#and pray to the god you've latched on to out of sheer terror and desperation that it never ever comes back up to the surface
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#music#dj alun's club mix tape#this is one that alun shares with other dearly beloved oc delial#both of whom are plagued by disillusionment with themselves and their fate and their place in the world and the role they play in it#in alun's case.... well he talks a tremendously big game for someone who is genuinely pretty insecure#he KNOWS what he has to do. he knows who he has to be and how he has to be to get things done. and he has!#his rise into the court was something he wanted. becoming one of the princes was something he wanted.#and once he was there the next step was obvious. they had their goal. the end of the war (and everything else) was in sight.#with just a little more time a little more power and a little more discipline everything they've struggled for would finally be realized#except... it didn't. none of it did. ascension never happened. and now baphomet (as far as he knows) is further away than he's ever been.#what do you do with that? how do you take all that and move on?#the short answer is of course that you don't. that you compartmentalize it all#and pray to the god you've latched on to out of sheer terror and desperation that it never ever comes back up to the surface#not even all that death could make it right. all that loss. if he thinks about it too much it'll crack him open like an egg. so he doesn't.#locks it behind knowing it was necessary. knowing it's what had to be done. and that's as deep as he can let it go.#anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk#oh yeah also this one features the lovely anohni who we've talked about before so extra points for that
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