#and the reason why I can't write my own is because I've become too invested in them

[puimoo]

Dick Grayson ficlet requests open

Because of my desperation to try and write anything through my oppressive writer's block, I am opening my messages/inbox to any 300-word Dick Grayson-related fanfic prompts - often the more specific, the better (with the reminder that these are tiny little ficlets on offer)! They can involve any other characters/weird and random AUs/the darkest angst and the lightest fluff (etc) as long as Dick is there as part of the request.

(If this doesn't work, the next step may be to hire someone to take one of my cats hostage)

[yanxidarlings]

hello !! I've been really interested in your "not slytherin" writing and i think i have reread it more than 20-ish times hahahah since it's really good and you're the reason why i am invested in all these fan characters (since i didnt see what their appeal was before reading your work).

and now speaking of it, I'm now thinking about a specific "what if?" scenario, and that is; what if the suffering the reader goes through becomes so much to the point it transforms them into an obscurial? they have pretty much oppressed all their emotions, all their negativity, for four years— and it broke them. and the angst would be so good for this. the reader would definitely be more than distrustful. they're afraid that since their name has already been burnt off their own family; they would soon be expelled or even worse taken into the ministry for how dangerous they are to the other students. and this would definitely up the yandere factor to another level. they're aware theyre at fault for most of the reader's suffering, and that a single trigger would cause them to burst but then they can't do a single fucking thing about it or else.

not a request, but it's something ive been thinking about for a long time now !! (I'm really new to the hp fandom and ur writing definitely made me want to read more into them so I'm glad i stumbled upon it suddenly ^^)

dude, broski, broskilenski, ur a wizard of some sort because HOW ELSE COULD YOU READ MY MIND

i was considering making the reader an obscurial (my favourite fanfiction trope by far) but hesitent incase it was too farfetched but I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A SIGN

was sitting on not slytherin aye p2 but this ask has given me the inspiration to write

so without further adieu, with compliments to the other not slytherin p2 ask

jaythes1mp asked:

Could you do a part two of your latest fic (at this time) — YANDERE SLYTHERIN BOYS: NOT SLYTHERIN, AYE?

Where all the sudden suffocating affection they’re showing him after years of tournament makes him leave Hogwarts because he’s so terrified. He knows they couldn’t have changed, since they’re still threatening anyone near him. But once news gets around to them that he’s leaving for good? How would they take the news? And if they learn that he’s been disowned from his family? Would that be a good or bad thing — because now they can’t arrange a marriage. And it would be harder to find him if he got out of their grasps.

Would they be forced to team up? Would they force him into an unbreakable vow or blood pact??

Please do my request, I’ll beg. Just ask, I will actually get on my knees and beg. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

i present

YANDERE SLYTHERIN BOYS: NOT SLYTHERIN, AYE? P2

“remember, you have to do anything to be slytherin, no matter what it takes” draco's words replayed in m/n's head. he'd replayed that sentance so much it had become distorted, is that even what he said m/n thought to himself, watching the train pass by.

under his eyes were bags the size of boulders, he hadn't slept in days. not since..

"excuse me, sir" a voice rung in his head. m/n shook his head, he wanted it all to go away, go away, go away- "mister, i'm gonna have to ask you for ID" somesort of internal wiring within him snapped "GO AWAY" m/n screamed, finally turning to face to the person- man.. muggle police officer, that had been addressing him.

the officer moved back, taking a strange device off his uniform and speaking into it "i'm gonna need back-up, barkley" whilst the man was engaged, m/n made a run for it.

"GET BACK HERE YOUNG MAN" the police officer bellowed, chasing after the teenage boy.

running through, down the subway and onto the train tracks, the officer gave up the pursuit. sooner or later the boy would be run over by an oncoming train in the tunnels.

after running for who knows how long, m/n finally slowed to a walking pace. then he stopped. the sound of a horn filled his ears, the pitch black tunnel illuminated by the vehicles headlights. i

it was getting closer

m/n looked around, there was nowhere to go in the narrow tunnel

closer

tears filled his eyes, but instead of sobbing he began laughing, only to break out into a fit of sobs and then revert back to laughter.

it was too close

suddenly a BANG was heard as the train came to a stop, the tunnel filled with black mist, which had somehow crushed the head of the train.

it was not natural, it was.. dark magic.

• it was on the front page of the daily prophet the next day 'OBSCURIAL SIGHTING IN SOUTH LONDON SUBWAY' obscurials were no common occurance, the last one was reported in the 1930's, new york.

• it wasn't a cured illness, no, the circumstances of it's development had simply become less common. children of all blood status' had access to education in order to facilitate their powers, and there were muggleborn programs across the world to ensure they did not develop one either.

• it had the ministry stumped. there were no leads on the obscurus, nor was a body found to sugget the outburst had caused the hosts death.

• albus dumbledore was no stranger to obscurials, he had lost so much to them, his sister, his nephew — but he knew well what power the host of one held. and the key role one could play in the coming war.

• which is why he had to find the obscurial before the ministry, or lord voldemort did.

"i am not here to hurt you, m/n" the headmaster called out, slowly approaching the young wizard, who's wand was drawn. "what spell do you plan to use, child?" the older man chimed, it was no secret m/n l/n was never the best with applied magic, like he was with potions or magical creatures

m/n's wand arm shook, "petrificus totalus" upon speaking the words, his wand shot out a spell, of which dumbledore blocked. hitting into the ground, the concrete began to degrade.

terrified, m/n dropped his wand, eyes glassy and wide "i didn't- i have to go" he stuttered out

"there are people who will hurt you, who will use you as a weapon" dumbledore moved closer to the boy who was now shaking "i can help, you can help, you don't have to be the monster the obscurus compels you to be" they were now face to face, or beard to cheek, as m/n couldn't break his eyes away from the concrete.

when the boy nodded, the headmaster took his arm, and a loud POP sounded through the air.

the next day, m/n attended breakfast as if he had not been missing for the past two weeks.

the headmaster had given him his own room under the guise of spacing issues, perhaps having an escape would make this year less hellish, or maybe spending too much time alone would exuberate his growing instability.

at least he could kill one of his tormenters without any witnesses now.

a couple people stared at him as he made his way to the great hall, lovegood had even greeted him. albeit she held the quibbler she had with her close to her chest.

"salazar!" he heard a familiar voice exclaim from behind him, arms wrapping around him "where have you been, l/n" he didn't like the way malfoy was looking at him, it was soft "i thought- i thought you had done something stup-"

m/n was quick to shove off malfoys embrace, rather roughly, before turning around to walk away.

he was pulled back, he now saw malfoys eyes were glassy, as if he was about to cry. what a baby, m/n thought, he wasn't listening to whatever bollocks was coming out malfoys mouth, instead he just glared "and i'm sorry if i was the reason-"

"malfoy, just go cry about this to the house elves, they get paid to care i don't"

and with that, m/n was off, ignoring zabini and nott who were staring at him as he shoved past.

• as the days went by, his tormentors wouldn't leave him alone, but they weren't doing what they always had, they were being nice. which scared him even more. perhaps because niceness was so foreign or because he knew it had to be a ploy for their next big trick.

• he wanted to be left alone by them but there was no way out. they held him in chokeholds they called hugs and suffocated him with what they called kisses.

• they sat with him in class and one of them was always partnered up with him, but they just wanted to sabotage his grades, and get him expelled.

• they were no longer hostile towards him but towards each other, whenever one caught him with another, they'd fight each other with wits or fists.

• they dragged him to their dorm every night and drew sticks to decide who he would be stuck with for the night. he never slept those nights, they were just waiting for him to fall asleep so they could do something horrible.

• but he rarely ever slept at all these days, which is what contributed to the paranoia that led him to leaving.

• the only reason he stayed was for headmaster dumbledore, who had been attempting to help him learn to control the obscurus, to no avail. when the headmaster was outcast by the ministry, there was no reason to stay and wait to get caught for what he was.

"do you understand your fault, mr l/n" the sickeningly sweet sound of umbridges voice filled his ears, it was more painful than the cuts inflicted on him by the quill he had been forced to write with.

blood was trickling down to the floor, the words that he had been made to write indecipherable, covered in the blood they had drawn. "i must not disrespect the high inquisitor" he uttered, teeth clenched.

"i don't think you understand, mr l/n, twenty more lines"

he remained still, staring at the blood on the carpet, then at the decorative plates embeded with cats, and then at umbridges face.

"i quit"

"pardon, mr l/n?"

m/n stood up out of his chair, dropping the quill on the floor "i'm leaving hogwarts" he threw his wand on the table he had been forced to maim himself at, before storming out of the room.

• the news soon reached the slytherins that their beloved m/n had left the school, leaving them bewildered.

• when draco tried to find the reader by having his father get in contact with the l/n's, it finally hit them that m/n had been disowned, rendering their previous efforts to keep him useless.

BLAISE ZABINI

• blaise is probably the most crushed. his entire plan involved arranging a marriage with the reader, which was now impossible. but what upsets him more is that m/n never even told him. five months and not one mention of being disowned.

• he's mad at the reader until he comes to know the reason for the reader being disowened - because of all he and the other slytherins had done to make it seem like he was a blood traitor.

• blaise hated himself for being a part of it all, but above all, he hated the other slytherins for starting it all. it was draco's fault they all started tormenting him, it was mattheos fault they took it to the extreme.

DRACO MALFOY

• draco had his suspicions from the moment m/n returned, his father had mentioned in passing about the l/n's and how dissapointed they were in their son. but it usually ended in lucius praising draco for being such a good son, so he had never paid it much mind.

• it was his fault, he knew it. he hated feeling powerless but that's what he felt as his father told him m/n hadn't gone back home. m/n didn't have a home. he could be out there all on his own, exposed to the dangers of the muggle world..

• his obsession only grew after m/n left hogwarts, every moment of every day he wondered where he was, if he was okay, if he was with anyone. if he was with anyone he'd end them.

LORENZO BERKSHIRE

• enzo had been told by his parents a few months ago they were unable to arrange a marriage because m/n had been disowned. not that he told anyone else, let them think they have him whilst lorenzo makes m/n fall in love with him.

• except his every advance was met with rejection or hostility. and when m/n left for good he was devastated, how were they supposed to live out their love story now?

• lorenzo confronts the other slytherins when the news m/n had left reached them, which is what led to the realization that they were all sickly obsessed with the ravenclaw.

MATTHEO RIDDLE

• something had been strange about m/n the moment he returned, mattheo saw it in his eyes. whether it was what he had gone through the previous years still haunting him, or something else, mattheo tries to get m/n to talk to him, but he's.. mattheo, who once broke m/n's ribcage from beating him.

• it was impossible to foster any trust no matter what he did. he tries to talk about his own struggles, his cruel father and upbringing. he tries to treat m/n like a porcelain doll, but the walls never go down.

• hell hath no rage like a riddle scorned, mattheo would have killed umbridge if tom hadn't stopped him. but he wasn't done with just her, the l/n's were next on his path of rage, and there was little anyone could do to stop him from inflicting a painful death on them

THEODORE NOTT

• theo could barely handle m/n's reluctance to warm up to him, it took every bit of strength in him not to yell and force m/n into opening up, accepting his affection, but m/n not being there at all? theo goes off the rails.

• he fears the worst, what if.. m/n.. theo thinks to himself every moment he's not thinking about how to get him back. when draco tells him m/n was disowned, he broke down crying in the bathroom when he was alone later.

• the world was not safe for a young wizard with no wand or money. what if the dark lord went after him for being a blood traitor. theo went with mattheo to threaten umbridge, and figure out where m/n would have gone.

TOM RIDDLE

• tom could see all the pain m/n was going through when he used legilimency on him. he saw the abuse, the torment, the self hatred, and he knew what the reader had been through and become.

• he's furious that m/n's own parents would disown him, as if he was disposable. it reminded him too much of his own father. but he puts his emotions aside to focus on what really mattered, finding and keeping m/n.

• tom was the only one who had figured out m/n's condition, and used it to his advantage, telling his father that the reader was the obscurus the ministry had been looking for, making m/n voldemorts new target for capture.

tracking down an obscurial was not as simple as the dark lord had anticipated it to be, which is why he delegated the task to his eldest son who had first hand experience with the boy, m/n l/n.

coming to a stop as the sight of the boy filled tom vision, the young death eater watched as m/n stared down his reflection in the water. tom slowly came closer, wand at the ready, until his own reflection revealed his presence.

"you look horrible" the boy turned to face tom as he spoke "you here to kill me, riddle?" m/n sounded resigned, like he had already accepted it.

but that was not what tom was there for. "the dark lord wants you within his ranks" tom stated, avoiding m/n's dead gaze. "what the dark lord wants does not concern me" m/n took a step back, he was scared, tom could tell.

"are you going to make this difficult for me, m/n?" tom took a step closer, snaking an arm around the males waist.

before m/n had the chance to try and stab him in the eye with his own wand, tom stunned him, knocking him out, as lord voldemort came out of the shadows "well done, son" tom looked down at m/n's unconscious face as they apparated. you'll love me oneday.

• the readers condition certainly complicates things for the slytherins, it's no longer simply just subjugate him whether he likes it or not, the readers stability is the difference between life or death, freedom or azkaban for them.

• he becomes the dark lords puppet project, a weapon to use against the order of the phoenix and a tool to keep the future of the death eaters loyal.

• he never returns to hogwarts, tom made sure he was outted as the obscurial so that he'd never have anywhere to run, everywhere he could go he would be seen as a threat, a monster.

• an all-out war breaks out bewteen the slytherins once they have the reader in their grasp again. no one is willing to relent, m/n belongs to them. not the others, them.

• the slytherins would slowly come to the realisation there was no single 'winner', none of them could ever have a normal life with him now the dark lord was back and he had developed an obscurus.

• instead the focus would switch into keeping m/n safe, from voldemort, from himself, from the ministry, from everything.

TOM RIDDLE

• out of all of them, tom can handle m/n's obscurus the best. mostly because he's level headed enough not to set him off. sure he has some sadistic tendencies but at the cost of his own, and surrounding lives?

• tom's obsession was exuberated by the obscurus, it made his darling all the more appealing. to hold such power over someone so powerful is what drives him to sometimes provoke the obscurus, to see what potential m/n truly holds.

• sometimes he goes to far and gets someone or himself seriously injured. he wants to help his darling learn to control the obscurus, but it's hard to acheive when he himself also wants to control his darling.

THEODORE NOTT

• theo is frankly horrified when he finds out m/n had developed an obscurus. he had only ever heard stories about obscurials dying young, after an outburst they can't control.

• he wonders how long m/n had suffered with it for. in the back of his mind, he hopes it was before hogwarts, or else he truly was an absolute piece of shit, to help torment the one he loves most into such a despairful illness.

• theo spends the time he's not with his darling searching through the old pureblood libraries for even a hint of a cure. he wanted to be with his darling forever, but the oldest obscurial only ever lived until 23. theo won't stop until he can figure out how to get rid of the obscurus.

MATTHEO RIDDLE

• mattheo knows he's most likely the reason, above all the other slytherins, for the readers affliction. he was the one who chased him into dark hallways and used the torture curse, the one who said the nastiest things, the one who went the furthest with the torment.

• he wishes he could take all his darlings pain away. because one wrong word, one accidental touch, could send him over the edge. a world without his darling is what scares him the most, above everything fucked up in the wizarding world.

• so he treats m/n like a single bump would shatter him. it's difficult, mattheo isn't exactly the super soft type, but he tries, he knows if any of the slytherins caught m/n looking upset around him they'd end him.

LORENZO BERKSHIRE

• enzo underestimates the readers condition, until he finally see's it for himself one day when snape had called m/n a freak, and he exploded. safe to say, it terrified enzo.

• he's under the impression that if he loves m/n enough, the obscurus will go away. deep down he knows it won't, but it helps him justify the heap of affection he doses his darling in. his heart breaks when he's pushed away and he knows pushing back could result in the worst.

• lorenzo is the readers number one caretaker. he always reminds them to eat and get sleep and not to stress about anything. he tries to treat them as normally as possible but it gets difficult when the obscurus mentality kicks in and m/n starts talking about killing them all.

DRACO MALFOY

• draco isn't quite sure how to approach his dear darling after finding out he's an obscurial. draco is overcome with guilt for the hand he had in it, and abominably frustrated he can't just force the reader into doing what he wants.

• when he becomes a death eater he begins to fear for his darlings safety, he hears what the dark lord says about his plans including m/n, and it scares him. there's no regard for m/n's safety or survival, the dark lords only goal is to set m/n off when he takes hogwarts for a quick and easy victory.

• draco tries to get closer to m/n by playing the dependent rich boy, who doesn't know how to do anything for himself. draco figures that if m/n starts to feel responsible for him, it'll be harder for him to leave or say no.

BLAISE ZABINI

• blaises mother told him to stay far away from m/n when she found out. if it were anyone else he would take her advice, but this was his darling, and he could never abandon him over a small imperfection.

• he's the easiest to be around among them all, he doesn't feel the need to always been touching or talking to the reader which is usually what sets him off.

• blaise tries to help m/n settle back into normal life (normal meaning non socially isolated endlessly tormented), but years of torment has taken it's toll in more ways than one. sometimes m/n will accuse blaise and the others of the strangest things, but they all have to take it in stride, or else risk an outburst.

[wanderingaldecaldo]

I've been posting Ros and Val without any context or backstory because my brain has been going brrrrrrrr too much to write anything proper besides drabbles, and a couple of unrelated oneshots. I'm still figuring out their story but I've discovered some of the major beats and wanted to get it down for my future self, as well as anyone who's following along at home.

Their story follows PL fairly closely with a few places where I took some creative license. Val and Ros hook up at the safe house, and it takes Reed a little longer to get everything organized, giving them a few days together in Dogtown before Ros is spirited back to D.C.

Lemme just wipe off your cheek real quick...

Val needs family. She doesn't know it, but that's why she gravitated to Jackie and Lupe. It's why she calls Panam for help in her canon. Rosalind represents family in a different way. She's the mother who knows what's best, who cares about "her" people, and Val doesn't realize how much she needs that attachment. Several times during the rescue, Ros displays affection and concern for her—when the building collapses before the Chimera fight, during the Relic malfunction—and combined with the mission to keep her safe, it triggers something deep inside V, a loyalty that she doesn't understand.

Rosalind, on the other hand, just lost a lot of crucial advisors. While we don't know who was on board aside from So Mi, we can guess that there were high ranking staffers, such as communications, security, and campaign, plus her own personal assistant and Secret Service agent. She has no one. She is vulnerable with V, admitting that she doesn't know what to do, that she has no one; and V's response is to remind her that she's there, and she's determined to get her out of the situation. Loyalty is something Ros values highly, and here is this merc tasked with saving her, but who sees the situation as more than just another gig; who has become personally invested in protecting her. It's intoxicating to have someone who's unflinchingly loyal to you, and who has seen the real you.

Once they reach the safe house, things escalate because of the mix of all those emotions, plus all the adrenaline and endorphins from the escape. It becomes more than just a hookup, but because of their situations (Ros's, let's be real), they both know it's an untenable relationship. Their time is bittersweet because of that knowledge.

Just squint a little and the Dogtown apartment isn't that bad!

Continued after the cut...

Later after the events of PL, they stay in touch, and there is affection between them still. Ros reaches out by text for fashion advice on the magazine shoot. They both agree that V isn't the right person for the job, but Ros knows she'll at least be honest. Later the acting campaign manager thinks having Ros take photos with the merc who saved her life in Dogtown would be good ad material, so Ros recruits V to the photo shoot.

Note: add at least one eagle for the "real" patriots

V uses the photo shoot to her advantage and successfully lobbies for the dinner date Rosalind promised. They have it that evening at Embers, as it's easy to secure for VIPs. Ros wants to know what V expects, because surely she can't think there is hope for a real relationship; but V wants whatever she can have. At this point, she knows she's crazy about Rosalind, while Ros is in denial herself over how much she cares about V.

“Where do you think this will go, V?” Rosalind's voice is soft and melodic. She doesn’t know, doesn’t care. She needs something, will take anything. “Hopin’ the first stop is my bedroom,” V says and gives her cockiest grin, but it quickly fades. “After that? Kinda up to you, yeah?”

They spend the night together and Ros decides to give it a try. They officially start seeing each other, but in secret and only when Ros has reason to visit NC. The new mayor provides a good excuse, so Ros visits under cover of extending diplomatic ties, and providing an opportunity for date night with her merc.

It's good to have powerful friends, like the new mayor of Night City.

After a few months of this, they slip up and the media catch wind that the President is spending time with the merc who saved her life in Dogtown. The campaign manager wants to use the media frenzy by spinning it as Rosalind recruiting V as her personal bodyguard, while still encouraging theories about their secret romantic relationship so the screamsheets will go crazy over it.

Eventually people are gonna notice when AF1 keeps showing up in NC airspace.

At that point V is ready to upend her life for Ros. She agrees to the plan and moves to D.C. The media eats it all up, and suddenly the only thing the NUS cares about is whether the President and her merc are fucking (they are). Eventually they transition to openly dating, and the President's approval rating shoots up by having a partner who humanizes her and makes her more likeable.

[blindmagdalena]

Did you or do you ever struggle writing character x reader fanfiction? I read it quite a lot but I just can't get used to writing in that format. I'm writing an OC x Homelander story, though.

I had never created an OC before, but I am certainly more comfortable writing a character that has a name, face and backstory of their own than using a generic reader. Particularly when I'm writing about the character's past and other individual characteristics, addressing the reader as you seems so weird to me. It makes me feel like I can't give in to specifics because it breaks the illusion.

Also, I've enjoyed the act of creating an OC. Giving them a name, a story, motivations, designing their psychology, etc.

However, I find it discouraging to see that OC x HL stories are nowhere near as popular as HL x Reader and I worry that I may not find an audience. When I post anything in ao3 it gets like two likes and in tumblr I'm just ignored completely 😢

Could you please give me some advice pls?

oh my darling! i hear you. the disparity in interest between x oc content vs x reader content is undeniable, but it's also inevitable. all the reasons you describe struggling with reader perspective fics is why it's so popular: the lack of detail allows the reader to adopt a nebulous perspective, whether they see their own oc in that situation or their literal selves. it doesn't require them to get to know or become invested in your creation, it allows them to indulge in what feels like their own.

i don't think readers get enough credit for their suspension of disbelief and the mental work they put into filling in the blanks that authors leave. similarly, it's absolutely difficult to tell a compelling story while leaving what is often the perspective character a near blank slate. that said! the fics i get the most feedback on are where the reader does have a stronger personality. people love banter, and even if the reader's voice doesn't always feel like something they would actually say, it always produces much more engaging interactions.

i've definitely had my struggle with this in the past, but i'm still learning. the series i'm working on right now, Guilty Pleasures, features a reader with quite a lot of personality, and i've established things about her that i wouldn't normally go into such detail, and the response to it has been great! your reader perspective SHOULD still feel like a character with thoughts, motivations and feelings. otherwise, the story is going to fall a little flat.

if it's easier for you to write the reader perspective as if they're your oc, you should do that. there's a delicate balance between too much and too little information when it comes to reader fic. sometimes taking liberties really works, and i think you'd be surprised how well readers can stretch that illusion. reader perspective should resonate, but not be so overpowering that the actual person reading doesn't like them.

but you absolutely do not need to force yourself to write a particular style of story if it's not something you actually enjoy. i also write and enjoy oc fic! i honestly think my oc fic Eat Your Ego is some of my very best work. unfortunately, it's rare that any of those chapters ever break close to 100 notes, whereas even little reader drabbles will see 2-3x those numbers, sometimes more.

but i write it because i love it, and it's the story i want to tell. that's what matters! and because of my dedication to the story, people have been kind enough to trust me with their time and investment. oc fic will never have the same broad appeal that reader fic does, but that doesn't make it less valuable. you just have to invest more in promoting yourself and convincing people that your story has something to offer them.

my best advice is just don't give up! i'm horribly erratic when it comes to the creative projects i work on, but i've been writing Eat Your Ego for over a year and it has gathered a lovely little following. feedback on that fic means SO much to me. even though there's less of it, the joy it brings me is immeasurable because that fic is special to me. don't give up on your story! it deserves to be told. 🖤

[itsclydebitches]

Tonight I came across a post (that won't hit my blog until July because I queued it) about how it's unfortunate that "fun" has supposedly become a requirement of video games, given that this severely limits how they can function as works of art. We don't limit other mediums by insisting that they only produce positive emotions and experiences in the recipient, so why would video games be any different just because they're (more) interactive?

This post isn't actually about video games, but rather how that argument got me thinking about RWBY and the recent resurgence of this "Why are you still here if you hate the show?" question. Now, setting aside the acknowledgment that 99.9% of people asking that are merely trolling behind their faux-concern—they have no actual interest in hearing a RWDE poster's reasons for sticking around, they simply want a way to say, "Get out" with plausible deniability—but if we treat this question seriously, I think that post on video games may offer some insight. I have numerous reasons for keeping active in the RWBY/RWDE fandom (initial love of the show, intellectual exercises, the community we've made, etc.) but there is also some level of investment in what would traditionally be framed as non-positive emotions. RWBY can make me feel very frustrated... similar to how playing Pathalogic makes me frustrated. Many of its plot-lines make me angry... the same way numerous video games' discriminatory writing can make me angry. RWBY's community, at times, feels like an insult-laden battlefield... but I've been doing PvP in WoW since it came out, so that's familiar too.

There are so many times when I've enjoyed engaging with a piece of media even when I really didn't enjoy it. Perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I found something worthwhile in the experience, even if I couldn't label that as "fun" or "happiness" or "satisfaction." Sometimes sitting with negative emotions is a good thing. Yes, you can take that too far just like you can take any behavior to an extreme, which is where the continual demands to "watch another show" highlight those posters' willful ignorance. We're already watching other shows. Reading other books. Playing other games. Engaging with a huge, diverse variety of art. Those who gain their own enjoyment from targeting strangers online (and isn't that a significant aspect to all this) want to make it sound like RWDE posters haven't touched a single piece of art other than RWBY in ten years and if they just found something they enjoyed without reservations then they'd drop RWBY like a hot potato. But I'm already watching numerous shows that I love unconditionally and have nothing substantial to critique; shows that have me internally kicking my feet and twirling my hair because they're just sooooooo good. I have that! RWBY is a different experience. It scratches a very specific itch of "I once adored this thing and now it's disappointing, but I want to see it through to its end and unpacking the ways in which it fails is a fascinating, cathartic mental exercise." I can't get that from anything else—not right now, anyway—so why would I want to give up this unique experience to fill my time solely with art that only makes me feel Generically Good? Art I have little to say about because it already feels #perfect to my mind? Sure, I could analyze a show's positives and sing its praises (which I often do), but at a certain point you run of out ways to say, "I like it." There's a reason why transformative fandom is built around the gaps in media: missing scenes, plot holes, retcons, failures, missed opportunities, horrible disappointments. Transformation comes more easily when you're already inclined to change the canon in the first place.

Idk, I feel like there's also an element of purity culture here where there's this push to make people think they must only engage with art that aligns precisely with their moral stance, produces only positive emotions, and invites nothing but praise. If the art makes you feel bad in any way than it is bad and you have a duty to remove yourself from it post-haste just ignore that we wanted you gone the whole time. Frankly, I think we humans can handle a bit more complexity than that? Obviously, as said, you wouldn't want to make Art You're Upset With the be-all and end-all of your media engagement, and this certainly isn't a call for anyone to engage with triggers unless they're inclined to do so, but a story you're primarily here to critique, or—yes—even a bit of hate watching can be "fun" in a non-traditionally fun away. Just because the art hasn't made you grin and pump your fist in triumphant doesn't mean it's not worth interacting with as art.

[fimproda]

For those of you miserable that didn’t like Chot? Too bad you all shouldn’t have invested so much into headcanons and secondary characters 😂

And here we go.

I'm so, so bummed out that I didn't finish writing my review of that clusterfuck of a book, as that would've been a comprehensive comment listing all the reasons why ChoT sucked — as in, it was objectively a bad book and I didn't hate it just because, as you put it, I "invested so much into headcanons and secondary characters".

I did write part of that review, though; you can find it scrolling down on my profile, I added it to a reblog. So I'm not going to repeat here what I wrote there.

But I'll say this: do not make the same mistake as Clare and insult my intelligence as a reader.

I don't just read books as a form of escapism: I also read them critically, especially because I like to think of myself as a writer and would love to write outside of Wattpad and AO3 one day. When it comes to books, for me, there's a subjective aspect and an objective one. I don't expect any headcanons of mine to filter out of the subjective and into the objective, much less become reality. God forbid my own interpretation of the plot and characters does the same. So, no, I didn't "invest so much into headcanons and secondary characters", and if I did, it was confined to my mind and/or my conversations with @zoyalannister and our fanfictions. None of that, none, has ever bled out onto the pages of ChoT as I was reading it.

I was as close to a blank slate as I could get when I started reading ChoT. And yes, while I did get angry at Christopher's death, it's been almost a year since then and my anger has tapered out. You know what didn't taper out, though? My annoyance at the terrible plot development and character arcs. My bewilderment at the fact that so many Chekhov guns did not fire.

I'm human: I'm subjected to emotion as much as you are, as we all are. But I fancy myself as a pretty level-headed person, all things considered. I know how to de-escalate myself. I know how to wind down, take a deep breath, and analyze the situation under a critical lens. A year later, ChoT still doesn't measure up. Still doesn't work. Still sucks, on both a subjective and an objective level.

As a counterpoint, I've recently finished reading House of Flame and Shadow by Sarah J. Maas. I loved it. 10/10. Two days later, I'm starting to see some flaws. I have no doubt that I'm going to find even more as time goes on and my initial excitement dies down.

And I did have a load of theories and headcanons for HoFaS — as did most of the fandom, to be honest. Yes, some fans are angry because their theories have not been confirmed, but this is because they had been expecting ACoTaR 6, not Crescent City 3. There's a difference between an expectation born from logic and one born from air.

See? It works the other way around, as well.

So, I hope you'll see this as a teachable moment. You are clearly looking for someone who takes their time to explain to you what was wrong with ChoT, since you wrote an ask to @theultrawave on this same topic, too — or, well, someone anonymous did, so I can't be sure. I'm afraid I can't tell you more than this; if you want to read more reasons, take a look at that half-review I mentioned earlier.

And don't let the time you spent writing your asks and reading our replies go to waste.

[mylittlesecrethaven]

But How Did It Get A Show So Fast?

Seriously though, Fourth Wing got a show waaayyy too fast.

For context, Fourth Wing came out on May 2, 2023.

Iron Flame came out on October 31st, 2023.

(Which, the books being released so close together is already astounding, making me wonder if Yarros already planned a second book or if she just rushed it. (The rushed idea would be weak though, given how big the book is, even if the plotline was extremely basic))

And the earliest article I could find is from Her Campus, published on November 16, 2023, talking about an earlier post from Variety (which I couldn't find) that talks about the book becoming a movie.

Also, as I read on the article, the entire book series was already being auctioned off to production companies before the first book was even released.

It's insane how this series has gotten so much popularity.

(I'm gonna go on an opinion rant below the cut, so read at your own discretion. And don't say shit unless it's constructive.)

Holy shit there's 3 more books on the way?

Why?

Just make it a trilogy and be done my god.

Just tie up the lose ends with Xaden becoming a Venin, fix the statue, figure out the entire corrupted kingdom thing, fix it, then have a few more sex scenes cause those seem important for some reason. (And I guess fix shit with Dain?)

Y'know what's stupid?

I found this book in the fantasy section.

Not the fantasy-romance section. (which is a nice thing to have in libraries)

And for those places that don't have fantasy-romance sections, I've read plenty of fantasy world books that have romance in them in the fucking romance section.

I FOUND A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES IN THE ROMANCE SECTION ONCE! (it was 1 library, but still)

The reason I read this series is that I've become invested. I found the first book and got the second as a gift. And the reason I don't read book in order anymore is to stop myself from becoming invested but here I fucking am I guess.

Look, the series is ok. I wouldn't read a shit book. But it's just so..... basic....

The plot points are predictable, there are several parts where it just doesn't make sense to include them or you can't understand what's really going on, and so many characters we're suppose to care about haven't been fleshed out enough to even glance at!

The romance was predictable as well. (I will say, the dragon sex leading to horny feelings was not expected though. Made me a little uncomfy, but it's whatev I guess.)

Also, and this might just be me, but people falling in love because they are being forced to have to keep tabs on each other or be close to each other or make sure the other doesn't die is just not a fun trope for me. It just makes me feel like the feelings are forced, and I don't like that. (I yet again bring up the horny dragons, cause like.... ew)

I guess the sex scenes are well written. It's strange that they take up so many pages, but if I'm in a mood, I get a well written scene I guess. (Although, I do like the writing of A Court of Mist and Fury on sex scenes because they aren't super long but they have plenty of detail. (I haven't read any of the other books in that series, so idk how the scenes are in those.))

*sigh*

It's an ok book.

And if you like it you like it.

I won't hate you for that.

But I'm gonna hate the book.

Because while it does have dragons

And fight scenes.

It's a fucking fantasy-romance, not a fantasy book.

And it can be done in 3 books.

And the series is probably gonna flop. (just an honest opinion)

Now, I've used all my energy making a rant nobody is gonna read, I'm gonna go sleep cause college stresses me out.

Have a good day.

And have a fun time reading.

[odisparo-writes]

Writer News

I've been writing all this time nonstop. Well, actually, revising/restructuring--I have a full book that I'm whipping into release-ready state. Of course, I'm indie, so I'm doing it all on my own, from cover to finished ebook. I invested in some programs to help me with editing and that's what's been taking all my time.

The project isn't a huge one, but I'm pretty excited about it. I've shared the first book of Native Blood (now called Harvest Night) many times over the years, and each time it finds its readers who enjoy the dark and intense journey within. This time around, I think readers will be a mix of old and new. I hope this tale continues to entertain lovers of 18+ horror.

I've hit 154,000 words, and have about 18 chapters to go. Yes, that's quite a lot. It's a big book. Not intentional, hence why this is going to live as an indie passion project, though I'll be tagging it with an ISBN to draw my line in the sand as an author.

Although at the end of this I'll be cutting as many words as possible, but I've found readers that enjoy the story have no problem reading all those words. The reason I haven't dropped the project is because I wrote a Book 2, and that one seemed to be even better liked. I have some other titles too that found their readers, so I keep writing, and now I'm releasing it so anyone can read my stuff at any time.

I'm also returning to create stuff expressly to send to publishers. With all this work I'm doing backstage (I'm really beating myself up), I'd love to connect with the right publication or publisher.

Synopsis of my current pride and joy:

NATIVE BLOOD: HARVEST NIGHT [Book One] Rated R: Violence, Sexuality, Mature or Disturbing Themes Genres: Horror, Scifi-Fantasy, Drama, Supernatural (Vampire/Zombie/Cosmic) Themes: War, Love, Friendship, Family, Identity, Technology

Elias Pendergast, leader of a company of hunters on an alien planet, discovers signs of a dangerous attack the same night his teenage brother attends an illegal underground party.

Other Notes: This book follows 3 distinct POV characters--Elias Pendergast, president of Silatem; Adam Pendergast, his teenage brother and graduating senior; and Talitha Morai, a native orphan who was brought into human society through a Pendergast charity foundation. Elias and Adam are estranged and both affected by their father's execution by a native warleader. Talitha lives among humans and is struggling with hostile attitudes for her bloodline, though the Pendergasts are one of many entities that attempt to broker peace between natives and humans. The occupation of "Hunter" exists because although natives and humans can breed, the volatility of the mix sometimes sparks rabidity. I'll also mention the natives are immortal blood drinkers and this is their planet, so they love the sun. It's part of who they are and their native beliefs. The bite's an open hobby/therapy/fetish(all the above) between humans and natives, but that also can spark rabidity. Hunters are quite busy worldwide. My humans are from our Earth, though farther in the future, and yeah, my natives know about our vampire stories. :) The plotline I've written above is exactly what to expect the book to be about, but I explore the bigger story around it too. That's why it's on the longer side, so it's great for readers that like character and world development alongside the plot. My writer tag line's always, "Long Dark Tales For Long Dark Night." That's what Native Blood, and my other stories, are--only Rated R and I'm not kidding, if you're more affected, it can be scary or upsetting.

If my premise stokes questions in you, it's likely I've thought about it and have/will address it. My humans can't get off this planet and don't know why, they have no idea why their civilization crashed there, and they want to go home--but after 1000 years, they've become quite comingled.

I do know where they are, why they're there, and if they can go home. That's the plotline of the series. But first, let's start with Harvest Night. It's a standalone book, so you never have to read past the first to get a full story, but if you want to proceed...the first book is directly tied to what happens later.

That's what I'm doing right now. I hope by the end of August I'll have a full draft ready to cut to final length. (This story is inspired by so many things, both ficitional and not. No matter what else you see or how pretty/neat/funny it seems, don't be distracted--I write horror. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #216

What is the last song that you had on repeat? Uh I feel like it was "Blind and Frozen" by Beast In Black.

Do you believe that one day the sun will burn out? ... No shit? This is scientific fact? Like it's not gonna happen in my lifetime, but it WILL happen.

What’s your homepage when you bring up the internet? Just Google.

Have you ever cracked your phone screen before? I haven't, actually.

Do you like Train’s music? I do. They write some of my all-time favorite love songs.

Have you ever seen the movie High School Musical? Yes. My younger sister (who I shared a room with) was particularly obsessed with it.

Are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day? I am, but I'm also not looking forward to trying multiple on and possibly being picky. I can't imagine myself being one of those people that tries on dozens and dozens, though.

Does it bother you when an artist remake a song that one has previously done? Not at all. I like plenty of covers, especially if I enjoy the original song.

How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Guesstimate? Actual sex, zero. For reasons that are sometimes very hard to deal with.

Can people read your facial expressions easily? If so, why is this? Yes, because I'm very bad at hiding my feelings on my face.

When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? I can't remember. We get plenty of tornado watches this time of year, but warnings are rarer.

Does it scare you when the sky gets really cloudy and dark during the day? Yes, because I'm terrified of the potential of tornadoes. Thunderstorms themselves don't scare me, it's just the fact that they can spawn tornadoes.

Have you ever ran from the police? No.

Have you ever watched The Walking Dead? I haven't.

Do you like horses? I do.

Snakes? I love snakes.

Cats? I sure do.

Have you ever driven an electric car? No.

Have you ever eaten moussaka? I don't even know what that is.

What breed was the last dog you saw? Chihuahua.

Do you ever fact-check the things you read on the internet? Not everything, I don't regularly care enough about what I might randomly read, but especially if it's a topic I'm invested in, I certainly will.

Have you ever had a parrot sit on your shoulder? No.

What was the last caffeinated drink you had? Mountain Dew.

With a fried egg, do you prefer the yolk runny or set? I won't eat a fried egg because I cannot stand yolk like that.

Have you ever planned a wedding? Not really. I mean sure, I have plans for my own, but we're definitely not at the "real" planning stage yet.

Do you have any pimples right now? No.

Have you ever painted a rock? I don't think so.

Do you ever shop at Aldi? Do you even have one nearby? There's one very near here, and Mom goes there rarely. She loves the prices there compared to elsewhere, Walmart is just easier for us.

What are some of your favourite snacks? Right now I'm in an insane pickle episode. In general though, I love chips, or Cheez-its. Small candies that come in packages like peach rings or Skittles I also like a lot. We don't tend to keep snacks like that in the house though, so I'm more likely to have something like a cashew bar or Special K blueberry snack bar... thingy.

What has been the best thing to happen to you in the past year? Honestly, becoming more aware of and better understanding my autism. I've come to accept myself much more, instead of just thinking I'm fucking weird with stupid quirks that could never make sense to anyone else. I still want an official diagnosis, but I firmly believe I don't need it, at least for myself.

Are you prone to jealousy? Nope. It's happened, but I definitely don't experience it much.

How did you get through the lowest point in your life? Look, to be totally real with you, I was too afraid to actually kill myself. I had no other choice but to just ride it out.

Have you ever been someone's first love? I suppose possibly Sara, but idk. She dated people before me, but I don't remember her ever mentioning truly loving somebody.

How old were you when you got your first gaming console, and what kind was it? The OG PlayStation. Idk how old I was, I think we had it when I was born.

What is your favorite food to put gravy on? I hate gravy.

Do you know anyone from Canada? Yes.

What's your opinion on astrology? It's dumb as hell and for insanely gullible people that generally don't want to take responsibility for their own flaws.

Do you use TikTok? No.

Do you ever get super bad buzzing in your ears? Not really, no. I've had rare instances of minor ringing, but nothing severe, for which I'm very thankful.

Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug-related crash? I do. She lost her best friend, who was in the car with her, because of it. They were both high, or possibly drunk, one or the other. It took years upon years upon years until she seemed okay again.

Did you celebrate Father's Day? No. I sent him a message and was happy to hear he hadn't touched a cigarette in two days, but that was all. We've usually gone out to lunch, but my sisters never mentioned it this year.

Do you hate how being bisexual is like a trend? It's not a trend, shut the fuck up.

Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, this would be insanely uncomfortable for me.

Do you have a good relationship with your first love? We don't have a relationship, period.

What is something you’re currently nervous about? This weekend. I'm going to my first Pride event ever but it's supposed to be scorchingly hot and I have hyperhidrosis.

Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? I always am.

Are you experiencing problems within a current relationship? No.

Do you find that caffeinated or alcoholic drinks make you pee more than normal? Water makes me pee more than anything else. I don't drink alcohol enough to have noticed for that, but there are sometimes where if I drink a soda, I have to go to the bathroom pretty quickly.

Do you still enjoy watching Disney movies? I sure do.

What are some interests you have in common with your parents? My mom likes writing, even if she doesn't really do it. When she was younger, she also enjoyed drawing, but that's another thing she doesn't do anymore. I *enjoy* fishing like my dad, even though I don't think fishing for fun is moral.

How old were you when your parents trusted you to stay home alone all day? I don't remember.

Do you drink more or less water than is recommended? Technically still less, I'm sure. I think the very vast majority of people don't drink the amount that is technically advised.

Do you go on vacation with your family a lot? Where was the last place you went? We never go on vacations. At least, Mom doesn't, and I live with/under her. We can't afford to.

What do your parents think about piercings and tattoos? Do you agree with them? My mom doesn't care. She doesn't LIKE all piercings or tattoos, but she has nothing against them in general. I'm like my mom in that respect, but I'm even more open and accepting of them. My dad doesn't seem too bothered by piercings, he was never against me getting any, but he was shocked and nervous when he found out about me getting a tattoo. Mine don't seem to bother him though.

What are your religious beliefs? Are these the same as your parents’? I am an atheist, but sometimes with some agnostic-leaning wonderings. Both my parents are Christians, which I am definitely not.

Do you remember The Land Before Time movies? Who was your favorite character? I do, but I think I only saw the first two, maybe three. I know I loved them, though. I don't remember my favorite character as a child, maybe Littlefoot.

What’s your favorite genre of book to read? Animal fantasy.

Are you one of those people who texts back instantly? Almost always.

What’s your favourite place to get pizza from? Domino's.

Think of the last verbal argument you were in; what caused it? My mom having main character in life syndrome and refusing to even entertain the possibility of her ever, ever being wrong. I had to blow the fuck up to Girt, she and I have butted heads a lot lately and I finally snapped in half. I hadn't been that angry in god knows how long.

Does your refrigerator have one door or two? Two, side-by-side. Left is the freezer, right is the fridge.

Do you smoosh bugs, or just let ‘em go? I tend to ignore them, but if it's a spider, I will try to take it outside so Mom doesn't kill it. I never kill bugs, unless it's like, an ant in the house. Absolutely never, ever outside.

Would you ever kiss someone with facial hair? I've done this plenty and would keep doing it. Sometimes Girt has stubble anyway and it doesn't bother me at all.

Have you ever drooled in public? I feel like I have a little bit at least once while sleeping in the college library.

Have you ever been bitten by a dog? No.

Would you ever shave your head? No, not me personally. Female-presenting individuals can look amazing with no (or very little) hair, but it's definitely not for me.

Would you ever meet someone you met online? I've done this before and want to meet at least Mazzy and Tez. Shaz would be amazing, too, as well as Sam and his wife.

Where do you wanna live when you grow up? The more mountainous area of NC. Blue Ridge Mountains would be the absolute dream.

Would you get married if you could right now? I'd get engaged. I'd like to lose weight before my wedding... but by now idk if it's ever gonna fuckin' happen.

What color are your eyes? Grayish blue.

Who was your first good kiss with? Jason was my first kiss and he was perfectly fine at kissing.

Would you kiss this person again? If I actually loved him again, yes, but I will never let myself have that kind of relationship with him ever again.

Who was your hottest bf/gf besides the one you have now? Jason.

How often do you drink water? A lot a day, I don't actually track it.

Name something that is on your bedroom wall? Above my bed and framing some plant art I have up is a branching string of circular lights that's meant to look like a vine or something. I only really turn the lights on if I'm reading in bed, but it's super cozy.

If you could paint your walls any color what would it be? Because I'm going for a nature theme in there right now, I'd probably go for a light green.

What are you drinking right now? Raspberry lemonade-flavored water.

What does your phone case look like? I don't have a case. I'd like one, but that's not something I can just casually afford to buy and it's certainly not important enough to be on my gift wishlist.

What do you take the most pictures of? My cat, lol.

If you could be a professional in any sport what would it be? Dance.

When was the last time you made dinner? Tonight; Mom was too tired to cook. I just put popcorn shrimp in the air fryer.

Who do you want to be buried next to? I'd prefer to be cremated and have my ashes spread than be buried.

Do you have any hickeys on you? No.

Who did you last share a bed with? Girt.

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? As of this year, yes.

What are you listening to right now? I'm watching some of John Wolfe's Baldur's Gate 3 LP. I'm not very far from being done, I just ventured into watching other stuff for a while.

Do you get blizzards where you live? No.

What’s something you prefer to keep private? Sexual information/past.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Handmaid's Tale.

Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No.

Have you ever saved someone’s life? She says so, but more than anything it was me coincidentally sending a message at the right time.

[evilichu]

it's been a really long time since the last time i posted anything on this blog. like, really long. 2023 i think. maybe i should do an update but i have other things in my mind right now and i need to write them down just to clear my head.

topics -- self esteem issues, my relationship, college.

self esteem issues: i have let myself go. i don't even know what to say other than that. i'm very aware that i have a troubled relationship with food and weight in general, but it's been hitting me really hard lately; not because i've been restricting but the opposite. since i'm stressed i look for comfort in food and i can feel my belly growing bigger and my clothes feeling smaller. i'm getting so much fatter and i can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore. it's so fucking disgusting. but i can't stop eating, it's all i ever do. it's just so comforting, until i'm done eating and the realizations sets in and i wanna die. it's affecting my social anxiety as well, since i feel disgusting and look disgusting i obviously don't want anyone to see how bad i look. anytime i'm out i'm sure everyone can tell that i look a lot fatter than i used to and that i'm disgusting. i don't even wanna weigh myself in fear of the numbers that it might show me. god. anyway. that's topic one.

my relationship: my ex and i got back together. maybe some day i'll make a whole post about it but for now that's it. my attachment issues have resurrected because of it. i don't wanna blame the relationship in itself, but i did feel a shift in my mental health as soon as we went back together. we've been together almost a month now and things changed rather quickly. as time goes on he is getting more and more used to being with me and he's becoming less romantic. i'm aware that relationships lowkey work like that, you get used to the person but it doesn't mean you love them less. but i'm not like that at all, i think. i think about him all the fucking time even after a month and i wanna tell him i love him all the time and how pretty he is and all of that, and the only thing stopping me is that i think it would annoy him. i feel like it's unfair in some way, he started being so sweet and attentive with me and making me feel loved just to drop the act in like two weeks and now i can't even complain cuz he is "too busy". weren't you "too busy" two weeks ago too? it's not like you got a new job or promotion, you're doing the same thing but two weeks ago you'd take a minute to text me how much you miss me and now you simply don't. AND I KNOW! I KNOW THIS IS SUCH A NON-ISSUE! but that's what i mean, the attachment issues. if i wasn't so emotionally invested in every single little thing, if my entire mood didn't depend on three words written in a message app, then i would be absolutely fine. but i care, i care so fucking much and i feel so abandoned all the time. and i've been crying so much. and i'm putting too much pressure on him and i can't stop thinking that he's gonna dump me any day now. which, fair enough, but I CANNOT STOP. ugh.

college: i'm in college now and i'm a failure. i had never expected to be this bad at studying and it's affecting my pride so much. i can't focus for shit and i procrastinate so much it's embarrassing. i don't even know why i thought i could do this. i have my first real exam tomorrow and i am not ready at all and i can't study. i don't know what am i going to do. it's crazy.

i've been so angry at myself for all of these reasons that i am genuinely thinking of cutting again. i just can't take it. i don't wanna disappoint anyone, least of all my therapist (the only person i wouldn't be able to lie to) but i don't know what to do. i am so fucking angry that i can't do anything right and i'm fucking my own life up: my weight, my relationship, my career, i can't do it right. i feel like i do deserve the punishment.

but you know, that's my mental health for you.

[mandakillam]

Grand Pooh-Bah

Who would have thought I'd find myself writing on Tumblr, accompanied by a glass of Passion Fruit syrup, at 1:35 AM, after a century since the last time I posted something here?

Yep, I can't sleep, even though I've been feeling drowsy since 9 PM. And for the past four hours or so, I've been craving Passion Fruit syrup. I thought it was just a fleeting desire, one that would soon be forgotten.. But as the day turns, the craving remains, despite having drunk mineral water yang ada manis-manisnya.

Being the scientifically curious type that I am, I Googled, "Late night sweet cravings why", and found that the top four reasons people crave sweets in the middle of the night include hunger, lack of sleep, insufficient nutrition, stress, or all of the above.

And yes, as usual, I'm worried, scared...

I'm the type of person who watches YouTube videos at double speed to avoid the fluff. Many say that by doing so, I don't truly enjoy what I'm watching... I strongly disagree—I thoroughly enjoy what I watch, but at the same time, I don't want to waste too much time. The extra time saved can be used to watch another episode or engage in other activities.

That's how I approach life. I know that every life ends in death, so that's definitely not what I mean in living life—what I want is like that trending sound on Instagram and TikTok, can we skip to the good part?

Unable to skip to the good part, I end up with just the 🎶 "AAAAA.. AAAA AAAA AAAA~" 🎶 instead.

One of few things that cause my GERD is, being a director at this age isn't as glamorous as most people think. Directors don't live off salaries but shares, and I'm not just supporting myself—I have to split my savings between expenses and investments, without support from anyone.

"'til when would you work for others? That's stupid," said my best friend. Well, he has a point... But let's face it: working for others lets me dine at the Meatguy Steakhouse every day.

That's what makes me weigh up—should I strive and grow for my own sake, or return to being a corporate slave and just live off a stagnant salary every month?

As I navigate through the challenges of being a director I can't help but constantly wondering, "Can I skip all this and see what I'd be like if I chose this path?"

Adding to this reflection, becoming the youngest member of the Board at just 26, with the second youngest born in 1972, presented a unique set of challenges and experiences. The age difference represented a gap in perspectives, working styles, and technological adaptability. Working with colleagues significantly older than me meant navigating a landscape where traditional methods of business and communication often took precedence. While my peers might rely on formal meetings and formal letters, I leaned towards emails and Google Meet for swift decision-making.

Being the youngest in such a setting also highlighted the importance of mutual respect and learning. It was about bridging the gap, finding common ground, and leveraging the unique strengths each person brought to the table. The experience taught me the value of diversity in age and thought, proving that when different perspectives converge, the potential for innovation and growth is boundless.

But anyway, so yeah, perhaps that's why I'm anxious. I feel like a rabbit or a miner, not knowing if I should keep digging for THE carrot or the diamond, questioning if this journey is worth my time and the hassle, far beyond what being a corporate slave demands, in my case.

(source: iStock)

My stress levels have peaked to such an extent that I even checked my horoscope, which amusingly dubbed me a "grand pooh-bah."

...I didn't know what that means at first I thought you mean Pooh Bear?

I believe that God will never put me in this situation for no reason. After everything I've endured in life, I know I can do this because I MUST do this perfectly. I'm committed to doing everything within my power to enhance my skills and push myself beyond my limits, insya Allah. However, as a human, I still often find myself exasperatedly thinking... It's 2:37 A.M, please oh please my dear Universe,

Can we just skip to the good part?

[saranghanuuu]

The evolution of San's love confession y'all and Deok Im's face every time♥︎

The Red Sleeve - an actual bittersweet historical romance retold as a novel and a drama.

I've a lot to say about this drama, really. However, after I watched the last two episodes, my mind went blank as much as how my heart felt empty. I'm still barely coping up but trying my best to, 'coz as a viewer, we have to move on and don't let the show hole consume us.

Before The Red Sleeve came, I was in a major Kdrama slump — none of the ongoing Kdramas sparked my interest. Nothing grew on me, even the highly-rated and highly-recommended Kdramas. My case is so bad that I turned to Cdramas for most of my 2021. But all thanks to my ultimate bias Wheein (MAMAMOO) for she introduced me to this gem. She sang one of the earlier OSTs of this drama and posted on her IG stories that she's watching it. I'm a bit curious, yet my heart was actually into supporting the drama she lent her voice to. I then decided to watch because of that very (shallow) reason. Best decision, because 7 episodes after, I fell. It was a hard fall.

Story - 10/10

Yes, I'm giving the story a perfect 10. Why? Because this went down in actual history. It's not like we can change it, or it'll be a good idea to majorly distort it. We just watch how the drama will retell that story to us. Of course, it was fictionalized for the drama's sake to cater to the audiences, but what are the chances for those things to happen in real life - being loved by a King to the point of waiting for your acceptance for 15 years even after rejecting him a couple of times, especially during that time? I cannot even imagine. I even read somewhere that rejecting the King at that time is a grave sin punishable by death. So knowing that the gist of the story actually happened, the journey of watching this drama became even more special to me. I got invested to the point of delving into the Korean historical accounts about King Jeongjo and Royal Noble Consort Seong Uibin. I watched the drama sympathizing on how the two must have felt in the past. I read the heartbreaking epitaph King Jeongjo wrote for Uibin while pondering what if she accepted him sooner. Becoming aware that all these possibly transpired in reality prepared my heart to accept whichever way the drama will end. But thankfully, the production team must've understood our woes and consoled us with a fairly sweet ending.

Acting/Cast - 10/10

Don't even get me started with this one. The word excellent for me is an understatement. All of the casts brilliantly gave life to their characters as if they were their own. But for the sake of writing, I would like to specially mention our main leads Lee Junho and Lee Seyoung here. Junho has always been incredible to me ever since I watched him in Good Manager. I thought back then that it's a good decision that he transitioned into acting. That stays true up to this day. Had he never took this path, we won't be able to see how good of an actor he is. As for Lee Seyoung, honestly, this is the first time I properly watched a drama of hers. I remembered watching Hit The Top before, but dropped it halfway through 'coz I'm not feeling it. I never knew she's this kind of an actress. She's phenomenal! How come she gives the right emotion to every scene? She cries real tears at the perfect timing. Her eyes speak so much that you can easily discern what's on her character's mind, even without uttering a single word. I suddenly remembered Kim Go Eun. Her eye expressions are very good too. I guess this is the kind of acting prowess you'll earn after 20+ years of experience.

I know both Junho and Seyoung were not originally casted for their roles, and I apologize for saying this - I can't think of another San and Deok Im if not them. Their chemistry is just so awesome both on and off cam. They got me tensed while watching the actual drama scenes, but made me giggle a lot from watching their BTS (and I always make sure to watch their BTS because they are truly a comedic duo). Their acting is in sync once the camera rolls despite being playful behind the scenes. Their duality! No doubt, they deserved the Best Couple and Top Excellence awards they received from the 2021 MBC Drama Awards. Both of them deserve a Daesang too.

Music - 10/10

Why won't it be 10; this is what got me into this drama in the first place haha! But aside from the OST sang by Wheein, I also especially love Starlight Heart by BEN. The melody of that song makes my heart flutter everytime I listen to it. The other soundtracks are remarkable too and blended well with the scenes in the drama. They'll make you feel wrecked or in love as how you're supposed to be.

Rewatch value - 10/10

I gave this a 10 because I was drawn to rewatch the drama multiple times after I finished the last episode. But my rewatch is just limited to the funny and romantic ones. I choose to instill their happy moments in my memory instead of destroying myself over and over again from the angsty scenes you know ㅋㅋㅋ

Overall rating - 10/10

I rarely rate a drama a 10, but what can I do? This is a perfect drama for me. I am aware that this feeling of longingness and attachment towards this drama will soon fade away. It will only take another good drama for me to let this go. Sooner or later, I'll get over the fact that this drama was once my favorite. But one thing's for sure - this drama is the kind I would highly suggest to my friends should they ask me for a sageuk recommendation. This drama will remain special in my heart. This drama will be remembered by me for a long time.

And oh by the way, I'm officially sending off this drama through this 2 FMVs I've made. Care to watch? 😊

[sirthisisa-wendys]

I dunno if ur taking any benkei requests along with your original series (feel free to ignore if not) but I think Benkei has become my comfort character.... my request is for nsfw where his s/o struggles with body dysmorphia due to a skin condition (or you can keep it ambiguous) and feels they can't have sex with him because their body is too disgusting. It would be so nice to have Benkei being so sweet and patient and trying things out in the bedroom, and reminding their s/o that they're safe and that they're attracted to them.... Sorry I know this is very specific lol, but the way you write Benkei has me wishing on nights when I feel particularly horrible about myself and just want someone to tell me I deserve to be loved 🥺

Hidden: Keizo Arashi x Fem!Reader

wc: 876

tw: NSFW

masterlist

song recommendation:

You love the deep kisses exchanged with your boyfriend on late nights.

The couch is your place of refuge, where you find yourself - big sweater, baggy sweatpants, unsure - wrapped up in Keizo with his tight shirts, jeans, confident swagger.

The two of you don't really say anything in these moments except for whispered "I love you"s and "please". (You say more of the latter, of course). Though, many times, you find yourself wondering what you're saying "please" for. You've never gotten past the heavy petting stage.

Keizo cradles your head with one hand, brushing his fingers across the nape of your neck as he holds you close enough to breathe the same air you're exhaling.

"I want you tonight," he exhales. You inhale sharply.

"I--" The sound of the TV on in the background doesn't distract you, but the rapid beating of your own heart takes you out of your body for a moment. "I don't know." Keizo nods, understanding your words to mean "no".

"Any particular reason why? You don't have to explain, of course," he amends, stroking the back of your neck thoughtfully. "You can always leave it at 'no'."

"It's just..." You've waited a long time to say these words, but it never felt right. Telling him your secret never felt like a pertinent thing until now, when what you both want is aligned, but what you'll let yourself have is not. "My skin. It's not... I look gross."

Keizo's brows furrow, then he tilts his head.

"Gross? Who told you that?" His voice is calm, but you can feel the blood pumping a little faster in his chest.

"No one," you reply quickly. "I just know that's how I look." A gentle smile crosses the man's face, and for a second, you wonder if he's gone mad.

"I disagree wholeheartedly," he replies. "You're not gross. And I've seen you naked, babe."

"When?" you gasp, and Keizo's eyes widen. He slipped up.

"You were taking a shower after the rainstorm last Friday, and I don't think you saw me accidentally walk in on you." You look away, unsure of how to respond. "B-but I left as soon as I realized my mistake. Trust me." A thumb courses across your cheek. "I think you're beautiful. And besides, we don't have to have sex with the lights on, if you're uncomfortable with that. You can keep your shirt on, we could invest in crotchless panties, there are endless--" He's cut off by your lips pressing against his, just once.

"We can do any of that," you repeat.

"I just want you to feel safe," he whispers. "So let me know if you want to try it at any point in time. I'll wait for you to be ready."

"Let's try the lights off for now."

Keizo undresses you in the darkness of his bedroom, kissing down your neck and letting his fingers roam across your skin lazily. "So soft," he breathes into your ear. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," you answer, closing your eyes. "It feels good."

"Good." He bends you over the side of the bed, sliding your pants down to your ankles. "Tell me if something doesn't feel good anymore."

Hands rest on your asscheeks while Keizo's tongue dives into your cunt, licking at the juices gathered there.

"And you taste so good."

Your hands grip the bedsheets as he licks at you, and you try your hardest to be in the moment and not think if he's doing this just to pity you. As if Keizo had heard your thoughts, he pulls back, murmuring:

"God damn, that's a pretty pussy. You're so fucking sexy."

You moan, angling your hips back and relishing the feeling of Keizo's tongue and fingers working you so well. Nothing could compare to this moment.

"Please, Keizo," you cry out, feeling your orgasm speed onward as his thick fingers rub at your clit and another one slides into your ass, lubricated by your slippery pussy. "Ah!"

"'S good, isn't it?" Your response is a whine, one that you ride out with your climax as he stimulates you as much as he can. Part of you is sent into overdrive and your legs give out as you're halfway to your next orgasm, stacking the pleasure on top of the other one.

"Fuck!" Your lips part and drool slides down onto the sheets, but you don't give a shit. Keizo is doing what you'd imagined he'd do since forever, it seems.

"Yeah, cum for me. Cum again, pretty girl."

"Oh, big daddy," you gasp, your foot coming down onto the floor as the second orgasm rips through you like a sword and sets you on fire. You clench your asshole around his finger and rock your hips on the circular motions of his other hand on your clit. "K-Keizo!"

You very nearly blackout, eyes rolling to the back of your head while you slump against the bed. Keizo removes his fingers from your body, stepping back to admire the sounds of his handiwork.

"Next time you forget you're absolutely stunning," he mutters, pulling his shirt over his head. "I want you to remember this night. Remember what I said. Because this is how I'll make you feel every time."

[hellomynamiseglaf]

🌰Chestnuts and Warm Milk🍂

My List of ~Favorites~ for Interactive Fiction and Visual Novels

(This is a work in progress so please bear with me)

Interactive Fiction:

The Wayhaven Chronicles (WIP Series in Development) - @seraphinitegames  (Look,,, I’m just... obsessed.. I can’t stop thinking abt it,,, and I'm..... sometimes, I read and I think I feel like I know what love is.)

Mind Blind (WIP) - @mindblindbard (I just,, UGH it’s so good. I can't even say that much because my feelings about it are so potent that everytime I see an update I try to tell myself to leave it alone to play larger portions of updates as a treat and everytime my willpower FAILS and I replay the demo like twice in a row)

Demon: Recollect ; Forsaken (WIP) - both by @bathalafiction (whew...WHEW!!! Are you kidding me?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Look. I was attached to Demon: Recollect. I loved it. And then I played the Forsaken WIP and now I can't get over my absolutely BOMB character design for my player persona. Also it's kind of fun being considered a jerk in the game, because it opens up a lot of different options that I usually feel bad about taking)

Shadow Society - @carawenfiction (the concept is so interesting,, I dream of more. Also Quaiel...baby...)

The Soul Stone War - @intimidatingpuffinstudios (also whew!! I really enjoyed it and the characters all picture themselves really vividly in my mind for some reason.)

Greenwarden (WIP) - @fiddles-ifs (reading this is like thick fog.. but in a good way? I don't know how to describe it without pictures but this IF smells like fog over wet grass)

Divine Intervention (WIP) - @divineinterventiongame (the concept?? UGH SO GOOD. For some reason it's always the first game I click to check for updates)

Golden (WIP) - @milaswriting (😈😈😈😈)

Blood/line (WIP) - @bloodlineoffical (simply put,,, LARRY)

Supernatural in New York ; The Bastard of Camelot (both WIPs) - @llamagirl28  (UGH Both of these are so good in their own ways but equally as exciting to see updates for. I haven't consolidated my feelings much further than "my MC for SiNY is so cute" and "Mordred is a child" but they're all generally positive.)

Ace of Spades (WIP) - @steph-writing (I keep thinking about,,, con........)

Nevermoore (WIP) - @asteristories (AHHHHH.... let me say it again for those in the back: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Son of Satan: The Mortal Coil (WIP) - @sosthemortalcoil (YES.)

Shepherds of Haven (WIP) - @shepherds-of-haven (yes. I just have to sigh because it's very good and I like saying those funny little words of power. But also outside of the game I can only picture this game as a great, grey border collie)

Attollo (WIP) - @attollo (Also a very interesting concept, whoo... I almost forgot how immersive it was untill I played the demo again and was reminded of how 'into it' I was straight off the bat. Also the seperate, short little piece on the blog with Sysba was also really good and I had a dream about it the other day)

Into the Shadows (WIP) - @wynnakang​ (whooo.... I'm sighing again, but louder. I press restart and play the demo again)

A Comedy of Manors (WIP) - @sviyaginthegreat (I kept replaying options that I hadn't chosen before because I wanted there to be more lmao)

Fallen Hero: Rebirth - @fallen-hero (I think there's a sequel coming up? I haven't stopped thinking about this storyline since I finished it omg... the.. the details are really good and I've become ridiculously attached to my tragic villain? Character... she IS the standard for my reusable IF persona, or at least one of my most prominent ones ;-D )

Samurai of Hyuga (WIP series) - (I'm pretty sure multiplechoicestudios.com is the development blog for this game, or at least what I've been checking for updates..... this is a series with four book currently out.... and I've been playing through book 4 at slower than a snail's pace in a desperate attempt to prolong my experience. I really didn't think I was going to like it as much as I did but I got a little too into it and now I'm horribly attached to all the characters)

The Porthecrawl Witness(WIP) - @porthecrawl-witness (I'm pretty sure this is a WIP?? But ugh. SCREEEEEE- it's so good. It's SO GOOD. I really want to punch Talbot in the face. And Asher, if for a different reason. And sort of Staci just to try. Quinn is just a cutie I could never hurt him like that. Ugh but they're all so good and I forgot that I was reading a WIP untill it suddenly was over..... I'mfeeling really aggressive rn as I'm writing this, so please just note that the punch comment is meant as a statement on how interesting the concept and immersiveness of the characters and story is)

Forgotten Names (WIP) - by Alexandra_Zorila on the CoG Forum (turn the volume up. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Look, look. It's..... delicious. It's SO interesting and I obsessively have a tab open on my computer to check for updates)

OFNA: Birds of a Feather (WIP) - @ofna (the vibes are so grey and smoky but the fog is definitely from a party smoke machine and the room is only dark because the walls are taped with those huge sheets of black construction paper that teachers use to cover their bulletin boards with... the game definitely falls in the 'dark and mysterious' genre but something just strikes me as really funny when I play it. Anyway it's good and it's in a lot if recommended lists for a reason. Also I'm very attached to my American Goldfinch)

More Things in Heaven and Earth (WIP) - @morethingsgame (in the same way that it's fun to play Guenevere in the Guenevere game or Mordred in The Bastard of Camelot, playing Ophelia in the sort-of Hamlet story is really fun. If anyone has read the Missing collection- which I absolutely love- by Margaret Peterson Haddix, this gives me similar vibes for some reason. Anyway, I really want to give Hamlet a hug and make him a flower crown or something)

A Tale of Crowns (WIP) - @ataleofcrowns (It's kind of not even funny how much I love this game... It's hard to even describe why I like it, just that it's so well rounded in terms of the story, characters, dialogue, and relationships. It's such an interesting plotline and it's pretty immersive. Also the first time I read the demo, there was an update as I was reading and the high that sent me on has very rarely been matched. Also Dara running to save my Crown in the tunnel?? 🤚😩🤭💓 ugh. UGH!! That's good food for my fool heart)

Scout: An Apocalypse Story (WIP)- @anya-dev (I'm usually not that into apocalypse themes/plots but I really enjoyed this game, and the plot was very good and intruiging... it really pulled me in and I like my character in the story a lot. I don't know why but it tastes like chikuwa, atsuage, and this specific type of carmelized onions that my mom makes sometimes)

Nothing left to burn (WIP)- @clowdee-works (......ouch. I *knew* what was going to happen and I STILL became attached to Drew)

Smoke and Velvet - @roast-ifs (It's good. And I am VEDY much into my character design. Also the story is really interesting, and I enjoy the setting a lot somehow)

Speaker (WIP)- @speakergame (very fun to play, and each update gets me more interested in the aspects of the plot. I also really like the little descriptions of what the characters think of the player)

The Nameless (WIP)- @parkerlyn (interesting plot, I like the characters a lot, and The aesthetics of this world are so interesting. Definitely had a good time visualizing what everything looked like)

Fields of Asphodel (WIP) - @asphodelgame (I think it's really cute so far!!! I like mythology in general, and the persephone/hades dynamic is *mwah!*... I like the way the story progresses in the beginning, and I think it works well in drawing the reader into the world. I also very much enjoy petting large dogs.)

...there are so much more.. and I have followed so many blogs.........

I'm not sure why I can't find it rn but there's this one WIP game that I really like where the MC buys a manor for like dollar and moves to go live there with her best friend and shenanigans ensue as they try to settle in and fix up the estate

Harbringer (WIP) - @harbringercog (....are you KIDDING me?? I was fully planning on just enjoying the demo and keeping a mental note to update the list sometime later,,, but this game... THIS GAME really made me fold. It's very immersive and regardless of how nervous the author claims to be after releasing the demo, it's of my humble opinion that those nerves can be calmed. It's very good. I was planning on procrastinating and reading a little bit and then going back to this essay I need to write, but somehow I got pulled in and ended up reading through the whole demo and it's apparent that I honestly had no chance of getting through this without becoming invested in the plot.... just... so good.. I'm very excited to see how this will progress)

Visual Novels:

Andromeda 6 (WIP) - @andromeda-six​  (I repeat: Obsessed, I come back every few months to see an update and I fall deeper into the hole every time...)

To the Edge of the Sky (WIP,, probably) - by Ajané (??) on Steam (I think, it’s been a while)

Next on my list to check out: Perfumare by pdrrook

Does.... does The Arcana game by Nix Hydra count as VN?? If so, then yes.

Similarly, the FictIF games are all entertaining, although Last Legacy and Heir to Love and Lies are my favorites rn (and.....unfinished....)

I also don't know if this counts, because I kind of consider Otome games to be their own genre, but on the Love 365: find your story by Voltage Inc. There are a bunch of fun stories, my favorite of which are: the Shinichi Kagari route on After School Affairs and the Saejima and Keiichiro routes on Bad Boys do it Better

..To be continued...

[septembersghost]

Hi! Sorry for bringing this up and I hope it's not triggering, I just keep thinking about these words you said: "{…}which has made my only recourse a wide chasm of separation, and that's a loss in its own sense. sometimes i think it's a relief to not allow it to take up as much space in my heart and mind, and other times i feel a stinging anger and deep, persistent grief that it had to come to that point. it's VERY hard to separate from something you love and are invested in that has also become a source of pain". The first time I read them, it made me cry. I sooo know the feeling. A small story again (and sorry for it being too personal), five years ago, when I was struggling with a particularly bad depression episode, Dean was there for me. If it wasn't for him, I know I would've done something very stupid, something… irreversible, but he saved me, single-handedly pulled me from the brink. He used to be my comfort ever since. Spn used to be my comfort. Seasons 13, 14, 15 especially and the finale brought that full-on depression and mental breakdowns back. It sucks and hurts that, as an act of self care and healing, we had to cut ties with the show. And that means, by a certain extent, to detach from Dean too :(( He's not part of the show for me or the part of the narrative, nor has he ever been, but even so, there is a level of distance and the connection I felt before is essentially lost now and things don't quite work the same way. I still love him, he is still my dearest boy, I still have his framed self-made portrait (which I drag with me wherever I go), but it's not what it used to be. There's a kind of detachment to it. I tried to rewatch spn a few months back, but I can't. And I wish I could say that it just was too painful and that's why, but no, what hurts even more is that I couldn't, didn't want to care or be invested anymore. I used to care so much. And now it's just… this hollow emptiness, this indifference. It's like what Mike in BCS said, one moment you're gonna wake up, you're gonna brush your teeth, go to work, and then you'll realize you haven't thought about it at all. One evening last year I realized that I haven't thought about spn for a long, long time. Then I burst into tears because it felt like saying goodbye, really saying goodbye this time, and it hurt, and I didn't want that, but I don't know what else could I have done rather then complete separation. There's a line from a song that stuck with me forever. "I'm writing a book on how to stay conscious when you drown {…}/ I'm writing a chapter on what to do after they dig you up/ On what to do after you grew to hate what you used to love". It's SO indicative of my (former) "relationship" with spn (the whole song is, given that it's unironically called How Not to Drown), and your words reminded me of that . It's just… I understand you and I love you ♥ You're the only person I can safely talk to about those things. I wish I could give you a hug right now :(

never be sorry, darling, and i hope you don't mind me posting this. i have a lot of emotional posts and very personal stories linked to this, so you've come to the right place and are definitely not alone.

Dean was there for me. If it wasn't for him, I know I would've done something very stupid, something… irreversible, but he saved me, single-handedly pulled me from the brink. <- anyone who's been here since the end of 2020 and well into 2021 is probably tired of me discussing this, but...same. dean was with me from the very onset of my illness, and through some very dark times and terrible moments, real traumas and losses and grief. he was one of my closest constants and a talisman of bravery and strength for those fifteen years, and i can pinpoint some specifically difficult moments where he helped me hold on, or gave me a reason to remember i had to. i've discussed this endlessly with other mutuals too, who felt similarly and turned to spn for comfort - it is not, at its core, a comforting story, it's in fact quite often the opposite, something that unearths fears and directly examines wounds, but a lot of us found a home there anyway, even if it was a haunted one. and we found resilience and courage and an unfailingly loving heart. it's not a secret i despise d*bb era overall, but i could never give the show up, because of him. it's also not a secret (considering it's...why this blog exists...) that the finale drove me to some measure of an emotional breakdown which took me quite a while to even begin to recover from, and felt like such a profound loss that it had not only a detrimental mental effect, but a physical one too, in that it actually affected my illness issues for a bit. the fracture i experienced in november 2020 is only comparable to real grief and heartbreak i've experienced, my mom watched me weep that night and has told me how terrible it was for *her*. i've been over and over it in posts, i've been over and over it with friends, but the ache never actually goes away. once that full year had passed, i got the point where i had no choice but to bury it, in a way. to separate from it in order to protect myself. there certainly IS a level of healing and self-care in that, and i KNOW it's healthier than obsessing and crying about it, i know it's better to put it aside, but that in itself has been a hard choice, because it feels a little like letting him down in letting it go.

that means, by a certain extent, to detach from Dean too :(( He's not part of the show for me or the part of the narrative, nor has he ever been, but even so, there is a level of distance and the connection I felt before is essentially lost now and things don't quite work the same way. I still love him, he is still my dearest boy - honestly, did you extract this directly from my brain? it feels like i could've written it, and there definitely is a transcendence he has apart from the narrative, it was one of the first things i tried to assert and cling to, and no one has the place he has to me in that chamber of my heart, but ultimately the detachment still came. i've had people say that's letting d*bb win or giving the ending too much credit, and i did try to defy that for a while, but ultimately that was more damaging. as it stands now, i can't rewatch either - traditionally, i ALWAYS watch the pilot on my birthday, since it's also the show's anniversary. year after year, that was a part of my day, even last year. i planned to do it this year too, and when it came down to it, i just couldn't press play. last year, when i was still rewatching (i got to 11x01 and then...the comment we talked about before happened and it halted me so abruptly and dreadfully in my tracks, and like, fractured something in my head, and i never restarted it), there was an acute and constant pain in it, but it felt essential to keep. after releasing that somewhat, it was chased by those hollows and shadows instead. what hurts even more is that I couldn't, didn't want to care or be invested anymore. I used to care so much. And now it's just… this hollow emptiness, this indifference. this, so much. the indifference is...it isn't necessarily worse than being angered or agonized, but it's still terrible and unsettling. it's a lack of something. love and grief are intertwined, but what do you call it when you only have a rattling emptiness?

it's serendipitous you would send this today, because on the song topic, i was looking for something else altogether on my old-old blog, my very first blog here, and exactly ten years ago, on september 27, 2012, i rewrote the lyrics from "begin again" to be about him. it sounds silly now, red wasn't even out yet, the song was released as a promo single, and it was so beautiful and cathartic, and somehow i connected it to him, and his meaning, and to hopes that i had. being reminded of that today probably should've been more shattering, but instead it just felt...distant and memorialized. thinkin' all love ever does is break, and burn, and end...like the emotions encased themselves in amber. at some point, it became it's time to go - fifteen years, fifteen million tears...that old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in my soul. sometimes it still does creep up on me and knock me back, but more often there's a terrible numbness to it. it felt like saying goodbye, really saying goodbye this time, and it hurt, and I didn't want that, but I don't know what else could I have done rather then complete separation. yeah. the separation is protective, but it's still a real sorrow and a loss. i'm trying to believe someday it will shift, and something warmer and brighter in it will come back to me, but even if it doesn't, i know all the words that i wrote and love that i expressed was true and still has worth and still resides in me, even if i have to keep it differently.

there are reminders of him around me - the journal on my desk, his little plush, etc - and that's meaningful, i'm glad i have them, and i keep him and the valuable parts of the show embedded here on my blog to prevent losing that altogether, but it's like there's a mourning veil around it.

thank you for sharing and feeling safe enough to tell me this, i understand more than i can say and i love you too. i'm hugging you so tightly from afar. 🖤🖤🖤

[transgirl-gaming-thoughts]

My Thoughts On: Emulation

Emulation is something quite prevalent in the world of retro gaming. You'll see lots of people who can relive their childhood by downloading an emulator, and playing the ROM for their favorite old games. While not everyone does, it's undeniable that a noticeable percentage of people do.

I myself have several emulators on my computer. In reality however, I use a very small amount of them regularly, if at all. Why is this? I feel that nothing can replace the feel of the console in my hands, being able to really feel the game because it's on the console it was intended for. There's nothing better than plugging in a cartridge and seeing the screen of your handheld come to life with a game you're excited to play.

However, there are some valid reasons to emulate these consoles instead of owning one.

The biggest reason I've heard, and experienced myself, is money. Whether you like it or not, retro gaming is getting expensive. The Gameboy Advance and Advance SP models have been steadily rising from the $50 mark, towards the $100 mark depending on the condition. For some people, it's just not feasible to shell out big bucks for a console when they only want to play one or two games. Maybe they want to play hundreds of games, but then they have to track down and pay for those cartridges, too. Why do all this when they could just download a free emulator and free ROMs, and play it all right from their laptop? I'm glad options like emulators exist for those who just can't afford to buy consoles and/or cartridges. The retro community shouldn't have any gatekeeping, especially not when it comes to money. While this is a valid issue, and one that should be discussed, a majority of this post is written on emulation as an option, not a necessity, so I won't be writing much more on the rising price of retro gaming.

Another reason I've seen for emulating consoles is homebrew games and ROM hacks. While I'll be writing about both of those in-depth at some point in the future, suffice it to say that these programs aren't always available on original hardware. By nature, they're fanmade content, and thus people don't always have options to play them on their consoles. If the game/hack you want to play has a physical release, you might be able to pick that up, but lots of those games have a limited run, and won't be around forever. Or maybe you payed the high price for a flash cartridge (another topic I'll be covering in the future), and you can play it on the original console. That's all assuming you own the original console! This point overlaps with the last in a lot of ways. If you can't afford a console and/or official games, odds are you probably can't afford a fan release either.

And of course, if you're a streamer or other content creator looking to capture footage, the easiest way to do that is to emulate the game on your computer. Modded consoles and capture cards aren't always available, or cheap, and being able to do it all for free with an emulator is a God-send for some of those creators.

Then there's the aspect of investment. I've seen people who talk about finding it hard to become invested in a game they paid no money for, because all they did was download it. There's no aspect of "I paid for this game, the least I can do is try it", much less a drive to play it to completion. When I look at my game shelf, I see my rows of GBA cartridges, and I take great joy in being able to look at a game and know exactly what save file I have on it, and what I last did, and how much fun I had getting there. I look at my copy of Pokémon LeafGreen and I know I've spent 117 hours on it. 117! I played it first because I felt that I should at least play it for a while since I paid for it, but I quickly fell in love with it, and ever since it's been one my favorite things to play, not to "continue my save file", but to "continue my cartridge". It's a completely different mindset.

I've also talked with people who say that emulators make it too hard to focus on a game. On your computer, there are so many distractions to pull you away from your game, or just detract from the over-all immersion. One cartridge and one console offers a different aspect of dedication; it removes the distractions that might be present from your dozens of windows open on your computer. For me, the ability to open, close, reorganize, download, delete, etc. all the programs on my computer makes it feel too casual, in a sense, and of course, distracting. I love organizing things in different ways, and often I've found that instead of playing games, I just find new ways to reorganize my ROM library and spend 2 or 3 hours moving all the files around.

On the other hand, emulators can make it all too easy to cheat. Some emulators have built-in cheat code libraries for most popular games, hotkeys to put the game into 10x speed, save states, and many other functions. While some are just tools that help enhance the experience or make it more like the original (things like graphics or audio options), many of these tools just make it easy to skip what you don't like, or have difficulty with. I've had people complain to me about certain games, just to find out they used save states to cheat through the beginning, so they weren't prepared for when it got even harder. In these cases, cheating made them dislike the entire game, even though if they had played it honestly, they might have really enjoyed it!

I'm not saying these tools are inherently bad; there are lots of good uses for them! It's mostly about being to have self-control and not abuse these tools. I use save states every time I play the 16-bit Sonic games, just to save my progress and not have to stress about playing it through in one go. However, I have to have some self-control to not abuse those save states, so I only save at the start of an act and at Star Posts. That way, my actual "cheating" is marginalized, and I can enjoy the game without skipping the parts that are hard just because they're hard. Even with the convenience of those saves, these games are by no means easy! It's all the challenge of the original game, just with the modern convenience of saving my progress. Whenever I play an RPG on my emulator, yes I use the turbo speed button, but that's because it cuts down my time wandering around looking for random encounters from 30 seconds to 2. While there is a certain charm to some games where looking for the encounter is part of the thrill of the gameplay, not all games are like that, and sometimes you just need a little burst of speed to get right to the gameplay.

And I'm not immune to any of these points I've mentioned. I used an emulator to play a large library of ROMs, hacks, and homebrews because that's the only way I could. I enjoyed the games, but it was always in the back of my head that I wanted to play them on official hardware. After I played about an hour of Final Fantasy I+II: Dawn of Souls for the Gameboy Advance, I decided I loved the game but couldn't invest the time into it as a ROM. I hunted it down on eBay and I bought myself an original copy. I played it all the way through, and I loved it! Would I have enjoyed it the same way if I had emulated it instead? I think I probably would have. It's fundamentally the same game, and I wouldn't have abused the save states or anything like that. However, there would've always been that thought of "When you eventually buy it on cartridge, you won't have this progress". That's the biggest sticker for me: collecting. I love buying cartridges and playing them on my systems, but when I had to emulate a game, it was always present in my mind that even if I 100% completed the game, I'd have to start over with a cartridge, and I might not be ready for a new playthrough. I decided to take a week-long break while my cartridge shipped and replay the first hour instead of a full 30 hour adventure. Obviously that's just my opinion, but it's one of the biggest reasons I don't emulate. After saving for a while, I was able to buy my own GBA flash cartridge, so I now can play almost all of my ROMs on the original hardware. It's been great to be able to be able to merge the worlds of emulation and original hardware, but it still retains some of those negative aspects of investment, dedication, distraction, etc. Ultimately, I use it to play homebrews and ROM hacks, while also sampling official games I'm considering purchasing. I have a strict rule against downloading any games I own physically, to preserve that uniqueness around the cartridges. But that's just me.

Ultimately, I don't think it's up to us to decide when is or isn't the right time or method to emulate, and it's certainly not up to us to discriminate against those who emulate. In the end, we all love these older games, and we all want to be able to experience them, and share that with each other. Why then, should we feel differently about people who played Pokémon FireRed on the VisualBoyAdvance, instead of the Gameboy Advance? We can all agree Psychic-types are overpowered in a Kanto game, and we can still share the stories we have of journeying with our favorite Pokémon. Let's stop gatekeeping the retro world, for any reason, and start sharing our love of these games with each other freely.

Thanks for taking the time to read my first post! I hope to write more in the future on lots of gaming-related topics, and become a better blogger/writer as I go! For now, have fun, stay hydrated, do what you love, and God bless!

~Alex