#and the answer is... mindbody works differently and this process is as much about learning that as it is about planning an event

[variousqueerthings]

smthinsmthin when considering my mindbody's inability to conform to the grind simply because it struggles to be productive or function on things at all, outside of a complex set of understandings/calculations it makes around spark of inspiration at the moment in time when not exhausted plus some kind of sense of urgency minus guilt = ability to do thing (calculation goes up if replacing inspiration for motivation perhaps?)

there is also the variable that has the guilt take the place of inspiration or time, as we all know when the guilt takes over it's the anxiety's turn to take the wheel - less great than inspiration or motivation + adds to exhaustion

anyway, my mindbody cannot conform to the grind, cannot even mask the grind, has tried, has barely scraped through basic work hours, not good for the things I want to do of course, because exhaustion levels so high, but

it's still quite nice to know that my mindbody categorically refuses the capitalist mindset, not even on a political, philosophical level (although that too), but on a simple physical nope. we're in agreement on that inside the mindbody. it wants more rest, regardless of anything else, it cannot be forced to do anything else, have tried. no good on a survival level, for sure, but not incorrect. have a great deal of affection for this, although there are still mechanisms that are being worked out around functioning at all outside of bursts of inspiration or anxiety (both of which don't work great for memory/loss, sustainable functionality/exhaustion, emotional regulation etc). and the guilt, how to speak gently to the guilt and remind oneself that even it is there to try and help, albeit by making the mindbody feel sick

reading about crip time does wonders for the guilt