#and she doesnt understand my transition at all or why im doing it and she wont call me adam unless we’re in front of my friends

[arolesbianism]

Was going to do some oni file digging but got too distracted playing the actual video game. Anyways look at her <3

[tenaciouschronicler]

May 6 and 11-14 2025 2010

Hello, I have returned from self imposed exile. Ive been feeling off the last week or so because of the whole losing a job thing. Only just now actually reading the updates again and its gonna take me a minute to get back in the rhythm so apologies if it doesnt flow well.

Updates

We return to the kids and find Rose getting her own chance to make a whole buncha cool stuff. Now that John has expanded the possibilities we get to see the other kids really let loose their creativity. I wanna deep dive this a little at the end.

Jade serves as a transition as she builds Daves apartment to the first gate. She works really well in this regard probably due to how prominent her connection to Earth and Skaia is. I dont know if its just me but I feel like Jade is a central waystation for the story with how much interconnectedness she has to the past, present, future, game, ect. For the panels themselves, I like that they arent a 1:1 parallel. There are similarities but the differences are what are interesting. The frog ruins to Johns tower. The frogs to the people of prospit. Just the overall prominence and importance placed on these illegal frogs.

Dave takes his own crack at alchemizing things, some pretty useful and others very questionable. We also get our first instances of zero and negative grist costs, unsurprisingly SBAHJ related because none of that looks in anyway helpful. Almost potentially having debuff properties. And those questionable things? So out there even the enemies are second guessing if they wanna mess with Dave.

But of course the most important bit has to Roses journals. The first, simply MEOW, contains pages of nothing but a string of code utilizing those four letters. The other a dense snippet of self made wizard fiction. In my understanding four wizards are investigating the scene of a massacre that has all the marks of being caused by their twelve disciples. A shocking as can be to wizend wizards betrayal that will lead to war. The only notable thing that jumps out is the continuation of four and twelve when it comes to character groups. Other than that, its a great exploration into more of Roses writing style in a prose piece. Lots of long sentences with very specific, almost pretentious, choices of words with small bits of sarcastic narration for humor. I will say, while a pain to read, I wont hate on Rose for picking the words she does for the story. I myself sometimes have to go look up synonyms for words because whatever Im trying to explain has a very specific feeling that wont make sense without that word. And I know the word, its just not common to say or else Id remember it faster.

Dave decides hes gonna analyze it later and sticks his Beta copies in as a bookmark.

Finally a use for that pointless juice stained beta that will never serve any purpose, past or future.

I dont know if Id tempt Apollo like that Dave, you do have a track record for dramatic irony. And now Im curious of this journals journey for only the Betas to be in the giant lily time capsule. Where does the wizard fiction end up? Dave checks in on Rose and finds her destroying the MEOW journal because Gods in the Furthest Ring told her to... yeah Im not touching that with a 10 foot pole because what? First WQ now mysterious Gods, Rose, sweetie, Im very concerned with how easily you just accept this information. Not only that Im very unsure about the whole burning the journal thing. While yes youve got a copy in the subconcious, why are these gods so interested in what happens to the journal? In any case, seriously uncool move of Dave to heap the whole blame of how he learned about the wizard fiction on John. Like I get that Rose doesnt buy it and doesnt really care, but theres better ways to lie about it. Does bro code mean nothing to you Dave?

Alchemizing

Back to Rose and Dave getting their creative on. Its interesting seeing how each kid goes about using the alchemizer. You can argue that John was only experimenting the way he did to show us how the machine works. Thats valid but honestly its an extension of how hes played this game so far. John is very much someone who doesnt really have his own goals. He does have some but aside from getting the game and finding Dad, hes not very self motivated. The way he alchemizes of the three seems to me to be the most random, trying something and only delving further if it piques his interest enough. John is very straight forward and most of his stuff is a very one and done this plus that formula.

Daves combos seem random but hes way more open to exploring different ones. Of the three kids hes created the most, by my count 19 items while John and Rose are 16 and 10 respectively, and a majority of the time hes using one item at least twice with something else. Dave wants to see the differences that come from a limited set of items. Many times hes using an item in different combos to see what the properites affect, like the Hella Jeff drawing. It doesnt lend to anything useful but he still uses it three different times instead of discounting it. He also builds upon the things he creates using new items much more than the other two.

Rose, like John, doesnt do much experimenting, using most items once. The difference between them is Rose seems to be more about efficiency. Theres not alot of creative pursuits. Rose seems to struggle the most creatively when it comes to new things. This is also shown when she was building Johns home up to the gate. Granted she was working with limited resources at the time, but its still a very bare bones path for John to get from A to B. Its only once she has time to fully look back at her work after John is through that she reworks it. Rose has goals and once she reaches them either thats the end and theres no more reason to continue or the goal post is moved and she needs better foundation for the new ones.

I feel like Jade will be the most creative in her combinations but might not dwell on experimentation. She seems like someone who already would have ideas on what two items would make and do so to prove them right. I can see her as not experimenting as much as Dave with different combos of a single item but more being someone who builds upon the new things she creates.

If there was a skill map of combos, I would see it like this. John has started the most and gone no further. Rose has started the least and seen no reason to go further. Dave has picked a few to explore entirely and connectes them to others. Jade would pick one and follow it as far she could before going back and starting another. For now Jades is speculation and Im excited to see what she makes.

[omophagic-beast]

i dont think im gonna finish the murderbot tv series and i talked a lil abt it on bluesky but i need to put these thoughts somewhere other than my head sooooOooo

i think the show does a lot of stuff good. the casting is good, the show looks good, the bits from sanctuary moon are good. theres some stuff that is... understandable? given the format. the transition of a lot of murderbots world explanations given to other people, the two missing characters (budget reasons i guess?), the extremely fast pacing

theres two things i really dont like that are why im not gonna keep watching past the first two eps

1- that the very first scene is murderbot in the mining colony. my real problem with this is that it shows murderbot choosing to name itself that before the [spoilers] murders on the mining colony happen. and well. thats not how that worked? murderbot named itself murderbot cause it hates itself for [presumably] killing all those people. now its named itself murderbot because . ? why? just cause? to make itself seem scarier to us, the audience? i hate it

2- why are the preservation crew like That. why do they do a singing circle while in the corporation office. why is one of them Sad :( about the big animal that tried to kill them. i say this as a guy who lives 3 miles from burning man. i know and love many hippies, and they have written the preservation crew to be *cringe inducing hippies* and this!! this plus the fact that the crew does not trust murderbot, and do stupid things without it, that they act almost entirely the same as other humans in the show (sure, they arent cruel to it. but they dont!! listen to it!!) breaks the whole thing apart for me

its a decentralization of capitalism as one of the main antagonistic forces in the story. this is not a show about the preservation crew being socialists and interacting with the big bad corporation rim, which i suppose makes sense given its on apple tv.

other small thing that i hate: that one bit where gurathin corrected arada on murderbots pronouns but in a hateful fucking "its an object so we use it/its" way. made my stomach curdle. where is the "i do see it as a person" gurathin that i love. arugh.

theres such a feeling of the show being made by someone who sees the casual polyamory and neopronoun usage as silly and something to be made fun of. see: book murderbot saying mensah has a specific number of kids, shared between the spouses, and show murderbot saying she has "like a thousand kids" sarcastically.

also theyre really fucking dragging out the idea that murderbot hates humans, theres barely any sense that it doesnt, actually. this is partially understandable, you cant have a constant running commentary of murderbots thoughts, but the fact that the majority of the time that we do get them its murderbot just saying how much it hates humans...... can we leave it please.... like again i guarantee this is all to try and push the idea that it is a big scary murderbot actually but like hey. the point is that it is not that and that it sucks that people see it that way

anyways it sucks. i want to like the show, i think theres a lot of good and fun stuff in there (the actors are truly so good and fun mwah) but i cant doooo it i cant i got so angry abt it i couldnt sleep the other night its simply not good for me. bleh.

[itsmelloww]

Theory/HC on GuraGura being Shin's dog 🦴 [Long]

(every meta/a post i make is always long as shit so just fyi)

Its a theory with a bit of HC mixed in so dont take it too seriously ig but i believe that GuraGura didnt just randomly decide to become Shin's dog specifically, but rather it could be because GuraGura had a similar past to Shin.

--- Quick Index tab to all sections below: 🗂⬇️

Name

Past Life / Hobbies

(2.5) Design

GuraGura's characterisation in the series

The Theory

Theory ++ / Devils , Gathering Intel and En

---------------------

--------------------

1. Name

For starter's, before GG became a Devil, his name as a sorcerer was actually 'Shin'. Which imo is definitely Hayashida connecting the two.

GuraGura(sorc): 震 (Shin), Quake Shin: 心 (Shin) , Heart

[Side mini rant on this: This is something that I annoyingly missed for the longest time cause I read physical and VIZ likes to do a literal translation of the names to english , so i just knew GG's sorcerer name as 'Quake' for the longest time --- which literally pisses me off so much cause like WHY would I be referring to characters via the english translation of their names? Cause also if thats what were doing why do it selectively and why not also refer to Chidaruma as 'Covered in Blood' or Chota as 'Fat Bird' ?? But you see how dumb this is right, so wtf Viz??? pmo]

I find this such a cool detail - When i read the scans some months ago for the first time and saw GG's name as 'Shin' , my eyes literally goggled

--------------------

2. Past Life / Hobbies

Secondly, in the bonus curse of volume 21, GuraGura has his own 'Hobby' Channel which is literally him building stuff.

He's building stuff.

I mean cmon!!!

Like please, surely you all remember that Shin basically grew up with his father as a CARPENTER ! He built stuff !

At some point in the series Asu explained how Devils are generally beings of passion, and we've also seen how obsessively and intensely Nikaido was cooking/making gyoza as she was transitioning into a Devil. In her full devil design Hayashida showed in an au chapter, she also had a mini gyoza between her horns which supports my understanding that generally, Devils must retain some of the hobbies/passions they had as sorcerers into Devilhood.

This would then help contextualise GuraGura - I believe for him to be having a whole channel to himself based around building stuff and furniture for a hobby would support the theory that as a sorcerer, he must have been a sort of carpenter or builder.

--------------------

2.5 Design

This is a bit of a reach tbh im adding to just build on the theory, but I'd just like to make a point on GG's devil design- it kiiiinda resembles a carpenter's fit; especially with his vest with the pockets that look to me like a carpenter's vest, and even his skirt kinda gives me traditional japanese carpenter attire.

But like i said this is kind of a reach - its a cool design at the end of the day so doesnt have to mean that much.

--------------------

GuraGura's characterisation in the series:

I think also what drives this home for me is also when I look at it in relation to how GG is portrayed in the series - he is a very aloof, even more so than you standard Devil.

He spends years pretending to be a dog and genuinely lives as one, he can be very thoughtless and random, he'd be so in his head he wouldnt notice Chidaruma calling to him, and even when in Devil form he'd act like a dog, such as barking, accepting pets and whatnot. His profile also in the all stars showed that he literally had no thoughts (iconic btw/ also cant find the page for the life of me to link but its out there).

So hes a very aloof, happy go lucky character (def not stupid tho, which I thought it was so interesting when I saw how he was driving lots of the conversation with Kaiman when he was reverted to a sorcerer, but thats a completely diff point).

--------------------

The Theory:

In my eyes its couple strong points that come together -

They have the same names

Possibly the same past around building/carpentry

Just the name on its own would make me think is Hayashida just being cute, but when you add the hobby channel in conjuction with his characterisation in the show to me it just felt like Hayashida was trying to really hint at something more

Shin is generally a very interesting person, hes just gravitating really (no pun intended) ; hes also very strong, has grit, and he's also one of En's cleaners -- Add to all that that he has the same name as him and (potentially) the same past, and I can imagine why GuraGura would potentially see himself kinda and decide to play around with him.

GuraGura is also OLD ok, he's 358 years old -- imagine how endearing it'd be to find a little snot that reminds you of your old life (thats just me being sappy tho)

--------------------

Theory ++ / Devils , Intel Gathering and En

Cute stuff aside btw, i'd also like to add that from Chidaruma's/Devils' perspective, how convenient is to have a Devil literally be with one of EN'S cleaners day in and out?

Like what a brilliant way to get intel on En and whatever he's up to at all times.

And if anyone thinks wtf do Devils care for all that, they absolutely do care. En's mentioned before while talking with Chidaruma how Chidaruma has informants and has also implied that its through informant networks that the Devils know everything that's going at all times. Think it was Haru that also mentioned that they'd also been spying on the cross eyes and Kai for the longest time.

Devils and in particular Chidaruma 100% just keep tabs on everyone and everything that's going on in the Magic World. They rule the realm anyways so It's part of having power at the end of the day. And who else would you be more interested in than En himself? (ok maybe whatever Kai was on as well but u get my point) Chidaruma and En are buddies, but En is 100% ass kissing and im sure theres so much that he doesn't let Chidaruma in on. Chidaruma also 100% is wary and very observant of En.

I do really believe (or like to at least) that GG just chose to be Shin's dog for the fuck of it but i would be in no way surprised if it was also partially to get intel.

Noi and Shin are in on everything En is on anyways since they kill for him, and they're always talking about him so can imagine the stuff GG's found out by just chilling and listening.

And all that info would go back to Chidaruma/Devils in the end.

---------------------

So yeah, there's that.

Bit long (as per usual) but i like to get everything off my chest - been thinking about these for ages but i never got around to making the post. At the end of the day its all up to interpretation, but this is what i think.

[ratbutcubed]

i feel like im at a really weird stage in my transition, and i really dont know what to do other than post about it. might get a bit ranty

I understand, feel, and just *know* at this point that im not a guy. all of the kinship or connection i had to that, which was kinda chaining me from doing anything about making my life happier, is like washed from the system. Biology or gender at birth or even my dysphoria stuff doesnt really hold any sway anymore and i can understand that. I know on the same note that i am not really in line with being nonbinary/anywhere on that specturm, because it doesnt feel right to me to think of myself in a non-feminine gendered way.

but the impasse im at is that i dont feel like a girl or woman or sapphic or she or any of the other things im yearning to assign myself and try to embody. like i dont know why but i just cant get over this feeling that i havent "earned" womanhood (unrealistic and dumb i know) and that im in this grey area where even if i started e or went gungho on the name or did this that or the next thing, my brain wouldnt let me enjoy or exsist within that. so much of my period of transition has just felt like waiting for something to change, while simultaneously avoiding any changes i could make at the same time.

its just melancholoy and a little unfun to be at this place, and not really be able to perfectly plan out when these feelings of confidence in my self as what i want to be will kick in.

[shadeslayer]

oc talk abt one of my older story ideas

most of my ocs are characters/verses ive had since like middle school and have been vaguely developing ever since. in the last years of doing stuff w the five/iseldre characters ive been focused a lot more on making them abt like. diversity of experiences all coming together. but also the original idea of it wasnt just abt that it was more abt like. every 100 years five babies born r chosen by the gods to be their representatives on earth and theyre supposed to vaguely all get together and kind of make decisions that will effect everyone in the world. and its a lot about the expectations people have for the next gen of chosen and that these kids grow up under that expectation and then have to become adults under this legend they physically represent

the original main character, riley, i had for it (though i want it to be ensemble cast of the five, really, but hes always gonna be the og) was a trans man who had to hide his identity both as the next chosen one and his gender because there was a belief that every generation of chosen would 'switch' genders and so this rounds space god chosen should be a girl But hes Transgender. Imagine. (lots of thinly veiled projection onto him and 'research for a story' abt him that was just me looking up how to transition) but now i Understand Things More im trashing parts of that/rewriting it

hes nonbinary, but hes still ~stealth as a trans man. hes still hiding his identity. now i think on it i think itll be that its Believed that the chosen 'switch genders every generation' but thats like. a pattern that doesnt exist that people are reading into things by selectively looking at recorded history that supports it and quietly ignoring the parts that dont seem to add up

but either way, it expanded into like with each of the five i wanted to explore a different tension/theme/problem. riley was going to be hiding his identity, laurie would be wrestling with religious beliefs/colonization (she grew up basically in a christian mission church raised by a pastor but also idk how that fits into the world at all lol i just wanted a character that wld hate priests.), ram would be dealing with being aromantic and low affect + low empathy so she just gets a lot of shit. and she can be kind of a dick but also she would "be cis" and then halfway to 2/3s of the way through realize shes transfem and start transitioning. chako is about leaving a home that they love and having to move forward despite never wanting to leave. and wind is like. idek theyre just around to be around. theyre the pinkie pie of this group atm

and i got so sucked into thinking about all those individual storylines and shit i forgot what i really wanted to do overall with this and it was like. i think i didnt know it fully but im reaching for something leaning into that loz-verse flavor of being forced by seemingly random chance at birth to be part of a great repeat of history that everyone says is Very Very Important but also it doesnt seem fair that its been put on You for no fucking reason + why does this need to happen at all

i was toying for a while of "shouldnt they have powers or something" but and this reminds me why they dont. because theyre not even that special. theyre chosen by specific symbol birthmarks in specific bodily locations, so they are explicitly "specially chosen" but like. theyre not. its random & they have no powers they have nothing but a birthmark that means theyre Worldly Important. there is no upside for them out of this, and it is somewhat easily faked via tattoos and other things so its a big point of what this world works on is a worldwide program to track births for this

and it also makes rileys shit a big problem in that his parents never reported him when he was born and had isolated him completely from the rest of the world. and the world is like wheres the space gods chosen this is sooo weird and every few years a faker turns up but gets disproven eventually. and his deal is kind of about familial abuse especially in a specific style of raising children in very isolated environments by homeschooling, controlling contact w others, and living rurally, (and denying his transition) and its about him escaping that finally and then coming into society and struggling to cope while also struggling w needing to compulsively hide himself from others for multiple reasons

[cheeseandbretboy]

since turns out informed consent is practiced in australia i dont really need a gd diagnosis and i hoped if i got one my mother would believe me but its been so long and ive distanced myself from her because i thought she wouldn't even speak to me, she said she will probably still stay in contact but wont accept me and will use the wrong name and pronouns forever and i dont think i can stay around her a lot if thats the case the point of therapy was that she would understand me but if its not gonna go anywhere whats the point?? ik what i want ive been thinking about this my entire life and sigh she expects me to be 100% fine after YEARS of being ignored, she knew i was having a hard time and that i was cutting myself and starving and wanting to kms but its only now when my sister brings it up she thinks its best to do it, and like, wow! it is actually too late. i got myself through all that alone and now that im stable she wants to 'explore other options'. i tried explaining conversion therapy does not work but she doesn't care. idk what to do chat! sister said to wait it out and she will probably get better but i doubt it. i dont know if i can mentally take it if she cant just respect me, i get not being supportive but just using the right prns cant be that difficult, at least TRYING?! she said i was selfish and overreacting when i said it would be difficult for me to stay in touch regularly if that was the case ughggh and i thought she was a woke liberal but even she wont use other prns or terms to refer to me (ok that i get, maybe she will when im older) but she blatantly said it's a phase for me, that being queer is a phase nowadays and i just couldnt really believe she said that. i told her why the fuck would i want to be trans for a trend if i will literally not be able to come to the country where all my family is and where im from because i'll either be killed or arrested, and she said 'exactly, you said it doesnt matter what others think so why would you medically transition' and ok she doesn't understand thats ok, i tried explaining i have dysphoria but she cut me off saying im too negative and she cant talk to me about this. 'i dont gaf about your identity, i dont want to talk about this. just shut up and keep it to urself' i am so confuse guys bc she asked that we become closer and i tell her my issues.. i do not think she actually cares for me as a sister she never did, she bullied me endlessly and blamed it on her depression (which hey fair, but thats an explanation not an excuse and i have yet to recieve an apology) mother did nothing about that just let it happen like the abuse from my dad and i was happy to give her another chance i really looked up to her but she doesnt give a fuck about me she only likes me when its easy when im not selfish and egotistical (by the way guys she called me a hypochondriac isnt that crazy??) and like sigh i kind of hoped she would support but she does not.. 'you see mother is from a different generation, but im gen z i understand you' yea and u say queerness is a trend what the fleck... i get its difficult for ur sibling to be trans its really fucking annoying and heartbreaking but oh my god! and somehow she got it in her head that i tried convincinb mother to medically transition.. I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HER ABT TRANS STUFF FOR 3 YEARS THE FLIP I HAVE NOT.. i was going to wait it out with her and see if she adjusts bc shes my sister yk! but after 'why cant you just not transition' that just shows she is not willing to hear me out and see it from my perspective.. tbh this is just cis ppl, its difficult to understand smth that u dont have, that u take for granted. sighghgghgh sm happened but im back to distancing i was just confused but everything is still bad why did i let myself get sort of hopeful she said awful things that ill never forget its her greatest fear

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

I genuinely had not even considered the idea that that person might think forcemasc is a kink for cis men. I truly thought they were just intentionally shitting on trans men with that comment. Like, it feels so plainly obvious to me that if forcefem is a kink for amab people that forcemasc would be a kink for afab people??? Duh???

Yeah literally. Im giving them the benefit of the doubt for being stupid. I mean some cis people do have forcefem and forcemasc kinks but they don't call them that they call it like... Bimbofication or gym kinks or whatever the fuck and they don't blog about them on Tumblr.

But like the way she was talking about it was very much giving only cis men and trans women even exist to be horny about things. The reason I say that is because she literally said "being masculine is default" which literally just isn't true! I am a feminine man, I've been punished for my femininity, but I've been punished for my male traits my entire life and I have been rewarded for being feminine at times and didn't start getting punished for it until I declared myself male. The idea that there's nobody for whom femininity is simultaneously oppressive and socially reinforced in the same way that masculinity is for trans women is just straight up erasing trans men from the equation and its so tiring to encounter this type of girl because I want to get along with and be in community with other trans people but you're literally treating me how cis people treat me and you should know better.

Also Forcemasc isn't just forcefem but opposite, like it kind of is, but it's not there to be forcefem's equal and opposite. I have both a forcefem and a Forcemasc kink and they feel different when I'm engaging in them because I am engaging in them from a trans man's perspective. For example, when I'm into forcefem I'm getting forced to inhabit the role I transitioned out of for horny reasons, it's a humiliation thing. where as when I'm doing forcemasc I'm a bit more versatile I can be the horny t boy shooting up your daughters with testosterone, it's fun to be the one making you masc, but when I'm the masc-ee there's not no humiliation there, but it's more about forcing out a side of yourself thats really there but which society doesnt want you to express. For a trans woman that would be completely flipped. So I get why they would be uncomfortable with the concept, t boy bimbofication is niche and most trans guys are uncomfortable with it. Frankly I'm uncomfortable with it outside of pure fantasy. On that basis I understand the initial ick but I don't get why you wouldn't realize "oh it's trans men doing it, well I suppose it's fun that they have their own little force gender thingy, solidarity it has nothing to do with me" instead of getting all up in arms about it.

[crowdedstrangers]

theres a specific butchy look that i am always going to strive for and i think part of the reason behind why is that its a look that i didnt think was possible for me to achieve as a woman... and its mostly like that old roachification comic from 2020 or 2021 twitter i cant remember.. i think the artist was weird but idgaf im just talking about the greasy long haired gamer boy look. because thats exactly what my transition goal was for almost all of my transition and it was a look that i could only ever associate with maleness.. and like i understand why i thought that way at the time. because even though i could acknowledge female gender nonconformity as being possible i had a specific image in my head as to what that meant. like there is a picture of a butch woman in my mind and even though she isn't adhering to the rules of femininity she's still doing these things in a woman way. the nonconformity and the rebellion of it all is part of her image.. which just reinforces her womanly essence and then it turns back into gender conformity. and the discord mod archetype definitely doesnt align with that because.. well i cant put into words as to why it doesnt right now but it really doesnt. for me at least. and this isnt the only reason that im attracted to that look but im starting to realize that it definitely is a big component in my fondness of it all

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

real! I used to love her (ts) but she feels very different than she used to. I’ve listened to phoebe bridgers a bit, she was good just not the type of music I usually listen to. Boy genius and Lucy Dacus are both amazing tho. They for sure deserved to win Aoty, or sia

sorry for how long this got??? i just started writing and oh whoops....

anyway- THATS what ive been saying about her unfortunately. its like after folklore/evermore things genuinely changed because of all the fame and popularity. people werent criticizing her anymore and instead overly praising her.

which isnt bad! i do think she deserves praise over folklore. the marketing of it being a suprise album was very clever too. but i think before those folklore there was a sense of criticism that people had with her music that kept her wanting to innovate it.

i have a strong believe that social media's algorithms are failing artists to innovate pop music in the same way than 00's pop music did just because of how much less artists have to lose now with their brandings. i once again bring up artpop by lady gaga and how much she lost for her idea???? and now??? gaga was really fucking killing it. her music had such creativity and passion put into it that you can SEE her drive in that. (also to know i didnt understand artpop as an album until MUCH later in my life)

but taylors lack of needing to innovate her sound due to her popularity and lack of criticism really has just shown how much her music has come to decline in quality. if you see the transition between fearless and speak now. those two albums. she TOOK the criticism that she "couldnt write her own songs" and literally flipped that narrative to write that entire album herself. and to me? arguably speak now is MY favorite taylor album.

and the transition between speak now to red to 1989 to reputation. theres SO much that happened in that sense of time. theres different sounds that make those albums what they are. 1989 was such a creative endeavor for her because it was her first step into pop music. i think was also her first time working with jack? now people say her decline on music is his fault as a producer but i dont believe his role had gotten bad until midnights. (i saw people discussing clairo's sling album because he produced it. but THEYRE WRONG. SLING IS GOOD AND HIS ERA OF BAD PRODUCING HAPPENED IN 2023(?) i forget when midnights came out ugh thats how many taylor albums we have gotten ffs)

but the breakaway and challenge 1989 gave really set up for reputation. she disappeared because of all the hate. and i think while I DONT SUPPORT that type of treatment because no one should go through that type of mental low... that really set her into a space to create more fluidly and with more passion?

lover- people will say was a flop.. and ill admit too... cruel summer?? shouldve never ever became a single. it was better as a hidden gem. but lover was good for the majority of songs!! there's still passion in it.

it was just that after folklore/evermore it felt very.... underwhelming and not like her at all. the quality slipped so so off the page. it just feels very recycled and unnecessary. especially like i said the fandom doesnt help with overconsumtion and she really truly should use her platform for more. the economy being in shambles and yet she wants to charge $700 for a concert ticket. (nothing bad if like someone WANTS to go but its genuinely ridiculous because inflation shouldnt BE like that).

not to even cover merch??? why is it so high?? shouldnt you want it to be accessible to your fans since you have so many?? vinyl prices are ridiculous but WHY is a hoodie almost $100. im sorry but like why 😭. cant we just charge $60 again?????

anyway all that to say that after the evermore era her music genuinely slipped off. im just thankful that the speak now rerecord didnt get BOTCHED as high hell. i have opinions about the vault tracks because the entire reason was to include tracks from that era and yet its like your smearing shit onto a perfectly wonderful painting and saying "look yall!! i added to this!!" wrong. wrong wrong wrong. idk. 1989's vault tracks just made me mad. it felt so unlike the vibe of what 1989 was???? and slut was NOT written at the time of 1989. come on.

timeless though off of the rerecord for speak now.... i will defend that one with my honor. i genuinely am glad speak now's vault tracks didnt get horrible treatment. i like that she kept the solo writing with the entire album. adding on fob and hayley's collabs as a callback because i really remember seeing videos of her singing sugar were going down and thats what you get during the speak now tour. it just felt like a full circle moment for that. fob's collab couldve been better but im glad it wasnt like... bad.

stilllll think matty's collab couldve been iconic on slut. even if i hate 1989's vault tracks as a whole... the 1975 does have good music. I KNOW. controversial yeah. anyway. hes got talent tho.

i found phoebe during 2020 when i was listening to a bunchhh of different artists (the 1975 too yeah). but punisher found me and i used to not be able to sleep due to anxiety/insomnia back then and i would listen to that album for months to just SLEEP.

i have a closeee bond with it. its like my favorite if not a close second of my favorite album of all time. its just really interesting?? also really valid that its not your type of music either. i just hold her stuff close. also did a english assignment on smoke signals' lyrics. i remember that. i got to say "fuck the cops" in the assignment and felt very proud of myself LMAO.

in terms of lucy- i for some reason never have gotten around to listening to her stuff?? even though i know i need to and should?? i just always somehow forget. many people have told me to but oh man i forget.

glad we can agree that they deserved album of the year btw.

sorry for the LENGTHY reply but yeah!! i might be forgetting to talk about something but askinf about my special interests (music) will always give you a lengthy answer.

[rei-does-stuff]

MAKE YOUR MARK CHAPTER 6 LIVE BLOG BABYYYYYYYY

EPISODE 1!!!!!!

-FIRSTLY I’ve been so fucking excited for this that I dreamt about it THATS RIGHT I DREAMT ABT IT

-This is gonna be the last mym chapter….:(((((

-OKOK LETS STARTT

-NO MORE SPARKY TRANSFORMING THE NETFLIX LOGO :((((

-MANESTREAM!!!

-SIBLING BONDING I LOVE THEM

-“Hold onto your cutie marks!” IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE SUNNY

-AAAA THE INTRO ITS THE LAST TIME WELL HERE THE INTRO!!!

-PIPPP YA GOTTA STOPPP

-I love you izzyyyyy

-HOW THE HELL DID SHE BLOW THOSE SO FAST, strong fuckin lungs

-BLAIZE!!!!

-All the dragons have the same model yes, but they all still look unique and pretty good IN MOTION

-OH SUNNY IS TERRIFIED

-Aww trying to put on her tough voice this is why ur my favorite sunny!!!

-AWW IZZYYYY

-I LOVE LUXXE

-Leaf is cuteee

-Tumble and him are def gay

-FOUNTAIN IS A LITTLE CREATURE….Well big creature but yk

-PIPPS FACEEE

-OH SO THEY HAVE THE SAME SHIT AS SPARKY

-OPALINEEEEE

-OOO SONG

-HER VOICE IM IN LOVE

-God that was sooo goodddd

-Love sunny rushing in to defend alicorns

-Also her putting her hoof around zipp GAYYYY

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-Hitch and your dad jokes I love youu

-Sunny trying to make friends with Blaize, IS THAT A PERSONALITY I SEE?

-Also her and Blaize? Rlly gay

-Love this green dragon (already forgot his name im a little dumb)

-SPIKEEE

-OH HIS VOICE WILL TAKE A WHILE TO GET USED TO BUT ITS NOT BAD, he finally has the deep voice he’s always wanted, good on you for the transition, plus he is total nonbinary goals

-AWW SAME HUMOR!!

-Also Sunny fangirling a bit

-AWW HE DOESNT REMEMBER :(

-TWILIGHT MENTION

-AW HIS LIL ‘Twi?’ OUGHHH

-okok so we were all pretty right on the real story!

-“You lost magic??” LMAO EVEN SPIKE IS LIKE ‘rlly???? After everything you rlly lost magic yall are wild mannn”

-When sunny gets excited her alicorn-ness starts to show, I’m not saying its a stim but it’s totally a stim

-AWW SUNNY REMINDS HIM OF TWILIGHT AAAA

-Love his speech but I wish they referenced how he thought the same but realized his true family were with other ponies

-GAYYY i need to see ship art of sunny and Blaize NOW

-ALSO WHY ARE YOU ON HER BACK SUNNY YOU CAN FLY, MORE REASON WHY SHES GAY

-YOU TWO PIPP AND ZIPP YOU CAN FLY!!!

-OUFHHHH THAT WAS SOOO GOOD!!!!

OKOK NEXT EP

EP 2

-TWO PARTER BABYY

-NO NOT THE TOGETHERNESS TREE

-The townsponies still freak just the same as g4, some things never change

-SPROUT

-‘And Pipp’s hair is still fabulous!’ I LOVE YOU ROCKY

-YEA MISTY WOULD KNOW

-LOVE THIS SPEECH UGHHH

-“That is…An option!” SUNNY DONT BE MEAN

-AWWW IM GONNA CRY

-PRINCESS SUNNY AAA

-FILLY MISTY

-‘SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO CHECK HER MESSAGES’ HAHAH

-NOOOO NOT THE DRAGONS

-SPARKY YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN

-OHH SHE KNEW SHE FUCKING KNEW MISTY BETRAYED HER

-GET HER ASS ANIMAL FRIENDS

-OOO YAY THE DRAGONS ARE BACK

-OOP NEVERMIND

-YES HITCH GET HER ASS

-OUGH SUNNY UNDERSTANDING HOW AFRAID MISTY MUST BE TO SEE HER ABUSER AGAIN AAAAA

-AAAAAA THAT WAS SOO GOOD

NEXT EP NEXT EP

EP 3!!!

-GRAB HITCHS CUTIE MARK MISTYY

-YESSS GO MISTY

-GET HER ASS

-GO AFTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND SUNNY

-OO PIPP YOU SMART

-WELL IT WORKED FOR A SEC

-UGHH I LOVE THIS INTERACTION BETWEEN MISTY AND OPALINE

-HEY YOU GOT TO DO YOUR PLAN IZZY

-SHE IS SO SMARTTT

-DAMN IT NOO

-‘We could just call’ I LOVE THEMMM

-THE NECKLACE

-NOT OPALINE PLAYING THE “you and I were not so different” CARD

-BUT ALSO SUNNY YA CANT REDEEM HER SORRY

-SPARKY YOU GOTTA BRING IT ALL BACK HOME

-SONGG

-DONT CRY REI AAAA

-NECKLACE TIME RAINBOW POWERR

-THEYRE RLLY PULLING OUT EVERY STOP

-ELEMENT OF HARMONY???

-HA GET YOUR CUTIE MARK WIPED

-AWWW

-CRYSTAL PONY TIMEEEE??

-AWWW THAT WAS AMAZING

LAST EP LAST EP

-40 MINS AND NEW NETFLIX PRESENTS LOGO

-THE MUSIC????

-THEYRE SO PRETTY

-ZIPP BEING WORRIED ABT HER GIRLFRIEND

-THEY DID ALL THE STOPS WITH THE VISUALS ITS SO PRETTY

-CRYSTAL TOWN CRYSTAL TOWN

-New threats maybe?

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-CRYSTAL PONIES

-SONG

-TRANCE???

-Auroricorns! New name for Crystal ponies?

-STARSHINE TIME

-AWW THEYRE ALL DOING CUTE EYES AT HITCH

-This is def giving me comfort special vibes!!!!

-Trip-Skating!

-STIMMING SO MUCH RN

-THEY DONT KNOW ABT EQUESTRIA

-Never allowed to leave? Ooooo

-SNOW PONIES

-GIRLFRIENDS AGREE WITH EACH OTHER

-If this keeps going this well this might be my fave ep

-WTFFF

-This is some freaky shit

-WTF ARE THISE????

-GRIFFINS??

-ANGEL BUNNY 2.0

-HER VOICEE

-So she’s like Opaline, but probably less fun? Interesting….

-Messed up tbh

-Maybe Allura will get a redemption arc?

-SUNIZZY CRUMBS

-SONG

-WOW she is stupid I love it

-DAMN THIS IS SOME OUR TOWN SHIT

-SNOWBALL FIGHTT

-YEA MISTY

-SONG

-So she might be back!

-VIOLET FROST

-AWWWW

-NEW FRIEND

-LETS GO COMET

-THEY EACH GETTING THEIR OWN FORM OF ELEMENTS OF HARMONY

-WHO IS THAT VOICE???

-BROTHER???

-THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING

-MANE 7 MAYBE??

-NEW GUY TOO

AAAAA I LOVED THAT, even tho there’s no more mym I’m sure tyt will be just as good once the episodes get longer!!

[teddy-the-queer-wizard]

i am so upset i feel shakey and light

and nothing is actually wrong

im just still upset with my aunt

from yesterday and the day before

and its like. something really small stupid and petty

but it the day before yesterday

she said she doesnt believe men belong in womans sports

meaning whatever half decent or potentially accepting things she might say about trans people doesn't really mean shit

because she still sees trans woman as men

which. im not getting into the sport shit and like trying to figure out whats fair or not for a competition or how hormone therapy litterally changes somethings or how varied hormone levels are in afab women

im just stuck on the fact that she was like "i dont think children should be making permanent choices but when someones fully grown and gone over it they can do whatever they want"

because like yeah i get what happened to x child who was being given hormone therapy without anyone (including their own) knowledge of it was fucked up, and i get yeah kids do make choices that change and while there are methods of doing things that work around that i can understand why she would be hesitant to really accept that a kid can know anything about anything given her worldveiw.

but then to go "me dont belong in womans sports" tells me it does matter even if theyre adults. it does matter because *nothing* anyone does will make them "really" the gender theyre aiming for in her eyes.

and like. i already have fear and doubts that i am a man, or that im allowed to even try, or that i will every be enough even outside the gender issue.

and like. theres this movie. bicentennial man. where a robot is a person. and wants the same rights as human people. but hes a robot. so he goes through all sorts of modifications to be a human and at every stage hes basically told hes not human enough. and then he dies of old age like a human at 200 years old and theyre like yeah alright youre a human.

it was shitty that he had to go through all that to be considered a human because he was a person the whole time. but there was a fucking achievable goal where he was human enough.

and me who doesnt know if i want to go through all the steps can go "alright i havent done xyz so sure im not *really* a man" and be comfortated by the fact there are steps and i could do all of them and i would be "really" a man - cant even have that. because it will *never* be enough for some people.

which. fuck most people yanno? im doing whatever for me and what makes me happy.

but like. you want to have a relationship with your fam. and like. i dont know enough about anything to explain "hey im a guy because i want to be, always have and even though i definitely dont knee jerk hate everything girl now and will end up being a very "girly" man id still like to start transitioning in baby steps to be a man" in a way that theyd understand because i cant write a hundred page sourced and cited fucking essay about it. but idve liked to think that if i *could* muster up the courage to write that essay or go through all the steps or both itd be enough. thered be a point where it was undeniable

that hey. even if i dont get it, youve crossed the finish line. youve done all the things. maybe i dont agree with you turning into a guy but you did it so thats a thing.

but like. theres all sorts of research and explanations and shit available. my aunt is very smart has.mamy degrees. does her own fact checking when she wants to know something. so like. while she may not agree with it, shes had every opertunity to go "i may not agree with it, but i dont have to to know its a thing that exists or happens even if i dont agree with it."

but nah. trans people are just in expensive elaborate drag for the fucking clout i guess.

and like. i *know* my mom is only ever going to see me as her little girl. and like. shes my mom. shell be supportive but fuck up pronouns because in her head ill always be her little girl. probably even if i grow a full beard. i can accept that.

and my dad is basically like he doesnt care what people do. i dont think he believes in it but if you want to do that to yourself thats non of his buisness yanno? doesnt really effect him. like hes an asshole and im sure hell tell me im being stupid but like at the same time if i want to go through all that on my head so be it.

im sure theyll all have questions i cant answer or want proof that theyll shut down with other things that are also true.

but like. my aunt is going to be a real actual hateful problem.

and she wants to be petty about us promising to play a card game and both sides assuming a different time for it.

i cant even begin to deal with how upset that makes me.

[not-human-never-human]

theres a few reasons i believe what i do,

firstly , have you ever thought about doing a house chore like taking out the trash or washing the dishes then your mom or dad tells you to do that chore , then you suddenly dont want to do it because someone told you to?

taking options away is a similar phenomenon. when you tell girls , the deluded ones especially, that they cant become boys and that they are not allowed to try , that doesnt make them stop. that makes them want to do it more,

what works better almost always is reaffirming that they have the power to make that choice , but that they should choose wisely and to inform them of other options,

happened to me, actually . i have a female friend who wanted to transition. in the past she had gotten mad others outright told her not to or that shes ' not a boy'. i told her if she transitioned i would be right behind her and call her a new name and new pronouns or whatever , but i asked her if she had considered the other reasons for her transition . this opened up a dialogue where she asked ' what do you mean ? ' and i explained her past with depression, social anxiety and misogyny could be informing a desicion she doesnt really want . like how some depressed people try to kill themselves not because they want to die but just to get the pain to stop.

i told her that its possible she is genuinely trans but that its important to consider this too . i told her both could co exist and that she could be trans but still have these issues that are worth focusing on anyways,

bout a month later she admitted she thinks im right after giving it some thought,

the thing is , you dont win anything by acting you know whats best for others . gentle suggestions are good, but never claim you know why someone feels or thinks the way they do. which leads to my second point,

genuinely , you dont really understand the mentality of ' if someone truly wants to kill themselves let them do it ' or elsewise unless youre one of those people.

i have a very unconventional way of living life. how i feel what makes me happy and how i think are things people fail to understand , and im always told shit like ' get therapy ! ' or ' you shouldnt xyz its bad for you '

ive been to therapy and ive abstained to fit in with the normal people around me and it only made me miserable . i have aspd, i cannot change that , its who i am. as such i am built different than other people.

you would not tell a homosexual to ' just be straight ' or tell a depressed person to ' stop taking medication and just go to therapy and get better '

you do not tell scizophrenic people ( which i also am ) to get off those poisonness meds, because psych meds *are* dangerous. you do not tell people who drink on fridays to stop drinking alcohol forever because its bad for you. alochol *is* bad for you , but weve normalized drinking it. as long as its not too much , its ok!

what makes that any different from a person who cuts for fun every now and again because it gets their adrenaline up ?

put another way , if therapy is not helping a depressed person, we give them medication that can have serious health affects. if therapy is not helping a person with gender dysphoria, we give them medication that can have serious health effects. yet only one is seen as okay. psych meds are given to minors too btw , i was one of them.

why do we consider certain things good or bad? why is alcohol acceptable self harm but cutting is not? why are some medical conditions ok to treat with dangerous medicine but some arent? why are some psych disorders more important than others?

depression and anxiety can be caused by outside influence , and may still not go away with therapy. we use medicine. why is this okay??? should we ban it because the person wouldnt be depressed if it werent for the society they live in?

someone can drink soda all day and only eat fast food and this is not illegal despite how many health issues they will have.

so i ask again , why is it okay sometimes? who decides?

thats why i dont believe in taking away choices. i know first hand people think im wrong for how i live. im not about to make another persons choices for them because im not them,

' how do we know when its ill advised or misguided? '

the hard truth is well never know 100%. the same way we dont know if that medication for your depression will help or just make it worse.

what we have is informed risks , red tape, family and friends of the individual to help come to a conclusion.

not strangers or law makers who dont know shit.

thats just how i see it,

“I want to go on T, but what if it makes me ugly”

what if it does? Time marches on, it’s not gonna spare you. You’ll grow old, you’ll become ugly, you’ll die. And I won’t let you die in a body that isn’t yours just because the world beat you down and made you prioritize the surface level attractions of people who don’t respect you over your own happiness. Take the shot, become ‘ugly’, I’ll still fucking love you, man.

[r34listic]

So i have a friend (lets call her tessa). Tessa and i are classmates. She joined our school last year and was the new student. I told her she can sit next to me in all classes and like just join my friendgroup cuz she didnt knew anyone. We became very good friends and we had the same kinda of humour etc. Since she is part of our friendgroup now, she is friends with my friends. Obv. And she came very close to (lets say Kira). Kira and Tessa did a school exchange together. I wanted to join but my parents didnt allow me so yeah. After that one week of school exchange kira and tessa came back to our country and were hanging out together all the time. I understand that they are good together but you could at least say hello, right? Kira was very sweet and gave me a hug and told me everything about the exchange. Tessa was just there.

So Tessa and Kira met new people like (fake names) Lucy, Mia, Mike... many people. And they were talking about them all the time. Especially about the boys. And if you ask them "isnt that the guy from the exchange?" Tessa would be like "you dont even know him, so what do you wanna say anyway". Like i was just asking? Cmon now i dont feel like standing there and not knowing anything about the convo.

This kinda turn into a habit. So Kira and I are still close and i kinda fixed that thing between me and Tessa. New school year (now).

So the holidays were over and we came all back together. Tessa and Kira ignored me as usual. So i was hanging out with the other part of the group, jenny and livia. I had beef with livia cuz like, i just dont like her. But jenny is super sweet.

One day tessa suddenly came to me and told me about her dream she had in the holidays. It was about me "stealing" all of her friends. She said it jokingly but i could see how worried she was. You must know, Tessa has a lot of friends. Like, she knows everyone of the world and considers them as her friend. Idk. She also kinda blamed me for having not many friends. So i thought i might follow some people on instagram. There were many people who were suggested to me so i just followed them and they followed back. I dont have many friends. Maybe 2 or 3. Most of them are more just a company tbh. Like tessa, jenny, kira... just talking with them so school isnt boring.

Ofcourse tessa noticed that i followed some of her friends and she tried to embarrass me in a convo with other people. I didnt felt embarrassed and noone laughed so it didnt work. She was like "yeah why are you following kiras mum on insta" and i was like "girl what are you talking about stop being so delulu"... basically she often does that. Tryna embarrass me for my interests cuz she has no talents. Like girl? I have a tt account where i started to post stuff about how to have a glow up and jzst the girly stuff. It went pretty well and i gained 21.8 k followers. Thats a lot i think.

As i had my first 3k followers i told the friendgroup. They were very supportive and followed me and stuff. Tessa included. I was happy that everything went well. I thought.

So in the past days Tessa also tried to expose (not rlly the word) my account to others and was like "she has a tt account about glow up haha". Well girl then mention the 22k followers.

What i notice is that Tessa doesnt have any talents. I have some, i think. Im very good at drawing, learning new stuff, healthy clean girl living, writing stories, being creative, also very good at school, making transition edits... and tessa just had nothing. As much as i know. She plays tennis and volleyball. Thats it i guess.

Its pretty obv that she is just jealous and i knwo that from the beginning of this drama. I know she isnt worth my time so i wont let her suck my good energy.

[thebe4ulog]

okay so i accidentally ended up venting i was just gonna write like a normal response but um feel free to read or not! it's.. evidently a lot. just my thoughts. either way im very grateful to have girls like yourself to prove to me that im not the only one like this. i can only wish you and others love and support, it isnt easy. i wish id stop convincing myself it is, anyways!! before i end up reiterating what i will..

likewise! of course it will get better, but i just wish it didnt have to. everytime i hear about the difficulties of transitioning i just think well oh well i dont have to i can just turn back and be a man again, then i feel dysphoric at that word and think oh shit. i cant. there is no going back, ive figured it out now; the egg is cracked as it were. im still so terrified to say or do anything and i wish my internalised transphobia would just go away so i can be myself. its going to be so difficult and im not ready and i dont think i ever will be, but im only getting more bodily masculine by the day. everytime i invalidate myself my tache gets a little longer. i truly do just want to wake up and be a girl. i know i already am, but i wish i had the physical being to prove it. it doesnt help that the initial excitement is starting to wear off and now it just feels like reality. sure i get euphoric when i put on a dress and shit still, but it doesn't quite have that magic that it did when i wore my first. course ill experience it again one day, but it's an anxious road of doubt and awkward closet smashing to get there.

i know i dont really speak much but thank you for all the silly reblogs and posts, it helps just to feel seen. everytime i see another transgirl being pretty and herself it feels a little more real and possible. i just wish i was in the first place. that anxious little boy never looked much like a boy in the first place because he hated the notion of it. hed spend most of his time by himself if not with a girl. another girl. i understand now why he had a tendency to look sad in all the pictures i see. she was meant to be a girl. and here she is rambling at least 3 times a day about her doubts, her insecurities her worries, her girlhood. and im not getting any farther. that made my brain feel icky to say, and im not getting any mother. ive had to take multiple breaks for a bit of a brief cry but no tears have come out because they convinced her shes not meant to. she convinced herself her existing freedom means shes basically already there, sure you look and act like a twink so youre basically already a woman right? and no its just. i couldnt be any further off. thinking about the opportunities i had to wear the feminine clothes i always wanted to in the back of my mind but refused to because i didnt want to ashame any body and i was worried id just be seen as a boy in a dress. there was something so freeing about these kinds of stories but something so haunting. i couldnt peel my eyes away. there was *something* that always made my brain go back to it. put a little asterisk on it. i dont want to be james charles when you put makeup on my face in the middle of class, there was something so liberating but also just, off. the smiles on their faces made it feel like it was all just a joke. thats all my femininity is, a joke. my parents are yet to call my she/her despite saying i want to use they/she about half a year ago now. and im still too anxious to bring it up even though i know they accept me.

all of this and more and yet i still doubt myself. i cant be. i dont feel awake yet. yet i feel more conscious than ever now i know. i feel free. i cant help but be more conscious now. i never even considered how others really perceived me before but now it's clear. they think i'm a man. and that's the biggest insult i could be offered. im just me, im no man im not one of you. thats not where i belong. im sure of it. but what if it is. what if im just convincing myself of a lie? what if im ignoring some feelings im yet to uncover?

no cis boy would spend so long considering his gender, but what about the ones that did? i cant be the only one if i am. i have to be a girl at this point but what if im not. what if i come to an even worse place and realise this was the right one all along. thats not to mention all the hate im yet to experience, all the grossed out looks because my eyebrows are too stern and thick to be a girls. all the creepy men that will get just a bit too close. all the times im going to have to learn to protect myself because im a woman. its not fair. why am i thrown into the deep end of a life thats already so impossible? where everyone else has a head start?

i sound so dramatic but the tears are coming now finally. i never asked for this.

it helps to know im not the only one, and if youre going through the same thing or god forbid worse. i can only offer you a hug, partly because i need one too.

i didnt mean for this to be vent territory oops but it helped to get it out. i dont think a cis boy would say all of that. hugs and love and all that im just i just dont know what to do now

i think im starting to accept that im a girl and. im just heartbroken

i feel robbed, i couldve been so much happier and im grateful that ill get to be, but its all so much more complicated. its not fair

i shouldnt feel as calm as i do. it seems so up here but i feel like its just stress masquerading as quiet. i just dont have the words anymore

they should get to work on that button

[missmeinyourbones]

Girl dad touya :)

ANON IM SO GLAD U SAID THIS BECAUSE ITS ALL THAT ROTS IN MY TINY LIL BRAIN

i definitely see touya as being a certified girl dad—probably to one tiny lil baby girl who was an accident bc i know his damaged ass doesnt want (planned) kids. i hc him as being kinda a deadbeat dad for a lil bit, esp when he finds out ur pregnant. he just panics and ghosts you </3 he convinces himself that you and the baby are better off without him, that all he can bring to that little family of yours is pain and destruction. but he still watches over you. he sneaks into ur house when ur pregnant and after the baby is born. he looks at her lil bundled up body and if he could cry he would be sobbing because how did he have any part in making something so soft? so tiny and delicate and beautiful? that has to be all you, right?

ur probably fully aware that he sneaks in from time to time to admire ur sleeping baby over the years, but u let it continue since its harmless and u miss him. u confront him one night, talk a lil bit, maybe even give him an ultimatum—tell him its not too late to be a part of her life, but hes either fully in or fully out. and it takes a long time, like a looooooonnnngggg time for him to fully understand this and commit to ur lil family. lots of tears and back and forth. but once all of his own personal drama is packaged away into a tiny box in the back of his heart, he does.

he loves spending time w his lil baby girl, who has ur eyes but (undeniably) his natural red tuffs of hair. they play a "game" to see who can clean up her toys faster but touya goes so slow (bc hes lazy and bc he wants to see her smile when she wins). he cuts up her fruit and laughs when she scrunches up her face at the ones she doesnt like (bc shes a picky eater just like her daddy <3). he does her hair sometimes when ur busy and it comes out so bad and lopsided and you refuse to let her leave the house like that but shes so happy because he did it.

girl dad! touya is rough and lonely at first—hes petrified and takes years to understand what the actual fuck he is doing with such a beautiful lil family. of all of the horror he's seen and produced, why hes so deserving of something this sweet. its a really hard relationship and transition but he does it. and its the best thing thats ever happened to him <3 (after meeting you, ofc)