#and so he turns inward to self-destruction to feel anything because he's fighting the numbness but doesn't want to lose himself to it

[anticidic]

not even lowkey, but high key thinking about how both Dazai and Chuuya since a young age used destructive behaviors to cope/feel something as they both struggle with feeling human enough in their own ways.

The state of Chuuya's mind at the start of Stormbringer reflects in an empty room with a bed, desk, and a liquor bottle on top. How he also stress smokes. Feeling alone and isolated in a way despite being surrounded by The Flags and others because he doesn't feel like he quite fits in. He's suddenly surrounded by people much older than him when he's a kid recently off the streets.

Similarly, Dazai struggling with ideation/attempts and also drinking and smoking from a young age. But the fact he drinks whiskey and shows a high tolerance when he's still a teenager is pretty concerning on its own.

They both lived in homes that lacked personality or gave insight to their hobbies or what they liked to do for fun. They were just places to sleep, roofs over their heads. Chuuya didn't know how to live, but Dazai also didn't as he willingly chose to live in a shipping container and isolate himself from others. It's part of the numbing. It gets him away from all the evil of the world, but also its better parts.

Dealing with mafia-related business and being exposed to violence and death on a constant basis rapidly desensitized them to the point of just being totally and utterly numb because at first they had to be, and now it's just a constant state of being. Dazai saw the worst of what humanity had to offer while in the mafia and he just progressively spiraled until defecting. Even Chuuya being on the streets as a kid and in constant survival mode was exposed to the uglier side of life. There's no time to think about playing video games when he had to worry about getting enough to eat and sleeping with one eye open. Now Chuuya constantly works because he's needed by the mafia, the people, the city.

Going through the motions of everyday life doesn't do anything for them and they look to destructive behaviors to feel something because, deep down, they both have the same fear of losing themselves entirely.

That fear of losing himself is so strong within Chuuya he resists corruption's influence to completely overtake him and he can still recognize faces and speak. He's forgiving sometimes to a fault despite being wronged a lot and it shows he doesn't let rage blindly consume him. He's lost so many people up until now that the times he's snapped and gotten vengeance are few and far in between, but it's normal for people to have breaking points. It's human. Just as Oda's death was the catalyst for Dazai leaving. And people have different breaking points.

[phantom-curve]

did I shatter you? pt.3

part one: you’re not my homeland anymore | part two: when a good man hurts you | part three: there’s an ache in you, put there by the ache in me | part four: my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand | epilogue: what died didn’t stay dead

They rode the train together in silence. Side by side, leaning into each other occasionally when their car screeched around a corner. They held hands in the yellow light of the Barclays Stadium stop as they transferred from the Q to the D, and still they didn’t talk. It was another silent agreement to pause their conversation for now. They had broken through the first heavy layer of their past. They needed a safer harbor if they were going to keep digging. When Julie had shyly mentioned the apartment, she had seen the way Luke’s eyes lit up and then watched him immediately feel the devastating blow of realizing she had kept both of the homes they had shared. It was only minutes later that they were walking to the subway stop on Ocean Parkway, fingertips brushing every few steps.

The snow had stopped by the time they were climbing the steps to the West 4th Street exit. A thick blanket of white covered the ground, muffling the normal sounds of the city. Julie felt as if the universe had created this quiet cocoon just for the two of them. Their footsteps crunched in perfect synchronization as they made their way to Cornelia Street. The nondescript brownstone walkup came into view sooner than anticipated. Julie fumbled for a moment, frozen fingers struggling to jam her key into the old lock. Luke’s hand covered hers, slipping the key in easily and opening the door with a slight jiggle.

“I don’t know why this door always fights you so hard.”

The low words were murmured directly into her ear, his breath sending shivers down her spine. He was right. She had always struggled with this lock, Luke usually letting her try and fail for a few minutes before taking over and opening it in one try. The intimate reminder of the life they once shared sent a wave of longing through her. They stumbled inside together, shedding wet layers in the darkened entryway. Luke switched the light on before Julie could get to it. He sucked in a breath as the apartment was illuminated. She avoided his gaze, focusing on her shoelaces. She knew what he was seeing. This was her apartment now, hers alone, but it looked the exact same as when it had been theirs.

She had made changes to the LA house, had needed to do something to get rid of the overwhelming Lukeness of the space. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to erase him from the apartment though. She didn’t spend much time here anymore, the odd weekend when she was passing through on tour or flying in for various press engagements. It wasn’t the same sanctuary it had once been. There were too many quiet memories etched into the creaky floorboards, too many happy scenes soaked into the wallpaper. She would never be able to remove his presence here, so she had simply embraced it instead. It was the one self-inflicted torture she allowed herself to indulge in. She didn’t let herself ask Alex and Reggie for updates. Didn’t allow her fingers to type his name into any search engines. When the longing became too sharp, she simply came here and escaped into what they used to have until the pain dulled. Clearly, Luke hadn’t expected this type of time capsule to be hidden inside.

Julie skirted around Luke’s frozen form, eyes bouncing around to look anywhere but him. She wandered into the kitchen, desperate for something to do with her hands, needing some type of busyness to keep her from throwing herself at Luke. They weren’t done talking, had barely scratched the surface. She couldn’t just jump back into him without overcoming the demons that had been determined to push them apart. Not if this was going to be anything more than a single night of closure. Julie was desperate for it to be something more. Her bones practically ached with the yearning.

She flicked the flame on underneath the kettle, reaching on her tip toes for her favorite mug from the cabinet next to the stove. A larger, longer arm shot above hers, easily plucking the ceramic from the shelf. His body heat pressed in against her back and Julie fought to keep her breath steady. He reached one shelf lower to pull down her favorite box of chamomile tea and the honey pot she kept next to it. His muscles shifted and flexed, the sight sending a hot wave through her body. He reached further back into the cabinet, frowning down at her when he couldn’t locate the other mug that used to live there. Julie felt her cheeks flame.

“There were some things that didn’t survive the breakup.” She mumbled cryptically, ducking underneath the cradle his arms had created.

She avoided his eyes, remembering the first time she had returned to the apartment after losing Luke. She had cried until there were no tears left, curled into a ball in the entryway as she stared at the dirty Vans he had left behind. There had been small little bits of him scattered throughout the entire space, like Easter eggs designed specifically to break her heart. She had torn through the apartment like a whirlwind, throwing every last scrap of it into a trash bag, ripping half written songs to shreds, smashing his favorite mug against the wall in the kitchen hard enough she had needed to repair a small dent left behind. It was only when she noticed how the shattered porcelain had left little pinpricks of blood on her bare feet that she had been brought back to herself. There was no undoing the damage. Truly numb for the first time since she had left Luke on the boardwalk, Julie had bandaged her cuts, swept the mess into the overflowing bag and stuffed the entire thing in the dumpster in the side alley. It had been the last time she’d let herself go to pieces over Luke.

“You painted that mug for me for our one-year anniversary.”

Luke’s voice was broken. Julie didn’t have to look to see hurt on his face, she could hear it in his words. The kettle screamed a shrill whistle as the water boiled. Julie grabbed a plain black mug from a different cabinet, dropping a tea bag into each cup before filling them with the hot water. She kept her face down, shrouded behind the steam.

“You didn’t take it with you when you left.”

He hadn’t taken any mementos. The apartment had looked the exact same as the morning they had left it when she returned over a month later. There had still been dirty breakfast dishes in the sink.

“I didn’t think...that wasn’t supposed to be the end.”

Julie nearly dropped the kettle in surprise. Hands shaking, she forced herself to place it safely back down on the stove before turning to face him. His eyes were swimming with regret, body bowed inward as if someone had sucker punched him. He looked completely lost.

“Luke...”

She tried to keep her voice soft. It was obvious he wasn’t faking his reaction. Clearly, this was yet another miscommunication that could be added to the mess that was the end of their relationship.  

“You...didn’t think that was the end? After what you said? After almost a year of trying and failing to be what you needed?”

He was staring at her like she was challenging everything he had ever believed to be true. Julie felt the crack in her heart twinge.

“Was I just supposed to stick around as your punching bag forever?”

He staggered back a step as if her words had hit him with a physical blow. She wanted to cry. God, what an absolute disaster. So many crossed wires and not enough grace for each other had led them to this place where they were both adrift in a sea of misunderstanding and hurt. It was ironic that the one person who had known every last inch of her now stood before her as an almost stranger.

She forced herself to return to the comfort of preparing their tea. She scooped twice as much honey into her mug, added a splash of milk to Luke’s. She told herself it was so Luke could have a chance to process, not so that she could work on clearing the lump from her own throat. She kept her eyes away from his face, unable to handle the destruction taking over his features. Mugs in hand, she left the kitchen and moved into the living room. The fireplace roared to life with the flick of a switch, the mugs placed on opposite ends of the coffee table as Julie curled herself into the corner of the couch, eyes unseeing as she stared at the flames dancing before her.

“Did you really think I only saw you as a punching bag?”

Luke had finally appeared in the doorway leading from the kitchen. Julie let out a small sigh of relief. His voice was a bit stronger, not the same defeated whisper as before. She could see he had made some sort of peace with the situation, even if the hurt was still raw behind his eyes. Then his words sunk in and she flinched away from the memories. She reached out to pull her mug close, needing the burn in her hands to keep her centered, needing the extra shield between the two of them. She cleared her throat delicately, refusing to let herself lean into the swell of emotions. She stared down at the liquid in her mug, trying and failing to keep her voice even.

“You quite literally told me that my work was less than yours. You made me feel like I was less than you. You found flaws in everything I did, Luke. Of course, I felt like a punching bag. It didn’t take long to figure out that I wasn’t the one you were really mad at. Bobby wasn’t around for you to take it out on, and you couldn’t hurt the boys like that, but for some reason I was fair game. At first, I rationalized it by telling myself that meant you loved me the most. That you were the cruelest to me because you felt the safest with me. I accepted that position like some dumb ass martyr, thinking it was proof of how much I loved you. I loved you so much I would bleed for you over and over.”

Tear drops plinked into her tea. It was the only sound in the room, even the snap of the fire dying down for the moment. She finally looked up to see Luke, still hovering in the doorway, staring at her like he had never seen her before.

“One day, I woke up and realized I had bled myself dry. I didn’t have anything left to give and you kept trying to take. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I cannot believe you thought I would stick around after that fight in Coney Island. What did you expect me to do?”

Her voice echoed in the quiet space like the closing of a tomb, low and haunted. For one second there was absolute stillness.

“I didn’t think you would just leave!”

Luke exploded, springing into the room with an uncontrollable burst of energy. It was his turn to pace now, hands moving a mile a minute as he stalked back and forth in front of her.

“Jesus, Jules, I came back here to wait for you, to talk it out, and you just never came home! I finally realized all of your most important shit was gone so I booked a red eye to LA, but when Reggie and Alex came to get me from the airport they wouldn’t let me go to the house. I thought you would come to me when you were ready, so I kept waiting and waiting and you just never showed!”

His movements were becoming more frantic, arms waving around erratically, hands fisting and tugging at his hair. Tears he hadn’t even noticed streamed down his cheeks.

“When the boys came home with my stuff and told me that you said it was over I thought I was going to die. Then Andi sent us a new contract and said you had left the band and I knew it was real. I didn’t...I never...I thought you broke up with me.”

The chasm stretched open between them again. It felt insurmountable. Julie wrapped her arms around herself, drawing her knees close to her chest, shrinking further into the corner of the couch. Luke was breathing hard, staring at her with heartbroken eyes that begged her to tell him his version of events was accurate, begged her to release him from the torture of knowing he had been the catalyst to end it all. Julie could do nothing more than cry harder.

“I waited for you to come home in LA. I told Lex and Reg that I couldn’t keep being the one to go back. I couldn’t keep accepting blame for things I didn’t do.”

Frustration burned in her gut, sharpening her words. Of course, he had expected her to be the one to bridge the gap, apologize and smooth the fight over. But she hadn’t started it. And she hadn’t thrown out daggers disguised as words in any of their wars. Those attacks were Luke’s alone.

“Why would I go back to someone that kept throwing me in the trash? You started that fight. You started every fight. Why was it my responsibility to bandage my own wounds and then apologize like I had caused them in the first place? That was all you, Luke. You didn’t even see it.”

Just like when they had been sitting on that snowy bench earlier, she watched the fight drain out of him instantaneously. He dropped to the carpet in a messy heap, burying his face in his hands. Muffled sobs echoed in the room, his back shaking from the effort. She ached to go to him, wrap her arms around his shoulders, offer him whatever comfort she could. She forced herself to stay seated. This was the reckoning Luke needed to have. If they were ever going to move past this he had to recognize the ways he had hurt her. The universe had brought him back to her, forced him to be the one to show up for once. It was in his hands now to repair that damage. Heart throbbing, she sat and waited, just like she had a year ago.

[bloodycassian]

Sea Dreams - Nessian fic

slight ACOSF spoilers, self harm/suicide mention - angst, longing 

Nesta is a snarling beast of a Fae. If Feyre thought she was bad as a mortal sister, her Fae tolerance and stamina - mixed with her already overdeveloped hard headedness -  made it a thousand times worse.

“Rhys will have no problem winowing you to whatever mountain you want if you’d like to kill yourself a bit faster” Feyre said cooly - practiced and tempered. She had gone over this before her sister had come to visit. Amren smiled smugly from the corner, sipping from her goblet of wine. The scent made Nesta’s mind flash to her favorite bars, the numbing memory of music vibrating under her feet and deafening her mind. 

Nesta’s stomach was fiery with rage - and wine. The combination was not friendly. The wine was filling her muscles as she tensed. How dare they speak of threats to her - to practice them as if to judge what would make the most impact. Killing herself? Was that really the best Amren came up with? “Sorry to disappoint, sister-” She spat the word. What kind pity party did Feyre think she was putting on here? “but I haven’t had my fill of disappointing you yet.” She turned and strode to the arched doorway. It slammed shut with a clap before she could reach the escape. Nesta closed her eyes and took a breath before facing her once friends again.

Amren was standing, arms at her sides, fists balled and eyes blazing with fury. “You’re not just a disappointment to your sister, girl-” Amren sneered at her, glowering even more at Nesta’s half drunk grin. Feyre held her head in her hands, likely wondering how to get her sister back. “You’re a-” Before she could finish with some kind of threat or insult, the door was shoved open abruptly. 

Cassian walked in on what looked like an almost fight. Nesta swayed but turned to look at him. Amren didnt take her eyes off Nesta. “I heard the door and-” He began to apologize for interrupting but it looked like it was needed. Cassian knew enough about Nesta’s drinking problem that it only ever ended in her passing out or drinking into the next day. 

His heart ached for her. Seeing her like this, especially with her doing it to herself of her own accord was maddening. The guilt rode him, kept him awake some nights just to make sure a barkeep didnt try anything with her. He watched over her most nights in the first month, but after Rhys had to wake him up by shouting in his mind he was ordered to stop and leave her be.

“She will work it out in her own time” Elain had promised Cassian after he collapsed on a couch in the river side manor one day. “The only thing she’s working out is our money, and quickly.” Amren muttered from the other side of the room. She was right, Nesta’s self destruction was nothing that she was fixing by going on a bender. 

Cassian snapped back to the present as Nesta turned and glanced at his face before looking down.

“It’s fine, Amren was about to suggest a wine to me anyway.” Nesta wobbled her way over to Cassian, leaving Amren’s arms reach. Feyre’s head snapped up and looked to Cassian’s gentle - sympathetic eyes. She gave him a nod towards Nesta as she slid by him, out the door. 

“Dont try to fight her while she’s drunk. It will only end up with her vomiting or punching.” Cassian offered his advice with a glum smile. It didnt help his feeling of hopelessness as he turned to follow Nesta. 

“So were you planning on sleeping on the Sidra bridge tonight or an alleyway a block away from your apartment again?” He challenged her once he caught up. She was nearly to the front door surprisingly. Feyre’s paintings flashed by him, tinted in blue with the glow of the moon shining in.

“I dont need your shit Cassian.” She said, her voice emotionless. She flung the door open, the cool night air brisk against Cassian’s face and wings. Winter was coming in quickly, and the chill off the mountains sweeping into Velaris reminded him of soaring high above the illyrian mountains. His wings flared slightly, ready for flight. 

The thought was gone in an instant as Nesta paused before the steps of the house, as if contemplating. Cold air always sobered him up too. “Seems like you need a lift though.” He said gently, offering her his hand. She debated silently to herself. Would this be considered weak if he had offered? She glanced between his eyes, and his outstretched hand. No mocking or lingering joke was to be found on his dark features. She let out a long breath and placed her hand in his. 

And she was gone. Her stomach left below her as Cassian hurled her into his arms and took off with her, the air biting into her skin. She was sure all of Velaris heard her short scream of surprise. Her hair whipped around her as Cass adjusted to begin flying - not towards her apartment...but towards the house of wind. “Where are you taking me?” She asked breathlessly. She could see the entire city from this high. The wending river a dark ribbon separating the town.

“You’ll see, just stay warm.” He winked at her. She begrudgingly tucked her arms inwards, her hands folding on her legs that he cradled more gently than she though he would be capable of, considering how warrior-god like he was most of the time. She glanced down yet again, the lights of Velaris quickly disappeared from view.

+

Cassian knew that there was no way that she was still warm, up this high and flying as fast as he was. He wanted to get to outlook as quickly as possible for a myriad of reasons. The main one being deciding that maybe falling from a height was better than drinking herself to death. But she seemed...content in his arms. He tried to pull her closer, to share some of his extra warmth but he could tell she was holding her teeth clamped shut to keep from chattering.

“We’re almost there.” He promised, nodding forward. He could smell the fresh salty mist before he could hear it, and the sound made him smile. The wind wasn’t so bad tonight, from what he could tell. His wings weren’t fighting against the normal hurricane like wind that the sea air brought in. 

Cassian set her down slowly, letting her acclimate to standing again. He told himself his lingering hand on her lower back was to make sure she wasn’t going to drunkenly stumble over the cliff they stood upon. 

She admired the small grassy area quickly, then her focus shifted to the sea. Her lips pursed and she looked to her feet, her eyebrows scrunching. They were surrounded with the sounds of the ocean crashing and the whisper of the grass around them swaying and that was it. He hoped it was enough. Knowing it wasn’t the same as some of her packed drinking venues with cards and live music, he doubted it would be for her. He craved her approval. He cleared his throat, tucking his wings in tight to his back. He was nervous, he realized. 

This place was sort of sacred to him. Bringing her here was… vulnerable. He was a warrior but put his heart out for her to mangle at every chance possible it seemed. Sometimes he didnt know why. 

Cassian could see her cheeks were flushed red. Either from the biting cold or embarrassment, he didnt know.  “This is better than the bridges in Velaris, I suppose.” She joked lightly, pulling her hair back and untangling a few knots. Without a thought Cassian took his hair tie out, offering it to her. 

“This will help… for when we fly back.” He nodded for her to take it. His hair was shorter, and a lot easier to untangle. He would hate for her to have to cut any of hers out because he kidnapped her here. He cursed himself for choosing now to bring her to this spot. He didnt know if she would ridicule him for having such a place for himself. 

She paused before taking it, eyeing him suspiciously. When she finally accepted his offer, Cassian’s heart leapt. Maybe even a miniscule action as this meant there was some hope for her. “I like to come here when Rhys and Az are being...too much sometimes. When everything is too much.” He said, looking out towards the rocky shore below them. The tall islands of rocks sticking out from the breaking waves shone like faint beacons among the black sea. 

She stared at him, in shock. Nesta’s gaze was piercing, boring into his eyes as if she suspected him of something. Cassian stared right back at her. “Do you come here a lot?” She asked, choosing her words carefully. 

“It depends what you would consider a lot. Not as often as you visit those bars, no.” If she wanted to test him he would do it back. 

She scowled, turning away from him to face the water. “If you brought me here to ridicule me, dont bother. My sisters are already taking care of it.” The truth of the words stung, but Nesta was used to the feeling. Knowing your own truth made you impervious to other people throwing it back at you. The waves far below them crashed against the rock. Or perhaps against eachother. The white peaks in the bay below churning and rising, pushing and pulling each other endlessly. 

Cassian stepped to her side, his feet silent on the soft grass under their feet. Despite his size and warrior title, he was stealthy when he wanted to be. “I brought you out here for.. Silence I suppose.” His eyes shone in the moonlight, full of hope. Burning, pleading hope for the one he stood next to. Nesta leaned into him slightly, unconsciously. She told herself it was the wine making her sway. “It seems like you’re never getting much of it lately. I didnt know where I was going really until we were halfway here.” He stole a sidelong glance at her, her face gave away nothing. That wall was up, and not going anywhere anytime soon. 

Anger burned hot in his chest. He wanted to shake her, to throttle her and scare her until she felt the same fear he felt for her. On her behalf. He stilled himself, breathing deeply. Then he let himself fall to to the ground, staring up at the unobscured stars. She could walk back for all he cared. He knew he was lying to himself. She was locked in place, determined not to give him the attention him laying down called for. 

The stars glinted brightly despite the strength of the moon this night. Not as good as a night with no moon, but still better than Velaris. Nesta shivered as the wind brought a splash of ocean mist up from the bay. She let her statuesque form move finally, the cold too much to bear. Slowly, as if she was unfreezing each muscle, she followed him down to the ground. 

And it nearly took her breath away. The sight of so many stars was… impossible. Was there some solar event going on? She found herself agape in awe at the tiny lights shining for them. Nesta briefly tried to think back on the last time she had even looked at the sky, not to mention now with her better Fae sight. Something in her chest caught and she feigned a cough. 

Cassian could have fallen asleep there, would have loved nothing more than to be able to with her. He didnt have a doubt she would wake him up if he did fall asleep. His hair tickled his face, and he brushed it back. The moon was beginning to could, sea air making the area foggier.

Nesta shivered beside him. “I should have brought a blanket, I apologize.” Cassian sat up on his elbows. And immediately was struck at the sight of silent tears rolling down Nesta’s cheeks. She was not shivering, her chest was holding in the sobs. Like an animal tearing at its cage. He didnt know if he should look away. 

“It’s fine. We can go.” She said quickly, her voice quivering. She sat up and wiped her face. “If you’d be so kind to take me back.” There it was, that beast inside fighting back again. He sighed, pushing his way up from the ground. 

Cassian felt his chest caving in. The sight of her gaunt, and still fighting him. “Nes-”

“I said we can go now.” She snapped, wrapping her arms around herself. 

He ground his teeth together, knowing that pushing her was not the best option. He should heed his own advice to Feyre and Amren. “Right this way.” He ground, holding his arms open for her.

She wrapped her arm around his neck and they both pretended not to notice Nesta’s silent tears as they left Cassian’s point above the sea. She told herself it was because of the wind. 

She nodded off at some point, a mix of the crying and the wine making her exhausted. Cassian’s warmth and gentle arms around her lulling her into a stupor of relaxation she hadn’t known for quite some time. Not since their family’s cabin. The nightmares since the Cauldron keeping her up nightly. Possibly not even as well as in their shared bed at the cabin, with hunger pains keeping her awake at night.

Cassian took his time bringing Nesta to her room in the house of wind. He cradled her head to his chest, the soft scent of her hair was one of the most relaxing smells he had ever encountered. Every door opened on his way to her bed. He laid the thick comforter over her limp body. Her gentle face turned angry once she left his arms. His chest ached again.

“It’s going to be okay, Nes. I promise.” slight pressure on her hair accompanied the words.

The actions were so faint in her it could have been a dream. Her first good dream in a long time.

[nicolepremier]

Nano - 5, 6, 10, 11, 16, 3 (ik there are a lot but i couldn't resist ;-;)

3) Scars or painful spots

Nano’s entire body is covered with scars from involuntary surgical operations and experiments. Most of the time his clothes cover the scars. He isn’t even entirely sure what all has been done to him - how much of his body has been taken without his consent, what has been added that was not his own… is he still even human? How much of his body is still his?

The worst, though… was when they started cutting up his brain… Emma ordered it. She told it was for the best, since he had no choice but to become who they made him. It would be better for him, more merciful even, if he didn’t have to feel… The last emotions he clearly remembers feeling were terror and utter despair when they put him to sleep and he had no idea who he would be when he woke up.

5) Guilty pleasures

Daydreaming… reading… anything that gets him out of his body, out of his reality, and takes him someplace else. Sometimes he thinks that his imagination is the only thing he has left that is still his… and he wonders how long it will be before even that is taken away from him.

After leaving Toshima, Nano began to discover new, more sensual pleasures. The warmth of his partner’s body beneath the sheets against his own, the sound of music and the newfound emotions it induced that he had once thought were dead, the taste of green tea and freshly baked bread with jam in the morning, the feeling of warm running water against his skin, the rhythmic sound of his partner’s breathing as they sleep beside him, the feeling of his lover’s hands running through his hair, their lips against his, fingertips tracing his scars as though it would make them disappear, the pleasured moans that escape their lips when he caresses them…

6) Their vices (physical or emotional)

Misanthropy - Nano despises humanity to the point of reclusiveness/seclusion and active maliciousness/cruelty. It is difficult for him to forgive humanity for everything they have done to him, for everything that they made him do on their behalf, and for everything he has witnessed of their interactions with one another. He feels that they deserve the fates they seemingly bring upon themselves as retribution for their sins.

Neglecting self care - Nano has a tendency to forget he has a body that he actually needs to take care of until it’s absolutely necessary. He won’t cut his hair or nails, won’t change his clothes, will suffer pain/cold/discomfort/hunger silently, and will not sleep enough. He often forgoes safety and comfort unnecessarily and will make himself suffer needlessly, figuring that if he can survive it, he is fine. The cause is primarily recklessness and self-destructiveness, but even after leaving Toshima he will continue to keep this habit partially out of not wishing to complain to his partner nor give them cause to sacrifice their own needs for his.

Lack of empathy -  Nano is innately bad at reading other people and can come off as heartless and unempathetic even when no harm is intended. He can’t always tell how other people are feeling, and even when he can (especially if the circumstances are petty) he often doesn’t see why he should care. In his darker moments, he can be outright cruel and sadistic, taking pleasure in the pain and suffering of others.

Drug dealing. He doesn’t really do drugs himself (at least not voluntarily) because he doesn’t need to. He IS a drug. He finds it very satisfying to watch people OD on his blood and kill one another to get to it. This is his primary form of entertainment after fleeing ENED. He’ll stop once he leaves Toshima, although the temptation will remain.

Sex. (In a relationship.) Nano’s sexuality is complex. He dislikes people so much that it’s very difficult for him to get close to them or trust them. When single he’s more likely to preferentially choose masturbation over sex with another person simply because it requires less human contact. And if he has sex, it is likely to be extremely casual and either viewed as an instinctual means to satisfy biological drives or a means to sadistically control/torment/degrade/mock. (If he’s topping Shiki, for example, it’s almost certainly the latter category.)

Within a relationship, however, in a way sex is everything. It’s much more than just a way to satisfy lust. It’s a means for Nano to confirm that the person he loves is really there, that they are alive, that they accept him as he is, that they want him, that they are going to stay with him. It’s an extremely emotional experience in addition to a physical one. Joining their bodies is a way for him to feel closer to someone. If he is upset or losing the battle to his inner demons, sex gives him strength to keep fighting… to keep living in spite of the pain. It makes him feel more deeply connected to both the person he is with and the world itself which has otherwise rejected him.

Biting/Blood. Nano has a habit of biting his partners. He has a tendency to mix up the emotions he feels, and often confuses lust with hunger. Sex is very primal and instinctual for him so he tends to do whatever feels right in the moment without much consideration for consequences (regardless of whether his partner likes it or does not). He might bite hard enough to draw blood, because the sight and taste of his partners’ blood excites him. He can get carried away with his emotions/instincts in sexual situations and wind up being far too rough/brutal and subsequently hurting his partners. From a psychological standpoint, he finds drawing blood a way to partially overcome the normal limits of physical separation between two people and thus feels that it brings them closer together. It feels similarly intimate and psychologically thrilling if his partner were to bite and/or drink his blood as well.

Reading/TV/Music/Dissociation - Nano spends a large amount of time trying to separate his mind from his own body, preferring to lose himself in fantasy/imagination that deal with the horror and pain of reality. This habit is so ingrained that it persists even after leaving Toshima. Once he discovers things like television and music, he will binge watch fictional shows and lose himself in music because they have the power to fuel not only his imagination, but also trigger emotional responses that he are either not his own or which he has forgotten about.

Failing to get out of bed/trying to get his partner to stay in bed with him even when they have important things to do (thus making them late for work etc) - Nano feels safe, warm, and protected in bed with his partner. He doesn’t ever want it to end nor to be alone apart from the person he loves, even when he knows they have important things to do and will be coming back later.

Spending too long in the bath/shower - Warm water feels very good to him, and is not a pleasure he is used to experiencing. So if he has the opportunity, he can be indulgent. It feels even more decadent if his partner is with him.

Soft textures - Nano isn’t used to having the opportunity to be picky about physical sensations. However, he generally finds that he is drawn to things like soft sweaters, cats’ fur, soft bedsheets, fleece blankets, etc. He dislikes textures that feel overly starched and stiff because they remind him of ENED, so he will generally avoid them if given the choice.

Green tea/baked goods - It’s a pretty good sign if Nano remembers to eat at all, and at first he has a difficult time even distinguishing between various foods, but he’ll start developing preferences once he is around them more. He finds green tea refreshing, invigorating, and natural. He hasn’t settled on a favorite food yet, but he finds that he generally likes baked foods, both sweet and savory, especially while still warm. The textures are generally pleasing to him. He seems to prefer things that incorporate ingredients like fruit, olives, mushrooms, garlic, or cheeses. He is generally also fond of soup/stew and ice cream, despite the fact that the ice cream inevitably makes him cold. He still sort of has it in his head that he shouldn’t need to have sensual things like food that he enjoys and for a long time will prefer to wait patiently for his partner to give him such things instead of guiltily seeking them out on his own when he feels that he does not deserve to have them.

Alcohol - Nano won’t generally seek out alcohol on his own, but if it is given to him, he will generally drink too much of it. It’s sort of a positive feedback loop where they more he drinks, the more he wants to keep drinking.

Melancholy/Moroseness/Sullenness/Depression/Despair - Nano can be withdrawn and solitary when he falls into depression. Once he begins to overcome his emotional numbness, he will be able to experience not only love, trust, and joy… but sadness, pain, and terror as well. Sometimes the weights of his past seem heavier than others. If he’s left to too much introspection, he will tend to be more existential and tend towards self-hatred and misanthropy. If he starts to succumb to despair he can be outright self-destructive and suicidal. He will pull away from others and turn inwards against himself. If he does not have a solid emotional support that he can fully trust, it is possible that he will once again slip into recklessness.

Guilt - Accepting the fact that he has the power to change his own fate will lessen Nano’s despair. However, it also leaves him responsible for all of the actions he has taken in the past that he was previously able to excuse on account of not believing he had any choice in the matter.  He knows that there is no way to atone for all of the sins he has committed, and so he is increasingly shackled with guilt. His PTSD causes him to be plagued with nightmares, triggers, and flashbacks that can at times seem crippling.

10) Fears/phobias

Nano would tell you that when everything has been taken from you and you truly have nothing left to lose, there is nothing left to fear. But once you have something to hold onto, terror is free to enter your heart and consume you alive.

That being said, Nano has seen so many people die at his hands that he cannot help but imagine how those he meets would look once the life had drained from their eyes… even, and especially, those he cares deeply about. Human lives are so fragile, they break so easily… Surely the ones whose lives he took had others who cared deeply for them, loved them even… What if they took the one he cared for in return? Would he bring about their death by loving them? Or… what if the beast that lurked within his soul broke loose one day and hurt them… killed them even… perhaps they would be safer and better off if they were far, far away from him… yet he knows well the pain of being alone…

So in essence, Nano’s worst fear is himself.

11) Bad or petty habits

Nano is notoriously oblivious to the mundane details of everyday life and social convention. He has a tendency to be overly blunt and honest and thereby shocks and offends a lot of people. White lying is not a talent he has ever had to develop and does not come naturally to him, so he is not very good at it. Never ask Nano a question unless you want an honest answer. For example, his boss at a day job asked him if he wanted to go out for drinks after work to get to know everyone. He replied that he didn’t care about getting to know any of them and wanted go home and have sex with his boyfriend instead. (They were in Russia… he didn’t keep that job very long.)Nano puts on whatever clothes he happens to find first that day (regardless of whether they’re inside out or he’s worn them for a week straight already), he gets lost in his thoughts and forgets to eat, he leaves his keys at the baker’s when he is sent to buy food, he winds up locked out and can’t remember where he went that day and might have left them, he tries to break into his own apartment in broad daylight, he scares the neighbors who start rumors… then they have to move again, he doesn’t really understand why, and he still can’t remember where he left his damn keys… but why should it matter when he is perfectly capable of going through the third story window?

16) Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’Ohh, Nano has a lot of those… But to take the inquiry quite literally…

When Nano escaped and went on his killing rampage at ENED, he didn’t just tear off Emma’s arm… he took it with him. He couldn’t bring himself to kill her then because he still loved her in spite of everything, but he knew those feelings were twisted beyond redemption.Watching her severed arm decompose was somewhat cathartic. As the flesh rotted and fell from her bones, consumed by insects and fungi, and was brought back to nature, his feelings for her faded as well. Eventually he buried it, and with it what he considered the last strings tying him to this world. When it was over… he knew he was truly alone.