#and then I had to wait WEEKS and write like 20000 words to even get to it

[lokbobpop]

Determination

: a quality that makes you continue trying to do or achieve something that is difficult. formal : the act of finding out or calculating something. formal : the act of officially deciding something

and directly from Latin determinare "to enclose, bound, set limits to," from de "off" (see de-) + terminare "to mark the end or boundary," from terminus "end, limit" (see terminus). Meaning "render judgment" is from early 15c.

Determination de term in ation, determin ation de termin ation det erm inat i on

Writing the word determination

I have determination to walk out of my mind it’s like its gets stronger and stronger all the time of cause i fall all the time but i get up easier and easier now before i might fall for weeks months and try again but now im like ok try again you can do this yesterday i fell big time after waiting for chris to come home i didnt go and watch as i didnt want to sit out in the heat but when he got home i was a angry that im always waiting got him he’s either out riding swimming and i spend all day at home waiting for him and i just had enough even though i new i was wrong the hole time it was like rag to a bull i just kept it going i think it would of been worse hadn’t tried at least to calm myself slightly hey but these need to stop he should have to think about me and i should have to get poor me left at home life’s what i make it.

Reading the word determination

I like my determination im proud i have determination to stop and move through stuff of the mind my determination has grown exponentially it feels good to have this point about myself now i can now depend on myself more often and the more i can depend on myself the more confident i am about and the more confident i am the better my life gets so im very determined to complete free myself walk my process and livid the best life ive ever had.

I use to give up all the time i had little is not determination as i only saw myself as not good enough if i failed and didnt want to do it anymore anything id give up all the time very few things i had determination on but i see these few things i didnt have determination on helped me to see that it can be done with determination like chasing men i would see a guy i liked and i would go for it lol but i was determined i wanted this lol anyway seeing what you can get if you put your mind to it pays off so if i pushed myself and was determined enough i could do anything.

Saving money this was another area i used to be very good at i would see something i liked or wanted to do like to travel and i would save like crazy every penny i had to travel my determination was full on i didnt go out to pubs or clubs i just save every penny i had to go on a 2 week holiday.

I have determination to walk all my words i hope to do the first 2000 by a year from now it i can then slow down and work through the next 20000 lol i need to get into living words which id like to walk with someone i just need to ask o the group chat

I admire myself over the last 5 months of the effort and change ive managed within myself what else am i now cable of i ask myself what else could i do where else could I expand myself with determination

Saying determination out loud

Im actually trying to see where i have a polarity within this word but i cant find any falling in this word 6 months ago it might of been different and 6 months time could be different again lol but at the mo im living determined

Whe you dont give up and you give it your all like i am well maybe not may all ive still have ways to travel until i am completely the word but im doing it.

Sf

Does this definition support me yes it does i think this is the first word i can really say it does as i am so determined to change myself to live myself i cant find the polarity within it im it determination at my best only to grow within this word.

Determination detor min ation

Determination

To have the upmost respect for self and self change

I will live this with all my words this word is linked to all my words i have determination in all my words to live them fully until done and some more with self determination self perfection self persistence

[janiklandre-blog]

Saturday, March 18, 2017

9:35 a.m.  cloudy, 34 or 35 - lonely computer room - though I am glad the loud Chinese are not here - I now only see Chinese - they are not lonely - once upon a time a woman by the name of Miriam Friedlander was the council woman for this area - rumors had it she had been a communist once upon a time - it was held against her that she kept an apartment on East 6th street - across the street from where I lived, that she had stopped using and lived on the upper East Side - many communists in their later yeasrs do like luxury and achieve luxury - still - I believe it is thanks to her that I have this here housing, at first = opened 1983 - filled with her buddies - a generation older than I - one of the 100 year old women on my floor did come here then and tells me the house was overrun by rats - well, it's in much better shape now. When I arrived in 2000 there still was Jane, a Friedlander left over? - who did have the power of assigning apartments - but - she was as they say, "on the take". I knew that and greatly regret among the many things they did not teach at Columbia was how to bribe - an art - I never learned. I told her the day I moved in I wanted a quiet apartment to the back - and had I only known how to grease her palm - she was relieved and the power taken from the manager to assign apartments - given to Donald Manning - who answered my earlier requests by "you are not eligible" - my last request he didn't even bother to answer.

I still know that Friedlander was replaced by Pagan whom everyone - or almost everyone - hated - after 20000 and the fire I stopped voting (now I reregistered)) - since then we had many managers here, can't even keep up with their names anymore, like the present one because she is casual - there now is a Chinese assitant - and, we have a Chinese council woman - and since, so I am told there are no old age faxcilities in China town -- they have taken over this house here. I've learned about the difference of Mandarin and Cantonese - Mandarin were the higher classes - Cantonese the lower I believe from Southern China - alas, they are very loud.

It is pitiful how little I know about China and Chinese history - alas cannot learn from my house mates, who talk to me in Chinese that I am much too old to learn. On the roof in the summer they form a large, loud circle and once there was a younger one - their children and grandchildren do visit them and come in fancy cars - I asked one of them: What are they talking about - without a moment's hesitation he said: Food.

I smile at them, they smile back, on warm mornings at 7 a.m. one of them teaches beautiful Tai Chi - it is wonderful exercise and they all will live to 100 or more - they also cook for each other and eat healthy food, in company - alas I did not have quite the patience for Tai Chi, also cannot do the moves - like standing on one leg, holding the other - besides I liked my Mocha routine - so while they exercise I sit in a cafffee and drink coffeee - of course they will outlive me - and as my friends say - God bless them.

Still, Miriam Friedlander had meant this house for people getting old in this here neighborhood - now harrassed to death by Trump's son in law among others - I already observed in the late 60's when I had the $92 floor through on the corner of 90th Street and 3rd Avenue (Christine Fiedler had scored two apartments - the landlord was emptying the house but correctly assumed we were young enough not to stay long) - then houses there were being emptied wholesale - many of the old were Irish, they had built the city - and many actually died when uprooted at an old age. This is New York.

I am not the only chronicler - and while other than eating in Chinese restaurants, using Chinese laundries - but wait: when I began substitute teaching at Stuyvesant high school, a public elite school that Robert Goldscheider attended once upon a time - graduating in 1945 - and witnessing countless tenements taken down to cxreat Stuuyvesant town and the development next to it - also massive evictions - anyway, thanks to a woman I tutored in German, Patricia, I had at long last gotten a TPD - temporary per diem licence, from the Board of education - she alerted me to the fact that things change - I had tried earlier to no avail - anyway, this licence enabled me to substitute teach  - also at that time a person at the schjool could call the substitute - I lived 10 blocks from the scjhool, got paid $100 a day for a few hours - alwaysa assigned to advanced placement science classes, the law required a licenced body in the classroom - and there already I met up with Chiinese - bright, eager kids, they studied and studied, totally ignored me - this sad old body in a corner. None of them ever tal;ked to me.

Then if course there were those times when the radicals idealized Mao Tse Tung - from the few Chinese who ever talked to me - usually in very poor English - I've heard only stories of sorrow about Mao Tse Tung. Also since I do little but read - I haver read some about China

And about my Chinese here I do find out tidbits when a younger one comes around - in good English - their parents owned a house, sold it, gave all their money in safe keeping to the bright young people, their social security is mostly minimal - just  as mine srtarted at $400 in 1994 - only based on my board of Education earnings - all my other jobs had been for non-profits not paying into social security, I never paid any attention - and so these Chines come here with "only income" - a low social security check -pay next to no rent and take advantasge of every last benefit there is - also I have watched them at any distribution of anything free - they take everything and then try to sell it. They are smart. Our social worker here has a Chinese and Puerto Rican parent - is fluid in three languages - the Chonese love herr - and she organizes "yard sales" - utterly amazing at what these "poor" people have to sell - all I can do is marvel at it all - yet, alas I do feel a bit lonely surrounded by people who are friendly, but talk to me in a language in which I do not understand one single word.

I've avoided traveling to countries where I did not understand the language - in Spain I understood little, but still, picking up a newspaper I could make out some - in Scandinavia I also understood very little - but a word here and there - and mostly I've stuck to .Germany, Austria, Czech Republic - on my trips to Europe - every five years in the 90's, 2000's - when I'd get a cheap flight, could get cheap coupons for the railroad that allowed me unlimited travel in a 24 hour period - and I only stayed with friends, Aachen, Bonn, Heidelberg, Zurich, Munich, Vienna, Ostrava, Prague, Nuernberg, sometimes Essen, sometimes Lausanne - it was a wonderful round trip, a bit exhausting, in most places I stayed only a few nights and after a while was not quite sure where I was waking up - and also - hard to remember all the names of children and grandchildren of my friends - I would make long notes in my address book - my last trip to Europe only a week with my grandson in 2012 to Berlin and Prague - and now I've grown too old and most of my friends have grown too old - and often I do think - I have an American passport valid until 2023, two credit cards, with I think an 18.000 dollar credit line - never used - never owed credit cards one cent - a driver's licence to be renewed in June - in theory I could hop into a taxi, say Kennedy airport and get on the next flight of my choice - and I do see young people doing just that - but I am too old.

I am sitting alone with the 14 computers - lamenting - dreaming still of that house and my community in that house - that will not include Chinese - not because I don't like Chinese - they now also have their boxes on the roof where they grow vegetables ansd insist on giving me some, and I doi like their smile - but while we do like in cities with diversity - while I have enjoyed friendships with people of very different backgrounds, and still do - there is this affinity - that Goethe talks of in his novel by the translated title: Elective affinities - Wahlverwandtschaften in German - relatives by choice - and where he postulates that humans are like chemical molecules that attract each other - and we speak of affinity groups - the Chinese stick together, they are an affinity group.

Goethe's novel speaks of how we like to live with people to whom we have affinity, sociologists study it (often I wish I had stasyed with sociology - I had a lot more affinity to it than the obscure German literature) - sociologists, and Goethe did too (German literature) - study relationships - as do psychologists - I've read a lot of psychology - and yes, a friend just called - it's so long that I have not cooked a dinner - because shared food tastes also create affinity.

Also, the computer is strongly suggesting I would do so much better writing this in word - if only I could overcome my inner resistance to learning things that so many call so simple - I am so grateful to Molly for posting this here - and when I wrote my 1000 page unedited memoir Ken had set up a computer for me where I wrote in word - I do feel like an old nincompoop  - well it's past 11 - I know I've written a hodge podge and probably make little sense - something just poopped up that said end process - so to yesterday - interesting session with Molly - reading, not enough moving - the Chinese never sit, always exeercise - few calls, some texting, eating too much sweet stuff to console myself - this morning back to the bean, talking to Dinah - and now - send - why this inner resistance to reading what I wrote and make corrections - thank you, thank you, thank you to the probably few of you - any? - who read this far   adios  Marianne