#and she hates bekng told it's her fault

[hafwen]

Wow the last 14 hours have just been an exhausting misadventure at every turn

[forestryfae]

i dont. understand. when are they expecting us to be able to do laundry. i have an hour in the morning i guess but i physically cant get myself out of bed unless its absolutely the last minute and they dont wait for you to hang up your laundry, theyll just drive away from you.

theres also an hour right after i come home from work but generally i need it to change clothes or shower and to regain some of my energy.

after dinner theres like 2 hours but jesus christ i JUST got back from work and i share laundryday with another guy, i have no idea how much laundry hes gonna do

then theres a meeting every other monday and a dumb bullshit hike that takes like 2 hours then were back around 7:30 or 8 i think and generally after a long tiring hike where noone waits for you so you dont get even one break even tho your legs are burning there isnt much energy for laundry. and then theres that one meal we get afterwards as a reward or whatever for the hike and then at 9 they lock the laundryroom.

so theres like 1 and a half hours there too ig but who has the fucking energy. we need showers too. and to eat. so like yeah theres like a few hours here and there and one load of laundry takes half an hour with the big machine but thats still a very tight schedule. esp considering they REALLY want us to go on the hikes cus its An AcTiViTy ThAtS gOoD fOr YoU.

like. i have limited energy and i only have so much time in the day. i can only do so much in one day before i run out of energy and i need to be allowed to be tired and need to rest too. i dont function well on tuesday evenings specifically because im exhausted. its why i take wednesdays and fridays off. i need the extra rest and time. like. idk how to even explain it without sounding lazy and whiny and kinda pathetic for not being able to do a million things a day back to back. but i actually need time to decompress and shit. idk.

the point ismondays are a shit day to do laundry, i dont want to do it on wednesdays cus i like to have time off but im expected to clean my room the millisecond i wake up and im more often than not woken up with "good morning, what are you going to do today, i think you should do laundry and cleanyour room" like thanks now i cant get out of bed until 12 and i cant do anything i was planning to do cus yall wont stop fucking pestering me if i dont do whats expected of me every single minute im alive, and they never fucking check when i actually do clean and usually cleaning my room results in 'you missed a spot'. like why even botver. its so fucking stressfull and i dont know how to stop bekng stressed and when people try to help they make it worse and itpisses me off so much, i hate having people mess witvmy stuff and moving shit around and touching fucking dirty clothes then moving clean stuff.

like jesus christ im allowed to be tired. i need to be allowed to have hobbies and free time that doesnt result in my brain being occupied by being pissed cus someone told me what im Supposed to do instead of just allowing me to fucking do what i need or want to do. like can i get five fucking minutes where i dont feel guilty cus i dont shower fast enough or i dont mop the floor fast enough and i dont walk fast enough and im not strong enough to just do shit without ever getting tired or needing rest.

were not even doing real therapy rn, i wanted a psychologist and i still havent gotten one, i wanted to talk to the economics guy and i still havent been able to, i cant talk to anyone who isnt my primary contact and i have no idea how to even reach out to her plus shes not always working so i dont always see her, and like. a lot of the time i feel like whatever i say is just Too Emotional and its not actually worth the time but my guy my parents have been treating me like i dont deserve to exist in front of them since i was a fucking toddler and when i got bullied in school my parents thought that was my own fault for getting angry that i was being treated like shit. i didnt fucking grow up with people who cared about me unless it suited them, im fucking allowed to be upset and confused and terrified and worried about shit. it makes perfect sense that i dont understand any fucking thing and im struggling so fucking much. i should be getting help and getting rid of the shitty fucking house and getting diagnosed and maybe even medicated. i should be in fucking therapy and i should be talking to SOMEONE about shit instead of sitting in my room crying every weekend cus i dont know whats wrong with me and im starting to get worried that im just too fucked up to be fixable or atleast able to be liked by people

in other news the laundrymachine was taken and theres stuff hanging to dry cus the people working here did laundry today and now i have to wait until saturday and i have like 2 tshirts and 2 pants and one bra and one sweater thats clean and that will not last until monday

[ihavenopersonalityuwu]

I asked my father if I could stay with him and I'm already regretting it. I feel like I'm putting myself in the middle of my parents and siding with my father now and it's an awful feeling, reminds me of times like that growing up. But I don't exactly have a choice so.. Yeah. Just hoping my mom isn't mad about it when I tell her.

[dewiyl]

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I find myself hard to share this. I dont have many friends to share, or i dont trust them enough to tell them this. This is the only account my that friends dont know, so im gonna write here. Im so into The Beatles lately, love to hear their songs, they were very charming and attractive as young boys. What a journey the have made. So it was such a shame that they broke up the way they did. Espcially between Paul and John. Then last night, i, unintentionally, got curious about what really happened between them. Only they knew what was what, and many rumours has been spreading whether they're true or not. So I am just assuming. Of course by watching their interviews. In my opinion, The Beatles as a whole group not only Paul and John, would break up anyway. With or wihtout Yoko. I thought this as I watched Goerge Harrison when asked about John. He sounded upset that John and Paul never realized his presence, forgot that he and Ringo were also in the band. Well, I cant blame him. I wouldve felt the same if i were him. In that kind of fame, it mustve been so hard to yourself together. You forgot people when you are in the top. Thats human being. Feeling upset and left behind is also human being. So it was unavoided what happened to them. However, John and Paul broke up was another story. And I think it was more than being in the band and writing sings together. It included many people as well. Yoko, their managers, and maybe even Linda. This is where I feel like I can relate to John's feelings. John was already complicated man before even everything started. His parents got divorced, seperated from his mother when he really wanted to live with her. Then he met Paul, shared the same hobbies and stuff, started everything together, visited his mom together, and even I think they were together when John lost his togther which really shooke his world. And Paul was there, even more he had the same experienced when his mother died. I guess their bond started to grow, like more than bandmate, friend, even more than brothers. Not in such weird way. I assumed that Paul was like everything for John. Would absolutely do everything for him. Maybe all this time he was longing for a mate, a person who really understands him, like really really really understands hi, fun to work with, and he can do everything with him, having fun together. Like a soulmate. And maybe he found that in Paul. I mean John didnt even feel thay way to women. Even I think Cynthia felt that too. So if someone feels that way toward a person, it must be something REALLY big happened between them that made them hated each other. I, too, had who i considered as a best friend. We met when we were in highshool. We were classmate. She had another friends that time. When i first talked to her, we were suprisingly really connected. Or I thought so. I think we shared the same thoughts and views on many things. We shared the same hobby, music taste, movie and others. She had a boyfriend at the time, my senior. It didnt bother at all really. She had her time with her boyfriend after schools which after she had time with her friends, including me. Not long after we first met, she started to ditch her ald friends. Said she sometimes didnt feel comfortable with them, always talked about the same things, boys. I remember her friend was mad at me because she didnt wanne be friend with her anymore. It wanst even my fault tho haha. We texted more than she did to his boyfriend i guess. I was so childish and insecure, so she took care of me very well. So I felt like 'maybe she is my best friend'. I never felt to have someone like that. I wasnt longing for someone or lonely, but it was nice to have someone who looked after you and you can depend on. She really was someone like that to me. Her mom was nice too. I've met her family. We even went to the college and took almost ever class together. So i thought the friendship will not end after highschool. She adapted very easy to new environment and i didnt. So she helped me alot to make friends in college. Until finally, she started to have new boyfriend. She still took care of me a lot in the beginning. She wasnt too opened about her relationship with boys to her other friends, except me. I was always the first person to know who she was seeing. Her dates treated me well too. So I was fine with her bekng with boys. I wasnt jelous of feeling lef behind. Until finally she made me feel that way. I dont know what happened, if I hurt her or something, or she maybe didnt like to hang out with me anymore, she started to left me behind because of his new boyfriend. And he made her being friend with his friend too. At that time i didnt understand any of it and felt like i was the victim. Why did she leave for him? I wasnt in boy x girl relationship so i didnt understand that it had to be the friend who was alyas left behind. She will forever choose her man. Even worse, she made a lot of new friends and never asked to hang out with her anynomore while hanging out with them. It hurt so much. I didnt like being treated that way. I begun to show how i felt towards her and she knew it. She said nothing about it and let our friendship started to fade away. Now we are almost not friend anymore. Sometimes we dint even talk when we see each other. I've never been treated like that so it really effected me in everyway. Thus, until this day, I still cant forgive her for how she made me feel about her. I hate her. I hate her because we never really discussed what really happened between us. I still hate her because she never shows her guilts. I'm starting to hang out a little bit with her lately, but I cant help but not to let my guards down. I dont wanna feel like a best friend to her again and then being left behind again. But I do care for her. I really want to be by her side if she needs me. I just feel she doesnt want me to be. It is whole different friendship now. Its not it used to be. I cant talk the way I did to her before and she doesnt talk they she did to me before. It pisses me off that it has to be this way. I loved her as friend, I really did because she was able to make make me feel pathetic and miserable when she wasnt friend with me anymore. Around two years ago her parents got divorced, her dad went to another city and his mom married somebody else's husband. I didnt know until his mom told me. I was the LAST to know about that. I tried to talk to her to tell about what happened. I was sad that I was the last to know. And it was when his brother got a bike accident and did surgery. I was so sad to see what was going on to her family. She must be in pain, confused, and didnt know what to do. Then she said se was going to move from her house. Again, I was the last to know. I was mad and upset about that. Now I'm trying not to take everything about her personally. We hang out and bump into each other quite a lot these days. I dont wanna think that we're close friend anymore. She seems like want to keep a distance. It upsets me really. I have a lot to tell her, what happened in my life and stuff. And I want to know what happened in her life while we didnt talk to each other. I hate it that we cant. Since then, I havent found anyone like her. I find the other friends always disappoint me. I dont know, I think I feel like I'm vulnerable to let someone into my life. Friends, lovers, anyone. It's hard to let go. What I actually really want is that her admitting her faults and talk about what happened. That's all. I see myself as John. Not that I have a hard life as he did, but maybe John felt like that too. Maybe Paul didnt realize him and Paul broke up had different affect on John than it had on him. When John lost his mother Paul was there. That was probably his hardest time. So he might think that Paul left him behind. I dont know what and how, but somehow I feel like Paul had special place in John's heart. He might be thinking that the most important people in her life were Paul and his son Sean. Being let down by people that are as important as that in your life affects you so much. Maybe Paul didnt know that since everything was normal to him. He didnt feel like losing a soulmate. It was so sad that they might didnt get a chance to say everything. After all, they were soulmates. I cant talk to anybody about this. I really cant. I already imagine the face they make if I tell them. They just dont understand.