#and the drunkard responds in despair 'that i'm ashamed!'

[firelord-frowny]

I finally did it, I finally Forreal Actual This Time emailed my therapist to ask about restarting therapyyyyyy

and in the same moment, I realized at least one reason why my productivity/effort to build my reputation as a reliable authority on violin education/technique/practice grinded to neck-snapping halt several months ago.

y’all.

my room.

is a DISASTER. An embarrassing disaster. Which, I mean, I’ve never been a tidy person, and tbh, as much as a disaster my room has been for the past several months, it’s still WAY better than I used to leave it when I was like 18ish and prior. 

But anyway, shortly after all the quarantine shit began, I completely cleaned out my room for the first time in years. Like, I went IN on this bitch. Packed up a bunch of old/unused stuff and put it in the attic. Gathered old clothes and donated them. Pulled all my furniture away from the walls and cleaned under/behind everything. Moved my bed to the other side of the room, nearer to the window (which was a BRILLIANT idea omfg). Cleaned my fish tank. Took everything out of my drawers and re-organized. Vacuumed. Dusted. 

It was immaculate! and I was SO pleased with myself. 

This was also around the same time that I’d begun putting more time and effort into recording violin stuff, and I did it in my room. Didn’t have to worry about waiting until the living room was empty. Didn’t have to worry about my dad or brother walking in and seeing me record and me feeling embarrassed about it because they’re both assholes who like to put me down every time they see me Doing Something that involves me focusing on myself in some way shape or form. 

But then my room started to get messy. And I’d think about recording, but then I’d be like ~nah, my room is dirty, i need to wait until after i clean it.~ 

but then the embarrassment and disappointment i felt in myself for letting it get dirty again just fucking obliterated my resolve. i was too fucking depressed about the fact that my room was dirty to clean my dirty room!* And so I just fucking quit creating content ever since. 

the thing that even brought me to this revelation is the fact that over the last few days I’ve been slowly cleaning my room. It looks SO much better now. The floor is still, uh, Not Good, but all of my surfaces are cleared and cleaned, my bed sheets are neat and freshly washed, and the pile of junk that had been causing my mattress to hang partially off of the bed frame is gone. 

all of a sudden, i feel like recording videos. 

all of a sudden, when the thought of making a cover or a tutorial or quartet arrangement crosses my mind, i’m not immediately plagued with the “but my room is dirty” thought. 

And ya know what finally kicked me into gear and got me to start cleaning????

my mom said she was gonna clean my room. She’s a Very Tidy Person and she’s been so bothered for YEARS that there are hella messy areas in our house. Basically, all of the common areas are well kempt, because she’s vigilant about keeping it that way. But the spaces that aren’t common? My room? My brother’s room? The garage? My dad’s ~office~ in the basement?

fucking disasters. 

and in the case of my own room, she told me in no uncertain terms that she was finally just gonna deal with it herself since I CLEARLY wasn’t going to. 

and then BAM, suddenly I’m cleaning my room. 

Bc like... 

1) my mommy has enough shit to do without also having to clean up after me,

and

2) there is no way in heaven or hell or earth or purgatory that I’m gonna be a whole 27 gotdamn years old with my MOM cleaning MY ROOM. Nope. Nu uh. Never. NEVER. If there’s one fucking thing that I can manage to be responsible about despite my many other shortcomings, it’s gonna be the maintenance of my room. not gonna burden anyone else with that. period. 

anyway, my moon lamps look so nice on my perfectly clean chest of drawers. <3