#and she doesnt understand my transition at all or why im doing it and she wont call me adam unless we’re in front of my friends

[fagrackham]

happy to be home bc of my dogs and free food and comfort and my hometown i love so much but its always nice to be reminded that i just CANNOT live with my mother

[notjennyfromtheblocked]

Im deliberately sending this off anon so you can see that you arent being 'attacked' by 'Anne', and the fact youre even discussing it that way is ableist as fuck. Im going to start this by making it clear, I have BPD, Im also trans and you will not be knowing my AGAB. You are the asshole in this situation.

We're going to start off simple, you are not an expert on BPD, google and tiktok is full of misinformation and harmful stereotypes about Borderline pplo. BPD is not an 'abusive person' disorder, there is no such thing as a condition that makes you an abusive person. BPD does cause intense, deep emotions that can shift quickly and be hard to control; often this includes having intense feelings for people around them and being scared of losing them/them not being who you thought they were. Because this condition comes from trauma (usually from family/relationships) there are often amplified feelings around abanonment and betrayals of trust especially from ppl you thought were your friends. It is in fact common for some of our nost intense lifelong interests start bc of stupid reasons, but starting bc of a stupid reason doesnt mean the interest isn't genuine. Have you never done something bc your friend wanted you too and you ended it up loving it? Why is it any different bc it was a crush not a friend? BPD doesnt make you a manipulative person, nor does it make you gaslight ppl and seeing as 'anne' has a psychiatric degree Im sure he understands his condition better than you do.

Secondly, 'Anne' is allowed to be trans in whatever way he wants too, she doesnt have to bind, or pack, or change his appearance for anyone. I have a beard, long hair, wear any kind of clothes I want, have tits, have bulge, am hairy and wear a full face of makeup. Some of those things are part of my agab, some of them a part of my transition. And its not a single iota of your goddamn business whether youre friends or not. Gender is a performance and you get to choose the outfit and 'Anne' is deciding what she want his to look like.

Thirdly, you do not seem to understand that part of the reason you very clearly show yourself to be the asshole is the way you speak about others. Describing being an introvert as being more sophisticated or above extroverts is just ridiculous, you are not superior bc you dont go out to parties. I don't either, I find them uncomfortable and loud, but that doesnt make me sophisticated. You talk about 'Mike' as if he cannot be the arbiter of his own interests or relationship, that hes just stupid and couldnt piece it together if 'Anne' was 'faking'. You talk about 'Anne' like she's some master manipulator but you did everything that happened to yourself, you went to the GC and convinced them that something was wrong, you took a group of ppl who didnt know 'Mike' to 'Anne's' house to confront him, you made a callout post about 'Anne' on facebook, you tried to immediately go running to 'Mike' for damage control when your 'intervention' didnt work and you are the person that blasted it all over facebook and now tumblr. And now you are the one losing friends and family, and you deserve it, because the ppl you convinced to attack 'Anne' realised wtf they'd just done and how fucking horrendous that is. You have no evidence of any manipulation, or that 'Anne' is faking, or that 'Mike' isnt happy, you just presented your prejudice. 'Mike' and 'Anne' realise what youve done and they have enough proof to convince a judge or they wouldnt have gotten that restraining order. You are the person behaving manipulative here and everyone can see it except you.

I've tried writing a response to this so many times but I end up deleting it because when I try to explain myself it just sounds like I'm going in circles. There are tons of other asks I've tried answering and rewritten like seven times each before giving up. I've been writing over and over trying to explain like how while yeah technically Mike never told me word for word that he was T4T, when he told me I wasn't his type and then like two days later came out as trans it felt very, very much like he was coming out specifically to let me know that's why I wasn't his type. Or how I was trying to explain how look I know it might be controversial but the constant "main character syndrome" of extroverts just gets on my nerves and is supremely selfish in general and also the truth is you're just GOING to be more intellectual if you spend your free time actually expanding your mind instead of smoking pot and grinding against strangers and how someone like Mike who prefers the same free time activities as I do is just not going to work with someone who would rather party and get wasted than pick up a book, or how Anne is pretending to be trans and I know this because she isn't changing ANYTHING, and I was going to explain that the group chat was full of people she didn't know because it initially was a fandom ship discord from a show she doesn't watch but eventually when I started getting concerned yes it kinda became my "complain about Anne" vent place because nobody there really knew her well enough to go tell her what I was saying and it was a safe place for me to vent and explain why I thought she was abusive and cheating and they would actually listen instead of tell me to knock it off like others, and obviously OBVIOUSLY I thought her and I were close enough as friends she wouldn't mind me using her spare key which she kept under the doormat so it's not like I searched hard. I've written all of that so many times to so many different asks I can't even count and then i just end up deleting it because it feels pointless to even try because I know people will just keep sending asks so why bother so I never wrote it til just now unless I deleted it.

Im gonna be totally fully honest here I woke up and I saw the 99+ notifications in my inbox and I haven't been able to stop shaking because I'm so fucking angry because nobody is on my side, I literally scrolled hoping to find at least one person who was agreeing with me and nobody was and honestly I was so mad I couldn't even see and then I finally found a couple of nice asks and they were signed and I was so excited someone finally agreed with me and when I checked on their blogs they were all fucking terfs. All of the people who were taking my side were fucking terfs. And like I'll be honest with you I have two very close family members who are trans and honestly they've both blocked me recently and even though I tried to contact them they didn't respond and I seriously hate hate HATE terfs because they've been so cruel to my two family members. And I'm so angry. But then I found your ask and at first I was so angry and I tried to reply but I just deleted it because I was getting angry. But then I found more terfs in my ask and then even more hateful anons from non terfs.

But then I kept thinking about how conservatives will literally LITERALLY have Nazis agreeing with them and dig their hills in and in like wtaf how are you not seeing that NAZIS are agreeing with you? But literally the only people agreeing with me are terfs. And honestly that's the last shit I want, I luterally hate terfs. I'm not even exaggerating when I say this is the nicest ask that WASN'T from a terf so I've just. I dunno. I am freaking out because this did not go the way I planned. I knew some people wouldn't agree with me but I thought it would be more split, like some YTA but mostly JAH and NTA. And then when I saw the poll for a hot minute I thought maybe it might veer ESH but obviously that isn't the case. It's just like have you ever really cares about someone, really really cared about someone, and he says oh please don't hug me and pulls away, and then other people hug him so you think I better tell these other people "don't hug him, he doesn't like hugs" and then he says its fine and then starts hugging other people but not you? And you realize at no point did he ever say he didn't like hugging, he just asked you, specifically you, not to hug him? Well imagine that but with Mike, and he stopped wanting to hang out with me and told me not to touch him but whenever I'd remind Anne not to touch him he'd say it was fine and I guess when he came out as trans it was just easier to believe he didn't date cis people than he didn't want to date me. And there were times I thought man I wish I were a trans person so Mike would notice me, and then it seemed like Anne was doing just that because of COURSE it crossed my mind to pretend just for a little while, because if he just gave me a chance he'd realize that we are compatible. Honestly I'm just freaking out because I made this blog a month ago after sent the ask to the aita blog but then it didn't get answered so I started the blog to get all this off my chest. And bam suddenly I was bombarded a month later and it took me a minute to realize the aita hadn't deleted it. Honestly none of this went according to plan and nobody except people I fucking hate want to hear my side. And I dunno. I just don't know. Bur if the only people agreeing me with me all day are terfs then obviously I need to think things through.

[genderkoolaid]

Hi this im sharing my experience w transandrophobia when i was younger. ⚠️TW for rape but nothing explicit. Also, sorry this might be long, theres a few parts I wanna cover, and I'm wondering if anyone else hs hd a similar experience. I was 15 and had only been out as trans for like a year or 2, and I didn't really know anyone else who was queer, let alone trans, so when a new trans girl around my age moved to my school I was excited, and I told her that I liked her outfit. We chatted a few times after that, and after a while she invited me to hang out at her place. I hadn't really known her well, but I was so excited to make a new friend that I kinda pushed any worries to the back of my mind. However, once I was there, we were bonding over being trans, and she started saying really weird things, that she couldn't understand why anyone would want to transition to being a guy, and that T corrupted people and made them ugly. At the time I still had a lot of iternalized transandrophobia, so I had initially brushed them off as a little harsh but ultimatly #feminist. Later that night things took a turn for the worse, and I'll spare you the gorey details, but I do remember that she told me that I'd be so much better as a lesbian, and that she had made fun of my packer to the point that I cannot pack anymore (something that used to help w dysphoria) bc of the assosiation of that night. She also said some fetishistic things about me being asian (shes white). I never ended up reporting it, bc at the time I still wasnt sure what had happened, and if it really had been rape. But I did ask her to never speak to/contact me again and blocked her. It made going to school really hard, because I was so nervous that I'd see her in the halls. After about a week, as I was leaving school she came up to me and started crying and telling me was sorry, and I didn't know what to do and people around me were glaring at me and it was just such a scary situation. I didn't really see her much after that. It was a long time before I told anyone. Its so hard talking about it because on one side, I'm worried that people will think I'm making it up to hurt trans women or to push a certain narrative. I want to say that I do not think this is a problem with trans women as a whole, moreso an individual problem with her. In fact, I had a similar experience at the hands of a cis woman when i was much younger. On the other hand, when I have talked about it, cis people have used it as an excuse to misgender her, or otherwise be transphobic, which doesnt help at all and just makes me feel worse. It just solidifies that they don't really see either of us as valid. That i'm just some poor little little girl who needs to be protected. Its been a few years, and I'm still getting over it, but I really wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks. Sorry it's so long.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know there are other transmascs who have been in similar situations with transfem abusers and not talking about it for fear of the optics & how it can be used as a weapon by others, so just know you aren't alone and I'm glad you shared this.

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

real! I used to love her (ts) but she feels very different than she used to. I’ve listened to phoebe bridgers a bit, she was good just not the type of music I usually listen to. Boy genius and Lucy Dacus are both amazing tho. They for sure deserved to win Aoty, or sia

sorry for how long this got??? i just started writing and oh whoops....

anyway- THATS what ive been saying about her unfortunately. its like after folklore/evermore things genuinely changed because of all the fame and popularity. people werent criticizing her anymore and instead overly praising her.

which isnt bad! i do think she deserves praise over folklore. the marketing of it being a suprise album was very clever too. but i think before those folklore there was a sense of criticism that people had with her music that kept her wanting to innovate it.

i have a strong believe that social media's algorithms are failing artists to innovate pop music in the same way than 00's pop music did just because of how much less artists have to lose now with their brandings. i once again bring up artpop by lady gaga and how much she lost for her idea???? and now??? gaga was really fucking killing it. her music had such creativity and passion put into it that you can SEE her drive in that. (also to know i didnt understand artpop as an album until MUCH later in my life)

but taylors lack of needing to innovate her sound due to her popularity and lack of criticism really has just shown how much her music has come to decline in quality. if you see the transition between fearless and speak now. those two albums. she TOOK the criticism that she "couldnt write her own songs" and literally flipped that narrative to write that entire album herself. and to me? arguably speak now is MY favorite taylor album.

and the transition between speak now to red to 1989 to reputation. theres SO much that happened in that sense of time. theres different sounds that make those albums what they are. 1989 was such a creative endeavor for her because it was her first step into pop music. i think was also her first time working with jack? now people say her decline on music is his fault as a producer but i dont believe his role had gotten bad until midnights. (i saw people discussing clairo's sling album because he produced it. but THEYRE WRONG. SLING IS GOOD AND HIS ERA OF BAD PRODUCING HAPPENED IN 2023(?) i forget when midnights came out ugh thats how many taylor albums we have gotten ffs)

but the breakaway and challenge 1989 gave really set up for reputation. she disappeared because of all the hate. and i think while I DONT SUPPORT that type of treatment because no one should go through that type of mental low... that really set her into a space to create more fluidly and with more passion?

lover- people will say was a flop.. and ill admit too... cruel summer?? shouldve never ever became a single. it was better as a hidden gem. but lover was good for the majority of songs!! there's still passion in it.

it was just that after folklore/evermore it felt very.... underwhelming and not like her at all. the quality slipped so so off the page. it just feels very recycled and unnecessary. especially like i said the fandom doesnt help with overconsumtion and she really truly should use her platform for more. the economy being in shambles and yet she wants to charge $700 for a concert ticket. (nothing bad if like someone WANTS to go but its genuinely ridiculous because inflation shouldnt BE like that).

not to even cover merch??? why is it so high?? shouldnt you want it to be accessible to your fans since you have so many?? vinyl prices are ridiculous but WHY is a hoodie almost $100. im sorry but like why 😭. cant we just charge $60 again?????

anyway all that to say that after the evermore era her music genuinely slipped off. im just thankful that the speak now rerecord didnt get BOTCHED as high hell. i have opinions about the vault tracks because the entire reason was to include tracks from that era and yet its like your smearing shit onto a perfectly wonderful painting and saying "look yall!! i added to this!!" wrong. wrong wrong wrong. idk. 1989's vault tracks just made me mad. it felt so unlike the vibe of what 1989 was???? and slut was NOT written at the time of 1989. come on.

timeless though off of the rerecord for speak now.... i will defend that one with my honor. i genuinely am glad speak now's vault tracks didnt get horrible treatment. i like that she kept the solo writing with the entire album. adding on fob and hayley's collabs as a callback because i really remember seeing videos of her singing sugar were going down and thats what you get during the speak now tour. it just felt like a full circle moment for that. fob's collab couldve been better but im glad it wasnt like... bad.

stilllll think matty's collab couldve been iconic on slut. even if i hate 1989's vault tracks as a whole... the 1975 does have good music. I KNOW. controversial yeah. anyway. hes got talent tho.

i found phoebe during 2020 when i was listening to a bunchhh of different artists (the 1975 too yeah). but punisher found me and i used to not be able to sleep due to anxiety/insomnia back then and i would listen to that album for months to just SLEEP.

i have a closeee bond with it. its like my favorite if not a close second of my favorite album of all time. its just really interesting?? also really valid that its not your type of music either. i just hold her stuff close. also did a english assignment on smoke signals' lyrics. i remember that. i got to say "fuck the cops" in the assignment and felt very proud of myself LMAO.

in terms of lucy- i for some reason never have gotten around to listening to her stuff?? even though i know i need to and should?? i just always somehow forget. many people have told me to but oh man i forget.

glad we can agree that they deserved album of the year btw.

sorry for the LENGTHY reply but yeah!! i might be forgetting to talk about something but askinf about my special interests (music) will always give you a lengthy answer.

[rei-does-stuff]

MAKE YOUR MARK CHAPTER 6 LIVE BLOG BABYYYYYYYY

EPISODE 1!!!!!!

-FIRSTLY I’ve been so fucking excited for this that I dreamt about it THATS RIGHT I DREAMT ABT IT

-This is gonna be the last mym chapter….:(((((

-OKOK LETS STARTT

-NO MORE SPARKY TRANSFORMING THE NETFLIX LOGO :((((

-MANESTREAM!!!

-SIBLING BONDING I LOVE THEM

-“Hold onto your cutie marks!” IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE SUNNY

-AAAA THE INTRO ITS THE LAST TIME WELL HERE THE INTRO!!!

-PIPPP YA GOTTA STOPPP

-I love you izzyyyyy

-HOW THE HELL DID SHE BLOW THOSE SO FAST, strong fuckin lungs

-BLAIZE!!!!

-All the dragons have the same model yes, but they all still look unique and pretty good IN MOTION

-OH SUNNY IS TERRIFIED

-Aww trying to put on her tough voice this is why ur my favorite sunny!!!

-AWW IZZYYYY

-I LOVE LUXXE

-Leaf is cuteee

-Tumble and him are def gay

-FOUNTAIN IS A LITTLE CREATURE….Well big creature but yk

-PIPPS FACEEE

-OH SO THEY HAVE THE SAME SHIT AS SPARKY

-OPALINEEEEE

-OOO SONG

-HER VOICE IM IN LOVE

-God that was sooo goodddd

-Love sunny rushing in to defend alicorns

-Also her putting her hoof around zipp GAYYYY

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-Hitch and your dad jokes I love youu

-Sunny trying to make friends with Blaize, IS THAT A PERSONALITY I SEE?

-Also her and Blaize? Rlly gay

-Love this green dragon (already forgot his name im a little dumb)

-SPIKEEE

-OH HIS VOICE WILL TAKE A WHILE TO GET USED TO BUT ITS NOT BAD, he finally has the deep voice he’s always wanted, good on you for the transition, plus he is total nonbinary goals

-AWW SAME HUMOR!!

-Also Sunny fangirling a bit

-AWW HE DOESNT REMEMBER :(

-TWILIGHT MENTION

-AW HIS LIL ‘Twi?’ OUGHHH

-okok so we were all pretty right on the real story!

-“You lost magic??” LMAO EVEN SPIKE IS LIKE ‘rlly???? After everything you rlly lost magic yall are wild mannn”

-When sunny gets excited her alicorn-ness starts to show, I’m not saying its a stim but it’s totally a stim

-AWW SUNNY REMINDS HIM OF TWILIGHT AAAA

-Love his speech but I wish they referenced how he thought the same but realized his true family were with other ponies

-GAYYY i need to see ship art of sunny and Blaize NOW

-ALSO WHY ARE YOU ON HER BACK SUNNY YOU CAN FLY, MORE REASON WHY SHES GAY

-YOU TWO PIPP AND ZIPP YOU CAN FLY!!!

-OUFHHHH THAT WAS SOOO GOOD!!!!

OKOK NEXT EP

EP 2

-TWO PARTER BABYY

-NO NOT THE TOGETHERNESS TREE

-The townsponies still freak just the same as g4, some things never change

-SPROUT

-‘And Pipp’s hair is still fabulous!’ I LOVE YOU ROCKY

-YEA MISTY WOULD KNOW

-LOVE THIS SPEECH UGHHH

-“That is…An option!” SUNNY DONT BE MEAN

-AWWW IM GONNA CRY

-PRINCESS SUNNY AAA

-FILLY MISTY

-‘SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO CHECK HER MESSAGES’ HAHAH

-NOOOO NOT THE DRAGONS

-SPARKY YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN

-OHH SHE KNEW SHE FUCKING KNEW MISTY BETRAYED HER

-GET HER ASS ANIMAL FRIENDS

-OOO YAY THE DRAGONS ARE BACK

-OOP NEVERMIND

-YES HITCH GET HER ASS

-OUGH SUNNY UNDERSTANDING HOW AFRAID MISTY MUST BE TO SEE HER ABUSER AGAIN AAAAA

-AAAAAA THAT WAS SOO GOOD

NEXT EP NEXT EP

EP 3!!!

-GRAB HITCHS CUTIE MARK MISTYY

-YESSS GO MISTY

-GET HER ASS

-GO AFTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND SUNNY

-OO PIPP YOU SMART

-WELL IT WORKED FOR A SEC

-UGHH I LOVE THIS INTERACTION BETWEEN MISTY AND OPALINE

-HEY YOU GOT TO DO YOUR PLAN IZZY

-SHE IS SO SMARTTT

-DAMN IT NOO

-‘We could just call’ I LOVE THEMMM

-THE NECKLACE

-NOT OPALINE PLAYING THE “you and I were not so different” CARD

-BUT ALSO SUNNY YA CANT REDEEM HER SORRY

-SPARKY YOU GOTTA BRING IT ALL BACK HOME

-SONGG

-DONT CRY REI AAAA

-NECKLACE TIME RAINBOW POWERR

-THEYRE RLLY PULLING OUT EVERY STOP

-ELEMENT OF HARMONY???

-HA GET YOUR CUTIE MARK WIPED

-AWWW

-CRYSTAL PONY TIMEEEE??

-AWWW THAT WAS AMAZING

LAST EP LAST EP

-40 MINS AND NEW NETFLIX PRESENTS LOGO

-THE MUSIC????

-THEYRE SO PRETTY

-ZIPP BEING WORRIED ABT HER GIRLFRIEND

-THEY DID ALL THE STOPS WITH THE VISUALS ITS SO PRETTY

-CRYSTAL TOWN CRYSTAL TOWN

-New threats maybe?

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-CRYSTAL PONIES

-SONG

-TRANCE???

-Auroricorns! New name for Crystal ponies?

-STARSHINE TIME

-AWW THEYRE ALL DOING CUTE EYES AT HITCH

-This is def giving me comfort special vibes!!!!

-Trip-Skating!

-STIMMING SO MUCH RN

-THEY DONT KNOW ABT EQUESTRIA

-Never allowed to leave? Ooooo

-SNOW PONIES

-GIRLFRIENDS AGREE WITH EACH OTHER

-If this keeps going this well this might be my fave ep

-WTFFF

-This is some freaky shit

-WTF ARE THISE????

-GRIFFINS??

-ANGEL BUNNY 2.0

-HER VOICEE

-So she’s like Opaline, but probably less fun? Interesting….

-Messed up tbh

-Maybe Allura will get a redemption arc?

-SUNIZZY CRUMBS

-SONG

-WOW she is stupid I love it

-DAMN THIS IS SOME OUR TOWN SHIT

-SNOWBALL FIGHTT

-YEA MISTY

-SONG

-So she might be back!

-VIOLET FROST

-AWWWW

-NEW FRIEND

-LETS GO COMET

-THEY EACH GETTING THEIR OWN FORM OF ELEMENTS OF HARMONY

-WHO IS THAT VOICE???

-BROTHER???

-THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING

-MANE 7 MAYBE??

-NEW GUY TOO

AAAAA I LOVED THAT, even tho there’s no more mym I’m sure tyt will be just as good once the episodes get longer!!

[goremet-chef]

guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)

so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me

my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer

so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.

to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'

that one, other one, etc etc

no one even calls me my name anymore

it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going

its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body

its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all

it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate

need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all

i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.

and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this

so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it

she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.

IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable

it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think

its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously

idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon

and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.

i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this

[lunarifie]

Rewatching Ninjago

(With no context other than the episode)

Sons of Garmadon episode 5-6

FIGHT SCENE FIGHT SCENE

Mr E: (Cracks his neck)

Zane: Are you the quiet one??? ARE YOU THE QUIET ONE

Omg I forgot Zane used a bow and arrow for a while.

I love his fighting style, and weapons.

I like how we only see Zane fight seriously when its with other nindroids and powerful villains.

Because, you know, hes made out of titanium.

This scenes so cool. No joke, just Zane and this guy fist fighting it out as Zane screams for answers.

It just feels so real

Zane (sparking and injured): You dont have to do this….

Mr E: (kicks him off the cliff)

WHAT

NO.

the way Zane was so quiet, so pleading and understanding

I hate this

I remember seeing a post that says the animators were allowed to put more injuries on Zane since hes a robot and there wouldnt be as much gore.

Which is so true, because theres a huge gash on Zanes face and the only thing thats showing is wires.

Like imagine that sort of injury on the other ninja. Blood would be flowing.

DID ZANE JUST DIE!?!!?!?

HE LIKE, POWERED DOWN, HIS EYES WENT DULL.

I hated that so much he looked like he really died.

Stop. What is Mr. E putting in Zanes chest. Istg if thats a tracker im going to shit myself.

STOOOP. 😭😭😭 THE CAMERA PANNING OUT FROM ZANES BODY TO SHOW IT ALL CUT UP AND SCUFFED.

Even the intro music changed…

God, all of them finding Zane like that. They sound so scared.

THEY HAVE A GURNEY FOR SITUATIONS LIKE THIS?!?!?!? HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS HAPPENED????

The transition from the bright spotlight to the doctor/mechanic lights was so good

Jesus christ Zanes in actual bad shape. Like actually. This is what would happen if one of the other ninja got hurt this bad. Zanes in a coma and its up to him to get better and wake up.

This is scary I dont like this 😭

It makes you think. That whole fight and falling off a cliff probably hurt a LOT

Wait so theyre LEAVING ninjago city? As in abandoning everything? I mean, thats the right move, but thats just crazy to me. Its been so long since theyve been outside of ninjago.

Baby Wu: WAAAAAAA

Jay: Maybe hes thirsty! Give him some milk!

Cole (handing Wu to Kai): I tried that! He doesnt like milk!

Jay: WHAT ELSE DO BABIES DRINK?!?!?

Kai (handing baby Wu to Jay): Dont ask me! Ask him!

Cole: HES A BABY. HE HASNT LEARNED HOW TO TALK YET.

Jay (handing Wu to Cole): Oh! maybe he needs a diaper change!!!

Cole (holding Wu as if he has a disease): ohmygosh, DO WE EVEN HAVE DIAPERS?!?!?

Lloyd: We’re NINJA, WE DONT NEED DIAPERS.

Jay: What if we used one of our hoods!

Kai: NOT MY HOOD!!!

HFDJFFJJDNNGNDGNLMAOOO

i love them all sm

Theyre all idiots

THEYRE TRYING TO DRAW STRAWS 😭😭😭

I love how Harumi is the one calming baby Wu down with a lullaby. Now we know she probably did this so if she ever needed to steal Wu he’d be comfortable going with her.

The fact that Harumi and Lloyd are comforting each other on their parents makes me so sad

She obviously asked him just so she could know more about Garmadon.

UHHH DID HARUMI JUST GO FOR A KISS??????

Lloyd: Uh! I um, better go see, uh. I have to go. That way.

AWWWW HES SO AWKWARD 😭 LOOK AT HIS LITTLE AWKWARD WALK.

Ok I get that Lloyd fell first, (which I like to pretend never happened) but if Harumis whole thing is becoming Garmadons daughter. Why is she making moves ON HIS SON. like thats so weird 😭

I get it tho, shes probably trying to gain his trust, and if they were involved, that realization would probably hurt a lot more.

Cole (watching over baby wu): awwww

Baby Wu: Wa… wa… WAAAAAA

Cole: no no no please dont cry!!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. haha! Look at me! Hey! Lala! See, im not crying!

Baby Wu: WAAAA

Cole: Ughhhh FINE. but this is between you and me. 😒

Cole: shine little glow worm glimmer glimmer. Dont get dimmer dimmer

AWWWWW cole is so cute with kids

My favs for this season are definitely him and Lloyd.

THE BLANKY.

Pls tell me it has Wus name on it and thats why Cole gasped

Jay: Woaah… look at that storm!

Nya (navigating the ship): You know, there was an ancient tribe in ninjago that worshipped a storm spirit called Wohira.

Yayayayay Nya and Jay time :)

I love them sm and small moments with them are so cute

Look at Jay listen to his girlfriend infodump 🥺

Nya: They believed Wohira protected them.

Jay: Wohira? Haha thats silly.

(Storm crackles and shakes the ship)

Jay: AAA NOT SO SILLY ANYMORE

Just googled what who wohira is and apparently its woJira.

“Wojira (also known as the Sleeper in the Deep, the Great Serpent, or the Mighty Serpent of the Wave and the Storm) was a storm spirit in the form of a giant sea serpent. Before time had a name, she used the Amulets of Wojira to rule the seas of Ninjago.”

Huh, I hope Wojira comes up in the show she seems so cool

Ok so the ninja are all gathered up, and they learned that a trap was set from an audio recording Zane took. Ofc that trap is the thing Mr. E placed in Zanes body. But they think they can track the quiet one with the recording.

Its so funny to think that rn Harumi is probably shitting herself. She looks so scared 😭

Pixal: We need to go under the storm, its interfering with my signal and i cant trace the recording

Harumi: UM! wont we be spotted if we go under the storm 😀 we’ll be seen by the sons of garmadon!

Lloyd: Harumis right.

GODDAMMIT

Jay: So where do we go?

Cole (barges in holding a map): HERE! it was with the baby the whole time!

Ohhhh so the blankey was a maaaap

Kai: I dont get it? Why was the baby wrapped in a map?

Cole: I dont know, maybe they didnt have any diapers either.

Harumi (sick of their bullshit): THIS, part here looks like it can be the central part of ninjago 😀

Which in harumi translation is: hurry the FUCK up and stop MESSING AROUND so we can find the MASK.

Jay(trying to stab his meatball): Haha! Come here you little sucker!

Jay: (stabs kai)

Everyone:

Cole: (covers baby Wus eyes)

Jay: I… am so sorry….

Kai: Dont. Just dont.

Uhhhhh zane?

Holy shit holy shit holy shit

What THE FUCK is that

IS THAT THE TRAP SET BY MR E?!?!?!?!?

I THOUGHT IT WAS A FUCKING TRACKER NOT A MECHANIC SPIDER WTFFFF

It looks so creepy i hate it

It reminds me of coralines other-mothers hand.

The way it walks against the floor ughhh

i hate it so much

Nya: What are you feeding him?

Cole(feeding baby wu): tea!

Nya: WHAT?!? you cant feed a baby tea!?!?

Cole: He wont drink anything else!

Ooooo the lights went out….

Awww the way they abandoned everything to see if Zane was okay 🥺

Lmaoo Harumi going back for the map

God this is actually so scary, the background music was perfectly picked for this scene.

Pixal sounds so scared and frantic :(

Wait so they lost control of the WHOLE ship?!?!?

Cole: Samurai X is on their way? They must be here to help!

Wait so Pixal transferred herself to samurai x already?

Pixal: Im afraid that is unlikely…

Wait what

Pixal: Because my system is overrun…

Kai: Youre making no sense Pix.

Pixal: Now… would be a good time to make a minor confession.

Pixal: I am Samurai x…

Ohhh so shes overrun. so someones controlling her body!?!?!?

Everyone:

Cole: Are you serious???

Nya: How is that possible?!?!

Jay: Totally called it!

Cole: You did NOT

Jay: Did too!

(explodes the fucking air thruster)

Istg if they destroy the destinys bounty AGAIN-

Awwww Cole cares sm about the baby 🥺

Jay redirecting literal solid lightning is crazy to me

AND KAI MAKING A FIREBALL TO LIGHT THE SKY?!?!?

Lloyd: Harumi! Take this! (Hands her a sword)

Harumi: But I don’t know how to fight 🥺

Omfg

I hate that Nya is the one stuck looking for that disgusting ass metal spider

UGHHH I HATE THE SQUEAKING AND SQUERLCHING NOISES IT MAKES

NOT THE SPIDER CLIMBING ON ZANE

STOP DID IT JUST JUMP AT HER?!?!?

okay but who is controlling Samurai x specifically. Is it Mr E?

Im gonna be forever confused by the small things Harumi does, like saving Lloyd when he could have easily died and no one would suspect anything.

Aaaa so she was ‘kidnapped’ by Samurai x.

STOP NOT LLOYD JUMPING AFTER HER IN THE STORM.

LLOYD PLS

Jay: He did not just?!?

Kai: He just did!!!

Hfjdntdjnsn

Lloyd: Pixal stop this!

Samurai x: There is no pixal, only the quiet one.

Okay thats actually so smart though. With Harumi right there too.

Lloyd: (stabs the suit)

Samurai x: (ejects from the suit landing on the ship.)

Lloyd: I did not think this through…

NCJDNGJDJT

Harumi: We’re gonna…

Lloyd: Were not gonna die! You hear me?!?!

Harumi: The map! Maybe we can use it as a parachute!

Lloyd: WHAT IS THIS?!?!? A CARTOON?!?!?

LMAOOONFISNGJDNDNS

Lloyd (puts harumi in the samurai x suit): the suit should break your fall!

Harumi: What about you?!?!?

Lloyd: sorry only room for one…

Harumi: NO I NEED YOU!!!

This scene would have been so dramatic and touching if Harumi wasnt who she was 😭

Also the ‘I NEED YOU’ makes me wonder if Lloyds a part of her plan. Like she actually needs him for everything to work.

Lloyd: And I need that map.

HE ACTUALLY USED IT AS A PARACHUTE

Harumi was probably so pissed at that moment as she crashed in the suit and Lloyd swung down.

Nya (getting strangled by a spider): AAAAAAA

(A spear stabs the spider with perfect aim)

Zane: what in the name of ninjago is happening around here???

ZANE❤️

We missed you 🥺

Pixals back!!!!

Samurai x: (throws sword at the last air thruster)

Pixal: (Back online.)

Pixal as samurai x: (watches as her body throws the sword into the air thruster just a little too late)

God that must suck for her. To imagine your seconds late to having saved them all.

Everyone: (holding onto the ship as it goes down)

Jay: She got the last thruster!

Kai: Any ideas!?

Zane: Not one!

Kai: Yeah me neither…

Jay: PRAY TO WOJIRA!

Nya: That is NOT helpful!

HFJDJFNF I love them all

Zane: Maybe we can create enough drag with the sails!

Kai: WHAT SAILS!!?!?

(Their sails completely destroyed)

Zane: 😶

Wait wait wait okay Jay might be onto something

Jay: The rain! It could slow our fall!

YES NYA YES USE YOUR AWESOME FUCKING POWERS!!!

JUST LIKE THE VERY FIRST TIME, SHE WAS TAUGHT TO CHANGE THE WATER FLOW TO RUN UP

I LOVE THIS SHOW SM

this is actually so cool

Like the way the rain is going under and hitting the bottom of the ship.

Nyas such a girlboss

WAIT BABY WU

Good job Cole, like honestly. If he hadn’t gone straight for the baby. Wu would probably be dead, A baby would not have survived that impact.

Awwww Jay helping Nya up.

The forest they landed in is actually gorgeous

Pixal: Zane?

AAAAAAA

THEIR REUNION

Pixal: I needed to keep my identity a secret, to protect the ones I care about…

Zane: You dont need to lie to me, you didnt like being stuck in my head :)

Pixal: that too. ☺️

AWWWWWWW he knows her so well 🥹

Kai: Wheres Lloyd and Harumi?

Oh god theyre alone.

AND NOW THEYRE RUNNING FROM A DINOSAUR????

Omfg and to think its that stupid ‘extinct’ one that was in the episode that had Lloyd magically age up

Pixal and Zane are genuinely so cute

awwwww Cole with baby Wu :)

Cole: What do you think the babies name is?You think he’s a Cole jr?

Ik ppl say that the show writers kinda just threw Jays inventing quirk away which makes me rlly sad but its nice to see that they sometimes show him fixing stuff, like the crashed bounty.

The dinosaur: RAAAAAAH

Cole: …what do you think that was…?

Kai: Probably just some cute little critter?

Jay: Or a big critter… A great big vicious critter with lots of teeth and claws and pinchers—

Cole: You cant tell all of that from how it sounds 🙄

WAIT THE THRUSTERS WORKING?!?!?

nvm lol

Jfjebfjdnf wish I could screenshot on netflix, Jays covered in soot and id love to draw him

AWWW ZANES GIGGLES SO CUTE

Jay: IVE HAD IT. FIRST WE CRASH LAND IN WHO KNOWS WHERE AND NOW ARE SURROUNDED BY WHO KNOWS WHAT

Cole: Look on the bright side! Cole jrs okay! so you can change his diaper.

Jay: ha. Ha. Ha, hilarious.

GOD NYAS SO COOL

She looks awesome in her samurai x mech

Pixal: My suit! I mean— your suit.

Nya: Its okay Pixal, its yours now :)

AWWW I LOVE THEM

lloyds actually super smart to put a note on the mech

Aaand the sons of garmadon are coming

Keep forgetting the place theyre in is Primevals eye.

Harumi: I didnt imagine myself here.. But, Ive always dreamed of being with you 🥺

That was cringy as shit thats when you know shes overdoing it 💀

oooo now theyre on their way to Stranglers Path

Lloyd: Naaah, the name doesnt mean anything. Just some bored map maker— (Gets fucking snatched)

HOLY SHIT IS THE TREE GONNA EAT HIM?!?!?!!?

Omfg I hate that Harumis sword throw was actually so cool

Also why does she keep saving him when its most convenient to just let him die?

Like, she had the map, she had the sword, she couldve continued on.

Im assuming the “i need you” scream she did when they were falling to their deaths has smth to do with her plan.

Lloyds voice actor is actually really good

Lloyd: How did you learn to throw a sword like that?!?!

Harumi trying to cover her ass: I- I dont know! I just saw you in trouble and I… I guess it was luck

Lloyd: LUCK?!?!? That wasnt just LUCK! That was—

Harumi: (kisses him on the cheek)

SHE ACTUALLY KISSES HIM

I THOUGHT THERE WERE ONLY ROMANTIC IMPLICATIONS NOT AN ACTUAL KISS

im gonna kms

Zane and Pixal working together inside the bounty is so cute

Maybe I shouldnt kms

Zane: Is it working?

Pixal: No.

Zane: How about now?

Pixal: NO.

Zane:…

Zane: I detect frustration from you, yet that emotion is not needed for this task? Is something wrong?

Pixal: No…

Pixal:…

Pixal: Yes.

I love how Zane acts all calculating and ‘different’ than an ‘average’ human, which ppl would usually chart it up to him being a robot.

But then we have Pixal, a whole nother example and she acts just like everyone else 😭

I love how thats just how Zane is

AWWW I FORGOT PIXAL HAS HALF OF ZANES HEART/LIFE SOURCE

Pixal: Was i more useful in the computer…?

Pixal: I like having a body, but if I was more useful in the computer…

Zane: The choice was always yours pixal. And I for one, like seeing you like this.

AWWWWWWWWW

i love robot love

The way they just went back to working 🥺

The levitation oni mask is genuinely awesome. And the way it looks like it has no drawbacks. Amazing.

I dislike the ninja talking about Lloyd having the hots for the princess VERY much

Cole: Pliers.

Kai: Pliers?

Jay: I dont have the pliers! (Someone hands it to him) oh, why thank you!

Baby Wu: (walking with two legs)

Jay:

Jay: hehe, COLE. I thought you put the baby down for a nap.

Cole: you mean little Cole jr? Yeah i did, but he was a little restless.

Jay: Uh huh yeah. Then why is little Cole jr standing in front of me and PASSING ME THE PLIERS.

LMAOOOO

the way they all ran

Cole: Im no expert… but do babies do that?

Kai: No. No they do not. And they also dont know what pliers are.

I keep forgetting that Kai like, RAISED Nya, so he definitely knows all this stuff.

Baby wu: (grabs a hot cup of tea and blows it)

Kai: And they DEFINITELY dont do that.

HFNDKFNDJDNFNR

Jay: Okay! Now ive seen it all! Now i REALLY quit!!!

Baby wu: aaaa. Ninja neva quit.

Everyone:

HFNDNGNDJNFT I KNEW IT WAS THIS EPISODE THE MINUTE HE GOT TWO LEGS

Harumi: AAAA (screaming at the sons of garmadon insignia)

Shes such a good actor i hate her 😭

Ohhh i forgot Lloyd and Harumi find a boat and like ride it or smth

Harumis giggle is so cute ☹️

I think Harumis trying to recruit Lloyd, which is why shes saving him and manipulating him. If she plans on keeping him long-term thats the only reason I can think of.

Harumi: Garmadon wasnt the greatest villain…

Lloyd: Oh, no? You probably grew up thinking it was Morro, or the devourer. Wait, don’t tell me. Pythor!

Harumis probably thinking ‘this bitch’

Harumi: no. Its the one you never even knew was there in the first place. The one who gets away.

Lloyd: The quiet one…

Okay this scenes actually really creepy when you know

I love how skeptical Nya is until Wu says his catchphrases

Nya: But how did he get so… Young?

Jay: Haha! Who knows! Hes a living fortune cookie. Everything he does is a puzzle MEANT TO TORTURE US.

Jays got his facts straight

Ohhh okay so it was the reversal blade that made Wu young, got it.

I love how the animation makes this feel like a new show but they always tie things back together.

Jay: But when is he going back to good old Wu?

Jay to the baby: No offense, you look good for your age.

hes so funny

Ughhh the sons of garmadon

Why am I pretending I dont like them I actually genuinely like their characters 😭

HELL YEAH! THE BOUNTYS FIXED

Cole: Let us take care of this wu, you looked after us, let us look after you.

I mean honestly, Wu didnt do much ‘taking care’ of you guys

I love when the ninja bicker in fight scenes

Okay but Lloyd is genuinely smart, the way he noticed there were no rocks and had Harumi stop the boat.

I hate that Harumis so cute, i hate that she has a nice singing voice, i hate that shes such a girlboss gaslighter

And i hate that theres a giant fucking dinosaur fish in the river 💀

ITS A FUCKING CRAB WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Theyre gonna be pulled to a waterfall by the current

Knew it.

Nya: Look! The signal to search for the quiet one is working! But thats weird, it says it originated from the bounty…

Kai: but thats impossible…

Zane: The only ones on the ship were us, Pixal, and…

Everyone:

Nya: Harumis the quiet one.

THATS HOW THATS REVEALED,!?!?!?

OKAY BUT THATS ACTUALLY SO GOOD. THEY DEMOLISHED THE ‘VILLAIN REVEALS THEMSELVES’ TROPE AND ALLOWS THE HEROES TO USE THEIR INTELLIGENCE. STILL LEAVING STUFF AT STAKE WITH ANOTHER CHARACTER STILL UNAWARE

Zane: We must warn Lloyd!

Ultra Violet: I wouldnt do that if I were you…

OMFG.

Love the ninja protecting their friends. Cole was holding baby wu and Jay jumped in to save them 🥺

I love crowd fight scenes. Just the heroes having to fight off groups of henchmen

Aaaand they lost.

And Lloyds with Harumi.

This is so great.

They made it to the temple with the mask 😐

OKAY NOOOOW THEY SHOW HARUMIS EVIL MISCHIEVOUS FACE

[jarvis-cockhead]

i came out as trans last night to my mum thinking itd go a lot better than it did, i love her and she loves me and she cares about me immensely and im not upset with her but i no longer know how long it will be before i can live the life i want to live. 'i cant even cut my hair' i keep thinking. i wanted to cut my hair. haircuts are always scary for me and i wanted her to help me. she doesnt want me to do anything until ive had professional help. she doesnt want me to do anything permanent, full stop. she told me she doesnt see how it would help me and i know that she just doesnt really believe me. i knew she has concerns about the rise in trans people but i also knew shes not transphobic and i guess i thought maybe for her own child itd be different. i have no idea where shes got her information from because she currently believes that from what shes read there is no evidence of transitioning making people happier, which of course isnt true, a simple google search will show you papers and studies that say otherwise. she doesnt want me to cut my hair. i was always scared of my dads reaction because while hes also not generally transphobic, i knew hed be resistant and would find it difficult to come to terms with but after her reaction im completely terrified. my dad and i are very close, we run on the same unique frequency, and if something were to change that i dont know what ill do. i cant lose that. we arent telling him yet. he is the only thing in the entire world that makes me want to do nothing, because i cant lose him. i cant cut my hair on my own for fear of raising questions before he knows. i cant do it. i told my mum i love her for the first time in i dont know how many years. i cried until my head hurt. at some point when i was about 14/15 i remember telling her i hated my name and she told me i could change it if thats what i wanted. last night she told me she doesnt know if she could use different pronouns or a different name for me- not for a long while, anyway. i couldnt tell her my name. on top of all of this, she has a very understandable reason for why she also cant prioritise this situation, in relation to stress and her health, and i am not upset with her. the last thing i want to do is make her more ill. we're going to talk to her friend together who is very good at talking through issues. i have no idea when this will happen, im away at university most of my time now. for weeks and weeks and weeks when ive come home ive wanted to say something and now i almost wish i hadnt. i cant come home and be me. i cant come home and be me.

[foreverfiction11691]

My Reality vs Your Reality

DEMENTIA=HELL

One of the hardest things Ive had to witness over the past few years was my gram battling dementia. Dementia really is a ones own personal hell. Imagine being trapped in your own reality and people telling you that what youre seeing isnt really, making you seem like the crazy one..when really its the brain literally lying to you. For the past few years weve been taking care of my gram and decided to place her in at home hospice care last year, since then her health has declined in the past few months. Imagine seeing someone a few weeks ago being able to walk without assistance and do other things without help and then suddenly no longer being able to do those things with help. Its absolutely heartbreaking and I dont wish what were going through on anybody. Ive never knew how bad dementia could be until I saw my gram have an psychiatric episode last week that lasted for 24hrs. It was so heartbreaking having to explain to her that what she was seeing wasnt real. Dementia is evil. It will literally take someone you love and turn them into a completely different person. The hardest part for me was watching her call a dog that didnt exist to show itself to us to prove that she wasnt crazy, even going as far as petting her comforter like it was a dog. So far gone into her reality and not understanding why we didnt understand her. I cant imagine what that must be like, seeing something and being told it doesnt exist and just being completely confused. The visons and hallucinations continue, no matter how many different meds they try. It really doesnt feel right lying to your loved one that you dont see what they see and that it doesnt exist, so we took a trip into her reality. The dog was found by its owner that came to our door, the cat was let outta the house, the people in the hallway left, the little girl on her bed.....I dunno about that one. Easter was Thanksgiving, its crazy how the brain can trick you into believing things because its literally dying, almost like having a bad trip but without the drugs. We, as a family have come to the difficult decision to put her into a facility, as she now requires 24 hr care and care that we can no longer provide. It doesnt feel right, but I do believe that my gram is her transitioning phase to end of life. They have taken her off of most of her meds now and are only giving what she needs for pain now. Im literally grieving someone who is still alive because of an evil, incurable disease. It doesnt feel right, but we know that we must do whats best for her and her safety. Shes the last remaining grandparent I have and at 93, I think shes lived a pretty damn good life, not to mention how many times shes cheated death, but we can only do that so many times. Death comes for all of us, whether were ready for it or not, I just want her to find peace and not suffer anymore, no more pain.

[youve-doomed-us-all-jerk]

man of steel watch 2023😁(long af reactions under the cut lmao copied from twitter)

fuck it you already know

still wonder what zacks plan was with the codex🤔🤔🤔was it just there to thematically be him carrying the kryptonian refugees or was there more

still crazy that zack in his unsubtle way made the villain colonizing eugenicists and people got mad at him for saying the appropriate response was killing them lol

minor thing but appreciate jor not saying anything when zod was pleading that lara abort the launch, just a look, he trusts her, feel like thats paralleled with clark and lois's relationship later, again minor but superman medias all about speeches so lmao

"his name is kal, son of el and he is beyond your reach"🥺

lara's theme is so good

the pan to his abs, zack knew the demographic he was reaching for

the worlds too big scene😭😭

if i saw a big breasted man run boobily across a lawn and steal some clothes i wouldnt snitch

he aint need to throw ross out the water like that but he uses words like dicksplash so he deserves it

😭😭😭(got nothing to say about the "maybe" scene, im tired lmao)

forgot how many emotional hits they roll out so early in the movie lmao

lmao remember when people said ludlow wouldnt try to fight clark cuz he was huge, cuz as we all know toxic masculinity definitely doesnt make men act stupid and vile lol anyway proud of clark for fucking up his truck sexual harassers deserve nothing

its her lois lane shes here

genuinely didn't know joe was clark for my first 3 views of this movie lmao

the flashlight to clarks laser eyes transition was cool(so was the pod landing in the farm transitioning to the boat crashing against a wave scene)

super buff sexy drifting doctor clark kent

fuck this nerd who sold lois out after she gave him info. zack was already laying the seeds of the media being dicks from this one blogger lmao

"and kal, that's my name "🥺

jor-el's power point presentation let's go

do remember someone in good faith(hopefully lol)saying jor was "glorifying" colonization when he spoke "fondly" of the era of expansion of krypton, and maybe fair though that could also be why he and lara chose not to escape with kal, the whole they were a part of the problem

genuinely fav supes suit I get the desire to have the ma kent suit but i cant see it anymore as anything other than him reassuring his loyalty to earth(america) to the gatekeepers, martha had a whole lifetime with him let him have one of the few connections to his culture he has

first flight😃😃😃😃

seeing this for the first time as a teen and finally understanding "you'll believe a man can fly"

no superhero media has done flying as good as this, not even bvs or zsjl theres just something about MoS's flying that makes my brain light up

don't forget lois lane figured out clarks identity(b4 he even went public) without luther or bruce's resources, smartest bestest investigator in dcu🗣🗣🗣

should they have had a younger actor play 18 yr old clark in the argument with jonathan in the car scene, maybe, though cavills teen angsty" i didnt say that!" and "you're not my dad !>:(" voice was p believable lmao

the way she drops the biggest story cuz her kindness is as big as her drive to get the truth, no wonder she's what inspires him

ngl recently heard laurence fishburne in moon girl and devil dino and the whiplash between his 2 performances lmao

seeing the butterfly trapped in the chain has new meaning now

soundtrack: *hits those mos piano notes* me everytime:

well maybe for a little bit⚰⚰⚰

you think swanwick was watching the your are not alone message and thought it was a cliche

the military people behind the glass watching these two flirt right in front of them

when he breaks the cuffs while standing up😛😏

"it did to me"

maybe love is real idk

the ship atmosphere thing was such a good way to foreshadow kryptonite lmao(yes did still take notes while my twitter was down lmao)

Jor-els fun informative power point presentation vs zod's very bad no good drug trip

clarks mind vision of himself is literally still a farmboy idk why people still think he isnt "connected to his humanity" in the iteration lmao

black suit but with no silver to symbolize pure darkness, death and to make him look the same as zod

though not to jump to zsjl but we know zack had to smuggle the black suit in with the metal padding and post color editing in that movie do wonder if he was gonna go with a totally different design if he had complete control, maybe capeless, pure metal for the silver and a beard? do also remember him teasing the long hair in one interview lmao

watching superman sink into a mountain of skulls really rewired my teenage brain since i only knew of him from pop culture at that point ngl

will say kinda funny that clark is clearly torn up about killing while lois was just blasting kryptonians blam blam🔫🔫🔫girl boss

the escaping the ship ost is so good😩why wasnt it on the official soundtrack, i know theres a good youtube ver of it but lmao

ok starting to think the jor colonization criticism wasn't in good faith cuz clark does kinda bring up the whole "do you agree with zod about wiping out humans???" thing lmao

clark saving lo in the escape pod scene got me tense af in the theater

"YOU THINK YOU CAN THREATEN MY MOTHER?!" still goes hard

do like when clark is a lil petty lmao "cranky cuz your momma didnt teach you to not be overstimulated hmm"

neat little quirk clark does in all of zacks movies, before he gets in a serious fight theres usually a shot of him clenching his fist lmao

nam-ek popped the pilot like a blueberry

faora's so cool

my man fighting for his life in this ihop in front of all his old friends too

flying really was his one advantage against these soldiers and he loses that when he fights zod too they really put him thru it on his first day😭

faora made him waste all his bullets, wait till he pulled out a knife and then pulls out a bigger one like

like to think zack having the military drone strike smallville is a parallel to when the US did it to the african village in BvS

yeah big floaty alien thing in the middle of the city may be a lil overdone now but half dont look as good as how zack did it back then

world engine sound design so sexy too😋

zacks cape porn👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽

oh god🥺best scene, yes am getting emotional, scene means a lot to me

also kinda weird when zack does invoke the moses allegory people arent like "he's literally saying supes is moses!" like they do with jeezy creezy and his imagery lmao he's literally looks like he's parting the sea here lmao

in the wider snyderverse am realizing theres more moses stuff you can connect to even if the timeline is wonky and its not 1:1, obviously darkseid is the pharaoh with his whole enslavement thing, him turning supes to his side could be interpreted as ramses and moses

in this way zod, who believes in kryptons removal of "free choice" like jor and lara said, is the guard moses kills when he sees him mistreating one of his people

and the destruction of the genesis chamber and the other kryptonians being sucked back into the phantom zone could be an allegory for when god killed the first borns of egypt, no moses expert tho so could be reaching lol but fun connections, tangent i know lmao

oh also rather than a race thing it becomes more that clarks "people" are the ones who believe in free will and choice while darkseid and zods dont lmao anyway

"krypton had its chance!" still to this day lives in my mind rent free

lmao love that lois and clark are just horny for each other no matter who is watching not the military not lois's coworkers or the other survivors

zod's monologue👨🏽‍🍳👌🏽

to this day idk if i can think of a cbm fight thats topped superman vs zod, just in like raw visceral action and the fact they actually have stakes in it

thinking about how i remember shannon telling zack "as long as my suit isnt cgi i dont wanna wear those pajamas" or something and zack said yeah and then it was lol

my superman hates and constantly destroys military drones

and welcome to the planet! Glad i watched this again after so long, definitely needed that, hopefully work lets up enough for me to watch the rest of the trilogy✌🏽

[comerosas]

Sorry if this is outta nowhere, but in a desperate attempt to find people on here to relate to, I found a post of yours on an old, I assume abandoned, blog, about being a mexican trans guy/transmasc, and man. I felt that deeply. I'm also a mexican trans guy :) and I've been dying to find other mexican trans guys to like share these feelings like how you were talking in that post: losing your very large family bc you're trans, fearing they'd be straight up transphobic or just weird. I'm also not close with my extended family, and seldom visit mexico, but it's still a fear of mine, yknow? Being cut off because I wanna just be me. I'm not out yet to anyone, but these are the thoughts I have as part of why I'm so hesitant to transition and tell my family. But anyways yeah, I'm glad I found your post. I feel better knowing I'm not alone in those feelings. I wish you well, buddy :)

hey this ask was to be honest kind of weird to get (not in a bad way at all) because im not very active on tumblr and i purposefully avoid bringing attention to myself... but this ask also kind of means a lot to me.

i'd have to go back and find the post youre referencing cuz i dont remember how long ago i made it (was it on an older blog that links to this newer one?) but i completely understand (and have gone through) your desperation to find people like you. forgive me if this gets too rambley. i have a lot of thoughts on this.

even though trans people are everywhere online bc of the safety of being open online, it still feels extremely hard to find anything about a specific culture or not about white trans people. i kind of went crazy over it earlier in my transition. there is no advice or specific writings about how to come out to specifically latin american (MORE specifically mexican catholic) families and get them to understand you.

what happened to me was really weird and i'm not sure how common it is... i came out to my mom who is tolerant but early on said she doesnt approve. she said she would talk to my dad about it but he has never talked to me about being trans, and my parents never bring it up ever. its like a huge elephant in the room. it makes my plans of getting top surgery asap quite complicated (i came out at 23 yrs old and my mom said im too young for surgery)

online stuff related to nonwhite ftms is already quite rare, and even moreso when you look up stuff for specific groups like black, latine, asian, etc trans guys. theres a subreddit for trans men of color that i always forget the exact name of (its r/tmpoc had to look it up lol) and it is a nice read but its not as active as i wish. these frustrations of mine are compounded by the fact that although i am fluent in spanish, i'm much slower at reading it than with english so i have no ties to any online spanish speaking communities, nor do i know how to seek those communities out.

theres so much more i wish i had transition-related advice for, even for sillier smaller worries that I have. i think this is a weird time to be trans, theres a lot more visibility than people like us had in decades past, but theres still a lot of unknown territory and a lot of fear nowadays. because its hard to find stuff for your particular experience, sometimes you feel you could/should take up some kind of mantle as a spokesperson to help others like you... theres a lot of misinfo ive seen online about transition but i'm way too reclusive and private to put myself out there.

idk if youll end up reading this anon (does tumblr even notify you of anon asks being answered lol?) but either way i hope you end up finding more people like you, and i hope you can find even a little bit of community. and of course thank you for the kind words :)

[r34listic]

So i have a friend (lets call her tessa). Tessa and i are classmates. She joined our school last year and was the new student. I told her she can sit next to me in all classes and like just join my friendgroup cuz she didnt knew anyone. We became very good friends and we had the same kinda of humour etc. Since she is part of our friendgroup now, she is friends with my friends. Obv. And she came very close to (lets say Kira). Kira and Tessa did a school exchange together. I wanted to join but my parents didnt allow me so yeah. After that one week of school exchange kira and tessa came back to our country and were hanging out together all the time. I understand that they are good together but you could at least say hello, right? Kira was very sweet and gave me a hug and told me everything about the exchange. Tessa was just there.

So Tessa and Kira met new people like (fake names) Lucy, Mia, Mike... many people. And they were talking about them all the time. Especially about the boys. And if you ask them "isnt that the guy from the exchange?" Tessa would be like "you dont even know him, so what do you wanna say anyway". Like i was just asking? Cmon now i dont feel like standing there and not knowing anything about the convo.

This kinda turn into a habit. So Kira and I are still close and i kinda fixed that thing between me and Tessa. New school year (now).

So the holidays were over and we came all back together. Tessa and Kira ignored me as usual. So i was hanging out with the other part of the group, jenny and livia. I had beef with livia cuz like, i just dont like her. But jenny is super sweet.

One day tessa suddenly came to me and told me about her dream she had in the holidays. It was about me "stealing" all of her friends. She said it jokingly but i could see how worried she was. You must know, Tessa has a lot of friends. Like, she knows everyone of the world and considers them as her friend. Idk. She also kinda blamed me for having not many friends. So i thought i might follow some people on instagram. There were many people who were suggested to me so i just followed them and they followed back. I dont have many friends. Maybe 2 or 3. Most of them are more just a company tbh. Like tessa, jenny, kira... just talking with them so school isnt boring.

Ofcourse tessa noticed that i followed some of her friends and she tried to embarrass me in a convo with other people. I didnt felt embarrassed and noone laughed so it didnt work. She was like "yeah why are you following kiras mum on insta" and i was like "girl what are you talking about stop being so delulu"... basically she often does that. Tryna embarrass me for my interests cuz she has no talents. Like girl? I have a tt account where i started to post stuff about how to have a glow up and jzst the girly stuff. It went pretty well and i gained 21.8 k followers. Thats a lot i think.

As i had my first 3k followers i told the friendgroup. They were very supportive and followed me and stuff. Tessa included. I was happy that everything went well. I thought.

So in the past days Tessa also tried to expose (not rlly the word) my account to others and was like "she has a tt account about glow up haha". Well girl then mention the 22k followers.

What i notice is that Tessa doesnt have any talents. I have some, i think. Im very good at drawing, learning new stuff, healthy clean girl living, writing stories, being creative, also very good at school, making transition edits... and tessa just had nothing. As much as i know. She plays tennis and volleyball. Thats it i guess.

Its pretty obv that she is just jealous and i knwo that from the beginning of this drama. I know she isnt worth my time so i wont let her suck my good energy.

[bbboar]

weird asks: ALL hehehe

chaotic good, i love it!!

who is/are your comfort character(s)? Dont rly have comfort characters but during the 2020 lockdowns Breq Imperial Radch was my comfort character bcs i was going through some shit and she was a force of nature and justice Basically i get why Seivarden was down bad.

lighter or matches? Dont smoke

do you leave the window open at night? Absolutely not. It does not close properly and theres spiderwebs outside!

which cryptid being do you believe in? None of them but love to hear stories

what color are your eyes? Brown

why did you do that? What?

hair-ties or scrunchies? Ive never used a scrunchy so i cannot judge effectively

how many water bottles are in your room right now? Only one (i have 2 metal water bottles, one for home and another for work)

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee? Depends on the season! Hot for winter but cold for summer.

would you slaughter the rich? i understand the craving for violence but personally i think it would be more torturous to have them watch as their wealth is redistributed and they have to live like normal people and work and have a budget and shit lol Like i know i doesnt sound bad but the way some of these people live....theyd be crying screaming shitting throwing up etc

favorite extracurricular activity? Girl im 27, i dont go to school anymore. All my activities are extracurricular

what kind of day is it? Thursday. Actually its after midnight so its Friday now

when was the last time you ate? Like 5 hours ago, i had some chocolate

do you love the smell of earth after it rains? Yeah!!!

are you a parent? (all answers qualify) no

can you drive? No but god do i need to learn to make my life easier

are you farsighted or nearsighted? Neither to my knowledge

what hair products do you use? Lmao none?? Unless im curling my hair and using hair spray. Oh i also use a hair mask each time i shower.

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails? omg of course, bestie!

do you say soda or pop? Im Australian, i say fizzy drink

something you’ve kept since childhood? I have a sonic tshirt that ive had since i was 12 years old and i will not throw it away until it comes apart

what type of person are you? Vampire coded werewolf

how do you feel about chilly weather? I get sad when the weather starts getting colder bcs summertime is my favourite, but after that transition period, i think its fun to go into cozy mode! I love my big comforting jackets and my oodie and having tea every day.

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? Looking at the starts, laughing, having deep conversations.

perfume/body spray or lotion? Personally i dont use perfume or body spray. The only lotion i use is moisturizer bcs my skin is dry

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times? So many of them, lets not get into it

about how many hours of sleep did you get? Yesterday? Probably ~7

do you wear a mask? Yeah although not as much as i used to ngl

how do you like your shower water? Warm.

is there dishes in your room? Nope. The most there is at any given time is 1 tea mug and maaaybe a plate if ive had a snack or smtn

what type of music keeps you grounded? This doesnt apply to me

do you have a favorite towel? Not really?

the last adventure you’ve been on? Took public transport to an area id never been before last week. To me thats an adventure lol

is there a song you know every word to by heart? Yeah, theres a bunch where as soon as they start, ill know all the lyrics and be able to sing along but if the song isnt playing? Head empty.

what’s your timezone? Australian Eastern Standard Time

how many times have you changed your url? Over 5 for sure

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years? Damn i think ive known Kieran Teeniepaws for 10+ years (Kieran if youre reading this sorry for not tagging you, this post is sooo long)

a soap bar that smells good? I dont use bars of soap??? I dont find them that practical. But ive sniffed a lot of them in shops and like 80% of them smell rly good

do you use lip balm? I have to bcs my acne medication gives me super dry lips

did you have any snacks today? Yeah i had some chocolate after dinner

how do you take your coffee? I just have a regular latte no sugar unless its more bitter than im used to. Then 1 sugar

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site? Twitter lol, podbean, spotify, youtube and as of recently pokemon go

what’s your take on spicy foods? i love spicy food! i actually bought some sriracha the other day bc i missed having it

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it? who are you? The fbi? Im not going to tell you

can you remember what happened yesterday? woke up, took the bus, went to work, kept thinking about touchstarved (game) while at work, tried to play some sneaky pokemon go during work bcs i ran out of pokeballs and needed to spin the local pokestop to get more, went home, made dinner, made a touchstarved thread on twitter, went to sleep

favorite holiday film? Not to be a grinch but i dont like holiday films and im sooo sick of the xmas films that come out every year.

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage? Pretty sure i was 14,i had a glass of wine and fell asleep almost right after lol

can you skip rocks? I think its fun to do but i am bad at it

can i tag you in random stuff? If youre a stranger? No. If youre a mutual, sure! Go ahead.

[its-a-hil]

extremely long poem-like excerpt from my diary last may under the read more you should definitely just scroll past it

gonna go to bed now.

i read all of my diary entries from junior year

i am so fucking annoyed by past sahil like god she just… doesn't know so many things about herself i want to give her such a big hug fuck

also stuff with <friend name redacted> and <friend name redacted> and all of that and it's just … really melancholic

also also apparently google decided it's time to just reset all of my google accounts in firefox?????????? very confused ugh

i need to go to sleep

and i need to tell her everything not just bc it would directly improve present me's quality of life, but bc i i want her life to be better i want her to go on e so much earlier fuck please i want her to not be broken i want me to not be broken i want this all to work i want my heart to be functional i want someone to rest their head on my chest and vice versa i want to not have all of this fucking hair on my body i want to never have to worry about what time it is i want to be warm im so cold my head feels stuffy i need to sleep

i know it's never productive to imagine the effect of a single change on my life but but what if i knew what if i watched eva and someone told me shinji was trans codded (assuming i even kin her at all) what if bna was out by that time or if i had played bandori and saw so much of myself in aya and hina and maya or if i had watched monogatari or if i had considered the reasons why i kinned shouma or if or if or if please why does everything in the past always feel so inevitable or a product of chance it's always one of those two

the only reason i watched monogatari was bc of that egoist002 channel putting klk music and also having that katanagatari amv somewhere and even then it took nearly a year for me to start monogatari and another half year to understand that gender was a thing and another two fucking years to be honest with myself god im still so mad about when dad said that he was upset that i said i was in denial when i told him i didnt want hrt like what the fuck im fucking sorry that i, a fucking 19 year old, didnt know what the fuck i was doing with regards to a subject that never made a ton of sense to me maybe transitions like that have to happen slowly because i can't do things instantaneously everything i do is always studying and convincing it looks like the end product comes out instantly, but it doesnt it takes so long i have to workshop everything and the more scared i am the longer it takes i was so scared i am so scared no that's not right im not scared im scared of a lot of other things, but not this im scared of some reactions to it but not it itself how can i be scared how can i fucking be scared of feeling like a person with agency over my life you dont fucking understand dad you either dont know how it feels to coast and hide and conceal your tears from yourself or you just dont seem to process what that means for me i hate cars i hate destinations i want to walk slowly i want to take note of every bird, every flower i want to linger in quiet moments forever i dont want to materially affect the world im too selfish for that i want to stop, and have everything else pause around me i want to watch, and think, and imagine i want to write, and teach, and study i dont want to work i dont want to drive i dont want to make money or use money i dont want to have to interact with it at all in my life why cant i just be why cant i just breathe and drink and eat and run and climb and talk to the people i care about why does everything have to be about money why does anything have to be about money i hate it its all so wrong it ruins even things that i should care about and enjoy i like messing around in spreadsheets but contextualize that as a money spreadsheet and i  will have such a mental block against opening it

where am i i feel like ive lost an important thread right trans

i want bigger breasts i want brighter hair i want to pass barrring that, i want to be unapologetically visible i want kids to see me and think of me as a monster who they have to listen to bc im their teacher i want to tell them about me i want to tell everyone about everything and listen to their everythings too im sorry

why is that it okay i actually need to fall asleep now why am i listening to prince of doom again fuck okay gn i guess bleh

[missmeinyourbones]

Girl dad touya :)

ANON IM SO GLAD U SAID THIS BECAUSE ITS ALL THAT ROTS IN MY TINY LIL BRAIN

i definitely see touya as being a certified girl dad—probably to one tiny lil baby girl who was an accident bc i know his damaged ass doesnt want (planned) kids. i hc him as being kinda a deadbeat dad for a lil bit, esp when he finds out ur pregnant. he just panics and ghosts you </3 he convinces himself that you and the baby are better off without him, that all he can bring to that little family of yours is pain and destruction. but he still watches over you. he sneaks into ur house when ur pregnant and after the baby is born. he looks at her lil bundled up body and if he could cry he would be sobbing because how did he have any part in making something so soft? so tiny and delicate and beautiful? that has to be all you, right?

ur probably fully aware that he sneaks in from time to time to admire ur sleeping baby over the years, but u let it continue since its harmless and u miss him. u confront him one night, talk a lil bit, maybe even give him an ultimatum—tell him its not too late to be a part of her life, but hes either fully in or fully out. and it takes a long time, like a looooooonnnngggg time for him to fully understand this and commit to ur lil family. lots of tears and back and forth. but once all of his own personal drama is packaged away into a tiny box in the back of his heart, he does.

he loves spending time w his lil baby girl, who has ur eyes but (undeniably) his natural red tuffs of hair. they play a "game" to see who can clean up her toys faster but touya goes so slow (bc hes lazy and bc he wants to see her smile when she wins). he cuts up her fruit and laughs when she scrunches up her face at the ones she doesnt like (bc shes a picky eater just like her daddy <3). he does her hair sometimes when ur busy and it comes out so bad and lopsided and you refuse to let her leave the house like that but shes so happy because he did it.

girl dad! touya is rough and lonely at first—hes petrified and takes years to understand what the actual fuck he is doing with such a beautiful lil family. of all of the horror he's seen and produced, why hes so deserving of something this sweet. its a really hard relationship and transition but he does it. and its the best thing thats ever happened to him <3 (after meeting you, ofc)

[mueritos]

more about possible autism thoughts...

i didnt mention it til now but my last therapy appt went kind of weird. it was obvious that my therapist doesnt have a well rounded knowledge on autism, and her examples were of the “low functioning”, and she kept saying that I would be “high functioning” and therefore dont have autism/autistic traits. again, she was using very outdated terms and language that ive learned from autistic folks to be generally frowned upon. having functioning labels pushed on to me, along side not really getting a word in to what i was feeling, make me feel like there was no point in even trying to bring up the autistic traits i related to. im still struggling to understand myself and why now its all catching up to me, the anxiety and the sensory issues ive had, the social exhaustion and irritability...wouldn’t it have been more productive to talk about the reasons why i felt connected to autistic experiences rather than go through every way i dont? or, at the very least, why my therapist thinks I dont despite me feeling like the person i am in office is highly curated just for that social context.

sigh. either way, she gave me hw to keep track of my symptoms or things I notice to b more autistic but like. man that whole session really turned me off. now i dont even want to keep figuring this out with her if its just going to be weird. and im not even saying that i know for sure that i have autism! i just wanted a session that felt safe and welcoming to question myself based on my own experiences. and it just wasnt. which is weird because i never had an issue with her til now.

anyway. my classes started today but i didnt have any actual classes until tomorrow. and i like school, i really do, but now that im more aware of my sensory issues and my social needs, im starting to feel more anxiety than dread. like how loud will spaces be? will i let myself rock in public? will i have time to transition better between classes and social events? its just mostly anxiety about going outside and being seen. idk, it freaks me out. wear a mask and feel good that no ones looking at my face, or get stared at for wearing one when everyone else isnt. idk idk it all just sucks in my brain rn and maybe it wont be as bad. but i really dont like this limbo im in. I love being alone and i really crave it more than ever, but what if its more anxiety than social exhuastion? but i still get exhuasted even after being with people all day, especially if i dont have my low sensory hours. idk idk ughhh its just so frustrating trying to understand myself, especially because now i feel weird about going back to therapy. i wud appreciate any insight or tips for how to regulate better <3