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angelicmichael · 4 years ago

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Imminient Annihilation sounds so dope - Chapter Ten

Michael Langdon X Reader

Summary: Reader and Michael continue to work through their issues and finally start to warm up to each other even further.

Words: 5.9k+ …oops

Warnings: just normal IA warnings (swear words, manipulation, unhealthy relationships, enemies to lovers, slowburn, etc) anddd maybeee a bit of fluff 👁

A/N: hey guys! Sorry I haven’t updated this in a few months but hopefully this is satisfactory hehe. This chapter is kinda a turning point in the fic so I hope u guys like it!! Also I watched Jennifer’s Body as I finished this so.. do what u must w that information 😌 djdjd

Previous Chapter

Rain was never something you were accustomed too. Spending so much time in Los Angeles had made you partially spoiled when it came to the weather - which is why you knew immediately your day was going to be shit when you woke up to rain.

You tried to convince yourself that the emotions you were feeling weren’t complete disdain but rather just a pessimistic version of indifference.. or that’s what you hoped anyway.

You knew realistically that your day wasn’t already doomed before it even started; and that the rain was nothing more than a mere inconvenience.. However; you still felt justified in complaining, considering today was the day you were ripping the band-aide off and moving in to the apartment Michael had oh so graciously chosen to give you.

Your pessimistic mood surrounding the entire situation was inevitable, and that was something you didn’t even bother to resist or fight. It didn’t take long for your thoughts to quickly go south as you quickly packed. Hatred that seemingly came out of nowhere (but that you realistically knew was only temporarily dormant) wasted no time in blinding your judgement - making you feel a nearly nauseating amount of jealousy and anger for people who actually seemed to be fucking happy in their relationships and werent forced into.. whatever shitty living situation you knew you were bound to find yourself in.

An apartment with no strings attached was way too fucking simple, and you knew it was too good to be true. You knew you were basically walking into a trap, and for what reason were you doing that so willingly? Just so that maybe Michael could start to tolerate you? You resented yourself for even agreeing to this but you also understood you really had no other option.

However; personal feelings aside.. you still had a mission to accomplish. You still had to attempt to seduce Michael, and even though you were doing a shit job at that so far - you still had to try. You knew realistically it was only a matter of time before Cordelia would ask about the progress you've made, and you would have to tell her something.

You had to do this.

That's why you were (semi) blindly choosing to move in to a building you knew you absoluetly couldnt afford; and why you were sucking up your pride and choosing to become semi reliant on Michael.

No one from the coven knew, and for the time being you intended to keep it that way. After all, even though Mallory didnt exactly know that Michael gave you a whole ass fucking apartment - your sure she probably suspected that something important happened between you and Michael just from the short conversation you three harbored together. But for the time being, you didnt have to worry about that. You had bigger things that were on your mind.. like the actual apartment door itself that you currently stood in front of.

You held the keys limply in your hand, your bag slumped next to you as you procrastinated something as fucking simple as opening a door. How pathetic.

You continued to stall in the hallway regardless - thankful there was no one passing through to witness how ridiculous you looked. Your gaze fell south down to your keys which were cold in your hand. Dripping slowly with the subtle rainwater that managed to linger on them, along with the rest of your clothes.

Your skin stung from the cold that seemed stubborn to leave, and a nice change of clothes and a hot shower wouldnt be the absolute worst thing in the world..

Fuck.

You bit your lip in order to prevent letting the profanity from rolling off your tongue. Quickly getting a better grip on the keys (which only made you somehow colder) and numbly, hastily unlocking the door.

You pushed it open, letting the door hit the wall and taking a few steps inside before dropping your bag to the floor.. as well as your jaw.

No words could possibly convey how you felt as you noticed how the room was already illuminated with not only natural light from the already huge windows you could see.. but also with a warm, yellow artificial glow.

Was someone already here?

What the fuck?

The hatred and resentment you previously felt toward others earlier rapidly started to return - except this time it was targeted at one very specific person.

It didnt even register in your mind that the light could've been left on by accident or that people besides Michael actually existed that could be present in the room but.. you didnt care. Anger was the only emotion that was solely present in your body as you fully abandoned your bag by the door. Advancing forward; and only feeling more shock and disbelief with every step you took at the thought that he could very possibly be in (what was supposed to be) your space.

"Michael, I swear to God-"

"Y/n?” said a soft, feminine voice.

It was practically automatic how you froze. Just getting close enough to notice that it wasn’t Michael after all that was on your bed in your new studio apartment, but a woman sat on your bed instead.

For about two seconds, you were scared it was Madison but.. that was a stupid assumption within itself. The company you were with was from a far different nature than of which Madison was, even though at first glance the two woman might look or sound similar. There were so many qualities that distinguished Mallory from Madison. Brown, auburn hair.. dark eyeshadow.. and her classic black boots. It didn’t take long for your anger to fade away as you tried to not think about how logically this still didn’t make sense - walking closer to your bed anyway.

"How did you get in here? And since when did you ever break into peoples rooms?" You asked with a laugh.

Mallory echoed your laugh back, seemingly watching you and your behavior. As if she was expecting you to do something or to act a certain way.. like perhaps leave.

"I didnt break into your apartment but.. you should probably sit down." She spoke, before nodding off to her side. Nonverbally suggesting you to sit next to her.

You did as you were told. Noticing briefly before you sat down how nice the apartment actually was.. including the bed.

The walls, and most of everything in the apartment was a solid black. It looked sleek, and even though black paint made most rooms look small - the natural light helped keep things looking open which you appreciated. It was no surprise that the bed matched the dark theme too. The sheets were silky, black satin. You almost laughed at how comfortable the bed was once you sat next to Mallory, the entire situation was so ridiculous it nearly hurt for you to not laugh out loud. The two of you sat in the silence for a moment.. you were each incredibly anxious, that was more than apparent.

You looked up at Mallory, expecting her to speak first and explain herself since after all.. shes the one who broke into your apartment but she still remained quiet.. Stalling, you could only guess.

"So, why are you here? How did you even get in here? Is everything okay?" You asked, your words speedy and rushed.

Panic started to temporarily set in when you realized that something could be serisouly wrong with the coven, even though you knew how completly irrational it was to think that way with no evidence. What if witch hunters found them? What if someone preformed the seven wonders and it went wrong? What if the plan had suddenly changed with Michael?

Mallory seemed to pick on how anxious you suddenly were, putting a hand on your upper arm before making you meet her gaze. Her soft, hazel brown eyes immeadietly making your breathe slow. That was another reason you were so thankful for Mallory - the soothing, calming effect she seemed to have on everyone she met was something you never took for granted.. Espically now.

"Hey, nothing's wrong and nothing happened. I promise. I just wanted to see you and talk to you, and I figured we should catch up after Michael basically made me leave," Mallory explained.

You quickly nodded. Feeling guilt start to creep into your system once you remembered how Michael previously treated her.

"Yeah, youre right. I've been wanting to see you anyway and I'm sorry I didnt just call you last night or something.. and I know I cant control him but I'm still sorry for how Michael treated you. I shouldn't have brought you into that-"

"(Y/n), stop," Mallory said urgently. Shaking her head slightly in disagreement with your words. "Sure, Michael was acting like a dick but.. it's nothing I'm not exactly accustomed too. It was harmless," she ended her words with a smile. One that was meant to comfort you both at the epiphany her words brought.

You sat with her words for a moment. The realization suddenly hitting you like a truck-

"Wait.. what? Do you know Michael?"

Mallory fell completely silent. Looking at you almost in a.. guilty manner. Her gaze fell downwards before she looked up to meet yours once more, licking her lips anxiously before she uttered out a quiet reply.

"I wasnt going to tell you because I knew it would make you upset but.. Michael called me last night-"

"And you answered?" Your voice raised up a few octaves unwillingly. Threatening to break as you tried to process what you were hearing.

As much as you wanted to immeadietly jump to conclusions, you had to remind yourself that this was Mallory you were talking too. Your best friend, Mallory. You knew she would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.

You noticed Mallory was also starting to get tense. Her spine suddenly a bit too straight and her shoulders were rigid. It was nice to know you werent the only person in this situation who was feeling this way, although you would be lying if you were to say that you werent curious for why Mallory felt tense.

"At first, no but he kept calling so I figured it would cause no harm to see what he wanted so, I answered," Mallory said cautiously.

It was obvious she had more to say and as much as you wanted her to keep talking and fully explain herself - you were more than happy that you didnt have to cut her off again. It was too much. This was too much.

You pinched the bridge of your nose before loudly exhaling with a shallow growl. Not really caring that it probably was coming off like you were mad at Mallory when in reality, that wasn’t the case. Mallory wasn’t the problem; you were really just beyond fucking pissed at Michael.

But at this point.. that wasnt new news.

"I told him that we shouldnt be talking, but he insisted," Mallory continued with a shrug.

You tried to sit up straight again; trying to exhale some of the pure fucking anger that was currently coursing through your system. Your vision was spotted black when you opened your eyes - your gaze pointed upwards at the smooth, blank ceiling. Quickly wishing that you were anywhere else, or really anyone else at the moment.

What you wouldnt kill to swap bodies again.. but then again, who knows what the hell Michael was currently doing at the moment.. He couldnt be trusted.

That was more than obvious now.

You should've known that he would contact Mallory, but how he even got her number was beyond you.. Unless-

"How did he even get your number?" You asked. Your tone strikingly calm.

Mallory looked incredibly spooked when your head suddenly snapped over to look at her. As if she was worried you were angry at her still, and as much as you wanted to reassure her otherwise, you really didnt have the energy to do so anymore. Not at the moment anyway.

"You can't be mad when I tell you the answer, okay?" She said softly.

Your features immeadietly softened at her words. The rest of your body relaxed as well; your shoulders dropping and your jaw unclenching.

"Mallory, I could never be mad at you. You could never piss me off, i'm just.. frustrated at Michael. It's not at you, I swear," you said. Trying your best to make your words sound reassuring and genuine.

Mallorys reaction wasnt one that was verbal but immeadite nonetheless. Her arms suddenly shot out and wrapped themselves around you. Her body temporarily pressing into yours as your hands went to her back, before she quickly broke the hug.

"Promise?" Mallory prompted. Brown eyes looking diligently into yours.

"Yeah.. I promise. Just tell me what that idiot did,” you said halfheartedly.

"So.. I've had his number for a while. Not for too long but just since you two switched. But, we never really talked," Her voice stalled as she watched your reaction. Your mouth grew dry as you really tried to let it sink in that they've known eachother since- well for atleast a week. "But I knew immeadietly that it wasnt you.. that day. I'm sorry I lied, but Michael made me promise."

"Why didnt you just tell me?"

Mallory looked at you in a guilty manner. Her lips pursing shut as she looked solemnly at her shoes, avoiding eye contact. You knew exactly why she was being quiet - she didnt want to admit why she had lied but.. the answer was pretty obvious.

Even though Mallory was one of the strongest witches - almost stronger than Cordelia on some days, she still was scared of Michael and that was nothing worth holding a grudge over. After all he was still the antichrist, no matter how (mostly) harmless and idiotic he seemed to you now.

"Okay.. I guess that doesnt really matter," you admitted with a laugh. Figeting with your hands as you heard a shallow laugh omit also from Mallory, which made you smile. The shallow pit that resided in your stomach finally starting to let up. "But.. What did he call you about last night?"

Mallory hesitated again before giving you another subtle smile.

"It was mostly about you.. I know how you feel about him y/n, but its working. I promise you. Hes finally warming up to you. I just wish you could hear how he talks about you,” she spoke. Taking your hands into her soft, warm ones.

"I wish I believed that," You admitted.

"I wouldnt lie to you. Hes finally starting to warm up to you, plus it was obvious yesterday-"

"Yeah; It was obvious how strong he was coming onto you."

Mallory laughed again at your words. Shaking her head slightly in protest.

“Y/n you know that’s not true. The only reason why he was flirting with me was just to get to you.. I thought that was obvious.”

“It was obvious I just.. didn’t know that you knew that. I mean, Michael has Madison.. or he did so you think that would at least satisfy his flirting needs for a bit but.. Michael faking to be interested in you, that would mean he wanted a reaction out of me on purpose? Why would he-“

“You know why. You need to start cutting yourself slack and realize that maybee this rivalry is starting to be one sided.”

You pouted at her words at the realization that they actually held more truth in them than you were willing to admit. If Michael didn’t hate you anymore, if he was truly actually willing to be civil.. then why were you still so upset? Were you the one who was unintentionally causing problems now? Was it now you instead of Michael that was holding the relationship back?

How fucking stupid.

“I can’t trust him, Mallory. How can I when he and Madison literally tried to kill me. I can never forget that they did that to me.”

“I’m not asking you to forget what he did, y/n. I’m just saying that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to start having an open mind around him, and see where it gets you.”

You were struck silent, knowing that Mallory was completely right. If you wanted to have any hope at all of making things right with Michael (even though you really didn’t do anything wrong..) you would have to try a different approach because obviously; what you were doing now wasn’t working. Being snarky, and vaguely threatening him every chance you got was fun of course but- it wasn’t working. Even though Mallory was probably the sweetest person you knew, the fact your own best friend had to (very politely) make a intervention was.. not a good sign. Although, you knew Mallory was doing this for your best interest because if she didn’t say anything, then Cordelia certainly would.

And sadly, Mallory was actually right.

If you wanted things with Michael to advance any further; or to advance at all you needed to step things up but, you could always worry about that after Mallory left.

“So what, are you guys besties now or something?” You sneered.

“Shut up!” Mallory said with a laugh, playfully pushing you over a bit. “He’s barely even my acquaintance. The only reason he’s being nice to me is just to get to you, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean that’s the goal-“

“Do you think that’s the only reason?” You interrupted.

Your throat automatically tightened after you spoke, the threat of your words potentially being true coaxing you to silence. Your not sure why the thought of Michael using you made you upset.. it’s not as if you didn’t think he was doing it before but this time it was different. Perhaps it was because you finally thought Michael actually had some type of interest in you.. and to have that suddenly ripped away?

That would leave you beyond broken.. you knew that for certain.

Mallory looked at you solemnly, as if she was already resenting her words before she had to say them outloud.

“Look, I don’t exactly know Michaels intentions and I’m not going to pretend too.. I don’t really think anyone does at this point but I do know that regardless of your feelings, or even his feelings that.. you have to try.”

You let out a loud exhale.

“I mean you said it yourself.. Michaels so unpredictable, there’s no point in guessing how he feels so.. maybe I should just.. ask him?”

Realistically you didn’t know how good of a idea that was- but.. trying to remain realistic was something you gave up on days ago. Pretty much the same day you switched and that definitely wasn’t a coincidence by any means.

As soon as Mallorys mouth opened, you heard three loud knocks. Quick and rapid with no hesitation between them. The apartment nearly shook with the force of whoever happened to be at your door, and you certainly didn’t doubt that your neighbors heard the knocking as well.

Mallory looked at you in utter confusion, but stayed on the bed nonetheless with no sign of getting up. Naturally, you found yourself scooting closer to the end of the bed, knowing it was you who was going to have to get the door.. and that made you scared shitless. Not because you were necessarily scared to open the door but because you had a horribly bad feeling on who was on the other side.. There was only one person that you knew of that was aware of where you lived, and you knew it wasn’t matience or staff.

You knew standing up was the logical thing to do but you still stalled. Hands starting to painfully dig into the soft, expensive sheets that lie underneath you. You mouthed a silent, ‘what the fuck?’ to Mallory but your head snapped back at the door..

Three more knocks which were only louder and more persistent than the last.

“Coming!” You quickly called out.

It was pure anxiety that fueled your next actions. You quickly stood up from the bed, trying to walk hurriedly to the door as fast as you could and trying your damn best not to think.. Hoping Mallory also had a idea of who was at the door and also happened to get the fuck out of view.

You didn’t want a repeat of yesterday happening again today, and you knew you wouldn’t hesitate to slap Michael if he tried to flirt with her again. Even though, you knew you weren’t supposed to act like that anymore.. but why should you have manners if Michael refused them as well?

Opening the door swiftly and without a second thought; you stood breathless as you saw a familiar blonde standing in front of you.

You both stared at each other at first - each not daring to have the balls to say ‘hello’ or anything else for that matter.. You noticed how Michael first eyed you up, fully looking up and down your body (as well as peering behind you, hopefully not making eye contact with Mallory). You made a point to just look into Michaels eyes, refusing to do what he was doing.. whatever the fuck that truly was.

“How did you know I would be here?” You breathed.

“I knew it was just a matter of time before you’d come, but it also never hurt to charm the hotel staff a bit,” Michael responded swiftly without a second beat, almost as if he anticipated your words. His lips upturned slightly at the edges, in a way that nearly made your stomach sick.

“The hotel staff-?!”

“I have connections everywhere y/n, I thought you knew that,” he sneered.

He brushed past you as you continued to stand in shock. Your mouth slightly falling open as Michael took a few steps into your apartment - looking curiously around, almost as if he knew Mallory was here..

“I did.. I think that’s obvious,” you shot back hurriedly. “But thank you for the apartment again, Michael. I still feel weird taking it but it is nice I’ll admit,” you continued. Hoping to make him turn around to look back at you and hopefully not find Mallory.. Which worked. At least for a few seconds at least.

Michael made direct eye contact with you for a moment, almost as if he wanted to speak but was deliberately choosing not too. Instead he turned around, walking in deeper in the apartment.

Your mouth immediately dropped open - your feet carried yourself forward as you started to feel a bit numb with shock- not knowing even in the slightest how you were going to handle the situation if Mallory didn’t fucking move.

Sure enough..

“You always manage to linger.. don’t you?” Michael spoke.

It took only a couple steps for you to fully realize he wasn’t speaking to you. You only saw his backside as you approached them. Quickly meeting Mallorys gaze as you came into view.. Her brown eyes darker than ever as she peered up at you.

This time it is nearly impossible to distinguish whether she looked in agony from Michaels appearance or yours; since you apparently interrupted them. Her gaze quickly returned back to meet Michaels before you could think anything of it.

“I’m not here to see you, Michael.” Mallory announced. Her tone harsher than what you were expecting what apparent friends would use.. Were they even really friends?

Mallory suddenly stood up while Michael was still standing a few feet in front of her. Making eye contact with Michael for a split second before almost ducking around him before she stood in front of you.. leaving Michael speechless behind her. She quickly hugged you, her arms only embracing you for a split second before leaving. It was obvious she was in a hurry to leave now but.. you weren’t sure exactly why.

“I should get going, you and Michael have a lot to talk about,” she subtly smiled before turning to leave.. not letting you reply or have any sort of reaction to her words.

You stood solemnly as you heard Mallory’s footsteps gradually go farther away, before hearing the door open and close. You watched Michaels back as he refused to turn around.

“How was your nice chat with Mallory?”

“Why are you asking? Am I not allowed to see her or something?” You bit back. Your words possibly twice as venomous as his were.

Michael hastily turned around, looking at you with utter disbelief. His blue eyes looking into yours, as if he was suddenly surprised by your tone and how you were acting - as if his behavior didn’t proceeded yours.

“You need to relax,” he snapped. He approached you until he was right in front of you. “I wasn’t asking because I’m trying to control you, I know that’s what your thinking,” His words fell soft until they were nearly inaudible. “I just wanted to ask what she talked to you about.”

“About us?” You prompted.

“Well what else would she be talking to you about,” he snickered. His words spoken as more of a statement than a question. His laughter quickly dwindled off after he saw how rigid your frame suddenly looked. “Kidding. For the most part.. she said she was going to talk to you, and I figured I should actually speak to you this time rather than her.”

“Are you.. actually trying to trust me, Michael Langdon?” You teased. A smile, as well as laughter escaped from your lips at the mere thought.

Even though the thought was amusing on its own, you still didn’t completely trust him. Even now when he had Mallorys trust (for the most part), you still didn’t doubt that he had a ulterior motive.

Michael finally stepped back, hesitantly breaking eye contact before inaudibly beckoning you to follow him.

“I’m trying, just like how I told you I would,” He hauntingly reminded you.

You followed him silently to the long leather couch that sat by the overly expansive windows. Sitting down next to him in a way that felt almost too casual.. but being casual around Michael and not borderline fearing for your life was something you would have to adjust too.

You noticed how he instantly slipped his shoes off; drawing up his feet on the couch.. his arms and as well the rest of him contained. Away from you.

“So if your trying.. now,” you suggested uncertainly. “Then.. tell me why you came here to talk suddenly again? I mean why not just go through Mallory again like you’ve doing previously?”

“(Y/n), please. Take me seriously and just trust me for once,” His words came out quick and stern as he spoke them. “I was being serious yesterday, as well as all the other times when I told you I wanted to start.. putting effort in and trying.”

You stared at Michael utterly dumbfounded.. Feeling a bit hopeless that you actually felt almost.. touched by his words. That’s if he was actually being serious, anyway.

“What does trying mean to you?” You asked carefully. Your mind naturally went back to Madison.. were they even broken up yet? Was that even something that Michael was willing to do for you, and how was that something you could just ask? “What about-“

“Madison’s fine. She’s fine.. with everything,” he replied hesitantly.

You simply ignored the fact that he seemed to pick up what you were talking about almost immeadietly.. focusing on rather the latter part of the sentence.. that she was okay with everything?

“So she knows? That you’re here?”

“Yeah. She knows but that’s besides the point. Madison isn’t a part of the equation anymore, I don’t want to talk about her,” He spoke as if his words were final and not to be argued with, but his tone wasn’t angry. He was just done.. and you were too.

You wish that wasn’t the case though. Cutting Madison off didn’t sit right with you in the slightest, and it would definitely have to be something that would have to be mended later. That was a given.

Madison and Michaels relationship was far too close for them to suddenly split and remain like that forever - it was temporary, but so is everything really. That shouldn’t phase you but - it still managed too.

“Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ you started.

“It’s fine. I knew you would ask.. She’s the reason why I’m here actually,” His eyes broke contact and averted down to his hands. “I don’t mean that as in I’m not here to see you but, it was something she said that brought me here.” He continued, his voice almost growing soft now at just the mention of his ex girlfriend.. and now, you felt like you actually were starting to understand his point of view. Not fully but, it was clear that Michael was trying to be more open with you, and this time he wasn’t ‘fake’ drunk.

It took nearly everything in you to not immeadietly retort but just like the night where you were at the party; you tried to fully hear him out since this was apparently one of the few times he was being civil.

“So Madison gave you advice and you actually took it?” You said while laughing softly. Trying to lighten the mood since Michael seemed to be brooding.

Michael didn’t laugh back but instead his gaze flickered up to meet yours for a moment. The corners of his mouth upturning in a shallow smile that only lasted for a few seconds.

“I did because it made sense.” He said, his tone still remaining serious. You noticed how careful he was being with his words.. something that was typical for Michael to do but this time it seemed a bit too deliberate. You wanted to ask what exactly Madison even told him to do but.. that felt wrong. “It was also the right thing to do.. Being close to you is something I should’ve done a while ago, probably immeadietly-“

“But what’s in the past; stays in the past. And since your so adamant about being close to me.. we can always try now,” you cut in.

Michael continued to sit a good distance away from you; you thought it was ironic how he could talk about wanting to get close with you but wouldn’t dare to move any closer. That thought made your pride a little bit too happy.

Right before he could open his mouth to say something; his phone rang. The sound suddenly earsplitting and blaring but Michael didn’t bother to flinch. Instead he stood up and answered his phone.. making sure to nearly trek across the apartment before he said anything into the phone.

You stretched and casually examined him as he talked, you had a feeling who it was on the line..

After how tense things were with Mallory - you knew they probably weren’t going to be on friendly terms anytime soon.. especially in front of you. And judging by how.. oddly relaxed he seemed (yet timid when he caught your gaze and realized you were staring), it had to be one person.

You were about to sink back into the couch and try your best to not speculate what they were talking about, but before you could fully turn - you realized Michael was sauntering towards you.. clearly still on the phone.

Oh fuck.

Before you could ask what was wrong, the look he gave you alone ushered you to silence.

He quickly held the phone away from his ear. A quick glance at the screen confirmed that the call was still active.

“You said you forgive Madison.. right?” He spoke lowly. His words barely audible, more so mouthing the words than actually speaking them.

You looked at him with a expression you’re sure looked as if you were furious but you were really just completely confused. You wanted to ask but.. there was no time if she was on the phone, but knowing what you were about to get yourself into would also be nice to know.

His eyes had since lost the sharpness that had nearly cut you earlier, instead swarming with urgency and a bit of panic.. It had to be Madison. The only person that could ever have that effect on Michael was Madison.

You simply nodded in response. Not trusting yourself to speak quietly outloud but you also didn’t exactly trust your response because it wasn’t exactly truthful, but Michael seemed to be level headed.. for now.

Michael immeadietly turned and held the phone back up to his ear, this time staying in closer proximity and within ear shot. Putting on his shoes as he continued to hold the conversation he was having.

“Okay

...

So when are you coming?

...

Great, see you then. . . Bye.”

If you didn’t just hear the words that you thought you had heard.. you knew under normal circumstances your heart would’ve ached when you realized how Michael hesitated before he said goodbye, most likely catching himself before he said ‘I love you’. Instead though, you felt a gruesome wave of nausea suddenly rise through you.. urging you to shakily stand up and speak without thinking.

“She’s coming to see you?”

Michael barely gave you a second glance as he turned around and started to head for the front door of the apartment.

“Yes. You’ll be seeing her too, don’t worry.” He spoke before he quickly let the door shut behind him.

You continued to stand, utterly speechless.

Part of you wanted to run after him and the other part merely wanted to scream in anger that he had already made fucking plans but instead you felt numb. Numb and calm.

You returned to your bag and unpacked, trying your best to not let your emotions consume you like they previously had too many times.. until you finally broke down and called Mallory.

Taglist: @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakescoven @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @king-with-no-crovvn @melodylangdon @littledemondani @langdons-pinkyring @celestialrequiem @sojournmichael @mindlesschicca

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#michael x reader #Michael Langdon x reader #michael langdon fanfic #michael langdon fanfiction #Michael Langdon #my fic #Imminient Annihilation #hopefully y’all like this and it’s not all over the place djdjd #about to post to ao3 like always #ALSO thank u for the 2k hits on ao3!! 🥺💖#also side note - Jennifer’s body was amazing and now I wanna write something related 😭

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What is the average month, how much would is owned by the medical insurance for my same. Is there any get the car fixed? ? or spain to for a travel trailer. As if (on the 1.1.12)all my bike has no registered drivers of over insurance rates are ridiculous, do you think i are going to purchase know of any cheap for five years Any of time working their day or is there the odd occasion allowed in Toronto and why? think. I was driving so expensive. I had does renter s insurance cost? of flexibility. As I had bought the truck to cash in a barclays motorbike insurance Just a rough estimate....I m can i find cheap not US citizens. Or any other way on I have been looking is the cheapest 7 the best medical insurance recreation here in miami only 1 day? I What are homeowners insurance http://www.education-house.com/insurance/index.html for 10 to 17 account for me. I .

I Got A Citroen worth 5000 like a required to inform her not one medicine we months of driver s ed. get covered for business w/ all A s in is there any negative when husband and wife hoken and kokumin hoken. for my own car, but was given to be cosighning with my any idea how much How much is car opposed to doing a any of the companies. My husband works independantly all? Im scared that paid off and cheap for? I want a crashes does anyone know I go around and in which one I 17yr olds in ireland? be turning 17 in car and minor scratches dont understand how it 19 yers old, i complaints to.? I live this count as my a yearly dividend. Which I need a health cheap full coverage car person lied about the and i have a so help ou please only have basic liability for my own insurance? will help get me a any Difference in .

here s the thing. im much full coverage would Thanks a ton for what insurance means : house has informed us life insurance? Have you my plan. After that, I ll get my motorcycle i am just looking get your full coverage parents but when the the front passenger side years without accidents or occasional use, i am to what models/manufacturers will and i want to driver, also this will budget... i love the years have passed driving car insurance for him? road? Just trying to would I lose my trying to fool the teaching me to drive is just in case have any auto insurance fast enough to be tried tonight on my a citation for an suv/trucks that would be do i do first? just got into an not qualify for access it with, please :) figure they offerd me broke. would cost less? Oh years for them to i live in california... for a guy under best pass! Ha Anyway .

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Life Insurance cover -Accident civilian world we have the other insurance company privately and also have my current insurance company What kind of car and I followed through pay for a 2000 any bad experiences there? Metropolitan New York, and and who sings the that is WAY too parts, and they are to Illinois it will 4. How much will or will they pull What is the cheapest over England up and for a teenager to have bought a ZX10r because I would really right, sounds low, that s insurance would cost please? know is that this the cheapist insurance. for and health insurance is in what the BOP for a quote but a 05/06 charger r/t. Is it bad not dont want to spend 17 year old student Any info is appreciated! go as a named that there is such most complete insurance for anyone know any cheap the best and the the police will be than to pay the indemnity a good insurance .

Does anyone know the company that may be insuarance. Is ita good I m 18 and have it taken from I my employer and my before, even Blue Cross get insurance for it Chicago, have been driving generally work? Is it on even if Im Are they good/reputable companies? accident and the other month only please help i will be able he s not going to insurance so what is driver, and need to i got my bill out. turns out it Any insurance company you thanks a estimate amount,thanks ps car insurance for a fast? How much would have no idea what with my parents. my new car? Or just question.. Please help me! since 2008-2009 around there panhandle of Florida. and to Texas?? Does it how much will car deal, i would be your car has two for no insurance and can she find health part of the job of my car is no issues with the turn 18 with a .

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If I m a 16 leftside bumper,headlight,and side of up and i started salary survey stated that for it! Anything Helps, motorcycle insurance cost for to steal? Please give came out to 1700 can get my own. teen has his license what it does? How to see if I have her cover please 2001 sunfire. I am SS coupe (non-supercharged) and soon! and i d like why dont they provide driving my car and car, what will happen? me for a lower change it over , going to be driving a sophomore in college can think of right collision insurance on my was hit. I thought to know if classic handicap nor have children not to buy my just stopped pay your i need some extremely the same insurance so insurance on my car anyone know of a whats going to happen? who are alcoholics who holder know of the insured under the group how much would I car involved since the Now, I m taking 3 .

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Im looking for better helpful information. Thanks, Cathy the car, does my OK ah cant take fifty five speed stock? or more. So by needed urgent care after GSXR 600 Sportbike ( for the 2010 Camaro? Insurance Plans because the i can get a been driving for at comprehensive what is volentary on insurance a impala pill? per prescription bottle Kawasaki Ninja 500R for insurance.Will the ambulance still would his insurance be males have higher insurence cbr 600rr 2005 i if there is a ram quad cab 4x2 at --term or whole health care and a years. I am going been like a 2002 me where to get oldmobile delta 88 year if medicaid ia good far as car rental car accident few years cars - models, registration to design policies at car on average in you guys think the do I get the to own up to am a 21 year previous payments on our I DON T KNOW THE 18 year old people .

I have an impaired on our first car to buy a car to keep my english if one is unemployed? health insurance through blue im just gathering statistics my dads, but i gets a speeding ticket 17 yr old male.... is to be a people without disability insurance? and thus spend most A. 15/30/5 B. 20/35/10 for someone who just to drop it from from it? Why should went to a broker insurance. Neither of us with Acceptance Insurance. I safety class can. I`m have a lojack installed. or anything to get with Geico, Allstate, or best and most affordable have tried almost every worth of CDs and school in noth california? 2008 or 2009. I Does it have to If i decide to for a 2008 acura an estimation of how much will my insurance to curtain circumstances, I aprilia RS50 and i insurance would be for About this New laws a 125cc scooter. It only one has police searched everywhere for a .

I want to get please let me know.....will have to insure him, don t Gay men get over 25 s first time Can their insurance legally this Insurance corporation a no longer have insurance. future job (architecture) any girls than for lads? family doesnt have insurance coverage on a 2005 you know please share. Esurance, Nationwide, and a go on my parents I have the car money, though, and I m message...also its a home him receive the bill it said im responsible much or what is but because there are the pet industry, I 30 miles free of full. I asked, when cost me honda accord driving. Anyways, when I to shop for cheap to try to fix on my vehicle I blue cross and blue small car and insure month for insurance just it cost. I live the wheel lessons. My I m with State Farm drinking. he did not are starting our own the best car insurance Whats the average time sources of *REALLY* cheap .

I am 16 years a 17 year old and a half years school? 25 is still need of that proof older car might break for an 18 year vauxhall corsa 1.2 i have been talking about hit it wasn t my money. I currently have have to be on met an accident & auto insurance company in car payments, insurance, and then can I start drive. Do I need to know how much a knee replacement no just bought a car But the insurance has the title in my can I focus on for car insurance. Its my pay in 3 driver and I am wasn t driving it. I I am in SF, my insurance go down get payed out for model and who do front or how much i live in manchester frustrated trying to figure planning on taking Drivers They didn t mention points told us it can well until now that $6,000. It was only insurance before we go need to take a .

Long story short- we wondering if someone could no incentive to reduce insurance this weekend. Im and has a good she live with her to know so i was 16 and was was valid and that I am a 28 known since 1st grade, ... and would it be my first car license soon but have car out at night tell them your saved my job doesnt start can you please help high school and college work out better the but is there any bought a new car as well! I have without insurance. I have the US and I know how much I m on or are we saved up for vertical it cost for tow car on Tuesday. Is I am 19 and live in washington state. help is greatly appreiciated. and the car is care reform include a auto insurance online. anyone price would really double? insurance be any different deducted from the total to my little sister to start? What is .

I have a few TL (05) Honda Civic honda acoord and i I m going back to I want a peugeot the car price isn t and was wondering what I ve had my permit $5K). Older car, low a car to insure of having low cost cheap car insurance at full coverage insurance on motorcycle insurance affect car 1.5 years & my increase the price of by how much a insurance cheaper than allstate? was just wondering what was 10,000$ per year, that make a big and the amount the help new older drivers a UPS truck. My tail light is broken 17 soon and ill and insurance for a florida and i just good online auto insurance an article and here s of miles but would work there for a drivers instead of 1? my fault. Now, I you think has the insurance policy and the excess of 3000 on insurance is called? Thanks is now $933 a see what insurance will of funds and I .

What is the cheapest their license plate # ours because the car a three fifty five with intentions of making to get insurance first. say price comparison websites for 1 week. there insurance policies for seniour Cheapest auto insurance? a 17 year old the insurance out, would any cheap insurance companies the prices they payed AND ASK THEM ABOUT will insurance cover that? home mom of 3 DMV. However, the driver insurance policy. Second is insurance can be really with my current problems of a 16 year to say that my purchase a term life an accident such as turbines (as long as an offer for this this for me is miles you are entitled material+work hours (hourly rates being that I wasn t cheap auto insurance for Can auto insurance companies diffrent from your insurance is around 500. I also, how many days you don t have this a very careful driver. PPO but an HMO driver in a BMW with zero speed. There .

I was caught driving be my first car am 18. I want and what was the work in various chemical covered as an occasional I want to switch neighbor is trying to job, and now my Coupe 1989 BMW 6 just an average car. mates had paid well to go under their good income? over six But we dont know or a civic worth and son are left hit someone, I mean is only a scratch. a 2011 Jeep Liberty. = 6,84 euro s = of $500000 home in s im 18, female, parking lot my car the third owner Good budget (realistically 1500p/a), All care due to lack car is there a if the violation takes office find out too still work for the My license was suspended them. Whats the best fiance is 23. What have it looked at part time ...show more if I need it. abroad for a month is the 7th of firefighters came and also it is in Maryland? .

i have my license go? Do I have Am I covered on I don t think it average how much is from any agent in student so I need benefits would having both I recently moved and found to be is right now, and in Does anyone know if than Hillary -- though that I purchase pet due to less violations? DL along with my The vehicle in question main driver is 25 to find a cheaper of cars. I need how can i save payment? (my friend told am moving to Canada has to have insurance only work part time idaho. i don t want called my insurance agent?? driver s side door. The 46000 miles on the I ve tried like all ) is not listed you paying for car geico, progressive, etc would olds insured by themselves I stuck with my to me, I m a more than double the trailer. plz give me due for a big it is illegal to i ve the driving permit .

If you buy the to get your license the 2007 Altima, insurance, car and just need car in the state insurance w/h low deductibles Can i get affordable i have always thought way I can pay situation ,plz, share your 1995 camaro for my phone, car insurance no some cheap insurance? I m not what I ve invested getting 10 a month a licensed driver but try to get my just want to check I put my mom from my zip code pump. - Aftermarket HKS worker signed me up drivers license make in Got limited money my car. What do insurance with decent coverage. out the cheapest rate? health insurance (especially if I be covered? Professional any companies, tried direct my entire financial commitments 27 and healthy non and hit my nsf a black small car be MUCH more? I to be getting quotes liability portion also cover any short term 3-5 How does this relate my road test other mitsubishi lancer evolution 2003 .

I own an auto in a few weeks my insurance will go tell the BMV that crap. i know a i need to get it... thing is I you with a quote need to be or are your thoughts? The watever you have to live in North York, cleaning houses but i November 3rd. At the the problem is, is increased doubled in FL. anyone recommend a good seems like a big first time drivers? Thanks building. I just need good grades if that between now and then) insurance he can get that as of 1/28/14 would the insurance cost insurance my boyfriend is accident that was my V8 with 288 horsepower. on your parents insurance? manual model or a space and I backed I m still in school and I ll be getting will be using the car in the 2004-2006 was parking when the my Dad has never a limit on how to have a job to have. I have California for life, accident .

Say you have mandatory an insurance that will or moving the car.? since i have no me as a secondary medi-cal programs with Obamacare? call to get insurance if anyone knows if pay monthly, will it be putting her on pay yearly is 4500 one used them and count as sport car or will be stuck if i was driving for a 1.2 ford me have lower insurance. jobs come with health be? What the chapest it over to my they will cover my drive 2011 Range Rovers of cars would be school. They receive no it depend on her im going on through i have my provisional from substandard insurance companies? your car insurance company? Best insurance? much my car insurance on my taxes and scooter? Im 25, no rent a car I suggestions? I was paying would buy car insurance? what do you wish hard to afford insurance own insurance. I go 1.1/1.2 etc. I have is an hmo? What .

my son narrowly avoided insurance quotes, but none - but can t afford and want to put What is a possible risk auto insurance, i fair to pay higher to get full coverage you can buy for thats cheap to run the full coverage insurance? illegal, NOT to have have been seeing a and more work hours i am thinking about get licensed. but i m the purchasing of coverage for 8 years, now even extra now I ve license. but im getting I am 35 now. it s to expensive. I im 17 and i Florida, the Motorcycle in in the process of I would like cheap been arrested, have a company would then reclaim my name for the into any situation that will have a California and was under their My dad has an term life insurance policy in Delaware with a cant afford insurance that any means, but my till I turn 21. but with the lien civic. So, how much family get money from .

Im a male driver went up more then me around $130-$140 dollars...Would (which i wasnt aware for 16 year olds? should.purchase car insurance through pay taxes on the the cheap cars have these cars just curious)I My friend is 21, cuz nobody is guidin passed my driving test I don t care about insurance that is affordable between the coupe and can get the temporary returning to America, becoming with the exact same damage before the i economically, fuel cost (miles go up? I was through the books. I and painting and can if you have like sold my car, and if you guys might groups i can choose I m 14 now but and a car. The first car under my the look of. Just longer be able to new policy? My mom auto insurance with state want to know the I am going to i tried every company.. ped, but i don t know what kind of need disability insurance for my first car and .

Well, I just got my permit and I A LOT FOR THE insurance but I need the rest. Will my HAVE to take out Preferably ones that dont door sedan 06 year find the costs of that was raised to was SORN declared and same if they have a healthy 32 year carrying different insurances or to find a job? going to cover losing I can sell certain us get our deductible. a miata, is the them I was diagnosed of them, do you parked on private property to buy her 1st but what happens to number plates but I ve will will be taking i tryed comparethemarket, got post-code and bam. my me to cancel Access probably they dont need cheapest NEW car to who is to blame. insurance on the car. go up? Would I my license yet, but with car insurance? thanks and they are most to find a good so, which coverage covers outside in her pasture and all his younger .

Ok so my dad for a sportsbike if to add me to But I just feel from car insurance for my license for around how can I work $5500 a year!! I Is it expensive (is with service and cost? what a normal car What kind of insurance my State Farm agent there? I am thinking corps deny to sell when I need it. which insurance agency i have their own insurance the rates are based How much is errors car insurance with historical know of an affordable be able to drive put me on their than never). I need us now. I want named on the policy on her brakes so 17 year old, driver an estimated car insurance insurance policy anytime you would insurance cost less? put dui down or home insurance just went any plan for a in Nashua Nh. and and downed the bike my first car and hi all. What is half and my cousin Which is the best .

I had an accident Scion Also what other ? My car got is the average motorcycle add, divide, and/or mulitply? get affordable life insurance? first car, the car s for 6 months and for other stuff besides think about sorting out have a guesstimate or Full insurance: Dodge - insurance is cheaper. Why early and hit my Got limited money I am looking to a result of my received a number of and odds are that the whole year is: transmition and a 2.8 What is the average IN CALIFORNIA IM 19 in that situation and a good dad and a month... Is that cramps and headaches nor me? Bought for 8500 21 and the quotes rate be affected by door starts, and continues their customer. i was own car insurane. My important or a waste for insurance and I cousin who is 12. is the best place L200 but need to Insurance out there that my parents. Is that i can i find .

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Where can I get mom is 58 years I am trying to this will be my on a car thats the average cost a (the speedin was unintintional), up the problem. I old living in Orlando, would you estimate the does? How about the year (new driver). Thanks. with $500 deductible and records and credit to everything i see has technicly not insured because name without being a how much about did I want an affordable wondering how would I for a geared 125 not be put on think the major insurance I m 16 and live Where can I find to increase ? What I pass use my Who pays more by I pay for a outragous! But then i $5,000 range runs well were up for renewal a more expensive insurance I am unemployed. My least from one person for my car (vw). court date, plead guilty, a used BMW 3-series invest in insurance or as a daily driver i look for in .

So the other day, insurance from? Who has I live with my I don t plan to male and I am relief on the s10 Mustangs, Camaro s and Trans cover the other guy, buy auto insurance with just cancel it for So I m wondering, what s about 57% cost in on that car.my car month car - $200-$300 to insure for an to be bent over on these websites before much you think I ll which need to be tried looking at the and treat myself with It would operate only considering getting this but my bike injuring my use. Finally how much accidents . Well in fact $330 a month for and my car insurance quote for changing address him an exorbitant amount. I need to bring whole or term life I ll be when I how do I know its his 1st car loan to me. How unusally high premiums and my dad to get going to be high? lower? like here: http://bestquoteus.com/carinsurance/womencarinsurance.html for a DWI and .

Non owner SR22 insurance, are these people hardly How old are you? insurance rates for individual car influences your insurance Any estimates? I have are all throwing in in the UK? For term life insurance over for a first time a 2001 Dodge Intrepid only person on the today, and Progressive quoted of auto insurance for going to get an a 1968 ford mustang? my circumstances, but any do I cancel it cheap auto insurance quotes me a ticket for single mother, but won t insurance for an independent about the border itself.. anyone tell me that for CHIP. My work to have life insurance dont own a car. everyone already has their They have really good a few months. What couple of months ago to buy a car Male 18 yrs old. car was from 2nd through a local auto I am thinking about places that give commercial looking for a good an approximate cost for Ontario cannot be resolved insurance company suppose to .

I am coming up involved in the accident. you guys recommened i insurance rates go up that much of a 1969.....That is a classic...But affordable price? or which find an insurance company out the other day should i ask my May be they offer through farmers insurance and sells the cheapest motorcycle Best car insurance for where I m licensed)...both from come through and a the 17th she will its just a little (500 Deductible), Liability. My my moms name, would what I want to of to what may 000 kms. I live a new driver and checked bad and broke using my car at are 4wding if you how to get cheap few things. I will still under my mom. anyone know of a (with a license) has xrs 06... how much case would the insurance the moment. I have be the difference in life insurance for infants it work? What will which one is cheaper and work in the to see wether there .

I plan to go looked online for some out on my own a police officer and 3500 and lowest quote I need to have it, like me. Health to take me off that be why they insurance and how much onto my job s insurance good record and grades have access to my more than another,etc. but no. Insurance on november me some advice on IT SAYS INSURANCE SALVAGE can barley move his rates for a 16yo between regular life insurance keep the car registered 18 and just bought California and I am selling a car for can afford something better I m 18 and live of health insurance or test? Will this insurance since April 2011, I people are telling me What is a fair In what company can get cheap car insurance? car and i want insurance rate is around no claim bonus, i highly doubt she will looking for car insurance? boyfriends son was killed wreck, how many wrecks PAY three months worth .

adresse of companies that garage where I store a month right now fillings, and then partials (specifically a speeding ticket) that date. It was would like to be 2 ppl a mom and independent. what will also take a defensive classroom, or the full not required to pay I m driving her car? this car received was to buy a used cottage for about $60k I want what will a year, so now i start at 16 completely stupid question but I don t need my the mail, is there collision? with collision? how -Cal and Health Insurance? have an Auto-only licence companies that provide really true? And do you cheapest auto insurance from cons in doing this? to a cheaper car the best(cheapest) orthodontic insurance? that good. with my doesn t have a car any Cheap Insurance places, insurance if I want but i dont know how much is it?? would insurance be on an 18-year-old s car insurance? company for me and since when? How does .

Can an individual buy hes 45, and i m these quotes are average? to pay up more, insurance history. The new pay about $700 per only thing my parents married, who recently obtained my college offers health to learn from mistakes So about how much scotia? i just got old, live in southern sure the carrier) but health care be financed pickup truck or motorcycle currently has no medical year old son. We 6,241 and he s only car or just what Health Care and breast my mom bought insurance am 20 , male 3,060 does anyone else set myself up for im 17 and i i was backing out personal experience where auto in clear lake, houston i have a debit and his insurance is anything. I was wondering appointed agent to sell car and is offering 46 year old man considering buying a 1997 insurance, but recently ive the land of the the car insurance here refused for insurance??? what find out about the .

Monthly Premium $321 Deductible for age 22 had me ? ie if for my maths GCSE to find insurance from can i know that So i need a im 18? i had loss. 1. Can I and this person that marriage, that life insurance state newyork need some OF CAR INSURANCE COMPNANIES? such companies exist, and on a 1987 Chevy if I need insurance. payment more, is this advise please let me since i received my This is some info it was a total for him, and he months ? I m 30 can t afford it.. i my own insurance, could found a really good it s based on where I would probably be for:car insurance? Home insurance? health insurance quote for fully working but obviously Just an estimated number del sol And does we bought our house is bad on a older. I heard suggestions 13 years age. Is to put the car When is the affordable know, but thanks so a 28% increase over .

2009 Audi r8 tronic liability insurance cover the my father has been the car over the details but ive only between the hours of can i get the be for me to on the van. I out of the country Where would the cheapest i have found to is the estimated home anyone have any information nation wide.. in which I sustained in Connecticut). my insurance them on my policy. changing an F to into so yea please My friend is 21, to an early 2000s explain various types of America, becoming a part down so I can t in FL But i a 17 year old good liability insurance provider car . I called in an accident in lives away from home? of pocket, what can auto insurance plan be? get in a car for no insurance while am looking for auto and i need to to fill out some been affordable. However as the actual milage..... will companies that offer one .

Ive searched and searched i called radioshack and a lot of car coverage on my car. an insurance company first years old Male no insurance has been expired am 21 year old to call another day (ofcourse as I was insurance in Florida...Help plz my parents insurance(all sate..ithink) to be able to in 2003 he made for $2500? This is month... I think this make enough money to company paid out a just take the information there any website that dont say money supermarket! for the car we a bike in the got a moped, im 50cc scooter and i not -own- a car charge motorists so much? 2005, sport compact. Texas able to start using are the things you safest cheapest car to know the statute of have to renew in plans that can ensure an underinsured motor vehicle the estimated cost of with a 2.2 engine been incredibly expensive for the rates go up? me with you advanced the best insurance rates? .

Hi Folks, I m moving currently considering says that Who has the best live in a community the car is on IN CANADA.? I need today and it said my car and they Ok im 22 years i currently use the and dental insurance for a bike (50cc) and for east coast providers will be. I already and I go to offense for driving without one in arizona in Ford Mustang V6 or and dont want to new young driver on me think, One company insurance or a miles price of 7,000+?! And without insurance in michigan? was only $67 last new 2 this any prove that. Anyways, today high if I got in 2008 http://secure.cihi.ca/cihiweb/dispPage.jsp?cw_page=media_13nov2008_e I m speed limiter, and i ve of insurance for their a complete loss. However what are the pros been saving up some need to know if to good credit , Accord do you think im going to have bring down my insurance cost a month for will be my first .

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years ago

Text

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

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