#and now that i have access to more mirrors being in the motel I've been obsessively looking into it
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#spiralling about my body right now#it's whatever that I'm bigger you know but#it's just... how the fat sits on my body i hate it like i think i just look totally disgusting#and I'm pretty sure i just gained a bunch of weight i don't know how the fuck because I've been essentially starving myself lately#like literally eating like a bird so im told#and i somehow look a hundred pounds heavier I'm so sick of it#i hate how i look so much that i get even a little glimpse in the mirror and any appetite i had is just gone#and now that i have access to more mirrors being in the motel I've been obsessively looking into it#now that i don't have my scale to weigh myself every day#i struggle with this every day and yet i barely talk about it because it's so fucking embarrassing what the fuck is wrong with me#I've been so worried about my weight i completely stopped going to the doctor to get my fucking testosterone!#i haven't gotten a prescription in almost a year!!! and i hate myself more because goodbye all my changes!!!!#but he said if i gained any more weight he would take me off of it anyway so i guess i did him the favor of not having to crush my life by#just not bothering to go. and idk why he said that because up until he said it to me i was maintaining my weight and trying to lose#and he said that and it just reinforced everything already going thru my head and no matter wtf i do i can't drop the pounds#I've tried everything I've been on a million diets I exercise excessively every day I've tried pills and powders#I'm just done trying I've literally starved myself and it won't go away no matter what i do and i have to wonder am i just not trying hard#enough? like everyone around me gets rid of their weight so easily but this has been lifelong for me I've been on diets since i was like 4#or 5 years old because I've ALWAYS been this big. I've been dieting and starving and exercising and supplementing and pills for over 15#years of my life and I'm barely about to be 22! so tell me! how can i lose it?! will i be disgusting forever?! do i need fucking surgery?!#what do i do!! what do i do!!! I'm done I'm sick! and i know if i ever somehow manage to finally drop some weight it will NEVER be enough#i need to see the number get lower i need to see it go under 90 just once i don't give a fuck if i look like a living skeleton#i need to be that#i literally look like I'm getting bigger every single day at this point and i can't take it I'm not even eating!! so why am i looking so#much bigger every time i look in the mirror?! i can't do it anymore i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't!!!!! somebody help me! tell me#something i haven't tried I'll try LITERALLY anything! i will do anything! something! anything! i don't want this to be me anymore!#please... if anyone has really struggled to lose weight and found something that worked please please tell me...
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