#and proceeding to call every encounter with him an 'anxiety attack' in my notes

[greens-multiverse]

Friends, fellow-fandomers, random tumblrite passers-by, I have completed my first nuzlocke!

Yes, despite being in the fandom for just over a decade now, and hanging out in exactly the kind of places you tend to find nuzlockers, I'd somehow never completed the challenge before. I had planned to, I'd even given it a try - I've had a way-too-ambitious idea for a series taking up space in the back of my head for far too long - and I rapidly came to the conclusion that before I went all in on a long series of pseudo-hardcore, gift-and-trade-pokémon-only, fully-written-out nuzlockes, I should probably get myself used to the challenge with something simpler first. So for now I'm playing through the games I skipped past during my catchup playthroughs ten years ago (Yellow, Crystal, Sapphire, and Pearl) with the basic nuzlocke rules and a few personal additions:

Dupes clause - except it only applies to the specific pokémon I encounter, not their entire evolutionary line. If it has a ball next to its name, I can't catch it!

The run's not over until I've beaten everyone I can without connecting to another game or entering a battle facility, postgame trainers and legendaries included.

Before I start each game, I make a list of the lowest-levelled pokémon of each gym leader, the champion, and any really important postgame trainers (I call that last part the 'Red clause.') Aside from that, and a list of when wild pokémon learn exploding moves I made a while ago, I'm not allowed to look anything up!

With those rules in mind, after... way too long honestly my habit of playing a dozen pokémon games at once obviously had nothing to do with it I've finally finished Yellow! The challenge wasn't as hard for me as I know it's been for some people, I made it out with 51 pokémon caught and six deaths, three of which really hurt. I've been through Kanto enough times there weren't any big surprises, though seeing the little changes made to the region was always fun. With that, it's time to put on the RBY Hall of Fame music, and introduce you all to the boys!

MNS, short for Massive Nidoking Superiority, caught as a Nidoran♂ on Route 22. His original nickname was Pachy, but I changed it to MNS after I got into the habit of writing 'massive nidoking superiority' in my journal whenever he came in clutch. He proved to be quite versatile with the power to back it up, especially in mid-game, and while later on he got a little outclassed by the more specialist members of the party, when they needed to step out of a fight he was always there to jump in and clean up.

Ogrei-T, initially just Ogrei, caught as a spearow on Route 3. Out of all the pokémon I could have gotten on that route, a spearow was easily the least interesting, so I thought 'oh great,' named him Ogrei, and threw him in a box as soon as I caught something with better type coverage. There he stayed until Rock Tunnel, when the pokémon I was planning to make my flyer, Evenstar the charmeleon, got blown up by a graveler after a mistimed dig. He was the best option I had to replace her, so I pulled him out, and when I discovered he really was pretty great I added a T to the end of his name. He was very good at what he did, and that thing was using drill peck on bugs, plants, and muscly dudes. For a pokémon I expected to fill up space in my boxes the whole game, he acquitted himself really well.

Trevor, alias Trevs, alias the gift bulbasaur from Cerulean City. Him and Dest fulfilled pretty much the same role on the battlefield, taking out ground and rock types, tanking explosions, performing HM duties (though Trevs had cut instead of surf.) Dest was a bit better at those jobs by the end, but they never lost that bash-brother synergy, and I could always rely on both of them to protect the rest of the boys... until, in Cerulean Cave, I suddenly couldn't. I sent Trevor out against a graveler when he was around half health, and it crit explosion. The only member of my final team who didn't make it to the end of the run, I left his spot in the party open as a memorial - for him, and for everyone else we'd lost.

Guildern, caught as an abra on Route 6. I hate to say it, but while all the boys are great, Guildern was certainly the least... versatile. He could rain psychic death on our opponents, no problem, but thanks to a paucity of TMs he could learn, that was the only thing he could do, and since I didn't realise that until I'd overwritten psybeam with psychic, he could only do it ten times before he ran out of PP. Still, he was very, very good at his one trick, and though he didn't see as much battle as the others, when I needed something psychic'ed, he did a great job of it.

Dest-da-best, the gift squirtle from Vermilion City. My initial plan for my team was to build it around the Starters Three, and Dest was the only one of them to make it to the very end of the run. He was an amazing surfer, brilliant at bomb disposal, could take out anything weak to water or ice in, like, two hits max, and had enough bulk to overwhelm basically anything else. The blastoise line has always been my favourite of the Kanto starters, and Dest did his kinsfolk proud, time and time again. If I had to pick a run MVP, it'd be him, if only for all those explosions he tanked during grinding.

And finally, Halcha, formerly the eevee from Celadon City, who's not actually a boy but is nevertheless one of the boys. I wanted to beat the game with my starter pikachu, of course, but Jumps got multi-hit-crit to death on the routes north of Cerulean, and I figured my best back-up option was a jolteon - with pin missile, possibly the best anti-psychic build in Gen 1. Halcha did okay at that, but they were much better at electrocuting things, and though they weren't great at taking hits, half the time they zapped the other guy out of the way too fast for it to matter. In the deepest depths of Cerulean Cave, I fed them seven rare candies and set them on Mewtwo - and they actually did pretty well, handily outspeeding, paralysing, and whittling them down with thunderbolts. After everything I've heard about RBY Mewtwo, I'm taking this as proof that Halcha is something special.

This team didn't fully solidify until we picked up Halcha and Celadon, and it'd be wrong of me not to shout out a couple of mon who helped out a lot in getting to that point - Bert the butterfree, caught as a metapod in Viridian Forest, who handily took out Brock, and Sarno the dugtrio, caught as a diglett in Diglett's Cave, who dealt with Surge and filled Evenstar's spot on the team from her death until Halcha joined the party. There were several more pokémon who filled various spots on the team before the boys were assembled, but these two certainly did the most. Thanks, guys.

And, of course, it wouldn't be a nuzlocke writeup without a moment to honour the fallen. I've already mentioned Jumps the pikachu (Pallet Town to Route 25, levels 5-16, some asshole spearow got five critical fury attacks), Evenstar the charmeleon (Route 24 (as a gift charmander) to Rock Tunnel, levels 10-25, missed a dig under an exploding geodude at the worst possible moment), and Trevor the venusaur (Cerulean City (as a gift bulbasaur) to Cerulean Cave, levels 10-60, switched into a graveler at half health and it got a crit explosion), but we also lost Buivel the rattata (Route 2 to Nugget Bridge, levels 3-14, I forgot Nidoran♀ have double kick in this game), Mars the pidgey (Route 1 to Nugget Bridge (again), levels 4-15, some asshole mankey landed a critical low kick), and Duke the geodude (Mt. Moon to Route 24, levels 11-17, got outsped by a random wild oddish and crit absorb'd.) I really wasn't expecting the routes north of Cerulean to be such a meat-grinder, damn.

But even with those sacrifices, we've won the league, defeated Team Rocket, and explored every corner of Kanto. It's time for the surviving boys to get their well-deserved retirement, and for me to move on to Pokémon Crystal, where I hear I'll even get to pick a starter! It might take me a while to complete my research there, but whenever that is, I guarantee you guys are gonna hear about it. See you then!

[pllandcompany]

(now if we’re) talking body

Summary: Roman should have caught this. But he didn’t and now Logan’s falling.

Warnings: food mention, anxiety mention, brief description of a panic attack, eating disorder/disordered behavior (big one for this fic), self-destructive behavior, injury mention, brief blood mention, fainting, hospital mention, needle/IV mention, crying

Tagged:  @shxtxpp @apologieslogan  @crofters-jam @asylia5911 @ab-artist @band-be-boss-blog @unbefuckinglieveable@flyingfreeyt @thecatchat @thefallendog @backatthebein

Notes: Hey, remember that ice skating AU I came up with months ago? And I said I would definitely write in it? And then proceeded to crawl into a hole of my own shame never to be heard from again? Yeah, me neither, no idea where this came from. On a serious note: please heed the warnings on this one, y'all. The entire subject centers around someone struggling with an eating disorder. If that is triggering or upsetting to you, please don’t read it. Parts of it were honestly hard for me to write. If you do read it, I hope you find some sort of catharsis with it. Know that if you battle these issues or issues like it that you are not alone. There is always help so talk to someone. Reach out. Tell ANYONE who will listen. All right, loves, stay safe. 

If Roman is honest with himself, he has to admit that it took him just a bit too long to notice what was happening with Logan, for his taste at least. Logan is his competition, sure, but he’s also his friend in an ‘I hate you, please love me’ sort of way. He should have noticed sooner. Well, that’s not totally fair. He did notice some things. But for some reason, he just didn’t say anything. Maybe he was afraid. Maybe he wanted to be absolutely certain, maybe he just didn’t want to deal with it; he doesn’t know. What he does know is by the time he finally finds the bravery to connect the figurative dots, it’s almost too late.

It starts when Logan comes back from the off-season looking, well, different. He’s leaner, especially in his waist and legs, and while his body is certainly more…defined, it’s also definitely smaller than Roman remembers. It’s not a bad look by any means, it’s just very different, enough to make Roman pause and take stock of the svelte man in front of him.

“You’ve been training hard this off-season, Specs.” Roman means it to be an offhand comment but something in the way Logan’s shoulders stiffen makes him wonder if he should have said anything at all. Logan looks up slowly and blinks at the redhead, an impassive expression on his face.

“I always train in the off-season. It’s important to maintain strength and endurance so the transition into training at full capacity is less of a strain on the body.” He sounds like a textbook, the Skater’s Guide to Success or something and Roman stifles a chuckle, not wanting to offend his friend any further than he apparently has.

“I know that, Wikipedia. I mean that you must have been doing something different. But you look good! Just different than last year. You’re…smaller and more…muscle-y.” He rubs the back of his neck in an uncharacteristic display of insecurity, nervous that the tension radiating off the dark-haired skater is partly his fault.

“That is not a word but…thank you, I presume.” Logan looks so uncomfortable that Roman has to get up and leave, heading out to the rink before he even fully has his skates on.

“You’re welcome. I’ll, uh, see you out there.”

After that awkward encounter, Roman vows to not say anything else about Logan’s appearance.

****

The next thing Roman notices is Logan’s eating habits have changed.

It’s not like the boy had a huge appetite to begin with, typically electing to eat smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day. But lately, Logan has been skipping his snacks in favor of more practice time. Roman figures he just started making up for it at the normal scheduled mealtimes but when Logan comes in one day with just a small salad with no protein or dairy in it and then another day with a cup of grapes and some sliced apples, he realizes that he’s cut back there too. Regardless, he’s still eating and he still drinking water (he thinks) so it can’t be that bad, right? Shaking the worries from his head, Roman just barely brings himself back to reality in time to notice Logan’s stiffened up again, only this time the cause of it seems to be whatever Patton is saying to him.

“Logan, are you sure you’re not hungry? I have another piece of string cheese and a tangerine if you want it.”

Logan is sitting on the bench they’re sharing with his body slightly hunched over, arms folded across his stomach. To anyone else, he just looks a little cold but Roman can just barely make out the slight wince at the corners of his eyes. He’s definitely in pain and he’s definitely trying to hide it.

“I’m fine, Patton. I don’t need anything right now.” And Roman is certain that is a lie but he knows his teammate well enough not to directly call him on it. Patton, on the other hand, keeps pushing.

“Well, how about some water? Or a sports drink? You look like you might be cramping. You have been out there for a while without a break.”

“No, for God’s sake, I am fine, Patton! Will you please stop it with your incessant worrying?!” Logan snaps and immediately regrets it, doubling over as the effort of his anger causes another stitch to go shooting up his side, one he can’t cover up. Yet another thing that seems to be different; the usual picture of composure that Logan wears on the surface has slowly begun to dissipate, revealing a pulsing layer of frustrated magma underneath and more and more people have found themselves getting burned if they get too close. Patton, however, maintains a gentle look on his face even with the unexpected outburst but Roman can see the hurt and worry lurking in the bubbly skater’s brown eyes. He glances over at Roman briefly before standing up and preparing to walk away, leaning over for a moment. Roman cranes his neck to see Patton place a water bottle and the aforementioned fruit and cheese on the bench next to Logan. He seems to have recovered from his loss of temper and the subsequent cramp but now he is decidedly refusing to meet the older man’s eyes. Patton lays a gentle hand on Logan’s shoulder anyway and Roman braces for it to get knocked off but the moment never comes.

“Okay, honey. I’m sorry; I didn’t realize I was prying. But you need to take care of yourself, Logan. Food’s there if you want it.” Patton simply walks away after that, eyeing Roman sadly as he passes by. A moment passes before he steals another glance down the length of the bench at the now despondent Logan. He’s turning the small orange over in his hand, eyebrows furrowed in heavy deliberation over something that should be so simple. Roman knows better than that; he knows how complicated food can get for some people, especially athletes that compete at such a high level as they do. Admittedly, he never expected his overly logical teammate to ever struggle with something like this. Reason should surely step in and make this easy for the stoic skater, right?

When Logan eventually puts the fruit down and settles on taking a small sip from the water instead, it becomes clear that for him, this is very complicated.

****

Roman’s closing up the rink one night as a favor to his father when he gathers the courage to confront Logan about his recent change in behavior.

Trash is clear, showers are cleaned, doors are locked- you finished in record time, Roman Prince. He’s about to turn off the lights when he realizes that someone’s still on the ice. Roman is stunned, it’s well after eleven and it’s already been a full day of training. Who could possibly want to be practicing at this hour-

Logan. Of course.

Roman stands and watches for a minute as Logan glides across the ice, prepping for what looks to be his signature triple axel into a triple toe loop, a complicated sequence, sure, but nothing Logan hasn’t accomplished before. He figures he'll let Logan finish this element before he lets him it's time to go home-

Something's off.

Logan is far too tense. His shoulders are way too high. His legs seem wobbly and unsteady. And worst of all, he's not wearing any gloves, which would be concerning for anybody but is damn near insane for the typically pedantic skater who is more than happy to lecture everyone else about skate safety. It dawns on Roman just how long it's been since that man has walked into this arena.

And the man in front of him now? Couldn't be farther away from his normal picture of Logan if he tried.

Roman is just about to say something when Logan suddenly leaps into the air, attempting the jump. Right away, Roman can see plain as day that his approach is off and it throws his body out of alignment, causing Logan to over-rotate and come crashing down to the ice with a sickening smack.

Oh, God.

Thankfully, two things happen: one, Logan is smart enough to tuck and roll and land on his backside instead of his arm, thus avoiding a more serious injury, and two, he's not too far from the wall and slides into the flexible plastic, not too far from where Roman stands, momentarily frozen in shock. It takes a beat too long for his body to catch up to his brain screaming at him to move, run, go to him and finally-

"Logan! Logan, are you all right?" Roman leans over to see Logan seated on the ice, propped up against the wall and panting heavily. There are going to be bruises all over him, no doubt, it was a hard fall but nothing appears to be broken. Roman reaches out a hand to him, his concern for every aspect of his teammate's health growing by the second.

"Here, Lo, come on. Take my hand, let's get you off the ice. You can stand, right?"

Logan hesitates ever so slightly before he nods and Roman doesn't miss it. He suppresses the urge to wince at the weak, ice cold grip Logan has and instead focuses his energy on pulling the taller man to his feet.

"Turn towards me, grab both my hands. That's it, Lo. And I'll walk around and you sidestep; we'll meet at the entrance and then we'll sit and take a breather." It takes a moment for them to finally reach other. Logan is shaking badly and Roman keeps having to grab him to keep him upright. Finally, they reach the opening and the trembling skater practically collapses into his rescuer's chest, still breathing erratically as Roman holds him steady to check him over. He grabs both of his freezing hands and holds them in his warm ones, calmly whispering at Logan to take a deep breath, something he finally does himself. Eventually, they both calm down and a few moments pass before someone speaks.

"I'm sorry," Logan whispers. It's small and ashamed and it breaks Roman's heart just that much more.

"Please don't apologize. Just tell me what is going on." Logan's head snaps up and he almost looks like he's about to deny everything all over again and then he takes inventory of the situation and slumps over, defeated.

"I...I don't know what's happening to me."

"I think you do," Roman says, afraid yet brave for just a moment. Logan's eyes widen, fear turning over and over again in his stomach. "I think you know exactly what this is."

Logan nods, glossy tears threatening to spill out onto his cheeks. Roman is right; there is no fooling anyone anymore. He nods again and clears his throat twice, suddenly unable to unstick the walls to get anything out.

"Logan," Roman presses on, "you must know how this ends. You know this can't continue." Logan nods a third time, looking up at the concerned redhead through wet eyelashes as his voice makes a quiet comeback.

"I know...but I can't stop."

****

Roman regrets every choice he's ever made with Logan when it comes to their next competition.

He's waiting on the sidelines for his turn at bat, so to speak, when he sees Logan blow past them, ignoring them all and taking his place on deck.

"Well, what the hell was that about?" Virgil grumbles. "He didn't even wish us luck or anything!" Patton places a hand on his shoulder and offers up a weak smile.

"He's been...off lately, Virge. I think he just needs some space right now." Something in Roman's gut twists at that, the sheets wrongness of leaving Logan to his own devices eating at him. He glances over at Patton who gives him the same half-hearted smile and then glances down at a very stressed out Virgil with his face buried in his hands. Roman gets it and the ache in his chest subsides. Virgil's anxiety is playing against him and he doesn't need yet another thing to worry about. None of them do, really but that unfortunately doesn't stop anything from happening to anyone.

The three look up as they hear Logan's name called out over the loudspeaker and the cheers as he glides onto the ice, giving a the crowd a tight grin and a small wave. He's never been overly expressive with his entrance but yet again, Roman can see the extra stress around his eyes, the dark circles even more prominent against the pallor of his face, the way his legs tremble as he takes his starting pose.

The guilty churning comes back tenfold. Roman should have said something. He shouldn't be out there.

The music starts and like a light switch, Logan comes alive for a brief moment. It enough to make his teammates almost relax until he attempts his first jump sequence and it goes sideways, Logan wobbling as he lands.

"Did...did he just wobble on a triple flip?" Virgil asked, incredulous.

"He just wobbled...on a double flip...that was supposed to be a triple," Roman says, quiet and halting.

"Something's wrong." Patton echoes the thought radiating off the others. "Something's really wrong."

Logan barely makes it through the rest of his routine, tipping and wobbling on almost all of his jumps, modifying other elements down, an obvious display of a lack of confidence. His turns are sluggish and his moves lack more and more luster and enthusiasm as time goes on. No one would dare say this out loud but it's possibly the worst Logan has ever skated in a long while. Finally, it ends and Logan looks wrecked. Not only does he appear to be exhausted, his expression is utterly defeated as the crowd cheers out of sheer sympathy, still loving him despite the struggles he's had tonight. It doesn't seem to register to the tall brunette as he skates around to each side of the rink to acknowledge the audience, his chest heaving with the effort of fighting back tears and screams of frustration. His teammates look on, trying and mostly failing not to let their pity and shock show. The most steady and consistent person on their team just crumbled and none of them could speak. They could only watch as the person they knew faded in front of them, the sense that something had irrevocably changed haunting them all. Logan shakily starts to make his way off the ice, pinching the bridge of his nose when the unthinkable happens and his blades slide out from underneath him, pulling his body down to the ice, limp and unconscious and not moving.

Chaos erupts as medics and coaches flood the ice and the crowd shrieks in horror. Roman almost leaps onto the ice himself but he's pulled back by someone he briefly struggles against. He finally registers Patton's blonde curls and suddenly he can hear again.

"Roman, stop it, do you hear me? You can't help him right now, the medics, they've got him, okay? He'll be okay, just let them do their job! Roman, look at me, look at me! He will be okay!" Patton's voice is shaking with uncertain sobs but still Roman nods, knowing that it's truly too late, the time for action on his part has long since passed.

"Come on now, come with me, come help Virgil, he needs us right now." Roman looks over to see the small skater curled up on the bench in the throes of a panic attack. Roman grabs his hand and places it to his chest absently, taking one last glance back at the rink. The sound of Patton's counting Virgil’s breaths fades into the background as he zeroes in on Logan's unmoving frame between someone's legs. There's a small pool of blood on the ice around his head.

The sight of it makes Roman want to vomit.

****

It’s hours later when Logan wakes up to a slow, steady beeping machine. Hospital, it registers, and he wants to groan out loud but there’s barely enough energy left in his body to open his eyes. His head hurts, his body hurts, and his throat feels like sandpaper. He tries to shift and something pulls at his arm, what is that? Oh. The IV, pumping me full of sugar and fluids that are just going to-

Keep you alive.

Is this really where he is? Is he really so far gone that he fears something as innocuous as an IV drip? Is he really at such a low point that he needs to be on a IV drip? 

What the hell has he done to himself?

A small gasp startles him and he turns his head too fast to the left, a wave of dizziness crashes into him briefly. Roman seems to notice and pulls over a small cup of water with a straw. Logan hates himself for it but he pauses for just a second. Roman stays patient, his face unreadable as he waits for Logan take a sip, pushing the cup away gently when he’s done.

“Thank God you’re awake,” Roman mutters.

“I take it that I didn’t place,” Logan responds dryly. Roman raises an eyebrow.

“Really? That’s what you’re concerned about?” No response. “No, you didn’t,” he sighs out, “gold went to another team. I took silver and Patton was just shy of bronze.Virgil..Virgil struggled too.”

“I probably terrified him.”

“You terrified all of us.” Roman’s tone was soft but abrupt. “You weren’t moving, I thought you were- I thought...” He cleared his closing throat, swallowing the lump that had formed there. “Anyway...if you’re worried, we’re handling the press. My father is releasing a statement that your...collapse was due to a recent bout of severe flu that turned into pneumonia. You’ll be taking some time off to recover in the hospital and then at home privately until you’re strong enough to compete again.” 

“Your father would do that for me? That’s...that’s wonderful. That’s just- it’s- that’s just perfect!” Logan breaks down sobbing before Roman can even blink and to his surprise, it chokes him up too.

“Logan?”

“They don’t see me, Roman. Your father would lie for someone he hardly knows. But my parents..I’m never good enough for them. I’m not good enough for anyone. And I try to make myself perfect but they still...they don’t see me.” 

“So your answer is to disappear?” Silence again. “Logan...this has to stop here. You need help or you’re gonna...please tell me you’ll end this.”

Logan swallows thickly. “You know I can’t promise you that.”

Roman drops his head, the urge to cry only growing stronger. “I should have done something. I should have said something sooner.”

“Roman, this isn’t your fault.”

“No, I knew! I watched this happen! I watched you deteriorate and I said nothing! And now you’re...” A hand reaches across his face, wiping the tears that had collected on his cheeks.

“Alive, Roman. I’m still alive.” Roman nods, the guilt slowly easing its way out of his chest. He grabs Logan’s hand and squeezes, both of them clinging to the fragile strands of hope that connected them.

As long as he was alive, he still had hope, right?