#and she just started one she actually enjoye and we're making more money again

[beatrice-otter]

Planning a Peaceful Campaign

And here is the other yuletide fic I wrote! This one was for Quasar, a pinch-hitter who was not signed up and so wouldn't receive anything without treats. They were the only one of the pinch hitters I could write for. This was my only treat this year; other writing projects got in the way. (Including my late pinch hit for sedoretuex which was fun but did take a lot of time). I knew I wasn't going to have much time for treating given how much stuff I signed up for this year.

This was quick to write but I enjoyed it; and it's always fun to use bits of history trivia I already know. In this case, "spending a lot of time at a particular noble's house to force them to entertain the entire Royal Court (and thus spend a shitton of money) so they won't have the funds to cause future trouble, but also can't complain about their impoverishment" was a common tactic of late medieval/early modern royalty in England. And also, in the medieval period, if someone is abruptly a major player in politics and neither they nor their parents had that kind of power/position/money before, and it's not a case of "the monarch just happened to love this person," and you wonder how come they're such an important/rich person all of a sudden? The answer is usually "tax fraud," which was a booming industry in late medieval England at all social levels.

Title: Planning a Peaceful Campaign Author: Beatrice_Otter Fandom: Curse of Chalion Length: 1424 words Rating: Gen Written for: quasar  in yuletide  2023

At AO3. On Squidgeworld. On dreamwidth. On Pillowfort.

It was a good thing, Iselle reflected as she watched her Chancellor and his wife lay out their luncheon, that all four of them were known as excellent riders with a love of speed and the skill to accomplish it safely. Days like this, when they'd managed to outride the rest of the court and find a place to picnic by themselves, were the only truly private speech they'd had for months.

"You know, this isn't going to work for too much longer," Bergon said. It was his turn to walk the horses to cool them down, and Iselle turned to watch him. The light sheen of sweat from exercise on a warm summer day gave him a very appealing glow, pleasantly reminding her of other things they might be doing to work up a sweat. "We're giving them too much practice, and I know for a fact that dy Garnez has sent for his younger brother, who I'm told is one of the best horsemen in Almesca, to attend us."

"There are other ways of slipping off alone," Iselle said.

"None as enjoyable as this one, though," Betriz said.

"Speak for yourself," Iselle said, ogling her husband. Betriz laughed.

"And eventually we'll be back in Cardegoss for the winter," Caz pointed out. "There, all the spyholes and things are under our control, and the servants loyal to us."

"And then next spring we get to start this whole circus all over again," Iselle said with a sigh. "You know, if you'd told me as a child that I would grow tired of travelling and wish to stay home, I would have declared you more mad than Mother." Who, of course, had not been mad at all, but only seemed that way.

"It isn't the travel, though," Bergon said. "It's being constantly on show."

"Well, that and the fact that we can't stay anywhere we actually like for too long," Iselle pointed out. Hosting the entire court was an immense honor … and also a great expense that could not be refused. Feasts, revels, all the sorts of entertainments a royal court might expect, redecorating the Royina and Roya's bedchambers in the latest fashions, and other costs piled up into a tidy sum. It was a delicate balance: staying just long enough with their supporters that they received the honor but were not too badly impacted, and then overstaying their welcome with the less honorable and loyal nobles without making it obvious that they were simply there to drain their coffers to lessen the trouble they could make.

"When you get pregnant, that'll be an excellent excuse to stay in Cardegoss or Valenda," Betriz pointed out. She sat back and admired the spread that had come out of their saddle bags. "There! Isn't that nice."

"It is, thank you," Iselle said, taking a seat on the blanket next to her friend.

Bergon tied off the horses to a bush—the only tree in the meadow was the one they were sitting under—and joined them. Caz said a blessing over their meal; when he'd first become her tutor, back in Valenda, such things had often been omitted or done by rote. No longer.

For a few minutes things were quiet as they all worked their way through the excellent spread of cold meats, cheeses, and pasties.

"So," Iselle said as they sated the initial appetite the ride had given them, "we leave the castle of Gipendio in two days to head to Irebar, where dy Rubanco has his primary seat. Is there anything we need to wrap up here?"

"No, madam," Caz said.

"I'll be sorry to leave," Bergon said wistfully. "Dy Lopeira is such good company." The two of them were well on their way to becoming fast friends.

"Well, he's invited to Cardegoss for the winter, and he'll probably come," Betriz pointed out. An invitation from Bergon and Iselle was not quite a command, but few would refuse without an overwhelming reason.

"Best soak up the camaraderie with him now," Caz said. "There'll be little enough of it in dy Rubanco's household."

Bergon grimaced, and Iselle sighed. dy Rubanco had not been involved in dy Jironal's wild march across Cardegoss to capture her and Bergon, but he had been a friend and loyal follower of the previous Chancellor. He'd been as close as dy Jironal had allowed anyone who wasn't family. dy Rubanco had, of course, professed all proper allegiance and disavowed his former master, but there were rumblings and rumors that Caz didn't like. In particular, there was a great deal of hostility to Ibra circulating in Irebar, with just enough plausible deniability for dy Rubanco that they couldn't do anything about it.

"How long do you think we'll have to stay?" she asked Caz.

Caz shrugged. "He's got deep pockets. On the other hand, part of that may be because of favors dy Jironal did for him. In particular, my clerks have turned up some discrepancies in the tax records for the area. By quite a substantial margin. In particular, a number of grain mills and smaller manors seem to have quietly vanished from the Chancellery's records over the course of Orico's reign."

"Can we get him to repay some of what he should have been paying all along?" Betriz asked.

"Probably not," Bergon said. "With dy Jironal dead, all he has to do is say that he paid his taxes through in-kind gifts we now can't trace."

"Or that there were a series of bad harvests, and it was only supposed to be a temporary reprieve, and he had no idea the Chancellor altered the records," Iselle pointed out. 'I had no idea the Chancellor's actions weren't legal or legitimate' was, unfortunately, a very popular defense in Chalion these days.

Betriz opened her mouth, probably to outline how to get enough proof of collusion to be worth doing something about, and then slumped with a sigh. "And if we went after him for it all, that would spoil the new beginning we're trying to create. Too bad. We could use the money."

"We could indeed," Caz said, making a face.

Iselle hummed agreement through a mouthful of pastie. Between wars they'd lost, tax breaks for his relatives, and funds diverted to those relatives and allies in one way or another, the treasury was rather threadbare. And the fact that Orico never traveled, staying at Cardegoss where the Roya's purse funded all the feasting and entertainment, didn't help. The roads were in a terrible state, major aqueducts and bridges that should be maintained by the Roya were in a state of disrepair, and there were so many neglected areas of the country where a small amount of attention and money would bring things into greater prosperity and stability.

"Still, getting the tax rolls properly updated will make a difference going forward," Caz said. "And mean that he has fewer funds to make trouble with."

Bergon sighed and took a swig of watered wine from his flask. "And we won't have a moment's peace or privacy while there for however long it takes to get everything straightened out and drain his current coffers."

"He's known for his elaborate spectacles," Betriz pointed out. "I've heard he has a court playwright who is rather good."

"And he'll be kind enough to loan us servants who will be happy to sleep at the foot of our beds so they can be attentive to our whims day or night," Iselle said. "And report everything to him, no doubt." Including not just her conversations and her visitors, but also the state of her menses, no doubt. She made a face.

"Well, we'll just have to deal with it," Bergon said pragmatically. "If nothing else, our enthusiastic marital intimacies will be better gossip than the things he's spreading around now."

Iselle made a face. Being known to be devoted to her husband and, er, enthusiastically trying for an heir was definitely better than the alternative; she still would rather not have people gossiping about her at all. But that was too much for a royina to ask for. "Months of no privacy, on display like an animal in a cage. Well, it's certainly a less expensive method of bringing him to heel than any other I can think of; it has that advantage."

"Less expensive for us, that is," Betriz said.

"No point letting tomorrow's problems spoil this lovely day, though," Bergon said.

"Hear, hear," Iselle said, saluting him with her flask. "And it is such a lovely day."

[natureivy]

when i was younger i learned never to set up auto pay for anything in case you ever don't have the money to cover it but now we have auto pay set up for all our big bills without having to worry about if the money's in there and it really is such a strange feeling when you've grown up poor

[mrsmaybankhere]

GLASS HEART - CHAPTER 1

As soon as Charlie opened her green eyes, her hand went to the necklace on her neck, holding tight on the delicate gold rose pendant.

"Thank you, Rose!" She whispered with a smile on her full lips, now can fully starting the day off. This became a important part of her morning routine because a few weeks ago opening her eyes was a miracle. And Rose saved her and she will never get the chance to thank her for it. So she will do it every day for the rest of this new life.

After changing her sleep clothes into something more decent, she was really energic while crashing into the kitchen where her father and Rose are drinking their coffee, waiting for the rest of the house to finally get up. Of course she is the first one coming to the breakfast. Sarah takes a lot to get ready into the morning, Rafe probably overslept like always and Wheezie is just too lazy to move that quickly.

"Good morning!" Her smile was big as she took a sit at the table. That placed a smile on Ward's face as well.

"Good morning, sunshine. How are you feeling?" The large scar on her chest is quite visible with the tank top she put on this time and she immediately regreted it. He was always thinking about it anyway, she don't have to shove the memory of it in his face too.

"Never been better."

On the table are a lot of fruits, pancakes and eggs, but she felt like eating fruits this morning. And maybe some green tea. Today is gonna be a long full day. If until now she only went out for a quick walk in the neighborhood or for groceries, today is the big day.

"We are so happy to hear that. But don't forget to-..."

"Yes dad, I will tell you if something is wrong. Stop thinking about it, please?" Ward became soft at her pleading look, so he just nodded while holding the hand of her wife. Her name it was the same name with the girl who saved her. That's probably the only thing Charlie loved about her. Beside this, she was just fine.

Soon they started eating and Wheezie joined them too with not too much enjoyment, busy playing some game on her phone. But as soon as they heard screams coming from upstairs, they knew that Sarah and Rafe are finally up and ready for the day, starting with a screaming match just like always. It was their routine and Charlie was glad that she can finally hear and see them in same time because not too long ago, she was just listening from her room that was exactly the same with a hospital one. She was grateful for every little moment.

"No, she deserves something good! Not some Kook awful full of d-..."

"God! Can you get off my ass, Sarah? It's too early for this shit." Rafe groaned and Ward muttered something under his breath.

"There we go again..." Rose muttered, exhausted with their daily fights. Charlie had to try her best not to laugh.

"You're the only one talking shit here, asshole!"

They walked into the kitchen, earning a warning glare from their father. Wheezie was really excited, she loved the drama and thank God this family had a lot of it. Charlie only heard about it, she wasn't quite there to live it with them.

"First, language. Second, good morning. It's a pleasure to have a nice family breakfast." He said sarcastically and Rafe whispered a "you're welcome". "What were you two arguing about this time?" Ward was being serious, but Charlie couldn't keep her laugh in anymore so she just laughed. Rafe ruffled her blonde hair as he walked behind her chair to sit down into his right next to her like they always do.

"'Morning. How are-..." He asked her with a lower voice, only for her to hear it and ignoring Ward who was expecting an answer.

"Please, don't end this question. I'm good. Very good actually." She can understand their reasons to be worried, but that was in the past and the present is different now. Her heart is different now.

"Well, excuse me then." He talks while throwing some grapes into his mouth and she winked at him, making him chuckle.

"It was nothing" Sarah muttered instead of Rafe and then her whole expression changed and everyone knew that face: the pleading, innocent look she do when she wants something. "Can we sleep to Kie's tonight?"

Charlie knew Kiera Carrera and she actually liked her, but they never really talked. No one from outside of the family was able to enter her private "hospital" room and that's why she doesn't have friends at all. She was too busy not dying to actually talk with someone. But tonight is gonna be a party and Sarah doesn't want to get back home afterwards; probably because of her boyfriend. Charlie never met him, but she could tell that her sister was totally in love with him.

"We want a girls night for Charlie. She never had one." Sarah wasn't playing nice, using Charlie to easily get what she wants, but she was beyond happy to finally have her sister back and she was ready to show her what being a teenager really means.

"Yes, fine. Just take care of you and call me anytime, okay?" He smiled at them and Rafe growled.

It's not something new for the ones in the house that Charlie was Rafe's favourite human ever. He never cared that much about someone or at least he never really showed it for anyone else beside the blonde girl. On her bad nights and days, he wouldn't leave her side. He would talk to her for hours, telling her about what's happening at the high school, the last gossip on the island or even telling her jokes, even if she couldn't laugh at them. Some nights were so bad that she didn't even remembered him being there. But he was there for his favourite person and now hearing that she will meet the Pogues, the ones he hates so much, irritated him more than he thought it will. What if they will change her and her opinion about him?

The rest of the breakfast was quite and it was something new for the Camerons, but as soon as Rose and Ward left the house, Charlie realized it wasn't over yet.

"I'm so not agreeing with this. I don't want her near them." Rafe said while following the girls outside of the house. Today was also a shopping day; she really needs new nice clothes since most of them are just large plain t-shirt and shorts. She needs new interesting thing, especially for the party. Her first party ever. If going to a party at five years old doesn't get count.

"We didn't asked you, Rafe." Sarah said as she played with her keys between her fingers right in front of Rafe's eyes. He was ready to kill her with his glare and Sarah totally loved that.

"Well, why can't you just come with us?" Charlie softly talks from behind them, in ignorance of the cause. Of course she knew about the constant fighting between Kooks and Pogues, but she didn't know how messy things can get when they all get together in the same place.

So Sarah was quick to say no, but Rafe's smirk grew even quicker on his lips.

"Anything for you, princess."

***

The first day as a normal teenager went good, actually really good until now. They went through every store they find and they bought everything they liked, not really caring about money as they weren't a problem, just as their father told them. And when Charlie looked at her in the full length mirror while dressed in some short jeans and a white floral crop with some makeup on and some loose curls in her blonde long hair, she didn't believed she was the same girl that was dying a few weeks ago. Her scar was successfully covered by the piece of cloth and she was happy about that. She wasn't trying to hide it as she was proud about living it to show it off, but Sarah already warned her. "They say I'm the princess of the Kooks, well...Sis, they also say that you are the princess of the whole island." She was a riddle, a mistery, a name without a face and there are probably less than five people on the whole island that actually met her once. But things are gonna change tonight and she is totally ready for it.

Rafe wasn't home when they left the house and she kinda wished he was, but they will meet at the party anyway. Sarah wasn't too happy about it and Charlie can't understand why. Rafe is amazing and the best brother she could ever ask for...For her at least.

A curly short girl was already waiting for them outside of Carrera's house and she quickly jumped into the car, a backpack on her left shoulder and a bright smile on her lips. Charlie immediately compared herself to Kie; she was so beautiful and her skin was tan and flawless. Charlie's skin is pale, almost white and literally blank. There wasn't anything special about her.

"Hello girls. Ready to have some fun tonight?" Kie laughed and kissed their cheeks. "I'm really happy to have you here with us, Charlie. You look amazing."

Yes, she looked amazing for someone who was dying. Not amazing in the full meaning of the word. But she smiled anyway.

"Thank you, Kie. You look so beautiful."

"Oh, shut up already. We all are beautiful." Sarah said with a smile as she drove to the other part of the island and they all giggled.

The short car ride was funny and felt like fresh air for Charlie, knowing what's coming next. They jumped out of the car and Kie and Sarah got out some alcohol bottles from their backpacks. Charlie actually packed some clothes and personal stuffs and she thought her sister did the same. She should have known better.

"A lot of tourons are already here." Kie said excited for the party and she grabbed Charlie hand; they pulled her into the middle of it where three boys were surrounded by tourons. Some reggae music was blasting and Charlie smiled because the vibe was already nice and chill, ignoring all the looks that are throwed in her direction. People are talking while looking at her, but she tried to ignore it all. Nothing can ruin her first night out.

"Kie! Come here, we're almost out of beer!" A tall blonde boy screamed at the curly girl and they quickly found their way into the crowd, pushing the others away to meet their friends. Charlie can't read their faces, but she can tell that the blonde boy from earlier wasn't too happy to see her. But why? They didn't even knew each other.

People started dancing around to the music, everyone was drinking and smoking, a strong smell of weed coming right from the boy that had a joint between his lips.

"Charlie, he's John B. My boyfriend." They smiled so beautiful at each other. "John B, she's my sister, Charlie."

"You're really cute together." Charlie said with a smile and Sarah melted, beyond happy to see them talking.

"Is nice to finally get to meet you. I was beginning to wonder if you really exist or S-..."

"Why would you say that, dumbass?" A brunette boy asked and smiled to Charlie, kinda sweet that he was thinking at her emotions, but she didn't minded his question. She actually laughed at it. "I'm Pope, nice to meet you and please ignore all the stupid things he's gonna say."

"Nice to meet you too." Pope looked around like he was looking especially for someone who wasn't there, but he eventually found what he was searching for. "That blonde grumpy guy...He's JJ, but for your own good, don't talk to him."

Charlie couldn't keep her mouth closed, her curiosity eating her inside as she asked with a frown that put her brows closer together. She turned her head to the side, looking at the boy who was leaning on a tree, a beer in his hands and the stinky joint still in his mouth. He looked devastated; Charlie can recognize pain from miles away as she was in this state for all her life.

"Why not?"

"It's-...It's for the better." He realized he may say too much and he only talked to her for like two minutes.

"Guys, come here!" Kie screamed after them since they were left behind and Charlie followed Pope with a casual fake smile. She felt a knot in her stomach as she caught the exact moment when Pope looked down to her chest. He wasn't able to see the scar or anything else, but he looked at it and gulped down and that has to mean something.

She turned her head again to look at the sad blonde boy  and he was still there, but now he was also looking at her. A cold shiver runned on Charlie's spine at their intense visual contact. There was something in his eyes. These dark eyes were looking through her and at her in the same time, fulled with despise, hate, terror. All of them.

When you felt that pain in your life, that kind of pain when you get to the point when you beg God to show you mercy and ended it all, you can recognize it to another. And this JJ...He definitely feels it now.

After gulped down her first cup of beer and Sarah hugged her, happily that she actually enjoyed the party, she managed to escape the supervision of her sister and with tiny calculated steps she walked to the old tree the mysterious guy was leaning on. She took a gasp of air and her fingers randomly played at her back, feeling how emotions took control over her.

"Hey! I was-..." Her voice pathetically cracked when he moved his eyes from looking down to looking right into hers. They are a special color; a deep icy blue, reminding her of a storm in the middle of the ocean.

"I am-..." She tried to speak again, hoping that she won't get laughed at, but he stopped her when his expression changed to surprise and he talked before she even had the chance to say her name.

"Rose?"

tag list (lmk if you wanna be added babes): @afterglowsb-tch13 @asaks6082 @seneng-banget @paradigmax @jj-maybabe @sovuckie​ @talksoprettyjjx​ 

[bobasheebaby]

70 Scrubs Prompts

Yup, another prompt list. Most of these are actually light and funny, though some are a little heavier. I tried to pick ones that would work outside of a hospital setting. Again it’s super long so cutting at 15. 

1 “And who’s to say this isn’t what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won’t come true? Just this once ... “ — John JD Dorian

2 “Look NAME, I don’t know if it’s possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I’ll give it a shot. I never really believed I’d find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. NAME, I love you more than FRIEND.” “Oh my god” “It's kind of hard for me to say, but it's true.” — John JD Dorian and Elliot Reid

3 “I grew up on the street ... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.” — John JD Dorian

4 “As I looked at all the relationships around me ... Some that had gone on forever ... some that were reigniting ... and some that had just begun ... I realized something: It should have been me.” — John JD Dorian

5 “NAME, you can’t test love. When I met NAME, it seemed he/she was more in love with his/her best friend than with me.” “Honey, they’ve got that almond biscotti FRIEND loves, so I was wondering if I could borrow some money so I can get him/her some.” “No, you got him/her a present yesterday.” — Carla and Turk

6 “You’ve been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's 'NAME'.

— Perry Cox

7 “I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.” “I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.” “Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.” “OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.” — Carla and Turk

8 “So, uh, you going to lunch with your brother/sister?” “Yeah, I... well, you know, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.” “So call and change it to three.” “Ohh, I'm not gonna mess with that hostess. You know, she uses sharp tones.” — Elliot Reid and John JD Dorian

9 “Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy.” — Bob Kelso

10 “Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.” — Elliot Reid

11 “I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.” — Perry Cox

12 “Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!” — Perry Cox

13 “So he/she has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.” “You should bring it in someday.” — John JD Dorian & Carla Espinosa

14 “The problem with people who only want what they can’t have is that once they have what they want, they don’t want it anymore.” — John JD Dorian

15 “I guess when you care about someone, you’ll do whatever you can to make ’em happy.” —John JD Dorian

16 “The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person” — John JD Dorian

17 “‘Cause even if it breaks your heart to be ‘just friends’, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.“ — John JD Dorian

18 “The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.” — John JD Dorian

19 “Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.” — John JD Dorian

20 “Sex is only good for two things. Making babies and revenge.” — Jordan Sullivan

21 “What's going on?” “I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.” “NAME’s on the phone with his/her mom/dad/parent, so we're taking five.” — Jordan Sullivan, Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

22 “By the way, NAME’s here but I'm not going to kiss and tell.” “Oh really? Cause I just got your text that said "bone city".” “Oh really? That came through?” — JD and Elliot

23 “You're gonna love it here, sport.” “Get out while you still can.” “Uh...” “Seriously, get out while you still can.” — Bob Kelso, Ted Buckland, and Keith Dudemeister

24 “Ted, what are you doing?” “I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.” “Ted, lunch was four hours ago.” “Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.” “It's Wednesday.” “Aw, man! I missed SHOW!” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

25 “Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.” “No one male or female ever cared, NAME.” — Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

26 “Thirsty, huh?” “Helps the tears taste less bitter.” “Cheers.” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

27 “I have to get ready man. I want my date with NAME to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?” “Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.” “Yeah but except this time with two horses.” — John JD Dorian and Turk

28 “I am wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?” “She's pregnant, she's not a bull.” — Elliot Reid and Turk

29 “This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.” — Turk

30 [She/he sees NAME holding a beer] “What are you doing? [He/she threatens to open it] “You better not open that.” [He/she opens it] “Okay, you better not drink it.” [He/she takes a sip] “All right, You better not enjoy it.” [He/she expresses enjoyment, person A bitch slaps his/her beer] “Did you just bitch slap my beer?” “Are you calling me a bitch?” “Yes. Yes, I am!” — Carla and Turk

31 “Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?” “Okay, let it out. I've got you. NAME has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.” — Turk and JD

32 person a “This plan is fool proof.” Person c “That is impossible. You two are involved.” Person c “We will see about that!” [Person a and c crash into each other as they try to walk away] — JD, Perry Cox and Turk

33 person a “I don't think we have anymore wine. NAME, can I have some of yours?” [Person C’s narration: I felt like NAME was starting to blame me for all of this.] [person b Spills his/ her wine in person c’s face) “I spilled mine too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some NAME’s.” [Person C Spills his/her wine on his/her crotch] “I spilled mine too.” — Carla, Turk and JD

34 “Wait NAME! I have an idea.” “You have another idea? Well I've got to tell you, I'm done with your ideas and not just for now but forever! Okay, are we clear on that?”  “It's a good one.” “I'm listening.” — JD and Turk

35 “He/she is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.” “Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, he/she was skinless.” — Carla and Turk

36 “How often do you make love?” “Twice today.” “Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.” “Wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.” — Marston, Turk and Carla

37 “How was your first stress-free day?” “Horrible. And you?” “Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.” “Not helping with the stress.” — Carla and Turk

38 “Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.” “Oh, that's Nana.” — Turk and JD

39 “Are you nude right now?” “Yeah! How'd you know?” “Your voice is always higher when you're nude.” “That's true.” “It's not weird you know that at all.” —JD, Turk and Perry Cox

40 “You know, I actually like NAME. So, don't do that thing you always do.” “If you're referring to the game "Find the Saltine", relax. I don't even play that with NAME anymore.” [Later] “Behind your ear.” [Withdrawing Saltine from behind his ear] “My friend, you have found the Saltine. Uh, but, don't tell NAME we're still playing.”— Elliot Reid, JD and Turk

41 “Dude, he/she keeps a hug schedule with his/her friends!” “Okay, NAME ... looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2 o' clock spot and getting penciled in for never! How does that feel? Does it sting?” Person B Narration: He's hurting! Hug him/her ... hug him/her now! — Turk and JD

42 “Dude, don't sweat it - It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.” “Thank God!” “It also says their kick can kill a man!” — Turk and JD

43 “Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road pretending your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that pony.” — Elliot Reid

44 “NAME, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.” — Elliot Reid

45 “We have a very complicated past.” “Yeah, I hurt him/her, and I'm not proud.” Person B narration: I'm a little proud. — Elliot and JD

46 “NAME and I keep it superficial.” “Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today!” “Oh thanks buddy!” “Sparkly.” “Yeah!” — Elliot and JD

47 “Will you tell me what NAME’s fantasy was?” “Nope.” “Did it involve chains?” “No.” “Whips?” “Mm-mm.” “Candle wax?” “No.” “Role-playing?” “No.” “Lasers?” “Mm-mm.” “Hamsters?” “Negative.” “Was he/she a Mexican apple thief?” “If only ...” — JD and Elliot

48 “Why don't you just move into my place?” “Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.” — Elliot and JD

49 “NAME, what you said before ... I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.” “NAME, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.”

— Elliot and JD

50 Person A “Ohhh, my God, you're right.” Person B “Don't let him/her be your puppet-master.” Person C “Hey!” Person B “Hey.” Person C “What's up?” Person B “I have a headache.” Person C “Take some aspirin.” Person B “Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!” — Carla, Elliot and Jake

51 “I've never connected with a guy/girl like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know NAME better than I know myself.” “What does he/she do for a living?” “I should know that.” — Elliot and Carla

52 “Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?” “Well, you...you could have just told me that.” “Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!” — Elliot and Jake

53 “I've seen the Wiggles live in concert ... twice.” “Did they perform 'Big Red Car'?” “They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.” — Perry Cox and Turk

54 “What's wrong with me?” “You're an annoying, whining man-child.” “That question wasn't directed to you!” “What question?” — JD and Perry Cox

55 “I’m notifying all my old boyfriends/girlfriends today that I'm officially off the market.” “I'm sure the 'pulse' setting on your shower head will be devastated!” — Elliot Reid and Perry Cox

56 “If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.” “I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.” — Bob Kelso and Perry Cox

57 “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man/Woman Not Caring.” [points to self] — Perry Cox

58 “If you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.” — Perry Cox

59 “Should I talk slower or get a nurse that speaks fluent moron?” — Perry Cox

60 “Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?” — Perry Cox

61 [thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me? — JD

62 “And you know what else? I quit!” “No you don't!” “Well I'm leaving early today!” “No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!” “Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!” “Whatever.” — Ted Buckland and Bob Kelso

63 “Your dog is creepy.” “Aww...be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.” — Elliot and JD

64 “I thought we cared about each other ...” “Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same thing.” “Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!” “Do me right here.” “Okay.” “See!” — JD and Elliot

65 “Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!” “Oh, come on, NAME. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a... clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.” “Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.” “You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.” — Elliot and JD

66 “You know, I've been thinking a lot about us lately.” “Me too.” “God, you drive me crazy.” “Oh, you drive me crazy!” “Sometimes I just lay awake at night, thinking about how unbelievably lucky I am to have you in my life.” “Sometimes you're so controlling it makes me want to strangle you..” — Paul and Elliot

67 “Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.” “You know, NAME, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.” “Yeah ... never gonna happen.” — Elliot and Paul

68 “You know, it's funny... when I said "I love you," it was an accident - and I never really loved you at all.” “That is an absolute riot.” — Elliot and Paul

69 “Okay, here's what you do: First you say that, even though our relationship is ending, you don't have any regrets.” “Oh, my God! Are you actually telling me how to break up with you?” “You're right. Go ahead.” “If you could just start me off, that'd be super.” — Paul and Elliot

70 Person A “You never explained that U2 thing, did you!” Person B “You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe it's not such a bad thing that that happened! Right? I mean, things have been going really well between us, and maybe it was fate! I could've been looking at my Bel Biv Devoe CD and said, "I love Bel Biv Devoe" - which I do, by the way. And I'm not ashamed of it.” Person A and B “That girl is poison..." Person A “NAME, look, I just think that if you guys are meant to get to this point, it'll happen... naturally.” Person B “You're right! "I love U2!" Dammit! Why do I always have to say every little thing that comes into my head!? Ugh, I really wish you wouldn't stand so close to me after you take your hummus break. See! I didn't need to say that! I'm gonna tell him.” Person C “Love you!” Person B “Love you more!” Person A “Ugh!” Person B “You know what - brush your teeth, then judge me!” — Carla, Elliot and Paul