#and she doesn't deserve to be hidden‚ y'know? i want to be able to tell everyone i know and care about about us
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priafey · 4 months ago
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i had the day off so i spent like five hours doing budgeting. jesus fuck why is everything so expensive
#i'd need to make over double of what i'm making now to be able to live on my own#either a.) without a car + with a roommate somewhere near the city#which means i'd have to learn to use the public transport here. i've looked into it and none of the bus lines go beyond a very limited part#of the metro area so i'd need to find work somewhere within there.#or b.) with a car + renting on my own somewhere further out. the commute would be ass and the car maintenance even assier#thing is i really‚ really need to figure this out because i NEED to get out of this house for good#after i graduate i cannot land back in here.#there's this really cute girl i met at the club last month and we've been talking a lot and i'd love to be with her and i know she would to#but she's trans and my parents would legit throw me out of the house if they found out#and she doesn't deserve to be hidden‚ y'know? i want to be able to tell everyone i know and care about about us#but i just can't do that right now. and i hate the thought of missing out on relationships and stifling myself like this out of fear#i talk a big game sometimes but i'm TERRIFIED of the people and the things i've noticed i'm attracted and drawn to#because i know what my parents say about 'those' people. i've heard every mean-spirited‚ downright disgusted thing they've said#and for all the smiles and the hugs my family throws my way i know what they are. i've seen the treatment they give queer family members.#i have an uncle who didn't speak to his daughter for almost a decade when she came out as a lesbian#it was only a couple years ago that they started to reconnect and she can't even bring her partner to family gatherings because it makes#people 'uncomfortable'#i'm sorry i'm rambling at this point but i just wish things would get a little easier. instead i feel all this pressure and everything#getting harder#nothing left to do except put on my big boy pants i guess#sansgwilie
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matrixxsystem · 6 months ago
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Terrapin Soup Part 9 (3/7)
"This- Is as cool as it is gross.. Thanks. I'll treasure it forever." Donnie glanced to the carved piece then back to Leo, "Did uh.. I'm not gonna beat around the bush here-" He leaned in and started to whisper. "You didn't kill him right? The guy you went after?" Leo looked a bit surprised, very clearly not expecting that, "Why would you ask that? You know we don't do that sort of thing.. Even if some bad guys deserve it..." "Leo seriously, answer the question. I mean I don't think you would, and I have no reason to believe either of you would really. But after the events of tonight I need a little reassurance." Leo rolled his eyes and gave Donnie's battle shell a reassuring pat. "Dee you know me, I've never killed anything except a fly that once time, and maybe a spider or two.. And made an attempt on Warren that one time cause I panicked... But he survived! Anyway to answer you question, no. I didn't do anything like that. Why are you so worried? Did something happen?" Donnie and April looked between each other for a moment, so he didn't know..? April gathered her things and gave a small nod to Donnie, "I'm gonna head home if we're done here, mom doesn't like me staying out late. Leo come walk me out." Leo was a little hesitant, he looked back to Usagi who seemed to be muttering something to Hyo despite him still being asleep.. He'd be okay for a few minutes. "Uh.. Okay? Sure, just gimme a sec." He pulled out his phone and sent Usagi a text rather then disturbing him in whatever conversation he was having with himself before leaving the room with April. 
Once they left the lair and headed into the rest of the sewers to get to the ladders April stopped, confusing Leo even further. "Hey.. Can I ask you somethin Leo?"  "Always, though you're making me more and more worried by getting me alone in a dark sewer.. I know you love horror movies but this is not the place to have a heart to heart-" April rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall, "No I just.. I wanted to ask about people from the hidden city. I uh.. I saw something on that guys chart when he was scanned and I'm kinda worried.. But if its normal for you guys maybe you would tell me?" "That.. Really didn't help ease the tension there girly- What's this about?" "Is it.. Normal... For mutants to like, eat other mutants?" 
-_-_-_-
"Oh I got another notification. Let's see... What's its this ti- Oh it's for Leo this time, I almost forgot my trackers have the same health monitors. Let's see.. Increased heart rate.. Shallow breathing... Excess adrenaline and tense muscles- Why in the world is he having an anxiety attack at this hour?" Usagi perked up, "A what-?" Donnie glanced over seeing Usagi start to stand, worried for Leo with good reason after hearing Donnie talk out loud to himself. "Uhm... So it's no biggie but Leo does this thing where he freaks out over nothing sometimes.. April probably- Oh sweet Reid she's interrogating him. I should go, you stay here and I'll bring him back." "Shouldn't I go? I've gotten pretty good at calming him down-" "No-! Uh- No, you should stay here incase he wakes up, shouldn't be long now. Just call us if anything happens okay?" And with that he walked out of the room going a bit faster with each passing second till he was at a light jog. "I know she's a reporter but I thought we were gonna talk to him about it together and not corner him on it. Leo tensed up hearing the question, why did she want to know? What did she see? Did Donnie know too? What about the others? Was she luring him away for a reason.. No. No, it couldn't be, she wouldn't do that. "I.. Don't really know? I mean whenever I'm there with Usagi we see all sorts of things. I never really.. Asked or really investigated what kind of food people sold. Why?" April put her phone in her bag and set it down, "I just worry, y'know? Donnie's tech was able to see the insides of that leopard guy, and it said he'd been eating yokai in the past two days. I just.. Wanted to know if I should be freaked out, or if it's just a thing y'all do normally and I'm the weird one." Leo nodded a little, trying hard not to panic over this new information. "Well.. Lots of animals eat other animals, and lots of yokai used to be people who were used to eating animals before they were mutated.. Or in our case we were animals first before we got the human-esk parts mixed in… And normal turtles eat other turtles sometimes so.. I guess in a way I could see it being more normalized? You should've asked Usagi though he grew up in the city so he'd know more. You really freaked me out for a sec-" April paused for a moment, turtles did that too? Even the cute ones? "I guess you're right, I just didn't wanna question him and be rude about it, or like what if he ate people too and got defensive or mad? I mean, if he ate people how would you react?" Leo could feel his mind starting to panic, why should she ask him now? Wasn't all suspicion cast away months ago? "I- Well… I guess it would depend? I mean, like the reason why, if he was just raised that way, if it was innocent people or like.. If there was a way where no one really got hurt? It might not be so bad if it was like that?"
Part 9.4 Part 1
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nathaniel-donovan · 9 months ago
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In every way he was being stubborn with the way he was refusing to see this entire situation any other way, he was practically consumed at this point with a will to let her go, that it didn't matter what she said or how she said it, he just wasn't allowing himself to physically show that she was hooking her nails underneath his skin. It wasn't that he didn't deserve it, boy, he deserved it. He knew that. He was pathetically - or should we use the word Alara labelled across him - cowardly opting to run away from one of the best things to happen to him. A theme in Nate's life that he never seemed to stray away from. It was like every damn time he tried to step off that set path for him, to have a glance at happiness, to find somebody that made all the noise in his head stop, he fucked it up. So maybe she was right there? How every single time he chose to fuck it up for validation. All because he was an addict to his own misery, right? Well, according to her.
Nate doesn't say anything, he lets it be, he lets it go because actually? What could he add to that? Could he give her a fucking round of applause for beating him at his own game? The one where no matter what was said about him, Nate always topped it himself. Though that was him, right? Not being able to exist without self-hatred. Alara didn't just brush across his issues, she fucking highlighted them. In his mind all he could think was tell me how you really feel. It's a sarcastic thought; it's one that won't budge.
He thought she was wrong, he didn't want to be here. Yet she wasn't a mind reader and he wasn't telling her that. He shook his head lightly, clearly disagreeing, "So you'd rather be with a drunk that's taking pills every night... sure." he was talking at the same time as her, responding in real time because he couldn't hold that back. Any softness to his tone had disappeared. No he wasn't blaming her, it wasn't her fault, he just knew she didn't need to be with somebody that chose intoxicating vices over her. Which he had been. How many times had he not showed up because he was too busy getting off his face? He'd lost count. To Nate in this moment, it was like she couldn't see what he did and that wasn't a good thing in his mind.
"Maybe I am." Brain-damaged. He couldn't even argue with her there. He knew what he was doing, he was very aware of what he was letting go of, and right now in his headspace? She was being stupid. It wasn't that he liked to have such opinion on her, because in all honesty he didn't mean it, he just thought she was wasting her time. When she steps back and still chooses to invade his space by lifting his chin to look at her, he does, he lets her, he listens. His blue eyes lock into her brown and actually? Deeply set within them, if you looked hard enough, you'd see the pain hidden in his soul. This wasn't what he wanted to do. He needed to. There was a difference.
After a moment of silence from him he stepped back from her, "Guess I need to do that then." Wonder why things weren't changing for the better for him. After all, it was all his own choices that lead him here. So she said. He wouldn't ever blame her, but her words cut deep. He took another step back, "Y'know... better fuck off and be an addict to my own misery." He makes that move to turn away; the words she threw at him? He tossed them right back. He even scoffed, it's humourless really, knowing that out of everything that was what stung the most. Nate wasn't quite sure he'd fully back that one, he also took that as her not getting him. In his mind it was like she was using the fact that he was an addict against him - which she was in her every right to do so, he couldn't blame her for that, he just thought it was tasteless.
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"That's bullshit. You make time." He just didn't want to, apparently, and she couldn't deny how much it stung to realize that he'd come here with his mind already made up. "Do people usually let you get away with acting like this? An addict to your own misery. You say you're a lot of things, Nate, but if coward was never one of them then it should be." Narrowing her eyes, she takes a breath, not wanting to lose her shit now, if this was happening, she wasn't going down without a fight. "This isn't about me being too good for you, it's about you not knowing how to exist without every ounce of self-hatred you can grab onto. So sure that you'll fuck up that you actually make it happen, you choose to make it true for your own validation." Alara shook her head.
"Don't tell me what's not fair. I'm not going to let you convince yourself that we were going to end up here when the only reason we are is because you want to be here. You said you wanted to talk, but you're not talking, I'm talking, and you're taking my words and analyzing them to suit the narrative you want." Mind racing, heartbreaking, she could see that he was just too far out of her reach this time to pull him back. "Don't," she warned, "Don't imply that it's my fault you decided you needed to be better for me when I only ever needed and asked for you to be yourself. The guy who is kind and caring, who made me feel safe, made me smile, visited me during work just because. That's what I deserve, and that's what you always gave me. What I don't deserve is what you're doing right now. But no, I don't hate you, I feel sorry for you because this, right here? This is one of those moments you could choose not to fuck up, but you are. I'll be the best thing to ever walk into your life and you have to be brain-damaged to push me away."
Managing to hold her resolve, she steps back, creating space, but still manages to reach out and tip up his chin, making their eyes meet. "I'm not letting you go, you're letting me go. And letting go of the people who support you is not the solution to getting yourself back together, that's where you fall off and fail. Maybe once, you were broken because of what's been done to you, but now it's only true to say that you're broken because of what you're choosing to do to yourself. This is all you, Nate, your actions, your decisions, your choices. I want you to think about that the next time you dare to wonder why things aren't changing for the better." Dropping her hand, she wasn't really sure what she'd said anymore, all she knew was that she wanted to hold a mirror up to his face and show him the lies he told himself. Partly out of anger, mostly out of her own pain and grief for an ending to something that didn't have to have one. This wasn't about her, it never was, it was about his own inability to give himself an ounce of peace. You can help someone who wants to be helped, not someone who actively decides to show you why you shouldn't.
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rogue-barnes-16 · 5 years ago
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THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF NATASHA ROMANOFF (part V/?)
Summary: after the too convenient disappearance of Natasha Romanoff, the Avengers —a local biker gang— search for help in the most unexpected place in order to get their friend back. Will it help, or will the situation just get more twisted and dangerous?
Pairing: biker!Bucky Barnes x reader
Genre: angst-ish (biker gang au)
Tags:
The mysterious disappearance of Natasha Romanoff: @shirukitsune @retrxbarnes @montypythonsholysnail
Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @1a-girl-has-no-name1 @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack @butifulsoul125 @unlikelygalaxygiver
Warnings: language
A/N: I've been kinda missing for quite a while, posting something here and there, but I kinda miss writing regularly so I'll try come back to posting twice-thrice a week, but you gotta give me a bit to get some shit rearranged and written for that schedule to be possible. Meanwhile, enjoy this part of the series and if you wanna be added to the taglist, send an ask <3.
The mysterious disappearance of Natasha Romanoff masterlist
Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist
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I took a deep breath and threw myself against the backrest, waiting for the first location to load while my hands ran through up my face and through my hair.
A yawn escaped my lips as I checked the laptop's clock first, and the timer for the code to do its magic second.
Leaving the laptop over the chair where I had been sitting, I walked my way to the kitchen and poured myself what would be the fourth coffee of that morning.
As soon as I finished, I made my way to the balcony were I used to spend those early mornings with my mug held between my palms.
I took a sip of my coffee, resting my elbows over the small balcony's railing. My were eyes closed as I breathed in the forest morning breeze.
"So much for saying it was a one-night stand." A teasing voice behind me asked, and a grin tugged the corners of my lips. "You still here?"
"It's been two weeks since that." I taunted him, taking a sip. "get over it."
"can't get over you." He dramatically stated in his morning husky voice, which made the sentence seem way more romantic than I thought it was.
"So fucking cheesy." I laughed.
"Bare with me, doll." feeling his lips against my temple made my smile wider while a pair of hands traveled from behind me to rest on my hips. "this is mine." he tugged the hem of his jacket, which I was wearing.
I hummed in response, leaning my back against his chest. "It's chilly out here. I didn't wanna get cold."
He tugged the hem of his jacket eagerly, feathery kisses tracing a path from my shoulder to my neck "come back to bed" I chuckled at his eagerness . " it's still warm."
"I got work to do" I replied noctant with the sole goal of sort-of upsetting him in a playful way. "No time for cuddling."
"Please, Y/n." he whined, slowly pulling me away from the balcony to take me back to the bed. "Just ten minutes."
"It's not gonna be ten minutes." I retorted playfully, turning around to kiss his lips as we entered the bedroom once more. "You're not fooling anyone with those puppy eyes, Barnes."
He let out a subtle laugh "at least you won't get cold."
I shivered.
It was always a little bit too chilly during the morning in that balcony.
I felt the urge to squeal when a jacket was suddenly thrown over my shoulders as a reply to my subtle shiver.
I held it back, though, and instead, grabbed the lapels clothing offered and put it on while a tall figure made its way to my side "Drop the coffee, yunky." Sam teased, resting his elbows over the railing without sparing me more than a subtle glance. "it's like the tenth one I see you with this mornin'."
"It's just the fourth one." I responded, looking before me to avoid eye contact with him as I took a sip of the coffee. "It's nice to see your level of drama hasn't changed at all."
"it's good to see your level of sarcasm is still the same, too." I shook my head with a smirk I couldn't hold back. "I kinda missed that annoying sass."
"Oh boy, ain't I aware of that."
His amused yet brief chuckle preceeded a surprisingly soothing silence between the two of us.
"So" I looked over to him and, by the knowing half smile in his face as he watched me intently, I just knew what he was going to mention. "a boyfriend?"
"Hell no," I denied with a scoff. "we're not talking 'bout that."
"C'mon, Y/n." he whined, turning to face my side. "I won't tell Barnes."
"Sam" I pinched the bridge of my nose as all the bad memories from those last days with them came back around, as if they had been summoned by Bucky’s last name. "I still don't trust you. Any of you."
"Uh... Sorry."
"Like-- I appreciate you tryin" I explained the best way I could. "but we're not there yet, and I don't know if we ever will."
"Yeah I'm-"
I shut my eyes as the self-awareness of how rude I might have sounded hit me. "I'm sorry I-"
"No, no, I'm sorry, you're right." he sighed, rubbing is hands together in an anxious manner. "And... I know it's not my place to ask any of this, but-" he took a split second to measure his words before speaking. "You're happy with him, right?"
I frowned, not at the question itself, but at what was carefully hidden behind it. "what d'ya mean?"
"I mean, you're with him because he makes you happy, right?"
"Wilson, why the fuck would I be with him if he didn't?" I inquired, now turning around to face him as my tone turned more hostile each passing second.
"I shouldn't be sayin' this but-"
"But you're gonna say it anyway." I finished. He opened his mouth a couple of times but nothing came out. "C'mon, what d'ya mean?"
"Listen-" he glanced around before continuing the sentence he had just started. "I'm just sayin I hope it's 'cause you're happy together and not 'cause of Bucky."
We eyeballed each other for a hot second while the anger built up inside me, making it so damn hard for me not to explode.
"Y'know what? I'm not havin' it." I stated, stepping away from the balcony in order to reach the living room.
"That's not an answer."
"You don't fuckin' deserve one." I hissed, grabbing the laptop to finish what was left to do as quickly as I could, now eager to flee out of there.
How dare him? I thought to myself. Who the fuck gave him the right to say shit like that.
The moment I was done with the laptop, I smacked it shut and, picking up my jacket, I rushed downstairs.
I was so inside my thoughts that I ended up bumping into Bucky on my way out, which left us both with barely enough balance to avoid falling down the stairs.
"Shit- sorry."
"Don't worry." he let go of my forearms, which I didn't know he was holding, and I shockingly enough, had to do the same, since I gripped his arms to avoid falling. "You okay?"
"Yeah- I mean..." I puffed, affirming with my head. "I'm fine."
"I..." I stared into his eyes for a moment, watching him trying to read me in order to find out what was wrong. "You sure?" I only nodded as his worried irises observed me. "you finished?"
"Yeah, everything's set in the laptop already." he mumbled an 'alright' and stepped aside, freeing the way for me to exit. "I... I really hope you find her."
"I'll call you if I need your help again." he answered, and, right after, attempted to climb upstairs.
"Bucky wait!" I followed him just to be close enough to be able to grab his hand, which made his whole body tense. "I changed my number." I explained whilst getting a pen out of my pocket to scribble my new number on his palm. "there it goes." I let go of him with a pang of sadness that I wouldn't even admit to myself. "keep me updated." I requested, trying my best to ignore the tinge of red creeping up his neck and ears.
"Okay. Have a good time with your boyfriend." what was meant to be a smile ended up as a pursed lip, and I couldn't blame him since I felt my mouth doing the same gesture as I climbed downstairs to the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
BUCKY'S P. O. V.
I double checked Natasha's phone's latest locations, which Y/n had managed to get before leaving, before going back to the map in order to revise which were areas out of New Jersey and Queens.
"Hey" I spun my head to the door frame, against where Sam's side was now resting. "How's it going?"
"Uh... I think we have something." I informed him, pointing at one small area near the center of Manhattan. "I called Carter— I know, Steve's gonna kill me." I stated, anticipating whatever Sam must have thought of saying out loud. "She said Hydra's boys have been seen in this area for a while and--"
"I wasn't asking 'bout Nat." he cut me off, tilting his head to the side slightly while the faintest tinge of worry showed up in his eyes. "I meant-- y'know what I meant."
"What d'ya want me to say?" I questioned with a wannabe-careless shrug. "It's going. Just like it's been goin' for 'bout year already."
I took a peek at his face and I just knew he was about to explain to me how different it had been today from the rest of that year of me drowning in self-pity.
"Don't-"
"She got a boyfriend."
"Yeah, I heard that too." I replied sarcastically, getting up in order to reach for the phone again.
"What I mean-"
"She moved on, I know." I finished his sentence, starting to mark Peggy's number once again. "Can you focus on-"
Sam teared the phone away from me in a swift movement, which left me shocked for a couple of seconds.
"what the hell, Wilson?"
"Don't call Peggy," he warned me, locking the phone and placing it in his pocket. "Steve's gonna end you. And-"
"I swear if it's 'bout-"
"I wasn't gonna say that she moved on, you idiot." he snapped. "I was gonna say, don't do anything fucking stupid."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"It means she's not single." my friend warned me with arms crossed, no longer resting against the door frame. "It means that if somethin' happens and she doesn't stop it-"
"Nothin'll happen," I assured him with a sting of pain in my heart.
He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. "I'm just sayin'..."
"Sam."
"I'm tryna help, man." his reply sounded as a desperate whine. "If you do something stupid and her relationship goes south, the blame's gonna be on you."
"It wouldn't-"
"It will," he argued, lowering the voice before continuing. " 'cause it's easier to blame the ex who fucked her up."
"We're all adults."
"Yeah" he agreed. "but you're my friend and I don't wanna see you bawling and weeping for another year."
"I'll be just fine."
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tinyoctopuswrites · 7 years ago
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It There May Bloom
Title: It There May Bloom
Rating: Teen & Up
Characters: Gabriel Reyes/ Reaper
Summary: To Gabriel Reyes, Jack Morrison will always be a hero. Companion to In Memoriam. 
Tags: Post-Fall of Overwatch, Canonical Character Death, Angst 
This late in the day, the Arlington National Cemetery quieted beneath the mottled grey sky. Visitors hurried back to the entrance where the land of the living waited, but rather than follow them, the man in black wove between the headstones, one more ghost among the dead.
He stopped a distance away from his destination, hidden beneath the shadow of a leafless tree. Narrowed eyes considered the small crowd gathered around the grave—students and their teacher on a tour, it seemed.
The guide pointed down to the slab of white marble as she spoke. "Here, you can see the grave of Jack Morrison, the Strike Commander of Overwatch. A veteran of the United States armed forces, he—alongside Gabriel Reyes—saved the world during the Omnic Crisis."
"My dad says he was a war criminal," one of the children said. "I'm glad he died."
The man's fist tightened around the flowers. Beneath the tree, the shadows grew darker and longer.
"I shook his hand after a speech once! He signed my notebook!"
"Shut up, Susan! No one cares. My uncle worked for Overwatch, and he said that Reyes deserved the position more. He was the real hero, so Morrison can—"
"Well then," the tour guide interrupted, "why don't we head over to the eternal flame before we head back to the bus?" The woman walked away and the children followed—all except three.
One ripped down the flag hanging above the grave, the orange and silver insignia bright against the blue field. Another kicked over the flower arrangements, porcelain shattering against unforgiving stone. When the third child brought out a permanent marker, something in him snapped.
The dead man closed the distance between them, trails of black smoke whispering off his skin. With the cowl of his hood casting his face in shadow, he loomed behind the children: an apparition formed out of the grey mist. Sensing his presence, the children looked up, suddenly face-to-face with a ghost made flesh.
"Go. Away," he said, soft and serious.
They ran.
Once alone, the dead man knelt down, the stiff grass yielding to mud. "Kids these days," he sighed out, more to himself than the man in front of him, patient and unflinching despite the chill in the air. "You ever wonder if we saved the world too well?" He snorted and then shook his head. "Nah, don't say anything. I already know your answer: you never once questioned it." His lips turned downward in a wry smile.
"It's why you're such a good man. Oh sure, you have your days when you start to sound as cynical and jaded as me, but then you bounce right back. It's usually a little thing, too, something small and otherwise insignificant, like that time I found you at your desk, reading a hand-drawn thank you letter from a child who can barely spell your name. You are—" The words caught in his throat. "You were such a good man. The best I've ever met. The world doesn't—didn't—deserve you."
With trembling fingers, he gathered the rain-marked slips of paper into a neat pile. Out of curiosity, he opened one of the cards, lips quirking into a wry smile when he read the illegible text. He should have known better. Whatever the words had once said, time and the elements had washed them away. Shaking his head, he righted one of the vases and set the heavy ceramic down on top of the pile to keep the cards in place.
"I don't know what to do now that you're gone."
He stared down at the trampled flower petals, straining to hear heavy footsteps, the rustle of a bright blue leather duster, a familiar laugh.
He waited and waited and waited—just in case.
...but nothing happened.
"Can we start over?" The dead man inhaled a long, slow breath, exhaled, and then smiled, the corners of his eyes creasing. When he spoke again, his voice was warm and gentle. "Hey handsome. Long time no see. If you missed me half as much as I missed you…" He laughed, fond and warm. Then, his words—so often spoken, they were practically a script unto themselves—sank in. His smile vanished.
"Right." He cleared his throat. "I'll have you know, I had everything all planned out. Thought I'd surprise you with flowers just like old times—a dozen red roses. Sappy, sure, but can you blame me?" The dead man picked up the bouquet, the crumpled paper smeared with mud, and held it out. He grimaced at the sight. "I know, I know. They're not the best—sorry about that. Only two of the roses opened up, but I'll make it up to you on our next date, even if I have to go through the entire flower shop myself." He set the flowers beside the flat grave marker.
"What have I been up to since my last visit? Hmmm." He rubbed a hand across his chin, fingers rasping over his beard. "Not much. I slept a lot, ate when I could remember. It's been a slow week. I blame the weather." He pointed up at the overcast sky. "What else. Let's see…"
He snapped his fingers. "Oh! I finally watched that speech you gave in Prague. You know, the one where you talked about standing resolute in the face of adversity, how you believe in the mission statement of Overwatch, how you've tirelessly worked to make the world a better place for well over a decade. It was a great speech, definitely one of your best. Wish I’d been able to take my head out of my ass long enough to hear it in person, but I think I was still pissed about Blackwatch's suspension back then."
He shook his head.
"God, I was so angry at you then. Still am, if I'm being honest, but I can't yell anymore. I did enough of that for one lifetime." His breath puffed out into the cold air, thick with the late autumn damp. "I always feel worse after I calm down, you know? Sick with regret. I never mean any of it. All of it—it's just bullshit. I'm sorry—again—for what I said." His breathing hitched.
"You know I didn't mean it, right? If I'd known that was the last thing I'd ever tell you, I would never have opened my fucking mouth in the first place. You know that. You know me. I want to take it all back. I do. If I hadn't been so stupid, if there was a way to do it, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I just—" Thunder rumbled in the distance, drowning out his next words.
He inhaled a ragged breath.
Then another.
Then another.
When he spoke again, his voice sounded strained. "You know, Jack," he began, "I can't figure out what pisses me off more: that your next-door-neighbor isn't much company or that I'm here again, trying to make up for his empty plot." The name carved into the second tombstone mocked him.
"Not even sure what to call myself anymore. It just doesn't feel right to wear a dead man's name, you know? Bad luck and all that. Gabriel Reyes died in the explosion at the Swiss Headquarters, though no one admitted his casket was empty when they buried him beside his best friend." He snorted. "Gabriel Reyes, a war hero, a brave man who saved the world against insurmountable odds.I'm pretty sure I stole that line from a plaque somewhere." He shook his head.
"We've had so many close calls before." He laughed, soft and low. "Must've pissed off the Grim Reaper so much, he didn't want to give you back to me this time. I completely understand—I never wanted to share you either." He flicked at one of the bent flower stems littering the ground.
"You know, since I'm still alive, I keep hoping you are, too. Somehow. I know it’s not good to keep my hopes up, but can you blame me? The world needs heroes, Jack, and I'm not one of them. I only did it because of you, y'know. Because you saw the good in me. Because you made me want to be a better man. Because you loved me, you trusted me, and you believed in me, even when I gave you every damned reason otherwise. I don't know how to do it all without you by my side."
A droplet of water splattered onto his nose, and the man in black pulled his hood farther down over his head. "I better go before it starts to rain. I'll be back soon, okay?" He pressed a kiss to the cold marble, turned on his heel, and then disappeared into the mist.
Yet as that other, wandering there In those deserted walks, may find A flower beat with rain and wind, Which once she foster'd up with care; So seems it in my deep regret, O my forsaken heart, with thee And this poor flower of poesy Which little cared for fades not yet. But since it pleased a vanish'd eye, I go to plant it on his tomb, That if it can it there may bloom, Or, dying, there at least may die.
-In Memoriam by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
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