#and plus its not like anyone can ever do anything bc i dont want to put my big problems onto others

[mrfoox]

Ok over an hour later and no im still a mess...

[justallihere]

i'm going insane bc i was away for the weekend and left my phone alone (god bless) and came back to a whole chapter PLUS love declaration PLUS forehead kiss ?? omg.....

Mira is not letting Xaden rest like ever, I do wonder what Violet told her while Xaden was prepping her bath tho.

“Not if it bothers you, they can’t,” said Xaden. “I’ll make sure they keep it away from you.” 

oh he wants violet to be comfortable so baaaad he's the embodiment of "is the sun bothering you queen" and im so here for it.

i'm totally fine and sane over xaden washing violet's hair im not kicking my feet or anything and im definetely not crying over how soft they are and how much trust must violet have on him bc she's letting him touch her hair after it being threatned to be cut.

forehead touches are my faaaav so u can imagine how well fed i am after this chapter and for that i say thank you alli *dramatically bows*

Xaden not wanting her to feel like she wasnt love so he just declares himself to her had me weak, like it could've been this grand gesture but nothing between them has ever been planned or expected so he just winged it and it was perfectly what she needed. talk about soulmates !!

when u told us the declaration was gonna hurt i didnt have this imagined in my mind but im so glad it happened this way and not the way i thought it was gonna happen. it was so bittersweet !!

ALSO she def knows she loves him shes just not ready to admit it bc in no way in hell would she ask him to say after he declared himself if she didnt know she also felt something

also the way they first slept i know xaden neck was complaining

also violet reminded me of a cat who always try to get closer in their sleep. she just wants to cuddle !! and shes so real for that

Rhiannon is truly a bestie!! not her terrorrizing the love interest we love a ride or die bestie, even if sometimes she's unresonable

“You whisked her away before anyone could check on her.” 

bestie there was not one single part of her that wasnt broken what was the man supposed to do *cries* but i do understand her stress

SLOANE MAIRI !!! not her calling the king of tyrrendor her brother i love that for her !! she's a princess so true. also i looove xaden and liam's talk it wasnt too cheesy bc tbh they dont operate like that but it was so genuine !!

can the guards chill !!

Garrick is just like me!! i too love gossip and will put my hands on it as soon as i can. but garrick its been like 12 hours wait a little longer or violet herself will call u out again. but also not garrick begging xaden no rule to country and he's just like "no <3" love that for him his wife just got back running a country is very far from his mind.

“Is that what you told her to do?” Rhiannon raised an eyebrow. “Get over it?” “No, but you’re not her, are you?”

He's so ??!!

the development of violet a few chapters ago being like "he didnt hold me while we slept bc there had been no excuses for it in Aretia" to now being like "im gonna curl into your arms so hard you'll never escape" and honestly good for them !!

anywayyyy i LOVED this chapter

lol a lot happened this weekend, welcome back!!!

Xaden’s literal one and only concern is Violet and her comfort, fuck everything else. I’m totally not fine and sane about the hair washing so I guess we balance each other out 🫶🏻

They are very much soulmates!! Xaden didn’t plan to fall in love with her, of course he didn’t plan some grand declaration of it either, we’re just going with what feels right. Violet is a grumpy little kitten yes you’re right

Rhiannon is stressed as hell, like give her best friend back RIORSON where is she

Garrick needs both gossip and for Xaden to do his job and he’s getting neither of those things! Too bad so sad!

Thank you!!!! 🩷

[moonshynecybin]

do you have any books recommendations? 🙏

okay usually i like to know a general vibe for recommendations bc this is INTIMATE!!! and im actually in a weird place in my reading journey where im trying to branch out and try a bunch of different books in a bunch of different genres bc i got lowkey sick of what i was reading all the time so this is all over the place. whatever fuck it. here are some recent ones in no particular order that ive enjoyed OR at the very least found interesting. most of these are pretty famous i'll be real im not breaking the wheel here. under the cut bc she is long

our wives under the sea by julia armfield. was this book good hmm i dont know. was it kind of fucked up and interesting. YES. some of the prose is legitimately sooo gorgeous and the portrait it paints of the central relationship is intimate and oftentimes heartrending i still think about it which is kind of what you want from a story tbh... a really slow plot (kind of nonexistent) thats frankly more about grief than anything. theres some spooky body horror here so beware

slaughterhouse five by kurt vonnegut. shes a classic for a REASON. do you ever pick up a book that is very beloved and famous. and then get genuinely and pleasantly surprised that it actually rules. happened to me. legit kind of life changing and also made me laugh out loud. if you havent read it get on it

the kingdoms by natasha pulley. read this over the summer and i vividly remember sitting in the basement at my job hiding so i could read one more page i was RIVETED!!! its historical fantasy its time travel its amnesia it is. on a boat. basically like what if fucked up gay love and also magic made france win the napoleonic wars would that be crazy or what!!! and it was!! also read some of her other stuff which is VERY similar and it was like. fine to good. but i LOVED this one

carrie by stephen king. read it around halloween and i enjoyed it more than i thought i would ! some category 5 stephen king sexism but its an interesting 200 page scifi novel with epistolary elements and some great characters i can see how it launched his career into the stratosphere... really good one to start off with reading stephen king if you wanna dip a toe in but are wary of the 1000 page doorstop novels. i say give it a try !

demon copperhead by barbara kingsolver. recent pulitzer prize winner. its a retelling of david copperfield with a distinctly southern appalachian lens which im always interested in because i am from southern appalachia and frankly the way we get treated in fiction is wild. like hillbilly cannibals who are illiterate coalminers wild. if i ever catch the guy that wrote hillbilly elegy we are throwing hands. but i liked this ! the region does have a long history of poverty and it was interesting to think about that in conversation to the social commentary with a victorian vibe from david copperfield. i mean this is decidedly unvictorian but that was floating in the back of my head at all times reading it so it made me THINK.

giovanni's room by james baldwin. another one where i was like do you see this shit?? this shit is crazy. and the shit in question is one of the most acclaimed and beloved novels of all time. anyways another life changer get on it.

even as we breathe by annette saunooke clapsaddle. another southern appalachia moment ! this one rings VERY true for me actually, despite being a historical novel... written with a lot of love for the area and made me cry a bit cause i was homesick at the time... great mystery and cool local history. also! one of the better representations of the cherokee people ive seen in fiction. which usually im hesitant to like. pin that as a THE major reason you should read it bc the story is ALSO very good but its a central theme of the novel so i thought i should mention it. plus the author is cherokee so she's coming at it with knowledge and care

in memoriam by alice winn. recommendation from a tumblr mutual so i thought id continue the tradition! read it in literally a day so im fuzzy on the details but its about rich eton style english schoolboys getting their spirits basically destroyed in the trenches of ww1... also a gay love story... lots of poetry very tragic but not overly so and certainly very readable... a competent historical gay romance if thats ur thing youll probably enjoy it

the poppy war by r f kuang. interesting bc it initially feels like a historical fantasy novel with a young protagonist going to a magic school and overcoming the odds slash beating the evil enemy story thats been done one billion times. but it is DEEPLY not that. takes the conventions of the genre and kind of refuses to make them reducible or easy to package. deals with war (read the warnings etc). deals with genocide. deals with race. wrestles with the ethics of all of its characters and comes down with some nuance. kind of a slay

and then here's some all time faves that are just GOOD and im reasonably sure anyone would have a good time with:

jane eyre. i have quoted this enough on this blog cmon. also if youre following me youre probably a fan of fucked up relationships so you should go. be with the OG. fly. like its foundational to the GENRE babyyyy

dracula. yayyyyy epistolary novelssss... another "fun" classic along with dorian gray... read em both they slap

the book thief. took me a year to read. made me cry lots.

daisy jones and the six. look at me look AWAYYY from the amazon series look at ME. this is a fun book. and if you are in a reading slump i frankly HIGHLY recommend it bc it is done in the style of like. a documentary autopsy on a fleetwood mac esque band implosion so its told in 100% dialogue as if they are being interviewed. you can read it in a DAY and its FUN and sometimes they CONTRADICT each other which i LOVE

the queens thief by meghan whalen turner. GOD!!!!! all time. all time. straight relationships in fiction that make you crazyyyyyyy and also genuinely delightful twists at the end of each book i LOVED them. i read them all in the pandemic they slayyyy

howl's moving castle. delightful. if you like a silly time in a fantasy world that makes you laugh a lot i would recommend. also the sequel its fun

any terry pratchet novel thank you goodnight

[brynnterpretations]

see youve been doing a lotta theboys ship reqs recently HUGE kudos to u got damn, and i love how u write them sm !! hope u dont mind one more ^^ (fine w p much anyone except homelander or deep)

im an anxiety-ridden autistic bi british tguy with a pretty hefty male lean, 5'6"-ish, long hair thats shaved on one side , lotsa face piercings , pretty hairy , scruffy jaw , got a "would be a bear if i hit the gym more often" kinda build . i wear shades 24/7 bc i hate eye contact and bright lights . i generally dont bother picking out an outfit but when i do i lean towards a kinda 50s greaser vibe even tho i dont have a bike or anything

im a recluse and not particularly social , i end most conversations quickly but politely tho i dont let myself get walked over . i do like going for walks , particularly walking my cat , or otherwise hauling something around , its a good workout , but most of the time im indoors and just drawing/animating (what im attending uni for) or playing games . i prefer talking online to in person cause of low social battery , even for family n close friends .

im insecure but otherwise i think j have pretty good self-esteem , and tho im not diagnosed im like 95% sure ive got covert narcissism , i see most people as below me in some way but i dont express this obviously . a lack of attention , particularly online , is distressing and upsetting , and i get defensive very easy . i THRIVE on the feeling of caring for or protecting someone both bc it feeds this and is the only time i can power through my social anxiety .

uhhh cat lover , marine life lover , would spend the rest of my life in an aquarium , would rather be a shark than a human , dont like getting dressed if i dont have to , nail biter , dragon fanatic , would probably be a supe given the chance

hope thats not too much , and thank you !

Thank you so much for the kind words! I hope you like this. ♡

I ship you with...

Frenchie ♡

Boyfriend

GIF Source: @samuelroukin ★ (link)

You and Frenchie meet while you're walking your cat. Frenchie is a huge cat guy (I will die on this hill), and though he hasn't had any of his own since his early twenties, he still makes it his mission to interact with them as much as he can. Cat on the street? Gets pet. Cat in those windows of veterinary offices that you can walk into if you don't seem too shady? Gets pet. Cat in a house the coup is raiding? Gets pet, and moved to a safer location.

So, when he sees your cat being walked, the dude has to go over. Plus, not gonna lie, even in NYC, it's pretty uncommon to see cats being walked, especially down the street that the boys' hideout is located on.

He uses small talk to warm up the awkwardness that comes with a random French man coming up on the street to pet your cat, and eventually asks if you'd ever want to go on a walk sometime. While he initially had his eyes set on your cat, when the guy looked up at you, he immediately saw that you're really, really cute. He has a weakness for facial piercings and for general "scruffiness", so add that on to the cat and the general reservedness? Bro's set.

Through that, you start hanging out a lot and getting to know each other. Frenchie's not a texting person, so you two tend to call a lot, and have a lot of cute but low-key dates, like cooking meals for you at his apartment and playing video games.

And, on that note: Frenchie absolutely sucks at video games, but he has fun playing them with you. While Frenchie is very spatially aware in real life, he is not in online games — bro would get absolutely flamed in any CoD lobby — but would have a blast going through your video game of choice by your side.

You would have to help him with the controls... a lot... but it would be worth it.

Frenchie doesn't really believe in "rushing in" or "waiting too long"; he just makes it official once he feels like it's right. After 2 – 3 months with you, he'd ask if you'd like to be together upfront.

And, once you are: you two would be very, very happy together.

Frenchie's a very intuitive person, and while he wouldn't make any assumptions considering your diagnoses/suspected conditions (he's not about that life), he would catch on to your need for attention and care.

Since he's not really a texter, he'd either call you or send you voice notes to say good morning, good night, tell you about something that reminded him of you, etc.

Is your #1 fan concerning your art, and is endlessly in awe of what you do. He would constantly show your work off to the coup, and would definitely commission you for artwork when your schoolwork slowed down (no, he won't accept free shit, he will commission you, point-blank).

Considering Frenchie's been through a lot, you being a caring person and a "protector" would do wonders for the relationship. While Frenchie's a protective guy himself, the dude wants some time to slow down and be taken care of, and would love anything you did for him and reciprocate it completely.

Is a huge physical touch guy, and as long as you were fine with it, would always have an arm around you, his hand in yours, etc.

Also would definitely love to be the little spoon with you, especially because you're very close in height (he's about 5'8).

Is a big gift-giver, and would always purchase anything he saw that reminded him of you, whether it's a shark stuffed animal, or one of those seashell necklaces that street vendors sell.

Also, he's a bit freaked out about marine life — the vastness of the ocean really, really freaks him out, partially because of a near-drowning accident he had as a kid — but would always go to aquariums with you and try to find aquatic spaces to do stuff.

He would do the ocean, but as much as he loves you, he's probably gonna try limiting that to special occasions.

Would 100% spoil your cat, and if you were up for it, adopt one for you two to co-parent.

Also doesn't have many reservations about moving in "early" — again, timestamps aren't really too important to him — and would especially encourage it if it helped any student finances.

On that note, the guy cannot do structured and organized learning, so he would always brag about your postsecondary education and do everything to encourage you, whether it's bringing you your favorite snacks while working on end-of-the-year projects or rubbing your hands and back after finishing an art piece.

He wouldn't hide his work with the Boys from you, and honestly, would encourage you to get involved, particularly through artwork — anti-Supe propaganda, especially aesthetic pleasing ones, have been lacking nowadays. He'd be open about his work and introduce you to the boys before you became official.

And that brings us to...

The Boys ☻

Friends

GIF Source: @yocalio ★ (link)

So, it's corny... but you and Butcher definitely both bond over both being British/from the U.K. You're one of very few people who were able to immediately understand both his accident and what he was referring to in British slang upon first meeting.

Plus, the guy likes you, even if he doesn't talk to you much. He respects reserved types a lot, and appreciates you leveling out Frenchie's chaos instead of blowing it up (...most of the time).

He wouldn't make an effort to get super close to you — let's be real, he's got a lot of shit to deal with — but would probably invite you out for drinks every once in a while.

A dealbreaker for Frenchie is whether you get along with Kimiko, and fortunately, you two do. While you're not extremely close — you're both pretty introverted, and Kimiko never wants to feel like she's prying — Kimiko really, really likes you, especially when she sees you drawing. She's quite the artist herself, and is fascinated by not only your amazing work, but by the fact you're going to college for it.

Whenever you stop by the hideout, she wouldn't communicate with you much, instead opting to just enjoy your company in silence.

And, if you bring art supplies, she would be so down to parallel-play with you and her drawing side-by-side. While she's not academically trained, she is extremely good at drawing landscapes, and would be very intrigued by your art, as mentioned.

Also would draw you as a present, which would be very cute, even if not fully anatomically correct.

M.M. would like you a lot — he vibes with the shades the first time he sees you — and I feel like you two would be the closest out of the coup. While him encouraging you to would be a bit... annoying... the guy really enjoys your company, and would bond over your shared love of cats.

Would also ask you a lot of questions about cats, because his cat is getting a bit too pudgy and might need to take some strolls downtown.

While you'd be close, he wouldn't ask to hang out with you too much outside of the coup, instead having most of your fun during late nights, considering he's so busy; he'd probably order a pizza for you, Frenchie, and Kimiko and talk with you, and play video games on the very rusty-crusty-dusty XBox that they got to placate Hughie.

Also: he's killer at FPS games, and if you play one with him, y'all will immediately become best friends.

Hughie, Annie, and you wouldn't be super close, but you wouldn't be on bad terms either.

Hughie, quite honestly, would be intimidated; as a ball of social anxiety who tends to seek out more talkative types (E.G. Robin and Annie), he tends to overthink with more quiet people who are less easy to read, and your shades can make it pretty hard for him.

However, your art would definitely lead him to talk to you more (albeitly awkwardly and only in passing), and, if you or Frenchie mention that you play video games... he would try engaging in a yap session with you.

Yes, yes, it's not a stereotypical, "cool guy" game, but Hughie is a huge fan of Minecraft — he's an excellent architect and has actually made tons of custom maps for people to download — so if you play either (or you don't give him a hard time about it), he'd open up to you a lot more.

As for Annie, she just... can't really get a vibe on you. She thinks you're a pleasant person and respects you (she has a lot of admiration for people who go into the arts), but she's someone who believes to be able to "vibe-check" people pretty easily, and because she can't on you, doesn't really know where to go from there.

She wouldn't want to pry, so she wouldn't push you to open up yourself, but if she got more glimmers of you — whether it's through overseeing you and Kimiko drawing, or catching you and M.M. playing on the XBox — she'd spark up a lot more conversations with you.

[discocandles]

Jason Todd, but he's not around the batfamily very often, bc i can.

It's not unusual for Jason to just kind of be gone for anything bat-esque for a while. Sure he'll still be in Gotham doing some crime fighting, but just not make many appearances in Wayne Manor/the Batcave.

And it's not out of sheer spite, surprisingly enough. its bc after being a crime lord then quitting to be an anti-hero, he came to the realization that being Red Hood couldn't be the only thing he was using his life for. he would end up like Bruce, only using a civilian identity when he absolutely had to. But Jason Todd was legally dead, so he wouldn't ever have to be a civilian, but at the cost of losing himself to a vigilante identity. I don't believe Jason would want to take that risk.

So he makes a fake identity so he can live in a (shaky) routine as a civilian. He still goes by Jason, given its a common enough name. but he changes his last name to Devoss, as it has the same meaning as todd but is of Dutch decent rather than english, bc I'm the kind of nerd that still wants names to mean the same thing even it's not the point whatsoever, so Jason is too. Plus its better than most of the name changes DC has done.

Anyway. Jason's "routine". The only reason it could be considered a routine is bc he typically goes to the same places. he drops by the same coffee shop at least three times a week, frequents the same gym, and visits the library about once a week. he's in the bare minnimum of consistency & sticks to it.

Despite being given enough money from Bruce to count as a solid income, Jason still lives in walking distance of Crime Alley. the landlords there don't care who you are so long as you pay rent, bc who wants to live near Crime Alley? barely anyone. Later he gets a job, which actually cements his routine. he works as a chef in a chain restaurant, and he's so good at it, it's like hes being petty about it.

Actually, being petty is the most common thread most of the people who know Jason Devoss as an aquaintance have. He's petty about entitled customers who start screaming in at his regular coffee stop, if someone he tends to work out with has a cheating partner and the assholeperson has a hole in thier can of mace and their knife is suddenly dull(neccessities in Gotham), Jason has no clue how someone could manage that. Absolutely none.

Ok, back to Jason getting a job. So like I said earlier, Jason gets a job as a line cook, bc they really dont keep people from the job unless you're actively supposed to be in Arkham(exemptions can be made for blackgate). Which is why having a civilian identity is helpful, bc being both legally dead and spending some time as a mob boss probably wouldn't jive with any hiring manager ever. But he's able to make himself a normal part of the scenery, and makes the most effective closing shift, totally not be he has patrol that he's already late for. He begins to have to switch between taking orders and making food.

And this is how he ends up meeting Bernard, bc they have to work together to figure out what Tim would want. Jason realizes that this isn't some other kid named Tim he thinks "oh this is going to be rich." bc no one in the family has been to his work so far since he started working in the front of house, and he hasn't mentioned it to them.

So Tim walks in, and sees his bf, then he sees Jason, who just says "Oh, you must be Bernard's boyfriend. Nice to meet you." Smiling like he's never done anything remotely wrong in his whole life. Now Tim is questioning everything and can only repond with something akin to "Mhmm yup. Nice to meet you too." & is on edge for the rest of the date, bc his brother is being paid to watch his date, and will interrupt them for refills or other nonsense when he was beginning to forget Jason was there.

Bonus points if it's before Tim introduces Bernard to the family.

The batfamily knows where he is, and he knows they know. No one who has met Batman once can have him be unaware of their whole family tree, of course he knows where his son is. Jason will sometimes get visits, most often from Duke, be despite the fact that Crime Alley is mostly terrible, the sunset view is pretty dang good.

Duke will just be sitting on his couch when he gets home, like "you wanted to talk?" to which he and Jason will simply chat. and jason will often give critiques to Duke's technique.

The other common visitor is steph, but that's most ofting in the form of her ding dong ditching him,

-

[most-annoying-sponsorship]

Submitted propaganda under the cut

Wren - 1

fuckin okay i get Save The Planet is noble or whatever but do you understand i'm MAYBE tired of being told to change Everything abt how I live when everything i could ever do is a drop in the ocean compared to corporations and i dont want to micromanage my entire life for the sake of the planet and its ALWAYS the leftist youtubers shilling it as The Best Most Selfless Thing you can do. like. dude. i am tired. i dont get paid enough to have the energy to care.

RAID shadow legends - 22

I caved and downloaded the app, played three levels and holy shit it’s so boring

I don't think I need to explain myself here.

Every Youtuber has been sponsored by them at some point and they are infuriating

It’s everywhere and it’s a shitty game that feels like the kind of low quality shit you’d see in a mobile add, because that’s exactly what it is

I have not seen a single sponsorship that makes this game sound like anything but a waste of time. Plus, their sponsorships are always sooooo long lol. At least a full minute, sometimes two.

the sponsorships and ads are everywhere yet ive never actually seen anyone outside of the ads enjoying it or even talking about it

They say the exact same thing every time so much that it's become a memorized phrase used as a meme

the art is mid, but not only that, but none of the characteers were designed by someone truly unhinged and horny. giving out that many free summons just makes them look like a scam, like those scammy crap gacha games with promo codes that have one digit repeated (example: 1111, 777, 888, and so on). there's nothing you can do there that other games haven't done better, and there's no overlying premise that draws in fans of stories (talk all the crap you like about food fantasy, at least the lore was fucking WILD). raid shadow legends is like fruit gushers in that it's massively mediocre and wildly overhyped. sure, you *COULD* inflict it upon yourself without hurting too badly, but why would you want to?

You KNOW why

Infamous

gaming.

Annoying, constant, bs, dumb, pay to play, badgering, I hate them. My friend ended up spending over a hundred dollars on this game bc their advertising occasionally works, and when it does, that's not great!

You KNOW WHY.

They don't pay the fucking people they ask to talk about them half the time. Also the game is ugly.

scammy as hell wtf is that game

Do I even need to explain? It's not a helpful product, it's just a dumb mobile game no one needs in their lives.

It’s bad

Everyone’s heard of it. Nobody likes it.

[dpurut]

feet vent. lmao. im serious though

ok this is actually the smallest problem i have going on rn but i swear im at a tipping point and this may be my last straw. I am about Ta Explode. Right now.

I have the flattest feet in existence plus a joint disorder so what i have are basically full rectangles for feet. Ive had my current pair of shoes for 5 years i think. Theyre split at the seams, torn apart, the soles are worn, anything you can think of those things are Busted. I need to get new shoes because I can’t walk in these anymore, it hurts like hell. But YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! we went SHOPPING. FOR SHOES. oh swell.

skechers used to be the only brand i could trust to have wide shoes. None were available. I got frustrated. Tried a few more brands. Got even more pissed off. I tried on some converse for fun but i literally started ugly crying in the store when i put them on because they look like SHOE shoes not some excuse of a shoe made of foam like all the other ones ive worn since birth. I had to take them off really fast bc they were digging into my bones. Its still bothering me.

I know there’s no such thing as a normal human body and i wouldnt change anything about who i am right now bc its whats shaped me as a person. But for once i just want some “normalcy”. To not wear the ugliest shoe. For once. This has been going on forever. My elementary school principal used to stop me at the school gates every day to yell at me about wearing the wrong color shoe. I had to explain to her every time that we couldnt find a shoe that fit me in the right color and remind her my mom had spoken to her numerous times since the start of the school year to inform her. Every time, she called my mom again and held me up so I’d be late to class. Gym class was even worse for a million reasons but that’s another topic.

I want to take a walk. I want to hang out with my friends for more than an hour each time. I want to swim, play volleyball, football, whatever the fuck ball or something i dont know. I can’t do that. I just can’t. And I want to, but I won’t ever be able to. And as long as I can’t find new shoes that fit me, i cant do the rest pf the stuff that i normally can. These americans with their long ass thin ass feet dominate the shoe market and im just a fly circling around it. Im sick of it. All my ocs are gonna have box feet and theres nothing anyone can do about it and in THEIR UNIVERSE, GOOD SHOES EXIST.

[leclerced]

kinda got scared thinking about my digital footprint and am considering deactivating my account , worried people i know are going to find out it’s me based off of the hints i’ve spilled about my personal life… plus is everything goes well and i end up in motorsports journalism the links i’ve shared linking to my personal tiktok account is pretty damn scary…

-🪼🪼🪼

don’t stress about it!! i’ve been thru various fandoms and only once has anyone i know irl ever found one of my accounts and i have had friends search for HOURS. and she only found my old twitter account after i told her i had been tweeted by twizzlers, and she went through a years worth of their tweets to find the reply and be like omg!! i found ur account!

also ive sold nudes n shit, they are def still out there, i think the twit acc i sold them on is still up and i just changed it into an anime twit acc lmaooo. let someone use my phone get on d*rk web to order … things … so i feel like that might be on there idk. i’ve posted on every hellsite available, literally tweeted that i wanted luke hemmings to cum in me While He Followed Me. ok i was an insane teenager. im pretty sure the tweets are still up and he still follows 😭 my digital footprint is a mountain range. anything u can do online ive done it.

trying to be reassuring that it’ll be ok bc im attached to u and dont want u to deactivate !! w tiktok, the app is gonna fade eventually and when they check ur digital footprint they’re not looking at links you copy/pasted and shit. if need be, make a burner tiktok account for when you send links so it’s not linked directly to yrs!! i doubt theres a way they could find every link you copied from tiktok then search the internet to see where you sent it and what you said about it, it’s like looking over public accounts you disclose to them or they find when they search your name and shit, so if tumblr doesn’t have your full name and shit it’s not coming up on any searches, i wouldn’t think.

also can i say i hate that tiktok does that its so fucking weird and intrusive imo.

[endfght]

🎲 🎲 🎲 🎲 🎲 

delilah wayne & kinsey oliver: kins has tattoos,,, (i think) and piercings.... let delilah Do Them. idk anything about soa but delilah is in california?? in la?? if that means anything??? she would probably have a biker bf or smth i literally dont know shit about fuck but xo no one will replace mal ever but let them be besties. she also did hair?? so maybe she can do kinseys i literally do not know but i think that they could be Neat somehow.

riley mckendry & kinsey oliver: did kins develop a problem with her meds after they got out of the hospital or am i making that up??? bc if she needs someone to talk to,,,, she should go to anyone But riley unless she wants to meet hell priests and creatures from hell<3 no but actually if she needs to talk riley is There.

alexander duffy & kinsey oliver: stinky man. Stinky man that needs to Get Away from kins right now. he kind of sucks and is emotional (not like sweet emotional tho like angry emotional the Bad Kind). idk he's just like a Guy. if kins has any paranormal problems??? hes ur man for sure. hes going to flirt with her and im sorry theres going to be nothing that ic an do to stop it. she Is allowed to punch him in the face without warning. pepper spray is Also an option and he would deny it but it would not be the first time! anyway!

shiv roy & kinsey oliver: kinsey in succession when. i went on so much ab mal in succession and deleted it bc this is not the time rebecca. ANYWAY u need to tell me about kins in that World but even without knowing anything i think shiv,,, would love her (but maybe im just biased bc I Love Her). i could also throw out a younger shiv to be closer to kins maybe theyre in college or smth together?? atn had to have covered what happened to kins and mal right? like no shot a story like that Wasn't national. anyw.. yea Them.

colin graham & kinsey oliver: how. many times have we done the father/daughter trope before? who the hell actually cares bc i eat it up every damn time. we're granted one (1) tired apocalypse thread bc truly its what we do best but colin comin across kins n mal on their way home > him offering to guide them there since he has More Experience. him sayin yea sorry ur actually my kids now until further notice so sorry about that but yeah. he did have two daughters and he Will see those girls in kins and mal so get ready for that!! definitely would not be a lee/charlie/alice Dupe. colin is more Chill ok he was a park ranger hes just Vibing. plus he has a dog so like emotional support cuddles for kins or smth??? @graecland.

[kindlyfunkn]

in other news though this past month or so has been maybe the worst of my life, was already feeling down about everything but now my cars fucked up again. power steering pump is shot, terrified me driving to the garage the other day (for just an inspection, an inspection no repairs, so i can get my car re-registered. ffs.) bc it started blowing smoke out of the hood and the wheel suddenly locked up.

couldnt get a hold of anyone but idk none of my friends either have cars or are free during school/work hours this was maybe around 11. my first instinct was to call my mom but she was unavailable, shes been travelling bc of my cousins wedding in alberta and mightve still been on a plane maybe idk. but she would've probably called my dad anyway bc hes the one who could actually help me, i called him right after my mom didnt pick up.

he lives 2 hours away though, i was within walking distance to my house so i just called to ask what i should do. the switch in his voice from neutral to worried was funny, especially bc ive been giving him sort of the silent treatment since we got in a petty fight. he contemplated if he could come out to town to have a look but remembered his friend craig and told me to stay where i was to. his friend is someone ive met before and had look at my car before too, and he lives out in town.

so craig was really nice, got some power steering fluid for me, drove my car for me (bc he's used to driving junk) to the garage and spoke to the mechanic for me, vehemently denied my attempts to pay for the fluid and cab fees. he told me its really funny how similar i am to my dad when we need help. he said that he told me: "you're shy like him, you stutter like him, you're nervous like him... uh no offense."

anyway so the garage wasnt able to do anything for my car bc if they didnt have the parts to fix my steering then they couldnt complete the inspection, but he didnt charge me anything so that was cool.

gotta make another appointment at a different garage.

also, speaking to my mom last night i told her how awful thingsve been. headache almost every day, i cant sleep (other night only got to sleep after 7 am, then the next night only got 3 hours, as example), how when i got up i just started crying full waterworks and i wasnt even thinking about anything. didnt tell her how i keep wanting to get drunk at night bc my thoughts just run rampant, done it a few times now. the headaches come with or without a hangover though, i grind my teeth at night. my guard was missing for a while but recently ive found it i just havent been wearing it though i should.

i didnt mean to unload anything on her just give her an update how ive been feeling bc i havent had anyone to talk to really. dont really like to vent really seriously to my (twin) sister, and my older sister (whom i live with) doesnt ever really seem to care—i feel like i cant really be upset when im around her bc she always has something happening at work or whatever. plus she keeps saying things that make me feel worse or more worried and she doesnt realize how awful ive been feeling, a few times when expressing that my head or back hurts she offers nothing except "do you want to try my meds?" NO i dont want your prescription meds!! i did take one of her migraine meds once bc they wouldnt work for her so the last pill in the bottle she offered to me and i remarked that it worked a charm, but the new meds she has now are different and strong enough that apparently they are sometimes given post surgery. sure ibuprofen/naproxen and tylenol dont work more than half the time for me but im not going right into strong meds when im taking other things. my sister doesnt take any meds other than the migraine stuff, i do take meds, i dont want any interactions.

but anyway i got sidetracked, i'll tag with the sister vent tag too. anyway i kept what i said to my mom short and simple, didnt think much of it bc sure ive been stressed out and demotivated (what else is new) and just needed to get off my chest. hate complaining to my friends i feel i do it too much. mom gave me support words of encouragement stuff like that, but told me she'll look into therapy options for me if i want since im still under her and my step moms insurance while im a student (which i technically am, exams and classes are done but still need a workterm and we're only considered fully graduates until we complete a workterm). baffled me. i used to see a counsellor (not by choice to start and i got put in dbt which sucked but i could cancel so i did bc it wasnt going anywhere. dbt mightve helped but it was on a webcam and i leaned out of frame to grab my pencil once which dropped to the floor and i was scolded so i thought this sucks im dropping this lol) but it never did much for me, but i didnt expect my mom to bring up therapy outright. we dont really do/see stuff like that in our family.

but yknow a therapist may help me right now bc everythings going south and im not that smart with adult things yet so much that i think its detrimental, so i think i said yes. if it turns out i dont need it then i can just drop it, but i think somebody unbiased who knows how things work would be able to help me a lot. its just for figuring my life out.

woof this js a huge post. did not mean to write so much and meant to keep this simple and to the point, but yknow im incapable of being concise its a curse. wasnt even gonna talk about my car initially but just started rambling. anyway thats my shitty life update

[willows-pjo-ocs]

I figured i should make an intro post for my ocs

Also btw if your not tagged in an open starter you can still do it idc just lmk if you want me to @ you ill make a list

And ill just edit this post when i have more stuff or change anything

Edit: im gonna unpin this and link it to a diff master post

Anyways

Kiara Belvedere

Age: 15

Gender: female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: bisexual

Godly parent: Selene

Powers: healing (only at night), photokinesis (limited to moonlight and not that much, kinda like a glowstick when she's embarrassed), increased strength at night time particularly when the moon isn't obscured by the clouds (which does not change when the moon is new since its still the moon), she can transfer the pain you feel to herself, limited hydrokinesis since the moon controls the tides, and she sees better in the dark. Limited umbrakinesis plus she can shadow travel. Not really a power, but she is good at chariot driving since her mom is Selene.

(Slight tw/cw for transphobia)

General information: Kiara is a 15 year old transgender demigod daughter of Selene. She arrived at camp a bit before the Battle of the Labyrinth (the battle itself, not the book, but both are technically true), so she did end up fighting in the Battle of the Labyrinth, the Battle of Manhattan, and the Battle of Half-Blood Hill (plus if there was another one in toa i havent read it yet so dont spoil me.)

I would say she was about 12 or 13 when she arrived at camp so she's been there for a bit

She wasn't claimed until 2 or 3 years after she arrived since her mom didn't have a cabin yet

She is currently dating Aurelia Emerson, another oc of mine.

No father issues here since her dad is pretty awesome, but she does have mother issues, which comes with your godly parent being your mother.

She has a good deal of trauma from these battles, as do the other demigods who fought in said battles.

Kids used to tease her all the time and do stuff like pulling on her hair at school but she ended up finding her people

At some point (sometimes i rp before, during, or after this) she ended up going on a quest. I haven't planned out much of this quest or who she gets captured by, but she ends up getting captured by these monster or something who want a son of Selene even though she very much isn't a son, but a daughter. They only ever referred to her as a boy and made her wear raggedy ass "boy" clothes (even though i believe that clothes dont have gender idk how else to phrase it)

She ends up back at camp somehow, havent planned that part out yet, but yet another trauma she has to deal with (yay i guess..?)

Also, I apologize if I accidentally portray her a bit wrong since I'm not trans but feel free to critique me if I do something wrong bc I really want to know so I can do better/be more educated

Face claim:

Aurelia Emerson

Age: 15

Gender: female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: lesbian

Godly parent: Eos

Powers: photokinesis (limited), hydrokinesis (only the morning dew), increased strength at dawn.

General information: Aurelia is a 15 year old demigod daughter of Eos. She is from small town Mississippi and she came to camp closer to when she was 14, so pretty recently. She is currently dating Kiara Belvedere, as said above. She arrived at camp after an emposai attacked her. (Probably a satyr who brought her, but idk.)

She arrived at camp post the events of the Heroes of Olympus books and thus didn't fight in those same battles that Kiara did. (Once again, if there was one in toa I didn't read it yet.)

She dealt with/deals with a lot of internalized homophobia and stuff like that since she grew up in small town Mississippi.

But she never really extended it towards others. It always confused her why people would be upset about who someone loves or what their gender identity was or anything like that

But as soon as it was her who happened to be a kiss-girl (im so sorry i cannot take myself seriously), she hated herself for it. It was fine when anyone else was like that, but not her.

She ends up being able to accept herself more slowly after she and Kiara don't start dating quite yet, but are kinda talking? Do you call it that if you've been best friends for a while and already acting pretty gay around her? Idk. Seriously, Marilene (head counselor for the Selene cabin) was waiting for the longest time for them to just kiss.

They do end up dating dw

This really reminds me of Once More to See You by Mitski because Kiara really just wanted to tell everyone and everything about how much she loved Aurelia, but Aurelia was still closeted at this point. (Sorry if im making it sound like it was a bad thing that she was closeted. it's not and, good on her for taking her time and doing it when she was comfortable)

Face claim:

Imagine her but just a bit tanner

Marilene Smith

Age: 19

Gender: female

Pronouns: she/they

Sexuality: idk but saphic

Godly parent: Selene

Powers: she can 'see' anything that the moon is in line of sight of (one part of the earth in the day the other part at night since thats how day and night work) (nothing underground plus trees and stuff) to a degree. It takes a good bit of energy and focus and stuff since she's not a goddess. Limited photokinesis and umbrakinesis though she is better at photokinesis. She can shadow travel. Like Kiara, she can heal. But only at night. She was the one who taught Kiara. She also gains strength from the moon. It does not change when the moon is new, since the moon is still out.

General information: Marilene has also been at camp for a pretty long time. She is one of the oldest campers there. She arrived at camp when she was maybe 15 and stays there full time. Being the head counselor of the Selene cabin, she cares about her sibling more than anything. When Kiara didn't return from her quest, she spent every moment she could trying to locate her and asking some of the Helios kids to help her. Even when Kiara was still doing the quest as normal she occasionally took a look just to see if she was alive and ok. She did end up having to promise Kiara that she wouldn't be looking too often. She also had to promise Amaia the same thing when she joined the Hunter of Artemis although the protective older sister part of her often made it very difficult not to.

Face claim:

Gender: female

I couldn't find any pictures that had her body type so imagine her as plus sized and you have the right idea

Amaia Hussain

Age: 13

Gender: female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: idk/doesn't matter

Godly parent: Selene

Powers: Since Selene is also a goddess of Lunacy, Amaia has the ability to drive people and occasionally nymphs mad. She gains strength at night, particularly when the moon is not obscured by clouds. This stays the same even when the moon is new. Limited photokinesis and umbrakinesis though she is better at umbrakinesis. She also has zoolingualism since she is a Hunter of Artemis. She is immortal unless she falls in love or dies in battle, also because she is a Hunter.

General information: Amaia arrived at camp when she was 11 years old. When the Hunters visited camp at some point during Kiara's capture, she decided to join them after Marilene asked to see if they would be able to help her find Kiara. At some point with the help of some demigods from camp and some of the Hunters, including Amaia, they were able to find Kiara and bring her back to camp.

Face claim:

Melissa Hanning

Age: 16

Gender: female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: aro/ace

Godly parent: Psyche

Powers: She is more sensitive to peoples emotions than others, she can look into someone's psyche kinda and see how their feeling. Although she cannot see super clear memories, she can get a sense for what thing in someone's past made them that way. She can temporarily alleviate someone's mental pain so to speak. In general, she is very emotionally mature and is the responsible one.

General information: I do not know when she arrived at caml but I do know that she only stays for the summer. Although she is very much a people person, sometimes being the voice of reason or being a therapist to traumatized demigods like the rest of her siblings is exhausting. Sometimes she'll cope with that by letting herself be reckless and not have to worry about things. Other times she'll just lay in her cabin for a while to soak in the quiet, or rather, what little quiet there is at camp. One day after Leo managed to basically undo the reprogramming Glykera had done to her, he went to Melissa to try and see if she would be able to help Glykera despite her being an automaton (see the oc bellow this one). She wasn't able to use her powers as well to help Glykera since she is an automaton, she was able to help her deal with these new emotions and find better coping skills.

Face claim:

Γλυκέρα (Glykera)

Age: ???

Gender: ???

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: ??? (Probably aroace)

Godly parent: None (except she was created by Hephaestus cus it was either that or Daedelus

Powers: ???

General information: (tw for mentions of sa and/or implied sa , physical abuse, and basically being jumped im sorry)

.

.

.

Ok i just did the dots so it would give more space and stuff cus i know i accidentally read ahead all the time and i dont want anyone who doesn't want to to have to read what the tw is for on accident

Anyways, Glykera is an automaton from ancient Greece. Idk which period, probably closer to when they made more of those statues. She was made to resemble the beauty standard for women at that time period.

Since Hephaestus creates a lot of things, she ended up getting lost and ended up in the hands of her old master.

He would have her assist him with things and stuff, the whole schist. He wasn't the nicest man in Greece, but he wasn't the worst. When he first got her, he ended up reprogramming her so that she wouldn't feel or express her emotions as much. Then he reprogrammed her so that she couldn't really object to her order. Those reprogrammings did take a couple of tries however.

He also slammed a hammer or some thing else heavy onto her hand, to see if it would hurt. It did, but since her metal is pretty sturdy, she didn't get dented.

Her old master would have guests over all the time and she would serve them drinks or just stand there looking pretty while she waited for orders.

These drunken guests would occasionally get a bit too comfortable with her, and since she couldn't really do anything, they just continued. You know how those bronze statues of women sometimes have lighter spots on their breasts because people decide to just touch them? Kinda like that but her metal didn't get much lighter. She physically could not say no or move or express her discomfort because of the reprogrammings.

One time, for whatever reason, one of the guests ended up jumping her, almost beating her to robot-death or at least almost leaving her with pretty bad damage.

As a result, she hates being touched. She hates it when people talk about giving her or other automatons upgrades or reprogramming. She hates being called an it as well.

After days when her old master had guests over, he would erase her memory of what had happened if he knew one of the guests had assaulted her, but he wasn't always successful. He often tried to get them to just leave her alone, but he wasn't the most firm about it and they continued.

At some point she was basically powered off and didn't wake up for a few thousand years.

After Leo Valdez found her and did general repairs, he managed to undo the reprogrammings that stopped her from feeling her emotions as strong, expressing them, and he undid the one(s) that prevented her from protesting against orders and stuff like that.

He also accidentally brought back the memories that had been erased from her.

So for the next few days, the overwhelm of memories and suddenly much louder feelings left her in a pretty bad state for somr days. She would jump at every sound, curse herself for being unable to serve and just being in a heap, and sometimes she would have pretty bad panic attacks.

Since he was only really able to help her so much, Leo went to the Psyche cabin and now Melissa is her unofficial therapist.

She has since gotten better, but she is still pretty sensitive to sound, touch, and people being upset in general. She always tried to appease them, make them feel better, just to avoid potential consequences. Only a few people are allowed to touch her, and even then she's still not too big on it. She stays in Bunker 9 whenever they have fireworks displays, trying to avoid the noise, which is pretty effective.

Nowadays she spends most of her time in Bunker 9 although occasionally she will stroll around camp.

She also pretty tall. Either like 6'5 or closer to 7 feet tall

She's not as good as the Kourai Khyseai (Golden Maidens), who were also created by Hephaestus, and her facial expressions are limited and kinda uncanny

Also, I do not ship her with Leo or anyone else.

Face claim: ???/heres a picture of a greek or greek style statue i took at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts just imagine it was bronze

Oh my gods this was long

I even had to switch to the website just to finish adding all the pictures

Thanks if you read all this

Also all the divider things i used came from @firefly-graphics you should go check them out bc they were really a lifesaver when it came to making this

Seriously half the ones i tried to use from google looked like they were transparent but weren't so yeah

They ask that you just reblog the post you get the things from if you use it so im just gonna check that i did

[fandomxo00]

WARNING❗️❗️ talks about drugs, abuse, trauma, mental health and drinking❗️❗️❗️❗️

probably unpopular opinion and I do not condone the shit that this person does or the way they act but I dont know why everyone genuinely hates JoJo Siwa, if you couldn't tell from the dance moms reunion she has some repressed trauma that she doesn't want to talk about.

It is really hard to live with any type of trauma but Abby treated that girl like shit and she said it was what made her better.

All of this crazy, annoying shit is a cry for help. In my opinion (which can be totally wrong i just need to rant after see the jojo c*ke thing)

She's trying so hard to be something she's not and she's drinking, being implusive, doesn't really care but then gets mad when people boo her, plus the new drug thing popping up

I know people in my life with repressed trauma and I know it is incredibly difficult for alot of people with trauma to be oh i do have that, the way i treated was bad, usually because the abuser gives them something or even scares them into the victim wanting to protect the abuser. But this isnt something they do consciously because they dont want to get better but usually because they feel like they have nothing to complain about because someone else has had it 'worse', when trauma and mental health should never ever be I am worse off than you, its hard for everyone who deals with it whether its a little bit anxiety and depression or borderline and ocd

which is usually unhealthly numbed by alcohol or drugs

And to anyone who says Abby Lee Miller didn't abuse those kids has not watched dance moms.

Just stop feeding in to it, stop being a bully so many people have bullied her over the years and you really think that doesn't fuck up someone psyche?

She was a CHILD when she the most successful and if you havent seen the repercussions of child actors or stars then do your research and become more informed before writing something awful about someone.

AGAIN I am not saying the public drinking, the cringey music, etc is okay, because its not. But she is damaging herself so much more than she is harming anyone else (from what i am aware of) But to be aware of all the those children who did look up to her and the damage this might cause BUT it still isnt completely on Jojo bc parents should be aware and proceed with caution. Like i said ik someone with repressed trauma and I am constantly hurt by this person so i created distance and healthy boundaries.

And to the people who are just trolling her to troll her literally fuck off and get a life.

WHAT IS THE POINT IN MAKING SOMEONES LIVE MISERABLE OR TREATING SOMEONE LIKE SHIT?!

But I am also autistic so I really do not understand the social construct of why people actively bully or harrass someone bc unless I am out of control I would never want to hurt someone else bc Ik what it feels like to be treated like shit and no one else should feel that no matter who they are

Can we just hope she gets better? Can we stop thinking ALL of this is for media attention, (Ik alot of it is) or so we take her more seriously but the latter isnt happening but society needs to stop feeding into toxic behavior especially with someone who was a role model for so many young girls

What I am trying to say is I am aware of the factors but at this point its not funny anymore, a rumor going around that you are doing c*o*ine isnt funny or a joke. I know we can't control her or make her do anything but if you dont give something attention most of the time it goes away or the person does something else to get attention (which hopefully will be tad bit healthier) or she might keep popping up like a cockroach- Idk if this is real or not but even if it is all for attention the way she is getting it is concerning and shouldnt be a joke or something you want to know more about.

But I do know that the media is hungry to watch young women fail because it has literally always been that way but why are women that are aware that something is wrong, okay with this?

Ignore this if it's completely wrong again i needed to rant bc i felt bad when i saw a post about the c*ke

Omg i think i had a few mood swings there

[olivieraa]

I've such conflicting (but mostly) negative opinions about dubbed anime. If so much of it wasn't just "strong American accents trying so hard not to sound like they're reading from a script but they clearly are" then it'd be great.

I'm not an elitist, about anything really (not that I can think of, but maybe there's something idk I'm tired), but I will always pick sub over dub. Am I able to properly analyse subbed anime and the voice work done on it? No. That'd be ignorant. The way a character says "nande? nande da yo!?" in Japanese vs a character saying "what? what?!" in American English is obviously going to sound different. And I can't find flaws when I hear Japanese voices. But maybe people who speak Japanese can. Because if I'm listening to that "what?" in English and it sounds forced, scripted, not passionate enough, bland, too angry, etc then I'll know its bad. Cause its my first language. And maybe Japanese people can tell when voice acting is bad in Japanese. Idk. Sometimes I've been able to. I can tell when a Japanese VA does not want to be there but wants a paycheck.

But for the most part, I'm pretty much sold on Japanese voice work. They're passionate about their job. It FEELS like they're there to try their best. And after having only watched subs since, idk, 2010? I'll be quite harsh on dubs. But here's the thing. I'm biased. Any dubs I seen pre-2010 I vouch for being good. Why? Because I originally watched them dubbed. Inuyasha and Death Note being the main ones. And due to that, I constantly re-watch them dubbed. Its actually hard for me to connect them to their Japanese VA's. Now, to give Inuyasha some credit, when you watch the first good few eps, they're not... the greatest. Just some voices trying to match their mouths to the characters and it sounds so off. But then... then they get the hang of it. And they get better at it.

Death Note I believe is the overall best dub.

YGO... ok. How do I even talk about YGO...

Removing Kaiba bc people have literally said no other dub voice could ever replace his and be able to portray that asshole more perfectly, I think the YGO dub is decent. I don't fault anyone for saying its bad. I think the overall consensus is that its a good dub with terrible (but classic) dialogue. If they'd had the same script as the Japanese version, it'd be brilliant.

People can argue about Joey's accent, Bakura's accent, and say "why give them those accents tho", but Joey speaking in that accent is better than literally 99% of Americans giving generic American voices to characters to the point that they all sound the same. PLUS, Wayne Grayson portrays Joey's emotions brilliantly. And its a personal thing to me, but I like Bakura being British. If others dont, that's fine. I know he can sorta come across as Stereotypical British Villain as Deadpool calls it, but I think he's sassy and I like it. Some voices are a NO. The actor that portrays Noah is the most famous actor (not even VA, he's in movies and shit), but his voice is awful. Same for Marik, and Yami Marik, and Weevil. But then Pegasus comes in perfectly. And Anzu doesn't sound forced. And then some are just ok, like Tristan and Ishizu. Dan Green is debatable.

Like I said, I can only vouch for two good dubs. Maybe if I'd seen Kuroshitsuji dubbed I wouldn't think its so terrible and gave it more of a chance than one episode. But I don't know...

Because as of now, I've seen 10 Attack on Titan dub episodes and fuck me......... they sound like Power Rangers every time they talk. In the Japanese, I feel... inspired? In the dub I'm like "could they have not said this line as a normal human being would???????"

[chirpsloth]

its been like 17 minutes since i told myself id do homework i need to do it but i just spent all that time reading through all my tumblr post...

god i hate myself

not bc of the homework thing ill get it done but because of just reading the posts

not really i dont think

i just hate myself

but not actually

just a little

maybe i feel bad for myself...

no self pity is lame

god do i hate myself?

when i read the posts i know edxactly what ii was refering to at the time... but i dont think i make my psots easy to decipher all the time

like when i saw the posts that said "im so nervous" and "nervous nancy" followed by the psot a few hours later saying wtf why do i actully have rizz" and then "wtf is wrong with me" im like: oh my god!! i know why i was posting that at the time!! like wowowowow thats how i was feeling thats wild!

i really do feel for myself.. why am i this way???? everyone probably pities themself sometimes.

idk i didnt deserve that... and i shouldnt do that.. wouldnt trade it for anything though. i wont stop though

im not evil im just human

im just learning

im scared for when i reach the age where i cant say that anymore...

is everything gonna be okay?

everything IS okay. i get GREAT grades, i have a good home life, i have 2 close friends, i get to walk and listen to music all the time...

i think that part of it is jealousy but theres always a wishing to get worse you know?

i don't think i'll ever be fejwlfjew but i think thats okay... im happy. i think. edcept for when i think about things too much

i pity myself

i guess i pray to the future me. you know? i wonder if i typed all my old posts knowing that the future me would read them and be like a therapist from another time...telling msyelf not to worry. i think i just did it because i need to say things and i dont have anyone that i call spew all my dumb stuff to without annoying them or making them think im mentally ill which i am not.

plus i need a place to be self centered. i guess this is that... some place hwere i only talk about me. im okay with no one listening irl because i dont want to portray myself as insane. there are some things that can only be written too. i wouldnt want to talk to my therapist about a lot of things because i dont want him thinking im insane. i know thats a therapists job but im saying like theres stuff that i really shouldnt say.. scared maybe. i wanna educate myself on law or soemhitng so i know what my therapist can tell my mother or can get me admitted for.

do i even want help? i seriously dont think so. the better i get the worse i want to get. right now im in a good middle ground. im happy, i dont cause conflict in the house too much, im not exhausting myself, i get things done, life is pretty okay. sometimes i will participate in some efwljfkwel activities though. maybe thats just my way to cope. its not harming anyone,, and i really dont believe its harming the present me too much.

maybe itll harm the future me like how my past decisions currently hurt me. not out of regret but out of pity. it just hurts that i did that... you know?

i really should do my homework but i have time (Not really)

im thinking of doing the bare minimum rn and waking up extra early to finish everytihng up. probably what i wanna do.

i know its only been a week of school since the weekend (weird way to phrase it??) but i need a break. im fine with school its not tiring or anything but god i need a break from life. not like life life but i mean hanging out with people, having things i need to do, etc. i need a week where im all alone. i love my friends but god i need alone time. i always feel so guilty when i dont hang out with them though because i dont wanna be lonely or lose friendships so i find myself hanging out with my friends mainly to "maintain friendships". i love them so much but please i need time.

this post is making me sound so mentally unwell but im doing so fine i promise (who am i promising?)

god

why is my heart rate so fast

lemme count it rq

okay its actually pretty normal its 80-ish bpm but it feels fast

i feel so shaky

i wonder if its the sugar i had earlier... i know some foods or larger amounts of fodos always make my heart feel fast and make me shaky but i havent really discovered what foods those are.

im always so nervous posting on here because what if i say something that makes this all tracable to me. i dont wanna lose opportunities beause of some dumb tumblr posts.

i know i should use like my journal or something but its comforting knowing that this can be viewed by someone for some reason. i mean id be mortified if someone told me they read all my posts but idk. maybe also its nice because i can always lose a physical notebook or lose the passord to my google docs but tumblr is public and i can always look at this tomfoolery from another account. plus this feels less formal. in my actual physical journal im very messy and i get sucked in when i write but its so messy its unreadable, it cramps my hand, and sometimes feels inconvenient. on my actual online journal i established it as something more formal... for life and mental updates for myself. im scared

i dont know why but im so scared

im so so so scared

god why did i just feel like i was about to cry

i want to curl up and cry so loudly in my moms lap while she tells me its okay but i cant i cant i cant. if i did she would think im mentally unwell which im not and id be such an inconvience to her.

last time i cried in her arms she told me that i gotta "say everything" to my therapist and that he can help me. help me with what?? she said that i deserve someone good that can help me? i told her that im normal.. she told me that she didnt want a normal daughter she wanted a happy daughter. i am happy. i just repeated that im normal because i know she sees me as different in some way. i see her as different in soem way too. i think i'd see my sister different than everyone else if i didn't judge her so much. i feel so insensitive but i always invalidate my sisters issues/struggles because i feel like i had it worse and that she has it so well. i konw its so bad and i need to remind myself that... she is a human being, she will struggle, and i should be happy that what i was so used to makes her suffer... im glad she's not used to badness like i was. that makes me sound so emo but you know. i just invalidate her so much.

anways. i think that seeing someone so closely..knowing them almost better than you know yourself will make you see them as less normal. or something. i dont know. i know my mom sees me as different. i doubt she sees my sister as so different than society. maybe its because im socially a little odd. she thinks i try to push people away/unsettle them. i dont. im just awkward around a lot of people. i like telling myself that im not everyones cup of tea. maybe thats just a way to excuse my social stupidity. my best freind always asks me how can i find myself socially stupid if im friends with like everyone. maybe shes right, but i dont think os. im not friends with anyone. weve just been conditioned to be nice to everyone and people are nice to me. yes people trust me, yes i have inside jokes/ get alogn with a lot of people... but do you seriously think i hang out with them outside of school? we use the word freind too loosely. if i never text someone, we only talk in school, and never hang out outside of school... no matter how much we know about each other, no matter if we've seen each other cry, no matter how long we've been "friends," we are NOT friends and thats okay. i try to be agreeable. people think im funny at least.

i need my mom to hug me and let me cry into her arms but i dont want her judging me or worrying about me i just need my mom. god im about to cry. why do i make myself feel this way? this was just supposed to be a post about not doing my homework.. now im writing like a multiparagraph essay. i need to say things. i guess i need to organize my thoughts. speak to the void.

you know i think i write in this because i know that future me will read it... emaning that future me will be alive. meanign that i'll be alive in the future. meaning that everything will be okay. if future me is alive, it means she overcame things, and shes now smarter, and as she's reading these paragraphs, she remembers how she used to feel, and pities her old self once again. and then maybe writes more to the future future me. and the cycle continues. until im dead i guess. maybe someone else.. a child? will work as a future future future x1000 me.. i doubt it. i dont think someone will ever care about me as a person so much as to read everyting ive thought. im currently pretty much just writing my thougts. nothing is organized. im just rambling. i would film a video but i dont have space in my camera roll, and even if i did, i would never want a video of myself saying stuff. some things are better kept written. anwyays. hello future me. and the future me after that. etc. i wonder if im laughing at this in the future. probably... in some time in the future. i bet ill laugh while also pitying my current self. self pity is so lame.

speaking of children. honestly.

door is opening. my moms home. ive been writing for like an hour. homework for tomorrow i guess. ill maintain a convorsation with her while i write. actually maybe ill close my laptop and return to this later. i mean i could use the excuse that this is homework...

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

[nineliabilityrisk]

reminder that if any of my mutuals want my discord i will gladly add them, im almost always active on there

and no this does not mean "oh were mutuals but we hardly ever talk!! we havent even interacted!!! surely this doesnt mean me!!!" no. literally if we r mutuals it means i want to interact with you and if you want my discord you are more than free to ask

i am just . you know. hashtag Terrified of reaching out to anyone else first [ not because any of yall r scary or anything i just. dont really know how to do it and dont like sending random messages unprompted kdhdks ] so. if yall ever want to message on discord instead just shoot me a dm and i can give you my username

if you want to plot smth or just. yknow. talk. im usually a lot more comfortable on there bc im more used to it so i will probably be more talkative. plus its a LOT more consistent about notifications so [ shoutout to tumblr for giving me a notification about a reply to a thread FIVE DAYS after it was posted. not like i would want to know about that or anything ]