#and the fifth one i just couldn't start dating again because of the pandemic. (i've had more BFOs but i'm not counting them)

[mrsmarlasinger]

OH. Is that why a fruity-girl-and-her-straight-boyfriend-and-the-repressed-bisexual-female-protagnoist love triangle (but it's not really a love triangle because they have weird throuple vibes and they all wanna fuck each other) shows up in TWO of my three novels 🤨

Willow made out with four people in Flesh because she was in love with Bliss and Elijah and Veronica and Boyfriend Oliver all at once; the Haven trio is a fucking powder keg of sexual tension in like six different ways. This is a Trope™ for me, which is perhaps very...telling.

I continue to learn new things about myself through my own writing goddammit

So I've been wondering for at least a year if I might be polyamorous, and today on my birthday my queue dredged up two posts that mention polyamory. Perhaps 'tis a sign

[realmeisstuff]

This is me, but who am I?

For 24 years, I've lived to please others, follow certain standards and meet people's expectations. It made me a very calculated and uptight person. I go by the rules and plan is always a must.

I've listened too much to other people, especially my parents, and now I realize that I haven't really lived for myself. I don't really know who I am.

This pandemic made me reflect on so many things especially to those I've hidden deep within my heart. And today, I wanted to listen to myself and express the things I haven't said before.

Growing up, people tell my mom that I was boyish, and she tried all ways to change me into someone feminine. I don't blame her though, she was just doing what she think is right for me.

During my elementary days, I first had a huge crush on my sister's classmate, and she's a girl, when my mom found out, she told me that it was just an admiration, because she's pretty, and I believed her like I always do.

2 years later, I also had a crush on a boy during third grade, and my mom was so proud of me for finally liking a boy.

During fifth grade, we transferred to the province, and there I met a guy who became my biggest crush in elementary, but I never did anything for him to notice me.

In sixth grade, I met a girl, she was a transfer student from Singapore. At first, she was very shy, but when we finally had a chance to talk, we became close immediately. She's very beautiful, so almost all the guys wanted to date her.

When she became friendly with almost everyone, I started feeling jealous. And maybe that's why I pretended to be my cousin, and texted her as if I was a boy. I also gave her letters using special stationary, until she finally decided that she wanted me to be her boyfriend, but on one condition, I have to see her first.

I panicked, because it meant that I had to tell her the truth. I came up with reasons why I cannot meet her, just to delay cutting the special connection that we had.

One day, she saw the stationary, that I used for her letters, inside my bag, and she confronted me if I was "my cousin". I panicked, and told her that my cousin gave it to me, and asked me to tell her that he will go somewhere far, and that they will never be able to communicate again. She had that knowing look in her eyes, maybe she knew that I was lying, but I didn't know why I did the things I did. Our friendship slowly drifted apart ever since that day, and I know that I was the one to blame.

When I was in highschool, I was so focused in academics, because I have to prove my father wrong. All eyes were on me, and during that time I had to be almost perfect.

Highschool was also the time when I've learned about gender identity crisis, but I didn't question myself despite my doubts, because it was also during highschool when I fell for guys.

College came, and that's when I met Ann, one of the first people I met in the university. She's smart, funny and beautiful, we clicked almost immediately. I was able to tell her my life stories, but one of the first memorable things that happened between us was when she cried when she heard about the struggles I had during highschool, and why I ended taking up nursing despite wanting a different course. I wasn't even crying when I told her, but she did.

One time, I brought her to my boarding house, and we spent hours chatting. I didn't know how we ended up talking about me not experiencing my first kiss, and that's when she asked me if I wanted to practice it with her. It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for my heart beating faster, my mind panicking and weird sensations I felt when she said that. I refused her offer, but I could never forget that day.

It was expected that she would have many friends because of her personality, but I wasn't ready for the jealousy that I felt.I started questioning myself if I was attracted to her. I got so confused that jokingly I asked my older sister for advice, but I didn't know that she would tell mom about it.

My mom asked me about it, and again told me the cons of being different from "normal", she's not angry, but I can see the disappointment in her eyes, and the hope that I wouldn't become like that. And I love her so so much that I couldn't bear breaking her heart because of my selfishness, and for these kind of feelings that might never be reciprocated. And so I stayed away from Ann, without telling her why.

After that, I became "normal" again by being attracted to guys and even having a boyfriend. Any doubts in my mind were easily forgotten because of my college life. Although during one of my drunken moments, I asked my lesbian classmate if I should consider being a lesbian (as if it could be chosen), and she told me, "If you have a choice, don't. It's difficult to live this way." That left a mark.

But then 3rd year came, we were required to open up and dig deep within ourselves for our psych rotation. At first, I already decided on what to share, but of course it would be very limited because I don't like sharing things about me. Before my turn, my gay classmate opened up how he came out to his parents and accepted that he's gay. I didn't know why that gave me courage to speak out about the confusion I have ever since.

I was trembling as I told them my story, and my doubts, and how I can't explore, because I might find the confirmation and that it would break my mother's heart. They we're all shocked, because I never showed anything that would make them doubt my preference, and that's how I realize how good I was at hiding myself.

But then, my prof told me that I should seek and find out who I am, but her next advice hurts me a little bit, she said that if possible, she hope that I would prefer a guy, because it's a shame to waste my genes. And all of my groupmates, agreed.

College became tougher, and I was so focused on my ambition that I've disregarded the need to explore and find what relationship I wanted. It was easier to focus on my career, and relationship became unimportant for me. I would rather be single and stay independent.

Many things happened, and I was considering to stay single for life, because I felt that it was easier. Also, it would give me more chance to give back to my parents and give them the life they wanted for me.

I even learned how to ignore the attraction that I've felt towards my senior nurse, until she resigned, and I wouldn't see her anymore.

I felt that I was already happy just being with my family. But then life started to change, I had to move away from home so that I could be closer to my workplace. My sisters got boyfriends, and this pandemic makes me overthink a lot.

I was scared of dying without giving myself a chance to love, and be loved for who I really am. I was scared to lose the opportunity to face my true self.

Who are you Mei? Would you ever experience real love?