#and now i'm mentally arguing the validity of my existence and the suffering i've experienced from it with a faceless non-existant entity

[dogs-in-a-trenchcoat]

I hate putting things under a read more cuz my abuser used to do it to fuck with me (like just put one or two lines under a read more anytime he’d speak whether it was good or bad so you didn’t know what to expect going in) but also it ended up really really long lmao and its pretty dumb anyway, so it’s probably best to do it even though I feel weird seeing the “keep reading” bar anymore.

so like disclaimer for anyone going in blind (like without reading my also very long rambling in the tags) I’m rambling about bad mental health shit and how shitty things make me feel and how idk what to do with myself ever

The internet (especially tumblr and more recently pinterest, which has seen an influx of literally all the screenshotted discourse I've been able to avoid on tumblr, both of which which so happen to also be pretty much the only websites with content that interests me) is so, so bad for my mental health. And I want to do something about that (like making this blog and only following friends, no matter how much I may want to follow others, has already been helpful but at this point its not really enough anymore)

But also before smartphones what I did with this time I've been spending on these websites was stare at the roof, or try to memorize the texture of my wall, or dissociate into a corner and/or try to pretend I was somewhere else because corners are non descript and if you stare hard enough you can make out like a horizon with snow or a hotel room you once stayed in back when you were less fucked up

So like that time now being preoccupied with equal measure extremely distressing discourse arguments in my head about my validity as a human being vs being able to see pretty art or interesting takes on a show I like or some cool interior design, etc. Basically it sort of feels impossible to go back to just empty staring when I have the option to preoccupy myself with something (like the study that was done that showed humans would literally rather painfully shock themselves when left bored and alone than sit doing nothing) even when that something can hurt.

And idk if that would qualify as an addiction, or literally just the most basic human nature. But either way I'm not sure what I can do to find something healthier but equally easy to preoccupy myself with, because my mental illnesses/chronic pain/executive dysfunction etc make doing anything else feel impossible.

Like I used to do youtube and podcasts but I've watched every single YouTube video posted to the channels that interest me (when I was working, for 2 years I'd have to find 40-60 hours a week of content, and for another year before that I had about 28 hours a week of content to find - so you can go through even a 2 year long backlog of extra long livestreams pretty quickly that way, since nobody interesting livestreams 10 hours a day 5 days a week.) and have trouble finding new channels cuz I'm like... morally opposed (lol) to clicking on clickbait. And with podcasts (cuz I still haven't finished the adventure zone cuz that was the most recent thing I found to watch before I had to quit working, and nightvale has probably uploaded 3 new episodes since I left?) I end up not being able to focus if I don't have something to multi-task with, which at that point takes too much effort to replace browsing online.

So now that I've pretty much watched all of YouTube (I'm exaggerating but I have standards and I'm not gonna watch like cringe culture teardowns of 12 year olds done by like 28-40 year old fuckwits or 2 hour videos telling me to stop enjoying TV shows I like, and I'm not exactly interested in prank videos) I can't even fall back on that, especially as good content just keeps dwindling as I keep growing out of more and more of the channels I used to be able to watch.

Anyway if anyone read all that I'm sorry lol, but also congrats?