#and proceeds to tell me that because i have no visible dysfunction i just don’t have any dysfunction at all

[euelios]

some people will really come within centimetres of getting it and then not get it

[deanieweaniewrites]

In Your Loving Arms

Rated: T

Warnings: None

Words: 2.6k

Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Bipolar Castiel, Caring Boyfriend Dean

This is a fic that’s very personal to me. I wrote it just to make myself feel better, and in posting it I hope it gives some comfort to someone else in the way it comforted me. That being said, there is a lot of mental health talk in this, so it is a heavy read. Proceed with caution if that stuff bothers you. There is no angst in this, all fluff, but the themes are what make it heavy. I hope you enjoy.

~~~

Castiel pulls a pillow over his head when he hears his phone vibrate for the third time in the past five minutes. His body feels weighed down and his head is thick with fog. He isn’t sure if he’s about to cry or if he’s just numb. The room is completely dark save for the light peeking around the blackout curtains on his windows. It’s past noon and he hasn’t left his bed yet. It’s a Saturday so he doesn’t have anywhere to be.

He rolls onto his back and stares up in the ceiling. He’s been in this shirt for three days now. He hears his phone buzz again and closes his eyes. He knows who it is. He wants to talk to him, but it feels too hard. He hates it when anyone interacts with him while he’s like this. It’s too embarrassing. 

It was two years ago, when he turned eighteen, that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The diagnosis came as no shock. He had his suspicions since he was fifteen. Castiel was put in therapy then, and he had been in and out of it for two years. It was hard to find a therapist that he liked. 

For the past six days, he has been in another one of his depressive episodes. They usually last between two and three weeks. All he’s managed to do in the past six days is go to his university classes and remember to feed himself once a day. He’s stayed locked away in his room for the rest of the day. He’s spent most of the days sleeping or watching youtube. 

He’s fortunate enough to have someone else who lives in his apartment that mostly leaves him alone. Balthazar is a nice friend and he gets along with Castiel. He doesn’t bother Castiel when things get bad like this only because he knows how much Castiel wants to be left alone. 

Castiel rolls onto his side and kicks a pile of dirty clothes off of his bed. The floor of his small bedroom is no longer visible due to the buildup of trash and clothes. There’s a small path that leads out the door and another that leads to the bathroom, which is also a mess. The mess usually builds up for days prior to an episode, and that’s how Castiel tells that it’s coming. 

His phone buzzes again and he finally decides to look at the messages. 

Dean: Hey Cas. I know it’s getting rough for you right now. Can I come over?

Dean: I know you don’t want anyone to see you, but I miss you

Dean: It’s not just that, I can help. I’m not judging you and I just want to help. 

Dean: I just texted Balth and asked if you were home. I’m coming over. 

Dean: I’m here. Balth is going to let me in.

Castiel sighs heavily. He’s been with Dean for nearly a year now. Dean is very familiar with Castiel’s pattern and has never judged him for anything. He’s been nothing but accepting and loving. The one thing Castiel hadn’t allowed yet was for Dean to see him during a depressive episode. It sucked to go for two or three weeks without seeing Dean, but he was too embarrassed to let him in. He’d much rather hide and then clean up the mess afterwards. 

But now, Dean is here. Castiel hears him entering the apartment. He wants to frantically start picking up the mess in his room, but he’s too tired to get up. He sits up and fights back tears. He just waits for the inevitable disgust from Dean. This could very well be the end. How could Dean still respect him after seeing how bad this is? 

~~~

Dean gently knocks on Castiel’s bedroom door. He hears some movement from inside. “I’m coming in, okay?” 

He opens the door and looks at the floor. He’s never seen Castiel’s room like this. Usually his boyfriend was very tidy. The room was always bright and warm with homely decor. Right now, it looks like a different room. The floor is completely covered save for two paths carved through it. The bed is rumpled, the desk is covered in trash, and right in the center of the bed sits Castiel. He has his knees tucked to his chest, and even through the darkness of the room, Dean can see the tears on his cheeks. “Can I turn the light on?”

“Mmhm.”

Dean flips the light on and closes the door behind himself. He holds up a takeout container. “I brought you food. It’s those chicken tenders from that one restaurant you like.”

Castiel doesn’t look Dean in the eyes. He buries his face in his knees and sniffles, clearly fighting back the urge to sob.

Dean walks through the small path and sits down on the bed. He sets the food down and gently places a hand on Castiel’s back. “I’m sorry if you don’t want me here. I just can’t stand that you’re in here suffering by yourself. I would have done this sooner if I had known it was this bad. You’re not alone, okay? I love you and I want to help you through this.”

Castiel hiccups and wipes his eyes against his arm. “I’m embarrassed. I never let anyone see me like this because I know how disgusting it is. I haven’t showered in...I think five days. I don’t want anyone to know that I spend part of my life living like this.”

Dean rubs Castiel’s back. “You don’t need to be embarrassed, certainly not around me. Look, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through right now. All I know is that I want to help. You don’t have to fight this alone. Are you hungry?”

Castiel lifts his head from his arms and blinks away tears. He looks at the takeout box on the bed and nods. “Yeah.” He picks up the box and opens it up. “Thanks.”

Dean nods and looks around the room. “Is it okay if I start cleaning?”

Castiel frowns. “You don’t have to do that. This place is a disaster. I can clean it when I feel better.”

“You can, but having a clean space may make you a little more comfortable now. I’m going to get garbage bags.” Dean leaves the bedroom and finds garbage bags in the cabinets under the kitchen sink. He grabs a few and returns to the bedroom to see Castiel slowly eating. “I really don’t mind cleaning, especially if it means helping you.” 

Castiel swallows his mouthful of food and watches Dean move around the room, picking up all of the trash. “I thought you hated cleaning. You throw a fit about washing your roommate’s dishes at your own place.”

“That’s because Ash just expects me to wash the dishes because I like the place to be clean. I’m happy to do this because I know you’re having a hard time and I know executive dysfunction is a bitch.” Dean stuffs all of the trash into the bag he’s holding as he moves around the room. 

Things start to look better as time passes. Dean picks up the takeout container and throws it away as well once Castiel is done. Castiel lays back down in bed and closes his eyes while Dean cleans. 

Dean moves on to laundry and starts picking up all of the dirty clothes. He fills the hamper and takes it to the washer, putting in a load. He sweeps the floor and wipes down all of the surfaces in the room. It only takes him about an hour to bring the room back to its usual state. 

“Alright, now on to you.” Dean smiles. 

Castiel opens his eyes and scrunches his brows. “Huh?”

“Let’s get in the shower. I’ll shower with you.”

Castiel frowns. “I don’t think I can, I’m sorry. I know it’s gross, I’m just too tired.”

Dean nods. “That’s okay. How about a bath? I’ll help you.”

Castiel sighs. “That’s kind of embarrassing.”

Dean puts a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “I’m not judging you. I just want to help.”

Castiel looks away and stays quiet for a few seconds. “I guess I can try a shower.”

Dean smiles softly. “Do you want me to shower with you?”

Castiel nods as he sits up. “I probably won’t get it done otherwise.” He slides off the bed and stretches with a groan.

Dean walks to the side of the bed and pulls the sheets off. He takes the pillowcases off as well and tosses them into the hamper. “Your sheets are on the top shelf of the closet, right?”

Castiel watches and nods. “Yeah, thank you.” 

Dean puts a fresh pair of sheets on the bed and pulls the blankets back, making the bed. “There. Now, onto the shower.” He leads the way to Castiel’s bathroom and turns the shower on. 

Castiel closes the bathroom door and starts undressing. His movements are slow and he looks exhausted despite not moving all day. He sets his clothes on the bathroom counter and steps into the shower. 

Dean strips, folding his clothes and leaving them on the bathroom counter. He gets in the shower behind Castiel. He’s already showered today, so he’s really only there to help Castiel if he needs it. “You want help?”

Castiel shakes his head. “I’d like to keep a little dignity, but thank you.”

“You haven’t lost any dignity in my eyes.” Dean hands the body wash to Castiel and leans against the wall to watch him. 

Castiel’s movements are slow, but he gets the job done. He washes his hair twice to get rid of the greasy feeling and washes his face. He turns off the water once he’s done and grabs a towel. “Thank you for being moral support. I needed that.”

“Any time.” Dean steps out of the shower and grabs the other towel. He pats himself dry before redressing himself. 

Castiel wraps the towel around his waist and walks out of his bedroom. He searches his drawers and pulls out a large t-shirt and another pair of sweatpants to wear. It’s about all he has in terms of clean clothes. Once he’s dressed, he climbs back onto his bed and lays down. 

Dean finishes dressing and climbs into bed with Castiel. “Is this okay?” To his surprise, Castiel turns over and buries his face in his chest. Dean wraps his arms around him and kisses the top of his head. “I love you, okay? You don’t ever have to be embarrassed about this stuff. Until you feel better, I’m gonna drop by every day after class to check on you.”

Castiel holds Dean tightly. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Whenever you’re not like this we see each other nearly every day, so it’s no different than normal for me. Besides, I want to see you.”

“I’m not going to be much fun. All I’m really doing right now is sleeping and watching youtube.”

Dean shrugs. “I’m always down for that. Besides, a nap after class sounds nice. If you really don’t want me here, I’ll just poke my head in to make sure you’re okay and then leave.”

Castiel holds onto Dean’s shirt and nods a little. “I thought having someone around for this would really suck, but it’s actually nice.”

Dean runs his fingers through Castiel’s damp hair. “Have you been making it to class?”

Castiel nods. “I make it to my lectures, but I’ve fallen behind a little on my assignments. I can catch up and my professors are all aware of my situation.”

“What about your meds? When was the last time you took them?”

Castiel goes quiet for a few seconds. “Two weeks ago.”

Dean frowns. “What made you stop taking them?”

“They make my stomach hurt. I’d like to be able to process dairy and wheat products without feeling like I’m dying.”

Dean kisses the top of Castiel’s head. “You should take your meds. We’ve had this discussion before.” Castiel sighs. “I know. I just...I hate to have to take them. I don’t want to need them. They have a horrible name. Anti-psychotics. I hate that word, psychotic. It sounds so venomous. I don’t want to need pills for the rest of my life. Sometimes when I stop taking them I feel better. My head feels clearer and I don’t get any side effects anymore.”

“But when you take your meds, this doesn’t happen at this severity. Maybe you won’t need meds forever. Just think about right now. Right now, you need them. If you really hate the ones you’re on now, tell your doctor when you see them again.”

“Truthfully, the side effects really aren’t that bad. It’s more that I just don’t want to need medication. I keep going off it to try to prove to myself that I’m fine. I know I need to just stick with it.” Castiel wraps an arm around Dean. 

Dean nods. “Do you want reminders or would that get annoying?”

Castiel thinks for a moment. “Honestly it would probably get annoying. I could set an alarm on my phone to remind me to take them.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Dean sits up a little and turns over. He opens the drawer on the bedside table and pulls out a couple pill bottles. “I’ll go get you some water.”

Castiel nods and sits up as Dean gets up. He opens the pill bottles and collects all his correct dosages in his palm. 

Dean returns with a glass of water and hands it to Castiel. “Here you go.”

Castiel takes all of his meds with water before laying back down. “I need to sleep.”

“Alright. I’ll take a nap with you.” Dean climbs back into bed and spoons Castiel from behind. He closes his eyes as he holds his boyfriend against his chest. “I love you.”

Castiel finds Dean’s hand and holds it tightly. “I love you too. Thank you for coming.”

“Anytime, baby.”

Dean and Castiel nap there for a couple hours before Dean wakes up. He lays there for another half hour, watching Castiel sleep. It was a bit of a role reversal. Castiel was usually the first to wake up whenever they slept together and he would always watch Dean sleep. Now that it’s Dean watching Castiel, he gets the appeal.

Castiel wakes up and rubs his eyes. He turns his head to look at Dean with a tiny smile on his face. He suggests that they watch Netflix on his laptop, so they prop themselves up to do just that. Dean takes out his own laptop to work on some schoolwork while they sit there. 

Dean makes dinner for both of them when the time comes, and he goes home afterwards. 

In the following days, Dean checks on Castiel every day. After his classes, he drives to Castiel’s apartment and spends a couple hours with him. Castiel’s mood seems to lift a little every time Dean comes over. His presence certainly doesn’t ‘fix’ Castiel, but it does help. 

~~~

Castiel starts to return to his usual mood after a week. With the help of his medication, he starts to feel more like himself. He actually leaves his bed for a reason other than class to finish up the laundry that Dean had been helping him with. He goes over to Dean’s apartment after class and thanks him again for being as supportive as he was. 

Knowing that someone is there to support him makes everything feel much easier. Castiel knows that his relationship isn’t going to fix all of his problems, but Dean feels like a partner to him. They build each other up and work alongside one another. It’s healthy in a way that Castiel has never experienced before now. Despite everything, Castiel can call himself happy. He knows that he isn’t alone now, and that makes the fight so much easier.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

you’re not the poison; it’s me.

... um. titans 2.07 absolutely WRECKED me you guys, and i would like to tell you why in excruciating detail:

SPOILERS ahead

(and before i go ahead, i just want to say this: this episode deals with ptsd and psychosis and suicidal ideation explicitly, in ways that even i found difficult to watch. it’s very intense. please keep that in mind if you decide to watch it.)

1. usually genre tv shows like to pile on the trauma but deal with its fallout either rarely or in oblique ways--shots of the character brooding, a couple of ‘candid’ talks filled with frustrating euphemisms, then it’s on to tackling the next plot point. not titans tho--for this show, the trauma is very much the point. the plot is wafer-thin and takes a backseat as the show takes episode after episode to break down its central characters and hammer it in that there are no easy fix-its for complex trauma, and that Dealing with it is a continuous, sometimes lifelong process. it forces you to keep re-evaluating and re-contextualising the actions of these characters and challenges your assumptions.

1.5. for instance: let’s take donna troy. in s1 she was the put-together big sister to dick, content with living her life outside the superhero community while giving sound advice to dick about how he can get his own life back on track. now? she’s a stressed, paranoid wreck, plagued by horrible memories and taking her insecurities out on dick and jason and whoever else is available. deathstroke’s machinations aside, there’s something deeply dysfunctional about the way the original titans operated, the ways they brought both the best and the worst out of each other. it seems like none of them really understood the seriousness of what they were doing until they did something truly terrible that they couldn’t take back, and it was earth-shattering enough that donna completely abandoned her old life to live as a civilian. trigon’s vision for her in 2.01 reminded her that she was fooling herself; coming back to titans tower and actually having to face what made her run away in the first place has broken down the walls she’s spent five years putting up. it’s not pretty to watch, but... it tracks.

2. after having written post after post about dick cracking under relentless stress and the weight of his own guilt complex, it was startling to see him actually fall apart. halluci!bruce was absolutely brutal and really brought home the fact that Good Lord, Dick Grayson Is So Far From Okay That It’s Not Even Funny Anymore. 

because here’s the thing: dick is deeply unwell, and however the show proceeds with his character from here on out, this episode made absolutely no bones about that fact. his single-minded dash to find and kill slade is framed as both irrational and suicidal. he’s visibly on edge, bursting into bouts of uncontrollable rage. he’s shown to carry a guilt complex the size of mount everest, to the point where it actually seems delusional. he’s fucking terrified of abandonment, to the point where he’d rather cut off ties on his own rather than have others leave him. he’s constantly berating himself and this doesn’t give him a moment to sit down and think and try to form a rational plan. halluci!bruce even mentions meds and “uppers and downers” to cope, and i am genuinely concerned that that was what dick actually did to cope in the immediate aftermath of whatever the fuck went down with him and joey and deathstroke. maybe it’s ptsd with a secondary psychosis triggered by nearly losing jason the same way he lost his parents (and massive sleep deprivation, i imagine), or maybe there’s another underlying chronic mental illness. either way, he needs help. 

man but halluci!bruce was vicious. if this is what dick has running in his head at all times, no wonder he broods, and no wonder he takes others admonishing his choices with barely any protest! 

2.25. looking at this from a different perspective, tho, here’s another way in which bruce wayne functions as a symbol on this show. phantom!bruce is how dick normally externalises everything he hates about himself, and this dynamic plays out very literally in this episode. 

interestingly, and somewhat heartbreakingly, it took dick accepting and internalising his low opinion of himself and his veritable ocean of guilt for judgy!bruce wayne to turn into loving, concerned!bruce wayne, who would comfort dick and wipe his tears. (it is entirely heartbreaking that that’s what dick subconsciously craves from bruce.) dick must debase himself for love and acceptance. it’s fucking tragic. 

2.55. and what does it mean--for dick and for his friendships with the og titans--that he’s so convinced that they would leave him if he told them the truth about jericho? for one, even back then, it seemed like dick was doing a lot of the emotional labour for the team: as a leader he both funnelled and executed the team’s plans, with responsibility for the fallout falling unevenly and mostly on his shoulders; he acted as the go-between for the team and bruce, for donna and garth, probably for hank and dawn, given he was dawn’s rebound. later, hank and dawn are visibly concerned by how viciously he fights. after re-forming the titans, he continues to shoulder responsibility for the shit-show that deathstroke rains on them, although he didn’t know deathstroke was alive when he re-opened the tower. of course he thinks that the team will think that he’s beyond redemption if they find out the truth; of course he’d want to go and finish off deathstroke on his own--or die in the process--before any of them finds out. 

2.75. but guys, here’s the thing: in spite of all of this, dick grayson still went around to check on conner and jason and assure the latter that he didn’t blame him for running off on his own. he saw jason standing there on a precipice right at the end, and decided he was going to be opaque anymore, or fall back on what he learned from bruce. he sits down with jason and finally divulges the secret that he had been willing to die to protect--making himself vulnerable to save jason’s life. he’s trying so goddamn hard even though his brain is rioting against him right now and probably has been for years. it’s just--i can’t imagine a truer, more sensitive portrayal of dick grayson than this.

3. watching jason reach his breaking point was,,, Not Fun. it’s one thing to be seemingly passed on like unwanted baggage from guardian to guardian. to be viewed with contempt and impatience when he just wants to make sure his voice isn’t lost in the constant shuffle. to be looked at as an impostor by the very people he looks upto. to be assigned the role of hot-headed fuck-up despite all his attempts to be useful, to prove himself. but to have all of that fall on him all at once on top of (poorly) dealing with a near-death experience? yikes.

3.25. and the horrible, tragic, human part of it all is that donna and the others probably didn’t even know what they were doing to jason by piling on him like that? he’s a relative outsider to both rachel and the og titans. he’s an arrogant prick that’s easy to hate. without dick and gar to stand up for jason, he’s cornered by people who haven’t even gotten to the point of seeing him as a vulnerable kid that’s struggling, just like the rest of them.

3.5. and so the two robins perch on the ledge, each convinced that they are poison that will either kill or drive their friends away. it’s a fraught moment of connection that stops jason from jumping, but he doesn’t step away. both of them are on a precipice in more ways than one; i can only hope they help each other land on the right side.1

also, bruce wayne? send your sons to therapy MY GOD

4. kory and rachel using their awesome powers in concert to cure conner! kory using her cultural background to connect to and help conner! conner mumbling in kryptonian! krypto fucking shooting across the sky with eve on his back! in such a sad and intense episode, it’s important to remember that some fantastic things happened as well!

5. here’s the thing: i don’t think dick killed jericho in the way that he probably thinks he does. dick is a hugely unreliable narrator--that’s been his Thing since s1. part of me thinks jericho should be dead; whatever happened with him and the titans has been built up to be such an earth-shattering event that it would kinda be cheating if he survived anyway. the other bigger part of me says: fuck that noise. JOEY WILSON LIVES, and that’s that

6. gar was sleeping? are you kidding me??? i’m assuming deathstroke drugged him or something so that he wouldn’t be there to Talk Sense and stop these melodramatic fools from tearing into each other. i can only hope that there’s some Big Plans for him down the line. 

[transbionic-shieldmaiden]

a really long post about my stupid HRT adventure

cw medical stuff, tumors.

context: there was a post about getting on HRT that I read but I decided this was too personal to go in a reblog. donut rebagel, but feel free to reply.

ohhhh man, so like obviously i’m glad other people have had a better time than I when it comes to getting on hrt but i really gotta rant about the issues i had, because I had a hell of a time getting it DESPITE NOT ACTUALLY RUNNING INTO GATEKEEPING. so, story time:

this got long, so have a read more.

So I have executive dysfunction, which I cannot recommend. For me at least it comes in a package deal with a bunch of plasticbrains things I’m very much a fan of (stims! hyperfocus! being trans!), but I’d still very much like to not deal with it. And I also have social anxiety. Which overall is not a great combination of issues for dealing with the medical system.

Case in point: figuring out I’m trans was the catalyst for getting me to actually seek therapy (at MIT medical, which -- sidenote -- is free for students and I can’t recommend them highly enough), but what this actually meant was I took basically an entire semester to make the phone call to get an appointment, which was scheduled for a month after the call*. So far so great.

Anyway, as my therapy continued I kept coming in and complaining about dysphoria and being like “man i wish i could start hrt! but i won’t, because that involves talking to strangers :(” and eventually my therapist was like “so like. regular medical, which can prescribe hrt, is literally one floor below us. i can walk you down and schedule an appointment right now.”

and i was like “uhhhh wait i didn’t actually want my problem solved that means i have to talk to strangers!!!” but like obviously this was the social anxiety talking because i did actually want hrt. so my therapist walked me down to medical and i scheduled an appointment with the one Trans Doctor (tee-em) at MIT medical (like seriously this woman is as far as I can tell the PCP for like half of MIT’s trans population, we stan).

so the way this worked out is I needed three appointments: one intake appointment which was largely informational, one appointment with a physical checkup and a blood draw, and finally an appointment once the blood draw results came in. So I went in to the firs appointment, scheduled the second once it was done, and then MIT medical stole my blood.

And when that appointment was done I...didn’t schedule the third.

Cue several months passing due to executive dysfunction and social anxiety.

So I finally get myself together enough to schedule the last appointment, and I go in...and it turns out I have abnormally low testosterone. And I was all ready to be like “Oh no...isn’t that a shame...how terrible...” but the problem is, low testosterone in conjunction with my other blood metrics...was possibly a sign of a brain tumor.

That sounds worse than it actually is -- the brain tumor in question would’ve been benign, so it wouldn’t have been cancer. It does occasionally lead to blindness however, and low testosterone from said tumor would obviously not be very visible once I was taking spironolactone. So we needed to make sure I didn’t have a tumor before we could proceed with HRT. I was sent to take another blood test, optimized for the time of day when testosterone levels peak, and was therefore in the strange situation of being a trans woman hoping for high testosterone levels on a blood test.

Alas, it seems I was truly too trans for my own good, for it turns out the second test was even lower than the first.

This meant I had to go in for another blood test, and I had to get an MRI. And of course remember that every appointment I make here means 3-5 weeks depending on scheduling, all while I’m engaging in the standard MIT pastime of drowning in psets. Which is not fun when you’re depressed from dysphoria, let me tell you.

The MRI rolls around and it’s in this area of the Boston metro area Where The T Dares Not Go. There’s a bus stop near the clinic, but I have only been on an MBTA bus once and I really didn’t want to miss my appointment. So I hop in a lyft and soon it’s time for me to go in the Big Science Tube.

So here’s the thing about the Big Science Tube. It’s loud, it’s cramped, and in my case at least you get pumped with Contrast Juice which like goes in your brain or something? idk i’m not an MRI tech. I actually found it to be a not entirely unpleasant experience, because it sort of feels like you’re in a cryosleep chamber or something and I’m a huge nerd. But it’s also...massively disorienting. You can’t move, your vision is limited to the inside surface of a white cylinder, the whole thing is making Noise and vibrating, there’s the Contrast Juice sloshing in your brain...Oh, and at least in my case they let me listen to satellite radio while i was vibing in the science tube. Thing is, I don’t generally like radio music, since I tend to like individual songs more than genres, so I picked the jazz station. I figured this would ensure fairly enjoyable music the whole time, instead of a weird roller-coaster of songs I like, songs I hate, and songs I haven’t heard (the vast majority).

While I stand by this analysis in general, I do not recommend jazz as the soundtrack to the big science tube.

All this is to say that by the time I got out, I was extremely out of it and loopy. Oh, I also forgot to mention: I did not sleep well the night before. My sleep schedule is a mess at the best of times, and I was very nervous. So I am...completely off the shits by this point, not to mention extremely hungry and thirsty. They tell you to drink a lot to flush the Contrast Juice from your system, so that works out OK. In theory.

I get out, stand by the bus station for a bit, and conclude the bus isn’t coming. I walk across the street to a McDonalds, figuring I could really use some food and liquid. Which was correct.

...Except the bus came and went while I was in there, and looking at the schedule on my phone revealed I’d have to wait another half an hour for another.

This is where I make a terrible mistake. I look at my map, see that Harvard...isn’t too far from where I am, and Harvard has a T station! Perfect! So I, completely loopy from the MRI, still dehydrated because I haven’t gotten nearly enough liquids from McDonalds, decide to WALK TO HARVARD. It was a 30 minute walk, through unfamiliar territory, and I cannot stress this enough: I. Was. Off. The. Shits.

So I walk to Harvard using my phone’s GPS and whatever brain cells were not full of Contrast Juice, somehow managing to navigate through this random neighborhood and over the bridge without getting too lost or getting hit by a car. As I reach Harvard, I realize that this is a bad place for me to be in my current mental state: it’s bustling, full of standard college craziness; i think there was a guy in a chocolate bar costume which I could not process at the time. Oh, and I’ve never been to the Harvard T station so in my condition I struggle to find it. And when I do get there...well, here’s the thing about the Harvard T station: It’s huge. There’s several floors of underground bus terminals and an absolute warren of tunnels. Perfectly navigable, if you’re sober or know the area.

I am of course none of these things.

Still, somehow I find my way to the train, but that wasn’t even the end of my problems! Because, you see, my dorm is twenty minutes from the nearest T stop! So even once I get back to MIT I still have lots of walking to do. I don’t remember how I got back at that point; I think it involved a lot of drinking fountains.

Anyway, I guess this was supposed to be about me getting HRT? So it takes a while for the MRI results to get back, but it turns out I don’t have a tumor. However, in the meantime my parents have been pushing for me to freeze some sperm cells, so that I can have kids someday. Here’s the thing: I do not want kids. I do not expect to ever want kids. And if that changes, I’d be quite happy to adopt kids. But my parents are offering to pay for it, and the risk-averse part of my brain is like “oh...maybe i should do it...just in case???”

It takes me a month to actually call a fertility clinic. In the meantime, I am struggling in my classes; dysphoria is not conducive to educational success. It was not a good time to be me, let’s just put it that way. Finally, I make the call, and uhhhh it turns out sperm freezing is really expensive? And you have to go in for an intake appointment...then do some tests...and then...

So at this point I say, fuck it! And I get on HRT the next week. In total it took me like...a year to get on HRT, depending on how you count it? And all this without anyone actually gatekeeping me on being an Invalid Trans or whatever. But it’s all good, because now I’m far happier and more together than I ever thought I can be. The moral of this story is: HRT good, executive dysfunction bad, and don’t wander through Harvard while completely off the shits from MRI aftereffects.

*this is the one issue with MIT medical; their services are great but also in high demand. the system is a bit better once you actually get into it though.

[mysterylover123]

Maiko + Tropes

Back to Avatar the Last Airbender, where it all started. It’s time to do tropes for my ATLA OTP: Zuko/Mai. Prepare for some teenage grouchiness. (Sourced from TVTropes.) Also, Spoilers

1. ADORKABLE

Mai:  Mai is not normally very adorkable, but around Zuko she gets all giggly and blushy. They express their love in very awkward and adorable ways. The B-story in "Nightmares and Daydreams" is a good example.

Zuko: All of his attempts to be a normal and friendly guy end up charming failures. Notably, he practices an apology to a frog, then proceeds to demand an answer.

2. ANTI-VILLAIN

Mai: Though not to the extent of Ty Lee (what with being a Jerk with a Heart of Gold instead of a straight-on Nice Girl), she is still only going up against the good guys because she works under someone who is evil.

Zuko:  An early episode contrasts him with Zhao, who only wants to find the Avatar to bring himself glory while Zuko was only even there is to complete a mission so his father will love him.

3. BETA COUPLE

Mai:  With Zuko. 

Zuko: With Mai. While Aang and Katara dance around the issue, they're snuggling and watching sunsets. Flipped on its head in the comics, where Zuko and Mai go through a bad breakup while Aang and Katara are relatively stable Sickeningly Sweethearts.

4. BIRDS OF A FEATHER

Mai: With Zuko. They're both perpetually frowning Emo Teens with some kind of family issuewho are from the Fire Nation and use bladed weapons.

Zuko: With Mai. They're both perpetually frowning Emo Teens with some kind of family issue who are from the Fire Nation and use bladed weaponsWith Katara. They're both willful, compassionate, and emotional individuals who lost their respective mothers at a young age and are about equal in terms of bending abilities.

5. BROKEN BIRD

Mai: Her mother treated her like a liability instead of a daughter, was not allowed hobbies or even to speak unless spoken to, and her only friends were Ty Lee and Azula. No wonder Mai is so cynical and bitter.

Zuko: A rare male example; any innocence he had was lost between his father's and sister's abuse.

6. BROODING BOY, GENTLE GIRL

Mai: Zig zagged with Zuko — Both manage to be both with each other. For the brooding part, they both come from a dysfunctional family which led to them becoming Broken Birds but in different ways (Zuko having anger issues and Mai suppressing her emotions). As for the gentle part, both encourage one another to express themselves in healthier, non-problematic ways.

Zuko: Zig zagged with Mai — Both manage to be both with each other. For the brooding part, they both come from a dysfunctional family which led to them becoming Broken Birds but in different ways (Zuko having anger issues and Mai suppressing her emotions). As for the gentle part, both encourage one another to express themselves in healthier, non-problematic ways.Katara is the gentle girl to Zuko's brooding boy - they are a platonic variation of this trope, despite the Ship Tease.There's a very brief moment of this with Toph and Zuko - in "The Ember Island Players", Toph comforts Zuko while he's angsting over his Uncle. They go back to being Like Brother and Sister, though, when she punches him and informs him that "That's how I show affection."

7. CHARLES ATLAS SUPERPOWER

Mai: While turning her back on Azula at the Boiling Rock, she managed to consistently pin several guards onto solid metal architecture, using the same knives with which she attacks everything and everyone else. More passively, she's on even footing with the average elite bender, such as Early-Season-2 Katara and half the Terra Team sent to attack The Drill.

Zuko: While one of the most visibly muscular characters, he once punches a person across a room, and is seen shattering iron, steel, and wood with his kicks. All that training has served him well. Might be a result of Iroh's training: even among the Fire Nation, Iroh and Zuko are the only ones to display superhuman strength unrelated to bending.

8. CHILDHOOD FRIEND  ROMANCE

Mai: In a flashback, we see her admiring Zuko from afar as kids.

Zuko: With Mai. There's a flashback to Puppy Love.

9. DEADPAN SNARKER

Mai: Has a very dry sense of humor.

Zuko: Since Zuko's the most ill-tempered character in the show, this is a given. He's actually a lot like Katara in that respect: particularly sarcastic in books one and two, less so for a part of book three, and then more so for the other half.For instance, after some random kids threw an egg at Earth Kingdom soldiers, they blame Zuko, who continually denies it. It eventually leads to this exchange:Gow: The egg had to come from somewhere! Zuko: Maybe a chicken flew over.He also manages to get in a few good ones at Sokka, of all people:Zuko: I think I'm a little past your level, Sokka. Why don't you practice with the Duke or something. Sokka: The Duke? But he's, like, eight years old! Zuko: He should be a good match for you, then.Even eight-year-old Zuko gets in on the action.Azula : You waste all your time playing with knives. You're not even good! Zuko : Put an apple on your head and we'll find out how good I am!

10. DEFROSTING ICE KING/QUEEN

Mai: Much like her boyfriend, except it takes her longer to thaw.

Zuko:  It takes two and a half seasons, but he thaws with The Power of Friendship.

11. DUDE/CHICK MAGNET

Mai: Besides Zuko, another teen flirted with her in "The Beach", and Kei Lo admits to genuinely liking her.

Zuko: Sometimes in a relationship with Mai. He has loads of Ship Tease with Katara and a temporary love interest in the one-off character of Jin. The comics also have him being ship teased with Suki. Has almost as much onscreen romance as Sokka, plus a fan club and a bunch of random girls that swoon over him at the beach.

12. EERIE PALE SKINNED BRUNETTE

Mai: Emphasizing her emo personality.

Zuko: During the first season, where he has chalk-white skin coupled with a black ponytail. It later evens out slightly; sometimes his hair is dark brown instead of straight black, and he adopts a very slight tan that takes the edge off the eerie. That said, cutting off the ponytail and growing his hair out properly probably also helped.

13. HIDDEN DEPTHS

Mai: The gloomy knife thrower is a Cool Big Sis after off-screen Character Development.

Zuko: Badass, Determinator, Evil Prince -turned- The Atoner, is also a Momma's Boy and a lover of Turtleducks. In the "Ember Island Players", he gives hints that he likes theater, but just dislikes that specific group because while they have great special effects, they tend to butcher their stories. He admits to Toph that he's been doing Angst? What Angst? for some time, but the play is opening some hidden wounds.Toph: "Oh come on. Lighten up. They're just having fun." Zuko: "Fun? Of course you (Toph) like it. They made you a big buff guy! But to me... they're taking all the mistakes I made and throwing them right back in my face."His Uncle has indicated numerous times Zuko is also skilled with the fictional Tsungi horn.

14. JERK WITH A HEART OF GOLD

Mai: Generally quite a jerk but she has a soft spot for Zuko.

Zuko: He's Hot-Blooded and can still be quite rude, but Zuko is a good hearted person.

15. KICK THE DOG

Mai: In her first appearance, she turns down a hostage deal for her own infant brother.In the comics she dishes out a lot of emotional abuse against Zuko, although she still claims to care for him. She jokes about his death, his choice of friends after meeting Aang, and talks about how awful he is in general to Kei Lo.

Zuko: Often when he was in danger of becoming too nice, at least until his formal Heel–Face Turn in Book 3.

16. LONELY RICH KID

Mai: She has no friends other Ty-Lee and Azula, and they were off at the circus or war.

Zuko: He is the banished prince of the Fire Nation, but you can literally count the people who genuinely care for him on one hand (Iroh, Mai and Ursa). Eventually subverted when he makes his Heel–Face Turn, after which he becomes part of Aang's True Companions.

17. LOVE REDEEMS

Mai:  She follows Zuko in Heel–Face Turn because of his turn and her love for him.

Zuko: Averted with Mai. He leaves her before switching to the good side and the two don't reconcile their relationship until after the final battle. Instead it was familial love for Iroh, whom he acknowledges as his true father figure and role model, that redeems him. The shame he feels for betraying his uncle's trust is part of what compels him to make his Heel–Face Turn. He also influenced Mai to follow suit and betray Azula.

18. THE MASOCHISM TANGO

Mai: Her relationship with Zuko is not healthy. The two love each other but their conflicting morals and lack of communication leads to countless fights and their constant break-ups. She spends pages in Avatar: The Last Airbender – Smoke and Shadow describing what a horrible boyfriend Zuko is and how badly a relationship with him had hurt her. This leads to her making harsh jokes at his expense and she expresses the need for her to "move on" by dating Kei Lo.

Zuko: Has this type of relationship with Mai. They love each other but constantly fight, do not understand each other, have different morals and are always breaking up only to get back together again. Mai tells Kei Lo about how miserable Zuko makes her feel and she later says it to Zuko's face about how much of an idiot she was to date him.

19. MEANINGFUL NAME

Mai: Mai is the Cantonese pronunciation of 袂 meaning "sleeve of a robe", which is where Mai conceals her weapons.Her name is phonetically similar to the Japanese mei (冥, めい), meaning "dark", which is relatable to her gloomy personality.

Zuko: Zuko's name is written in Chinese characters which read as "ancestor's robber". It may or may not be intentional, but Zuko is an actual name in a Filipino dialect. Its meaning? "Madness" or "Angry." And he spends a lot of time angry in the show...

20. MUGGLE-MAGE ROMANCE

Mai:  In a relationship with Zuko.

Zuko: In a relationship with non-bender Mai.

21. NEW OLD FLAME

Mai: She and Zuko are a textbook "skip all the boring foreplay and get right to the intensity." Contrast with the heroic Official Couple, who were in the foreplay stage for fifty episodes. In this case we see a flashback of them as Childhood Friends before the reunion.

Zuko: Zuko and Mai are a textbook "skip all the boring foreplay and get right to the intensity." Contrast with the heroic Official Couple, who were in the foreplay stage for fifty episodes. In this case, we see a flashback of them as Childhood Friends before the reunion.

22. NOBLE DEMON

Mai: She may be on Azula's side, but she's not evil.

Zuko: Character Development for him in Season 1. He goes from burning down the Kyoshi Warriors' village in his pursuit of Aang to abandoning a later pursuit to keep his soldiers safe. Even right from the start, he threatens the South Pole villagers to get information on the Avatar but when Aang promises to come quietly if he leaves the Water tribe alone, Zuko agrees (and keeps his word).

23. OPPOSITES ATTRACT

Mai: She and Zuko somehow manage to be this and Birds of a Feather. Despite their apparent similarities, their temperaments are completely opposite: Zuko is a Hot-Blooded Determinator, whereas Mai is an emotionless Defrosting Ice Queen.

Zuko:  He and Mai somehow manage to be this and Birds of a Feather. Despite their apparent similarities, their temperaments are completely opposite: Zuko is a Hot-Blooded Determinator, whereas Mai is an emotionless Defrosting Ice Queen.

24. PERPETUAL FROWNER

Mai: Even when she's cuddling with her boyfriend she's frowning.

Zuko: "I'm never happy." Though it is averted around Mai, and after he joins Team Avatar.

25. RED ONI, BLUE ONI

Mai: The blue to Ty Lee's red. Or, since Ty Lee describes Mai's aura as grey, and hers as pink, Mai's the Grey Oni to Ty Lee's Pink Oni.

Zuko: The emotional, easily angered Red Oni to his sister's calculating, eerily calm Blue Oni, though it's reversed after her Villainous Breakdown. This is enforced by the colors of the Flames they produce; Zuko's flames are red/orange, while Azula's are blue.The hot-tempered, loud Red Oni to Aang's positive, peace-loving Blue Oni, which is visualized through their facial markings (red scar vs. blue tattoos)

26. RELATIONSHIP REVOLVING DOOR

Mai: She is in a constant on-off relationship with Zuko. It's unstable to say the least. They get together only to break things off a few months later. They make up but then decide to call it quits again. It is supposed to be a contrast to Aang and Katara's solid relationship.

Zuko:  His relationship with Mai is complicated and...unstable to say the least. They break up at least twice in the series and once again in the comics.

27. SOUR OUTSIDE SAD INSIDE

Mai: Like Zuko, she acts cold as a result of her past.

Zuko: He may act abrasive, but knowing his past, it's not hard to see why.

28. TALL DARK AND SNARKY

Mai: A raven-haired Snark Knight. It's a trait she shares with Zuko.

Zuko: Tallest teenager in the series with raven hair and a cynical attitude.

29. TOOK A LEVEL IN BADASS

Mai: Mai already established herself as a badass (but quiet and knife obsessed) Lady of War took a level in badass in the episode "The Boiling Rock, Part 2". Mai took out 13 prison guards and freed the gondola line to help Zuko and company escape the boiling rock prison...and Princess Azula. Although this could just be a case of Mai being Not So Stoic.

Zuko: He gradually improves throughout the series, but he makes dramatic improvements in season 3. It's then he learns to redirect the most powerful of lightning, holds his own against his sister, casually raise a huge fire tunnel that engulfs an entire hallway, and most importantly, firebends without relying on rage.

30. UNDYING LOYALTY

Mai: To Zuko. Even when their relationship is on the rocks, she remains loyal. Two instances: the Boiling Rock encounter where Zuko explains his treason and desertion and inspires her to defy Azula herself, and again in the "Rebound" free comic day issue where she discovers her father wants to use her as an insider against Zuko in a bid to put Ozai back on the throne.

Zuko: This is Zuko's greatest weakness and greatest strength. Loyalty kept Zuko on the side of his father and sister long after he stopped seeing things their way, but when he finally made up his mind to join Aang, he took a lot of punishment from them without complaint to win their trust, and he protected them over and over. In the sequel, Zuko abdicated the throne, naming his daughter Fire Lord, so that he could travel the world after Aang's death, to keep their dream alive while the Avatar could not.

31. WHEN HE/SHE SMILES

Mai: Just like her boyfriend, she frowns so often that she looks really cute when she smiles genuinely.

Zuko:  The poor guy is frowning so often (and for good reason), the few times he gives a genuine smile are really heartwarming.

32. WELL, EXCUSE ME PRINCESS

Mai: To Zuko. She doesn't put up with his angsting.

Zuko: Something of a male version of this trope in regards to Mai. She doesn't put up with his brooding and temperamental nature, instead encouraging him to lighten up.

[icantlose]

Krystal doesn’t need some creepy nineteen year old from bumfuck nowhere that posts pictures of their dog on tumblr showcasing a filthy background providing proof that the dog is living in disgusting conditions with a stained carpet, complete with clutter on the floor, visible cotton spilling out of very dirty dog toys that are piled up on a dirt-covered linoleum floor laying next to a set of drawers that have been spilled on and whose owners were clearly uninterested in cleaning it up because they were too preoccupied in wasting time pissing everyone in the Star Fox fandom off on the fuckin’ internet by shoving his own headcanons into the faces of every member that has ever told a story or roleplayed with other people interested in each others’ ideas. Clean your gross shit up before thinking it’s appropriate to spend time acting like this online.

Of course Pigma is redeemable, every villain-character can be redeemable. Fiction is fuckin’ fiction, it’s not the goddamn tablets of stone written by the finger of God. But because your dense-ass isn’t capable of looking at the world past your goddamn nose, all you can manage is writing shit like this to authors that you asked questions. The idea of roleplaying and writing fanfiction is to share ideas and encourage creativity. All you ever do is hammer everything down into the most boring, stale and vanilla bullshit -- I mean, Christ, you dislike a ton of Star Fox titles, why do you even fuckin’ care so much?  Writing down a sweet anecdote between Wolf and Pigma isn’t an attempt to redeem Pigma; I am giving Pigma a chance to be a dynamic character--something that you’ve been incapable of fathoming, ESPECIALLY with Krystal. Dynamic character draw in readers’ interest and encourages readers to care about the character enough to look at them from different, creative perspectives and hopefully encourages writers to understand the complexity of villain characters. Pigma is an an important name in this story and he should be treated better than the way you treat him. He’s done shitty things, yes, but without him Star Fox wouldn’t be Star Fox. I’m not justifying his crimes, I’m just giving the people who pay attention to this blog an opportunity to look at the character from a new light. Wolf isn’t Fox, so he doesn’t view Pigma the same way Fox would. You’re a budding author, right? You post to FF.net all the goddamn time. Take two seconds to educate yourself and practice dynamic thinking. You’ll benefit from it as a writer. 

I mean, fuck, you’re sitting there, trying to goad me, while I’m writing this response to you. Likely still neglecting the space in which your poor dog is forced to occupy because once again pissing people off on the internet ABOUT FUCKIN’ KRYSTAL is more important to you than your poor fuckin’ dog! You know what I want from you, what I want you to say here? Nothing. I don’t give a fuck about your idiot-fuckin’-ideas regarding your perfect Star Fox scenario. Don’t turn this around on me, you fuckin’ prick, YOU  asked me what MY WOLF’S opinion was. It was MY TURN, NOT YOURS. People aren’t asking for your shitty opinions and bullshit criticisms on ROLEPLAY POSTS ON TUMBLR so STOP FUCKIN’ GIVIN’ EM UNLESS YOU’RE ASKED.

And the worst part is, you have the fuckin’ AUDACITY, THE GALL, THE GODDAMN BALLS to tell everybody that your behavior is supposed to be excused because you have a social disorder and because mommy and daddy decided they couldn’t stay married when you were little. 

FUCK THAT.

Y’know, I understand that it’s something that you struggle with, being on the spectrum, and everything--that is why I’ve been the most patient with you out everybody--but you CANNOT, YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT--CAN. NOT.--use it as an excuse for and to explain away your shitty actions. There are a LARGE portion of people that fight ADHD every fuckin’ day in this fandom, some of those whom you’ve interacted with. Guess what, bud? There are a fuckin’ metric TON of us that have divorced parents. You’re talkin’ to a child of divorce right fuckin’ now--and I bet you you wouldn’t have fuckin’ guessed. You’re egging on a child of divorce, right now! But I don’t use my past as a chance to explain away actions towards you. You’re talkin’ to a child of one of the most dysfunctional American families you can ever imagine and I’m not waving my personal bullshit around like fuckin’ flag to protect myself every time I fuck up in this community. I have chronic depression and extreme PTSD, but you have NEVER seen me use the shit I’m dealing with offline to shield myself. The only time I’ve ever made public mention of it is in my rules section of this blog, which explains that often my home-life makes activity difficult to keep up with. Otherwise, I handle my shit. I’ve done my best to keep my Is dotted and my Ts crossed. I’ve got lotsa shit I don’t agree in this fandom, as do the rest of us. Yet N O B O D Y  B U T  Y O U act like this. Using what you struggle with as an excuse is NOT OKAY. It is NOT A REASON TO START FIGHTS AND FLAME AUTHORS. And ALL of your behavior has been an insult to ALL OF US. Every single one of us on this platform, on Twitter, on FF.net, and on DeviantART, have something they face every fuckin’ day. Those of us on the spectrum, those of us who are a child of divorce, and those who fight attention disorders, those of us who have serious depression, those of us who live through abuse, those of us who have extreme anxiety disorders, those of us who struggle with identity. All of us have something. It is not a permission slip and how fuckin’ dare you act like it is?!

Stop fuckin’ acting like this. Stop telling everyone how “sorry” you are and then still fuckin’ proceed to act the way that you do, across multiple fuckin’ platforms within multiple groups of Star Fox fans.

You are a big boy, Jacob. It’s time fuckin’ act like one.

Instead of sending me more worthless messages, how about you get off the internet and go clean your disgusting room. 

[indigo-ra]

1 Bad Dream

So. I almost didn’t want to post anything here, but I think it’s worth it to at least touch on the trend of dreams I have been having lately.  For a while I haven’t been remembering my dreams, and in my waking life I was concerned that because I haven’t been as diligent in recording them, that I might be losing my oneiric touch. It seems as soon as I thought this, I had earned  a little vacation time to play a little. My second job is mostly training and I never remember it after I wake up, because that’s just how it works. The past week has been parties. I have been surrounded by celebrities and familiar faces in all my dreams and having these incredible social gatherings. One time Sanaa Lathan was hosting, Chris Rock said my boobs were lopsided and I instantly threw my shirt off, and started asking “They are, right?! Is it really that bad?! Can you tell?” making EVERYBODY there pretty much shrink away in terror, embarrassment or laughter. I don’t actually remember ever putting the shirt back on... but the point is everybody had fun. Until last night.

I know I don’t much talk about my life in depth here, but my relationship with my mother is not good. My relationship with my entire family at this point is not good, and it’s not because of anything I’ve done.  If you can imagine someone falling on hard times financially and helping them out, you can somewhat identify. But the part that gets strange is that the family members that were all helping me became incredibly spiteful toward me for no visible reasons that I could ever pinpoint. There were no arguments about stuff like cleaning or money. It always became toxic because they wanted to use me or appropriate me in some demeaning way, and I always refused to be treated like a fucking slave. Even politely, this always landed me looking for another place to stay, because people only want to help you as much as they want you to help them, And I get that concept from strangers, but I naively thought my family would want to help just because they loved me. After all, that’s all they ever preach.

Anyway, after I finally got away from it all and moved to Korea, I have gained a sense of freedom, since I no longer feel like a burden to anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve run into my fair share of trouble with strangers too, but I at least expect strangers to try and fuck me over. My mom took it upon herself to invite herself to come and visit me. At first I tried to nudge her away from the prospect. I never had a melt-down that resulted in “Fuck you, I hate you, I never want to see you again” speech... so I guess she just took it to mean that we’re cool. She called me at 1 am on a school night to ask for my address out of the clear blue sky. It didn’t even come up organically in the conversation and it was way suspicious.  I’m groggy af, and I really want her to just get the fuck off the phone, but she’s just lingering like its 3PM on a weekend asking me about school and shit of course AFTER sh’es demanded to know my address. SO I ask ”why do you need it?”

She and my aunt who put me out, had me pack all my belongings, move out and drive an hour away in a car with no brakes in which I nearly died by T-boning (all in the same day), want to come and visit me. They want to start planning it early. I’m a sweetheart so I try and just get her off the phone because its 1AM and I just think I should be able to opt out of this conversation until later. But my mother is incredibly aggressive in all aspects of life and she’s pressing me until I literally have to say it’s “1AM. I have school tomorrow.” I get off the phone and she proceeds to text me. “I thought you were gonna send your address?” I ignore this and send an emergency email asking advice from the Buddhist Monks from my Vihara in DC.  Not gonna lie, I was shook. I couldn’t fall back asleep, thinking about her “dropping in” on me just so she can try and subjugate me in her tyrannical, dominating way like a piece of trash on a leash. That she still has this kind of effect on me to the point of making me totally anxious almost had me on the verge of panicking. The part that I’m conflicted about is that I love her, so I don’t want to hurt her feelings, even though she never thinks that far in advance when it comes to sparing mine.

Some time later, she calls me again and is up to no good.The way she keeps asking me the same questions that I’ve answered time and again, signifies that she either isn’t listening, doesn’t really care about my replies, or is masking her intent. In any case, it’s suspicious. After the egregious small talk she gets down to the nitty-gritty asking for my address again and I let her down gently. I  simply told her  that I’m not ready to host a reunion. She had said she was going to stay in a hotel, but it didn’t matter, I need my space and I wasn’t ready to see her or my aunt for that matter.  If I lived in the USA right now, I don’t think that reply would have stopped her. I think she would have shown up anyway. She seemed a little hurt by it and I felt bad, seeing her like that. I wanted to take it back, yet I didn’t. So, I knew it was the right thing to do. My mother is like Jessica Lange playing “The Supreme” in Season 3 of American Horror Story: Coven. Possibly worse. After a few days I began to feel calm again, and that, alone, validated my decision... Then, last night I got a reminder of who I’m dealing with. I brought my daughter home to America to meet my family (I’ve been debating this in real life). My mom wanted to take us somewhere and I tell her to set up the car seat. My daughter was sound asleep  and my mom dismissed me (like she is wont to do when I say ANYTHING that makes sense, but sounds too bossy) Like: “Girl I know how to drive! Just put the baby in the car, damn! Let’s go.”

So then I set heh sleeping baby down and I started setting up the baby car seat. My mom jumps in the car and starts it up all of a sudden. I hurry up and jump in the passengers side, ASAP, before she can take off without me. She is FLYING down the highway.

I’m like “Stop this fucking car and set up the car seat right now or I’m calling the cops!  Are you crazy!? This is not legal and you might kill my baby!!!!!” She’s accelerating faster by the second and so I get my phone out, heart in my throat, praying she don’t crash this fucking car being a psychopathic witch and as I’m about to dial 911, she drives directly into a huge snowbank on the curb of the highway that should have flipped the car. But the car didn’t flip. This is how I know I’m not *JUST* dreaming. She says: “I’ll flip this car over if you call the police!!!!” I look at her and say “YOU  JUST TRIED TO DO IT!!!!!!!! YOU WERE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE, MY LIFE AND THE LIFE OF MY CHILD OVER NOTHING!”

She’s still speeding, mind you. I’m like, “YOU CAN’T THINK THIS WILL GO OVER WELL FOR YOU IN THE AFTERLIFE.” or something to that effect, to which she then sneered, looking like that might have gotten to her a bit. 

 We continue this heated argument back at the house, where she has shut down and is now ignoring me after she just attempted to kill me and my baby and I just look down at my daughter, who I laid down on the bed, watching her chest rise and fall to ensure she’s still breathing, thinking she shouldn’t have had to be exposed to this kinda of psychological dysfunction EVER, let alone at age 2. It’s making me emotional right now. I don’t even have a kid, but I know what mama bear feels like. AND, By the way, this incident or something close to it has actually occurred, with just the 2 of us in the car, so I don’t put this dream scenario past her for one second. WHY she behaves this way is anybody’s fucking guess, but it’s definitely something I could see her doing. I took it as a cautionary tale. I had seriously been considering whether or not, IF I got married, IF I would introduce my children to my family... This was my answer.

It hurts me, but I have this strange looming feeling that if I took my little newborn baby to meet my older sister, she’d “accidentally” find a way to chuck her down some stairs or worse. It sucks because I’ll have to deal with them all crying that it’s betrayal when I’ve gotten insight from dreams and just from the reality of noting their patterns of behavior.

I’d rather have my kids grow up healthy, not knowing anything about them, than end up dead or sitting in a court room, sending somebody away for murder and crying about my irreparably shattered dreams and future, just because I was naive enough to think my children could meet my family without them being violently possessed by a legion of demons. Silly me.

I’ll end it here. Because some of my work is classified.