#and now im just fucked. and i can't go back to TN or my family eithout going back into the closet.

[an-assortment-of-forks]

so let me get this straight, because my mom didn't take me to the doctor when I was little bc we didn't have money or insurance at some points (and also was too damn fundie to get me diagnosed with anything) I now find out that I'm too disabled to keep working 40hrs a week indefinitely and am becoming more disabled the longer I do it. but I can't apply for disability because I live alone and can physically force myself to keep working the 40hrs to y'know, fucking survive and not lose my apartment or my cat. (and wow turns out I need a place to live to keep a job to have insurance to even dream of getting a diagnosis that would make me eligible for disability) and disability won't accept you if you are physically capable of forcing yourself to work no matter how much pain you're in. and also even if you can only work part time or make under like $1400 a month, they can STILL fucking deny you for bullshit reasons based on whether or not they personally believe you. so now I just work until I become too disabled to leave my house? or become a huge financial burden on someone who isn't even my family (they don't have money still go figure) that would have to either pay my living expenses or let me live with them without working. just so I can prove to some assholes who deny applications for disability on the spot for fun that I am actually in pain. every day. and that I can't keep working. but because I have NO MEDICAL RECORD. I can't even do that much. I'd have to live off someone for at least a year and no one I know has enough money to offer that and I couldn't ask anyone who wasn't family for that??? all I can do now is hope I'm magically cured or win the lottery. it's just all downhill from here.