#and the only reason i dont kill myself is because im scared of what there is after death

[likeanarrowinthedark]

I actually feel nothing.

[bmpmp3]

and this is old news now but my own perspective on the project sekai miku movie as a mobile game outsider who just likes some of the tunes - all i really hope for is that i'll be able to follow the plot somewhat with my very limited knowledge because it does look like it'll be a fun watch. i know there is like dimensions. the dimensions include: alt rock world. depression world. carnival world? etc. furirn and tomoriru voice characters. i like the trans one in depression world. and the little orange guy in EDM world.

[aychama]

So writing is really really hard and my friend adviced me to just give you guys my ideas instead of writing a big fic for it and Im gonna do that!

And gonna at the little bit of writing I did at the end!

Royal Au Narilamb's first intimate night together

-The kisses to give Lambert the crowns power brings them intimately closer as rime goes by, Lambert tries to initiate it more, make it last longer and Narinder never turns them down or pushes them away.

-Lambert is clearly in love but denies it

-Because of pent of emotions the intimate kissings buil up, Narinder goes to a brothel to wind down instead of risking it with Lambert. He thinks that it's unfair of him to put them in this whole situation in the first place.

-Lambert sees Narinder getting into the brothel and gets extremely jealous and angry about it

-Days pass, Lambert goes back to the land that was given to them to govern and ignores Kings letters

-Narinder visits Lambert in an angry fit, demands the reason why they would ignore a kings letter and threatens that he could send them to jail for it

-They get angry again but they don't have any crown power left in them because they used it too much after seeing Narinder in the brothel so they feel weak

-Narinder kisses them and gives them power only a little bit to keep them up and expects them to explain their situation after feeling better

-He stays in their place? Mansion? -Lambert is not rich idk what to call it, a big place where they govern their land- and later Lambert visits Narinder at night to finally confront him about it

-Lambert confesses that they were jealous and asks him why he would go to a brothel when they were right in front of him. Cornering him on the couch he was sitting in. He says "I thought you didn't enjoy our...times...together. Since you even said it scared you of what would happen if we didn't do it."

So Lambert screams with their face completely red. "Argh are you really going to make me say it?! I'm jealous ok?! You go and sleep with others and I... Do you know how hard it is to keep myself in check while kissing yo-"

-Narinder accepts the invitation. Lambert realises how much Narinder has been holding back as he hungrily kisses them, the two stumble to the guest bed and he rips apart Lambert's top.

-But just before they can fully get into it, the two half naked, someone knocks on the door and tells that Heket is on the move and their plan to take her down needs to start

-Narinder hesitates but after hearing Heket's name, he leaves Lambert

-Plot with heket happens and she dies but Lambert is injured

-Narinder does his best to heal them after they are brought back to his castle, to his room, they share an intimate moment where Narinder traces Lambert's fresh and old scars while healing them and in that intimate, alone moment Lambert asks if they are allowed to continue from where they left off

-and boom. They share a soft, passionate and gentle night together.

SO YEA. Writing all of this would kill me so you guys have to wait for it to be turned into the comic!

Here is what I have written so far. I dont think I will continue but yea! Have at thee!

●

A kiss. It was supposed to be simple.

Lambert just needed to kiss Narinder somewhat often so that the crowns powers inside them wouldn't turn them into a crazy blood thirsty maniac.

When such a thing was on the line, Lambert thought it would be easy. A simple kiss with a King they were active betraying, actively giving out information to his oldest sibling about what he was doing.

To be fair, Narinder was attractive... extremely. To Lambert, at the very least.

And yes their heart fluttered everytime they saw him, everytime he touched them, everytime they stared into his eyes.

Everytime they kissed him. But it didn't mean anything.

The kisses started out simple enough even though it was hard for them to initiate it first because Narinder refused to "force himself" on them due to the nature of their positions. It almost felt like he felt bad about putting them in this situation.

It didn't seem like that when he was constantly sending them out to deadly missions though...

But still, kissing on the lips, although it was to transfer power solely, was an intimate gesture. No body could fault Lambert for accidentaly prolonging it for just a few more second, just a few more pecks.

Aside from the kiss, the power also tasted sweet so it was impossible for them to not seek it out. It wasn't their fault! And it certainly wasn't because they had feelings for him. No way! It was the nature of the kiss, doing something like that with any random person would make you act like this if you did it too much! Lambert was sure.

And it's not like he couldn't stop them either. He could push them away like how he did at the start when he thought they had enough. But as time passed, he stopped doing it. Maybe he didn't care anymore or maybe...

What confused Lambert the most was the anger they were feeling that day. When they saw him walk into a brothel.

They thought,

"Maybe he is here to gather information. Yea, that must be it. Brothels are full of pent up people willing to spill out all of their problems after all."

So they hid and waited outside.

It...took some time...

But when he walked into the balcony, half naked, hair messy with a smoke in his hand, it felt like a punch to the gut. Stronger than any punch they had ever felt.

It was the second time in Lambert's life that they felt this kind of anger. So hot their thoughts melted together. So hard their teeth must have hurt from the pressure.

But this time they knew not to stay and let their anger do something they could never take back again.

So they left.

Walked into a forest and screamed their lungs out.

And they cried.

They were confused. Why were they feeling like this?

They needed to get these feelings out. OUT.

They let excessive amounts of the power they were given out in a burst. It looked like a curse Narinder had shown them once. Crushing force that broke everything around them.

The leaves and dirt of the forest were tossed around in chaos as the rocks and trees were torn to shreads.

Their mind started to clear up when their breathing sounded less like a dying animal.

His lovely unpleasant voice rang in their ear 'You need to learn how to control your anger.'

They broke the rock in front of them into pieces.

.

.

.

When they came back to their King given land, it was Ruri who greeted them.

"L-lambert! What happened to you?!" Was the only thing they listened to. They didn't answer and just let her tend to their wounds.

.

.

.

It had been days since their discovery of Narinder's... whatever it was and their outburst to it.

They decided that tending to their people and their needs was a better use of their time instead of constantly feeling a mixure of intense feelings. They had land they controlled now and people to take care of. Something they weren't really good at.

Thankfully Ratau was here to help them.

"This isn't how you should respond to this request Lambert." Ratau sighed for the fifth time that day and handed back the letter to Lambert.

Lambert grunted.

Ok maybe working wasn't the best idea to get rid of their already existing negative feelings.

---

[f4t-tr4nny]

"do it for him" "do it for the bikini"

I do it so people won't want to hurt me, I do it people want to protect me instead of harm me, i don't it so maybe next time I'm SA'd someone will actually want to stop and help me, I do it so people will believe what he did to me, I do it so people will actually believe I've been groomed, I do it so people will actually want to hold and take care of me, I do this in hopes it will lower the chance.of me being SA'd again, I do it for the hope of being protected and cared about As well as so many other reasons

Im self destructive in hopes that I'll destroy myself so much no body wants me, no body will want to or be able to hurt me if I do it myself

Same for my binge episodes, I hope to make myself so big and disgusting no one will even think about SA'ing me (let me clarify I don't think fat people are ugly or gross, its a trauma response in my brain that only applies to me and not others), i do it because I have moments I'm delusional and scared of getting kidnapped that I feel the need to binge so I have food stored in case I'm tied up and left somewhere

Theres so many reasons I do all of this shit, and none of them is this cute quirky aesthetic because self destruction isn't cute, its disgusting and hell, you dont want this, get help while you can, this will kill me, dont let it kill you

[majorasnightmare]

continuing from my last post about tadpoles and brain damage and disability, and also on that whole "for Development Team reasons the party does not react to dark urge Lore Drops, but im interpreting it as character flaws anyways" dealio

immediately post absolute befuckening its like. the fucking DRAMA

because its a steadily increasing amount of Emergency Crises. like first of all astarion is now subject to vampire rules again and starts burning in the sun, so being the de facto leader dirge obviously rushes to shield him as best he can and drops a darkness cast on top of themselves, except hey. the worm thats been holding your brain together? just dissolved into thin air. fun fact about brain bleeds: it actually starts oozing down your esophagus, and only rarely leaks out from your eyes, and nosebleeds are typically a sinus capillary bursting from stress or irritation. it will on occasion leak from your ears, especially if its alongside a skull fracture (which will leak fluid from your ears first)

so id like to think that even before dirge starts showing symptoms, astarion starts to smell the blood on his breath, and then it just quickly spirals downhill from there as the wound reopens due to not healing properly in the first place. starts trying to find a way to get astarion to safety before trailing off and then gets increasingly heavy on astarion as he struggles to support himself, and it quickly becoming obvious something is Very Wrong. dirges injury not following explicit realism because Bhaalspawn and Drama, so even as it reopens its trying to properly heal, leading to oedema, the inflammation and swelling causing aphasia. so now your stuck about to be burned by the sun as soon as this cast is over, and the partys main crisis solver is now PART of the crisis, and steadily losing the ability to meaningfully communicate and becoming more and more of a dead weight

so now we have TWO crises, and one of them is the guy whos spent the past several months being the Guy Who Plans Our Way Out Of The Crisis. after spending so much time offloading the mental burden of problem solving onto this One Guy Whos Admittedly Pretty Good At It, now we have to handle an exponentially worsening situation. no telepathy cuz the worms are gone, so theres the struggle of trying to communicate whats happening quickly and clearly. no spell slots or resources cuz we just went through a boss rush. wylls all out of warlock juice cuz his pact with mizoras been fulfilled and she dipped. does an abandoned house count as public? run in, claim it, and invite astarion in while you support/drag dirge into the building, whos quickly becoming insensible, and then on top of all that we have to deal with karlachs engine. because anything that can go to shit right now, absolutely will

its like. everything gets offloaded onto him, because he cares and hes capable and hell get it done, so he makes the decisions and he talks to people and haggles with traders and gets them a free inn room and helps all their personal problems and life crises, and everytime he broaches the idea of asking for help for himself, it gets shut down. im having these urges for violence that really scare me, what do i do? its normal its fine it isnt anything to be scared of, everyone experiences this, just focus on killing whats in front of you. and then alfira dies and everyone pulls away, asks whats WRONG with you, and its like. oh. okay. i have to do this by myself. and if i dont, then ill fail, and people will pay the price, and the people i love will rightfully hate me for my lapse of control. and then no one reaches out, about the injury confirmed by omeluum, or about kressas torture, and further still they ask him to face the only two people left who ever knew him before he lost everything, and kill them. and he cant save either of them and has to choose his loved ones NOW over his loved ones THEN, and everyones too embroiled in their own issues to even really fully realize.

and then you cant ignore it anymore. you cant ask him how to handle this, what to do, have him guide your hand or comfort you, because now HES the crisis. the problem, confirmed a hundred times over by a hubdred different people, stares you in the face and refuses to be ignored anymore. the defining injury, the last remaining legacy of a past you never really reckoned with because you sat on the sidelines for it, the last echoing rattle of a ghost you never thought about, is now here to claim the friend who saved your life without asking a single thing in return, and its doing so explicitly because YOU never once thought about it or how to handle it. and now its all coming down around you on what should have been your final victory, but you never tried to tie these threads up!! and if you dont figure something out NOW, your going to lose EVERYTHING

like god. i love it. i think everyone should have to sweat, and try for just a day to handle the sheer load of bullshit dirge had to deal with daily. like it isnt enough to care when he doesnt ask anything of you, now you have to put your money where your mouth is and do it of your own volition cuz now he cant ask for help. and not just him but you have to save your other two friends having their own crises concurrently, all while feeling woefully unequipped and worn down and exhausted, and maybe think about how youve never seen him sleep except in those brief and short rests you take while on the road, and how he has to bury his face in blankets every morning to hide from the sun or else hell vomit, and how much medicine he has to take just to do the same shit you do every day.

and like. of course all the origin characters are CAPABLE of leading! its just that theyre never made to in the same way they are during an origin playthrough, cuz in those there isnt a tav or a durge to save them for them. they have to do it themselves, and help carry everyone else besides. but that just adds to it for me, like you COULD have done something to help this earlier, but you didnt, because this was easier and didnt seem to have any consequence because.. what exactly?

that he just seemed inhumanly durable? he could handle it, he could do it, hes been doing fine so far, if he needed help hed ask for it (nevermind that youve forgotten that when he did last time, you wrote him off and then didnt connect the dots between a bard dying in camp and the upsetting scary violent urges he asked for help with before. do you ever wonder how scary it might be to wake up having absolutely zero control over your body and the actions it takes and seeing that, without your awareness, you killed someone you wanted to journey with? brutally, violently, sadistically murdered her, all without even a shred of awareness. you cant be trusted to lose control of yourself for even a moment), if he wanted to talk about what happened with kressa hed say so, if there was something to say about his injury it wouldve been said, if he ever reached out to me id have helped him like he helped me, but you didnt and you didnt and you didnt and now everythings going to shit and you dont know what to do because your first instinct is to ask him but you dont even know if hes conscious anymore, laid out on omeluums desk and steadily bleeding where you cant stitch it closed, and you have to make sure astarions okay, that karlachs okay, that your all okay, and he did this every day this whole time.

like personally i really just enjoy putting the party through their paces, JUUUST a lil bit

[laithraihan]

Would you be comfortable sharing any personal info (age, profession, relationship status, etc...)? Completely understand if you're not but it's always really interesting learning about the lives of ppl I admire. Again, if that's not something you wanna do it's totally understandable! I love your art!!

Ah thank you so much ��� and sure I dont mind sharing some stuff but to be very honest Im not an interesting person, so I'm sorry in advance for disappointing you.

So I'm a woman (or something like that) even though I use a male pen name for art, Im 22 years old, 151cm (4'11"), the eldest daughter who has two teenage siblings who are both taller than me and make fun of me for being short. I do not have a profession and I do not go to school due to a disability I will not disclose. Im a lesbian engaged to a butch, we've been together for almost 4 years (our anniversary is in August)

My favorite season is winter because all the bugs are dead and I despise summer because the bugs are alive. Im also really scared of butterflies for some reason. Im scared of winged bugs in general. Ive never seen a cockroach in my life but I'd probably kill myself if I saw one. I really hate bugs. The winters are harsh here but I like walking outside when theres light snow falling at night. Im also a bit obsessed with Christmas lights but I dont celebrate Christmas, I dont follow any religion in general but my family is Muslim so Ive been raised with that. If I could just put Christmas lights in my room all year then I would do that. They look really pretty.

About my ethnicity I think everyone knows Im Algerian already, well Ive only been to Algeria once when I was like 8 years old so I dont really remember anything. All I know is that my uncle would keep telling my dad that I convinced him to stop smoking and that he's eternally grateful for that but I literally cannot remember what I did or said back then so I just pretended I knew what he was talking about. Anyway. Id like to go there again one day. I most likely will go soon in the future so it makes me happy to think about it.

My first language is French and Im somewhat fluent in English but it needs more work. Whenever I speak English I have to think harder about the words that come out of my mouth and I start saying things that dont make sense. But my pronunciation is good so other people just assume Im fluent. Also I understand Derja (Algerian Arabic) when people talk to me out loud but I cant form sentences and respond back so I just answer people in French. I know how to read Arabic script and I understand basic words but again I cant form sentences. As for Japanese I can only read Hiragana and Katakana and a bit of Kanji, and my understanding of the language is worse than Arabic, so I practice by translating Japanese song lyrics, reading news articles and talking with Japanese users online

Honestly I dunno what else to say, I dont really have any special skills or anything like that. Unless you count memorizing all the metro stations in Montreal but thats only because I had to use public transport all the time when I was a kid because my parents never felt like driving me to my appointments. At that point I probably visited every single station because I had to go to many random places. I dont have a drivers license but I prefer walking to places in general even though there are no stores near my neighborhood, but I think it's better for me because I get to walk more. I think I really like the idea of travelling in general but I dont have friends for that, my parents also wouldnt allow me to hang out with friends so it's a bit unfortunate

Oh and lately Ive been enjoying making eggs for some reason, I think Im good at doing that. But I only cook whenever Im hungry and I rarely feel hungry so I dont cook many eggs. I also dont like cleaning dishes so I avoid making huge meals in general. I dont really eat much in the first place but I still like food. I really like going to restaurants too. I just like going outside in general. I like listening to music and talking with people, normal stuff like that. Im running out of things to say so I'll probably just stop there.

[liquidstar]

I've seen a lot of people in the Re:zero community hate puck with a passion and call him a hypocritical toxic father, and a good portion of them accuse him of deliberately mentally abusing Emilia so that she can be a naive pretty doll with no sense of independence and always obey him unconditionally.

How do you feel about that?

i dont think theyre wrong per say but i also do think puck genuinely loved emilia a lot- i dont think this is something up for debate. he will literally end the world if she dies. but is that what she would want??? i highly doubt it. emilia is a girl who would die for a world that has been nothing but cruel to her.

puck was never really meant to be a father, like, thats not what he was made for. hes the beast of the end not the beast of paternal love. but thats also something about him i find compelling, because he changed so much of himself because he loved this girl so much. his mentality is literally "if anything happens to her ill kill everyone in the world and then myself"

but he does baby her. extremely so. and he does treat her like a doll. remember part of their contract is literally that he does her hair, and thats why she chops off in greed:if as an act of rebellion (normal teen girl behavior honestly). he also literally never told her what sex is- shes 17 and she had no clue, and its played off as a joke at first, but subaru's "damn you puck" rings so true.

remember in wrath:if it was puck who pitched a deal with suabru to keep emilia trapped in the "princess room" away from all the danger. the whole princess room thing (in wrath:if and also in her childhood) is symbolic of her loss of autonomy in a lot of ways, especially when you remember she's NOT a princess. she's a candidate to be a KING!

and there are more damning things within their contract too, like how she literally wasnt allowed to SEE HER OWN FACE! its not made super clear in the anime, but whenever she looks at reflections she actually doesnt see anything back (not because she doesnt have one, but that she herself isnt perceiving it. and i think a lot of this also comes back to the self-recognition theme of the story, the whole reflections though eyes motif and all. remember how much of her we saw reflected only through subaru's eyes? she doesnt actually see her own reflection until she jumps inside the lake in the trial)

but i think thats also a big part of why he broke her contract with her to begin with. i think he knows she hasnt been allowed to grow up, that shes been overly babied, isolated, and kept away from things that might potentially make her feel bad. including her past, and even her present and future... breaking the contract off all at once isnt a good way to do this, i mean, her mental breakdown was so emblematic of that. but i think its important to look at what it all means for the meta narrative.

the latter half of arc 4 was absolutely emilia's arc, and a lot of it was her sort of growing up. i dont think cold turkey is a great way for a parental figure to do this to their child, but emilia was so incredibly dependent. and a lot of that was because puck MADE her dependent to begin with. for so much of her life she literally only had him... like. she was all alone in complete isolation in a frozen forest for as far back as she can remember, and everyone in the world hated her for reasons she didnt understand, and all she had was this little cat thing to be her friend. OF COURSE shes dependent on him, and of course she thinks she cant do stuff on her own (shes so fucking scared of being alone), and i think puck sort of depended on this mindset to keep her a "child" for as long as possible

but she had to grow up eventually. she's 18, maybe almost 19 by this point of the story (still unclear exactly which month we're in) and this is just as much her coming of age story as it is subaru's. (but speaking of subaru puck also guilt trips him quite a bit about emilia's deaths, even when he himself is "gone at the most important times" in emilia's words, which is not only hypocritical but also manipulative!)

all this being said i seriously love puck as a character because when he was first introduced i was like "oh god. annoying mascot character. boring" and then the beast of the end reveal happened and i was like "oh so this is going in the kyubey ripoff direction. i guess that makes sense for a dark fantasy but idrc" BUT THEN he actually ends up being like. an actual character w a lot of depth and nuance to him, a lot of it being how incredibly fucking sketchy he actually is but in a completely different way than just "evil twist mascot." between him and matsumoto from vivy, i love how tappei handles mascot characters- theyre a really hard thing to get right w/o being annoying LOL.

[tpwkmadeline]

I heard your being our big sister so i just wanted to ask for some advice

This is kind of vulnerable and long so i apologize lol

So like ever since I was like 14 (im 18 now so like for four years now) i have had this thing where I have a feeling like something bad is going on. My body's always alert like something bad is going to happen to me any second. I think i might've killed my nervous system by now because GIRL im always so scared for no reason and i don't know why??

Especially at night I cant fall asleep because im so scared that ive done something so incredibly bad that someones out to get me. I always stay up late so tomorrow comes later ( i know that doesn't make sense but bare with me) with cold sweat, my heart feeling its being squeezed, the feeling of needing to throw up. And I only fall asleep after literately overthinking EVERYTHING that has ever happened to me.

Some nights if im exhausted I just sleep straight away, but like I take a while to sleep so like almost everyday is like this. It stresses me out SO BAD i can barely breathe and sometimes I'll cry from the overestimation because I just want to sleep but my thoughts are so loud omg.

Its been like this for 4 years but its gotten bad a couple months ago. I HAVENT GOT A WELL NIGHTS REST SINCE SEPTEMBER. I actually dont know who to ask for help on how to stop this.

And ALSO, I get nightmares so frequently like as frequent as normal dreams. Idk if that means anything but I thought i'd share.

So basically what im asking is if you have any tips on how to stop feeling like youre going to be killed every second of the day.

THANK YOU BOO

this sounds like a mix of adhd and anxiety. i have adhd and at night sometimes i get racing thoughts, when i’m having too many thoughts at one time so i can’t process any of them and i freak out because of it then cant sleep. i also get really vivid nightmares for weeks on end every couple of months.

i’ll be brutally honest, i take an edible (legally) to calm myself down LMAO but i know that’s not accessible to everyone. melatonin has also helped me (but sometimes i get weird dreams cause of it) but i wouldn’t do that every night because you’ll build a tolerance.

are you possibly in therapy and have mentioned this before? i have a friend who used to experience similar things and she got on anxiety medication, and hasn’t experienced that in awhile now.

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[omegalomania]

the thing that truly Truly unhinges me about infinity on high is that it is not simply an album about the horrible stomach-wrenching rollercoaster of fame and it is not solely an album about wrestling with your demons but it is a marriage of those two it is very much about fighting the worst parts of yourself in the most public avenues available. it's an album that all but rattles with the amount of references there are to medication. every seeming bout of narcissism is undercut with a sardonic twist and the snap of subtle self-loathing brimming beneath.

and the worst part of it is how that isn't even the worst part of it. the worst part of it for me is the fear. the fear of becoming something other than what you are. the fear of getting better. because this is how the world likes you - broken and stripped down to your ugly parts and embittered and exposed. this is how the world wants you, consumes you, because it's in your brokenness that they pick out such pretty patterns like finding rainbows in shards of glass. it's your wrecked-up brain with all its sporadic misfirings that draws everyone to you like moths to a faulty porchlight. i only keep myself this sick in the head 'cause i know how the words get you off. infinity on high. van gogh, the poster child for the ethos of creating something even at your lowest points. the poster child for the speculative, horrifying ethos of how your flaws and faults and fuck-ups are the only things worth keeping. how often have we seen that rhetoric. if van gogh wasn't depressed, we wouldn't have gotten starry night.

on september 15th 2006 at 9:08pm est pete wentz answered a fan question about what accomplishment of his he is proudest of.

I don’t really think about success or accomplishments too often. I guess just being around. Letting myself move past who I used to be- because that person was continually unhappy. Or at least trying to get to that point and not feel like im “changing for the worse” just because im letting myself feel ok. 10 years ago I didn’t listen to anything anyone said ever for the most part.

on september 18th 2006 at 2:36am est pete wentz wrote on one of his blogs how infinity on high was beginning to feel like a "nocturnal record" as it began to take shape.

somehow the things we say mean more in corners of dancefloors and we focus on love below the waist and outside of the head. "dont you want to get better"- i just dont want you to worry. "dont you want to get better" - tonight i do. the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured. in my head. it aint a funeral babe, i just want the headline to die. recovery is the new drug.

it hurts sometimes thinking about who he was in that moment. someone so fucking scared of getting better and desperate to get better, committing every flaw and insecurity he had to paper and trying to make art out of how desperately he fucking hated himself. as if his pain was the only compelling thing about him.

that's what kills me about this record. truly. it's not just about the perils and pitfalls of fame and renown. it's about how it feels, really feels, to think that your fame is reliant on you fucking hating yourself and how that is killing you.

and yet. infinity on high. a title taken from words written in 1888, from van gogh to his brother, as he talks about how his improving health has had a positive effect on his art.

Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.

van gogh did not give us starry night because he was depressed and suicidal and falling apart. van gogh did not make incredible works of art because of how much he was suffering. van gogh created in spite of that, because he had a brother who loved him and reasons to keep going.

pete wentz did not write some of his best lyrics on infinity on high because he was depressed and suicidal and falling apart. he wrote them in spite of that, because he had people in his life who loved him and over 15 years later he is still alive, he has 3 kids, he has his band who have been together for over 20 years and still love making music together, and at least externally, he no longer feels the need to self-immolate so the onlookers can make pretty patterns from the ashes left over.

[calpalsworld]

I just realized Im over 6 months on T...!!!

My genuine review of T for others who may be considering or just interested in the topic.

Keep in mind that everyone will have different results on T. For me I am on a small dose because my T levels were already high to begin with.

Reasons why I went on T:

Was living out publicly as non binary but I would still feel upset when strangers would misgender me.

Had been wishing that I was more masc body wise and voice wise since at least high school.

Didn't have intense dysphoria but I felt very neutral about my body. It felt strange and like it wasn't progressing how I imagined it would. I had certain features that pissed me off, which I knew T would change.

Dysphoria was triggered in public interactions and when I had to acknowledge my body by myself. I felt like strangers weren't seeing me as me, and felt that I wasn't experiencing my body in the way I wanted to.

Pros:

Everything!!!

Voice that surprises me with how deep it is sometimes. When I lean back against a chair and speak I can feel my diaphragm rumble.

Menstruation stopped almost immediately.

(May be TMI but this is a major thing yet the only thing that I did not know was going to happen before starting). Rapid and significant genital changes. Psychologically helpful for me.

Hairier arms, stomach, and thighs.

Stomach fat and face fat increase. (potentially boob and thigh fat decrease but it may be placebo or just in contrast).

More facial fuzz.

Slightly veinier hands.

Slightly thicker/more muscular arms.

Looking at myself and seeing someone who looks good and confident and masc/butch and feeling great about it. Sometimes I look at myself in the reflections of building windows and get excited.

Being able to discuss T with other friends who are on T.

People misgender me as he/him and a man (Im non binary and go by they/them) more often than misgendering me as she/her and a woman now. This is still not ideal but it bugs me less.

Random queer strangers asking "are you on T!?" and being excited.

Knowing I dont have to live my life as a lie.

Cons:

My pre existing erotophobia (I'm triggered and obsessive over certain things relating to sex) has been activated as I experience new things.

My pre existing paranoia being rebranded into a trans related experience (I worry sometimes people are stalking me and planning to kill me for the slightest things I do wrong, now I worry that its because Im trans). This will go away once I work through my mental illness and internalized bigotry.

Voice hurt when the changes started (like a sore throat for a few weeks as if I was sick).

I cant do a lot of funny voices that I liked doing anymore, but I can do new voices.

New and strange sensations in genital area, during the first few weeks it was very painful (I have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Vaginismus so this may not be a universal experience).

Became slightly stinkier and oilier when I started, but it seems to have gone away.

I'm non binary and I still feel connected to women and I get anxious that people won't be able to comprehend that. (examples: others might not like me calling myself "butch" or sharing my experiences with womanhood). But this is internal rather than reflective of anything I've experienced. This may be entirely in my head.

Family awkwardness. Family members assuming crazy stories about how I feel. (generic things like: thinking i hate myself and am scared of men so i want to turn myself into a man?!?!😭😭😭). But friends and others do not assume these things.

(TMI but true) Thick buttcrack hair is annoying.

Future thoughts:

I feel very fortunate that my experience with T is going very well.

I know the best parts of T takes time and patience to become apparent so I am excited that I started at 21.

I am proud of achieving what I thought might only be a fantasy, and I hope I can have access to T for the rest of my life.

[bfdifan26]

please do list of every burner depression i love this show so so much you should do that

okay! thank you for enabling me. disclaimer im not a Depression Expert i pretty much only know what i go through myself. have fun

ok so roomy isnt a contestant but i do wanna talk about her. i feel like the whole thing with her literally being the room can be compared to something like a kid with depression not leaving their room and just living within a tight window of reality, only ever speaking to their parents and stuff. i feel like roomy can be related to that as she literally can’t leave. like executive dysfunction the character. also her personality, only caring about being nice and not hurting others, and by doing that not letting anyone know who she really is or how she really feels

okay onto the contestants now. rosey is a very interesting character, what draws me in about her the most is her almost refusal to appear vulnerable or overwhelmed by anything, always needing a guaranteed way to do something so she knows it’ll work. this can be seen as somebody with depression relying on things in their life that they know off by heart, things like routines and rituals they perform daily, having something to fall back on and feel some normalcy through. again she’s very similar to roomy with the whole social butterfly thing

spraypaint is tricky because we’ve basically only ever seen her be like Ahh im gonna kill you be scared. but i do think she has a reason to constantly be like that towards people. nobody is ever aggressive because they like it i dont think anyone likes being on guard 24/7. i feel like she relies on her knife alot, for example in the scene where she argues with playdoh after they run into eachother, she tries to just kill him right there instead of bothering to interact with him once she gets bored of him and decides he has nothing to say that she wants to hear (based but only because it’s playdoh)

kit seems to be very self confident unlike the majority of the other characters, but for the entire time, others have kind of decided what kit is like in their heads and settled on it, based off how she appears. that being limey seeing how relaxed and inexpressive she is and that making him think that she doesn’t care about things around her. with depression it can be easy to get tired of some things, but people then assume you don’t care about anything, and that you’re just apathetic, and/or constantly thinking you’re sad when like. thats just how you look Lol. that’s what kit and how she’s treated reminds me of

speaking of limey. he’s pretty similar to spraypaint, except he’s much more sensitive, or at least outwardly. it doesn’t take much for him to feel overwhelmed and like everybody is out to get him, and he’s always trying to counter this feeling by insisting to both others and himself that he has something up his sleeve that’ll make everyone regret thinking badly of him. he’s just a very defensive character and who can blame him. oh also hes very clearly hyperfixated on the idea of being a cartoony super villain or something. it’s a part of his identity he relies ALOT on, always falling into it especially when he feels threatened

pilly is very organised and on top of everyone else, and his only fault ive noticed is his detachment. he says to record outright that he doesn’t need or want friends, and purposely blends in to make sure he isn’t noticed and nobody tries to connect with him. i think this can be 2 different things; either he just straight up doesn’t like other people and finds them draining and just another hassle, or he really would like a friend but would rather not reach out from fear of being rejected. i think it’s the first one but you can never know

peanut is another character who’s very isolated except for him it’s nobody’s fault or deliberate choice really. we’ve seen that he lives in the middle of the country out on a farm, either living on his own or with his close family. my personal idea of him involves the second one and that also fits in with this. one of peanut’s very first lines is that he doesn’t care about what happens to him and is mostly focused on doing things for others’ sake. hes seen to be used to doing the dirty work for people and to be happy with it being like this. i think peanut relies on being a helping hand since well. that’s all he really knows how to do, and how to be wanted by others

to say polaroid is overshadowed by the other characters is an understatement both in the show and outside. like i think he’s the character with the least fanart, even including the one-time cameo dudes. its a shame because he’s SO good. his most noticeable trait first up is that he can’t speak verbally, and for others to acknowledge his words they have to put effort in which. unfortunately alot of people dont. like this hes ignored easily and often, being talked over, people dragging him around and ordering him to do things without listening to what he thinks first. but despite this hes so caring, seen with him encouraging pilly even after he threatened him with elimination (have i ever mentioned i love those two’s relationship so much) and comforting roomy and going with her to help with her fears

record is like. id say one of the most depression coded objects ever. she’s shy but not the stereotypical shy archetype, questioning people’s orders and sometimes even getting frustrated with others. she’s shown to have trouble explaining herself to others, feeling like she needs to in order to be forgiven for well. Literally just standing there. not much i can say about her that hasn’t been said /agreed on already

onto hanger my favourite… hanger is again, talked over by basically everyone. she rarely has the opportunity to ‘prove herself’ to others and when she does, the credit is taken away from her and it doesn’t matter how much she yells and argues, she can never be listened to. when this happens to someone it can easily feel like nothing you do will ever work and it’s just hopeless to even think of doing anything right or impressing anybody. i wouldn’t say hanger feels like that since we’ve seen that she’s very strong willed, but that’s just the thing. she HAS to stop herself from feeling that way because nobody else will, she has nobody else to rely on.

except erasey

erasey is similar to kit with the whole under expressive thing, as well as it being seen that they kind of struggle with motivation. they seem to have a kind of omnipotence that makes it so that they know what to do and how to do it, and if it’s even worth it to try. but apart from that they don’t do much else, that’s all that’s important to them. they only try to do what they absolutely need to

i hope playdoh cries again in burner 4

[carpedzem]

questionnaire results that i didnt forget about at all

im okay so i forgot and then forgot again a few times. ANYWAY. enjoy the results!!

i cant post every written answer, so heres my favourite :)

whats your favourite animal, be as specific as possible

Peregrine Falcon

domestic cat! specifically MY cats but any cat will do

your mom

Black bear. One tried to walk into my house recently and he was really cute but I had to tell him no :( (ARE YOU OK?)

Dumbo octopus

fancy rats

honestly i’ve always been too scared to settle on one animal as a favorite, because it feels like a question with no satisfying answer. like if i had to be honest it’s probably dogs? because i’ve grown up around them, they’re an animal i like beyond just aesthetic purposes. but when you hear this sort of question, you wonder if the asker wants to hear about something exotic, some random interest that caught the interviewees eye at a young age and never left their conscious. anyways i think it’s probably house cats

rainbow trout, luzon-bleeding hearts, and horses.. dogs too

emperor penguin

any type of liddol snake. I love them so

sea sheep

Long eared Jerboa

(most people chose cat)

george (42,5%)

second place with also a lot of votes (37%)

sapnap (45,7%)

dream (44,1%)

this is my favourite question and i cant believe i misspelled it

you can put two of your mutuals against each other in a fight. who do you chose

i can’t answer this they all hate one another it’s too real. bellaya (bellaya was the most popular answer)

Lost and Kiuda. There can only be one (one of what)

Can I just give loyal a nice spa day? I'd like to give loyal a nice spa day

violence is never the answer

🤦🏻‍♂���🤣

i would fight them all myself obviously

I fear that no matter who I put here they'd just give up and make out instead

I only have two moots I joined tumblr a day ago help (i wonder how this person likes it here so far)

Nunki "demonstars" vs Nov "sueñitos" for La Velada 2024

no fighting…. sharika shakira

Gogciety v powergnf battle of the golos

im giving you a gun with only one bullet. what do you do (vent section) (while a lot of answers made me laugh a lot im gonna skip ones that can get us in trouble LMAO. but remember you made ME laugh)

Listen would killing q give us usmp back? No. Would it make me feel SO MUCH BETTER??????? YES!!!!!! (i mean obv q took like half of the shots. the other popular answer was just lining everyone)

I give it to Sapnap. He has made it clear he will kill for Dream god bless

am i given a time machine? can i shoot someone already dead? does it have to be someone reasonably killable? the answer to these questions is irrelevant because no matter what i want it to be steve jobs.

shoot at internet cable

going to british land and the first dumbass cc i see gets it

use it to open a jar because my hands are very weak and im too embarrassed to ask anyone else to open it for me

only one :(?

Lay it carefully on the ground.

hand it to George he could judge more fairly than I (and hope he doesn't shoot Sapnap)

i send the gun and bullet to the dteam house as a secret gift with a note explaining that it's for sapnap and george only, and a letter stating to pass extras to the rest of the munchy squd. if we all donate our weapons to them, they'll be able to shoot all of dream's haters. the only obstacle is dream himself, which is why he can't know what's in the box.

Give it to gnf&sapnap and watch them fight over it

(IM SORRY I FORGOR....)

top drolo 2023 - ones i forgot about

punz

hannah

puffy

bbh

squidkid

Radio statio guy

SYLVEEYYYY

illumina

me. sorryyr i dont mean that

you (im soo not BUT THANK YOU)

I think all munchies deserve this spot, theyre all the best drolos :(( i love them

powergpu guy (jesse)

george deserves it tbh for slut smp (that is true, but i excluded snf bc i was afraid they will sweep...)

shadoune

LARRAY

Lil nas X

THATS ALL. thank you everyone who took part in this AND ONCE AGAIN IM SORRY I FORGOT ABOUT IT.... ill be better next time o7

[trophyhugger]

.

my eyes are small

i have a moustache

i have bad acne

my breath stinks bc i dont brush my teeth

im lazy

i cvt myself

i make up my own gods just to feel like someone cares about me

i was stalked at 12 by one of my classmates who took a pic of me while i was undressing in my room and sent them to his cousin who then flirted with me and called me gorgeous and pretty (ive been paranoid since and my immediate reaction to even seeing a shadow behind my blinds (which most of the time is a tree) is to run to the kitchen and grab a knife, i also feel watched 24/7 ever since that happened

same guy tried to break into my house many times, recently him and another classmate of mine followed me home, asking if they can come in, ignoring when i was saying no, they kept playing with me like i was a puppet by pulling me back and trying to grab me when i tried going faster to go back home already, one of them kept recording me while it was happening because it was jst that "funny", ever since then im terrified of leaving school because i think one of them might follow me home

i react with trying to kill someone with spirituality when i dont like someone

my humor is shit

i wear the same stuff everyday because i have no style

my dad hates me

ive been told that im lucky to have the parents that i have now because other families wouldn't allow me to just skip school whenever i want and would be more strict when it comes to school, and even though im in an all abusive household im scared of actually calling cps because im scared that what they said is true and that id be treated worse than i am now

im s3xually harassed everyday

my p.e teacher is coming back in a few months (he's a pedo) (specifically for me)

nobody talks to me at school

nobody likes me

i was shamed for my weight by my father at just 12 which caused me to have body issues ever since, i was 66 kilos back then, now im 45 and still get judged by my own parents for it.

im boring

im stupid and the only reason why the only classes im good at is english, computer and art class is because I've been chronically online since like 5 years old

i rarely go outside

i was taught that going to a psychologist or therapist or in general someone who could actually help me would be a punishment, "ill send you to therapy" would develop into a threat, after showing signs of neurodivergence by stimming around my parents once my dad called me sick and said im on the same level as people who have down syndrome or a physical disability in general, and that I'd be tied up and sent to a mental hospital and spend the rest of my life being seen as insane if i ever acted like that again, my mom tried to "help" by saying that "maybe he is sick", i am now unable to actually see therapy as a good thing because i gen think ill just be seen as crazy and get sent to a mental hospital if i ever show signs of needing help

i rarely shower

i get jealous easily

my own mom tried to k1ll me at 8yo and threatened me with a knife when i was 6

my dad ALSO m0l3st3d me at 7 after he got drunk cuz hes an alcoholic (i remember i told him "dad please dont drink so much today" since it was during a party) (i was 7)

i get touched inappropriately at school and the staff wouldnt give a shit even if i told them because its just "jokes"

^^^ everyone that i trusted that includes my own EX best friend laughed when i told them about it xd

i got told multiple times during school that I'll be bred and have my face fucked

when i was 9 i cvt myself using scissors because i thought its fun, when my mom noticed since i did them on my hands she, instead of asking why or comforting me, asked if i "really have it that bad" and accused me of being in a cult and c4rv1ng "symbols" onto myself (she never gave a shit she just assumed i was the problem)

i got s3xually harassed many times by my family members, classmates, school staff, and drunk strangers

i was also gr00med online many times

ive been told that im annoying and weird ever since i was only 5 years old and everytime i see the word annoying now i tear up like a baby because im stupid (last time i got called annoying for infact being annoying i c4rv3d the word annoying onto my thigh)

im easily replaceable and have absolutely 0 friends irl

im weird

the only times when im liked is when im silent and sad instead of happy and energetic

i suck at everything

i cant draw

i cant do simple math

i cant do simple chemistry

i cant do simple physics

my own father called me embarrassing for getting a bad grade at something yesterday

me cvtting myself is the funniest joke ever when it comes to my class it seems

im too much of a coward to actually kms even though that'd be the best option

i think im fat even though im only 45 kilos

im not manly enough (im not a real boy) (i never will be)

the only safe space i ever had is the internet and the only reason why is because i can say whatever i want on it

i talk to objects irl because i dont have anyone else

im even socially anxious online

the only reason im alive still is because of trophy ii nyan 😛😛😛 my husband ❤️❤️ i lov him so mucj id do it so much earlier if it wasnt for him

[cannibal-nightmares]

it's moments like these the crash-landing feels perpetual--all-consuming like it's all there's ever had been--and, in a way, it is. surviving this is all a matter of masking and navigating and bargaining and compromise. episodes feel like losses. a subconscious questioning of "if i've made it through all those other days, why can't i do it now all of a sudden?"

block under the cut for vague and not vague paranoid babbling

that noise is goign to kill me for saying any of this but who cares, im a dead man walking whether I say it out loud or not. it always feels like im ying to myself pressing against it. but isnt it right? why is it so fucking loud? there has to be a reason its so adamant. "its the illness." "its real" "it sthe illness" it blurs together. i know thats the whole issue. i cant afford to listen to either side. either side will hurt me, either side will punish me.

my friend asked why i dont skip work when i dont feel well without understanding that i would then never go to work. and dont get it twisted: im one of the top employees in performance. a schizo. a psychotic, crazy, terrified schizo. id skip work today--thats how on fire my nerves are--but i cant afford to. i have to keep my head down and hope they dont pry me open, today especially. i am tired of holding back my angred fear of people. ive started being more upfront w questions, some in the forms of jokes, like my co-worker who gave me a cookie and i said "if this is laced, im going to kick your ass," like when my colleague who mentioned singing in the company cars and i said i dont [because im scared of cameras.] or whatever.

im struggling. I'll admit. it's snowballing. It's a nose-dive death spiral. that clacking overspeed sound. redlining. and i have so much to do. so much to do at what cost? immovable things. i'm moving again? What the fuck. Who made that decision? I guess it was me. I don't remember. alexa, play "the actor" by everything everything. i feel fucking crazy that all of this gets magnified and exacerbated by ptsd/the weather. how stupid is that. how cruel is that? i want to cancel my plans. i cant. i should. i cant. i can't. it won't let me. i also know a more-sane me would be heartbroken. idk whats going to happen between now and late june. I see the dial trembling at its peak. im dead if i do, im dead if I dont. "to join the new river?" that's all it is.

and i have to repeat myself here: this shit isn't new. im just trying to be vulnerable. whatever that means. a glimpse inward. here it is while it's hot. perpetuity. dont you dare pity me. ive got more swords than you could ever begin to imagine, ive just only got two hands. i dont mind being stability for people--i like that i am--but this is whats behind that. with great reason comes unfathomable absurdity. contrast.

[visionthefox]

Im feeling silly , I was looking over my logs of texts I often write to myself, an idea of what ever I want to do in the future And I found a horror idea based on a dream I had- I still somewhat remember it- I have a fear of getting lost and trapped - because I did get lost some few times in my life~ but for some reason my dream changed to "Im running" to "watch as someone else needs to survive" and I guess was to not get too scared? anyways, all I know I was in a abandoment plex, or shopping mall, I was in the play area MIND YOU this was before FNAF RUIN was even a thing! but I used to watch ppl explore abandoment places at night- soo ok, based on this dream of being lost, and running from something, I created an AU I never once shared to anyone sooo feeling silly! I want to let it out~ in resume! actually short one What if Fazbear got tired of weird stuff happening in the daycare, robots coming in and out, missing tech- a fucking death star? and their animatronics getting too comfortable walking away.. so much so is getting the brand in trouble so one night- FazCo just - reset both Sun and Moon, one night they sleep in the room they have, some humans walk in, since they work there Computer can not harm them, Computer tried to wake Moon but failed the next day, both brothers forgor everything and everyone, but something is off, Sun is not nervious nor shy, far from it, he seems to take a leadship, be harsh, sassy and somewhat mean-Moon in the other hand? he is calm, silent, cold only to human and robots, not kids, he is obedient to Sun only, and will be mean to everyone else. idk what exactly happened, but the plex grew darker, as maybe the aura of the change made everyone freak out, since Moon was literally paying FazCo to let him do anything, yet the company reset him as nothing.. soon chaos happend, and Eclipse , who mind you now has a body of his own -and I have no idea on what arc this happened, I just know he still hated everyone and didnt died- tried to walk in the daycare, only to Find Moon staring at him at the top on the play structure, Eclipse tease Moon but soon see something is not ok. Moon let him walk in, and worst, he just stared at him like a cat set on a prey, is only when Sun walked out from the ball pit he stared at Eclispe , and in a cheerfull yet cold tone said "oh, you are not part of FazCo line.. you are a bootleg? sorry~ we dont allow bootlegs in here! you need to leave!" and before Eclipse can say shit, Moon chease him away, Eclipse doesnt know why- but he ran away, maybe because Moon seems to be in his "kill code mode" but he just runs NOW this is the meat of the AU, Eclipse is forced to survive not getting seen by anyone, not even gregrory because he soon realized, every door is locked with new code only the rest on the glamrooks know, he tried to find the code, but just can not.. this is all I got, in my notes I had that Sun tried to reset Eclipse too thinking he just "needed some repains too" but I think Sun wanting Eclipse gone is more scary~ so yea, idk what to do with this so Im letting this out here- I may flesh out this idea? but I dont think I may actually draw it I just knew I wanted some horror related AU with sams at the time I wrote my dream down, I wanted true horror an scene I rememebr is Eclipse running inside one of the tubes, is all dark, only his eyes glow, and he is freaking out, Moon is cheasing him like a actual robot, no much of his personality showing - Eclipse clips up to the play structure, and finds a way out, not before he hears Sun teasing "please come out! we will make you better! you need to follwo FazCo rules~"