#and the germaphobia too but that's another topic

[noahtally-famous]

kinda (very) ironic that the two allegedly "normal guys" in the total drama franchise have some of the most concerning lore/personalities

[whumpshaped]

https://www.tumblr.com/whumpshaped/732983019546279936/sometimes-i-look-at-my-cat-and-thing-absolutely

Mmmhmmm. Yeah, Helle, I'm going to need some specifics now, please. 😊

What's so cute about Beck? What makes you want to squish his lil' face and baby talk him? Something about his face/body? An expression he makes? Something he does?

(prev)

There's something about the way you're phrasing your questions, or maybe about the topic itself, that makes Helle embarrassed; an emotion they don't usually have to deal with nowadays. They don't really know how to handle it. They could of course always refuse to answer, they've had no problem refusing before, and yet... somehow that doesn't even cross their mind right now.

"Everything," they say eventually, pushing through the discomfort, but never meeting your eyes. "It is the... the way he looks, and moves, and talks... the big, innocent eyes, and the soft hair– oh, the glasses were a big one too, back when he still needed them. It was precious. He used to have this nervous habit of constantly fumbling with them, and he still tries to do it now. Oh, the mask, the mask drove me crazy every time he wore it. It was so precious. Thankfully, he did not forget about the germaphobia."

"Another thing is that sweet Beck is taller than me. Not by much, admittedly, but enough that it is noticeable, and for some reason... for some reason..." They never finish the sentence, but it's okay, because they quickly think of more. "Oh, whenever I see him sleeping. He looks so innocent. It just makes me want to..." They squish thin air to imitate squishing his lil' face. "And every time he calls me 'Master' I have to restrain myself from lovingly tearing him apart."

They suddenly realise they've been talking for ages, and they make a shooing motion. "Okay, that was all. Now leave me alone with this silly topic."

[t4tlawlight]

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia. 

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your  feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits. 

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks: 

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date: 

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly. 

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda. 

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don’t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways. 

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles, 

he tosses it between his hands, 

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3). 

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father.  Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi.  Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them. 

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun. 

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.” 

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

[nicka-nell]

I'm Kiyoomi Sakusa and I'm a germaphobe - Chapter 5: What is your goal?

Words: 1.462 Warning: none

Chapter 4 - Prejudices, clichés and more      | Masterlist

(y/n) = your name | (l/n) = last name | (e/c) = eye colour | (h/c) = hair colour

A week has passed in which Sakusa had to be questioned by his teammates. All the time they started the hospital topic. With the young doctor and how she looks. But he didn’t tell them anything.

In the evening, during this one week, he found himself grasping at the salve and thinking of (y/n), and also that he might be a little more afraid of bacteria than he should be.

Meanwhile, it's enough for him and in the morning he gets up determined to go to the park today. If he could remember correctly, (y/n) said that she went to the kiosk during her break. Maybe she’s also taking her break in the park. In any way, he doesn’t want to go back to the hospital to look for her.

Arriving in the park, he notices how uncomfortable he feels. So many people in one place. So close to him, even if they don’t touch him. Tensely, he tries to escape to a place on which fewer people are present, but then stops as his eyes meet a woman in a white doctor’s coat.

He notices his pulse increasing and how he starts to get nervous. But he doesn't know why. After all, she’s just a person like everyone else. She’s not gonna rip his head off just because he went to see her. Or?

-

Somewhat exhausted and with a growling stomach, (y/n) opens her bento box. At the kiosk, as every day during her break, she had gotten a coffee and drank it on the way to the bench. She pleasantly bites into her scrambled eggs and notices how her stomach slowly fills, when she meets a person she knows from the corner of her eye.

With a put on smile and raised eyebrow, she turns over to this person and sees Sakusa standing in front of her. Without saying anything, she continues to examine him. “Don’t you have to save lives again?” is the only thing that comes out of Sakusa.

He still stands next to her in front of the bench and looks forward. Still, he didn't look at (y/n). “And you? It is unusual for someone suffering from Germaphobia to stay in such a place with many people." she replies promptly and bites off her scrambled eggs again.

He notices him crunching his teeth under his mask and now looks at (y/n) grimly. “I'm not a...” Germaphobe, he actually wants to say, but then interrupts himself. He has no desire to discuss with her, especially since he actually wants to ask her something.

“Why don't you sit down.” (y/n) calls to him and taps next to her on the bench. “Such a public bench is quite unclean. If I just sat on it, I could sit right on a pile of garbage." he mumbles before him and looks down at the young woman in front of him and only now he realizes that she is not wearing a mask.

Her bright eyes sparkle at him and her red lips form a friendly smile. “Sakusa-san? Is just an anti-virus program being updated in your head or why are you looking so lost in thought?” (y/n) asks sarcastically.

An anti-virus program? Actually, Sakusa now would like to turn around with this stupid comment, but he finds himself smiling. So, what’s wrong with him?

With a clear throat, (y/n) takes a handkerchief from her pocket and lays it unfolded beside her. “Here, sit down.” With her mouth full, she points at the handkerchief and with a hiss, Sakusa now sits down.

For a moment, silence arrives, and he just looks at her bentobox. It is filled with vegetables, rice and eggs. Pretty healthy and it looks pretty delicious too. Since he doesn’t want to be rude, he waits for her to finish her meal and then looks at her questioningly.

“How can I help you Sakusa-san? Is your finger still not better? Actually, you shouldn’t be in pain anymore.” For a small moment he has the feeling that she looks at him worried, but then can not interpret her look exactly.

“No, my finger is better. I wanted to thank you for the salve." Right now, he'd like to slap himself. Normally, he always comes straight out with what’s bothering him. Because he didn’t want to talk to strangers too long. But somehow he can’t do it right now, although he doesn’t feel comfortable with his current surroundings.

“And that’s why you’re coming here?” Unbelievably she looks at him and lays her legs on top of each other. Her coat opens a little bit and the naked skin of her leg emerges. Sakusas eyes wander down to her leg, and he notices how his face gains some warmth.

He quickly tries to look away from her and looks forward again. “You don’t have to be so formal with me (l/n)-sensei." His quiet voice is heard. “Oh?” An astonished sound comes out of her mouth. “Just call me Kiyoomi or just Sakusa. I don’t really care.” He still looks straight ahead.

“All right, Kiyoomi. Then please stop calling me sensei. I still find it funny when people call me that when they’re about the same age as me." laughs (y/n). „Just call me (y/n)." Grinning, she stretches her hand out to him, but then pulls it back again because he certainly does not like physical contact with others.

“But what do you want now...? You didn’t really just want to thank me for a salve, did you?” With a sweaty grin she bends forward to have a better view of Sakusas face. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. About me being a germaphobe. I don’t think I’m one... but perhaps I agree with you that I may think a little more about my health than other people do." He tries to correct himself. “Okay, and what do you want from me now if you’re not germaphobe?" Sighing, she leans back to the bench again.

“You are a doctor. You realized quite quickly that I had a problem with bacteria and you didn’t judge me for it. On the contrary. The salve you gave me helps a little. I was wondering if you could help me loosen up a little... To have a little less constraints." As if he had just asked her what the weather is like today, he looks at her with a monotonous look.

To get to know a germaphobe who is different from the one she knows from the textbook and to treat him? That’s exactly what (y/n) wanted. Though, she doesn’t know how to help the black-haired in front of her, but she wants to try. For some reason he seems to have aroused her interest not only because of his phobia.

“What would I get out of all this?” Curious and with her eyes folded, she looks at him. Actually, she doesn’t want anything from him for her help. Still, she tries to tease him a little. “Perhaps another success in your career?” he answers her monotonously. Giggling, she sits up and stands in front of Sakusa.

“What is your goal?” she asks him while she looks him in the eye. Despite her standing position, she is only a few centimeters taller than the sitting man in front of her. Questioning, he looks at her.

“What do you mean? What is my goal?” Sighing, she puts her hand on her forehead and afterwards taps her lips with her index finger. “You need a goal. It won’t work otherwise. If you didn’t set a goal, you could always come up with the excuse that you’re still not healed, and I might never get rid of you." she answers him, pondering.

He totally had forgotten how incredibly friendly she is. “Shaking hands." Resolutely, this answer comes out of him. “I want to be able to shake the hands of others without disgust." His voice is louder than before.

“All right. Come to the park tomorrow at three. Then we’ll discuss everything. I have to go now. Saving lives, like you said so beautifully.” she continues somewhat sarcastically and with a broad smile as she says goodbye to Kiyoomi.

"Wait! What if I don’t have time at three?" he yet calls after her. Without turning around, she shrugs. "That’s not my problem. That’s your problem, which you have to solve."

Why is he doing all this again? What did he get himself into...

Chapter 6 - We can do it this way, can’t we?

Taglist: @kara-grayson04​ @suna-allie​ 

[rockisagirlsbestfriend]

The Isolation Journals: Glorious Awkwardness

April 4, 2020

Today’s writing prompt proved a challenge because what was once my most glorious awkward intrinsic trait is currently a way of life for a vast number of people globally. I agonized over the topic longer than I should have.

It felt “too easy” – choosing to write about a “glorious awkward trait” that is so widely accepted now.

It felt “too hard” – would people relate to this as “awkward” now? Could anyone imagine the feeling of hundreds of people staring at them as if they were a freak when they walked down the aisle of an airplane? Would people be able to relate to the experience of returning to the box office, 10 minutes into a movie, to request a new seat assignment; or asking the manager at the gym if they could move to a different cross-training workout station? As many people embrace this trait now, would they be able to imagine their co-workers and friends repeatedly teasing them about this awkwardness and questioning their sanity?

On the idea of it being “too easy”: I thought about some of our most brilliant artists, inventors, designers, musicians, and filmmakers. Stories of being “misunderstood”, “an outcast”, or feeling “different” are commonly shared in interviews. However, once a certain level of fame or recognition is achieved, people celebrate and often emulate their “glorious awkward traits”. But it wasn’t easy. Sometimes that recognition came after decades of taunting by peers, sometimes after death.

On the idea of it being “too hard”: Just this morning, I opened the front door, and saw the grocery delivery driver, in his N95 mask and latex gloves, jump back to the required social distance of 6 feet. Yes, even though this trait is now widely accepted, it still feels awkward. Each of us shrouded in masks as a way to protect each other and ourselves from a dangerous virus. While we both understood it as a necessity, it felt surreal, removed from humanity.

The delivery driver was visibly nervous and anxious to leave. I’d ordered some wine so he needed to scan my ID. With our feet firmly planted on their 6’ marks, our bodies stiffly upright to remain out of the no-fly zone, we extended our arms just far enough that his scanner could read my driver’s license, and retreated as soon as we heard the confirming “beep”.

The writing prompt Jon Batiste offered this morning asked us to describe our “glorious awkwardness”. Well, my glorious awkwardness is: early onset Germaphobia.

I first remember consciously being disgusted by people’s hands in middle school. It wasn’t about the person. I simply saw all the things they touched, could envision dirt and bacteria piling up each time they picked up a pencil, touched the desk, tied their shoe, or twirled their hair. I hid it well (I think), but inside I cringed seeing them raise their unwashed hand to their mouth to eat a sandwich, a healthy snack, or a cookie.

My friends would get sick and brush it off. Their congested nasal passages trying to intake air as they argued, “Agh, izzz jus uh hedddd cold” when I’d decline their request to “try a sip” of my soda. I didn’t want a cold, a head cold, the flu, their mouth on my straw, their breath droplets on the lid.

And it never went away. I thought about it during sex (this was after middle school, for those tracking chronologically). “He didn’t wash his hands when we got home and now they’re where. . . and then. . . ?”

The 3-second rule… or 10 second rule… I don’t remember how many seconds it was, but if a thing fell on a table, the floor, a counter, my shirt, it was not going in my mouth.

In order to have any semblance of a social life, I did the best I could to hide it. Unlike the arbitrary “x-second rule” which never worked for me, I tried to appease my anxiety with “the alcohol will kill it”, which worked for me if I’d consumed enough alcohol.

I’m active, physically and socially. I like to run half marathons, am competitive in a circuit training class, go to rock concerts surrounded by thousands of sweaty people, eat meals out, bump elbows at a crowded bar, travel. The longer I was out in the world, the more I witnessed the repulsive and inconsiderate trait many people - adult people - had of not covering their faces when they sneezed or coughed.

As recently as February – when we were well aware of COVID19, but before we were ordered to stay home – I saw a man sneeze all over the self-service ticket kiosk at the movie theater, as he retrieved his tickets. It was a busy Saturday night. I envisioned all the people who would touch that kiosk after him, print their tickets, go buy popcorn, and put that popcorn directly in their mouth to determine whether it would be salty enough a third of the way through the bucket, before leaving the concession stand to take their seat and perhaps wash their hands on the way. Perhaps.

I alerted an employee, who politely responded, “Thanks for letting us know!” As he continued to address the needs of people in line, the thought of a deadly virus on a high-touch public surface was now trailing off in the distance, unattended.

I’ve been wearing a mask on airplanes, trains, and in all forms of public transport, for more than a decade. The most accessible photo of it I have (meaning I don’t have to sift through 8 hard drives to find an older one) is from 2018 and is posted at the end of this story.

First, it was the looks on the faces of the gate agents, followed by the flight attendants who strained to hear my replies, muffled by the mask. Then, of course, there are the looks other passengers give you, followed by their sighs of relief that you’re not sitting next to them, until you do. Sit. Down. Next. To. Them.

At dinners, my friends would sit waiting around the table, while I washed my hands for well over 20 seconds. Often, depending how long we’d been friends, people would say, “C’mon. It’s ok. The alcohol will kill it!”

Their children would ask, “Can we just start eating?” Sometimes, they could.

Business meals were equally complicated. A coworker once wiped her nose on her napkin, put her napkin on the table, and it touched my fork. I tried to hold it together, to not request new utensils, which would likely be uncomfortable for at least two of us during this business lunch. But I was eating chopped salad. I needed a fork. And I could not use that one. I tried to flag down the server as inconspicuously as possible.

“M’am?” he said.

Fuck. I’m a “M’am” already. Fuck. “Could you please bring me another fork?”

The server picked up the fork, raised it toward his eyes, and twirled it around until nearly every part of it had been touched by his fingers, and declared, “This fork is clean!”

To which my colleague added, “It’s fine. It’s just my allergies.”

Allergies… COVID-19…. the mucus oozing from your nose… whatever hepatitis may now be smeared all over that fork… I’m not using it to place things in my mouth.

This text message regarding COVID-19 is from that co-worker:

To me, for as long as I can remember, this trait wasn’t awkward. It was sensible. I could see how we moved through the world - and we weren’t clean about it. How many things do you do, and surfaces do you touch, between using the ATM and washing your hands? Even if you wanted to, there’s no mechanism for hand washing directly adjacent to the ATM (yet). How many other people pressed those buttons with their dirty hands? Those of us who carry hand sanitizer still have to reach into a pocket or a purse to get it out, mash our dirty ATM hands all over the lid to get it open, splatter it on a hand, close the bottle, brace it between our non-dominant forearm and our ribs, and then rub our hands together vigorously without having it splash in our eyes. 

Put the bottle of sanitizer away.  Feel victorious. And then hear the parking lot attendant decree, “You’re safe!”

One of my favorite observations came from my friend’s son. He was only 5 at the time, but he’d been witness to my glorious awkwardness for most of his life.

“Colette? What happens if you run out of hand-sanitizer?”

“I have more hand-sanitizer.”

“No, but say you’re out - like now -  and that bottle is empty… “

“I’ve got a backup bottle in my purse,” I responded, waving the evidence before him.

“Ok, but what about if you’re in the car. . .  and you run out of hand-sanitizer in the car??”

“I have a backup bottle in the car too…”

“Can we get ice cream?”

In January and February, people freshly returned from their global voyages and large family dinners, would come to circuit training class sick. Coughing, sneezing, sick. “After this workout, I’m going to urgent care,” one member told her friend as we waited in the lobby for class to begin. “I haven’t been able to get rid of this cough for weeks!”

I’d speak with the manager or guest services (they have a fancier name for it, but whatever) people at the front desk. “I come here to be healthy, to stay healthy, to keep my immune system strong. There are visibly sick people about to get on the treadmill adjacent to - and touching - my treadmill, while we breathe heavily, running 8 miles per hour, for 23 minutes, in a steamy enclosed studio. Do you think you could send out an email alerting members that if they’re sick, they should stay home?”

“No, we can’t ask our members to stay home,” they’d respond, while simultaneously – and at my request - reassigning me to a station further away from said sick people. By the way, it wasn’t up to the lovely people at the front desk. They had been told or, at minimum, believed it to be a corporate policy that sick people could workout there.

Fast forward to April 2020: my glorious awkwardness is your glorious awkwardness.

My friends now call me for advice. Colleagues ask where I got my reusable mask (the one pictured below in 2018). “Where did you get that bottle of hand sanitizer?” someone will ask, unaware there’s backup.

But it’s still awkward, isn’t it? Not being able to see the smile of a stranger, clutching the wall as your neighbors cross paths in the narrow walkway, flinching anytime someone sneezes during a ZOOM call. It was one thing when a handful of us felt this way. We understood it to be odd, but we couldn’t escape it, and everyone else seemed to balance it out with their carefree spirits. But now we’re all fumbling through space, with as few points of contact as possible.

Back on the subjects of “easy” and “hard”: in many ways, the new CDC guidelines and local safety mandates have been exceptionally easy for me. It’s my “glorious awkward” moment in the spotlight. I haven’t had to change my behavior at all. I didn’t have to rush to the store (though, on the subject of toilet paper, I am living roll-to-roll).

I have had to change my activities. I miss going to the gym, the crowded bars, the packed arena concerts. I miss running on the beach. I miss traveling. I’ve become numb to the notices of concert cancellations and postponements. Are the days of being at a music festival, with 100,000 people, crammed into sweaty tents, over?

The active part of my life coming to a standstill is hard. But that, I’m still hopeful, is temporary. The hardest part, for me, now that everyone shares this glorious awkwardness, is wondering how we regain that sense of safety in physical space. Will we become afraid to do the things that used to make us feel so alive? Hopefully, we’ll remind each other, “The alcohol will kill it!”

TODAY:

[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine one-shot - “Post-Workout Workout” (Rated NC17)

With Kurt's new promotion, comes a brand new feature article that he gets to write. But it also comes with some interesting requirements, courtesy of his boss, Isabelle Wright. (1456 words)

Notes: So, I know this is the second official work in this series, but it pretty much explains what this series is about. Basically, Kurt got a promotion, and every month he writes an article, occasionally based on things Isabelle decides to torture him with xD Inspired by this article - https://www.prevention.com/sex/a20510107/sex-after-a-workout-benefits/

Warning for being squicky with regard to Kurt’s anxiety about sweat ...

Part 2 of Sorry, Honey, but it’s for Work

Read on AO3.

It’s a struggle to get through the door of their apartment with the two of them locked together at the lips since they got off the elevator. But the moment Kurt saw that the hallway leading to their place was vacant, he leapt on his husband like a serval in heat, clawing at Blaine’s shirt and assaulting his mouth with a mixture of lust and disgust. Blaine doesn’t mind the distressed whimpers and the gasping for air that follows Kurt’s attempts to kiss Blaine while not breathing through his nose. He finds it kind of funny, the sacrifices his poor husband has to make for his job.

Of all the directions Kurt saw his career at Vogue going, he could have never foreseen this one.

Kurt recently earned a promotion, one that helped fund their move from the quaint (but ultimately unsafe) Bushwick loft they had been so fond of to an Upper East Side apartment. Instead of just being Isabelle Wright’s assistant, Kurt got his own feature online and in every magazine. He describes it as a cross between Queer Eye and The View, with a dash of Fashion Police thrown in, which gives Kurt an opportunity to showcase his impeccable style, but also let his catty flag soar. For the most part, he comes up with his own topic ideas, but every so often Isabelle will read an article on the Women’s Health website or watch a BuzzFeed video that makes a lightbulb go off in her head. She’ll inbox Kurt and boom. That’s his topic for the month.

Every time he texts Blaine one of Isabelle’s ideas, along with the tagline, “Sorry, honey, but it’s for work,” Blaine knows that he’s in for one interesting night.

Today’s assignment – post-workout sex is the best sex ever!

The second Blaine read that, he knew this was going to be challenging, to say the least.

Kurt doesn’t particular like to be intimate when they’re sweaty. He’s gotten better the past few years about handling his germaphobia (traveling the New York subway system twice daily will do that for you), but getting sweaty while intimate is something he tries to avoid. And when it does happen, he strips the sheets off the bed and hops straight into the shower.

“Do you know how much bacteria there is in sweat?” he once scolded Blaine when Blaine suggested that they leave it till morning. “We’ll both be covered in bacne by the time we wake up, and that’s not something I want to deal with!”

But for this assignment, Kurt went all out, which is to say he booked two hours with a personal trainer willing to take on both of them at one of the toughest, hardcore gyms in New York – Dogpound - and run them through the paces of a professional boxer/MMA fighter/figure skater/pro tennis player. Their trainer had them doing squats galore, swinging kettlebells, flipping tractor tires, and whipping ropes with few to no breaks in between. He even had them throw on gloves and spar one another in the boxing ring.

Kurt and Blaine haven’t had a good history going head to head, but now that they’re in a better place in their relationship, this time, it was hot as fuck!

When they were finished, they were both sweaty, sore … and ready to go.

They would have made a scene, climbing all over one another in the subway car home, if it wasn’t packed like a sardine can. But even that – having to wait, the anticipation, staring at one another within the confines of the crowd, knowing what was to come – was an incredible turn on.

But now that the moment has arrived, Blaine can tell some of Kurt’s enthusiasm has worn off, especially as they begin to undress, the sweat from their clothes literally flying off their bodies, the summer night having kept them uncomfortably moist on the trip home.

“Now, are you sure about this?” Blaine asks as he peels Kurt’s soaking wet tee up his torso.

“Yes …” Kurt replies unconvincingly, but follows up with, “God! If I had a dollar for every time you’ve asked me that before sex, I’d be a Kardashian!”

“I’m just saying we can ease into this. We don’t have to go this hard the first time.”

“So what do you suggest?” Kurt slips his thumbs into Blaine’s waistband, shuddering from the stickiness underneath.

“Maybe a jog?” Blaine says, removing his husband’s shirt the rest of the way with a little more finesse. “A nice, easy jog around the block. That should get our hearts pumping, don’t you think?”

Kurt considers it while Blaine pulls down his running shorts, dropping small pecks along Kurt’s hips as he does his best to seduce him. And Kurt tries to let him, tries to get lost in the tantalizing sensation of those teasing kisses as the travel towards his crotch, recalling the words of the articles he read while doing his “research”.

Point one: after a workout – especially an intense workout like the one they just had – their hormones are going haywire.

That he believes. Watching Blaine punch a bag for the first time since high school – his muscles bulging, shoulders tensing, brow furrowed in concentration – made Kurt so damned hard that taking his turn on the rowing machine was torture!

Which was point number two. Exercise increases blood flow, even south of the equator.

After watching Blaine give his all flipping tires down the street, watching other men and women at the gym eye him covetously knowing that they got to look but Kurt got to touch, so much of Kurt’s blood had migrated south, his head began to spin.

But point three – that’s the point he’s stuck on.

The point where the scent coming off their bodies might increase sexual attraction.

Blaine always smells good, even when he sweats, but that’s, in part, due to the maximum strength deodorant and the body spray he wears. But the articles Kurt read went deeper into the science behind smell as it pertained to exercise.

When you sweat, they said, your body is releasing bacteria that's breaking down the sweat molecules.

…

Yuck. 

And at the current time, Blaine is heading recklessly for the one spot on Kurt’s body that had been hidden not only by his workout clothes, but his underwear. Underwear he’d been wearing all … day … long. A dark, warm, humid place, like a petri dish, where yeasts and germs may be lurking, waiting for their chance to blossom because Kurt waited a half-an-hour too long to take a shower.

When Blaine finally reaches it - buries his nose over Kurt’s cock and breathes in deep, starting to take him in his mouth – Kurt recoils, so grossed out by the thought of Blaine’s face in that bedlam of microorganisms that he not only leaps back, but shoves his poor husband hard enough to send him sprawling on his back.

“Kurt!”

Blaine stares up at Kurt in shock, eyes dancing with a laugh he’s just barely holding back as Kurt wails, “I … I can’t! We’re just so sweaty!”

“I know, I know. That’s okay.” Blaine rolls to his knees and rises to his feet. “At least you tried.”

“But tried isn’t good enough! I have to do! I have to do, and I have to write about it for next month’s issue! Or else … or else …”

Or else … nothing really, he realizes. If he tells Isabelle he failed to pull this off, she’d laugh like crazy, but let him pick his own topic to replace this one. No harm, no foul. It’s the principle of the thing. Kurt doesn’t like to admit defeat.

And admitting defeat over kinky, filthy sex with his husband – that’s plain embarrassing.

“You have the week,” Blaine reminds him, laying a comforting hand on his husband’s shoulder. Well, not really. He makes the gesture, letting his hand hover above – a show of support without triggering Kurt with any further sweaty contact. “We’ll get another chance.” Blaine bites his lower lip, grinning while a thought of how they can solve his husband’s dilemma pops into his head. “Besides, there still might be a way we can swing post-workout sex without all the sweat.”

Kurt arches an eyebrow. He would cross his arms, but he doesn’t even want to touch himself. “How?”

“If we do it in the shower.”

“You’re brilliant!” Kurt grins, his eyes alight with the possibilities. He leans in to kiss Blaine’s cheek, but stops short when he sees a bead of sweat coagulated in the spot. He blows him that one, silently promising to make up for it in five minutes. “And that’s why I married you.”