#and still feeling let down. and i'm mourning the loss of basically every single christmas tradition we ever had growing up
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went christmas shopping and couldn't work out why i was getting grumpier and grumpier until i remembered that i'm broke and december is historically Not A Good Month for me / my family`
#like. there were the homeless years. the year my childhood friend died. the year my nan died. the year my dad had a heart attack.#this year my grandfather is on the downhill slide to death's door so christmas is either gonna be spent grieving or visiting him in hospita#and this year is the first year since 2020 (the year my nan died) that we'll all be spending christmas together as a family and.#awful fights ALWAYS break out and i'm feeling a lot of pressure to step up and Make Christmas Happen for my youngest sister#cos mum's given up on trying and dad never tried very hard in the first place#and i'm tired of hearing 'it's gonna be a lean christmas this year' every single year and i'm tired of expecting not much#and still feeling let down. and i'm mourning the loss of basically every single christmas tradition we ever had growing up#that ever made it feel like christmas in the first place. augh.#sorry 4 grumpy vent in the tags. christmas brings into acute focus the poverty and dysfunction i can usually ignore the rest of the year#and i try so very hard not to compare cos ik no family is perfect and times are tough on everyone rn and social media is a facade!#but that's tiring too and sometimes i can't help myself.#urghhhhhh.#kiwi speaks#negative#vent
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