasus referring to

Ok good LMAO ik sometimes when people type on a keyboard they’re wrists get tired which is why the buy wristpads so jic that was you I didn’t wanna be making you type a whole essay response like normal LOL WAIT GAHAHAH the recent one where sae goes “this goal is still lukewarm” and literally has the whole genie looking trail this is too good

LMAO I’m gonna be honest most of the media I consume usually isn’t for the romance factor anyways like I usually watch kdramas after seeing like a cliffhanger betrayal/dramatic moment so I don’t even mind that it’s not super romantic LOL I agree having some crack shenanigans content is good it balances out the angst and romance

LMAOOOO noted I will take this calibration into account in the future o7 but YEAHHHH PURSUIT very hype

- Karasu anon

PLEASEEE i have made so many opps in my life and honestly i know there’s a saying that if you make enemies out of a lot of people you’re the problem but i really don’t think i am?? like i always try to self reflect and i definitely have been villainous in the past as has everyone but there’s a startling amount of people that dislike me for dumb reasons JHSFSD omg it’s so bad

whenever i think of dropping someone i’m like oh was i the bad person in this situation but being objective i hardly am 😭 this girl i think was just really jealous of me and so took the opportunity to put me down at any opportunity (she was also lowkey islamophobic and as almost half of my family is muslim i did not find her jokes terribly funny) and she was also one of the ones that like if i liked a guy she was suddenly OBSESSED with him meanwhile they wouldn’t even know who she was?? like she’d go up and talk to whatever guy i idly said was cute and they’d literally be like “who are you lol” 😰 there’s a lot of weird stuff w her she’s also HUGE into jjk and jjk x readers so i’ve always been terrified she’ll find my account hence why i don’t ever do face reveals or post pictures of things she might recognize (like my dogs…we had already stopped being friends by the time i started riding cloudie so i’m not scared of posting him) she only ever read on ao3 and didn’t try to figure out tumblr + she liked gojo choso and nanami none of whom i’ve written for so i probably would be safe but it’s still a thought in the back of my mind…anyways…

RIGHT like can you make a light novel out of this?? then it’s probably good…i think blue lock is a good counterexample actually where the story is very much so enhanced by the visuals because it’s a sport animanga but i think the sports genre is a little exempt from that test because who wants to read about sports KFHSD idk if that makes sense ANYWAYS everyone always says that jjk’s female cast is good as if not sexualized automatically equals well written…like yes gege did more for them in the sense that they were at least mostly covered up but that’s about where he began and ended 😭 BRO HANA GET BEHIND ME the way everyone hates her too i honestly just wish she got better treatment back when i was into jjk i LOVED her i honestly could write an entire essay about how i would’ve preferred she be written (like i did w kuni and yuki) but tbh the story started going downhill shortly after her introduction so idek where i’d start…suffice to say i would’ve had her be alluded to much earlier, not had her be obsessed with megumi (i think a romance between them could’ve been thematically and visually very lovely but NOT how it was handled and not given the fanbase jjk has), and expanded on the angel vs sukuna beef especially how that might’ve impacted the hana and yuji dynamic 😩 i think gege had the same problem as kaneshiro where there’s just too many characters but unlike bllk, there’s a much more expansive world in jjk too and that would’ve allowed for in depth exploration of more characters without slowing the story terribly if only that was a consideration yk

i don’t think jjk is horrible either!! there are a lot of things i enjoyed about it and i wouldn’t say it’s the worst thing to come out ever — it also suffers from having such a large fanbase that people are going to be disappointed no matter what direction gege goes in, so i have to give him that; however, agree, it’s not as peak as everyone says it is, and i think it’s fanbase would do well to recognize it for what it is (a normal shounen with slightly more gore but also with the regular pitfalls of the genre) sometimes i think the ending wouldn’t have been as disappointing if it hadn’t been hyped into smth beyond what it actually is yk 🤔 and honestly i don’t think it’s a failure of jjk to be that LMAO blue lock is very much so in that category and i still love that!! mostly because it is self aware and doesn’t try to do more than it has the capability for…instead it takes genre conventions and works inside them/expands on them (ego vs teamwork, the backstories of characters like snuffy) to maximize its impact?? idk if that makes sense HAHA like at the end of the day kaneshiro included anri’s hip waist bust measurements in the egoist bible and she’s also the only somewhat main female character so he’s not trying to beat the bad female cast allegations whatsoever he fr just threw chigiri in and called it a day but it works?? because he didn’t sit and say “hm how can we defy everyone’s expectations and astound the world” he was just like “ok soccer manga time”

I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ARE SO PRESSED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S SHIPS like i literally do NOT care i ship zero characters it absolutely does not matter to me…only ships that are important are nagimira, miraeita, and tabimira otherwise idgaf /j fr though like how hard is it to just scroll and ignore when you don’t like smth 😰 also the entire school of thought (mostly from 15> year olds) that you should just stop engaging in fandom or liking characters or whatever after the ripe elderly age of 20 is SO FUNNY but also insane like who do you think is writing the fics you enjoy?? i have many thoughts on it that would get me cancelled but to me the line is like “okay if the mangaka/anime studio drew the exact same character and said they were 20 would i believe them?? if so it’s whatever if not that’s a little weird” for example when i was a kid watching indigo league i liked gary oak LMAOOO but now i wouldn’t like him because he very obviously looks like a kid yk?? but there is functionally no difference in the way that megumi, inumaki, and ino from jjk are drawn despite them all being wildly different ages it’s truly just arbitrary and in my experience a lot of shounen is just adults writing stories about other adults and then making them be “in high school” to appeal to their target audience and make their characters be more relatable to high school boys aka the main readers 😭 anyways at the end of the day people like to police stuff like that a lot so i don’t really share my thoughts on it but it really is just live and let live i promise you whatever character you’re defending does NOT care that people are writing fics about them they are literally just lines on a page…

PEOPLE ON WATTPAD ARE INSANEEEE bro (related to the earlier point) it’s the same people that complain about adults liking characters that start spamming the most insanely foul sexual things at the age of thirteen like how do you even know what any of those words mean?? forget about saving yuta okkotsu from anne at accounting who likes to read fics about him after work SAVE HIM FROM THE TWEEN FANGIRLS THAT WOULD GET HIS ASS ARRESTED ‼️ since we’re applying irl morals to fiction and all it very much so is illegal the other way too 😭 anyways yeah they always have smth to complain about like if y/n isn’t a reverse harem lead with every single guy at her feet, every power in the world, cringy “cold” personality where she’s uber strong and tells people to commit, and isn’t lame asf they go insane?? people complain in the early chapters of pomegranate ink that it’s “embarrassing” how reliant the reader is on noritoshi and how she’s always sucking up to him…like hmm…let’s apply some critical thinking here…why would she (who’s been told her entire life that she’s good for nothing but bearing heirs, has been essentially locked in her room for her whole childhood, is considered “worthless” because she didn’t inherit her family’s powers, and was almost married off to NAOYA ZENIN) be grateful to the one man who allowed her to have her own agency and treated her like an equal??? why would she be unsure in herself?? why would she ask for help constantly and think she’s weak??? also when they complain about her being weak omg please this story is 200k words i’m sorry she doesn’t start off strong but that would literally be so boringgggg it’s all about the slow development!! by the end of the story she’s brought someone back to life, is a grade sorcerer, defeats a special grade curse (because lbr she could’ve gone all of the way and killed jogo if it weren’t for plot needing him to be around longer), takes control of her ENTIRE CLAN, talks shit to sukuna’s face and then is instrumental in his defeat COME ONNNN SHE’S NOT WEAK FOREVER GIVE HER TIME she’s been abused for years it’ll take her a sec!! and speaking of abuse don’t get me started on the way they talk about reader’s mother LFKJHSDLKFJ they fr act like she’s the true villain when she’s in no better of a situation than reader 😭 actually things are worse for her because she has no one but her daughter left and her relationship with reader only just starts healing in pomegranate…god forbid we have complex female characters though!!

HELP if i convert to itoshism i’m dragging you down with me i can’t do it alone!! and i think opposite sides of a war necessitates writing a conflict that isn’t black and white (or else one of the characters would be evil and that’s usually looked down upon) hence why most authors steer clear as that can be difficult to do without making any one side into a villain HAHAHA maybe one day i’ll tackle the challenge again!! believe it or not i have done so previously in ship in the harbor and ig i did it well enough people seemed to like it…who knows LMAO

PLEASE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING like fwtkac reader posts a picture of herself and otoya on a date and karasu swipes up on the story with an entire paragraph about how her new boyfriend is ugly horrendous hideous nasty fresh out of the swamp and whatever other insults fwtkac bestie came up with meanwhile reader is just like ?? your hair can be measured with a protractor ?? LSKFHSDKFJH omg there would fr be no tabieita it would be tabiken and then otoya would just be there because karasu will never forgive the “shrek lookalike” that almost stole his girl…wait that reminds me that according to hiori fwtkac reader is the only girl karasu follows on social media??? idk but that’s making me laugh rn because i think i wrote that he’s friends with all of reader’s friend group but he’s just so loyal to this girl who absolutely despises him that he won’t follow any other females but her 😭 honestly for all of her academic genius looking back fwtkac reader is so dumb because how did she not read between the lines there…

HAHA DW i’m all good!! i’ve recently begun responding to your asks on my ipad instead of my iphone which is why my responses have gotten exponentially longer and less emoji riddled LMAOO so it’s been chill!! responding on my ipad also means no random glitching out since i’m doing it on the website which auto saves drafts iirc so double win fr

LMAOO if you do end up watching it lmk how it goes!! and yeahhh if i’m ever going to go on a long hiatus i’ll make it explicitly clear like you will be able to tell without question that i’m gone otherwise it’s probably just me being silly HAHAH anyways this ended up being a bunch of random unrelated rants i’m sorry 😭

[boltwrites]

Gurl I just saw that you declined the alphabets:( ughhh it’s such a boomer because your writing is the best specially when you write about our favorite bub ( Logan ) I was really looking forward into reading your headcanons because you write him so accurately, although you declined I still encourage you to think about it cause we all want some smt and fluff in our lives ( I’m also not trying to pressure you into doing it but I just wanted to share how sad I was)

💐

i will likely still write some smut and dating headcanons for logan (and probably also wade) in the style of my “nsfw” and “dating” headcanons that i’ve done for several other fandoms (i’ve done them for lok and most of the bad batch, for instance).

i’m not sure why the alphabet has become the standard for those sorts of headcanons honestly. and that’s no shade on the people who request or write it - it’s just a long ass fucking set of headcanons/blurbs and i’m a lazy bitch. i also feel like some of the questions are a bit unnecessary or could have been replaced with better ones if they hadn’t been constrained by the alphabet format.

not to mention how i’ve seen no less than 4 completed alphabets in the tags in the last several days. the fact is that not a lot of people want to read stuff that’s been done before 🤷

[alwek]

Spiders In My Head: what to call it

I've been wanting to do these weekly ramble things more often. I tire of being beholden to the one format of "this started to document my transition" style, and more into train of thought, autobiographical type thing.

Of course, that means changing the name of it to something else. But what? I imagine you know, person maybe reading this, what I've called it. I still have to have the thought.

I fancy myself a philosopher, you see. I used to hate the idea of being something so pretentious, but I saw a three panel comic one day that completely changed my mind on it. In what could barely be called two sentences, and a visual gag, I was taught that philosophy is so much more than pretentious dick fucks arguing about who deserves to live and die.

A few years ago we got it in our head that maybe our thoughts are worth saying. Maybe we could write some kind of book thing that teaches... something. I don't know. What I think life is, I suppose?

In the summer of 2020 i was hospitalized after a mental breakdown. I was under watch for half a year, and came out with a DID diagnosis and a monthly check for being disabled enough (because it's a competition). I met lively, and lovely people there. People with struggles like me. Before one guy that I hung out with most days was discharged, he gave me a plant, in a shitty little hospital bowl that was full of water. I took dirt from the tree in the common room, and let it root.

It nearly died a few times in the months since, from my own neglect. Her leaves left dull and droopy most days, reflecting the vibes of her terrible caretaker. She clearly hated her old bowl now. I got a new pot. I replanted her at my partners house, which I find sort of fitting. We had a very off and on relationship for our early days. Things got steadier around that time.

Charlotte, the plant, started doing better after. Granted, I also started watering her more, and put plant food in the dirt after it got stale. She became so dark, so happy looking. My happy little spider plant.

I used to get small bugs in my room a lot. The door to the room I sleep in leads directly outside, so it was a daily occurrence having to get flys, and months, and beetles, and spider (black widows get smushed) out. I got fed up with it after a while and decided the spiders could stay, thinking maybe they'd eat the more annoying to deal with insects. And well, it worked.

I let certain corners of my room be spider homes now, and I've had less bug bites in my sleep since. Less bugs noticably in my room in general. I even saw a cutie lil jumping spider in Charlotte a couple times.

That made me think "i wish the spiders could eat the bugs in my brain. They deal with the outside ones so good, why can't they eat the brain bugs"

And so, maybe I lied in the beginning when I said you'd know the title of this little rebrand before me. This whole project, i guess you could call it, of mine is my way of trying to get spiders to eat my brain bugs. So I decided before I even started writing this, I'm calling it

Spiders In My Head

(No relation to cage the elephant)

Maybe someone will listen, maybe nobody ever will. But talking to the nothingness helps too. Doing it here, for me, for us. It helps.

[[Abreviated tag for these posts is SIMH]]

[maniculum]

(First, I apologize for the delay. I lost about an hour of research time to an extremely chatty colleague -- I couldn't think of a good way to say "please stop trying to make conversation with me because I'm very invested in finding a thesis on snart for Tumblr".)

Some items from the notes

#oh fuck I KNOW the thesis you're talking about OP but I don't remember the person's name!!!#this is going to haunt me. I can see the person in my brain but I don't remember their name!!!!!#they were (are?) on tiktok or instagram because I saw a tiktok/reels style video from them about their snail symbolism research

@werewolf-transgenderism if you remember, please post it and tag me because this is driving me nuts.

@carryonlikewedidbefore I got stuck on that same Killacky garden-path for like half an hour. "Surely," I thought, "a current PhD candidate who published an article for a popular audience about this topic is more likely than most people to have written an MA thesis about it in the past ten years." It was unusually hard to find as theses go, but I can now tell you that her MA thesis was entitled "Kingship and Warfare in Malory's Morte Darthur" -- a ctrl-F of the PDF I was able to dig up (just in case) indicates that the word "snail" appears in the document exactly zero times.

Also, everyone posting articles and saying things like "I'm not sure if this is a thesis" -- an MA thesis is going to be at least five times as long as those (assuming a longish article and a shortish thesis) and will have a cover page that unambiguously labels it as such. It'll look something like this:

The specific format varies with the idiosyncrasies of each institution, but the cover page is (as far as I've ever seen) always present, and the verbiage is pretty much identical across the English-speaking world.

The book chapter from Whose Middle Ages? is infuriatingly lax on citation, to the point that it is virtually disqualifying by the standards of any serious publication. This is deeply annoying because if they had a bibliography it would be likely to reference our snesis (snail thesis) and the issue would be solved. Of course, if they can't be bothered to write a bibliography, I don't trust that they did any in-depth research in the first place.

Results thus far from my research

Anyway. So far the closest thing I've found to a recent MA thesis on the subject is by the same author of the article I've seen a few people post already -- "'I Have The High Ground!': The Snail and Knight Motif in the Margins of Manuscripts". Her PhD dissertation, completed in 2020, isn't about snails per se, but does spend some time on them. Here's the citation for that:

Shartrand, Emily R. Sexual Warfare in the Margins of Two Late-Thirteenth-Century Franco-Flemish Arthurian Romance Manuscripts. 2020. University of Delaware, PhD dissertation.

You'd think the bibliography from this dissertation would have some breadcrumbs to follow -- if someone's spending several pages of their dissertation on a subject, it's expected that they would have located and read an MA thesis about exactly that -- but the works she cites for the snails* are the same two that you see in every other article on the matter. This would indicate that the MA thesis we're looking for came out after Shartrand had already done the research for that section, which tracks with the timeframe suggested by OP.

* Camille, Michael. Image on the Edge: The Margins of Medieval Art. Harvard University Press, 1992; Randall, Lilian M. C. “The Snail in Gothic Marginal Warfare.” Speculum vol. 37, no. 3, 1962, pp. 358-367.

This doesn't necessarily mean that 2020 is our terminus post quem -- a dissertation is a multi-year process and while it would be expected for a PhD candidate to find this kind of source if it existed when they began their dissertation, it would also not be surprising for said candidate to miss said source if it became available during their dissertation process. So we're still looking at a "past ten years" time frame depending on how long Shartrand spent dissertating. I would actually place our TPQ in 2013: Shartrand has her Curriculum Vitae publicly posted online, and she completed her MA in 2013. Had The Snesis existed in 2013, she would have almost certainly found and cited it during initial research, but if it came out after she began, it would be easy for her to miss it. Unfortunately this fails to narrow the "past ten years" time frame at all.

Now here's a wild swing I'm going to take. OP, is it possible that the document you're thinking of isn't an MA thesis, but a BA thesis? When I was trying to narrow the timeline for when the Snesis could have appeared, I (as mentioned) checked Shartrand's CV. Her BA thesis was entitled, "The Functions and Meanings of the Snail and Knight in the Margins of Manuscripts". This is outside our definitely-within-ten-years time frame (completed 2012), but it would explain why The Snesis is so difficult to find: undergraduate theses generally aren't published anywhere, because they're rarely considered a serious work of scholarship. (If someone does make a real contribution to the field in their undergraduate thesis, they usually recycle the work into some other form later in their career.) So if you wanted to get a copy of Shartrand's BA thesis and see if it's the one you're thinking of, you'd have to ask either Shartrand herself or Barnard College (the institution generally keeps BA theses on file somewhere).

I'm going to keep looking for possibilities other than Shartrand's work, but the Snesis seems elusive and I promise nothing.

Hey @elodieunderglass, other nerds on this webbed site, et al, can I have a signal boost for a very silly request?

you know the motif of snails in medieval art (snart)

I'm looking for a particular master's thesis on this topic, which was:

- probably written within the last 6 years

- definitely within the last 10 years

- the author is probably a woman and

- probably did the masters in the USA

Given snail art (snart) as a topic, there's a nonzero chance the author is a fellow tumblrina

[writingaboutdreams]

His Gift Part 5

A/N = So people seem to favour longer chapter so that’ll be the format moving forward. Just expect some longer times between updates going forth. I am a full time Uni student and i work part time so please be patient.

Warnings = 18+ minors do not interact, description of panic attacks, discussion of mental health, dark Morpheus.

Y/n explores the room after Morpheus leaves. Having not had much of a chance to do so in her dreams. She comes across a beautiful dark brown wooden wardrobe. Opening it she sees it's filled with dresses. All different lengths, styles and colours. Each one seems so extravagant. Y/n pulls a deep blue, what could be described as a simple dress compared to the others. She checks the tag seeing it’s her perfect size. Not wanting to dwell on how Morpheus got that information she puts it back.

Wandering over to the dresser she continues her search. Trying to find some simple t-shirts and jeans. Opening the first drawer she scoffs. It’s an underwear drawer, just not the kind she would wear usually. Full of sets made of delicate silk and lace, many of which seem impractical for everyday use. She grabs the simplest pair she can and looks through the next drawers.

After searching the entire dresser she still can’t find any jeans. The tops she did manage to find are similar to the dresses. Much too lavish and delicate looking. Moving back to the wardrobe she shuffles through the hangers. Pulling out a plain black just above knee length dress. Seeing it as her best option Y/n gets changed quickly. Once the dress is on she realises it scoops at the back but she can’t be bothered to change. Rummaging through the shoes she thankfully finds a simple pair of black flats and slips them on.

She takes the time to look over the bookshelf, filled to the brim with all her favourites and those she had never found time to get to. The bathroom is similar, filled with her favourites along with what looks like some very expensive alternatives. So not only has she been taken by some sort of immortal all powerful God, he’s been fucking stalking her. Despite the revelation she can’t help but feel a little calm. At least this means she wasn’t being paranoid.

Her internal monologue is broken by the sounds of a bird. She turns to see a raven on the balcony edge. Similar to the bird she saw outside the bookshop, but then all ravens look the same to her. She walks out onto the balcony.

“Hello there friend, don’t tell me you’ve been kidnapped too?”

“No actually-” the bird starts to talk and she yells. Stumbling backwards and nearly falling.

“Talking birds, okay this feels like a mental break,” she mutters to herself.

“No sorry,” the bird caws, readjusting, “Should have warned you, I'm Matthew. I help  Morpheus, Lord Morpheus I mean.”

“Matthew…” she thinks back to what Morpheus said, “You’re my guide?”

“Guide, chaperone, babysitter. Whatever you prefer.”

“Okay this is just getting fucking weirder by the minute.”

“”Why don’t I show you around the dreaming? I can show you the throne room, the library, the kitchens…”

Matthew keeps talking but Y/n realises something. Fuck her medication. Walking back into the room she heads for the bathroom. If Morpheus has been going through her stuff maybe he brought it here.

“Y/n! Y/n! Hey, I'm talking here.” Matthew caws, flying in the room. Perching on an armchair as she walks past him quickly.

Once in the bathroom she does a search through all the cabinets. Becoming more and more frantic as she comes to the realisation it’s nowhere to be found. She stumbles back in the bedroom, dropping onto the bed. Thinking back to her last dose she wonders how long it’ll be before she starts to go through withdrawal. It’s not like she can just pop out to her doctor's office while she is stuck here. She also doesn’t want to have to ask Morpheus for anything.

"Is everything alright, you kinda spaced out on me there?"

For a minute Y/n thinks about telling Matthew. But there's too big a chance he'll tell Morpheus or maybe Morpheus can read his mind. She doesn't even know if she can trust him yet. Swallowing down her panic she tries to make her voice as even as possible.

"Just realised I never checked to see if my medications were here. You know, iron supplement."

"Oh phew, well I can tell Morpheus and he can get them for you."

"Really it's no big deal. Cmon show me around dreaming."

Y/n hates to admit it but the dreaming is beautiful. Countless rooms, each more wonderful than the last. Matthew tells her more about Morpheus, his duties and powers as dream of the endless. As they walk through the various parts of the palace they pass many different beings. All seem to avoid her eyes and many even bow their heads.

“Why are they doing that?” she asks as they pace yet another person moving out of their way and bowing.

“Well you’re Lord Morpheus’s soulmate and he’s their king. So I guess that makes you a queen?”

“I’m not Morpheus anything and I'm certainly not a queen,” she snaps and Matthew is quick to redirect them.

After touring the grounds they end up at the library and Y/n can't hold back her gasp of wonder.

"Yeah he thought you'd love it here." Y/n ignores him in favour of examining the shelves.

"Oh my queen, I never realised you were here," Lucienne gives a pointed look to Matthew who shuffles awkwardly.

"We just kinda ended up here."

"I had started a collection of books you might enjoy your majesty, i could show-"

"Please don't call me that." Lucienne looks surprised, "My queen or your majesty. I'm not, I’m just Y/n."

"You are Lord Morpheus' soulmate which makes you a queen of the dreaming and of the nightmare realm. It would be improper to refer to you as anything else."

"Not even if I ask you," Y/n looks down, disappointed and Lucienne relents.

"If you wish, Miss Y/n." Y/n beams at that and Lucienne shows her the collection of books before moving away to tend to the library.

Y/n flips through the various books. Finding each one something she would love to read. Picking one at random she settles in an armchair and starts to read.

Time passes strangely in the dreaming and Y/n is unsure how long it is before she looks up from the book. Matthew moves unsettled and she goes to speak before...

There’s the sound of thunder outside, so loud it seems to shake the whole palace. The books start to fall off the shelves and the furniture is shaken about. In fact the whole library seems to shake. The ground beneath her cracks slightly and Y/n jumps up.

"Matthew what’s-" before she can finish her sentence she finds herself no longer in the library. She's back in the room she woke up in. Running to the door she tries to open it but it won't budge. She finds the doors to the balcony the same.

Sitting on the bed her chest feels like someone has just dropped a bag of weights on her. Her breathing comes out shaky and uneven. Her leg shakes and her hand trembles. “No no please not again.” She reaches a hand out to grasp onto the bed sheets, needing to hold something.

"Fuck shit, okay you can do this. Breath in for four, hold for seven, breath out for eight," her voice is wobbly as she forces herself to repeat the steps. Ignoring the panic threatening overwhelming her.

"My name is Y/n L/n, I am in the dreaming, I am safe," she repeats the mantra but it’s not working. The room shakes again and she lies down on the bed. Eyes clenched shut.

Dealing with John Dee was more difficult than expected. Morpheus did not foresee the damage he would do to the dreaming. The only thing he was glad of was that he managed to keep Y/n safe throughout the encounter. Unsure of what might have happened to her, how John Dee might have used her against him.

He takes a deep breath in, using his now restored powers to fix the dreaming. He checks in on Lucienne taking her assessment of damage. It could have been a lot worse, he is thankful he was able to deal with it as quickly as he did.

He sees Matthew perched at the table in the library. "How is my love? She was not hurt was she?" the panic leaks into his voice.

"Well she was freaked out but she disappeared in her room pretty quickly."

"Good. And you…are unharmed?"

"I'm fine, bossman."

Morpheus gives a small smile before he moves off to continue his duties. As much as he wanted to rush straight to his queen it takes several hours before he is able to break away. Not wanting to leave his realm in disarray again. Once everything is accounted for and fixed he makes his way to Y/n's room.

He had wanted to put her in his rooms originally but after listening to Matthew realised it might be too fast. He half expects Y/n to come rushing up to him as soon as he opens the door. Eyes blazing, yelling at him for something or another. He did not know how refreshing he would find it to have someone feel able to speak freely with him. Though his temper was something he needed to control, he did not want his love to be afraid of him.

Waving a hand the door opens easily and he walks in. The room is eerily quiet and it puts Morpheus on edge. He looks around not seeing Y/n anywhere, “ My love? Where are you?” he tries to keep his voice steady. There’s the sound of a choked sob across the room, he marches over to see Y/n huddled in a corner of the room. He bends down in front of her, keeping his voice low and gentle. “ My heart, are you injured? Are you hurt? Tell me what’s wrong? ”

Y/n is shaking, her head covered by her arms. She slowly lowers them, giving Morpheus a view of her tear stricken face. She scrambles forward, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Please don’t leave me alone again.”

Morpheus feels frozen. His arms stay limp by his side as Y/n burrows into him, pressing her damp face to his neck. He has been so eager for her touch, for her to choose to come to him, to express affection openly. But now he has it he doesn’t know how to react. He doesn’t want her to snap back to reality or to be scared off. It’s only when she lets out another sob that Morpheus finally reacts. He wraps his arms around her, standing up and keeping her in his arms. He feels overcome when she presses her face harder into his neck.

He moves them into his room with a swirl of sand. Placing her down on his bed he keeps as much contact as possible as he lies down next to her. With her bundled to his chest. He keeps one arm holding her close while the other pets her head. “ Shhh, my love, everything is okay. I am here, I won’t leave you. ” He presses a kiss to her forehead, savouring the feeling of having her so close.

She is mumbling something into his neck but he can’t decipher it. He twines their legs together, almost every inch of them touching. He makes his jacket disappear and covers them with the blanket. “My queen let me take care of you.” Slowly she starts to relax. He watches as she falls asleep, keeping hold of her even then. Not wanting to waste a single second of this.

Waking up Y/n feels well rested for the first time in years. She hums contentedly, taking a deep breath in. Smiling at the deep woody smell. It's then that she realises she’s not alone. Registering the strong arm wrapped around her middle. Holding her against the mystery person's chest. She turns to look over her shoulder seeing those stormy blue eyes gazing at her with far too much adoration.

She yanks herself free of his grip and stumbles out of the bed. Falling out of the covers onto the plush rug. Morpheus sits up, covers pooling around his lap. He looks striking against the dark blue bed sheets. It’s the first time she’s seen him without his coat but he still carries that air of command. His hair is more messed up than usual but of course he looks gorgeous. As if he was carved from marble.

He gracefully climbs out of the bed standing in front of her, holding out a hand “ Need some help my heart. ” she scoffs. Getting up without his help, she readjusts the dress she’s wearing. It wasn’t exactly designed for sleeping so it had rolled up throughout her sleep. She straightens up and sees Morpheus staring at her.

“How is it that even just awake you are the most stunning being i have ever seen in my life ,” He speaks so casually and she feels herself becoming flustered under his gaze. “If there was ever doubt of a benevolent creator, you would dispel all doubts. For only a truly benevolent creator would grace humanity with a living masterpiece.”

Dumbstruck by his words she feels desperate to change the conversation. Deciding to take the offensive, “Where am I?” she demands to know.

“In my bedroom my heart.”

“Kidnapping me from my world wasn’t enough, now you’re taking me from the room I have here,” she is careful not to call it her room.

“You were very upset last night, I thought it would be best to keep us together. You certainly wanted that. ” his words are a pointed reminder of last night causing her hackles to rise.

“Well locking someone in a room with no warning and no way out is a sure fire way to upset someone.”

“I apologise, there was an intruder in the realm. I thought only of your safety. ”

“An intruder, who?”

He steps closer, brushing a hand underneath her chin. His thumb brushing gently along her bottom lip. “It is nothing for you to worry about, I have dealt with them my love."

“Stop fucking touching me,” she jerks her head away, walking towards the door.

“You are quite fickle aren’t you?”

“Last night was an anomaly. Trust me it wasn’t that I wanted your comfort. I only needed your weird hypnotising trick you do. Nothing else.”

“Hypnotising?” He looks genuinely confused.

“The thing you do you know, when you touch me. To make me feel calm and floaty.”

Morpheus takes a minute to process this information before his eyes light up. A smug smile settled on his face. “I assure you that there is no “hypnotising trick” as you call it. It is our bond. It’s only natural for my touch, as your soulmate, to comfort you.”

“More with this soulmate bullshit,” she scoffs, “Why should i trust anything you say anyway?”

“You may not trust me but you will not disrespect our bond my heart,” His tone takes on a threatening edge and she feels a tinge of fear.

But she stays where she is staring him down, “Fuck. You.” In the blink of an eye she feels the hard wall against her back. Morpheus crowds up against her, pinning both her wrists in one hand above her head. “You seem unable to decide between fearing me and provoking me.”

She knows she should stop but she can’t. “You seem unable to decide between saying you’ll do anything for me and pushing me up against walls,” she snarks back. Part of her feels embarrassed, for Morpheus to see her when she was vulnerable. For her to beg for his comfort. The man who kidnapped her. The other part of her just feels fucking pissed off. “So if you could make up your mind. I'm getting sick of guessing if you’re trying to court me or threaten me.”

He leans in close, and Y/n begins to regret her words before he backs off altogether. Storming away before disappearing in a cloud of sand. Y/n slides down the wall. The adrenaline that was fuelling her anger disappeared as quickly as Morpheus did. What the fuck has she done now.

Taglist = @musemaniac42 @secretdreamlandmentality @supermegapauselouca @ultimatreality @one-loud-mind

[leidensygdom]

There is no wrong way to enjoy TTRPGs, as long as everyone at the table is having fun

I just saw a couple of people tagging some of my latest posts with concerns on how they are scared to DM TTRPGs because they can’t do battlemaps, so let me put a quick post together about this:

There is no wrong way to enjoy TTRPGs, as long as everyone at the table is having fun. Fun is the keyword here. Is everyone enjoying the game? Then you’re doing it right. Doesn’t matter how little or how much you want to have at your table. Doesn’t matter which system are you playing. As long as people are enjoying themselves, you’re doing it right.

This means a lot of things. Maybe your group loves playing by-the-book and never homebrews. That’s absolutely right. Or maybe your group has almost developed an entire system of their own after years of homebrewing. That’s also good- If everyone at the table like it and it is fair for everyone, you’re playing the game right!

Some people love super crunchy games filled with numbers and strategy and no RP. If everyone at the table enjoys that, then you’re doing it right. Maybe you like very deadly games and meatgrinders- If people at the table like that, it’s absolutely valid. Or maybe you just want to do RP and develop characters with none of the numbers. If that’s what your group wants, congrats! That’s also valid.

Some people love to painstakingly prepare every little detail and has 10 pages of notes for a session. It takes time, but it makes DMing easier for some. If it works for you, do it! Or maybe you like to go completely improv- If it suits your style and it works for the table, that’s also fantastic

Format-wise, you can play TTRPGs in many ways. Maybe you just want to go full theatre of mind- Absolutely valid. Maybe you don’t want to think about battlemaps but still need a way to make it work- I’ve seen people use emojis on discord to build a semblance of a battlemap. I’ve seen people use excel. People use google sheets. People use drawing software. If it works for your group, it’s good enough. Or maybe you play irl and want to go all in with painted minis and terrain, or the VTT equivalent of having fully animated maps full of spell effects and stuff. That’s also absolutely valid! Why wouldn’t it be?

There has been a lot of talking about the right TTRPGs to enjoy, and how to enjoy them, which has probably risen because of the OGL and people suddenly moving systems or finding new groups, or even people finding out animated spells are a thing. And of course, there’s some people willing to police how others have fun at their tables. Which- Let’s be entirely honest, if you see someone whine about “theatre of the mind sucks you’re just lazy” (or “you don’t need a fancy animated battlemap”, on the contrary) it’s better to just ignore the fuck out of them and move on. If it works for your table, go and enjoy exactly that. That’s what matters.

A lot of times people choose to play TTRPG one way or another to accommodate to their groups needs and their own, and trying to say what is “wrong” can easily fall into a weirdly ableist discourse. For example, I have a speech impediment: It’s gotten better over the years, but lengthy improv descriptions are a struggle. And so, I’d rather either prepare extensive descriptions in my notes, or draw a battlemap that puts my players into what I envision without a 5-minute narration that will burn my mental RAM. Someone with ADHD may need extensive notes to not go off the rails- Or maybe a dyslexic person can’t use notes too well and prefers to rely on improv. Aphantasia is a thing and some people can’t just imagine out of a text description, and they may prefer to see an animation instead of hearing someone describe it. The beauty of TTRPGs is that they’re wildly variable, and people have found endless ways to enjoy them- and adapt them to their needs.

So, for whoever needs to hear this, for whoever found some idiot on the internet telling you how to play your own home game: If your group is having fun the way you play the game, you’re doing it right. Don’t be scared to try out methods that work for you and your group, and adapt it to individual preferences, needs, and use whatever accommodations you need to make your life easier. Having fun is the objective, the way you get there is up to you.

[kazewhara]

# — pairing: modern!xiao x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, xiao, xinyan

# — warnings: suggestive content. (minors, beware.) swearing.

# — tags: suggestive content, modern au, pining, first kisses, smart ass reader,

# — notes: this was completely unplanned, like idk what happened, but it ended up becoming formatted (barely)... anyways, as always, reblogs are appreciated and i hope you enjoy!

✧ — 🍃 — ✧

xiao is somehow a magnet for tense situations

more often than not it's violence related. it's been that way since high school

he didn't ever do anything to initiate fights, but he certainly didn't run from them easier

usually, if someone tries to pick a fight with xiao, he'll just stare them down and ask:

"are you going to hit me?"

maybe... seven times out of ten, that works in de-escalating a situation. his fearlessness is unsettling to those who are just peacocking for no reason

but to those who aren't easily intimidated, that riles them up and they throw the first punch

xiao is no pushover -- "mama-ain't-raise-no-bitch" style.

he'll fight anyone who comes at him sideways, even if you tell him to leave it alone

but if they came at him the wrong way, why should he just let that slide?

all of this to say that you've had to patch xiao up a LOT over the years, even in college.

including tonight.

you two were attending a party thrown by campus superstar xinyan

it was a little rowdy because her music was high energy, but it was good vibes all around, everyone was having a good time

...until xiao accidentally bumped into someone and spilled their drink

he apologized right away, but this person was one of those "do you know how much this cost?!" types

xiao, who is not going to stand for any of that, immediately digs his heels in

you weren't there to witness it unfortunately... you only found out about the fight after xiao had knocked the person out, but not without injuries of his own

xiao finds you pretty easily in the mass of people and you panic when you see his nose bleeding

xinyan points you to a room and tells you where the first aid kit is, and you drag a very unwilling and unhappy xiao to a room to patch him up.

"seriously, you couldn't have kept your hands to yourself for one fucking night, xiao?!" you scold your best friend harshly as you inspect his bruised face. it's not terrible, but whoever hit him must have been wearing rings, because there's scratches in quite a few places. they got him pretty good.

xiao glares down at you. he's never liked being yelled at, especially when he felt he was in tbe right. "they hit me first." his brows twitch when you grab his hands roughly and start to clean his split knuckles. "you know i don't just fight people for no reason, so shut it."

you tsk and dab some antiseptic on the wounds. "you're so fucking annoying." you curse. "for once, xiao -- just once -- you could've just left it alone. if they didn't back down, then you should've got help." you squeeze his hand and curse quietly. "you could've called me."

xiao doesn't say anything. you seem to be pissed not only at the fact that he got into another fight, but also at the fact that you weren't there to help him.

you were never around when xiao got into fights. ever. he made sure of that. you always saw the aftermath -- the suspensions, the detentions, the nosebleeds, and so on, but not once have you ever seen him in action. call it cliché, but he didn't want you to see him like that.

part of that was because he wanted to maintain some shred of dignity. he never escapes a fight unscathed; he doesn't want you to see him getting hit. but the other part -- the biggest part -- was because he doesn't want you to be afraid of him.

there's no use in hiding the fact that he's a fighter, but one of xiao's biggest fears is that you will see him fighting and never let him touch you ever again. it's a selfish, dirty fear and he knows it -- especially since he can't exactly touch you the way he really wants to -- but he doesn't want to lose what he's already got.

"i never call you before a fight." xiao grumbles. "now seriously, knock it off."

you scoff. "fine." you finish bandaging his fingers and grab his face roughly, relishing in the pained grunt you get in response. "don't bitch about it now. you got yourself into this mess, so you gotta deal with the consequences."

"that doesn't mean you have to slap me." xiao pulls one of your hands off of his face with a roll of his eyes. "can you just shut up and clean my face?"

"why, so you can go back down there and get your ass handed to you again?" you taunt as you place a bandage on his jaw. xiao squints at you threateningly. you know he never loses a fight and you know how much he values his pride. you may be his best friend, but you really know how to push his buttons.

xiao tries to think of a way to retort without sounding like a five year old. "no, so i can go home." he seethes. "you can stay here alone for all i care."

you hum, unbothered. you don't even give him a response, you just clean his face with deft fingers. you may have gotten used to administering first aid, but xiao's never gotten used to the proximity necessary for it. he hates the way his heart jumps to his throat when you tilt his head to the side, carefully inspecting him for anything you may have missed. there are times when he wishes you could be this close and not have to scold him for fighting someone.

there are times when he wishes he could just... hold you.

not to say that he can't, because he already does. you two have been friends for over ten years -- you've been tangled together for such a long time that being close to you really shouldn't be the worst of his problems. but it is, and xiao thinks less of himself for it. he's become greedy over the years.

"christ, are you even listening?" your voice fades in suddenly and xiao opens his eyes. he didn't even realize he'd closed them.

"what?"

"i said i'm done. go get yourself an uber and go rest, loser." you sigh as you pack the stuff away. "pain in my ass for ten years." you grumble.

xiao raises a brow at you. "are you going to say that to my face?"

"what, you think i won't?" you glare up at him. "i said, you're a pain in my ass." you reach up to flick your best friend's forehead but he catches your wrist and squeezes it.

"don't even think about it." he warns.

"you gonna fight me if i do?"

"you're going to lose." xiao scans your face closely, not liking the way your mischievous grin starts to grow. "i'm serious."

you must not take him seriously, because you use your other hand to flick his forehead with all your strength anyways. xiao's first instinct is to grab your other wrist, but as soon as you try to pull yourself back out of his grip, you pull too hard and topple backwards, taking xiao with you.

the first thing that crosses xiao's mind is that he's definitely seen something like this in those corny movies you like to watch.

you two are in a compromising position, with him hovering over you, pinning your wrists to the bed. it's not the first time you've been in a position like this, but something’s... off. xiao's already been battling with himself for the past fifteen minutes about this exact type of situation; being thrust directly into it does very little to help his conscience.

to make matters worse, you're not saying anything. you're just... staring at him. almost like you were expecting something. xiao has to force the next words out of his mouth.

"i told you," he says lowly, his voice foreign to his own ears, "you're going to lose."

you shudder almost imperceptibly beneath him, but he catches it. you wriggle your fingers, but still make no move to get out of his grasp. "and what happens if i lose, xiao?"

this is very, very dangerous territory. xiao doesn't know how you two got here, but you needed to get out of it fast before you did something you were going to regret.

he knows that this isn't safe, but he doesn't budge. he can't. greed locks him in place as he drinks in how vulnerable you are like this. you're completely helpless and yet you're not making any moves to fix it. xiao swallows tightly.

it wouldn't hurt to take just a little more... would it?

"do you really want to find out?" xiao can't stop his eyes from dropping to your lips. they're back on your eyes in a second, but he knows you saw that. his stomach flips when he sees you do the same. "losers tend to get hurt."

he tries his best to scare you, to get you to stop. because if you let him take any more, he doesn't think he'll be able to.

there's a slight curl to your lips that's between a smirk and a fond smile. "you won't hurt me, xiao."

xiao's not religious, but he starts to say a prayer in his head. "how can you be so sure of that?"

"i know you won't." again, your eyes drop to his lips. your brows furrow as though you're about to say something but you think against it. you smile invitingly instead. "we've been friends for years, xiao. i know you're thinking what i'm thinking."

you really weren't making this essy on him. the tips of his ears burn at your call-out. there's no hiding anything from you, really. granted, he's been hiding his feelings for you for almost six years, but you were really perceptive when you wanted to be. he just hates that you choose now of all times to notice when he wants you; his ears burn hotter when he wonders if you know just how much.

"if you want the truth, i'm really hoping we're not on the same page right now." he confesses. when you frown at him, he sighs. "what happens after that, then? if we really are thinking the same thing."

you roll your eyes and xiao starts to see the beginnings of a blush forming on your face. "there is no fucking way you made me pull some cheesy romance drama shit just for you to consider the pros and cons of making out with me."

"huh?"

"oh my god, you're so dense." you notice that xiao's grip has loosened on your wrists, so you free one of your hands and pull your best friend closer to your face, chuckling at the way his amber eyes blow wide. he stammers your name and you see his face start to turn pink. "do you get what i want you to do now?"

xiao, who was clearly unprepared for this outcome, is at a complete loss for words. it's moments like these when you remember that despite his popularity throughout the years, he's still got very little experience in this area. it's funny though, watching your hard-ass best friend be reduced to a blushing mess as the thought of kissing you.

"stop laughing, oh my god." xiao grumbles. he's not looking at you anymore. "you're so difficult."

"am i the difficult one here? i think i made myself pretty clear." you pause. "but, i mean, if you really don't want to, then i'll stop. i'm sorry, i kinda got carried away."

xiao scoffs at you. "now you apologize? you're such a handful."

"excuse me?"

"shut up." xiao murmurs. he doesn't give you a second to think before he's closing the distance between you two, pressing his lips to yours. it's hesitant and shy, like he's testing to make sure that this is really what you want -- like he is really what you want.

he eases up after a second to say something but you don't let him, tugging him back down into a firmer kiss. that's all the confirmation xiao needs to adjust himself, propping himself up on his forearm and squeezing the wrist he still has in his hand.

"fucking finally," he grumbles into the kiss. you make a mental note to tease him about that later. the second you swipe your tongue against xiao's bottom lip, you know that you two weren't going to be going home for a while, if at all.

xiao nips at your lip and a small noise escapes you against your will, causing him to hold your wrist even tighter. there might be a bruise there at this rate.

you make another mental note to apologize to xinyan in the morning.

✧ this... was not supposed to end up this way LMAOOO but idk i chickened out on the angst last minute bc best friend xiao needs to be boyfriend xiao much much faster okay.

[hhhecates]

Modern AU! Genshin College Boys HCs pt 1

# — pairings: albedo x gn!reader

# — characters: gender neutral reader, albedo, mentioned kazuha, xiao & venti

# — summary: just some college headcanons with albedo (and some sketches for visual at the end).  Here you can read part 2 and part 3 if you’d like.^^

# — warnings: none, just a lot of fluff, pretty boy albedo being cheeky cause that’s a warning

# — tags: hc format, wholesomeness, fluff, college au, canon divergence

# — notes: I originally wanted to do all the boys in one post, but this turned out to be so much longer than expected so I guess each one of them will have their own individual post, but I’m also adding little sketches at the end to make up for it^^

- Albedo actually switched his major a few times: he used to be a chemistry major, then he changed to biochemistry and now he double majors in biomedical engineering & biochemistry with a minor in fine arts;

- nobody knows how he manages to juggle all of that and be at the top of the class all the same, also because he always looks so put together, pretty boy could be stressed out of his mind and you'd be none the wiser;

- this bitch doesn't even have eye bags when he probably sleeps like 2-3 hours per night (and that’s being generous);

- although the unforgiving grip he sometimes has on his coffee cup is a dead giveaway of how overworked he really is (he literally has a new one every year or so and he uses the reusable steel ones too. Coffee cup abuse. On another note, Sucrose and Kaeya always know what to get him for Christmas at least. At this point it's more of a gag gift, but well.), don't talk to him in those moments, you'll get smote in the most polite yet chilling voice ever. There's no recovery to that. Ask Kaeya, he made the grave mistake to tease him on finals week (Hu tao held a funeral for his ego, Diluc eagerly took part in it too);

- Albedo is an intellectual, and as such he appreciates each and every kind of art, indeed, aside from his art minor (like this boy doesn't have enough on his plate already), he's also in a band with other students (Venti, Xiao, Aether and Kazuha to be precise) and he plays the guitar. Though literally no one but his two roommates (yes, Sucrose and Kaeya) know of this;

- Albedo also kinda pulls a Horimiya here, because if you saw him outside college you'd probably struggle to recognize him at all:

- he's got his brow and lip pierced aside from a few lobe piercings. Usually he takes them out on college hours because he says it gives the wrong impression and people may think he's unprofessional. He's lying. Straight at your face. He doesn't give a fuck about that, he knows he's good at his job, he just likes to see people's reactions when they see his piercings for the first time (man gets off to the fact it looks like he's appeasing societal standards, when he's actually doing the opposite, cause he damn well knows the number of piercings and tattoos you have is not inversely proportional to his working neurons, and what about it?);

- he also has a few tattoos as well, namely a star on his neck and similar patterned flowers and stars on his lower abdomen;

- Albedo has the softest and coziest style, from thick oversized hoodies to crisp white shirts and chunky, big knitted cardigans;

- he looks like he'd give the best and warmest hugs too, and while he's a little awkward with them, he'd be glad to give you one. At first he's always a bit stiff, but he quickly melts into them: he makes sure to brush your hair out of your face/neck too in order for you to be comfortable and he rubs your back if in comfort (this bitch also likes to dig his nails a little in the skin of your back as he rubs it because he knows it makes you shudder against him, and while he usually pushes your head in his neck when you hug, you swear that you can feel his playful smile against your temple, I told you this man is a menace. And I'll say it again);

- Albedo has that kinda dreamy aura to him (he is naturally inquisitive and often gets lost in his own thoughts, it's endearing, especially when you call out to him and he snaps back and looks at you with the widest eyes and raised eyebrows) but lots of people actually take it as him being younger than he already is, it's actually embarrassing the sheer amount of times he was sitting at the professor's desk, quietly doing his job as TA, and was instead mistaken for a student who had to attend lecture (he even got reprimanded a couple of times cause, why the fuck are you sitting at the professor's desk??). At this point it doesn't even bother him anymore (lies, it does, and Kaeya knows, poor Albedo won't ever hear the end of it. It's already bad enough that Kaeya sometimes uses him as an armrest. But he did get back to him by leaving some petri dishes with his bacteria colonies in Kaeya's fridge. Kaeya swears it was Rosaria whose shriek could be heard throughout the entire dormitory. Sure, sure);

- Albedo can be so devious, Kaeya swears on it, but no one believes him, I mean- it's Kaeya, and how could they believe him when Albedo is literally nothing short of the model student??

- but Kaeya is actually right;

- Albedo also loves telling Kaeya random embarrassing shit he does just because he knows nobody will ever believe Kaeya if he tries to call him out, like that the burn on his hand that everyone questioned him about is not because of a 'lab accident' but because he flipped a pancake too high, it got stuck on the ceiling lamp and he got the burn when it fell back down and he tried to catch it. I know, devious indeed;

- But,,, that's exactly how you meet him, more or less,,,

-on this account--

- Albedo's the pretty TA everyone is both in love with and scared shitless of;

- fluffy long blonde hair swept back in neat braids, occasionally you'll see him sport thin black rimmed glasses (that are too big for him and slide down his nose all the time, it makes him annoyed and he scrunches up his nose adorably);

- his voice is soft and mellow yet unyielding when explaining and reviewing subjects of the course as he tutors you;

- that's probably why so little people actually go up to him asking for help (even if he's undoubtedly the most qualified teacher assistant of his department) Albedo is calm and collected, but unbearably so, many exchange his patient eyes for an expectant glare. He's just really meticulous and precise in his line of work, and expects the same from others;

- so the last thing that you expected when you walked in the professor's office, was to see Albedo jumping up and down on one foot, guitar case slung haphazardly on his shoulder, as he tries to put on his damned brow piercing mumbling about being 'late for practice';

- his mouth is stuffed with a half munched sandwich, though there's a fried egg precariously close to falling out (and it does, lands on the papers on his desk too);

- you can't really understand what he says with his mouth stuffed full, but you do make out a few of stray curses (Albedo rarely if ever curses, but when he does, it's so whiny and disgruntled that he looks like an angwi child) you can't help yourself, you laugh, I mean- who wouldn't??

- he turns around and looks at you with the most horrified and abashed look on his face (his ears especially, flush bright red whenever he's embarrassed, and while he keeps his bangs framing his face exactly to cover them, this time no can do. Rest his case your honor);

- he quickly puts his sandwich back down (the egg on his papers suddenly very low on his priority list) and he hastily swallows the bite he took before, man almost chokes at that too and you quite literally rush to him to make sure that you're not about to kill the professor's favourite;

- he waves you off, and softly apologizes (poor boy still trying to regain his composure) you shake your head and chuckle again (and Albedo for the first time ever, wishes that something irrational like the floor swallowing him whole, could happen);

- you've never seen Albedo well,,, not put together, and honestly the contrast is quite refreshing, Albedo is not as amused as you are though, oh- shit, you said it out loud, didn't you? Mayday, mayday, he's going to kill you;

- but Albedo just stares at you a tad longer and then shakes his head at you (but you swear, the corners of his lips twitch upwards);

- after he asks you for your whereabouts, and promptly apologizes because he forgot your tutoring session, Albedo really has to go because he's already awfully late for practice, so you leave the office with an appointment for next week and the satisfaction to have seen this unexpected side of everyone's favourite TA;

- now, tutoring with Albedo, as stated before, can sound intimidating. It is quite intimidating how well organized he is: all his notes neatly arranged and colour coded, stacks of flashcards and mind maps at the end of each unit summarising the contents. Albedo is a strict teacher, but he's also very patient. And he's damn good at his job too, you wouldn't expect it, granted his complex and polished way of speaking, but you find that he can break down even the hardest concepts with metaphors easy to understand. It's quite endearing, he'd probably be really good teacher to kids too. He laughs at that (oh no, you said it out loud again) he shrugs and tells you that's probably because of him having a little sister, you don’t miss the way his usually unperturbed eyes fill with mirth as he says so;

- Albedo never really enjoyed tutoring, probably because how bad he is with people and for the mutual misunderstandings that more often than not arise (with students thinking he's too high and mighty and him needing someone to match his level of dedication to work efficiently, if there's something Albedo can't stand, it's half hearted effort) but he as soon as he sees how adamant and decisive you are, unexpectedly you'll find his countenance melting in the softest and proudest smile with ease;

- "Good job" he will mutter with a slight nod of his head every time you get correctly a difficult question/problem (if you're lucky, even a pat of your head, doesn't matter if you're taller or shorter, though he will quickly recoil and snatch his hand right back as soon as he realizes what he did);

- Albedo is quite passionate with his field, so seeing someone answering with the same amount of dedication, yeah,,, he can't help but get excited as well. Don't be surprised if he's all jittery and asking you when you need your next tutoring session, he loves studying with you, and will also info dump you on any subjects he sees you more keen on. With time, he will also info dump on the subjects he likes most himself. You don't judge him for that, you listen so attentively and nod your head in encouragement, and that makes Albedo's heart simply soar. You're his little safe place;

- you start meeting up to study also outside of tutoring lessons (cause Albedo just wants to hang out, but poor boy needs an excuse for himself to make it productive or he'll feel bad) his favourite places are the library, where he childishly links a couple of your fingers with his and drags you along the aisles, talking your ear off about this and that of his research and filling your arms of books that might interest you. Book giving is kind of Albedo's love language, you'll find him stopping you in the halls just to hand you a book and bolt away. Usually he always reads them first and writes down little useful annotations for you (if you do the same, he'll physically combust);

- another of his favourite places, is the museum, any museum really, he'll excitedly compare painting techniques and materials, going off tangent on a monologue about how finely you need to ground minerals in each layer of fresco to make sure that the chemical process of carbonation happens correctly, when he's talking like that, he gets so excited that he keeps wiggling and curling his fingers, and if you reach out your hand he will instinctively hold it in his, he won’t let go of it easily either (do you exploit this to your advantage? Maybe);

- when you get closer, another of Albedo's favourite places is his room, mostly because it feels safe to him (and now you do too). It's the first time you'll hear him play too;

- it takes a little bit of coaxing, but you can tell that he wants to play for you;

- his favourite instrument is an old acustic guitar, he'll let you run your fingers over the chipped wooden surface and play you his favourite chords, explaining why they're his favourites (like how C minor feels like harsh graphite lines on paper and long words on the dictionary, while C major is like oranges in summer and colourful bandaids, why E minor is grainy pictures and lava lamps and why he hate G so much it's almost not fair);

- Albedo takes your hand and instructs you how to strum the guitar's strings correctly while he presses down chords with his other hand, smiles an adoring, soft smile that you don't see when he sees your excited expression at the simple chords you play with his help;

- he never invites you at practice (and you never push him to) because you know he feels embarrassed at the thought of you being his audience, you don't tell him that you know though, and if you're feeling devious enough (like he is) you'll tease him a little about his seemingly top secret rendezvous with his band;

- Albedo loves make up, and you discover it when one day you barged unannounced in his dorm room just to be greeted with his reflection sporting sparkly black smokey eyes and black lipstick staring back at you;

- when he raises his eyebrows cheekily at you with an expectant "Well?" you swear a piece of your soul just ascended. Who gave him the permission to look so good in black lipstick (would it look even better all smeared up on his skin? You're quite afraid of the answer);

- "You look... good" you settle at the end, quite lamely, he chuckles at you and hums in contemplation "Eloquent much". You don't know whether you want to kiss or slap him, or both;

- if you ask him to do your make up/to do his make up, he's going to be elated, especially if you let him do your make up. His artist instincts kick in and he suddenly gets really serious. His brows furrow in concentration (he also pouts whenever he focuses very hard and he has a single dimple that comes out whenever he laughs really hard or he pouts. You sometimes poke it with your fingers, and while he always swats you away, it also makes him laugh harder so the dimple shows even more. It’s so worth it.);

- he's very gentle with a brush, so much that it tickles and makes you giggle and squirm away, but he has none of it so his hand comes up to cradle your jawline, gripping your chin and pushing his thumb in your cheek for emphasis. "Stay." his voice is firm, the same kind of kind and severe of when he tutors you, it makes you shiver, but in response he just draws you closer. You're just glad you kept your eyes shut;

- Albedo unexpectedly doodles on the edges of his notes, but he hates the messiness so much that he resorts to doing it on your notes instead (this hypocritical bitch) and while you always swat him off and chide him, he never relents, because he sees the way your eyes widen in abash when the draws little cute flowers and mumbles "for you" like he's gifting you flowers for real;

- he just hopes you don't see how red the tips of his ears are;

- Albedo is the type to be religiously at least 15 minutes early to lectures, and always there before the professor themselves as well;

- at this point you'd think he sleeps in there since class starts at 8, and you wouldn't be wrong, he did get locked up in the chem lab a couple of times and had to ring up Kaeya at like 2 am and demand that he comes bail him out. Kaeya hung up on him, so Albedo called Sucrose and instructed her to call Kaeya, only to discover that she instead got locked up in the library, so he called you, though hesitantly. I mean, he doesn't want you to come pick him up, it makes him feel like he's a child about to be scolded. But when you answer immediatly, not having gone to bed yet, and softly laugh when he explains his umh, situation, all his doubts dissipate. And after him lecturing you about not staying up too late, and your very loud silence in response, because who got locked up in the lab here huh? 

-you finally show up, and with a very annoyed sleepy Kaeya and a sheepish Sucrose on toe. You all end up in the cramped booth of some shitty fast food place, because none of you is sleepy anymore, and though you're likely going to regret this on your 8 am lecture, you can’t bring yourself to care. You wouldn't trade this for the world. And while Albedo munches distractedly on some fries, he thinks that he got to get locked up in the chem lab more often.

Here’s some college albedo visual (though the left is reminiscing of tomo now that I look at it ugghhh)

This was the first part of this series, I’m planning on writing for kazuha, xiao, aether and maybe childe. Please do let me know if there’s someone else you’d like to see in this series as well. I hope you enjoyed this!

Also I should really stop projecting my autistic/adhd behaviour on albedo and xiao. Will I though? Very unlikely.

[rayslittlekitten]

Truth Is

“Crush” Universe Masterlist

A/N: Okay, my first Pedro Pascal fic ever. Sorry it’s not sexy. Honestly, this could probably be read as any of the TF guys, but due to recent sexy dreams about Pedro Pascal, I'm feeling some sort of way about him. Of all his characters I've seen, Frankie Morales is the only one I feel comfortable writing. I guess because I'm in an imaginary poly relationship with the TF boys (minus Tom because fuck Tom) lol. Any how, the story telling is written in a similar style as Maybe and Excess Baggage. The song "Truth Is" by Sabrina Claudio (YT link below for both versions) has been sitting in the back of my mind for a while and it has inspired some ideas but I hadn't figured it out yet, especially since it's the Spanish version (English version is about the same lyrically, but instrumentally it's a bit different) that incites something so I wasn't sure how to approach it. I was actually thinking EZ Reyes from Mayans MC, but this idea came to me this morning. I hope the formatting is clear enough. There's some back and forth with present time and flashbacks and also text messages and phone stuff. It's another one of those hot messes. This was actually a bit more emotionally draining for me than I expected.

Rating: T

Word Count: 1.5K

Pairing: Frankie "Catfish" Morales x GN!reader (I originally wrote this with F!reader in mind but there’s no distinguishable wordings or pronouns)

Plot: You are trying to figure your shit out, basically. (Sorry, I was figuring it out in real time with the reader.)

Contains: angst?, feels, mentions of sex/intimacy, cursing

You look over at the empty space beside you. You can hear the shower running. The man you went home with last night is in there.

You roll over and reach down to the floor over the edge of the bed to grab your cellphone out of your jeans. The screen lights up and it is filled with notifications.

Benny Miller commented on a photo you are tagged in.

Swipe.

Benny Miller tagged you in a photo.

Swipe.

Benny Miller liked your Facebook post.

Swipe.

You have 11 missed calls.

Swipe.

You have 3 voicemails.

Swipe.

Your car warranty...

Swipe.

Frankie M.: “Hey, where are you? I tried calling…”

You stare at your screen for a moment. You see a stack of text messages. You can’t deal with this right now.

Swipe.

You unlock your phone and see you have 24 unread text messages. You stare at the icon and then decide to quickly check them. Of course, most of them are from Benny.

Benny: "Yo where did u go?" Benny: "y r u not picking up ???" Benny: "Are u ok????" Benny: "call me when u get this asshole!"

You roll your eyes and text him back.

You: "I'm fine, dickhead. I picked up some guy at the bar last night.”

You close your messaging app and pull up your Uber app. You're hoping to get out of there before whatever-his-name is gets out of the shower.

On the Uber ride back home, you finally check the rest of your notifications:

7 missed calls from Benny, 1 missed call from an unknown number, 1 missed call from Will, 2 missed calls from Frankie. 

2 voicemails from Benny, 1 from Frankie.

2 text messages from Frankie.

Your thumb hovers over the text message preview and you finally open it.

Frankie M.: "Hey, where are you? I tried calling. Me and the other guys are worried about you. Please call or text." Frankie M.: "I just want to make sure you're safe."

You close your eyes and sigh. You love Benny to death but you wanted to kick his ass for inviting you to hang out last night and misleading you to think Frankie wasn't going to be there.

"He told me he probably wasn't coming." Ben shrugged, shouting over the music. You gave him a knowing look.

When you saw Frankie, you thought you were going to throw up. The last time you saw him was a month ago, both of you naked in his bed. You had spent the night with him like you were doing a few times a week. The both of you were cuddling, limbs tangled and lazily making out. Your fingers were in his dark curls on top of his head and his nose was rubbing against yours. His fingers were lightly running up and down your spine. And then he dropped the bomb that sent you to the bunker: "Te quiero, mi amor."

You hadn't seen or talked to him since, ignoring all his texts and phone calls.

"Fuck off, Benny." You rolled your eyes and pushed through the crowd to get to the bar. You needed a strong drink, stat.

The rest of the night, you did your best to avoid Frankie, but you felt his eyes on you. You had caught him glimpsing at you a few times throughout the night. He thought he was being subtle under his baseball cap. You had also seen some random person flirting with him. You needed a distraction. You started talking to some guy at the bar who seemed pretty easy on the eyes, but you're also a few tequila shots in and nursing your fourth or fifth beer. You weren't counting.

You can't wait to get home to wash all this... filth off of you. You feel disgusted with yourself.

When you finally get to your apartment, the first thing you do is strip off all your clothes on the way to your bathroom. You turn on the shower and while waiting for the water to warm up, you brush your teeth and rinse your mouth with mouthwash. All the traces of alcohol from last night is gone yet there's still a bad taste that lingers. It's guilt and fear. You jump into the shower and scrub every inch of your body and even wash your hair twice, hoping to wash them off of you.

"Whoa, where you in a rush to?" Frankie asked as he watched you scramble for your clothes after you came out of the bathroom.

"I-I gotta go. I-I-I just remembered I got a thing," you replied, struggling to pull your jeans on.

"Was it what I said?" Frankie asked, as he got off the bed and walked towards you.

"I... I just gotta go," you told him. Before Frankie was able to say anything, your phone rang. You reached for it and answered it, bringing it to your ear.

"Hey, Ben. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry I'm running late. I'll be there in 20."

"Running late for what? What the fuck are you talking about? Are you on drugs?" Ben asked on the other line.

"I'll explain later. See you soon." You told Ben before you hung up the phone.

"Are... are we okay?" Frankie asked.

You looked at him for a moment and then down at your feet as you shoved them into your shoes.

"Yeah. Um, I... I'll call you later," you lied.

Frankie looked at you for a moment and then nodded. You knew he saw through your bullshit, but he still walked over to you to give you a good bye kiss. At the precise moment, you turned your head slightly and his lips collided with your cheek.

"Bye." You faked a smile and then got the hell out of there.

You let your tears flow while the hot water hits you. Why do you always do this to yourself? Because you're scared. You get scared when you start feeling your defenses fall. You get scared when you actually want to let someone in. Your fight or flight response always kicks in and that day, when Frankie said those words, it triggered that fight or flight response.

You miss him. You miss the calm and quietness he brings you, but your brain can’t make sense of it. You miss him so much it hurts, but you're scared and fear always outweighs everything else so you run far away from him. And when he gave up on you, it was like a shrapnel to your heart. You hate that you're like this.

After your shower, with the bath towel wrapped around you, you check your phone again and see that your best friend texted you back.

Benny: “oh wow thank u for finally letting me know ur alive and well shithead.”

You close your messaging app and see that you still haven't checked the voicemails. You open them up and put the phone on speaker.

"Y/N, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? WE MOVED TO A DIFFERENT BAR!" Benny shouted over the loud music. You delete the message.

The second voice message from Ben sounded like he butt dialed. Delete.

"Hey, Y/N. I hope you're alright. If you ditched, that's fine but please let us know you're okay at least?" Your heart drops hearing his voice. He hasn't hung up yet. You can hear background noise. "I... please just let one of us know you're okay."

You put your phone down and go to throw some clothes on. As you're digging through your dresser, you pull out a random t-shirt and realize it's one of Frankie's.  It still smells like him. You put it up to your nose and close your eyes, inhaling, imagining he's in front of you. Imagining you're back with him in his bed in the safety of his arms. Imagining his beard lightly scratching your face. Imagining him saying those words again so you can fix your own fuck up.

Your daydreaming gets interrupted when your phone rings. It's probably Ben calling to chew you out. You walk over to it and check. Frankie M. flashes on the screen. You stare at your phone for a moment and you finally pick up.

"Hello?"

"Holy shit. Y/N?" Your heart tightens hearing his voice.

"Yeah, it's me."

"I was expecting for it to ring until it went to your voice mail, but uh, I'm happy to hear your voice."

"Yeah, I can see why you would think that," you admit.

Silence.

"Um, Ben told me you told him you were fine so I just wanted to follow up to make sure you're alright," Frankie says. You don't deserve him. "And I was actually kind of in the neighborhood and--"

"Yes."

Silence again.

"W-what?" Frankie asks.

"I love you, Frankie." You try to quietly sniffle. "I'm so sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry--"

"Y/N, slow down, slow down."

You shut up and swallow the lump in your throat, dreading that you're too late.

"Are you home right now?"

"Yes."

"Is this a good time? I can swing by and uh, we can talk."

"I'd like that very much." You exhale the breath that you've been holding.