#and so i will remain an optimist even though we're about to enter the most stressful time of the offseason lmao

[cementcornfield]

Watched (listened) to this at work over the last two days and found it REALLY interesting. They go into the Bengals current cap situation and try to approach the offseason in conservative/bengals-like ways and STILL they manage to sign tee, ja'marr, and trey AND acquire some solid free agents to help the o-line/defense. Even when it comes to cash spending (and how stingy the bengals typically are with that), Jake keeps track of the average amount of cash spent over previous offseasons and they keep it within that range! Just a very fascinating look into what's possible and actually realistic in terms of how the organization could approach this Very Important Offseason™️

[writtenonreceipts]

This is the chapter that kinda started it all, especially the flashback. I’m trying to make things move faster than they want to.  I think I’m just resigned to be that fic writer who never finishes anything.  Sorry you have to deal with me…

Find the Masterlist Here // Ao3 Link

Warnings: These apply to the flashback portion at the end of the chapter: language (nothing major, just more than I typically like using), war, blood, injury, minor character death, if you’re iffy/worried dm me or send an ask and I can summarize details if you’d like.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

Where We've Been, Where We're Going--Part Eight  

The next few days continued in an easy rhythm.  

Rowan didn’t know what surprised him more--that he adapted so easily to the various tasks he had on hand or that he and Aelin had entered into a cautious friendship.

Though, to be frank, cautious was putting it lightly.  It was a situation he’d never found himself in before and he wasn’t sure how to proceed.  He made sure he wasn’t in the house when Aelin wasn’t and tried to stay out even when she was home, only returning when he had to or she sent him a message about an extra pizza slice in the fridge for him.  But he didn’t want to intrude.  Or he really just didn’t want to run the risk of letting something slip or proving just how incapable he was at being around other people.  

Keeping busy helped.  

Unfortunately, he didn’t sleep any better which was more of a pain than he’d let anyone know.    During the day he could distract himself with various tasks of making sure fence posts were even or he did a decent job installing windows.  At night, alone and in the silence, was when his mind would wander most.  It was here in the quiet confines of his mind that his memories came out from the shadows.

 For now, it was easy enough to keep to himself.  When he got too restless at night he’d go out and sit in the bed of the truck and stare out at the night sky.  More often than not, it was cloudless and he could watch the stars.  It was much as he did in Kovac only with different constellations.  

The only thing that really bothered him was ignoring the various texts and calls now that he was letting his phone remain charged up.  He’d only done it to keep Aelin appraised of his watching Meiri that one night.  And then, for some reason, he left the damn thing on and charged ever since.  

Aelin only sent him a few messages during the day.  Mostly simple reminders to eat something.  And then a few updates on Emrys as well.  Rowan didn’t tell Aelin he’d given Malakai his number already.  He didn’t want to run the risk of her not messaging as often as she did.

Which he realized made him a miserable ass, but he already knew that.

By the time two full weeks had passed since his arrival, Rowan had become a recognizable figure in Terrasen.  People actually knew his name and would greet him on the street or at the store.  Some would hire him out for odd jobs in their yards, even Sartaq let Rowan swing by to fix up a few other cars on occasion.

He was still helping get the motel up and running of course.  Emrys was still in rehab after some tests came back a little less optimistic than what the doctors preferred.  So, Rowan kept up his usual ritual of odd job help in the morning and hammering away at the motel until well into the night.

The routine was more helpful than he’d ever admit.

It almost made it easier to bear the memories.

Until his phone kept buzzing.  There was only one consistent number that reached out to him and after a while, Rowan wondered if he should just save the new contact.

Which was probably why he was currently distracting himself at Sartaq’s garage.

It was a late Friday afternoon with the usual summer heat and bright sunlight banking through the open doors.  Rowan was staring down into a nearly obliterated radiator and hose tear wondering just how poorly this car had been treated in the past when Sartaq finally broached a topic he’d much rather had avoided.

They’d both served in Kovac, Sartaq for such a short time and Rowan had been busy in sniper training that they’d never met.  Sartaq also hadn’t been in a position that could also lead him to potential harm.  Family strings and all.  Rowan didn’t begrudge the man for that--as far as he could tell, Sartaq would have been in the front lines even now if his family would allow it.  Instead, to keep him from getting himself killed, his wealthy parents let him land in Terrasen fixing up old cars.  Rowan had the feeling his new friend resented his family quite a bit even if he liked the work he was doing.

“Did you ever go to Orynth?” Sartaq asked.  He leaned over another car that had been brought over doing a general assessment on what would just be a break-check and oil change.

Rowan paused to wipe his hands on a grease rag, not really wanting to talk about the war.  But he figured Sartaq would be a decent enough guy to back off if Rowan started showing any signs of disinterest in the topic.

“No, but I heard it was rough,” he said. “One of my mates was reassigned there for a few weeks out of punishment.”

Lorcan never did say why Maeve made him go, just that he’d learned his lesson on the matter.  He did, however, share that they could all consider themselves lucky for not going.  Lorcan had always been that way: never sharing anything, never revealing anything, never opening up with vulnerability.

“Nesryn was stationed there for ages,” Sartaq said.  He often referred to his friend as though Rowan knew her himself.  As it was, she was a constant staple of conversation in the garage.  “Always said it was the worst place to be.”

“Isn’t she the one that would whip out a bow and arrow instead of actually using a gun in training?” Rowan asked.  In all honesty, he was desperate to have some sort of a good connection to his memories of Kovac instead of the blood and violence and misery.  So why not play into this conversation just a little?

Sartaq chuckled. “Yeah, probably.  She was only a translator so she never liked using a gun, but the locals had bows and arrows to use when their resources were so shitty.  So she’d entertain the kids when their parents were dying or after a raid when the Valg gangs would wreak havoc.  She was good like that.”

Rowan remembered her.  He’d never actually met her, only saw brief snippets of her or heard other soldiers talk about how she’d take no shit or stupid orders.  The one real memory he had occured after that damn raid that sent the rest of his military career into hell.  

He’d been kicked out of a debriefing and instead was trying to clean his rifle when this woman waltz through camp with a bow and arrow.  She had a bag full of candy and water on one shoulder and a beautiful handcrafted weapon on the other.  Kids tentatively approached while she put on a small show of all the odd places she could land and arrow from all sorts of strange positions.

It was the first time in a long time he’d seen the kids of the village smile.

“Yeah, Maeve got pissed at her for it too,” Rowan said.  He loosened a bolt on one of the spring clamps that needed to be replaced.  “Said she was being too distracting.  But Nesryn just shot an apple straight from a kid's hand.�� Didn’t even look.”

With a fond shake of his head, Sartaq didn’t say anything for a minute. “You were under Maeve’s command?”

And just like that, Rowan felt an icy dread pool in his gut.

“Yeah.”

“I heard about her and that prick Hammel.”

Static started buzzing in Rowan’s ears.  He crossed to where there were some extra bolts and equipment waiting to be used.  Tacky sweat gathered on his skin and he wondered if he could get along with disinterested grunts the rest of the day.

“They were always so elitist, yeah?  Really careful about who they let on their squad.”

Sartaq didn’t notice Rowan’s dilemma in the slightest.  Which was supposedly a good thing.  If he didn’t notice then he wouldn’t ask about it.  

“How’d you manage to be a part of that little cadre?”

“I was a sniper,” Rowan said.  He took his time picking out a new bolt, clamp, and radiator hose that would fit the car’s needs he was working on. “Had the best marks, I guess.”

“Strange she’d let you go after getting her claws in you.”

“Proof we don’t always get what we want,” Rowan said, lightly.  He added a laugh, strained though it was.  

So, Sartaq didn’t know about that last mission.  Not surprising considering how long he’d been out, but still.  Rowan was grateful he didn’t have to talk about it.  He could manage a passing tale about Talbot if he needed.  But that last raid?  The one where he’d screwed up enough to be stripped of his previous honors?  To be dishonorably discharged?  That one he’d take with him to his grave.

…

It was late the next day when Rowan got a call he actually wanted to pick up.

He was back at the motel trying to figure out how to reach one of the window ledges that had not been planned out very well when his phone buzzed.  The only reason he knew who it was was because Aelin stood and watched as he saved the number.

MALAKAI steamed across the screen in bold letters.

For a moment, Rowan worried if it was bad news.  He wasn’t sure he could handle a messy phone call.  But then he managed to convince himself that Malakai certainly wouldn’t try calling him if it were bad news about Emrys.  He’d be too focused on Aelin and his son. So, Rowan picked up the call.

“Malakai,” he greeted.

“Rowan, glad you have caught you,” Malakai said.  The unspoken I didn’t know if you’d actually answer was particularly loud in the brief silence that followed. “I wanted to let you know that Emrys’ numbers improved and he’s being discharged tomorrow.”

It was a strange thing to feel joy.  Especially when it had been so long since the last time you felt it.  So when his heart skipped and all the tension eased from his body, Rowan had no idea how to respond.

“That’s,” he finally managed, “that’s good to hear.”

“I tried calling Aelin, but I know she’s on shift,” Malakai said. “I know it would mean a lot to her if she knew sooner rather than later.  Would you mind going--”

“I can do that,” Rowan cut in.  Hell, there was nothing he’d want to do more. “I’ll head over there now, I was just finishing up one of the windows at the motel.”

There was a beat. “You were doing what now?”

Ah.  He’d forgotten he hadn’t actually told Malakai what he’d been doing the last two weeks.  Everyone just assumed he had and Rowan went along with it.

“I gotta go.”  Rowan hung up.  He didn’t really like talking to people anyways.

He made quick work of packing up and ensuring the motel was locked.  The ladder went around the far corner of the motel near the alleyway.  Despite some rambunctious teens and the usual problematic people in a small town, nothing was really in danger of getting stolen.  Plus, Rowan would see to it personally if anything was taken from Malakai and Emrys.

He closed up his tool box and settled it in the bed of his truck before driving the short few blocks to the diner.

The parking lot was nearly empty aside from Nox’s car around back.  Aelin usually walked to work whenever she could.  Only a dark truck was in the lot and Rowan recognized that as Mr. Aguayo’s.  He always swung by to purchase an order of steak and gravy for his pregnant wife.

Rowan parked near the back of the lot, not minding an extra walk.  It was still warm even as the summer days slowly drifted closer to fall.  From what he’d heard, it wasn’t until October that the weather drifted below seventy degrees.  And then usually the first snow came in November.  It’d been ages since Rowan had experienced snow and he wondered what it would be like…

Though, he’d be leaving soon enough so it didn’t really matter.

Mr. Aguayo was leaving just as Rowan walked up to the door.  They exchanged a quick greeting--Rowan really didn’t know the man very well aside from his small landscaping business.  And Mrs. Aguayo loved her steak cooked at a medium rare.  And she often craved Funyuns too.

Once inside the diner, Rowan almost felt like home.  The 50’s aesthetic was just as garish as the first day he’d been in there.  The red booths and checked floor looked a bit tired, but clean.  

“Welcome in! Oh, Rowan.” Aelin rounded the corner from the back of the restaurant, dressed in her usual shorts, t-shirt, and an apron that had seen better days.  Her blonde hair was in a long braid over one shoulder, frayed edges poking out after a day of running between tables. “You here to eat?”

“Have you checked your phone recently?” he asked instead, though he knew that if she’d seen any messages from Malakai she would have already heard the news and would have been telling him all about it.

She frowned, scrambling for the pockets of her apron. “What happened?  Is it Marion?”

“Wh-No, no,” Rowan said.  He wondered briefly why her mind went straight to Marion, but he hurried to cross the space between them to reassure her.  He rested a hand on her arm before he thought better of it. “It’s good news, I promise.”

She stared at him with wide, blue eyes.  There was apprehension there, but trust too.  It had been so long since anyone had looked at him like that, trusting and open, that Rowan found himself speechless.

“Emrys is being released from the hospital tomorrow.”  He didn’t want her hanging on anymore of his words waiting for bad news. “Malakai just called me.”

Aelin released a shaky breath before she laughed.  And then, in a turn of events that Rowan had not expected, she threw her arms around him in a hug.

The first thing Rowan noticed was the fact that Aelin smelled like jasmine and honey.  The second was her soft curves and vice like grip.  And then he thought about how long it had been since someone had hugged him.

No one on his squad cared for anything other than the roughhousing or smacks upside the head.  He hadn’t seen either of his cousins since before he enlisted and even then, the Whitethorn’s weren’t touchy-feely.  And that was it.  That was everyone he knew that he would even consider hugging.  And here was Aelin who had been through hell and back hugging him as though they were friends as though she actually liked him.

And he had no idea what to do.

Oh he knew the mechanics of a hug and how not to be a complete robot in his emotions.  Somewhat.  But this was Aelin.  Who in just a few short weeks had come to actually mean something to him even if he didn’t know how to define it.  And he was Rowan who had only ever been a complete and utter screw-up.  In everything.

“Sorry,” Aelin said, pulling back while Rowan just stood there. Her cheeks were flushed with a mix of embarrassment and residual excitement. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.  I wasn’t thinking.”

Rowan cleared his throat, nose still tingling with the scent of her. “It’s fine.  It’s good news.”

“Yeah, it is,” she agreed.  She was still smiling but it was jaded now after he’d gone and made things awkward by not hugging her back. She brushed an errant hair from her eyes and didn’t meet his eyes. “Really good news.  I know they’re both ready for him to be home.  And Luca will be so excited too.  He’s been a mess since it happened.”

“It’ll be good for him to come home,” Rowan said.  This was the type of news everyone deserved to receive.  The type of news Rowan wished he could have given more than he did.

“Emrys always had that way about him of just making a place home, you know?  And giving me so much patience when I didn’t deserve it.”  Aelin exhaled slowly before looking at him. “Thank-you for coming to tell me.”

“I was glad to,” he said.  Really, it was the best change of pace from having to acknowledge another death.  And if it meant seeing her smile like that and have a bit of joy in her life?  Rowan would do anything for her to keep smiling, he decided.

“I’ve been a mess all week with his new tests going through,” Aelin said as she finished pulling her phone out of her apron pocket. “And Meiri is not enjoying daycare this summer, plus Marion--”

She waved a hand in dismissal and pulled up Malakai’s number on her screen.  Rowan should have left then, a part of him was screaming too.  She still had an hour on her shift, he’d told her what he wanted to, and there was still daylight left to try and finish another window at the motel.  And if not that, Murtaugh at the hardware store donated paint to help give the motel a new look.  Rowan could start in on that.  And yet, he stayed.

“Malakai,” Aelin said when the other line picked up. “Yeah, no, Rowan just told me.  He’s coming home tomorrow?...Good, that’s so good to hear…I’ll make sure Chaol brings Luca home…You too.”

She hung up, a small smile still on her lips.

“We’re going to have a welcome home party,” she announced.  She nodded firmly to assert her words more fully. “With chocolate cake.”

There was nothing that sounded more like Aelin than chocolate cake and parties.  Rowan could easily imagine that Aelin would put an overwhelming amount of detail and care into such a venture.  For the first time in knowing her, she actually looked happy and at peace.  Which, from what Rowan had gathered about her, was a miracle in itself.

“You’re going to come, right?” Aelin asked.

Rowan hesitated.  As of late, he’d never been one for social gatherings.  Especially not with so many people he didn’t know.  Sure the last few weeks he’d gotten to know many of the people in town.  But it wasn’t the same.  Not when the second the motel was finished he’d be gone and in California.

Crowds especially had been difficult and he’d avoided them ever since coming back home.  Most of the time he knew what his triggers were and how to avoid them.  Being in a crowded room could easily overwhelm him.

“I--” Rowan was blissfully cut off when the door of the diner opened and Chaol walked in.

The sheriff was only partially dressed in his uniform--the tan pants that most law officers wore looked a little worse for wear as they were stained with dirt, grass, and dark splotches that were almost certainly blood.  Instead of the usual brown button-up, he wore a plain white t-shirt that was a mess of dirt and dried blood.

“What happened to you?” Aelin asked when she took Chaol in.  

“Bad day,” Chaol said.  He scowled and ran a hand through his short hair.  “Told Luca I’d pick up food.”

It looked decidedly worse than a bad day but Rowan had a feeling Aelin was already gearing up to chew Chaol out.

“You have blood on your shirt,” she said, resting her hands on her hips.  She fixed Chaol with a glare that rivaled even the worst that Rowan had received.

Chaol returned the deadpanned stare. “It’s fine.”

Rolling her eyes, Aelin turned to head back to the kitchen. “There’s a few extra sandwiches in the back, give me a minute and I’ll do up some fries.”

“Thank’s Aelin,” Chaol called after her.  She waved a hand overhead to acknowledge she’d heard.

It was only when she was gone that Chaol sighed and ran a hand over his face.  He eyed Rowan for a moment before speaking up.

“It was an accident involving a kid,” Chaol admitted lightly. “Ten-years old.  Nothing anyone could have done.  And you know she wouldn’t take that easily.”

It was the simplest explanation he could have given, but Rowan could already paint an exact picture of what had happened.  Especially with how run down Chaol appeared now.  Rowan wondered why Chaol would take it on himself to use a filter around Aelin, especially considering her no nonsense attitude and strong will to simply survive.  Though, he’d try not to judge the sheriff too harshly for his choice.

He’d lived through his fair share of accidents. Accidents where no matter what anyone did it just wasn’t enough.

Rowan knew exactly what that was like.

“I’m sorry,” he said honestly.  

He thought, briefly, about spoiling the news of Emrys’ hospital release, but decided that would best be left for Aelin to reveal.  Besides, he needed to leave.  He didn’t know where he needed to be just anywhere but here.

Instead, Rowan offered a single nod and headed back out of the diner.  “Have a good night.”

Chaol frowned in confusion, gesturing to the kitchen doorway where Aelin had gone. “Do you want--”

But Rowan was already gone, lost to the heat of the night and the memories of his past.

…

There was a man dying next to him.

Rowan didn’t know him.  Rowan didn’t want to know him.

All he knew was that just moments before this man had been trying to kill him.  And he knew that now, amid the darkening shadows of the night, he was trying to say one final round of prayers.  And he knew that the blood seeping into the dusty ground was innocent.  Innocent.  Innocent because what right did Rowan have to kill this man?  Because of a raid that might not amount to anything?  Because of a war that had been drawn on so long that violence had become the only answer for any question asked.

The man’s final breath rattled wetly.

Forcing the man from his mind, Rowan pulled his knife from the man's gut and returned to his rifle.  He had to wipe the blood from his fingers first, but that couldn’t be avoided.  He slowly wrapped his fingers around the grips and rested his finger on the trigger.  When a soft breeze blew, the wet blood caused a chill to snatch across his skin.

Through his sights he could see the streets of the village they were about to raid.  Maeve was insistent the Valg gang that had been terrorizing this side of the city would be moving weapons tonight.  Rowan didn’t know where exactly the intel had come from, only that it was from a reliable source.  He supposed the dead man beside him was evidence enough.

Hammel had barely developed a plan besides watching the trucks that rolled in and out of the city.  Even though it had been one week since his arrival, the new co-captain hardly seemed interested in doing his job.

“White Hawk?” Gavriel’s voice came over on the coms. “I saw signs of a struggle.  You good?”

Rowan clicked his com in acknowledgement.

“Where’s Talbot?” Gavriel demanded. “Shouldn’t he have your back?”

“Taking care of a few spooks, sir,” came Talbot’s quiet reply, “circling back now.”

Rowan hadn’t been concerned over the kid making sure they wouldn’t have any more surprises.  While Talbot was a little younger than him, he was eager and a hard worker.  Smart too.  He would trust him with his life and not just because he had to.

“All clear at the North and East entrances,” Rowan murmured in his coms.

At his words he watched as Hernandez led a group of her soldiers through the street to the building in question.  Rowan had seen at least three targets circle back to the building over the course of the night, each either carrying something or pushing a cart.  The thing was, this area was family dense.  Someone could simply be transporting food or extra blankets or wanting to move in the dark without being seen.  

Then why had the man beside him tried to attack him?

Rowan watched and listened as Hammel ordered the entrance.  Half of the squad took the front and Gavriel led the others through the back.  It would play out like it always did: orders to stand down, not to move, don’t resist, watch the west side.

It was how it should have gone.

“Front’s still clear,” Rowan said into his coms, “Redline, what’s your status?”

Talbot remained silent.

“Redline?” Rowan repeated.  He switched to the mainline for the rest of the squad just in case the network was fritzing. “Talbot, check in.”

There was a flicker to the north side of the building the squad was raiding.  Rowan turned his scope in that direction and adjusted his sights.

“Lionheart we’ve got a bogie to the north, Redline is unresponsive.”

“Roger that,” Gavriel responded. “Keep your eyes open, White Hawk.”

Rowan tried to ignore the feeling in his gut that grew with every passing second.  Something was wrong.  He didn’t know what it was, but it was damn near palpable.  Talbot never went radio silent.  Not like this.  Hell, he had to remind the kid to stop talking when they were on stakeouts.  But Talbot was still responsible.  He knew his duties and he did them well.  

For one, brief moment, Rowan considered leaving his post and looking for the kid.  But with Maeve and Hammel watching, he knew he couldn’t.  All he could do was hope the kid showed up. Maybe his radio disconnected and he just hadn’t noticed.  Or he didn’t charge it properly before the mission.  It had happened once before.  Or--

“White Hawk?” Talbot’s quiet voice crackled through Rowan’s radio.

Thank the fates. “Where the hell have you been, kid?  I’ve been--”

“Found something,” Talbot cut in.  His voice was still distorted with a bad connection, static fizzing and popping horribly. “Had to make sure,” a loud pop of static, “something’s wrong, can’t reach Lionheart.”

“Repeat that, Redline, you’re breaking up,” Rowan said.  He kept his sights trained on where he’d seen the flicker of movement, knowing Gavriel was keeping tabs on the other side of the homestead they were raiding.  As far as Rowan could tell there was just a flickering curtain he’d already cleared.  And a flash of silver but given this part of the village that shouldn’t be a concern.  He’d noticed something similar, but it flicked so irregularly that he decided it was nothing important.  Morse code wasn’t universal, but Rowan knew most codes various countries used and there was no discernible pattern that he could note.

“Rowan,” Talbot’s voice finally rang clear and strong. 

“Talbot--Danny,” Rowan sighed, relieved. “What happened?”

“Think I was spotted,” Talbot said, “I came back around to see where the bogie came from.  Saw something weird.  Rowan, we gotta pull out.”

“Hold on kid.”  Rowan did a sweep of the surrounding area but didn’t see anything.  “Where are you?”

“North.  There’s a few Kovac soldiers dragging boxes around,” Talbot said as the static returned. “Rowan…I think they’re smugglers not--”

Talbot was cut off by something crashing on his end followed by a shout in another language.

“Talbot?” Rowan shifted, drawing one hand to his commlink and pressing it into his ear, as if that would help with the connection. When no response came Rowan switched frequencies. “Lionheart, we’ve got a situation.  I think Redline found trouble.”

There was a pause and a round of muffled voices before Gavriel responded.

“Copy,” Gavriel finally replied. “We’ve got it under control here, I’ll send Fenrys--”

“There’s no time,” Rowan said, nerves spiking despite how hard he was working to control himself.

Rowan was up and moving before the captain finished speaking.  He made sure to stay low and keep his position as uncompromised as possible.  The hot air whipped around him digging sand between his skin and the straps of his goggles.  Sweat trickled down his back as he moved.  Even at night the heat was unbearable.  

The discomfort all but faded from Rowan’s mind as he ran down the dusty trail than wound down from his snipers nest.  Underbrush crunched beneath his feet and sand picked up in thick plumes.  Rowan hardly noticed.  In a matter of minutes he was down from the bluffs and in the near empty streets.  He hardly noticed the weight of his rifle in his hands as he ducked behind the wall of a small home.  There was nothing to indicate any potential danger.  

He slipped around the corner keeping his gun ready and eyes open.  Nothing.  Nothing but the wind picking up and the sound of scattering debris.

“Whitethorn, what are you doing?” Gavriel demanded through the comms.

Rowan ignored him as he sprinted down the road to the building he last saw Talbot clear.  He was closing in by the yards, slipping behind doorways or abandoned carts when he thought he saw something.  He didn’t dare try and contact Talbot in case his radio crackled, giving him away.

On cat's feet, Rowan darted the last stretch of road to where he’d last clocked Talbot.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary--no extra footsteps, no strange sights.  All there was, was the faint, sweet scent of almonds.  But then it dissipated.  

Rowan was about to risk radioing Talbot just to see if he saw anything, or if he’d changed location when the first shot rang out.

The singular pop echoed through the otherwise silent night.

And Rowan felt his heart seize.

Time passed too slow as he dropped all pretense of stealth.  Another gunshot rang out as Rowan pushed himself harder through the streets.  He threw open the door of the house Talbot was checking.  Through his radio he heard Hammel and Gavriel both yelling at him.  The first to stand down the second to report.

Rowan focused only on his steps, his breathing, the tight turn around a corner and the body he found slumped against the wall.

Blood smeared in an aftershadow against the dark wood and already began trickling down in a slow, slow pull.

“Man down,” Rowan said into his radio, “medic needed.”

His voice was strangely calm as he said the words.  

His body too as he dropped down beside Talbot.  Already there was a pool of blood forming beneath the other man.  How, with all the layers Talbot was wearing, was that possible?  Rowan wouldn’t let himself think of the implications.

“Talbot,” he said, pressing his hands over the first entry wound he saw, hot blood wrapped around his fingers. “Talbot, look at me!”

With a groan and a cough, Talbot’s eyes fluttered open. “What’re y’doing, Whitethorn?”

“Applying pressure, you idiot,” Rowan said. “You’re gonna be fine, alrigh’?”

Talbot tried to laugh and Rowan pretended it wasn’t blood pooling at the corners of his mouth.

“Two gunshot wounds, gut ‘nd chest.  I’m not…I’m not--”

“Shut up,” Rowan growled, “I said you’re gonna be fine.”

His radio was going off with demands for answers, the eta of a medic, the call for a pull back.  Rowan ignored it all.  He should have been able to respond to some of the calls, should have multi-tasked, but all he could do was apply pressure to the wounds hemorrhaging blood and the way Talbot’s face quickly became ashen.

“Just talk to me, alright, kid?” he said. “What happened? We had the clear.”

Talbot’s head lolled to the side, eyes bleary as he tried to focus. “I saw him.”

“Who?  Who’d you see?”  Where was the medic?

“Thought my mind was playing tricks on me, he shouldn’t be here,” Talbot continued.  He weakly raised a hand to latch on to Rowan’s wrist. “Rowan--”

He had no idea what Talbot was going on about.  The slur of his words, the confusion--none of it was good.  Rowan pressed harder on the wounds, blood hot even as the beat of Talbot’s heart stuttered.

“We’re gonna get you fixed up,” Rowan said, “then you're gonna go home and see your mom, alright?  I’ll come visit, you can show me all there is to see.  Like that county fair, yeah?”

“It ain’t shit,” Talbot laughed, falling into a wet cough. Rowan held him down. “You should go to the mountains.  The mountains--”

Rowan’s radio crackled.  Medic on route.  They should have already been here.

“You gotta do something for me Rowan,” Talbot said, his voice growing too weak. “You gotta tell my family--”

“Tell them yourself.”

“Tell them, I’m so-sorry.”

Rowan stared down at his friend.  Slowly, the rest of the world came back.  The too hot air and metallic tang of blood.  The shouts in the distance.  The decrepit creak of wood where they sat.  There was noise and chaos in a world that just kept moving and Rowan…and Rowan…

“It’s gonna be fine,” Talbot whispered.

And then he was gone.

And Rowan had blood on his hands.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

tags still aren't working for me so if you'd reblog for more people to see this update, I'd really appreciate it. as always, i'm so grateful for ya'll <3

[devybear99]

Blessing vs Lesson

Thousands of people enter our lives. Most just passing by, some just acquaintances in certain scenarios. Others making some kind of an impact or influencing your life to some degree. It bewilders me how one person can just enter your life from stage left and just sweep you off your feet. On the other hand, some people who you thought were so much more and impacted your life are sadly just a learning lesson. Everyone who comes into your life and makes any kind of difference are either a blessing or lesson. I've had my experiences where someone who was once a significant part of my life is now not even in it. For a long time I thought he was a blessing.. ultimately though after reflecting on the past and healing I realized it was quite the opposite. I learned several lessons from him, such as healthy boundaries. Self love. Self respect. Knowing what qualities I truly want out of my partner. I've always been optimistic about love. Love is SO powerful and I believe with my entire heart if you're in love (both ways) you can make it through anything. Something many people do not understand is that there is a major difference when loving someone vs being IN love with someone. It took me a very long time to really decipher the difference.. but having that understanding was what led me to realizing no matter what I did, we weren't gonna work. I could give it my all but he was not in love with me. Due to that simple fact it was a uphill battle I was never going to win. Though I consider him and that experience a valuable lesson in my love life, I consider it a blessing as well. If things didn't go the way they did.. I would never have met you. You.. take the breath away from me. You make my worst days okay, and the good days seem like a dream come true. You make me smile, internally with my heart too. You're so sweet and understanding. You make me feel safe, and most importantly you make me feel loved. We haven't gotten to that point where we say I love you.. but that doesn't mean the feeling isn't there. Due to social standards and me not wanting to scare you away I definitely am not saying it yet, I'll be patient for you. Being the first one to say "I love you" is scary to a degree. The timing of it is difficult cause you don't necessarily know where your partner is at with their feelings. I had a conversation with a close friend and I had asked her when she thinks it's the right time to tell someone you love them. She said something that really stuck out to me: Regardless of whether or not you say "I love you" you are still feeling it. The only thing that changed is now you are trying not to say it simply due to the fear of scaring them away. The moment I realized I loved you was when I was having negative/anxious feelings about us (due to past trauma coming up) and I brought my feelings to you and expressed the fear/anxiety I had. The way you reassured me spoke VOLUMES. It touched my heart, I felt so seen, so understood and so loved. I have never once experienced the kind of reassurance/love you gave to me right then and there. Your conviction did not once waiver.. you did something that someone who I had been involved with for years could not accomplish even once. Maybe cause he didn't have the level of care you possess, I don't know. However, what I do know is that this is the kind of love I have been YEARNING for, for so damn long. I will literally do anything to protect it and keep our relationship beautiful. I have cut off close to 10 people because they disrespected the relationship we're building. The past can remain in the past, however if someone flirts with me AFTER I tell them I am with someone, or in another instance try to sneakily get with me KNOWING I am in a relationship is absolutely disgusting to me. You are worth fighting for; I'll cut anyone off who doesn't serve us without a second thought. Real friends wouldn't be disrespectful like that. I'll cherish you for the rest of my life for as long as I live. I will continue to love you and your beautiful soul in the afterlife as well. You are my blessing.

[martin-ftw]

New Hollow Knight Story!

My first long story and first written piece about Hollow Knight!

This one is inspired from an ask from @arty-cakes and all their art in general,

as well as many others in the community, including @scribbleshanks , @fly-sky-high-hollow-knight , @payasita​ , @soft-quirrel , @chipper-smol, @mipexch and many many many other fantastic artists that would simply take too long to list out. Just wanted to thank these amazing people before I start. ^^

PS: Unsure what title to give, I'm just gonna use a cliché one until someone gives me a better one lmao

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The adventure

"Bury the knight with her broken nail, bury the... pri.. priest?"

"In his tattered gown, Myla"

"Oh, right, right, thanks Clothy"

Chapter 1: Myla and Cloth

The two of them walk out of the mines to the orange, blindingly bright crossroads. Myla sits on top of Cloth, drowsily holding a pickaxe while Cloth is in a combat-ready position, holding out her weapon and traversing through the crossroads.

"This place gives me the creeps, the mines are much more peaceful, I hate orange" said Myla, in a resentful tone.

"Its dangerous around here, we should get up as fast as we can" said Cloth in reassurance.

"I'd throw my pickaxe at them if it wasn't for the blunted head from all the mining" replied Myla, joyfully.

With chuckles and giggles, they ascend the platforms and up the well to Dirtmouth

"Oho, what brings you two up here?" Elderbug, surprised

"Nothing much, we came to see Hornet! Myla's a little sick so we was wanted to check her out and make sure she's fine" replied Cloth as Myla climbs down her club carefully.

"Ah I see, I'm sure she'll be fine! Hornet's in sly's shop, they're probably training with the knight, would like to sit for a while?"

"Hmm sure we ca-"

As Cloth accepted the offer, a loud "-SHAW!" is heard from Sly's basement

Myla, intrigued, "But I wanna see what they're doing! Can we go watch?"

"If you say so, Myla, --Elderbug you wanna come with?" said Cloth, bringing Myla up her head.

"I'm fine, combat's not my cup of tea. You two have fun down there!"

And like that, they wave their goodbyes and part their ways, with the Cloth duo going into Sly's shop.

Chapter 2: The action

Myla and Cloth cheerily descend to the basement, loud metal clangs can be heard even outside the shop

"You're agitated today arent you, little ghost" said Hornet, panting in a parry pose.

The knight shrugged and signed the words "I guess", learning the lesson of not attacking during enemy parries.

As the knight charges up their nail art, Hornet breaks out of parry and uses a spike attack, suspending string-spike balls in the arena. The knight releases a powerful cyclone slash, the one they just learned from Mato, slashing the spiky balls into the corner of the room

Myla let out a "Woah" as the knight approaches Hornet, preparing a dash slash.

*Clang*

The nail hitting was so loud it could be heard from deepnest. Startled by the sound, Cloth hugged Myla closely and they closed their eyes from reflex.

Opening their eyes, Sly is seen in between the knight and hornet, with his nail stopping knight's nail from hitting Hornet. How did he get there so fast?

"Good job knight, nice timing on the art." commented Sly, satisfied.

"Hey that's no fair, you already beat me twice!" exclaimed Hornet, exhausted.

The knight lower their nail, and notice the Myla duo standing next to the ladder.

"Hi", waved the knight, the easiest sign language they know that even Myla would understand.

Hornet sits down and turns her head over, while Sly walks toward the Clyla duo.

"That was awesome!" said Cloth, thrilled.

The ghost smiled, signing "Thanks" to the duo as Myla jumps up and down excitedly.

Regaining her strength in mere seconds, Hornet stands up and swings over, "It'd be better if I won, ghost is way too strong. -What are you two doing here?"

"Ah, right, Myla is a little sick, she's experiencing some memory lost and drowsiness" Cloth says, as Myla eagerly touches the knight's upgraded Coiled nail, intrigued as always.

"I think the infection is creeping into the mines, we should give her some treatment" said Hornet, concerned.

With that, Sly clears off the floor of dust and spikes and the 5 of them ascend the ladder.

Chapter 3:

Chapter 3.1: Lifeblood

The 5 of them come out of the shop to meet Elderbug, the cool dude.

"Oho we got quite the party here, you guys heading down?" said Elderbug joyfully, holding a flower in his hands.

"Yeah, we're gonna give the Mantis bros a visit, Myla needs some lifeblood, she's a little sick." replied Hornet, causally.

"Oh I hope you're well little guy," Elderbug said to Myla, patting Myla's head as she delicately touches the petals of the flower, "Safe journey down there you guys, the crossroads give a stink."

"Thanks Elderbug, we'll be careful. Sly would you like to come with us?"

"Uhh, sure thing! It's been a while since I've visited my buddies", said Sly.

With that, they descend the well into the crossroads.

Chapter 3.2: Mantis village

"Myla, are you okay? Is it the mushrooms or the acid?" Cloth said while the knight looks up in concern.

"No no, I'm fine, just a little sleepy" Myla yawned, adjusting her sit.

"Take a nap then little guy, we'll be there in no time" said Cloth and Hornet, almost in unison

They chuckled, entering the mantis village.

A mantis warrior bows upon seeing the knight, welcoming their entry, the knight politely bows back.

They travel through the village and gets to the bottom of the village, where they meet the Mantis lords. They stand up and bow while the 5 travellers bow back.

"It's been a while, what brings you lots here?", said the tallest mantis.

"If we could, we are here to take some Lifeblood, Myla is a little ill" said Hornet while the knight looks at the sleeping Myla on top of Cloth.

Due to the lack of care, most lifeblood cocoons in Hallownest have died down, remaining only 2 active and reproducing cocoons: The one in Mantis village surviving due to the care from the Mantis tribe; and a man-made cocoon Joni's repose, an artificial breeding center made by the knight with the power of both Joni's blessing and lifeblood core.

"Ah why of course, we wish the little one well!"

As the knight carried Myla and climbed up the wall to the lifeblood cocoon, Hornet proceeded to chat with the Mantis lords.

"How's the deepnest going? Still giving you guys trouble?"

"Ah though there are occasional intruders, they seem to have calmed down after..." She paused, "after your mother ascended" continued the other Mantis lord

"Its okay, I'm over it, the knight gotta do their mission afterall." sighed Hornet.

"Is the little one getting infected? Is she okay?" said the tallest Mantis, shifting the center of attention to alleviate the atmosphere

"Oh, yes, the infection from crossroads are creeping into the mines and Myla is mildly affected. I'm sure she'll be fine with us around" said Cloth, optimistically.

"The crossroads are infected? Since when?" exclaimed one of the lords.

The knight, standing on the ledge of the Lifeblood cocoon, turned down and signed "Dreamers"

"I see, though with the temple being in the center, it's no wonder the place gets flooded. Please wish Elderbug well for us when you return to Dirtmouth."

"Will do!" said Cloth and the knight nodded in agreement.

Time passes while the party chats with the Mantis Lords, especially Sly as he's a newcomer to the village.

"You guys doing good up there?" said Cloth, "Need our help?"

The knight gives them a thumbs-up as they carefully cutopen the Lifeblood seed with their nail, feeding the Lifeblood to Myla.

"She looks sleepy," commented by one of the Mantis, "Does she need a place to sleep? We have a bench in our village protected by one of our senior warriors."

As she says this, the knight waves their tiny hands, holding Myla's pickaxe on one hand and pointing to the blunt unsharpened edges on her pickaxe with the other.

"How observant, little ghost, you want to find the Nailsmith?" Replied Hornet.

Decide the future of the story

Route 4a: All 5 members to Nailsmith

Route 4b: Myla+Cloth rest at Mantis village, Sly+Hornet+Knight to Nailsmith

Route 4c: Myla+Knight rest at Mantis village, Sly+Hornet+Cloth to Nailsmith

Click here to vote for the future! 

I have ideas for all 3 scenarios so just choose to your heart :D

Thanks again to the amazing hollow knight community producing many beautiful art and intriguing fanfic/AUs, curious to see which route wins :D

Edit 1: Spelling mistakes + pronouns