#and that Durge's... uh interests might be legal aside from the graverobbing

[y-rhywbeth2]

Lore: Dating, Marriage, Sex, etc

Part 1/2

Link: Disclaimer regarding D&D "canon" & Index [tldr: D&D lore is a giant conflicting mess. Larian's lore is also a conflicting mess. There's a lot of lore; I don't know everything. You learn to take what you want and leave the rest, etc etc etc]

DnD isn't exactly a dating sim, so most of this lore comes from mining Ed Greenwood's answers to questions, but since his answers are apparently canon unless and until contradicted in published realmslore, here you go.

It's mostly in regards to human culture (and the Heartlands, Waterdeep etc at that) but I'll throw in some demihuman stuff here and there.

So sexuality, and the norms and moral values Torilians build around it: More tolerant and kinkier than Earth, for the most part, and still not a perfect bed of roses. (You won’t face legal oppression; you can get called slurs.)

Attitudes in the Realms

Dating

Sex (and a bit about contraception and conception)

Sexual Orientation

Polyamory

Cut for space and expected in the follow up: marriage, sex work, religion, and the absolutely deranged shit going on in some noble families.

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Attitudes about relationships in the Realms

The long and short of it is that the root of Toril’s mainstream attitude towards sex and relationships draws from the sexual revolution of the ‘60s and ‘70s.

Cultural variations on and subversions of these norms occur, but the rule of thumb, especially as it applies to the video games is as follows:

Sex is not a terribly big deal nor innately taboo; pseudo-puritan attitudes are solely the province of some old high priests on a few religions in a minority of a minority. Virginity and the loss thereof is meaningless unless you're nobility.

Pretty much anything is legal so long as all parties involved are capable of giving and gave consent on most of the planet (though legal isn’t the same as ‘approved of’).

Of course TSR, and later WotC, fell very much on the side of ‘we can’t publish that!’ So it got massively obscured. It only really came through now and again, usually in sly little hints that could get past the radar/editors, becoming more obvious with 4e and 5e (Although Sune and Sharess were flat out stated even back in 2e to ignore gender when they’re in the mood to seduce mortals, and we'd already had Mystra saying that gender is basically just a costume for gods (which Mask illustrates.))

The Realms itself still has bigotry to go around, of course, but generally it's the clergy of a select few gods and the nobles who'll make a fuss about such things, and the latter only in regards to their own social circles and inheritance shenanigans. A traveling merchant who encounters a culture that practices forms of relationships he personally disproves of was probably raised to be polite and keep the slurs unsaid; diversity encourages trade, offending your neighbours does not.

What is and isn’t morally acceptable to an individual is determined by church doctrine and dogma (which determines many of life’s aspects, including love and sex and what's good or bad (chastity vs promiscuity, monogamy vs polygamy, whether procreation is mandated or not or even a sin, if loving people instead of despising them is a sin or not, and what acts are taboo))... and all that as interpreted by the local priests, who may not agree with their fellows’ interpretations. Some gods declare chastity a sin and want you to engage in as many romantic and/or sexual relationships with as many different people in as many different ways as humanly possible. Loviatar mandates BDSM and Ilmater doesn't frown on it either.

Most deities probably aren't going to discriminate. Gods see the universe in terms of their portfolio: what aids it is good what opposes it is bad. Most portfolios aren't terribly impacted by mortal love lives and hormones so I suspect the vast majority of gods could not care less, and, as per Faiths and Avatars, the gods 'generally try to be as liberal as possible to try and attract as much worship as they can.'

With Toril being polytheistic all of these gods are due respect and conflicting dogmas are just a fact of life. Several times a day a person is likely to be confronted with a choice – usually a minor one – where one action will serve some gods and be a sin in the eyes of others, and the rule of thumb is that everybody accepts you can’t please all of them all the time. You live according to the gods you favour above all others and respect the faiths of those you don’t: you expect that people will mind their own business and do them the same courtesy.

In the majority of the realms, including the cities and realms of the Heartlands, Silverymoon, Waterdeep and etc, at least, people are open minded and tolerant. A rule of thumb is that cities are more liberal and rural areas more conservative, but even then their norms and values don’t necessarily match the modern earth norms that might spring to mind; the nuclear family unit is not necessarily seen as default and polyamory is very common in some villages.

Largely, there’s not a whole lot of emphasis put on identifying your sexuality or making it a big part of who you are: most Torilians wouldn’t understand the point of drawing attention to sexuality outside of occasions where it’s actually relevant. If you were visiting Baldur's Gate and pointed out two men getting married at the temple of Tymora the people around you would be utterly confused about why you felt the need to single out the gender of the couple.

‘Individuals may find [queer relationships] too much for themselves to handle, but the laws and general attitudes of society don’t frown on it.’

You may have to ‘pick your neighbours and friends’ to live comfortably, but that’s significantly easier to do on Toril than Earth especially because you should have no reason to worry about persecution or discrimination under the law for deviating from whatever moral code a particular priest might be espousing.

Bastard children and wedlock don't cause a fuss so long as you're not a highborn (or found to have cheated on your partner, one assumes).

Contraception is widely available and family planning is emphasised; you are firmly encouraged to use it in a dangerous world where famines and disasters mundane and supernatural mean babies at the wrong times can lessen the chances of survival (for you and them).

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Dating

Somebody who catches your eye is 'glim,' as in 'oh no he's hot' or 'she's well fit' or whatever. A Torilian who's very attractive is 'right glim.' As in they're 'glimmering.'

A term for a pair of lovers is 'brightbirds.'

Your 'fancyman,' 'fancylad,' or 'fancylass' is what your disapproving relatives will call your lover that you insist on seeing for reasons that escape them.

Waterdhavians call the target of their affections their 'rose,' which may get confusing as in other dialects a 'rose' is the slang term for a submissive woman in a Dom/sub relationship.

Red and black are considered the erotic/'sexy' colours. Garments featuring black lace and leather in particular.

Many priests, curiously, seem to find potential partners more attractive if they get a tattoo of their deity's holy symbol.

You can advertise your interest by wearing an artificial rose pinned to one shoulder: red signals that you're looking for a long-term romantic partner and black shows you're looking for sex. If the rose is made of steel then it indicates you're looking for a partner of the same gender. Wearing multiple roses indicates you're looking for multiple partners, but you might expect some raised eyebrows or comments if people think you're being overconfident. It's very rare to see women doing this looking for men, since it's thought of as a 'man thing' (wlw doing this to seek each other out apparently don't count to said men).

Sunites, as devotees of the goddess of love and beauty, are available for matchmaking services, advice and make overs.

Dancing - especially erotic dancing - is a large part of courtship trends across the cultural board. Which might tie in to the fact that all the goddesses of lust and love - Sharess/Zandilar, Sharindlar, Sune, Sheela Peryroyl, and to a certain extent, Lliira - are dancers or have dancing as a thing within their faith. Lliiran clergy give dancing lessons, and Sharessans and Sunites probably don't mind teaching either.

The only description of what a one might wear if one is feminine and wants to dress up and look fancy in human culture - the equivalent of a 'little black dress' - is a simple black gown with a high collar and plunging neckline in the front (the latter of which is optional). It's matched with a sash and boots and some small jewellery. If you want to 'dress down' the gown is pinned open to expose either bare skin or the underlying chemise (if you're going for a 'classy' look it'll be lacy and white).

Dwarven courtship involves a slow exchange of crafts made by ones own hand (this can be tools or physical artwork or things like poems and songs, the point is to illustrate your skill and the care you put in). You send it to the dwarf you're interested in, and hopefully they respond in kind. You then spend years doing this and slowly getting to know each other, eventually moving in and seeing if you can settle into something that can last past the initial spark before tying the knot.

Elven courtship apparently involves poetry, songs, and yet more erotic dances.

Drow have courting games called 'spider hunts' usually played at festivals by young drow, which are basically hide-and-seek.

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Sex (and a bit on procreation)

You can't just fuck somebody right in the market square, but borderline public sex hidden on a rooftop, or ducking into an empty alleyway is pretty common and tolerated behaviour. You are, however, encouraged to keep your shenanigans off the streets lest you 'scare the horses,' take yourselves home or to the nearest festhall/brothel, and keep your 'public displays' limited to appropriate festivals (Greengrass, for example, which is a fertility festival and usually involves dropping all inhibitions for the day).

Lingerie comes in black and red and lace clouts (underwear) and dethmas (bras) which can be readily bought in most cities. Lace-up boneless corsets and shapewear are available as unisex garments.

Sex toys named as existing include whips, dildos, clamps and 'tingling creams.'

I've heard something about halfling orgies, but have found no details beyond 'exotic food.'

And in the Realms you're more likely to say 'rutting' rather than 'fucking' when being vulgar/casual about sex. Unlike 'fuck' it doesn't seem to double as a curse.

If you're considering bedding a priests be warned that as gods are said to derive power from having their name said aloud priests tend to call their gods name in bed. Fervently. The enthusiasm and emotion behind it is supposed to have a positive effect.

Elven foreplay involves sensory deprivation and ear nibbling.

Contraception, as mentioned, is stressed upon. People are concerned about plagues, famines, monsters and other concerns that lead Faerûnians to place a lot of importance on family planning. Contraception is generally delivered via divine magic - a cleric or druid can render you temporarily barren/sterile, guarantee conception or freeze a pregnancy at its earliest and least detrimental stages to be resumed at a safe date. People can ensure that their children will be born in times when it's best for them to be born. Elves have apparently mastered birth control, and it's basically impossible to get a child from an elf when they don't want one.

You can also ask the gods nicely and if you make sufficient offerings the deity can also rearrange your organs a bit to change the way you procreate (or possibly allow you both methods). Generally people will ask the deity they have the most positive relationship with, but Sune and Lliira are the favoured choices in the pantheon. Of the gods not recommended are Bane, Shar, Malar (whose idea of the perfect transformation is lycanthropy) and Selûne (who gladly supports you, but she's considered too mercurial and everchanging. She's not one transition she's eternal, ever shifting transition beyond the human physical endurance or mental comprehension.)

Arcane magic can manage physical modification via transmutation and glamours, which people often play with either as part of exploring their gender identity or just for fun, but transmutation via divine magic is vastly superior at allowing you to be fertile after the change if that's a goal. Arcane magic struggles with that. Arcane magic that allows for surrogacy and sort of IVF apparently exists, having been invented by a pair of liches that wanted a child for whatever reason, but I don't know how commonplace that is.

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Sexual Orientation

Most people freely experiment in their youth, working out their preferences. Heterosexuality is the default, with bisexuality making up a sizeable second place and other sexualities constituting a fairly sized but unremarkable minority.

Obviously, the Isle of Lesbos does not exist and so neither does the world ‘lesbian’; Toril doesn’t have Earth’s terminology, it has its own words. It should be noted that some can be used in a derogatory fashion, although, considering reality, they could very well be reclaimed or have been stolen terminology twisted into slurs. The given terms, in Common, are:

Thruss - Lesbian Liyan - Gay man (elvish slang loanword) Praed - Gay man (gnomish slang loanword) Tasmar - Bisexual (masc.) Shaeda - Bisexual (fem.) (elvish slang loanword) 'No-thorn' - Asexual

Butches (‘harnor’) and effeminate mlm (‘dathna’) are liable to get scorn for their gender presentation more or rather than their sexuality.

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Polyamory

In some lands (unspecified which ones) it's unremarkable and even expected for a relationship to be open by default.

While obviously it's not socially acceptable to jump into anybody's bed with no consideration of your partner's feelings on the matter, it's not a foreign idea to see love and lust as separate concepts.

In rural areas one can find villages that definitely don't follow the nuclear family model with mixed families living under one roof, and symbolic polygamous marriages may factor into the traditions of some seasonal festivals. For example in Turmishan a farmstead is traditionally inhabited by a family consisting of four married people, usually two men and two women.