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johnbierce · 9 months ago

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Hello. New account here. Some time back in 2020-2021 someone introduced me to Mage Errant. I knew nothing about progression fantasy but I took to the series like fish to water. I loved the exploration of magic and every type of it that could be done in the setting, I loved the adventures, most of all I loved the camaraderie and true found family elements.

My ask is mostly this. Your books have been representative of your socialist beliefs especially at the end in Last Echo of the Lord of The Bells, based on that what advice do you have for writers who want to write fantasy that's representative of people in today's social climate? Also, what advice do you have on avoiding appropriating BIPOC struggles and resistance in writing when writing BIPOC characters (that is, avoiding white saviourism and propagandized "all resistance fighters are terrorists" themes) especially when it comes to a setting of resisting systems of oppression and colonial rule?

I'm really glad you enjoyed Mage Errant, that's great to hear! And that my socialism came through well! (Though I do use a few anarchist tools of analysis too, their tools are great.) As for your ask... first off, gonna link you to this fantastic essay by Cory Doctorow ( @mostlysignssomeportents ) https://locusmag.com/2020/05/cory-doctorow-rules-for-writers/. It's what he sent me when I emailed him asking if he had any advice for combining activism with fiction a few years back, and though short, it was deeply useful. (I like to paraphrase it as "the rules exist not to tell you what you can't do, but what is harder to do.")

What I'm getting at is that if you want to get good at writing representative fantasy, it's gonna be a ton of hard work and practice. There's no right answer here, just learning to execute it well. That said, I do have a few more specific tips as well, because specific tips are always nice. Though... fair warning, it's a lot of work.

Read history. No, more history. MORE. Seriously, you want to really nail this, I recommend that you have at least the equivalent of a university history minor. And that's the bare minimum.

Study politics and political philosophy. More reading, woo! Dive hard into James C Scott, Naomi Klein, David Graeber, Howard Zinn, Rebecca Solnit, maybe even some Foucault. (If you've got the grit to dive into old-school leftist theory, more power to you, but ngl, I struggle with that stuff.) And find voices from the communities and peoples you're learning about, if at all possible!

Spend some time exploring art history on both sides of colonial divides. You don't need to go super hard on this one, but get an idea of what sort of art oppressors and oppressed were producing at, because, in spite of, in denial of, and for one another. Learning the facts is one thing, but learning the feeling? The art's worth its weight in gold.

Read and watch after-the-fact mythmaking- from both sides. Movies, comics, shows, whatever! I'm personally biased towards myths from the oppressed/resistors, but myths from the oppressors after the fact are valuable too. Understanding the ways in which people talk about these events decades or more later, how they choose what to and to not remember is valuable! And there's no one standard way people choose to frame these issues. There is, for instance, surprisingly little rancor in Vietnam towards America these days. (I once asked my wife- who is Vietnamese born and raised- about it, and her response was "of course we don't resent Americans, we kicked your ass!" Which, fair!)

Study relevant economics. There's a TON of texts about colonial economics out there- the aforementioned David Graeber goes heavily into it in Debt: The First 5000 Years. Thomas Piketty touches on it, the historian John Keay deals heavily with it, etc. And ELINOR OSTROM. Hell yes Elinor Ostrom. There's a reason she's one of the few empirical economists to win the "Nobel" in Economics, despite the field's resistance to empiricism, leftists, and field research. Governing the Commons is just that damn brilliant. Amazing examination of how communities use and maintain their shared resources without government oversight, colonial or otherwise.

(You'll notice a LOT of overlap between the history, economics, and political philosophy covering these topics- honestly, many of the best authors working in these fields could be shuffled between the categories freely.)

Study the harmful tropes you want to watch out for. Easier to spot the pitfalls if you're looking for them. Sounds like you're already on the right track there!

Find beta/sensitivity readers with relevant experience. (And, you know, pay them. Either in kind- lotta writers out there willing to trade beta reads- or in cash.) You want to do a good job? You're gonna have to do a ton of work, no way around it. And some even more specific writing tips:

Allow oppressed peoples in your books to be bastards. Don't valorize anyone, let everyone in your books just be people. Flawed, messy people with conflicting values.

Do your best to introduce a sense of complexity in the history of both cultures before oppression.

Greed as a motive is your friend. It's so easy to make believable colonial oppressors with a bit of greed.

Portray the oppressors using the exact harmful tropes you're looking to avoid as propaganda. This one's a bit risky, of course, if you execute it improperly it can seem like promotion of the harmful trope, but if you pull it off successfully, it's a fantastic way to examine and avoid the trope. It's basically an advanced level of lampshading. (Lord, I love lampshading as an author.)

Hope some of this is helpful!

#writing advice #fantasy worldbuilding #representation

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hussyknee · 1 year ago

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I just needed to tell you that I love your comments on the harry potter post in defense for neurodivergent and disabled adults. (I’m anonymous because of people in my own community, including a close friend who reblogged that post)

I’m trans, im neurodivergent, i have anxiety any time I leave my home because of these two things and the last thing I wanted was to feel anxious in my own spaces because of the shit I enjoy

anyway I was really happy to see your comments. Thank you

I'm so glad it helped you! Thank you so much for telling me! I needed to hear that. The whole discourse triggers the hell out of me, so I just feel icky and embarrassed when I disengage, and begin to wonder what I'm missing that makes so many people I otherwise like and respect jump on this media-stigmatizing wagon. It's really hard to parse objectively because this stuff triggers the hell out of my OCD and CPTSD.

But that's exactly why I hang on so much to my principles and ethics– I can't rely on my feelings to judge what's right. I can't tell whether I'm being attacked or one of my beliefs are being challenged. So I keep going over the way I arrived at them–obsessively going over them–and it all checks out. But this one thing being treated like the exception to all the rules makes me feel like I'm being gaslit on my whole ethical process. It feels like stumbling around in the dark.

All I know is that I know one trans autistic person with OCD who has to deal with their own community policing and stigmatizing their special interest that's been a coping mechanism and defining fandom experience for them since they were a kid. I think I could manage to shut up more about the whole issue on my own behalf if I didn't know them, and realized how many others like them there must be. But even if they're the only disabled trans person that has to take the brunt of this unfairness, that's still one too many. And if it hurts people like us who have done nothing wrong other than being unable to detach from the safety of our childhood obsessions because of the way our brains are wired, then that's just ableist and unethical by every metric.

I'm so sorry your friend hurt you like that. I've broken up with some of my closest friends for the same reason. It's great to empathize with suffering people, but empathising selectively is profoundly ego-centric and self-serving. And if you can't explain how your own rules don't apply to a situation, it should be a warning that you're getting carried away on self-righteousness and the social media outrage machine.

#harry potter #asks #anon #knee of huss #social justice #purity culture

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lgbtqasks · 2 years ago

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Hi!

Disclaimer: this is probably going to be a long ask and I'm sorry, I'm just sort of confused and don't know where else to ask. It might also be utterly ridiculous.

So, up until now, I was sure I'm straight (I'm a girl). Then, last year, I discovered LGBTQ+ literature, and became like 100% invested; I started searching for books and series with LGBT characters, gay ships and stuff, and I've noticed that almost all my OTPs are mlm or wlw, and like whenever someone mentions LGBTQ I feel excited and focus there etc. I also spend a lot of time searching and learning things about the community, and as I said I feel so invested even though I don't know whether I'm part of it.

Now to my personal experiences, all my crushes were boys -I've actually had a crush on a boy since last November- and I've never been attracted to a girl. But this year at school there is a certain girl, whom I'm pretty sure I don't have a crush on, but everyday I think about what it would be to be in a relationship with. The thing is, I don't feel I like her (and I'm sure I like that guy), but I think about it really often.

I searched a bit about bi-curiosity, and I thought that might be me for now, but since I can't really "experiment" I have no idea. Also, when I think about being in a relationship with a guy it feels really awkward, but I think that if I were to go out with a girl, I would feel better about it. Is it possible that I have been influenced by something, and all this is just in my head? I think I want to be bisexual, but I don't know if I actually am??

Omg I feel so ridiculous about this, I'm sorry for the big pile of nonsense in your ask box. You don't have to answer, of course, I'm just pretty confused and can't talk to anyone about it. Thanks 😔😔

hi there!

thank you for the ask. please don't feel like you have to apologize for it, i'm glad you sent it in. there is nothing ridiculous about what you're feeling.

i have to admit, when i read this, i had to laugh about it for a minute because my best friend is going through almost exactly what you are dealing with. it's interesting to hear that your situations are so similar.

while i can't tell you how to feel or what your sexuality is, i think that there is a very good chance that you might be feeling pulled towards questioning yourself for a reason. now, i know that a lot of people question their sexuality and sometimes it turns out that they are straight and them questioning doesn't turn into anything, but a lot of times, it can be a signal for yourself to lean into this confusing time. straight people don't spend a lot of time wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with the same sex. they don't usually feel like a relationship with the same sex would feel better to them.

as for the LGBTQIA+ media, when you think about these relationships that you are into, ask yourself: what about these relationships do i like? is it because of the actual relationship; the way they work well together, or because they treat each other well, or you like how they act together? or is it because they are mlm or wlw? if it's the latter, then i would say that's a little bit telling on why you like these relationships so much. if it's the first question, you might just like these relationships because they show you who you'd like in a relationship.

learning more about the community and LGBTQIA+ issues and involving yourself in these topics may be allowing you to come to discover things about yourself. you said you felt invested in them, which is great, but it also might be pulling you in because a part of you might resonate with these topics. i know when i was discovering myself, i'd see a topic within this community and go "hey! that sounds like something i've experienced before".

being bi-curious is not a bad thing. i think a lot of people start out that way. even if you aren't bisexual, there's nothing wrong with questioning it to a certain degree. but when it's all consuming and it's what you think about a lot of the time, it's not for nothing.

i know for a lot of people, having experience or being able to experiment can really validate and confirm whether or not they are or are not a part of the community, but i don't think you need it to be curious about it and to explore it in your own way.

as for the girl, the first girl that i ever liked started out the same way you're describing in your experience. i didn't realize that i actually did like her until years later. i wondered what it would be like to date her and thought that i could be such a great partner to her if i was a boy. i didn't realize until later that it meant i liked her.

one of the things that i think sometimes stops people from thinking they like someone is the feelings they get when they are around them or when they think about them. we associate butterflies in our stomach as attraction and nervousness because we think we like someone. but sometimes, the people you feel the most calm around tend to be the people we actually like and would be good with.

if being in a relationship with a boy doesn't sound all that appealing to you, it might just be the certain boy you think you have a crush on isn't someone you would enjoy being in a relationship with or it could just mean that boys really aren't it for you. and that's ok. and even if you do find that you meet a guy that you really like and you can see yourself dating, you might still be bisexual. you might meet a girl the next day and be really feeling her energy and might be really interested in her too.

my advice is to lean into this curiosity that you have. it seems like you are going through a confusing time, and i feel for you. but you don't have to decide right now. and if you ever get a chance to explore your feelings for women, i think that's great. and if it doesn't develop like you thought it might, then that's ok too. experimenting is not an end all, be all. you might change your mind about everything.

give yourself the space and the grace to learn about yourself and to discover who you are. i hope this helped. feel free to message me if you need to talk more :)

#asks #lgbtq asks #lgbtqia2+

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nixie-writes · 2 years ago

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Hey hey! You’re lovely vamp reader here! I loved those requests! Thank you so much! Is it cool if I send you some fun requests your way? If possible, I got one for you.

GN! Reader/Hazbin Staff and Angel with a sinner with powers of the Night and Lunar Magic that’s primordial. Think of Nyx, Stolas, or Selene (Moon Goddess) type.

Hello, great to see you again! I'm always happy to hear your ideas, and I'm glad you like what I put out, it means a lot! Okay, I HAVE to take this on with a reader who's associated with Astrology because I haven't studied it for six years for nothing I could read my chart to you without missing a beat- plus Astrology is kinda primordial I suppose? It does have magic roots and such. And Stolas, in Demonology, does hold dominion over Astrology I believe. If you want me to do this differently let me know! Gender neutral pronouns used, under the cut for length and possible triggers. TW: brief mention of alcohol (Husk), I don't believe there's any other triggers but let me know if I need to add any.

Alastor - He's never been too interested in things that aren't pheasable. If he can't see it or touch it, he doesn't understand it. That's where [Y/N] comes in! - They would start by casually asking for his birthday, to which he'd definitely refuse to state, and they'd guess at his chart. He'd blow it off at first but, over time, get curious. - So he'd ask questions, and they would dump info on him about things he didn't even ask about. Who is this Chiron and what do they have to do with all this? He just wanted to know why they were throwing all these funky words at him now he's getting a lecture. - Despite being a sinner, they have influence over Astrology on a broad basis and use it to their advantage, taking into account other sinners' charts to understand them better and appeal to them. - Over time Alastor comes around to the idea of it, though he still doesn't understand it and isn't necessarily interested in learning too much, but he likes the idea of having an accomplice with a unique ability to help him persuade others into deals with him.

Angel Dust - Angel is probably the second least interested in Astrology, but he'll bite and ask. He gets hit with a host of questions and facts and spends thirty minutes listening to a stranger ramble on about something he's never even heard of before. Why does it matter that his Jupiter is in Gemini he doesn't care. - He will occasionally ask them a question relating to Astrology if he needs to burn some time for any reason but he'll only pay half attention for a while. - It's when he learns that another average sinner can manipulate Astrology that he's actually interested. He wants to see it happen. So he dares them to go pull it off on Husk, and they do. - This is followed by an emotionally distant Husk and Angel laughing his ass off because they exposed Husk for having a Cancer Venus or whatever and they explained it in detail and Husk got defensive and threw a wine bottle at them. - He's not exactly interested in Astrology, nor does he care to learn much about it, but he likes his new friend and their passion and ability with Astrology, and if it makes them happy he has no issue listening to them rant on about something that makes zero sense to him, but he'll try his best.

Husk - In his long life he met a few fortune tellers and what-not who pulled magic tricks by using basic Astrology, so he doesn't expect much when he meets a sinner who claims to have an influence on Astrology. - It's after a five minute conversation that they ask for his birthday and he responds and they yell out, "you're a Capricorn that makes so much sense!" He doesn't give a damn but he'll listen to them go on about him being a Capri Sun or whatever. - He'll try to emulate what they're doing and make a guess at their sign and get it wrong each time. He still thinks it's a magic trick. - He changes his mind, however, when they show their work in action. They're both in a bar, Husk is drunk as hell about to get in a bar fight and they intervene, appealing to the other sinner's most personal feelings and beliefs and calms them down, saying something to the extent of, "your mother wouldn't let you talk like that". Afterwards he asks what it was all about and they simply respond, "oh, their Saturn is in Cancer". If it was a magic trick it was pretty damn convincing. - He'll affectionately refer to them as his little fortune teller, they're always looking at constellations and planet positions and once panicked because Mercury Retrograde was about to happen and he found it hilarious.

Charlie - As the princess of Hell, she's seen many sinners with many different abilities, such as Alastor, but she's yet to meet a sinner with the ability to understand and manipulate Astrology. - She'd ask a lot of questions. Did their obsession with Astrology as a human land them in Hell? What will they do with their knowledge when they're redeemed? - She's too busy to really listen to [Y/N] go on about Astrology, but she finds spare time to listen to tidbits of it. She finds it engaging. - She knows they can manipulate Astrology for their benefit, but kindly requests they not do anything bad with their ability and try to do good things. - Her plan is for them to use their ability to appeal to other sinners trying to redeem themselves, perhaps speak to them on a more personal level and understand them more, then relay that information back to Charlie so she can better work with individual sinners. - Overall Charlie finds it engaging and interesting and, while she doesn't have the spare time to learn too much about it, she thinks a sinner with that kind of power would be useful in helping redeem sinners in the hotel, and kindly requests they join the staff to help her and other program runners understand individual situations from a unique standpoint.

Vaggie - Having been alive during the internet era, she knew a fair bit about Astrology herself, she at least knew a few of her signs or whatever but never took it seriously, it was more of a hobby for her. - Upon meeting a new sinner in the hotel and asking about any special abilities, they responded with the option to manipulate Astrology, and she asked them to elaborate. - "Well you're visibly an Aquarius moon, you likely had mommy issues and right now I'm going to trigger your second house in Sagittarius to make you question why you couldn't get money in only one way." - Immediately Vaggie found herself insecure in how she earned money during life and how she never held down one job because she always chased another and could never stick to one profession. - "Okay, I can see how you make that work. Why do you want to be redeemed?" They would explain that their obsession with Astrology led them to a completely accidental death, and how they wanted to reverse their judgement by using their new ability for a good use to be redeemed. - Vaggie is a little suspicious but lets them join the hotel under a variety of programs. She doesn't ask much of them, only that they don't use their ability to manipulate others or do bad things. - She would see good opportunity in this ability and would hope they would do their best to put it to good use, and actively encourages them to use their ability to help others, but knows they're the only one who can decide what they do with such an ability.

Nifty - She read her horoscope in the newspaper daily, she thought she knew everything about Astrology! Like, she's a Virgo, what else is there? Oh, the entire solar system takes into account? Stars, too? She wants to learn more! - While she's cleaning and cooking she loves to hear them ramble on about different aspects of Astrology and how they make Astrology work in their favor. She especially likes to learn more about her own chart and what it means about her. - She would go out of her way to better understand Astrology, even buying books and other media to learn more. Of course her main source of learning comes from [Y/N]. - She'd try her own hand at Astrology, trying to guess different charts based on others' personalities, and she's usually pretty good at it, which excites her! - She can't manipulate Astrology the way [Y/N] can but she likes to be their wing-woman to help along the way. She doesn't belong to them but she likes to be around when they're doing their Astrology stuff as a second opinion and voice of reason.

#tw alcohol #tw alcohol mention #Hazbin Hotel x reader #Hazbin x reader #Alastor x reader #Angel Dust x reader #Husk x reader #Husker x reader #Charlie x reader #Charlie Morningstar x reader #Vaggie x reader #Nifty x reader #Niffty x reader

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noaltbruh · 2 years ago

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yoooo i’m so glad your requests are open 🤧!! my back hurts so bad rn i need someone to relieve it. can i get some good ol’ fluffy tooth-rotting headcanons for bucciarati? maybe to alleviate the pain with his magic hands? fem pronouns please. oh and btw i’m having a great time reading your works! ✨

AHHHH I'M SO GLAD YOU REQUESTED THIS.

I've been doing nothing but playing Hollow knight for the last two weeks ever since my friend gave it to me for my birthday- I need to go back to writing.

As always, I hope you enjoy and I'm glad to hear that you're having fun on my blog!ヾ(*´∀｀*)ﾉ

Bruno with a S/O struggling with back pain 😔

If you were to hide your pain from Bucciarati, just know it won't last long. He's very attentive to details and easily notices you struggling with your movements or even just walking straight.

He'll wait for you to bring it up yourself, but it doesn't take long before he grows tired of it and directly asks you about it.

Will lick you if you even tried to deny it

He will immediately invite you to sit or lay down, whatever is more comfortable for you, as he goes grab some medicines that should alleviate your pain. He also makes sure to remind you not to take them all at once.

He's going to take care of any sort of errands you would have had to deal with instead. He doesn't want any worries to haunt you as you rest a little.

"Ah, it's alright cara, don't stress that little head of yours, I just want you to get better"

You won't have to say a word, as soon as he's done, he'll place himself behind you, gently putting his hands on your stiff body. They're rather big, but Bruno is a very delicate man, you can feel them reaching every centimeter of your back as he invites you once again to just relax.

You might find yourself completely spacing out or closing your eyes. Bucciarati isn't exactly used to giving massages, but knows very well just what to do to help a person feel at ease.

He will constantly ask you if he's hurting you or if you're feeling any better. Even if you were to answer "yes" to the last statement, don't expect him to stop until you tell him you're satisfied.

He'll even advice you take a warm bath, he's heard it helps a lot with dense muscles and it has always provided him with some comfort after a stressful day. He hopes it'll do the same for you.

Needles to say, he is going to prepare it for you while you're still laying down and will probably help you walk to the bathroom, even if you told him there's no need to.

He won't suggest to bathe with you, as he's afraid that you might not be comfortable with that, but he will gladly join you if you asked him. He's taking it as an opportunity to also spoil you a little, he isn't going to miss it.

He'll keep on massaging you as soon as you get inside the water. I also can't help but think he'd particularly enjoy kissing the back of your neck while doing so, for some reason.

He'll try to make sure you won't have to move too much for the following days, or at least until the pain goes away, he knows it isn't an extremely serious issues, but it hurts him to see you barely being able to stand up.

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thebibliosphere · 3 years ago

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So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After.

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting.

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom.

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man.

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms...

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful.

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual.

#long post #writing #ethical non-monogamy #relationship styles #relationship models in fiction #also that kindle link is an affiliate link #because fuck giving amazon free recs

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coreyww · 3 years ago

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The zero-bs reason I sometimes have long writing hiatuses

Hey guys, honestly this isn't going to be a dire post or a sad post in case you saw the title and are worried about that. It scratches the edge of personal stuff but I'm not gonna talk about anything like too upsetting. Mainly what brought this on is I saw the new EyepatchWolf video about Berserk which I had Relatable Feels got reflective and realized I should probably like...explain that to anyone who reads my fics and wonders why updates just like...stop sometimes.

The short of it is that the past few years I kinda realized my drive to write was rootes by a desire to express myself and connect with people at times when, because of bad circumstances starting in childhood, I didn't feel like I was able to express myself and connect with people any other way. It's kind of a sad fact that the periods of my life when I've been the most productive have been periods where a lot of unhappiness was going on in the background. Sometimes I'm aware of the Real Shit going on that fuels the desire to write, other times (and this is the stuff that really started to mess with me when I noticed) Real Shit was happening I could only perceive and express on a subconscious level. I'm not trying to imply everything I've ever written was done so while I was depressed or anything cause that's not true...but it seems like a lot of the innate desire to create started as a defense mechanism from childhood that still kicks in sometimes.

Mostly in recent years the hiatuses have come up because I'm like... A lot healthier than I used to be, if that makes sense? Like some real stuff can and has occured in those hiatuses but like...I'm generally a lot better off now than I was at my most productive (and way WAY better off than I was as a child). Like I have a support system, I have friends who I talk to, I have a family, I'm actually social, I take medication for the issues all the above still can't fully resolve. Its something I was kinda afraid to say out loud but like...writing started for me when I was at a place where I needed it, truly, because there was no other way to express myself. And things aren't as dire and I don't need it in the same way I used to.

Which makes things hard sometimes cause the desire to create is still there, but I've found that trying to force it when I'm not propelled by like that drive of like... Express Something That I Have To Express For My Own Health has mixed results. I've made a few really cool things since Kinda Sorta knowing this was the root cause, but sometimes I've found forcing it too much will lead me to just stress and feel bad, actually distancing me from happiness rather than helping me find it, which is what the hobby started as.

So it's kinda like the tide now? When it's there, it's there, but when it's not it's not. And that kinda sucks in some ways, which might be weird to hear after everything else I've said. I am definitely glad I'm happier and healthier now but after you spend a lot of your life getting kinda good at writing, you also wish you could just turn it on at will when you want XD. That's kinda where I'm at now. Like I am going to keep trying to create, but I'm not gonna do it at the expense of my own happiness and everything else, so it's the thing of trying to have that balance.

So that's kinda what that whole deal is. If you're a fan of the stuff I've written, I hope you can understand. Sorry if this is a weird post. I usually don't get very personal on here but considering I've never given a good reason about that, I thought it'd be good too. People will probably say I wasn't obligated to really do that and maybe I wasn't, but in my real life now I try to be very genuine so I figured this post might have that same spirit I guess.

Thank you all for reading and have a great night.

#personal

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samshogwarts · 4 years ago

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My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be.

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble. And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values ��had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean. Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me!

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you! Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness.

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more.

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people.

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me.

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys!

Love you all so much.

#My end of the year thank you #Personal #Ooc #My year 2020 #God my heart beating so fast #Don't know why but these post makes me nervous #Very personal #Cry counter while writing this: 4 #Yeah so adult xD #Like I care #Hope you all enjoyed the Christmas holidays #Love you all #Such a great community #Never saw this before #💙❤️💚💛

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spencers-dria · 4 years ago

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Maybe, Just Maybe

Someone To Stay Ch. 5

Spencer x Fem reader

Content/Trigger warnings: a little bit of body image issues

Spencer POV:

It's been a few days since I hung out with Y/N. I'm truly glad she was the one I got to go with. I feel like we might have a lot in common, and she's easy to be around. For a little while, I almost forgot about everything that happened...about her. The next day the thoughts came sinking slowly back in, but they don't feel as debilitating as they used to. Maybe Derek was right, getting out, being around people, it may not be easy for me but it may be what's best. Maybe I should try to get out of my comfort zone a little. I want to get better, I do. But being social, well it's never been my strong suit, and to try to do it now, when I feel so emotionally vulnerable, it's particularly difficult.

Other than the dinner at Rossi's, my friends haven't been inviting me out as much as they used to. I'm pretty sure they got tired of the inevitable rejection. I want them to see that I'm trying, that I want to do better, to get better. Maybe if I reach out first...

I grab my phone to call JJ. She's like a sister to me, and she's been the best at trying to understand what I've been going through.

"Hey, Spence!" She sounds surprised but glad to hear from me.

"Hey, I was uhh.. well I was just wondering..." my words trail off as I find myself suddenly losing confidence in my endeavor.

"Yeah, what's up?" Her voice has a calming effect on me.

"Well...I was wondering if the team had any plans this weekend? To hang out or...I don't know."

"Actually we don't. But we should! I think I have an idea. There's something I've been wanting us all to do. There's a Lakehouse up for rent, and I think it would be fun if we all went up for a weekend. What do you think?"

I'm not very into outdoor activities, but the idea of reading on a porch by the lake sounds incredibly calming and therapeutic. It also sounds like a good time for me to start hanging out with the team again.

"You know, that actually sounds perfect." I smile at the thought of the much needed weekend getaway.

"Perfect! I'll text the group! Thanks for giving me the nudge to set this up, Spence. It'll be fun."

I hang up and shortly after I hear the familiar ding from the group message chat.

BAU Baddies😎

JJ💖: Hey guys! Who would be down for renting a Lakehouse this next weekend?

DM🍫⚡️: Hell yeah! @ahotchner you know what that means?? Jet Skis baby!! 😜🤙🏻

AB🌹: How fun! Count me in.

DR🇮🇹: I'll cook! I have a new recipe we can try out. I think you'll all love it👌🏻

PG🦄👸🏼: @jjereau @ablake We HAVE to go swimsuit shopping first, ladies! This is a non-negotiable.

AH: Sounds fun, are we bringing the kids this time?

JJ💖: Actually, Will is staying home and he'll be watching Henry. Jack can spend the weekend there, if you'd like. @ahotchner

AH: Thanks. I think I'll take you up on that offer.

DM🍫⚡️: @sreid you better be coming pretty boy, just bring a couple dozen books and you'll be set.

SR♟: Yep, already packing.

I smile to myself, thinking of how for once, I'm the reason we have plans. But if anyone else knew that, I'd never hear the end of it. I knew JJ was being intentional when she didn't mention that to the group. I hear another group chat alert and glance at my phone.

BAU Baddies😎

JJ💖: Hey, is it alright if I invite Y/N again?

AB🌹: Oh I thought that was a given! You definitely need to! She fits in with us so well.

PG🦄👸🏼: You better! Or I won't let you hear the end of it 😂

JJ💖: Great! Thanks you guys, it means a lot that you've been so welcoming to her.

Y/N will be there. Maybe I'll have a friend who will hang back and read with me. It would be nice to not be the only one. Then I remember what she said about moving here because she loves the outdoors. That means she'll probably be hanging out with Derek, JJ, and whoever else. Oh well. At least maybe I'll get to talk to her more. I decide to text her. I never really text anyone, but she doesn't know that.

Y/N

Hey, it's Spencer. I heard JJ

wanted to invite you to the lake.

Do you think you'll go?

Yeah! I just got off the phone

with her. I can't wait! Are you

going?

Surprisingly...yes. I'll be bringing

some books along to pass the time

but it'll be nice to have a change

of scenery.

Books??? We'll see about that😉

I love a good book as much as the

next bibliophile...but this is a

weekend for things you CANT

do at home. Anyways, would you

want to carpool? We can take turns

driving if one of us gets tired.

Passenger is in control of snacks

and music! 🎶🍿

Haha, ok deal. We'll work out

the details later. And...thanks :)

Anytime Spencer, can't wait! 👍🏻

I lean back into the couch and smile. Even if we spend the weekend doing different things, at least we'll get to talk on the way there. I feel like she could become a good friend, but I don't want to make any assumptions...I don't do this often.

Y/N POV:

You run around your room, packing for a trip that's days away. You're too excited, it can't wait. Just as you're trying to decide on a swimsuit you get a text from Penelope, saying that the girls are going swimsuit shopping this evening. They want you to come. You can't hide the smile growing on your face. How long has it been since you've been on a girls shopping trip? You can't even remember. It's spontaneous, so you assume no one will be too dressed up. You throw on a black sleeveless t shirt dress and some strappy sandals. Easy enough to get in and out of for trying on clothes. After brushing through your hair and applying some quick, light makeup, you're ready to go. The girls had decided to meet at the mall, for the most options.

You meet up with Aunt JJ, Penelope, and Alex outside of a nice department store.

"I figured we could start here. It has the most options and it's at the end of the mall. So we can work our way down, until we all find something."

Aunt JJ tends to take charge. She's such a mom, but that's part of what you love about her. Always prepared, caring for everyone. Alex found a cute one piece with a wrap to wear as a skirt. Penelope picked out a cute pink and purple polka-dotted swim dress. JJ ended up with a sports-bra fitting bikini top and some athletic looking swim shorts. Still such a typical mom. The only one left is you. You haven't tried on very many things, and what you did try on, never made it out of the dressing room.

"Y/N, why don't you let us pick you out some things to try on, and this time, you have to at least let us see. Deal?" Penelope gives you a look of encouragement.

"Sure" you shrug. "I'll try anything at this point."

Alex stays with you while JJ and Penny go to pick out some swimsuits for you. They return with a few handfuls of options. You try on the first option, picked out by Penny. It's a cute two piece, frilly and pink. You come out and are greeted with a few giggles.

"As cute as this is, I think it's more your style than mine, Penny" you let out a small laugh.

"Oh I know. I just wanted to see you in it! I couldn't pull it off in a thousand years!" She laughs.

"Alright alright, let's keep going." JJ ushers me back into the dressing room.

I come back out in a black two piece. It doesn't show too much skin to make me uncomfortable, but it's really flattering on my curves.

I hear a chorus of "ooooo" and one "yes queen!" that I'm sure came from Penny.

"Really, you guys? It's not too...ya know."

JJ shakes her head at me. "No definitely not. Girl, you're single, you're in your twenties, your body hasn't had a child yet. If you got it, flaunt it. If not now, then when?"

The girls all nod in agreement. You blush. You didn't know you could look this good in a swimsuit. You usually avoided bikinis. You found it hard to feel comfortable in your own skin. Whenever you tried to dress sexy, you just ended up feeling awkward and uncomfortable. It helps to have some friends to encourage you. You look at yourself in the mirror one last time. Okay, even you had to admit, you look hot.

The four of you end the day with lunch, chatting about your plans for the lake.

JJ turns to you. "Y/N, I almost forgot, do you need a ride down there? I can pick you up, if you'd like."

"Ohh uh, no actually. I'm carpooling with Spencer." I give her a shy smile. I know what this looks like. "We're just friends" I quickly interject.

"That's great" she says, giving me her warm smile. "Spence really needs a friend right now. And I bet you do too." There's understanding in her eyes. You're grateful that she didn't try to make more out of it. Aunt JJ knows you, though. She knows you make guy friends much more easily. That aside, you were still so grateful for the day with the girls. They were all so genuine, and easy to get along with. They didn't make you feel like an outsider intruding on their day.

Later that evening, you lay in bed as you try to quiet your mind. Your head is swimming with too many thoughts to fall asleep: anxieties about this weekend, but also excitement and ideas of what you'll do. Not to mention, more time to get to know Spencer better. You wonder what JJ meant when she said Spencer really needed a friend right now. Maybe, just maybe, you'd break through his walls a little more this weekend.

A/N: sorry this one is short-ish. It's kind of a transition chapter so there's not as much content! Building a base, building friendships, hang with me, we're getting there 😁💖✌🏻

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nico-idc · 4 years ago

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random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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actuallyvady · 4 years ago

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I wasn't planning to be unemployed for as long as I've been (almost an entire year now with the exception of a job i held for two months but was terrified of something similar happening to me that caused me to leave my last job) and my partner has been so supportive and she really is amazing being the breadwinner. but we just can't afford to only have one income any longer. Plus I've been feeling guilty as HELL about it.

I've been hesitant to get back to work partly because dealing with antimaskers was a nightmare the short amount of time I have worked during this pandemic. and partly because I have really bad respiratory issues but now that I'm getting my second vaccine next week I don't have that as an excuse anymore.

I'm glad your family is so supportive and understanding. Thanks for letting me vent in your ask I feel like my friends (while non of them say it) think I'm being a giant baby about having to work another shitty job. because a lot of people work shitty jobs and just deal with it. but WHY. like why are we all so complacent in this hellscape we call society? we were not born for misery. and we absolutely weren't born to be yelled out over things out of our control. I really wanted to find a work from home job or at least a job I wasn't working with costumers but the only places hiring/calling me back based on my experience are costumer service jobs. and retail I think caused some of my worst anxiety issues and it certainly made my depression much worse. but here I am going back to it. like. the pandemic has been stressful but I've felt much better not being berated by people on a daily basis or doing work so soul crushing I feel like my brain is rotting.

I do plan to talk to my doctor and I really want to find a therapist but im having a hard time finding someone accepting clients or who specalizes in the shit I already should have been seeing a therapist for in the first place. im still young enough to be on my parents health insurance at the very least but thats another reason I had to get this job. I turn 26 next year. I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I don't want to die I don't think but I don't want to live like this.

I’m glad you have a supportive partner <3

I don’t think you’re being a baby about it, tbh I think you’re being realistic. It’s shitty as hell that people have to work, have to put up with the worst conditions just to keep themselves alive. Yes, a lot of people do put up with it, and maybe, in practical terms, you’ll have to tolerate it for a while as well... but it isn’t bad to recognize how shitty it is and to want to find another way.

I obviously don’t know any specifics about you or your situation so I can’t, like, offer specific advice, but-- if there is a kind of work you can picture yourself doing, perhaps working towards that as a goal can help ease the pain of your current situation? Like. Teach yourself new skills on your days off, when you have the capacity. Or take online classes, or try to find a community (a writing group, if you want to be a writer, that sort of thing). I talk about using distractions to keep myself from going under, but distractions are even more effective when they feel productive.

Retail is the actual worst and I hope you find a way to get out of it. I ended up stumbling into a manufacturing job, before the pandemic, and the simple fact that I never had to deal with customers made it the best “I have to work to survive” job I’ve ever had. (Not that manufacturing jobs are particularly great, but at least it wasn’t retail, you know?)

It’s funny, I find myself wanting to say things to you that are basically what I need to hear right now-- I’m 36 and I feel like I have done nothing with my life, and I don’t particularly want to die but I also don’t want to keep living like this. I don’t know if it will help you to hear, but my friends are always quick to assure me that even if I feel like I have contributed nothing, my presence in their lives is worthwhile, and I contribute simply by existing. So that’s what I will say to you: your existence, your life, and your presence in the lives of those around you is worthwhile. You exist, and therefore you have not done nothing; your existence makes the world better for the people around you. You do not need to earn your place. You are more than your job, more than your productivity, and the good you bring to the world by being you is more than enough.

#i feel like this comes of stupidly preachy #but it *is* what i need to hear sometimes #i don't know if you will believe me #Anonymous

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dreamingofmilk · 5 years ago

Text

Just The Two Of Us Chapter 3

Synopsis: You meet up with Erik to get an explanation.

Word count: 1,447

Warnings: none

Izzie paced back and forth in her dorm room. Ignoring Leona as she just walked into the living room. Lee watched her with amusement, a small smile on her face. Lee sat back on the couch and started eating her popcorn.

“What’s got your panties in a bunch?” Lee asked, her head turning to watch Izzie continuously go back and forth.

“I’m supposed to be meeting someone today.” Izzie stopped to glance at Leona. Then she started up her walking again.

“At what time?” Leona asks, offering Izzie some popcorn. Izzie shakes her head and keeps walking.

“7.”

“That’s in like 5 minutes… shouldn’t you be getting ready.” Leona quirks a brow at Iysha. Iysha shrugs and sits next to her.

“It’s Erik,” Izzie mumbled.

“Erik who?” Lee watched Izzie as she picked up her phone and watched the time tick by. “Erik who Iz?” Lee asked again.

“The Erik. The same guy I was in love with freshman year after he left to join the army before I met Bucky and fell head over heels for a guy with a metal arm.” Izzie yelled frustrated.

“I thought he was dead. Didn’t you get some letter saying he dropped off the grid and was presumed dead.” Lee was now completely intrigued.

“I did! But he’s not and now he wants to meet and explain what happened.” Izzie put her head in her hands and shook slightly.

“So?” Lee shrugged. Go meet him. I don’t see what the big deal is. Wasn’t he like your best friend? What’s wrong with catching up?” Lee reasoned with Izzie.

“The big deal is that I was in love with my best friend. The even bigger deal is that I might still be in love with him.” Izzie responded, her heart hurt as she thought of Bucky and how he might feel hearing those words come out of her mouth.

“Oh,” Lee says.

“Yeah big fucking OH.” Izzie stands up to start pacing again. “Don’t get me wrong I love Bucky. I’m in love with Bucky at 100%. He is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. But seeing Erik yesterday made me realize that I might love him too. I… I..” Izzie faded off looking at her phone again.

“I say you go see him. Tell him how you feel and that you have a boyfriend now. Tell him that you want to still have him in your life as a friend and go from there. You're making assumptions right now and you don’t know how anything will go. You won’t know until you talk to him. If anything you deserve an explanation.”

Izzie nodded her head in agreeance. “You’re right I do deserve an explanation.” Izzie grabbed her coat from the hook and her keys and wallet. “I’ll let you know what happens.” Izzie all but ran out of the dorm room.

**********

Izzie makes it to the cafe at 7:45 pm her heart pounding from the race there and the anticipation of seeing him again. Butterflies erupted in her stomach as they always did when she saw his face, Bucky’s too.

Erik’s sad face and frown contorted into a big smile when he saw Izzie. He stood up as she made her way toward him. He opened his arms for a hug, Izzie frowned and shook her head.

“I just came for the explanation Erik. Nothing more nothing less.” Izzie sits down quietly in front of where Erik was just sitting.

“Okay. That’s okay. I’m just happy you came. I was getting a bit worried.” Erik chuckled and shyly glanced up at Izzie. His nervousness was new to her. Erik always used to be the most confident guy around, especially whenever Izzie was with him.

“Yeah okay Erik, I’m here now. Can you just explain why you had your commanding officers send me a letter saying that you were dead when you’re clearly not?”

“Okay.” Erik cocks his head. “Well for one… It wasn’t my commanding officers that sent that letter. As far as they know I am actually dead. It was my cousin… T’Challa. You remember him?”

Izzie nods, confusion etched on her face. “I thought… I mean… Did you find him? You were able to get to Wakanda?”

Erik nodded a small content smile on his face.

“I was able to locate my family. It took some fighting and a few family squabbles but we hashed everything out and made it work in the end. I am now Prince Njdaka Udaku advisor to King T’Challa Udaku, and occasional lab rat for Princess Shuri Udaku.” He grimaced at the last one.

She smiled softly, “That’s great, Erik. I’m glad you found a solution you’re happy with.” Izzie was genuinely happy for him too. She knew how heavy his family history weighed on him, so she was happy to hear that he managed to find a way to fix it. That certainly didn’t fix the issues he caused between the two of them though.

"That doesn't answer my question though. Why did you make me think you were dead?"

Erik sighed, "I joined a black ops organization to get Intel on Wakanda. I wanted to get revenge for Pops."

She nodded, hesitating slightly before she spoke again, "What kind of revenge? Why would you have to join black ops?"

Erik looked into her eyes, his expression full of the same sadness from before. "I was going to kill T'challa. His dad killed Pops, so I planned on returning the favor."

Izzie shook her head, "Erik, no. That wouldn't have solved anything. That wouldn't take the pain away."

He nodded. "Yeah. I learned that the hard way. I almost killed my cousin, twice, to punish him for a crime his father committed. It took me a long time to see it, but T'challa is nothing like his father."

He paused for a bit before continuing. "To answer your question T'Challa helped me fake my death so I wouldn't be punished for treason. I abandoned the military after all."

Izzie frowned, "And you couldn't trust me not to tell anyone?" She couldn't hide the hurt in her voice. "I would have never betrayed you like that!"

Erik raised his hands, palms exposed. "I know, Butter, believe me. I argued with T'challa and Shuri for weeks about it. I didn't want to lie to you. But they said that the military would check into everyone connected to me and I couldn't put you in danger like that. If they found out that you knew anything about my whereabouts they would have taken you, or worse. You don’t know the kind of shit that I got wrapped into with them. The shit that I know about them. I couldn't take that chance."

Izzie nodded reluctantly. "I understand. I wish you would have trusted me though. You have no idea what I went through when I found out you died. I was a wreck for months Erik!" She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes. Those were the darkest times of her life. She almost didn't make it through. And all of it was a lie.

Erik reached across the table and grabbed her hand. "Butter, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I swear to you I only did it to protect you. I know you're angry with me, and I understand, but I love you and I will do whatever I need to do to fix it. Just give me a chance and I will make it my life's work to make you happy."

Izzie shook her head, "It's not that simple Erik." His eyes widened as she spoke, desperation and resolve clear in his expression.

"What's the problem Izzie? I love you, and I know you love me too. Together forever, that's what we said."

The tears in her eyes fell over. "I thought you were dead Erik! Dead! I have a boyfriend, I love him. We can't pick up where we left off."

"A boyfriend huh?" Erik sat back calmly in his seat.

Izzie nodded. "Yes. Like I said I came here for an explanation and closure. Nothing more, nothing less."

She moved to stand up and Erik gently grabbed her hand.

"That's fine, Butter, I'll win you back. We're meant to be, and I'll do whatever you need to make you see it again."

Izzie wrenched her hand away and gathered her things. Erik sat still, but there was a smirk forming on his face. The same smirk that sent butterflies to her stomach, that still made her weak in the knees.

"Have fun with your distraction, Butter. I'll be right here when you're ready."

Taglist:

@aislinnsilver @wawakanda-btch @chaneajoyyy @marvelmaree

#milk fics #milkyfics #avengers fanfiction #buckyxreader #erikxreader

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caranfindel · 6 years ago

Text

Recap/review 14.18: “Absence”

THEN: I am a Winchester! Which means I do awful and wonderful things! Like saving Sam (Saaaaaammmm!!!) and torturing Nick and doing Something Bad to Mary! And possibly losing my soul! Whoopsie!

NOW: Sam and Dean are just getting back to the bunker after the events of the previous episode. I assume they've given Donatello a ride home (which, as we've established, is x hours away), but maybe they stuck him in a cab like they did with Claire that one time. Maybe they found a car for him back at the abandoned warehouse. Sam drops his bag on the map table and they both start calling for Jack and Mary, but aren't too terribly concerned about them not being there. "They probably just stopped for a bite on the way back," Dean hypothesizes, when they settle in the library with a couple of beers. Um. Jack zapped them to Nick's cabin, didn't he? So what is on the "way back?" Are they going to zap to a McDonald's first? What is important is that Sam is still wearing that orange plaid shirt. And they're both pretty unperturbed, even for them, about what just happened.

Here's to another miraculous Sam Winchester survival. Gotta say, man, if Jack hadn't have healed you... you know, lately, it feels like we'd be up the creek without that kid. I mean, first he takes care of Michael, and then Nick...

I know, and he even got the blood out of my new orange plaid shirt, which means I can keep wearing it for this entire episode.

Yeah, I been meaning to talk to you about that. You've been adding a lot of orange to your wardrobe lately.

Just this shirt and that one jacket.

It's more orange than anyone needs. Sure, it fits you great, but so does that red and black plaid. Why don't you wear that shirt some more? Or that solid black shirt you have?

Sorry, but you know I'm a Texas fan. You're just going to have to put up with the orange.

At least I think that's how the conversation went. I could be remembering wrong.

I'm just saying. It's a lot of orange.

The point is, Dean appreciates Jack and recognizes everything he's done for them. Dean pulls out his phone to call her and they hear a buzzing, which is her phone, on the map table, right to Sam's bag. Sam, I know you're recently back from the dead (or near-dead) but it does seem like you would have noticed the phone there. (Also, how close is the library to war room? This makes it look like the map table is practically in the library.) Her keys are next to her her phone, and it's not until this very moment that I realize they didn't know she and Jack zapped to the cabin - they must have thought she and Jack drove there. Because obviously they didn't have a lot of conversation about it. Even though they had a long drive back and it does seem like Sam would have called his mother and asked how their end went.

Anyway. They're perturbed now. Sam tries to call Jack and we see him, staring, ignoring Sam's call.

Title card! (ha ha, I forgot we were still in the Now.)

The guys are making phone calls to all their contacts, and Sam reports Rowena has a spell that might be able to track Jack down. Oh, I love that Sam calls Rowena for help. LOVE IT. Dean gets a call from Cas and gives him the scoop. "Were they together?" Cas asks. “Alone?" Cas looks more Cassy than usual, and then tells Dean about the snake. "I don't think Jack is well, Dean," he says. Dean hangs up on him, which seems kind of rude, but neither he nor Sam act like the snake story is particularly significant. Then Sam gets the brilliant idea to track Jack's phone. (Sidebar: Should Cas be able to use his angelic powers to locate Mary and/or Jack? Discuss.)

Sam fires up the phone tracking website and expositions that they should be able to track him as long as his phone has power. (Listen, guys. You need Find My Friends. Best parent app EVER. It locates him in Nepal, but then he immediately appears in Peru. "Jack's flying," Sam says.

Eventually Jack tires of Paris and Lima and Madagascar and and flops to the ground back at the Cabin of Death, next to Nick's stolen truck. He pulls out his phone, revealing a low battery (so much for that plan, Sam) and several missed calls and messages from the rest of TFW 2.0. He has some flashbacks to happier times with Mary, and then in the background we notice someone standing on the porch of the cabin. They're wearing jeans, and their face is hidden in the darkness, and I'm open to the possibility that Jack actually zapped Mary somewhere instead of killing her (and according to the 14.17 poll, some of you are also open to this), so for a second I think it's going to be Mary standing there. But no.

On the TV:

Nick?

Hmm. Guess again. Hello, son.

At my house:

OH FUCK.

Sorry. I'm just really tired of him.

So, after Jack left to do more important things (Saaaaaaammmmmm!!!!), Lucifer made it back into the world? I mean, this is awful, but it would mean Lucifer is the Big Bad instead of Nick, so... not ALL awful? But it's not Lucifer either - "I'm your subconscious, or whatever," he says. Oh god, it's Hallucifer. Jack has his own version of Hallucifer, JUST LIKE HIS PRIMARY DAD. He's here to help, allegedly, though he doesn't seem all that helpful. "Buddy, you killed Mary Winchester. You cannot come back from that, and you know it." Well. I guess she's officially dead, then. Or is she? Where's the body? I mean, Hallucifer is just Jack's subconscious. So if Jack thinks he killed Mary, so does Hallucifer. That doesn't make it so. Jack tells Hallucifer that it was an accident, and he's all, sure, tell Sam and Dean that, I'm sure they'll understand. (It's funny because it's not true!)

Cut to the Winchesters, driving through the night. Sam expositions that Cas will meet them at the cabin (how do any of them even know where this cabin is?) and speculates that maybe Lucifer is behind whatever happened, not Jack. And maybe Jack thought he was being kind when he killed the snake. Because Sam is grasping for anything that exonerates his son (sob!). But Dean's not accepting it and doesn't want to talk about it. Then Sam's laptop or tablet or whatever he's using beeps with notification that Jack's signal has been lost. Uh oh. (So I guess that's how they found the cabin?) Oooh, yes, we actually get confirmation that it's in Longton "KA" (which doesn't exist and I suspect is supposed to be KS, SERIOUSLY, GUYS).

Longton KANSAS is 4.5 hours from Lebanon. In case anyone but me is curious.

When they get to the cabin, there's no sign of Jack or Mary or Hallucifer. Just the stolen truck. Sam goes inside and Dean looks outside and oh, who's going to be the one to find the body? First I'm sure it's going to be Sam, because there's a lumpy pile of blankets on the bed, but it must just be blankets, and Sam doesn't even look under them. He does find a body, but it's Nick, not Mary. And then I'm sure it's going to be Dean, because he comes across something disturbing outside and ignores Sam's calls. But what he found is... well, it's hard to see what it is in the dark. Apparently it's a blast zone. A big one.

Cas is sitting in his truck somewhere, having his own warm and fuzzy Mary flashback where she eats a candy bar after a hunt without washing her hands and refuses to let Cas heal her because she's still a little bit afraid of him. He tells her that, no matter what other things there are to deal with, Sam and Dean are glad she's here. "Finally they don't have to be so alone." Wow, that's a dumb thing to say. Mary agrees with me and says "Castiel, they were never alone. And if they were, me being here wouldn't fix that, since I'm always off doing other things." That's how I remember it, anyway. Reverie over, Cas gets out of the truck to face the music - he's at the Cabin of Death.

Inside, Sam is covering Nick's body. He and Dean have some concerned conversation about whether Nick deserved whatever Jack did to him and conclude that Jack must have made it as painful as possible or otherwise killed him in some inappropriate way. And there are very good, valid reasons for them to come to this conclusion. I mean, I can't think of them right now, after watching the episode twice and ruminating for several hours, but I'm sure something will come to me very soon. Let me just go check my Tumblr feed again. I bet they're there.

(Seriously. Nick looks like he was burned out by an angel. That's all.)

They're surprised when Cas walks in, because they didn't hear his giant truck or see his headlights in the dark Cabin of Death. They tell him they haven't found anything except the blast site that looks like something "angelic, but bigger." Dean theorizes that it could have been Lucifer, but Sam points out that Jack said he took care of Lucifer, and I'm not sure why they've reversed their positions. Because in the car, Sam was the one who thought it might have been Lucifer. Script mix-up? Someone brought Jensen the wrong pages? Anyway. Dean says "If he did something to her, if she is... then you're dead to me." Pointing as Cas, because Cas knew something was wrong with Jack. Well, that hardly seems fair. When he first told you the snake story, Dean, you didn't think it meant anything at all. But NOW, all of a sudden, it was some ironclad harbinger of doom?

"I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long. I believed that he was good. I knew that he would be good for the world. He was good for us. My faith in him, it never wavered, and then I saw what he did. It wasn't malice, it wasn't evil, it was like Jack saw a problem and he solved it, with that snake. What he did wasn't bad. It was the absence of good, and I saw that in him. But we were a family and I didn't want to lose that..."

And I'm going to stop here, because this is the most important part of Cas's speech. This is the core issue. Jack's not bad, he just might not be good either. He thought he was doing the right thing. And he's family. Is any of this familiar, Dean? Any of it at all? Cas also says that he wanted to "fix it" on his own, so he left and didn't tell anyone. Neither brother asks how he thought he was going to fix it, but I guess they'll get the story of the failed faux Samulet someday. Right now we just have Sam looking sad and guilty and Dean looking angry and guilty but mostly angry.

Sam's phone rings - it's Rowena. She says she was unable to scry Jack because "his energy is too unstable; it's like looking at the sun." And as for Mary? "I don't know what happened, or where she is, but I can tell you with certainty - Mary Winchester is no longer on this earth." At this point, I'm still ready to accept that she's been zapped to a different dimension. I mean, there's no body. But TFW accepts it as her being dead, and Dean starts throwing furniture and Sam is despondent and flinchy (and hoo boy, I love that combination.)

So what do we do?

What do we always do when we lose one of our own?

Bad things. Very bad things. He declares "we fight to bring them back." And they will call on Rowena, because "she's got the Book of the Damned; she's resurrected herself more times than we can count." (Not to quibble, but we've only seen her resurrected twice. You yourself have been resurrected more times than that, Dean.) He orders Cas to go to Heaven and find Mary, and orders Sam to tell Rowena they're on their way. Mmmm, angry bossy Dean. I like that combination too.

Another thing I like about this scene is that it's one of those times when Sam turns into the little brother. When he looks at Dean and asks "what do we do," because that's how this works.

So much to like.

We go to Rowena's place, and if you're wondering where she lives and how far it is from the Cabin of Death, you're not alone. She's working away on her spell, though it sounds like she says cumin so maybe it's actually a chili recipe, when someone bangs on her door. "That was fast," she says. But when she answers the door... oh god, it's Jack, and for the first time in this episode I actually feel some concern. DO NOT HURT HER, JACK. (Rowena, I apologize for not appreciating you when you first arrived on the scene. I adore you now and you must remain.)

She pretends she doesn't know what happened, asking if he's well and telling him 2/3 of his dads are looking for him. He admits he accidentally killed Mary by just thinking it for a second and oh, imagine how horrible that would be, if the awful things that popped into your mind for one second actually came to pass. Or maybe I have more intrusive thoughts than y'all do. Anyway. "I need to undo it," he says. "You need to help me undo it." She explains that the magic she normally uses has to be in place before you die, so he suggest the book (I adore the way she says book) and she tells him about the spell. It requires "enormous power" but simple ingredients that could probably be found in the bunker.

Someone bangs on the door again - it's Dean. Jack accuses her of stalling, but they only talked for like 90 seconds, so, okay. She asks him to talk to his "kin," but he grabs her arm. Sam kicks the door in (with hair in his face and yes it is hot) but it's too late - Jack has zapped her out.

Sadly, I have not found a gif yet, so this will have to do.

Cut to Cas at the Stairway to Heaven, calling for Naomi. No one responds.

Jack and Rowena appear in the bunker, and he pulls her along, but happens to notice some gouges in the floor. And now we get another flashback. Mary is trying to teach him how to handle a knife, and he keeps dropping it on the floor. She's all sweet and supportive and blah blah blah, and Jack says Dean will kill him for gouging the floor when they get him back, so this must be during the Michael!Dean period. Mary pulls the table over to cover the damaged floor, but who is that in the background? It's bearded Sam! Oh, long lost Beard of Despair! How I've missed you! (Is it fake? Is it real? Was this a deleted scene? Or did they plan for what was coming, and film this before he shaved it off? Does Jared just grow a beard that quickly? I DO NOT CARE.)

He feels bad for not being there for Jack while he was busy looking for Dean, and then he apologizes for complaining to her. But she's relieved not to be the only one with "parental guilt." Because they went through so much without her, and then things were "complicated" when she got back. "I'm just saying, parenting is always a struggle. You always feel like you're failing, but then you look at them, and somehow, they're amazing. Somehow, they're literally the bravest, kindest, most heroic men on the planet." Well, this is true. Very true. And I'm glad she's giving Sam the praise and validation he SO deserves but come on, Mary. What do you know about parenting? You did it for four years. When did you feel like you were failing six-month-old Sam?

YES, MARY, I WANT TO TOUCH IT TOO

Fade to Sam. Interesting that Jack's warm fuzzy flashback turned into Sam's. (It's because Sam is his primary dad! It is known!) They're still at Rowena's, and Dean is still ranting about Cas not telling them about the snake. EVEN THOUGH DEAN DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE SNAKE WHEN CAS FIRST TOLD HIM.

Cas, Cas should have told us. As soon as he saw Jack going Dahmer on his stupid snake, he should have told us.

Dean, it wasn't just Cas. We knew Jack was dangerous. We always knew. Long before he killed Michael. You more than anyone. I mean, from the very beginning you knew. But, you know, we fell for him, because he had a good heart and a good soul. And then, he didn't. And that's on me, too, by the way. I mean, I'm the one that made the call to bring him back. He didn't ask for that. I decided for him. And you warned me.

Oooh. Sam. No. Because:

1) Dean didn't KNOW from the very beginning. He was, in fact, WRONG at the very beginning, when he thought Jack was evil. Jack was not evil, and you insisted on giving him a chance, and YOU WERE RIGHT. Jack becoming "evil" in the future (and he's not even EVIL, he's just naive and untrained and too powerful for his own good) wasn't anything Dean predicted.

b) Dean didn't exactly fight very hard to stop Sam from bringing Jack back. Seems like most of his concern was that it wouldn't work, not that it was a bad idea in and of itself.

Then Sam says "You know, after Maggie and the other hunters died, I just left. I just dumped Jack on Cas and left." Well, I'm not a big fan of "Maggie and the other hunters" (reminds me too much of "Sting and the Police" and I don't know why Maggie - or Sting - were so damn special that they deserved to be singled out as the only ones in the group with a name), but I also don't have any memory of Sam leaving after Michael killed the other hunters. And when he did, he wanted to take Jack, but Dean wouldn't let him. But Sam says he knew something was going to happen and he's wallowing in guilt. Dean admits that he also knew there was a risk, because of what Donatello told him about not being sure. Well, thank Chuck for that. I'm glad Dean's not letting Sam shoulder all the blame for something that wasn't his fault.

Angry Dean and sad Sam, two things I adore.

Back at the bunker, Rowena is gathering her cumin and other ingredients. Jack's getting impatient, and she tells him that she could have fought him, but she didn't. "Because you want the same thing the boys want. That I want." This is a beautiful, beautiful moment, with Rowena wanting what "the boys" want, but it's interrupted by Hallucifer, who doesn't even know why Jack is doing any of this. "To ease your guilt? But you don't have guilt any more, do you, Jack? Admit it. You don't feel anything any more." Well. Everything Hallucifer says comes from Jack's head, so what do we think about this? Does Jack really not feel anything any more? I disagree. If he didn't feel anything, if he didn't want Mary back, if he didn't care about forgiveness, why would he even bother? So I think our boy does feel something. Rowena is disturbed by Jack talking to his hallucination, but she carries on and finishes the spell. They have everything they need except the body. Oh.

Stairway to Heaven. Cas isn't going anywhere until Naomi talks to him. Someone finally shows up, but it's Duma.

Where's Naomi?

Well, I'd tell you it's none of your business, but you already know it's none of your business. Naomi just gets paid more than I do, and we've already got all the regular guest stars in this episode, so we had to cut some corners.

At least that's how I remember it. She tells him Mary is at peace in "a special Heaven" and "is complete" and he should just let her be.

Jack takes Rowena to the Cabin of Death, but Mary's body isn't there. He thinks she should be able to complete the spell anyway, but she says she can't. He wants to do it himself, but she says he's in no shape, and "disposition affects execution." She tells him that whatever he brings back won't be Mary, and refuses to help him and OH I'M CONCERNED FOR HER AND HE REACHES OUT AND PUSHES HER and she just ends up being shoved back into her apartment. WHEW. She calls Sam and tells him what Jack is doing, and that it won't work because there's no body, and Jack has snapped and they need to stop him." Necromancy is a delicate art, unpredictable under ideal circumstances. In his state, I fear your boy will bring back something terrible." WELL, THAT'S ENCOURAGING. (Also, Rowena is hilarious in this scene.)

Jack sits in the corpse-less blast zone and performs the ritual and a huge swirling purple cloud appears overhead and I'm thinking, is this our out? Is Jack going to summon something awful, something that can be the Big Bad so he doesn't have to? Please? He notices the Impala nearby, and uses his powers to stop it in its tracks. Luckily it's just right outside the cabin. Sam and Dean run toward him, and we see him looking down at whatever he has summoned, but he doesn't look happy about it. Neither do the Winchesters. "It didn't work," he says, before zapping out.

Oh, the thing he brought back is Mary. Well, Mary's corpse, apparently. Dean holds her and finds her still dead, and he's sad and we get his flashback, which is just Mary leaning on him, asleep in the car, and then Sam comes and holds Dean as he holds Mary and everybody's sad, we're all sad, so terribly terribly sad and we get a crane shot and it's a very lovely scene but I can't help thinking um, correct me if I'm wrong, but we do have that missing piece now, right?

Jack ends up at some industrial kind of place, where Hallucifer tells him there's no going back. "Cas, Sam, Dean, they're never going to trust you again. And you know what that means. You can never trust THEM." And oh, this is Jack's head telling him that. Poor baby.

Bunker. Sam has his box of treasures and he's looking at the few remaining family photos. He looks up, full of hope, when Cas comes in. But Cas tells him Mary is in Heaven and at peace. Dean shows up in time to hear this, and asks if he's just going to take Duma's word for it, because she's a known liar and also might possibly be that dude from The Empty. He says no, he actually saw Mary's Heaven, and we see her door with the dates 1954-1983 and 2016-2019 on it, which of course begs the question of what Sam and Dean's doors are going to look like.

He says he saw her with John (way to bury the lede, Cas), and they're full of joy. But was it really John? Haven't we established that most people are in their own individual Heavens, and if she has a John, it's just an avatar? I mean, John's name wasn't on the door. And I expect Dean, at least, to insist they try to bring her back anyway. But Sam says Rowena told him that what Jack brought back was just an empty replica, "incapable of holding life." (I mean, I feel like that sometimes.) "So what are we supposed to do now?" he asks. And again, Sam is looking to Dean to lead them through this, and yet he's got to know what they SHOULD do. He's got to be thinking of Mary, safe and happy in Heaven, and of ripping someone (anyone, no one in particular, right Sam?) away from that and forcing them to continue on Earth just because you can't be without them. He's got to be thinking of that.

"What we always do," Dean says. And the last time he said that, in this very episode, it meant we do something awful, we throw our own lives away or make some horrible bargain or damn the world in order to bring her back. But this time, it just means that we give her a hunter's funeral. And Sam doesn't look like he was ready for that after all.

So Mary gets a very dramatic pyre, and a montage? Did anyone else get a montage? Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Kevin, Crowley? JOHN? ANYONE? A FREAKING MONTAGE? NO. Grrr. Cas tries to get closer to Dean and Sam puts out a hand and stops him. Also, Sam burns a photo of her and I don't know why.

And finally, we cut to the library table where Sam and Dean carved their initials and we see they are joined by a M.W. Um. What about John? Didn't he get to carve his intials? (NO. Those are only for people who get a montage.)

Also, now that I'm going back to get screencaps, it doesn't look like her intials were there at the beginning of the episode. So she didn't carve them, one of the guys did. And not Dad's? Cold, boys.

You know, last week, like, five or ten minutes before the end of the episode, I thought if Jack hadn't cemented his place in Dean's heart already, he's certainly there now. Because he saved Sam. No matter what else Jack did or is doing or will do, he saved Sam. And I want someone to point that out. I want Sam to say "no, I'm not ready to give up on him, and you realize the only reason I'm here to argue with you is because Jack saved me, right? And if he is soulless, he lost it by saving our asses, right?" (Is this because I watched "Clip Show" a couple of days ago and watched Sam frantically try to soothe Sarah as she died from Crowley's handiwork, and I want Jack to get the same kind of second chance that Crowley got? Maybe.) Now, I realize killing Mary is more awful than anything Crowley (or any other enemy-turned-frenemy) has done to them. But it was an accident. And HE SAVED SAM'S LIFE. Come on. That counts for something.

(Sidebar: We also learned, in that scene back in season 8, that Crowley's mother was a witch. {blows a big wet kiss to the Continuity Fairy})

So, how do I feel about Mary being gone? Here's the deal. This show, at its heart, is about two (or three) men who have a giant bleeding Mary Winchester-sized hole in their lives. Filling that hole does not make for good television. And the Show tried to make her interesting and edgy by playing against what we thought we knew about her (she can't cook! she can't stay away from hunting! she sleeps with both Arthur Ketch and New Bobby!), it tried to make her both a source of conflict and a source of comfort, and ultimately (as far as I'm concerned) it just failed. She was so much more effective as that siren song of the impossible apple pie life. I said earlier and I'll repeat it here... the fact that they had to retcon all of these warm fuzzy flashbacks, instead of using actual clips, just shows how shallow these relationships were. There wasn't anything real to fall back on. And the way they spend these two episodes trying to make us care? It had the opposite effect on me. I'm glad to be shed of her.

But maybe that's just me. Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder. We shall see. Come on and tell me what you think, and remember, no spoilers in the comments, please!

#spn #tv recaps #recap #14.18 #spoilers #beard of despair

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bluephoenixdruidicprincess · 6 years ago

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Shadowhunters 3x11, Lost Souls -- Review

It's that time of the year again where I put myself through the torture of enduring this show. Watching this show is like going on an endurance run. You drag your feet when you first start, when you get acclimated to the level of exercise, you think "hey, this isn't too bad" and then by the end, it's just pain...but also a sense of pride that you made it through. That's been my experience with the show, anyway. And it's basically how I felt about Shadowhunters 3x11, Lost Souls.

I would like to preface this review with saying that I am NOT a huge supporter of this show. I do enjoy certain elements of it but I'm not what would be classified as a devoted fan. For me, Shadowhunters is not a good show and I do get very critical of the show in my reviews. Honestly, for me, I watch the show because 1) I'm too curious not to and 2) I find that this show can be so bad its funny and that's how I reap enjoyment out of it. I am not at all invested in this show or its characters anymore. I'm just watching to see what happens. If you're a die hard fan and you lash out at everyone who has a different opinion than you, you might want to skip these...I'm just saying. My reviews may not be for you. If you do decide to be a total troll, well then pay attention to the below disclaimer.

This is going to be an honest review of my thoughts and feelings regarding this episode. If you're the kind of Shadowhunters fan where you only want to hear positive things about the show, this is not the place for you. If you decide to stick around and get offended by what is said, then that's on you. I warned you. Just know that if you send me any rude comments or messages, I will 100% ignore you. I find that's the best way to deal with bullies. I work 14 hour days. Do you really think I want to waste my incredibly valuable free time dealing with derogatory comments? Hell no. This review will consist of my honest opinions. Opinions are never right or wrong. I'm not telling YOU how to think and feel. I'm telling you what I, quirky and socially awkward me, think and feel. So please, lets discuss with dignity and respect. If I'm critical about this show, it's only because I want it to get better. There is, in fact, a difference between hating a show and being critical of it. I do not hate Shadowhunters, I am being critical and analyzing the flaws as I would with any other show. There are positives but there are also negatives. It's great if you want to promote positivity with this show (and I encourage you to do so) but that doesn't mean I'm not going to point out the things that are legitimately wrong with it. Also, keep in mind that despite the fact that I do like the books, me being critical of this show has nothing to do with my fondness for the books. I don't really care if the show deviates from the source material as long as the changes are good, it makes sense, and it doesn't create plot holes within the confines of the world the show has created. My problems with this show are problems I would have with any show or book for that matter. I think it's perfectly reasonable to take issue with a show that has plot holes, shoddy world building, and inconsistent characters. There will be spoilers for the books and movie.

We are at last embarking upon the final episodes of this show and if this episode is what's going to set the tone for the remaining episodes, then I'm glad it's the final episodes because...well, this episode wasn't great and is a perfect example of what I won't miss about Shadowhunters. Bland and cringey dialogue, more characters than it knows what to do with, and too much jumping across plot points. There are individual moments in the episode I enjoyed but overall, this isn't an episode I loved.

The Loss of the Mary Sue

I'm not entirely certain of the timeline in this episode. The episode never specifies on exactly how many days have passed since the 3A finale but I'm going to estimate about a week or so. Everyone believes Clary died in the explosion caused by Lillith attacking Simon.

The episode opens with Jace, Izzy, and Alec chasing after a downworlder and Jace makes some very shoddy decisions in this fight that lets you see just how reckless he's become in the wake of Clary's "death". We then get a montage of everyone missing Clary and the more significant one is Jace, that's the one they spent the most amount of time on. He's basically walking through Clary's room remembering all the times he spent with Clary...so basically three memories. Another classic example of what I've always been talking about when it comes to the adaptation changes. Clary and Jace have barely spent any amount of time together, even less actually dating and I'm supposed to believe that they're each other's one true love...not going to happen because the show didn't develop it at all. There's a moment in the montage where Jace starts looking at Clary's drawings and getting really emotional about it and I felt nothing because Jace has never been shown to take any sort of interest in Clary's artwork before. In fact, if it weren't for that one scene in 3A, I wouldn't even have known that Clary was still drawing. By the show deviating from the books in the way they did, Clace had less development but yet the show still wants to continue the aspect of Clace being hopelessly in love from the books. You can't make a significant change from the source material and then pages down the line expect to pick up exactly where you left off. By making the change, you changed the entire context of the relationship so now the entire story has to change in order to fit that new narrative. Sadly, the Shadowhunters writers have not figured that out yet and continue to make that same mistake...or they're lazy, it could be that, too. Jace eventually gets so depressed that it's implied that he's contemplating suicide but Izzy is able to talk to him and get him to think. And then she just leaves him after making him promise he won’t go through with it. If anyone's wondering, if you catch someone who you believe may be contemplating suicide, do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! Particularly in a dark room. Being in a dark enclosed space is not the kind of place that typically sends out positive energy. But I suppose I can cut Izzy a little bit of a break. It's entirely possible the Shadowhunter world doesn't really understand how to help someone who's experiencing suicidal thoughts. They certainly didn’t help out Jace’s mother. Alec also confronts Jace about this in probably the only believable scene in this entire episode. Seriously, I've never been a Jalec shipper but I totally understand why people ship them. Matt and Dom are probably the only actors who actually have any chemistry with each other. But Alec tells Jace he's doing the memory of Clary a disservice and that if Jace were to die, it would destroy him as well. In other words, Jace isn't the only one who's going to be affected by this decision. Jace eventually is called by Luke who for some reason appears to be living in a motel room. I don't know why but whatever. Luke doesn't believe Clary is actually dead and he tries to convince Jace through some really weird conspiracy theory that probably even flat-earthers would find difficult to believe. But hey, if it leads to them finding Clary, I'll go with it. And I understand why Luke is unable to accept even the possibility that Clary might be gone for good. He can't think that about someone who he basically views as his daughter and the last connection he has to Jocelyn. Luke gives the evidence to Jace and tells Jace to at least check it out.

Simon, understandably, is also having a difficult time with all this. And Maia returns to give him emotional support despite leaving for a very particular and totally understandable reason but Simon needs her so of course she comes back for him. It's not like Maia exists for anything else but for Simon's character arc. Both Simon and Izzy kind of passive-aggressively shame Maia about leaving. And I'm particualrly disappointed in Izzy telling Maia about what happened to Simon's family as that's a very deeply personal issue and Simon should've been the one to tell her. It wasn't Izzy's secret to tell. I get that they were trying to use that scene to exposit information to the audience but there were better ways of doing that. Hell, it could've just been Izzy making an off-handed comment about Simon. Maia could've been talking to Izzy about how badly Simon is doing with the Clary situation and Izzy could've been all, "especially with what happened with his family" and Maia could've been shocked and Izzy could've been flabbergasted because she didn't know Maia didn't know. That would've been a much better way for the situation to be handled. But I'm not too pleased with Izzy saying in response to Maia not knowing, "well how could you? you weren't around." Just the insinuation that Maia should stay around and support her man and not go off and get in the right head space to properly heal herself after dealing with the re-emergence of her abuser. But I suppose I shouldn’t expect any different from Izzy seeing as she, herself, also only exists to give support the other characters. I think these passive aggressive intonations of shaming Maia are really horrible and shame on the writer. Maia, Izzy, and Simon decide to work together to find a way to get rid of the Mark of Cain from Simon's forehead. They talk to Raphael who now works at a soup kitchen in Detroit and Raphael tells them the tale of some dude chilling in the sewers of NYC who could possibly be the oldest vampire alive and may have answers to the removal of the Mark of Cain. Maia decides not to help Simon on this as its a bad idea for a werewolf and a vampire to meet and I almost forgot that was a thing, the show so rarely does anything with the vampire vs werewolf dynamic. But of course Maia has to back off to give room for Sizzy. I’m really not a big fan of Sizzy being explored here as everything that made Sizzy fun and interesting in the books has been completely stripped from the show. I’d much prefer Saia on the show. But really, I just want Maia and Izzy to have their own character arc, though that doesn’t revolve around shipping.

The Malec B-Plot

We have a Malec B-plot that I found just completely unnecessary wherein Iris returns and kidnaps Magnus because she wants to get Madzie back. She falls for the most obvious trap in the world and hopefully we never see Iris again. What it does for Magnus's story works I guess but I just found it to be a really obtrusive subplot that didn’t fit at all with the episode. I'm not sure if it's just the fact that I've been away from the show for a year so I can see the the show a little more clearly now but the Malec chemistry is no longer working for me. Maybe it's just that I've always paid more attention to how alarmingly unequal their relationship is but I'm looking at the body language they're giving off and its not the kind of body language you would expect from lovers. They're so stiff around each other and not relaxed at all.

In fact, there's a line in this episode where Malec has just put Madzie to bed as they're baby-sitting her and Alec kisses Magnus and Magnus tells him to stop because they have a child in the apartment currently. Alec kind of scoffs because it's just a kiss and Magnus is all, "You know how we get." And I'm like, "Do we really, though?" There's plenty of scenes of them talking and I can buy them as friends with that but lovers? I’m having a difficult time actually buying that now. Like I said before, the Jalec scene was way more believable than any Malec scene in this episode.

But Magnus decides he doesn't want to feel helpess ever again so he decides he needs to learn how to fight. Honestly, I was surprised to learn that this is implying he doesn't even seem to really have any basic self-defense capabilities. The way he was swinging the sword earlier in this episode lead to me to believe otherwise. Plus, Harry Shum Jr is a pretty buff dude but I guess maybe Magnus lifts weights and that’s it. Alec decides to help him out on this venture, though.

Siblings Reunited

We find out that Clary is indeed not dead and that Jonathon's back. I'll be real, here. It's kind of hard to feel sad for Jace or Simon or Luke or anyone really regarding the "death" of Clary, considering this entire episode is interspliced with moments of Clary being very much alive. Honestly, I think this episode would've functioned better if it was just about showing everyone going through all the different stages of grief regarding Clary and at the end of the episode when they've hit the acceptance stage, that's when we see Clary wake up in the apartment with Jonathon. But whatever. The show decided not to go that route so we have to make do with what we got. Clary wakes up and looking pretty damn fantastic for someone who's been asleep for days. Not a strand of hair out of place, make-up is flawless, and not a wrinkle to be found on her clothing. In fact, I think they're in even better condition than they were when Clary initially had to put them on. Clary also isn't even the slightest bit groggy, she knows exactly where she's at and everything. Clary does comas well. Jonathon tells Clary that it is indeed him, her big brother and that before Lillith was sent to hell she sent them away to Siberia, apparently. Clary plays nice for a little bit with Jonathon but decides to chance out in the cold of Siberia. It's nice to see that in her state of unconsciousness her muscles didn't atrophy from lack of movement or deteriorate from lack of food. But Clary fails in her escape, Jonathon finds her and brings her back. Clary tries to stab him with a knife but they both find out that what happens to one person will also happen to the other. So yeah, we're full in City of Lost Souls plot here which is ironically the title of this episode. Shadowhunters has never been all that subtle. This new actor for Jonathon is going to take some getting used to. Will Tudor did a phenomenal job with him so its difficult to see this new guy as Jonathon. But it also is difficult to take Clary's anger and hatred of Jonathon seriously when you think about all that Jonathon's really done on the show is kill a shadowhunter Clary had never met before and then injured Max and Max swiftly recovered. Clary is all about painting him as the worst possible being and indeed, in the books, he is but here, while he may be a bad guy who's done really bad things, I don't know if its deserving of that level of hatred. We haven't exactly seen a lot of his horrifying dastardly deeds. Another example of making a change and then thinking you can still keep the same storyline at a later point in the story. I'm certainly not saying I wanted Max to die but story-telling wise, it would make the emotions Clary's feeling here a little more believable. But I'm actually really interested to see where this whole Jonathon and Clary plot goes. In the books, it's Jace that's put in this situation so it'll be interestig to see how the show tackles Clary being in this situation. I'm also wondering, because they seem to be trying to stay away from the incest vibes here, is Jonathon going to gain an unhealthy obsession with Jace instead of Clary? In the books, Clary was who Jonathon was creepily obsessed with. He was equating possession with love and viewed that Clary belonged to him in every way imaginable. So since the roles of Clary and Jace have been reversed here, will Jonathon's obsession now change from Clary to Jace? Probably not but it would've been interesting to see for sure. I mean, if you're going to do a role reversal, you might as well go all the way, right?

The Clave Acting Shady AF

The Clave is being super shady right now. They appear to be doing experiments on the incarcerated downworlders and all I can say is, "do we really need this?" And also, "Why is it being implied that Jia knows about this and is okay with this?" The interesting thing about Jia in the books was the fact that she was the first step in the leadership to help get rid of the more corrupt aspects of the Clave and instigating change. But I suppose it's per the norm for the show to make everyone but the main group a bad guy instead of morally grey. As I've said before, this show has no concept of subtlety. I can only imagine that this is leading into the part in City of Glass the show hasn't done yet wherein the alliance rune is going to be introduced but instead of using it to fight Valentine, they're going to use it to fight Jonathon. That's what these downworlder experiments seem to be leading into as it reminds me a lot of Valentine experimenting in the books. I'm sure there was 0 social commentary intended when writing this into the show, though...but I think its safe to say it's totally social commentary. The show isn't very subtle, once again.

But good news is it looks like Ollie is gone for good so yay! I am side-eying the show, though about that. What was the point of introducing her if you weren't going to do anything with her? I'd say they probably wasted about half of 3A with Ollie unnecessarily. But maybe if this show hadn't been cancelled, Ollie would've played a more significant role? Well anyway, at least some of the fat has been trimmed.

My biggest issue, as always, is the dialogue. The dialogue felt extremely one-note. It was almost like the writer made a flow chart of what they wanted to happen in this episode and was like, "crap! I guess my characters do need to speak, here's some lines to explain what's going on." The dialogue basically existed solely for the purpose of giving exposition but the real kicker is that it was really unnecessary. I could've had this episode on silent (and that might've even have made it an improvement) and I would've understood what was happening perfectly. The dialogue really didn't add anything to the experience, it just made the episode feel more awkward than it already was. And then there continues the trend of Shadowhunters treating their awesome plans as if they’re the most clever plans in the world when in actuality, the plan is beyond obvious and it was super cringey and awkward seeing Izzy being treated as this amazing strategist for making the obvious move. And the episode was already plenty awkward with the constant cutting. It's really difficult to enjoy any particular subplot going on in this show when we only spend maybe 30 seconds to a minute on any particular moment. I kind of wish this show structured their episodes more around themes as opposed to plot. Plot is temporary, plot is always changing but exploring themes through plot gives you more of an appreciation not only for the characters but the story, itself. While I didn't mind sequences in this episode, at the end of the day, it just kind of left me feeling empty. I also think the acting felt a little stilted as well. I wasn't a big fan of any of the performances given in this episode and whereas I've never thought anyone on this show was oscar-worthy for their performances in the past on this show, their performances have always been maybe a C+ to a B. But in this episode, it just didn't feel like any of the actors' hearts were in it. Now granted, that could be a side effect of the script because, as I've mentioned before, the script wasn't great. Or it could've been the directing. There's a lot of reasons for why acting can feel stilted and it very rarely has to do with the actor or actress being bad at acting.

I've made notes about how the dialogue and acting was stilted but those weren't the only things that were. The fight choreography and the blocking felt a little off as well. For starters, the fight choreography did not feel organic. It was strangely reminiscent of season 1 fight choreography. The constant jump cuts so you don't see too much of what's actually happening and just feeling like fight scenes move very slowly. Like the reaction times between sword swing to parry were very slow and it kept on taking me out of the moment. Then you also had moments where Alec and Izzy catch up with Jace in the sewer and everyone's staring at the seelie they're trying to capture for a good 5 seconds before the actual fight continues. And then there's just strange blocking choices where a character walks to a point in the room and then delivers their line but the walk to the new mark wasn’t organic and actually made the line feel more awkward.

I'd probably give this episode a C+. It was passable, with enjoyable moments but ultimately not something I have any desire to return to. There were cute moments (primarily Jalec and Madzie), but overall as an episode, not something to be too terribly impressed with. And yes, there were moments I did like. It’s not my fault the show just had more bad parts I felt compelled to talk about.

#shadowhunters 3b #shadowhunters 3x11 #shadowhunters lost souls #rife with unpopular opinions #read at your own risk

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