#and the break/different work is essentially juuuust enough for her to hold on

[hirokiyuu]

besk/instance, swap au

She'd been halfway through tying the last knot on her noose when her communicator had blared suddenly, red-alert, emergency emergency emergency, and now ten years later Besk's still breathing with Instance's corpse long since gone to feed the flowers. The new ship crashes, the soldiers file out, and quietly from the back of the crowd Besk watches as narrowed eyes scan the crush of people fruitlessly. Bit late there, she thinks, and in the back of her mind she can still hear that harsh crowing laugh, Instance's final victory.

[phoenix-angel-suyari]

I was gonna make a post about something else entirely, but I am so freaking angry I can’t breathe. So we’re gonna talk about this instead. 

Under a cut so people can get on with their days. 

I am a grown ass adult. Let’s just start there. Because for all my damn family want me to do the grown up shit like own a house and get married and have babies, they refuse to fucking treat me like a grown ass adult. Ever since I started going to therapy, I have been not necessarily healing, but maybe just shifting. Changing. My therapist is starting to help me figure out how to take back my life from their control so I can break free once and for all in a way they can’t undo. This however, is making it very difficult to live. And she is aware of this. We’ve discussed this. She warned me there’d be push back and I’d have to remain strong and hold my ground and I am trying so damn hard. But, like, I am unemployed and I have no money - I know, I know we’ve heard all this before; it bears repeating for the validity of this post - so I’m kind of stuck, like, seriously stuck. 

I have attempted to get out before and suffice it to say, it’s never worked out. My therapist knows about this as well, though whether or not she remembers is an entirely different thing - and we’re getting off track. Anyway, regardless, I have started to be stubborn about things. Little things, here and there, sort of where I can get away with them. But, in some cases - as ridiculous as this may sound, especially given the above statement of being a grown ass adult - there are still situations where I have to bend. 

So, all of this is backstory so you can understand the current issue. 

I can’t pay my Amazon Prime membership. I’ve been a member since the launch of Prime thereabouts, and I’ve always governed it myself, because I could afford it. When I lost my last job, I was able to pay for it for about two years - without changing over, because I had NO IDEA that was an option, so I was paying FULL PRICE - before I couldn’t afford it anymore. My mother offered to pay it, because she couldn’t be bothered to have/manage an account and I basically became her Amazon secretary. Which worked out for me, because I was able to maintain my Prime privileges all at the cost of being an Amazon monkey whenever she wanted/needed something. 

My mom retired last year juuuust before covid rolled in and forced everyone to stay home. Last year, incidentally, I learned that I qualified for the $5/month Prime plan, so we switched to that because it was cheaper and worked for everyone. However, my mother has been wanting access to the account. And I get that she pays for it, however, that’s not why she wants it. She wants it as a means to keep tabs on me and spy on me and control me. So, no, I’ve not given it to her. She started to claim she’d stop paying for it and I called that bluff and now we’re at another crossroads. Because I would like to buy my nephew a birthday present, and I don’t have enough money left on my gift card from Christmas to do that. And even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to use the credit I have that expires the 28th, because I have to make a purchase of over $15. 

Side note: For all who recall, this is essentially the garden issue all over again in new form. 

I honestly am so over it. And I absolutely refuse to give on this in any way at this point. Because she can stop paying if she wants. That’s her prerogative. She can absolutely refuse to accommodate any of the necessities I require. She can threaten me all she damn well pleases. I know if I give in now, I’ll never prove to her that I can and will be free of her. 

I just wish I had more traction from which to do so. It’s easier to fight when you have some security, you know? 

Anyway, we just had an argument on the phone because I called her three damn times and she ignored my calls. Only to call and tell my aunt to have me call her back - because she couldn’t wait on the phone? And when I called her back, she didn’t even hear out the reason I called her. Just gave me an ultimatum about the Amazon account and I was like, ‘Well fine. Then he doesn’t get a birthday present’ and hung up on her. 

But, I am like shaking and I’m really angry, but I’m also anxious as fuck, like there will be some consequence for this insubordination. And I can’t relax. 

I missed a session last week due to the weather and a mix up, if you’ll all recall. If not, it’s there under #my life if you wanna catch up. So when we were setting dates for new ones, I asked my therapist if I’d get penalized for missing it. Instead of answering me, my therapist asked me, “What do you think will happen if you miss a session?” And I legit started crying. “I know there’s a three strikes and you get dropped policy,” I replied, trying not to sob and feeling like an idiot. She replied, “Yes, that’s true. And you’re very punctual. You’re very good at following rules and doing what’s expected of you. But, what do you think will happen if that did happen?” And I said, “I won’t be able to come see you and talk to you.” She answered, “If that happens, all you have to do is reapply. That’s it. You just reapply.” And then she asked me how I was feeling and explained to me more about my abuse response and I’m supposed to come up with a list of things for next session to see what we can work on. 

But this, this is exactly it. Like, this is why. I don’t get room to breathe. It’s psychological warfare 24/7. Even when there’s significant distance between us. hell, ESPECIALLY when. 

I should probably call my therapist, but I know I won’t. I’m seeing her next week anyway. We can talk about it then. 

I just hate everything about this. 

[rokachan]

💅

Roka stopped by the Meow for a few drinks on her way home, greeted by a very drunk Myra. By the time the auri had her couple piestebites and was ready to leave, Myra had a different plan.

Drunk Myra was affectionate, and Roka had found herself snared in an aggressive cuddle. She wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing that the catte had decided she was essentially harmless, and given that the Seeker probably could break Roka in half if she tried, Roka decided it best to just go with the flow. It didn’t seem like Myra was after a swiv, oddly, and Roka -was- a glutton for affection. Surely it couldn’t hurt to indulge in a little cuddling, right?

More Drunk Myra plans unfolded. Myra outweighed her, and the big Seeker had hauled the Raen down and pinned her under the muscled mass of catte to rub on and rumble throaty purrs. Eventually Myra fell asleep, head pillowed on Roka’s not particularly meaty thigh, arms and legs wrapped around her victim, and ultimately no escape until she woke or rolled over.

At first she wasn’t sure what to do. She waited. And waited. And waited.

Myra snored loudly.

Roka got bored.

She wormed a hand into her pockets and fished out three small bottles, lining them up in front of her and shifting herself juuuust enough to manage access to Myra’s right hand. Her thumb got a white coat. Her middle a black. The rest saw a dark pink base. Myra stirred enough to freeze the Raen, but snoring resumed loud enough to rattle her horns, and back to work she went. Carefully she tipped her claw in paint and drew. Black stars and a pink cat outlined on the thumb. Black diamonds peppered the pink beneath a white skull on her index. White streaks marred the black base of her middle in a gritty splatter before a pink heart was added over top.

Roka was having fun.

A black and white star were whipped out on Myra’s ring finger, and finally her pinky saw a white lip print scribbled near the tip. Trilling as she admired her work, Myra was accidentally roused. Even drunk she was well aware her fingers felt -WRONG- and as she released her hold on Roka to examine, the Raen hastily grabbed her bottles and bolted with either hopes Myra would like it, be amused, or be too off-kilter from the alcohol to manage to regain her feet and give chase quickly enough.

She’d make some extra spicy meatpies in apology.

And leave them on the counter when Myra wasn’t around.

At least until she was sure she wasn’t in for a mauling.