#and she was like 'westley that's abuse. she's emotionally abusing you.'

[apuzzledprince]

my boss: [staring at me and my younger sibling, shocked]

us: [chatting about the girl who emotionally abused me for years]

[jeanjauthor]

Social distancing / physical distancing is important.

It’s also wrecking the emotional stability of those of us who have Physical Touch* as our Love Language.

When we have an actually functional, safe, effective vaccine and it’s been distributed widely...some of the people you know will either come out of it wanting to touch others, elbow, shoulder, etc, a lot more...or they’ll come out of it very tense and withdrawn and depressed AF.

YOU will come out of this lengthy period of physical isolation (that is, if you’re someone without PT as their LL) no longer used to being touched.  No longer used to touching others, either.

Now, in the vein of the above lesson...your withdrawing touch or flinching from touch out of this habit of social distancing will hurt people with Physical Touch as their Love Language even more.

So carefully think ahead of time, and in the moment, about how you signal these things.  If you flinch away, make sure you remind yourself and them out loud something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, it’s been so long that we couldn’t, I got out of the habit of touching, you know?  It’s hard to believe it’s okay, again.”

...Also, understand that not every physical touch will be acceptable.  I’m not comfortable holding hands, but I like linking arms/elbows.  A touch on my arm is more acceptable from a stranger than a touch on my back once you get away from the shoulders...and I’m still struggling (for nearly two decades now!) to remind my mom a touch on my butt is a romantic** gesture to me, Mother!!!  She doesn’t view it as I view it, and it makes me uncomfortable, even as I know she means it in a familial affection of mother-with-child.

What my mother is doing is how she’s trying to show her affection to me mother-to-child. (Her main LL is Quality Time, but you can feel the other LLs or demonstrate them to lesser degrees.) How I’m receiving it is something different, because it’s me, not her.  But because it’s meant to be a gesture of affection, she needs to understand, memorize, ingrain, and avoid this particular gesture of parental affection because to me, it’s romantic, not parental...and I really don’t want to feel those feelings when it comes to my own mother, ya know?

This is the HUGE importance of the 5 Love Languages.  There is how we show affection, and then there is how we receive affection.  And it’s not necessarily the same thing, input does not necessarily mean output!  How do I mean?  Well, let’s take a case of someone whose Love language is Words of Affirmation...but let’s say they grew up in a verbally abusive household where they weren’t allowed to speak such things without being denigrated.  Instead, their caregivers demanded that they constantly do chores, etc.

They will blossom madly when being praised...once you convince them of their sincerity.  But they might not be able to say such things back, for fear of being berated and punished.  They want to say things, but they’ll force themselves to convert it into taking out the trash, etc.  If their partner’s Love Language is Acts Of Service, that partner will feel loved when they come home to chores already done that when they left the house still needed doing.  But if theirs is also Words of Affirmation...they won’t feel nearly as loved as if their partner had said words of praise and confirmation of their worth & joy to their partner.

Same as if their LL is Quality Time...because unless you’re doing it together, and talking & laughing as you work those chores together, it’s not going to mean as much.

This is how I best connect with my mother.  She gives me hugs, and I love those (I’m a hugger!), but while I like doing things for other people, she likes doing things with people, so if we do chores together, I feel loved, and if I talk with her while we do that, we’re spending time together and she feels loved. But as I’m aware of our Love Language differences...it’s not always an Act of Service. She’s had season tickets to The 5th Avenue Theater for...well, COVID-19 interrupted year 25, but basically for a quarter of a century--longer if you count the times she went before getting season tickets.

My sister would go with her, but my sister’s physical health is not exactly theater-friendly these days.  So though I felt guilty about going in my sister’s place (that was a huge way how she and Mother connected!), I’d still go with our mother because we were doing something together that our mom absolutely loves to do.  My sister’s Love Language is Gifts...and she loves buying little things for herself to make her happy, but she’s picky about what she receives from others.  (It happens; if you don’t know someone’s taste, it can be difficult to convey love via Gifts.)

...Anyway, after reading The 5 Love Languages, I had never experienced such a strong epiphany of this is how things work!! in my life.  I highly recommend reading it.  You may have one primary love language, you may be bilingual or trilingual.  You may hear/receive love in one language and express/give love in another.

I strongly recommend it for everyone, but especially recommend it for my fellow writers.  Love Languages can be used to demonstrate platonic affection (someone with Gifts can insist on feeding their guests as soon as they enter that person’s home, for instance), romantic affection, brotherly feelings, camaraderie, respect, etc.  More than that, giving your characters a specific Love Language trait (and there are sub-varieties!) can subtly convey to your readers how that character feels about someone.

In The Princess Bride, Westley says to Buttercup “As you wish.”  It took her a long time to realize that he was saying “I love you” each time he said that, because it was an Act Of Service style of Love Language.  Whatever she wanted done, he’d do it...because he loved her, and this was how he tried to communicate it to her.  Acts Of Service wasn’t her Love Language (I suspect hers was Quality Time, myself), so it took her a while to learn how to “hear” his expressions of love.  And in a way, when she learned it, and deliberately asked him to take down that pitcher from its hanging peg...that was her accepting and trying to give him a task, to show she knew he loved her that way.

You don’t have to do this for all your characters; sometimes the character will just spontaneously show these things...but if you, the writer, are not aware of all the different Love Language types and at least some of the sub-varieties...a lot of your characters are going to end up displaying their love languages in ways that you best understand...which means readers with other Love Languages won’t feel as deeply loved.

Either way...even if you don’t read the book (I cannot recommend it enough!), be aware that those of us who express & receive love through Physical Touch...are suffering in quarantine.  Especially those who live alone...and/or don’t have household members who are willing to touch & be touched.  I lived a number of years in a household with housemates who weren’t into hugs.  It was...painful...living so close to people I liked, and who liked me, but whom I couldn’t express that liking through hugs or even just a casual shoulder-touch.

Quarantine and social distancing are changing how we interact, and in particular how we react to physical closeness.  Be alert for signs of someone feeling rejected when you hesitate to touch them, and be aware of how deeply this can affect those of us who need physical affection (not sex, Physical Touch is far, far more than just sexual touch) just to feel emotionally healthy.

It will actually mean a lot to us if you can get yourself to say,  “I wish I could hug you, but this social distancing thing has kinda ruined us doing that, sorry...” or “I’d totally hug you, but quarantine...”

Even for someone who doesn’t have that Love Languages, sometimes Words Of Affirmation can be a good enough substitute.

Just knowing you would hug me if you could is enough to keep someone like me going a little longer.