#and now my tooth is hurting again petty bad and I'm like THIS close to a fuckong oanicattack bc ithate it fifxukgong ifuckinga hate it

[foreverxdaydreaming]

so this is my life now... gotten to the point where i constantly feel either overstimulated or understimulated but never in some state of normalcy. im either so over that every little noise has me pissed off or so under i just can't fucking stay still...... so fuck it, just bought my first fidget cube and i hope it helps any. noticed today that if im not doing my usual multitasking bc i wanna rly pay attention to whatever show im watching or whatnot that i just kept playing with shit so im like... well don't you go breaking the buttons on your phone just fucking go buy a rubiks or squish or smth to play with ffs...... and then it hit me. like DUH fidget toys were invented for a reason. i always had those water slinky things or play dough or floam or those lil chinese paper toys you trap your fingers in when i was a kid.. and it wasn't until i stopped messing with all of those as an adult that i realized i always had some sort of stimulation nearby.... makes sense as to why i loved just painting all over myself or watching stim videos and just assuming i liked the aesthetic... but the fact that im constantly like "if im not doing at least 3 things at once rn I WILL DIE" makes so much fucking sense as to why my (now former) therapist was adamant about me getting checked for adhd...... as if me playing on twos separate game systems at the same time since i was little and getting called out for the incentive incessant pen clicking or doodling weren't a big ol red flags i avoided for ages on end..... i got shoved into gifted bc i was great at multitasking and then everything else just got ignored bc i was doing so so great.. until one day i wasn't. but by that point it was just "oh you former gifted kids are always so lazy" ...like bruh it's the burnout but also it's the not being used to anything anymore bc this shit is hella overdiagnosed medically but hardly gets diagnosed in women until "real problems" hit in adulthood..... sorry for the vent/rant yall im just... constantly struggling in some way or another with my mental health but all of this online schooling stuff has just been so fucking hard to get anything done. and im about to start my summer term so im like.. fuckin losin it. sorry for this and thank you or have a great day and all of that good stuff. take care yall. <3 my fidget bitch could not get here sooner