#and the fact that I've been studying for my midterms since 9 pm and its 1 am rn

[yeaimfishboi]

a small update

I know this is kinda weird for you guys (it’s really weird for me) hearing from me after over 2 weeks but yet here I am. (I’m going to put this here and mention it even though I barely talk about it but TW Mental Health and Abuse Mentions)

I’m here for two reasons: 1. An update on me and how I’m doing and 2. To Give you some sort of explanation. (I’m going to put a read more but I’d say read it)

An Update:

I’m doing as well as I can be right now. School’s been doing pretty okay lately, but I’m dealing with harder classes as of right now so school and work take up almost 90% of my time. And with Midterms being literally within breathing distance of me rn, I’m struggling a bit. But other than that I’ve been doing some things! I started Keto again and am enjoying it so far, this time around I’m focusing on finding a balance between all my nutrients so I feel a little bit better. I’ve also gotten back into dancing and am loving it. I also had a coworker to offered to swim laps with me to get me back into the pool. And I’ve also picked up one of my instruments for the first time in a year and a half so yay! (haven’t done much though)

But most importantly something happened that I believe will be a really big turning point into my mental health recovery. For the first time ever I said (out loud mind you, like totally fucking randomly, in my car) “I forgive you” to my abusers. Something I never thought was humanly possible for me. (I’ll post the poem I wrote shortly after) 

So I am quite proud of myself in that regard.

An Explanation: 

I know this hiatus really came out of nowhere. I’ve been on here for almost 3 years and have never truly been on “hiatus”. Two weeks ago I kind of hit a rough spot. I was driving to school on solid ice and lost control of my car and hit a mailbox. The damage was nothing scary. A scratch to my car and a totaled mailbox. However, I was incredibly emotionally distraught and the thoughts I had regarding the situation set me back almost 3 years back in my recovery period and I felt like everything is out of my control. Within 10 minutes of arriving home, I deleted literally every social media app on my phone out of impulse. And after doing it I realized how toxic my attitude was towards Tumblr. I had lost almost everything I had loved about this site and writing out of fear and complacency. It had gotten to the point where all I cared about was interaction and pumping out works in order to receive said interaction, which was more detrimental than helpful. I lost all motivation and the love for writing that I had 3 years ago. Because 3 years ago I didn’t give a damn what anyone thought since this blog was originally just a way for my friends to view the things I wrote for them whenever they wanted. Whereas just a few weeks ago I spent hours looking at one part I wrote with 3 questions in my mind: “Will people hate me for this?” “Will people take into account my POV before making a judgment?”, “Will it ever be good enough?”. I have been scared for so long to write anything that wasn’t puppies and rainbows out of fear my inbox is going to explode. I’ve also been scared to write anything of a small length out of fear of less interaction. I’ve been scared to write what I want out of fear it won’t get recognized (Take for example Kyber Path and Origin of a New War which got nothing in the way of speak whereas I got a bunch of comments about New Genesis). 

And I officially had my breaking point when it comes to this mindset. I will not sit and let my love for writing dwindle because I let these thoughts consume me. So I told myself that I will not come back until I have regained my passion and love for writing again. 

I am so sorry for the inconvenience to all of you for this but I really hope that by the time I come back you all will be shocked and happy by the changes I have made.

But anyways I wanted to say I’m sorry to all of you for the sudden disengagement and thank you to you all for standing by me in this time of need.

I also want to say thank you to my amazing mutuals for all the help and kindness they have given me, and even if you didn’t know I was gone, here's a little thank you to all the kind words, virtual hugs, and inspiration you all have given me. I love you so much and I hope that when I return you all can be proud of the new me. 

Anyways I love you all (again), and I am so grateful for all you have given me.

“Live Long and Prosper”

-Century